01x05 - Uncle Dad

[bunniefuu]

Ed: There comes a time in every rodeo bull's life when it's time for him to acknowledge that he's now just a no-good, worthless piece of dog meat.

So we gather here today to perform sacred slaughtering ritual to indoctrinate Panhandle Slim II's tough old ass into the rodeo bull hall of famey.

All right, y'all, call it.

Brisket!

Short loin!

Bottom sirloin!

All right.

Man: Rump!

Man: Hoofs!

Man: Tripe!

Tenderloin!

Shank!

Cow tongue!

Flank!

Ox tail!

I'll take some meatloaf.

Maybe a slice of meatloaf.

Meatloaf? Oh, my god.

Anyone else?

[Phone rings]

Hello.

Put mother on, please.

She's not here.

Yeah, right, just put her on.

Dale, I don't know where she is. I'm busy.

I'm eating a steak. I gotta go. Okay?

Bull crap, you're eatin' a steak.

You can't even afford a steak.

Listen, we got a lead on an antique hutch out in shafter.

I need her to look after the girls.

Dale, just ask Chip to do it.

[Scoffs]

What?

Nicole said I should ask you to watch after the girls.

I might as well just stick 'em in the refrigerator.

I am a grown man. I can watch the kids.

Uh, okay, what would you do in case of an emergency then?

I would call you.

We're gonna be knee deep in hutches.

You ain't gonna call us.

Dale, give me the phone.

Hi, Chip.

All you need to do is pick them up from school and make sure they get dinner.

You're signing their death warrants by having him to this.

Shh!

You mean, like, I'd be...

I'd be their dad?

Well, yeah, but more like their uncle.

Yeah, I could do that.

Oh, that's great.

Thank you.

Tell him not to sit on...

When you get here, don't sit on the sofas again. Okay?

Or the loveseat.

You can sit on the Ottoman. Okay, bye.

Bye.

[Sighs] Oh, boy.

Who keeps puttin' Twizzlers in the fridge?

I told... Is it Sarah?

Crystal.

Crystal does it.

She likes 'em cold.

Okay, well, Crystal, you and I are gonna have another Twizzler talk.

Madam, you're blocking out the sun.

Can you please move?

Penelope?

Penelope Baskets?

Who are you?

I'm Chip's mom. Your new mother-in-law.

Now, get out of there and get dried off.

We've got some catchin' up to do.

And that's the Cineplex.

Eight screens, if you can believe it.

That's our second Arby's in town.

Some say it's better. The fries are curlier.

Though, I wouldn't know it. I'm loyal to the original.

Oh! And that's where they're gonna put the b*llet train.

Do you have trains in Europe?

Yes, we have train in Europe.

Well, ours will be American made, so it'll be better.

Every time I picture a European train, I picture gypsies gyppin' around.

I... I have that image in my head.

I'd like to see it live.

Mrs. Baskets: I just think this view is so pretty.

Don't you think this view is pretty?

Uh...

You know, it's like, uh, pretty like, uh...

How do you say where you put the garbage in English?

A garbage dump.

Ah, you really picked up that English fast.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[Sighs] Just park in the lot over there.

Uh, well, actually, I pick up my niece and nephew here sometimes, and the way it works is you pull up...

Martha, you can't...

You're shouting too much, okay?

Crystal!

Sarah!

Crystal!

Excuse me, is there anything I can help you with?

No, I'm okay. I'm an uncle, I'm fine.

Just... just looking for some people.

Thank you. Crystal!

Well, I disagree.

Speaking for the Republic of Panama, I think that it means...

Panama. Hold on one second.

Crystal!

Sarah!

No? No Crystal or Sarah here?

Woman: No.

Okay. As you...

No.

Oh, you are a man of stones.

Had I your eyes and tongue...

Sarah! Crystal!

I'd use them...

Sarah and Crystal... sorry.

Cut, cut, cut the scene. Cut, cut.

Have you guys seen Sarah or Crystal?

No? Okay.

What's the deal with this guy?

I couldn't find them.

Should we put out a couple Amber alerts?

How does that work?

Yeah, maybe. Or maybe, is that them over there?

Yeah, that's them. Oh, my gosh.

Girls, let's go! [Whistles]

[Sighs]

Crystal, you're really favoring your mom these days.

You look very Chinese.

Our mom's Filipino.

Yeah, right.

So, how was your day, ladies?

God, Martha, the volume in which you speak is like a scream.

God.

Did you guys have a nice day today?

Fine, thank you.

Fine, I guess, except I hate my life.

That's good.

I guess I should just k*ll myself.

That sounds like a plan. Take a left here.

Okay.

Oh, I guess I could boil these hot dogs.

Do you think they have a designated pot for that?

That's a very good question I'll go ask Sarah.

[Clattering]

And everyone hates you. Because you're a slut, okay?

Sarah.

Do you understand?

I'm sorry. Did I interrupt something?

Nothing. It's fine.

Okay, good. Martha has a question about her boil.

So, eh...

What's going on?

[Sighs] My friend Kelly is ruining my life.

Well, how so? What do you mean?

She's turning all my friends against me, and now I just want to k*ll myself.

[Sighs] Oh, Sarah.

Look. su1c1de is not the answer, usually.

[Scoffs] It's not like anyone would care anyways.

[Scoffs] Well, I'm sure somebody cares, I assume.

Hey, is everything okay?

Martha, keep your voice down, please.

Everyone at school hates me.

Um, well, how would your dad handle the situation?

Make things worse.

Well, that's true.

He would make things worse.

[Sighs] But you know what?

There's good news and bad news.

The bad news is your father stinks.

But, uh, the good news is that I'm your uncle, and I can do something about it.

And I'm gonna do something about it. Okay?

[Clears throat] Um, Chip.

Is this about the hot dogs?

No.

What is it? I'm talking to my suicidal niece.

Look, I'm sorry, I usually ignore my instincts...

You should.

But I just think that in this case, you should leave this alone.

Good old-fashioned do-nothing Martha.

Sarah. Come on. Let's go!

Oh. Look at this.

Oh, that's perfect for you.

Oh.

I'm gonna get one, too.

Oh, I love this place.

I'd love to get lost in here.

Wouldn't it be something? Do you have this in France?

Not yet.

Hm.

I didn't think so.

Ah. Acid reducer.

This stuff is a life saver.

Uh. Do you have multi packs in France?

I don't think we take so much medication in France like you do.

Oh, well, that's a shame.

Oh, cheese balls.

It's the only thing Chip would eat as a child.

I got tired of fighting him on it.

I gave 'em to him for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Nice diet for your kids, huh?

Oh, he blew up, but I helped him get the weight off.

I always supported Chip. He needed more attention than other kids.

But I always supported him.

Even during this clowning phase.

It's hard being a good mother.

I mean, $1.50 for a quarter pound hot dog.

And a drink. Très bien, right?

[Knocking]

Can I help you?

Yes, hi. Um, I think that your daughter Kelly, um, may have exchanged some words with our Sarah here, and it got a little heated, you know?

And, uh, is it possible to come inside, and maybe chat about it, have a lemonade, have a laugh, and maybe figure this thing out?

Okay.

So, um, let's just maybe cut to the chase here.

Um, girls, maybe we'll just start talkin' about why you don't like each other.

Sarah, you want to start?

Uh, Kelly photoshopped a picture of me, put it on Instagram and it made my...

I posted that photo because you told señora Carlson that you were worried about me because I looked totally pregnant.

Sorry for being a good friend. I was scared for you.

You know, maybe we need a speaking koosh.

Oh, I like that idea.

And anyways, I only talked to señora Carlson because I was mad that you and Melanie applied for jobs at forever 21 without me.

I don't have a Koosh on me. Do you have one?

Frank, honey.

Huh? Koosh?

Yeah.

I don't know what that is.

It's a... it's a...

It's like a, uh...

It looks like a porcupine made out of rubber or something.

It's like a fuzzy ball and, um...

It's not really fuzzy, it's spiky but soft.

You could call it fuzzy a little, and it...

It looks more fuzzy than it is.

It's called a Koosh. It's a rubber thing.

It sort of looks like a big cat toy.

Like, uh, something they would bat around.

And the thing is, if you're holding it, you're allowed to speak.

So, did anyone else's family do this?

No.

Well, like, two days before that, you told Marna that forever 21 was for skanks.

Why are you being so mean to me?

Maybe I should just k*ll myself.

Maybe you should.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay, okay, okay, guys.

What are you doing, Martha?

You know, actually, I do have a Koosh.

It's a mini.

Frank: Oh, Koosh. Yeah.

I know what that is.

Okay, so you can start. Ready, set, go.

Well, like, Melanie didn't want to work with you after you told James and Victor that I had a pack of condoms in my locker.

They already knew anyways, and that was after you stole my volleyball jersey.

Because you texted Josh and Carmen that I was a bad person.

Because you told everyone in volleyball practice that I was a horse-faced bitch.

Wow. Sarah... do I need to hold it?

You should... he should have the Koosh.

Yeah, okay, Martha.

I don't want to use... why are we doing this Koosh thing?

Sorry.

Look, I'm... I made a mistake.

I... I planned this out wrong.

I didn't have a dad. You know, I didn't... I didn't...

I had him for a couple years.

I think, you know, fatherhood, in general, is, uh, tricky.

When you... we should... We're gonna leave.

Ready?

Are you ready? Let's go.

Hm! Are you sure, you don't want someting to eat?

The burger is delicious.

I'm fine.

What about a glass of California wine?

No.

They say California wine is better than French wine.

Who say?

Uh, Sonoma Valley.

Oh, yeah?

Have you heard of wine country?

[Chuckles] No.

And you know it's Wednesday.

Two for one.

Wine is two for one.

I don't want two for one.

No?

No.

I want one for one, you know?

[Laughs] Well, you can't b*at the price.

[Laughing]

I suppose this town pales compared to Paris, huh, Penelope?

Paris is outdated.

People are pessimist, uh, idiot racists.

But "Bakerfield" is a breeze of fresh air for me.

Yeah?

Yes. I like it.

You know what I like?

Hm?

Penelope Baskets for a name.

No, I'm not taking the name, you know.

No?

No. It's Penelope Ebert.

So you'll be Baskets-Ebert?

Uh, Chip didn't tell you about our arrangement?

Hmm?

You know it's not really marriage for love so much.

It's more for the green card.

Hm. How do your parents feel about that arrangement?

I don't care.

I don't see them, you know, so much.

My father send me money, but other than that, no contact.

So you're just gonna take Chip for everything he's got?

Bleed him dry?

No, I bleed my father dry. [Laughs]

But, uh, Chip is more, uh, you know, like a little puppy.

Follow me around. You know?

And he's okay with it, you know?

If he choose not to accept reality, it's not my fault, is it?

Well, I'm not surprised.

Chip's never known what's good for him.

Well, I'm glad we cleared that up, huh?

I'll bet your friend will think twice before she steals your volleyball jersey again.

I stole her volleyball jersey.

What? That was what this was about?

Yeah.

What a waste of time, then.

You owe Martha gas money. Make sure she pays you gas money.

Why can't you be more like your sister? Unbelievable.

[Crying]

Oh, god. There's too much Estrogen in this car.

Sweetie, you okay?

Today was awful.

Why?

I did a dance in drama and...

Everyone laughed. [Sniffles]

Everyone laughed?

I gotta see this dance.

Penelope: Oh, this is not my apartment, Mama.

Mrs. Baskets: That's okay, honey. It'll just take a second.

Oh, is this an ancestor?

Chip's father Nathaniel.

No.

Dale and Chip were 13 when it happened.

I get a call in the middle of the night.

Nathaniel had accidentally fallen off that bridge while admiring the river.

I had to explain it to those kids the next morning.

I... I don't know how I got through that.

You know, Dale was fine. He got over it.

Nothin' sticks to that kid, he's like Teflon.

But Chip.

I didn't think he was gonna make it.

He shut down.

Hm.

And then one day he came home from school, he said, "I taught myself how to juggle."

And from then on he had a tiny life preserver.

I knew he'd be okay.

I know he should move on, but he never will.

He was always a sensitive kid.

So I need you here and now to promise me that you won't hurt that sensitive kid.

Mama Basket...

You know, I can't do any more damage.

I wait for you in the car.

Yes, I need a listing in Paris.

That's in France.

You know, Crystal, the thing about laughter is that sometimes it can be really hard to tell the difference between when people are laughing at you versus when they're laughing with you.

I think that in this case...

They were laughing at her.

They were laughing at you.

They were?

Yeah.

But it's okay. That's fine.

But I don't want them to laugh at me.

Here's the thing, Crystal.

You're... you're not that good of a dancer, but, uh, now you know.

So the next time you get up there and dance, just do it even worse, so when they're out there laughing, you can enjoy it.

Because those laughs are yours.

Not theirs. They're yours.

Really?

Yes.

So no matter what terrible thing happens in your life, it doesn't matter because you're in on the joke.

You see?

Uh, yes.

What are we having for dinner?

Um, we've got about 20 minutes left on the hot dog boil, and I'm also making rice pilaf.

Gross.

Wieners and rice.

Oh, boy.

How many bathrooms do you guys have here?

Three.

I'm gonna need two of 'em.

[Laughing]

♪♪ [Whistling]

Well, we found our hutch. $200 under the...

Oh, hi, Marcia.

$200 under the asking price we was willing to pay, which is a pretty good deal.

So, uh, Chip, we don't need you anymore.

Girls, that hutch ain't gonna get itself up the stairs.

Help your mama.

What is that, wieners and rice?

Gross. Girls.

Hey, Martha, uh...

Let's take our leave.

Bye, girls.

Bye. Thanks, Uncle Chip.

You're welcome.

Bye.

Oh. Well, then. Thank you so much for buying dinner.

It's nothing.

Thank you very much for the tour of "Bakerfield."

Oh, sure thing.

Well. I'll wait here. You get your stuff.

What stuff?

All your stuff.

We're gonna head to the airport.

I have a direct flight to Paris for you.

I got it on Icelandair. I got a very good deal.

Of course, all my miles are on Southwest, but, oh, you can't pass up a bargain.

What are you talking about, Mama Basket?

Well, I had a conversation with your father.

Monsieur Ebert.

I guess I wasn't the only one in the dark on the marriage.

He said for me to tell you this.

If you're not on that flight, you can kiss your trust fund goodbye.

Those were his words. He spoke very good English.

I'm sorry.

I'm not as simple as you think I am, dear.

Here you go.

[Sobbing]

There, there, now. Take your time.

Then get your things.

Did you had a nice time today?

Yeah, I... I guess I did. Why?

Well, I just thought you seemed really at home with those girls.

Martha, that was my brother's home.

I think you're confused 'cause we look the same.

He's my twin.

No, I mean you did a really good job.

I think you really helped that little dancer girl.

You could be a great father some day, Chip.

Father.

Yeah.

Hm.

Hey, Martha?

Yeah?

Can I ask you a really important question?

Sure.

Can I use your phone? There's someone else I'd rather talk to.

Yeah. Sure. It's in my purse.

Thank you.

[Phone line ringing]

Penelope: Hello.

Penelope.

Chips?

Hi, um, I... listen, I just want to talk to you for a second.

I had a life-changing experience today, you know, being daddy to my nieces, and, um...

I know this might sound crazy but, uh, I think I want to start a family.

With you.

Wait. What?

Look, I know it sounds crazy, but I think that I can get this right.

No, Chip.

I can finally get something right.

Chip.

You know, being... being a dad, and having a family.

Chip!

Listen. I'm going back to France.

What's that?

I'm going back to France.

I... Penelope.

I'm sorry.

Penelope...

Announcer: Flight 148 to Seattle will begin boarding now.

Hello?

Penelope.

Penel...

How did it go, Uncle Chip?

It was the wrong number.

[Exhales]

♪♪