01x18 - Catherine Sanders

[bunniefuu]

(Jimmy imitates engine revving, Edie laughs)

You know why I like you, Edie?

Because we have so much in common.

We both love to curl up with a good book and learn, huh?

Any good suggestions?

I...

Let me see that.

The Toad and the Turtle.

Oh, they're in a car.

Very On the Road.

You're so smart.

You see that, Edie? You see that?

I turned and smiled right at that pretty girl.

You know why? Because I'm back.

Back.

I'm strong.

I'm back. I'm strong.

Strong!

That's right.

I strong!

I'm strong.

Can I tell you a secret? Come here.

There may have been a moment recently when I thought that me and your grandma had a little spark.

Now Sara's seeing some hacky musician.

Real derivative, not our type at all.

But you know, I'm happy for her.

The only thing we have in common is a kid and a grand kid and a family and...

Grandma.

Yeah, Grandma. Exactly.

Grandma. Mama.

It's much easier to think of her as a grandma to get over her.

Grandma.

An old lady with a great body.

Grandma, Grandma, Grandma.

Oh. There you are.

Hi.

Ooh, Edie, this is a special day.

You are about to meet a woman who broke the glass ceiling in the male-dominated business world to become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company: Catherine Sanders.

Jimmy: That's right, Edie.

Women can break glass ceilings, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Catherine's doing her book signing over there.

And fear not. I've come prepared.

Eh, what's the big deal? She's a CEO.

Big whoop. I'm a CEO of Jimmy's.

You don't see me bragging about it.

You brag about it constantly.

And Catherine Sanders is so much more than a CEO.

She's the first African-American woman to sit on five Fortune 500 boards.

She has 1.2 million Instagram followers, and she...

(snoring)

Okay. Great. That's solid.

(whistling, snoring)

Hey, listen, all right? If my first marker fails, I'll say "Hit me," and you hand me the second one, cap off.

Catherine Sanders is not a woman who wastes time.

Chapter nine.

Why do I care about meeting some female...

Thank you. old Warren Buffetty kind of hot...

Hot. She's hot.

Okay.

(Edie jabbers)

Hi.

Catherine Sanders.

God! Hit me! Hit me!

What?

I'm just gonna go get that real fast over here.

So, do you have a marker?

Oh, yes, in fact, I do. I do have one.

So, who should I make this out to? Catherine with a "C?"

(humming whimsically)

Hmm.

There you are.

Well, this is a first.

(laughs) "Reach for the stars."

Well, thank you for the free advice.

Who said it was free? Hmm?

I am not sure if I really like you, or really dislike you.

Gotten that before. Let's go with "like."

I think it's more fun.

Well, the signing is all about, uh, Jerry Martini having fun, isn't it?

Look, I know you're a woman who doesn't like to waste time... chapter nine.

So let me be direct.

You intrigue me.

Well, if we're being direct, should we just get it on right now in the travel section?

Beats the do-it-yourself section. (laughing)

Found it. (laughs) Sorry about him.

Uh, Gerald, classic spelling.

Listen, I know you think that you're cute... which you are... but you're holding up my line.

Well, perhaps we should pick this up later over dinner?

I, too, am a CEO of a popular restaurant.

Here's my card. Mm-hmm.

And, uh, what's your number?

I'm not giving you my number.

But you can wait for me over there, and when I'm done with the signing, I will come say hi.

Wait over there?

Right over there.

Over there?

Yes, I will draw you a map.

Over there.

(wry chuckle)

Next!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hi.

It's been 18 minutes.

What kind of mind games is this woman playing?

Just chill out. All right, this is what it means to interact with a woman who has other things to do besides you.

What are you supposed to do with your hands when you wait?

Not that.

Pockets?

Nope.

(phone chimes)

Ah, it's her.

"Sorry I had to run."

What?!

(text alert whooshes)

"Are you free for a drink?

"I can do right now, or from 8:35 to 8:50.

Otherwise, touch base next month."

Wow. Catherine Sanders texted you?

Dad, for the first time, you're actually as cool as you say you are.

Oh, you think that's cool? Watch this.

"Now would be great.

"I'm going to have to shuffle a few things around... you know, CEO stuff. Be there in 20."

No.

(text whooshes)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go in my car and wait for 20 minutes.

Want to say good-bye to Edie?

Nope.

All right.

Our new office isn't so bad. It's got charm, luggage, Christmas spirit, Grandpa.

It was really nice of your family to let us use this room.

Oh, I got an idea for the app.

(TV playing loudly)

We should sell it... so that we can sell less.

What?

We should sell it...

(TV plays loudly, vacuum running)

Vanessa, I feel like we need our own office space!

Why?!

Man: Oh, my God!

Will everyone please shut up?!

(TV blaring, vacuum turns off)

(whispering): Sorry, Rico.

Shh!

Come on, Vaness.

We can do better. All right...

(banging)

Okay, just gonna... Pardon.

Twisted underneath...

Oh, okay.

Oh, God, I'm such a klutz. I'll pay to have those dry-cleaned.

First of all, I've never had anything dry-cleaned in my life.

Second of all, a stain by Sara Kingsley?

You kidding me? These are my new favorite pants.

Oh, in that case, I'll dump the whole glass on you.

I'm kidding. I love this wine.

Mm!

I want to know everything about you.

Yeah, there's not that much to know.

I love pizza, hate racism, yada, yada.

Yeah, see, I think there's more to you than that.

You were a single mom, all alone, teaching a boy how to be a man.

I play the bar mitzvah circuit, so I get it.

Yeah, it was... it was tough. You know what else is tough?

Getting another drink. Excuse me.

You know, I'm excited about us. This feels real.

You're the kind of woman that I could spend the whole night just talking to.

Yeah.

We could do that, or...

(moaning, giggling)

(squeaks on glass)

Ugh.

I'm gonna go turn my underwear back around.

Hi. So, I shouldn't have to say this to you, because you're a grown woman, but please don't have car sex in the parking lot of your son's father's classy restaurant, okay?

(gasps): Oh. Or... is car sex exactly what I should be having?

I just said it wasn't.

What's happening to you?

Just keeping things light and stupid with Craig.

You know how I love light and stupid.

I'm an idiot.

He's trying to make it all serious, and I don't know if I...

Sara, there's clearly some things you're working through, but for me, it's just about not wanting to see your pale ass against a windshield when I'm at work, so, park on Hoover or something.

There a lot you recommend, or...? I'll figure it out.

♪ Cold... ice...

Best part about being a female CEO... when things don't go your way, you can always just blame it on...

Your period.

The failings of a male-dominated society.

Men are slimes. They're pigs.

I was gonna say that.

(chuckles) Why didn't you tell me that you are the "Jimmy" of Jimmy's?

Oh, well, you know, I just assumed you'd Googled me.

If you Google "Jimmy" and "restaurant"

I'm, like, the ninth one down.

(laughs)

Oh, wow, but I didn't Google you.

But now I know you Googled me. Yeah, and you know, if you Google, "Catherine Sanders topless,"...

Mm-hmm.

You know what you get? You in a convertible.

(laughing) Cute picture of you. Oh, thank you.

Ah. I got this.

No, no, I got it.

Ah, bah, bah, dah.

Really.

(Jimmy sighs)

Want to get out of here?

Yeah.

My place is pretty close by.

Mine's nicer.

You haven't even seen mine yet.

Yours is nicer.

Take off your shirt.

(sighs)

Once again, mine's nicer.

Yeah, it is.

Annelise, I'll-I'll need a, uh, "You Were Great Last Night But I Got to Run" basket.

Yeah, coffee, bagels, the works. I'll send you the address.

(door opening)

I got to go.

Hey. Listen, I'm gonna have...

Hey!

So I'm off to San Francisco.

My driver is downstairs waiting for you.

I had him pick you up a cappuccino, a frittata, the works.

So much better than a cheap bagel, right?

You have a good day. Bye, beautiful.

Bye.

Hey, thanks for hooking us up with office space, Papa.

Now we're even for when you took Edie to see The Hateful Eight.

Jimmy, this Wi-Fi password is not gonna work for me.

I can't remember all the numbers.

Password stays. 908746527 is my lucky number.

But I love the confidence. You remind me of a young Catherine Sanders.

Oh, yeah, yeah. How'd the big date go?

Was it as sexy as her New Yorker piece on gender bias in the tech space?

Well, it was nice, but it was a little weird.

I mean, she paid for the check.

I mean, and not just like pretend to grab it and then stick me for the bill. She got it, and she paid it.

Do you know they have a Purple Card?

I have an MMA Superfan card.

Spend 20K in a year, you get to take a picture in The Octagon.

Oh, yeah?

Boom.

Welcome to the chocolate factory.

(electricity buzzing)

Fixer-upper.

This blows.

Hey, free is free.

Oh, if the health inspector comes in, no hablo inglés.

But, no, this... this could work, right?

You know, if we put the printer over there, and the bookcase over by that asbestos.

Incoming!

(groaning)

So much milk.

(sighs) Glad to say good-bye to that.

(laughs)

All right.

(Ravi whistling happily)

(electricity buzzing)

What's up?

Uh, maybe this is stupid, but I always thought that having a real office meant I was on the right track.

Like something you'd see in Silicon Beach with glass desks, and dorks riding around on hoverboards.

Growing up, I never thought it was possible for someone like me, and neither did anyone else.

With this app... which is short for application...

I felt maybe it was, but... maybe not.

Hey, we'll find something better.

Hmm.

Tablet, please.

Thank you.

What's the Wi-Fi password again?

908746527.

Wow.

Can you text me? I think the cell towers are down.

Not buying it. Try again.

Guess the towers aren't down.

I texted Catherine, like, two hours ago, and she hasn't texted me back.

Who does that?

You, to everyone that you date.

I don't need that tone.

It's just confusing, because we had such a great time, and she-she gets my brand of comedy, our bedroom demeanor was playful, yet it had a hint of danger.

It's unbeliev... I don't need this. I don't need her.

I've got plenty of girls right here.

Good-bye, Catherine, hello...

Funny Sandwich Girl.

(phone dings)

Ah! Aha, ha-ha! I knew she couldn't stay away.

You know, first it was a tone, now it's a look.

What look? This is just my face.

I know what you think... you-you think that she has me in the palm of her hand. Well, let me tell you something.

Every once in a while, it's nice to be on the receiving end of a frittata.

Whew! Boy! I know you didn't sleep your way to the top, but you definitely could have.

You know, that was only 70%.

Really?

Yeah.

I was a bit distracted by the Japanese bank crisis.

(chuckles)

You know, I know this may sound crazy, but I-I think I may be able to go again in, like, ten seconds.

Well, now, I-if we're standing I'm gonna need about 20.

Ooh! Downstairs sex. I'm in.

As tempting as that sounds, I have this thing in the morning.

Oh.

Yes.

And if you stay, I am gonna want to go again.

Yeah?

And again.

Mm.

And again.

Yeah.

Well, I have that effect on women.

Yes, you do.

(chuckles)

Bye.

(door locks)

Wait, how the hell did I get out here?

Not even a frittata this time?

I'd like to personally thank all of you for coming in an hour and a half early. Now, I don't know if you've observed me over the last few days, but, uh, recently, I am tangled up into a romantic game of chess, and it's my move.

I recuse myself. Checkers guy.

See, now, I don't know what it's like to be the weak one in the relationship... that's where all you come in handy.

Ah.

All right, let's roll up our sleeves, huh?

I'm honestly not trying to be difficult, but I'm in a t*nk top.

Ooh, I got something.

Uh, you!

The big guy.

Okay, when I thought I was dating that traffic cop...

Next.

Whenever Grace blows me off, I just play it super cool and blow her off right back.

Trust me, she is all over me the rest of the night.

Now we're going somewhere.

How long have you and Grace been together?

Well, I rescued her as a kitten in '09...

Although who rescued who, right?

Grace is a cat? Dude, come on, man.

He's never gonna come to us for advice again.

No, actually, while that glimpse into CJ's life was wildly disturbing, it's got me thinking.

See, maybe I'm trying too hard with Catherine.

I need to blow her off a little bit.

Annelise, what do you got for the rest of the day?

I was planning on ramming my head into a wall with no helmet.

Well, cancel 'em all, because I've been struck by inspiration.

Now, we'll need sweatpants... and popcorn.

And somehow, some way, we've got to make me look unkempt.

Now, come on, let's go.

Let's go.

Not you.

Not you. Chill out, guys.

So I had to pull some strings to get this reservation, but I think it's gonna be worth it.

Six-course tasting menu and a nice, quiet, private little table, so we can really talk.

Or we could do something fun.

A band I know is playing in Echo Park tonight... they're terrible. But after this...

Oh.

They'll be pretty darn tolerable.

You'd rather do that than go to dinner and talk?

Craigy, this is a cheaper option and you still get laid, so take the win.

Okay, yeah. This could be fun.

But just a heads up, when I get high, I tend to open up.

You're about to get to know me on a pretty deep level.

Oh, well... Oh!

Oops. It got away from me.

Butterfingers. I guess we'll just have to skip straight to the sex.

Or you could just pick up the joint...

Mm.

Drop something?

Hm. You folks have a medical marijuana card?

Uh, C-C-Craig?

Who... who said that?

I can't see because of my glaucoma.

Step out of the vehicle, please.

Okay.

Gerald: Come on, come on, come on.

All right, what is the big surprise?

Is Rihanna here? 'Cause I'm sort of over her.

You'll see.

Oh, now I know it's Rihanna.

Stop guessing.

Gerald: ♪ Ta-da!

(chuckles)

Would you believe that we're not actually at Silicon Beach right now?

Oh, wait, before you answer that... play ocean sounds.

(waves crashing, gulls cry)

Got all this stuff off craigslist.

And look: a dork on a hoverboard.

Yeah, yeah.

You did this for me?

That depends. Are you impressed or do you find this creepy?

You're the freakin' best dude ever.

Look, Vanessa... this app, this business we're building together, it's thanks to you.

You make me feel like I can do anything in the world... except eat dairy.

And... and I want to make you feel the same way.

Now, I know this isn't exactly the fancy office that you dreamed of, but I promise you, all right? We won't...

(doorbell rings) Showtime.

(knocking on door)

(doorbell rings)

Who is it?

Uh, Catherine.

Catherine!

Oh, hi. What are you doing here?

What are you doing dressed like a freshman during finals?

We have a date.

That's right. We have a date?

You made this whole big deal about me coming to your place first?

Yes, I'm such a scatterbrain.

I was just hanging out, you know, eating popcorn, catching up with my stories, but I'm gonna take a long shower.

We're gonna take you out.

You like hot dogs?

Yeah, hard pass on that.

Wait, what?

It just feels like you're playing some kind of game.

I don't play games. They bore me, and I win them too easily.

Take care.

Oh, yeah, you don't play games.

Who takes two hours to text somebody back?

A game player.

And you also stole my popcorn.

Hey, Jimmy, thank you for bailing us out.

Oh, no problem, Cheech.

You want to ride in my car or you gonna take your magic carpet?

All right. Okay.

Hey, you want to go see that band now?

Nah, I'm good. I think I got enough entertainment watching my cellmate expel a condom of crystal meth.

Oh, come on. It was just a little bit of stupid fun.

So we can't buy a firearm now... Sara, I'm all about stupid fun.

I once braided my hair with little seashells to be funny, and then kept it for five years.

Wow.

But I'm not only about stupid fun... I mean, every time we get together, it turns into getting high in a car or having sex in a car.

With this Sara that happened?

Sorry, you guys are having a thing.

Look, I'm sad to say this, Sara... I just think that we want different things.

I'll see you around. It's been fun.

Oh, crap.

You okay?

Yeah.

If it makes you feel any better, I, too, am having a terrible night.

Oh. Were you also almost cut for being a snitch?

Worse. I started dating this girl, and, basically, she's the female version of me.

That's terrible.

No, that's not even the bad part... I think.

The bad part is I-I was trying to get the upper hand, and I acted like an idiot.

Do you really like her or are you just bummed that you lost some game?

Because if it's the game thing, just buy yourself something expensive and unnecessary.

If you actually like her, you should tell her.

She probably doesn't know.

So I still may have the upper hand.

Oh, Jimmy...

Kidding. Good advice. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Want my advice about Craig?

Aw, it's cute that you're trying. But no.

(knocking)

Hey.

I'm not sure why you asked me to come over.

If it's an apology, it's weird that you made me drive to you.

That is true. But I made a tasting course dinner to make up for the one that we missed.

(chuckles) That's right.

We were in jail. I forgot about that.

Okay, now, keep your expectations in check.

I only had an hour to put all of this together.

But for our first course, we have the tail end of a sun-dried tomato hummus paired with baby carrots that may have peaked a couple of weeks ago.

You're literally naming my favorite leftovers.

(chuckles) Okay. For our second course, this block of cheddar and a baguette that doubles as a w*apon.

Whoa. How did I get a reservation here?

Well, it doesn't hurt that you're sleeping with the chef.

Um... look, I need another sh*t.

I got into this thinking I was just gonna keep things fun, but that led to jail.

And I think I strained my neck from all that car sex.

Did I do something wrong?

I think the problem was that you didn't.

Hmm. I mean, for me, it's almost easier dating someone with a lot of flaws, like a bigot or a klepto or a stand-up comedian, because if it ends, I don't have to care.

But you're great, and this felt real in a way that I wasn't used to.

I got scared. So I acted like a dummy.

I can start being a klepto, if that helps.

(chuckles) Or... let's try this your way.

Let's go deeper.

Do you want me to tell you about my classmate from high school who d*ed?

Can you do it while we're eating?

Deal. To be honest, she was kind of a bitch.

(Gerald and Vanessa sighing contentedly)

(chuckles)

Mm!

Hey, are we giving this another try?

Uh, I mean, I thought we said we weren't, 'cause of Edie.

Yeah, we did say that.

But screw Edie.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Don't ever say screw my daughter again.

Got it.

Yeah.

(chuckles)

(door opens)

Gerald: Oh!

Seriously?

What is it with your horny family?!

I've seen every one of you naked this week.

Sorry, Annelise!

My bad!

(chuckles)

(doorbell chimes)

♪ I know there's still hope ♪

Hi.

So, I screwed up pretty badly.

Yes. Continue.

Continue? Isn't this the part where you say, "You had me at 'hi.' And take your top off"?

No, you don't have me yet.

Wow, you're tough.

You were right. I was playing games.

I-I just didn't know what to do with a woman like you. And all the girls I've been with before weren't adequate preparation.

All the girls?

All three.

♪ All the clouds... ♪

No, I-I... I know this isn't PC, but I-I've never been the woman in a relationship.

That's okay.

I haven't either.

Really?

(chuckles)

Get in here.

All right.

So how's this gonna work, two kings ruling one country?

Well, the Romans had two tribunes.

Mm...

But they usually k*lled each other.

That's not gonna happen here, is it?

Not intentionally.

But we could try.

(chuckles)

I'm in. But this time I want my frittata.

Well, you're gonna have to earn it.

Race you.

Oh, oh, oh!

(whoops)

(laughing)