01x03 - Cats.

[bunniefuu]

(theme music plays)

(tranquil jazz music playing)

Hmm...

Mmm!

(sultry jazz music playing)

♪ Hold me for the, hold me for the moment ♪

Bye, Mommy!

Bye!

Bye!

Bye, Mom!

She looks good.

She does look really good.

So, first off, we have, um, tickle fight for the next two hours.

Mm-hmm. Sure.

So that's just you and me back and forth tickle fighting.

Got it.

Hour two, we're gonna wrap around the back of the couch and we're gonna scratch at it.

Mm-hmm.

So, really loose, really impromptu session of just scratching the back of the couch.

Mm-hmm.

After that, we're gonna play the ball game.

Right, of course.

The little tiny ball.

Yeah, the tiny ball.

Just bat it back and forth.

Mm-hmm.

And after that, we're gonna go into a pre-lunch snack.

Okay, I'm sorry.

A light thing of dry food before we get into the wet food.

I'm sorry.

Phil, I just need to interrupt you.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Because I just want to make sure that you know I do have something at 3:30.

Something, meaning like...

It's just something I have in my calendar.

Well, push it.

I can't....

Well, push it.

Look, I... You can't...

I'm sorry.

You can't spring this on me!

I... Look, I can't move it.

I... Mike!

It's something that's very important to me.

What is it that's so important?

You want me to tell you what it is?

Yes, I wanna know!

All right.

At 3:30 today... I have naptime with Phil.

(gasps)

We're doing naptime today, man.

I'm messing with you!

(sobbing)

Oh, don't get upset.

Don't get ups... No...

Okay, I'm sorry.

That was a joke. It was a joke.

No...

No, it was...

I love you. Look at me.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I love you a lot.

I love you so much.

I just love you so...

(knocking)

Excuse me. Neighbors?

Whassup?

Mike, who is that?

Okay, I don't.... I'm not sure, actually.

I don't know.

I've never... What's happening?

No... Tell him to go away.

Um...

No espeakay...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No espeakay Español.

No espeakay.

Uh...

No, no, no, no, no...

No espeakay!

I'm your neighbor. I locked myself out.

I just wouldn't mind using your kitty litter.

I'm prairie-dogging pretty hard.

We've all been there.

Okay, sir, um, you can understand we don't normally get visitors like this, so...

I know I look like a squatter or something.

I live right next door.

I mean, I'm right...

Oh, you're in 103?

Yes.

We've never seen him before, though.

Well, Mike, I would say, I've never left the apartment.

Oh, that's true.

So...

We have not gone outside these walls.

That's probably it.

So, yeah, if I could really get in there.

I'm about to explode.

Both: He's got to use the bathroom.

I mean, this is just rude.

This is just rude at this point. Get in here!

This is rude of us.

Get in here, guy! Come in here!

Neighborly, right? I should have brought something.

♪ ♪

Oh...

(gulps)

(coughs)

So, we were flying over Calgary, right?

And we was like...

Yeah, we were right over there. Yeah.

Yeah, and we saw this Boeing come by.

That's a plane.

That's a big plane.

Remember the big plane, Shane?

Yeah, the Boeing 747.

Yeah.

Okay, so he knows the deal, okay.

Yeah, it was huge. And you can't really pass them because of the side things on its wing.

Right. Mm-hmm.

You get sucked right into it.

Right.

That happened to Gary.

Do you remember Gary?

Oh, my... Yes!

No, I know. And I remember.

And the feathers were flying all over the place.

And I said, "Well, Gary has just passed on."

That's right.

You said, Do you remember what I said? I said...

Both: "Gary has just passed on."

Guys, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I said that.

You just... Can you just stop?

Just stop talking?

Do you know how many times you've told this story?

It always feels like the first time.

Mm-hmm.

Every day! In this exact spot.

Aren't you sick of this?

Should we move?

There's a trash can over there.

Yeah, it's right there.

It's great.

We've been to the trash can.

I feel like there's a whole world out there, and we've never seen it.

Aren't you curious?

We should head over to the trash can.

Let's go to the trash can.

I think we just go.

Why don't you guys go to the trash can.

I'm just gonna...

I think I gotta go.

Huh. Well, good on Shane, you know?

So, anyway, he gets too close to the wing, and he just got... whoosh! sucked right in.

Oh my God, it was so disturbing.

♪ ♪

What the...

No way.

Swans.

Sorry about that. You understand.

You can't just let anybody in.

Totally fine. Water under the bridge.

I don't think we got your name?

Alex.

Alex, oh cool.

Yes, nice to meet you.

I'm Mike.

Mike.

This is my brother, Phil.

Phil.

Okay, Phil, what's up?

What's going on?

How you doing?

So cool.

This is cool.

So cool to have another guy in here.

This is different.

Phil: Um, so this is our home.

Mi casa es su casa.

Holy sh*t.

Yeah, it's um...

Yeah, no, it's pretty nice.

This is our space.

Home sweet home.

We're actually thinking of knocking down this divider wall Mm-hmm. and making it one...

Less with the chatting, more with the touring.

Am I right?

Yeah!

Let's give him a tour!

Let's do it!

Let me check this place out.

Okay, cool.

What kind of expensive sh*t do you have in this house?

Phil: Yeah, so this is my little scratch pad.

This is where I come to get away.

Um, just be, like, creative, and really let the juices flow.

Wait, what are you working on?

Oh, it's nothing, really.

It is something.

Tell him. Tell Alex.

Well, it's a little novel. Um, it's...

You're writing a book?

Yeah.

That's always been a dream of mine.

Oh my God, it's so nice to see another writer!

Insane, right?

Yeah, it's a novel about my brother, Mike.

So, it's...

Amazing.

Yeah, he commissioned me to write it. I did.

So, it's a mixture of Mike history, Mike anecdotes, and just general Mike-isms.

Uh-huh.

'Cause I think it's... it's such an honor to be with you every day, and I love you so much.

Oh, thank you, so much.

I love you so much.

You are everything to me.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

You guys have an intense relationship.

I don't know about "intense."

I don't think it's that...

Well, I mean, intimate, brotherly...

Brotherly is the word. intimacy.

A brotherly intimacy.

You wanna go see the mirror?

Yes!

Let's see the mirror. You gotta see Mike's mirror.

It's gorgeous!

I'm into mirrors.

Cool, so this is my mirror.

Um, I guess, just, really where I go to, well, look at myself.

Nice.

Me, too.

But it's really...

But I go to look at yourself.

Sorry to interrupt. Go ahead, babe.

Uh, no, it's also... It's also where I go to work on myself.

I take my comb...

Yeah, Alex, And I just start to...

Alex, come here.

Watch this.

Watch this. Watch his technique.

I just... ever so...

Uh-huh...

And it's just... Alex, you watching this?

Watch his downstrokes. Oh, my goodness.

You know, a thousand combs a day.

Not a comb shy, Alex.

1,000.

What...

How else do you think I get this perfect coat? And it is perfect.

And it is perfect, Alex. (nervous laughter)

It's great. Almost as good as mine.

I don't...

What is your regimen for this?

You know, I do want to ask you, is how do you...?

Au naturel, yeah. Au naturel.

I have a bunch of dreadlocked fur around my assh*le.

My assh*le looks like Rob Zombie.

♪ I am the Astro-Creep ♪

(imitating guitar riff) Yeah!

Okay, we've got more of the apartment to see.

Why don't we go ahead and...

Okay, cool.

I'd love to see more.

And I think Mom said she was gonna place a runner in this hallway because it's getting a little...

Oh, it was right here.

Sorry to interrupt.

What is that over there?

Um...

I'm sorry, my... (muttering)

Why is he having a Vietnam flashback over there?

f*ck...

Well... uh, he gets very sensitive when the sh*t box is brought up...

Uh-huh.

I don't wanna go in the sh*t box!

You're not going in the...

Don't put me in the sh*t box, man!

No one's putting you in the sh*t box, Phil, okay?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's just whenever someone brings up the sh*t box, I get all freaked out.

What happens in the sh*t box?

We get locked in it, and then they bring us somewhere, and then some m*therf*cker sticks us with sh*ts.

The sh*t box is not a good place.

You don't wanna go in the sh*t box, Alex.

You don't wanna be in the sh*t box, Alex.

That's all I'll say.

Yeah...

So, about that litter box?

Uh, I could really use a sh*t.

Oh, cool.

It's just down the hall here, and then to the left.

Perfect.

Oh, I hope he has a good sh*t.

I hope he passes well.

I hope he does.

♪ ♪

Come on, come on. What do we got? What do we got?

Where is it?

Come on, come on.

Bingo!

Jackpot.

Just put it...

We cannot put the snack within the food, 'cause then he...

He's coming.

Oh, all right.

I'm gonna get going.

You're leaving?

Yeah.

Yeah, I just used the litter box. Thank you so much, guys.

Nice meeting you.

No, you gotta stay.

Wait, wait, wait.

You gotta stay.

I mean, I got a bunch of stuff to do. I really should hit the road.

Alex, we know you're super busy, and we just thought we'd lay out all this stuff.

Look, we have, um, four different types of dry food, and we have eight types of cat toys that we can all play with and share together. And we figured, I don't know, as our new best friend, we should feast together a little bit.

Wow. I mean... thank you.

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything. Eat.

(gobbling)

Whoa.

Okay.

Wow.

Alex, you're...

When's the last time you've eaten, buddy?

(gobbling)

Okay, gross.

He's eating the toys, too.

I think he's eating the toys at this point.

He's just...

He's so... Okay.

(gagging)

Whoa, he's just...

Easy. Breathe, breathe.

Wow.

Breathe.

Shh. Shh.

That was nuts.

That was f*cking nuts.

(panting)

That was pretty f*cked up and wild.

That was sick.

That was sick.

That was cool.

That was really cool.

Hey, Alex, by the way, have you ever, um, tried catnip before?

'Cause we recently got this new strain, and it is primo stuff.

Oh, you gotta try it, Alex.

No, I've never even... What is that? Is that like...

It's just a super chill thing that Mike and I use to sort of relax and really just kind of... just take the edge off.

Hang out, and take the edge off, you know what I mean?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I like the sound of that.

Let me light you, dude.

Take that in.

(burbling)

Watch how he's just sucking it up. He's not being a p*ssy about it.

Hold it in, bitch.

(coughing)

Yeah, he coughs a lot.

I'm cool.

You take a hit, man.

Uh, me? I...

Here, Mike.

Here take the bong, Mike.

Light him up.

Uh, sure.

Breathe in deep.

Okay.

Like this?

Nice, yeah, dude.

Hold it in. hold it in.

Oh... f*ck...

(laughing)

Whoa!

He's so high!

Alex is f*cked up!

Oh, f*ck...

He's feeling it now.

You're feeling it.

Haha!

(laughing)

(groaning)

♪ ♪

(applause)

Excuse me?

Huh?

Are you okay?

Hi... Yeah.

Oh, you just seemed kind of... a little lost, so I just wanted to come over and introduce myself.

I'm Olivia.

Hi. I'm... Sorry, I'm Shane.

I'm new here. I...

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

And forgive me if it's too personal, but are you... a black swan?

Am I a black swan?

That was the question.

Right.

Um...

Yeah. Yeah.

(gasps) I knew it!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

That's why I came over.

'Cause I got so excited 'cause I saw you, Oh.

And I 've never seen anybody like you over here before, and you just stood out. You seem different.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, I'm a black swan.

I'll show you around, okay?

Okay.

Just follow me.

Okay, great.

Wow.

This place is pretty incredible.

This is Central Park!

It's a place where anything could happen, dreams come true...

Ooh, I see my friend, H&M.

H&M!

Oh, H&M, this is Shane. Shane, H&M.

Hi.

Hi. I'm sorry, Your name is Shane?

Yeah.

Yeah, they should take away the "ane," just call you "Sh" 'cause I don't want to hear you talk.

(chuckles)

Shane's from, uh... Wait, where are you from again?

Oh, just like, over... the... freeway.

Oh, yeah, the freeway.

The freeway? What do we got here, a goose?

(laughing)

Oh, God, no.

This guy is a swan, right?

Yeah.

'Cause I'm just saying, Shane, you don't seem like the other swans I know.

Well, I'm... I'm black.

Oh, you're a black swan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. So, you know the swan song, you know all the...

Totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, uh, Shane, I wanted to ask you, what is the swan song?

Come on.

What? Olivia?

If he's a swan, he knows the swan song.

Of course.

Okay, so...

Shane, you didn't tell me what the swan song was.

Oh, I didn't tell you. You were asking me?

Yeah.

I... Don't you know?

No, I know what it is.

Prove it. Prove that you know what it is.

"Country Grammar" by Nelly.

Right, exactly, it's "Country Grammar" by Nelly.

All right. So, you're a swan.

Whew. I hate geese, man.

Yeah, me too.

I'm not even sure geese are real.

The honking though? The sound they make?

Why would anybody honk?

It's like...

Yeah.

That's not the sound a swan makes.

Totally, totally.

Oh, Shane, my dog.

Yeah?

I wanted to mention, now that you're down with the crew, Cool.

I'm actually gonna be deejaying tonight at Club Men.

Oh, yeah!

You gotta come!

Right here, baby.

Your golden ticket. Check it out.

That sounds super fun.

H&M: So, see you there?

♪ ♪

Mike: Oh, no, click that one.

You ever see this one?

Oh, this one.

No, no, no, hit that one.

(laughing)

(groaning)

No, hold up, watch this...

This is my favorite part.

What the f*ck was in that?

(laughing)

Oh, right?

Oh, f*ck...

Aah!

I... I'm a kitten again.

And there's all my brothers and sisters.

But not me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

He's coming for me now.

What? Get off me!

Aah!

He tossed me into an alley.

Alone.

(thunder rumbles)

Scared.

He made me an alley cat.

(whimpering)

Alex, Alex, Alex!

Alex, wake up!

You all right, man?

(sighs) Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I just, I...

I had this crazy flashback.

Really?

Whoa.

Yeah, it's awful.

Well, you're safe now.

You're here with us, man.

Everything's cool.

We care for you, you know?

(sighs) Oh, f*ck.

Um... (clears throat)

I lied to you guys.

I'm an alley cat. I came in here to... I came here to rob you guys.

It's really lame.

I'm so embarrassed. Here you go. Here's all your stuff back.

I'm so...

Are you done?

Are you done with your little speech?

Are you done with your speech?

(snickering)

Uh, why is that funny?

Look at his face!

Look at his face.

Oh my God, he's so honest now.

He's honest now.

He's Honest Alex now.

Alex, Alex, you think we didn't know that the whole time?

Alex: What do you mean...

Alex, you think we're dumb-dumbs?

You think we're f*cking idiots, man?

(laughing)

Okay, guys, I'm gonna go. It's time for me to leave.

No, no, no, no, no!

Alex, Alex, Alex.

Alex, you don't get it, man.

You're ours now, dude.

(laughing)

What... Uh, what do you guys mean? What are you talking about?

Yeah, we own you, Alex, and frankly, we're just gonna f*ck you up, dude.

(laughing maniacally)

Oh, look at that!

Mikey's got a little knifey!

Oh, f*ck!

Help me!

Mikey's got a little knifey!

Help, somebody help!

(laughing continues)

Somebody help!

Help me!

(electronic music playing)

I can't hear you, Club Men, make some noise!

(cheering)

DJ H&M coming at you hot, right now!

Who's ready for some Nelly?!

Finally, some Nelly!

Okay, no, I left it at home. Um...

Here's something that sounds similar to Nelly.

You know, library music from some sort of... Just as good.

(hip-hop b*at plays)

(laughing)

You're so easy to talk to.

You, too! I was just gonna say, you are so easy to talk to.

That's so funny that you were...

Thanks.

I'd like to make a toast.

Yes.

Um, I'm really happy that I met you, and you seem really nice.

To Shane and Olivia!

To Shane and Olivia.

Cheers!

Cheers!

Crowd: Whoo!

This is it, okay!

Okay, see my hips?

Whoa, he's got the sticks!

You have really beautiful eyes.

I was just gonna say the same thing.

Well, I have to admit something to you.

Anything.

I've never been with a black guy before.

(moaning)

Oh, my God.

Let me just lift up my feathers.

Oh, my God.

Here we go.

(Olivia and Shane groaning)

(groaning intensifies)

(music stops)

(Shane honking rhythmically)

(honking loudly)

Wait, what was that?!

What?

Dude, you just honked!

H&M, what are you doing in here?!

He's a goose, I told you!

That's a goose's honk!

What are you talking about?

Shane's not a goose.

Right, Shane?

Olivia, I'm sorry.

(crowd gasps)

Oh, God!

I'm still the same bird.

Just get out of here.

Get out of my club.

Goose!

Get out of here, h*nky!

Are you kidding me, a goose?!

I'm 'bout to lose my sh*t on this goose!

Back up, back up, back up!

Get your f*cking wings off me, bro!

(sighs)

(snoring)

Olivia: Hey, Shane.

(sighs) Hi, Olivia.

So, was everything between us a lie?

No. I've never met anyone like you.

Well, I've never met anyone like you.

But I just can't stay here.

Where are you going?

Well, I'm not sure.

But what I do know is that this place just... It's not for me.

I'm just a simple goose.

If you ever change your mind, you know where I'll be.

In or around the men's public restroom in Central Park.

It was nice meeting you, Olivia.

All right.

All right.

♪ ♪

So, anyway, we were right over Calgary, right?

Right. Right. Yup.

You remember that?

And we were flying... I'm in third position.

Oh, you remember Gary, right?

Gary, he could never stay in the V.

As hard as he tried.

Then that big bird came, that big Boeing.

Right.

Lo and behold...

Shane: Gary gets sucked right into that engine, And poof! Just a cloud of feathers.

Gary is gone!

(laughing)

Shane's back!

Oh, Shane!

What's up, guys?

Exactly, yeah!

No, I mean, I saw bits and pieces of Gary flying all over the place.

It's like, "There's some Gary.

There's some Gary.

Uh-huh.

"Hey, my best friend, Gary!"

(laughing)

Yeah.

♪ ♪

All right, guys, not funny anymore.

You can let me out now.

Guys!

Okay, so, Alex, hey, uh...

Should I come out now?

Yeah, go, go.

Okay, okay.

Go. Show him.

Uh, hey, Alex, what's up? It's Mike.

Ooh. Wow.

Um...

Rev your tool. Rev your tool.

Okay, right, right.

Oh... Like a dentist?

I don't even know.

Tell me when to come out.

Okay, okay, hold on.

So, presenting, Phil...

Bah-buh, baah!

(laughing) I don't know, I just ordered it off the Internet.

I don't know, it's spooky enough.

No, it's good. It's good.

I don't really know what it means or anything.

Alex, what are you thinking about these?

Who's scarier?

Are these, um...

f*ck the both of you, man!

I'm gonna straight up m*rder you!

I'm gonna cut you open and I'm gonna r*pe you, buddy!

What? Phil, okay, let's hold on.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

I didn't mean the r*pe thing.

Help!

No.

That's not gonna do anything.

Help!

That's okay.

Phil, you know what, your back thing, the buckle, I just need to fix it.

Thank you so much.

Just turn around for a second.

Thank you, honey, thank you.

f*ck. Okay, Alex.

Think. Think, think, think, think...

Wait a minute.

Holy sh*t, it's the same lock.

All right, Alex.

Get ready to open up, in more ways than one.

(laughing)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait!

Before you guys k*ll me, Phil, would you, uh...

Hmm?

Would you mind reading from your novel?

From my novel? No, I couldn't.

It's still in a first draft.

Wait, Phil, this is perfect, actually.

What? Why?

Well, now you have an audience.

I think Alex really wants to hear it.

It's just like a last rites thing.

It'd be a nice way for me to go.

Okay. All right, I'm gonna do it.

Okay, cool.

Okay, okay.

Okay, this is the middle of chapter 18.

Oh, I love 18.

Okay, great.

Okay, everyone shut up. Hehe.

"It was a dark and stormy night last fall.

Phil was always afraid of thunder.

It reminded him of a vacuum."

Easy, easy...

"As he cowered in fear like a stupid little baby under the couch,"

Yes!

"he thought that maybe things Peace out, m*therf*ckers.

Weren't gonna be that good after that. Until he saw a paw."

Oh, man.

"He saw Mike."

Okay, that's it.

Dude!

That's all I'm gonna read for now. Was that good?

Yes, dude, are you kidding me?

Well, you inspired me to do it!

Honestly, I bet there's not a dry eye in the house.

Uh... You know what, he's gone.

'Cause we were looking at each other.

We were making pretty intense eye contact throughout that.

I can't not.

f*ck.

Should we... chase after him?

I don't know.

What time is it?

It's 3:30.

(yawns)

(snoring)

I love you, Phil.

I love you, Mike.

I love you so much, Mike.

(applause)

(excited chattering)

I loved it. It was great. Chapter seven...

How many of these do we have?

I'm getting kind of tired.

Parched too. If I could get a water, that'd be great.

All right, what's your name, brother?

Hi, my name is Max.

Hey, Max.

(stuttering) I... I... I run "Alex Questions," the Tumblr blog that q... that questions... uh, questioning your book.

Oh, you write that?

There's just a lot of holes and... and questions that a lot of us have.

You're saying that you were assaulted, but you don't show any of the typical signs of... post-traumatic s... stress...

Did you fabricate... D... Did you fabricate the... the book?

No. And I went through a lot of therapy to help me with my PTSD, thank you, and I'm a strong person.

Unlike some people that write a blog.

You ever written a book?

I wrote a children's book when I was 22.

What's it called?

"The Third Best Tree."

"The Third Best Tree"?

Hey, everybody, the author of "The Third Best Tree" is here.

"The Third Best Tree" is a fiction book, sir, and y... you're claiming this is a memoir, sir.

It is a memoir, a good one.

A lot of people suspect that you fff... fabricated sss... some portions of the story wholesale.

Well, d-d-d-d-d-d-d I didn't.

Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks.

Discrimination.

Discrimination?

Answer the facts, sir. Answer the question!

Don't make fun of the messenger's childhood stutter.

Aah!