01x07 - My Cousin Izzy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Galavant". Aired: January 2015 to January 2016.
"Galavant" is a fairy tale themed medieval musical comedy about the efforts of a disgraced prince to reclaim his reputation and true love from an evil king.
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01x07 - My Cousin Izzy

Post by bunniefuu »

[Horse whinnies]

Did they steal your chain mail again, young Galavant?


They left me here in my under armor, father.

No, no, son.

A hero doesn't cry.

And you are destined to be a great hero, young Galavant.

But they hurt my feelings.

A hero doesn't have feelings.

Talking, feelings... all that stuff and nonsense just clouds the mind.

You don't want your mind cloudy, or you won't be ready when your moment comes.

♪ A man waits all his lifetime for one moment to arrive ♪
♪ The moment he is destined for at birth ♪
♪ The moment he will show the world ♪
♪ The reason he's alive ♪
♪ And prove to one and all what he is worth ♪
♪ And when that moment comes ♪
♪ You'll hear the sound of drums ♪
♪ And then, at last, you'll know ♪
♪ This is your moment in the... ♪

Wife: Arnold, you lazy fat ass! We're out of firewood!

Yes, my turtledove.

Your moment of glory will come, young Galavant.

Be patient. Be ready.

And also...

Never get married.

This is it.

This is my moment of glory.

I'm gonna make you proud, father.

I'm gonna save them.

I'm gonna save all of them.

Especially her.

Arnold: [Echoing] Son, don't marry her.

Damn it, dad!



My Cousin Izzy


So, um, last night, a lot of things were almost, kind of said.

We hinted at some budding feelings, sang a song, our faces got unusually close...

I'm really sorry. I can't talk.

I'm in hero mode... planning our big escape.

We'll talk later. I love the hat.




Let "manscape" spin his wheels over there. It doesn't matter.

Your cousin Harry is coming to save us.

Cousin Harry's coming?

But... how?

Your father sent a carrier pigeon through the skylight when the guards weren't looking.


[Sighs] Your cousin will save us, and then you will marry him, as planned.

I don't want to marry my cousin.

I mean, the age difference is so weird.

Plus, he's... my cousin.

Straight up, Isabella.

Our family tree goes straight up... no branches.

Look at them all...

Galavant planning things, looking cool.

Even the old, bald guy sent that pigeon message.

That was kind of brave. [Sighs]

What are we doing?

Oh, we're just here for the jokes.

Story of my life.


So, a little wrinkle.

My cousin's coming to save us.

Thing is, he's not just my cousin.

We don't need anyone to save us.

I'm gonna save us.

Friends, listen up.

♪ I've waited all my lifetime for one moment to arrive ♪
♪ The moment I was destined for at birth ♪
♪ The moment I would show the world ♪
♪ the reason I'm alive ♪
♪ And prove to one and all what I am worth ♪
♪ And now that moment's here ♪
♪ It's calling loud and clear ♪
♪ My time, at last, has come ♪
♪ This is my moment in the sun ♪
♪ This is my... ♪

[Gate rattles]

Up to the throne room, now! All of ya!

Ruined it. Thanks.


I've called you up here to catch up my brother-in-law/ future husband.


You know I can hear you, right?

So, that's the king and queen of Valencia, their daughter... she annoys me... and that's my ex.

I am Galavant, and so help me, God, I will...

Shut up, pretty boy.

My former boy toy/jester.

He was cuter pre-dungeon.

And... not sure who the black kid is.


And, of course, you know my current husband, your brother... Richard.

I'm sorry... you would actually go for him over me?

I mean, he's really, really, really, really old.

If you're so confident about being tougher than me, we could settle this with a duel.


Oh... oh, you want to go there?

I'm there.

Okay, fine.

This is a long time coming, brother... a duel to the death!

And now, like every great king to come before us, we shall choose a champion to fight in our stead while we watch from a safe distance while sloppily eating oversized turkey legs.

And for my champion, I choose...

Gareth will fight for me.

No, t-that's not fair. I was gonna choose him.


I don't have a choice, my lord.

Your move, little dicky.


Well, who's going to fight for me?


Anyone here good with a sword?

[Indistinct shouting]

[Shouting stops]

[All groan]

I'll fight for you, Richard.

But when I win, you'll release my friends.


Totally cool with that.

Galavant fights for me!

Well, that's good, because it just so happens...

♪ This is my moment in the sun ♪
♪ This is my... ♪


Sorry. That was annoying.

So annoying.

I'm hungry.

Can you explain to me why you're fighting for the man who's imprisoned us?

You heard the king... if I win, he frees us.

And Galavant doesn't lose a duel.

Ooh! Third-person alert.

Look, I know you have a lot on your plate, but my parents can't stand you, and my cousin is...

[gate rattles]

Hello, stinkos.

Stop being dumb. Call this off.

Take the offer to be my shag hag.

Kingsley's down with it.

You know, I think I'll pass.

[Sighing] Fine.

Come along, then.

You should come, too.

Then I can watch you watch him die.

Oh, look at that.

I just made it fun for me again.


Sid, if anything should happen to me, look after them.

But don't worry. Galavant's got this.


Waste of space. So cool. A... Bleep...



I cannot believe this, Gareth.

You've been my champion since we were 10 years old.

Now here you are, having to fight my stupid brother.

I mean, this is a disaster!

If you win, I lose my crown and kingdom.

If you lose, you die.

Yeah, I know. Sucks.


I'll miss our banter.

I don't like it when men touch my face.


He took my bloody seat!

I left my napkin right there!

Horse dog! Cat tails! Rat bits!

Get your snacks before the duel, everybody!

Some rat bits for the pretty little lady... on the house?

No, thank you.

Look, I'm sorry our date didn't work out.

But please don't give up on us.

Listen, chef...

Ah, please... call me Vincenzo.

I'd really rather not.

If I named you, I could get attached.

No point in getting attached if tomorrow, we'll both be d*ad.

Just stick with me, kid.

The king and I are tight. We'll be fine.

But tomorrow, there'll likely be a new king, and he doesn't seem like a very nice guy, does he?

These royal games have been going on for centuries, chef, and they always end badly for the downstairs people.

You go on being adorable, selling your rat bits, pretending everything's okay.

I'm gonna make my peace with God... pray for a quick death and a proper burial.

You have a very bleak view of the world, Gwynndolyn.

I've had a pretty bleak life, chef.

Well, I guess it's time.


I know you need to stay focused, so as you head off to your life-and-death duel, I'm not gonna mention any of the myriad of unsaid things between us.

If I'm gonna do what I have to right now, then I can't have my mind or my heart clouded.

But trust me, princess... my mind and my heart would be clouded if I allowed such things.

Well... break a leg.

For you, princess, I might break both of his.

♪ 'Cause now my moment's here ♪

I know.

♪ It's calling loud and clear ♪

I've heard.

♪ My time, at last has come ♪


♪ This is my moment in the sun... ♪

Oh, come on!

A pointy-hatted army approaches!

[Horses whinny]

[Spectators murmuring]


No, no, no! It's not nice to fight!

It is I, prince Harry, ruler of Hortensia and my mommy's special big boy.

Oh, isn't he adorable?

He is cute.

Hi, cousin. Looking good.

I'm sorry. Who's this?

My cousin... Prince Harry.

You haven't looked this pretty since our engagement ceremony.

He's also my fiance.

We may actually have a few things to talk about.

I'm confused.

Me too.

Isabella: Prince Harry is my cousin. Our parents have arranged for us to wed.


Ohh. That's not right.


How could you not tell me you were engaged?

Because it's ridiculous.

I mean, when he's 30, I'll be in my early 40s.

That's not that ridiculous.

No. I guess not.

Honestly, I never really thought of it that way before.

Do you really think this is the appropriate time to tell me all this?

I'm just about to fight for our lives.

I was trying to tell you this morning, but you didn't want to talk.

Well, it's too late now, isn't it? It's out there.

It's rattling around in my head, taking up space where fight thoughts should be.

This whole thing's gotten completely out of control.

I've got to do something.

You think?

Watch this.

Ladies and gentlemen, as eager as I am to begin this duel... and golly, am I eager... protocol dictates the arrival of a fellow royal necessitates a pre-duel welcome feast.


All right, everybody! Let's to the feast!

[Cheering and applause]

You're joking.

You're serious.

Where is everybody going?!

Come on!

[Cheering continues]

You hear that? They're cheering.

That must mean Galavant is d*ad.

Good night, sweet prince.

I'm sorry for your loss.

We'll mourn later.

Galavant always taught me a hero represses his feelings, which is what I'm doing right now.

[Sobbing loudly]



So, ideas?

Call that guard over.

Which one?

Ivan the mutilator or Keith?


H-hey, Keith?

Can you come here a sec?

Hey, Keith, check this out.

Ah. Aha?






What was that?

First thing they teach you in jester school... classic misdirection.

Should have done this before they k*lled Galavant.

Now, if we could just get rid of the guards...

Hey, guys! Pre-duel lunch! Come on!

This isn't luck.

Galavant must be helping us from beyond the grave.

Follow me.

This ends badly.

Oh, good. You're here.

Where else would I be?

I'm preparing an impromptu feast for 75 uppity royals, because... Bleep... me, right?

I don't want to have a bleak life anymore.

Look, there are three factions of warring royals here for a feast that you're cooking, that I'm serving.

This ends with us d*ad... maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but it always ends the same way.

Do you know, I'm beginning to think you're right.

Why can't we change the ending?

♪ When rich folks w*r, who dies? ♪

The poor.

♪ On that, you can depend ♪
♪ So, obviously, for you and me ♪
♪ There's only one way this can end ♪

Let's see.

Appetizers... salads...


♪ Let's spike the soup with some arsenic ♪


♪ Just a few droplets, like thus ♪
♪ Serve, and each blue blood will die as they spew blood ♪
♪ A happy ending for us ♪


♪ How 'bout a pie full of cyanide? ♪
♪ Can you imagine the fuss? ♪
♪ Oh, cramps, diarrhea, convulsions ♪
♪ Then "see ya" ♪
♪ A happy ending for us ♪
♪ Picture that great big pool of puke and stool ♪
♪ A happy ending for us ♪

I could fry up some heirloom toadstools with a little hemlock vinaigrette.



♪ If they survive to the entrée ♪

Go on.

♪ Strychnine can be your best friend ♪


♪ Poison the meat first ♪
♪ They'll leave the hall feet first ♪
♪ A perfect fairy-tale end ♪
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ How 'bout a tray of bad shellfish? ♪


♪ Ooh! Chicken's delicious served rare ♪

A tartare.

♪ Choose any toxin, then toss the whole box in ♪
♪ Voila, they're gasping for air ♪
♪ Oh, how they'll heave and spurt ♪
♪ and for dessert, do things too gross to discuss ♪
♪ And they will claw and choke till all of them croak ♪
♪ A lovely ending ♪
♪ A storybook ending ♪
♪ A happy ending for u-u-u-u-u-u-u-us ♪

What do you say?

I'd better get cookin'.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hello, Galavant.

Last meal.

Anything else you'd like to do for the last time?



You're doing your strong-and-silent-hero thing.


That thing your dumb dad drilled into your head.

[Deep voice] "Son, a hero doesn't talk.

"He might not hear it when his moment arrives.

Blah, blah, blah, have another drink."

[Sighs, clicks tongue]

Oh, my God.

That is exactly what I'm doing.

You know, sometimes, I see this glimmer in you.

You know, you're... if you eat that last danish, I will reach down your throat, pull it out, and b*at you to death with it!


Never mind.

Up here, we want to go left.

Really? 'Cause Galavant's map says we go right.

Well, my husband and I have lived here 40 years, but really... tell me more about your d*ad friend's hand-drawn map!

Apologies for my wife.

We've been in that dungeon a really long time.

Everybody, shh! A guard.

You know what? We'll go your way.

All right, Gareth, I bought us some time.

What's next? What do you think?

You know what I think?

I think you should start acting like a man and not like a king.

I think you should have fought that old geezer of a brother of yours, kicked his ass, and we wouldn't be in this position we are right now.

And how does he get this hummus so creamy?

I mean, when I do it myself, I can't get it this creamy.

And the chickpeas so perfectly blended.

It's yummy.


Bless you.

Thank you.


Bless you.



Well, hurry! Bless me before my soul escapes!

[All coughing, retching]

What the hell is going on?

It's starting! The poison's working!

Die, swine!

Rot in hell!

How long till they die?

I couldn't do it.


I know what you said, but I'm not a k*ller.

So what's happening?

I've been feeding these royals my whole life.

I know every single thing they're allergic to.

They won't die, but at the very least, we'll get to see them in a great deal of discomfort before they k*ll us.

Well, you've let me down terribly.

But it was nice to be reminded there still are good-hearted people in the world.

If this is my last day on earth, at least it wasn't a bleak one.

I thank you for that, Vincenzo.

You have a family of spiders in your hair.

Your breath reminds me of the time I found my Uncle's body in a well.

The king is scratching.

[Both chuckle]

[Straining] We may need to clear the throne room.

[Coughing, retching continue]

He's alive.


Arnold: [Echoing] This is your moment, Galavant.

k*ll the kings. Be the hero.

[Gasps] What are you doing?

You're allergic to crab.

If you eat that, your throat's gonna get all itchy, and you're gonna be making that... [Snorts] sound all night.

I'm sorry we didn't speak earlier.

Speaking to you is one of my favorite things to do.

Perhaps my favorite conversation ever was our four-hour analysis of what sid's "thank you" meant.

I meant "thank you."


So passive-aggressive.

My father was wrong.

You don't have to hide your feelings to be a hero.

If I did, I wouldn't be your type of hero.

And frankly, princess, that's the only type of hero I want to be.

Well, sucks for me.

I better go home, or my mom's gonna be mad.

Have fun changing your name when you get married.



Bye, Harry.

Well, would you look at that?

You didn't have to k*ll a soul, but you finally got your moment.


Not quite yet.

[Choir vocalizing]

♪ This is my moment in the sun ♪
♪ This is my mome-e-e-e-nt ♪

[Choir stops]

That's it?

Yeah, that's all I got.

Well, I say let's execute the chef.

Excuse me!

He is my chef, and only I can execute him.

Then do something about it, little dicky.

Maybe I will!

I hereby declare that I shall be the first royal in history to fight his own duel!

[All gasp]

Richard: Very impressive.

I'm looking forward to the day that Gareth will k*ll you.


No, no, no, no. I thought you and I were going to fight.


It'll be fun watching your best friend k*ll you, Dickie.

[Madalena laughs]

Oh, I am so turned on right...

[stomach rumbles] Aah!


[stomach rumbles]

'Scuse me.

Who knows, sire? Maybe you'll win.

Only one thing is certain.

I'm a d*ad man?
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