01x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

f*ck this fuckin’ guy.

Comedian assh*le.

Which one?

Ronnie Wilkis?

Who’s that?

I made it up.

No, he means Casey Louistein, right?

He said that thing about Tr*mp.

Yeah, shithead, half a clown telling me how to vote, like he knows anything?

I don't think he was trying to tell you how to vote.

I think he just-- He wanted you to think--

No, no, no.

Just tell your dumb jokes and shut the f*ck up so that grown folks can talk.

I hate when celebrities think that anybody cares about what they think.

So f*cking annoying.

Bourbon on the rocks.

Oh, I don't know how to vote!

I need Casey Louistein to come from on high and tell me who's h*tler, 'cause everyone's h*tler.

I need a Hollywood sodomite to let me know what's what.

Sodomite, sodomite.

What does that come from?

From, uh, Sodom.

Yeah, Sodom and Gomorrah.

But I don't-- I never knew that story, like, I don't know what that story was.

You don't know the story of Sodom and Gomorrah?

Not really.

That's how we know h*m* should burn, according to the Bible.

Oh.

I don't think that, but the Bible, that's where it teaches us about--

What's that story? What's Sodom and Gomorrah?

You know, it's Abraham, the father of Israel and his brother Lot, and they're picking a place to live, right?

They each-- I don't know why they have to live in separate spots, but they can't live near each other, so Abraham picks the wilderness, where good folks live in tents, right?

Away from sin and what have you.

And then Lot, uh, I think 'cause his wife likes fancy things, he goes to Sodom, which is--

You know, it's like a gay neighborhood, so it's nice, right?

I’m not really clear on what Gomorrah did wrong.

I know sodomy is where we get butt f*cking from.

It's just wrong hole usage, so Gomorrah, who--

That must have been ten times worse, 'cause they don't even bring them up.

But Lot moved to Sodom, and you know, it's the biggest city and these people can't use the right hole to save their lives, and as you know, God cares deeply about that, so he goes to Abraham and he goes, I gotta tell you, where your brother lives, I mean, it's crazy, they are just f*cking anything and everything and I'm gonna just have to burn it with fire.

That's how bad it's getting, you know?

And Abraham goes, Lord, please, don't--

Don't m*rder everyone in the city, you know?

What if there's just 20-- 20 righteous men?

Twenty righteous men, don't k*ll them.

And God goes, all right, hold on, I'm gonna check.

Nope. There's not.

And then Abraham goes, okay, 10.

He Jews God down and God ain't having it and he goes, nah, there's not even 10.

He goes, but cheer up, I'm gonna save your brother and his family, and what God does is send two angels disguised as travelers, okay?

And they're gonna get Lot out before the big, you know, droning.

The biblical droning, let's call it.

So, uh, so they show up and they're explaining to Lot what's happening, and all of a sudden, there's a knock at the door and it's the entire city.

Like, the whole--

Every man and boy in the city, like every single one has shown up and surrounded the house and they say, hey, Lot, you know those guys that just came into your house?

Those two strangers?

Send 'em out, because we're gonna all f*ck 'em.

No.

Yeah.

Horace: This is in the Bible?

I’m paraphrasing it, but it's--

They're gonna f*ck 'em. Yeah, I don't-- I don't get it either.

I don't know if that's like the last...

Maybe they've just all f*cked so much that there's not a new hole in town, but I don't know when Lot moved in how he got past that gauntlet of dicks that apparently--

Anyway, so Lot goes--

Now, this is also important, because besides how we know h*m* are bad, according to the Bible, this is also how we know that a straight man's assh*le virginity is much more sacred and precious than like your garbage p*ssy, okay?

Not you--

You said my p*ssy is garbage?

Well, no, all p*ssy is garbage, just in the eyes of God.

Not to me, I like it.

But I’m just saying, in the Bible, your--

To compare-- just an assh*le hair of mine is worthless, and that's in the story, so they go send these guys out and Lot goes, oh, my God, don't--

Please don't f*ck our guests.

All of you.

And he goes, look, take my two daughters.

No.

He has two daughters, yeah.

He goes, take my two--

'Cause I know you guys gotta r*pe something, right?

So at least get it in the right hole.

I mean, actually, f*ck 'em wherever you want, but just please don't harm these two guys I've never met before.

So--

That happened to my uncle.

(laughter)

Well, so things looked pretty grim, you know, for those angels.

Yeah, so--

And the angels say, let's--

Now we're gonna step in, and they strike everyone blind, the whole--

Every man in the city and boy, blind.

And then they keep looking for the angels even though they're blind.

That's one of my favorite parts and they're like, where...

Where are those angels? I gotta have 'em.

And the angels lead Lot and his family out of the city, 'cause now there's time to explode, and they go listen, this-- Don't even look back.

We're just gonna run straight outta here, do not look back, whatever you do.

Don't take any of your stuff, we're just getting the hell out.

So they all are running, and then Lot's wife, because she misses her stuff or whatever, she turns around, like wistfully, as they're running, and turns into a pillar of salt.

Yeah. This dumb c**t can't--

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch that!

Watch what?

We don't say that word in here.

That's where you draw the line?

Yeah, don't say that word in here.

You don't say it?

No, I don't say it.

Okay, well, let me say it for you.

c**t!

Okay.

Okay, okay...

You know what? Get outta here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey....

Get out-- Get outta here right--

She's not serious, right?

Don't look at him!

Listen to me. Get outta here right now.

Sylvie, we don't do that. What are you doing?

Turn around and get out of here.

What the f*ck, man?

Maybe go, Kurt.

'Cause I said "c**t," you're throwing me out?

All right.

I am throwing you out.

Maybe you should just go. Just--

And don't come back.

Whoa, whoa.

No, no, come on, he can come--

Turn around!

We don't-- He's not banned.

No, he can leave to cool you off, but he's not--

All right. Fine, cool.

Just go, Kurt.

All right.

Come back later.

Yeah, no, I get it.

c**t!

What the f*ck?

That was intense.

Uh, hi.

Excuse me.

Yeah, Pete there is the bartender. He can help you.

No. I was just wondering, um...

Yeah?

How you doing?

How-- How am I doing?

Yeah, yeah. It's, uh...

You know, it's a nice day.

Sure.

I’m just want-- I just wanted to start a conversation.

Ah. No, thank you.

Well, don't just say no.

I mean, please.

Okay, what do you-- what do you want?

Well, that's a great question.

Okay, well, like I said, um, I have work to do here.

Uh...

All right, I think you're very beautiful and I think you're exciting and I’d like to have a convers-s-sation with you.

Well, uh, see, I am working, and so no, I really don't want to have a conversation.

You have cancer?

Are you kidding me?

No, no, I--

I really wanted to know because I think it's really, really sexy.

That I have cancer?

Yes.

I find it very erotic.

Uh, I mean, you're like--

Well, it's not that I think you're dying, but it's like, you body is flirting with death.

That's sexy.

Really.

Yeah.

So what-- what is sexy about that?

(sighs)

I don't know.

I-- I-- I don't know, it's just, uh, uh...

I use-- I work in a hospital.

Doing what?

I clean.

Okay.

Yeah, and-- and-- and, um, I used to just clean this one floor and then they started sending me to the cancer ward and I started seeing all these ladies with cancer, and it really gave me a very special arousal.

I mean, I don't want to be off-f-fensive to you.

Ah, you don't. Good.

Am I offending you?

Well, you're not impressing me.

Oh, it's not that I would think the cancer is the only thing I find attractive about you.

Ah, well, that's a relief. Excuse me, will you?

Horace.

Sure.

Yeah.

Is this right?

What's that?

I am looking at the beer invoices.

It seems to indicate that we paid for Budweiser twice what we did just a year ago.

Yeah, that's right.

So what's going on?

Eh, it's a long story.

'Cause we only serve Budweiser.

Yeah.

Yeah, so we get charged more?

Yeah.

Okay.

It's kind of hard to explain.

Well, try.

You see, Budweiser's kind of on the ropes.

Yeah.

You know, because of all the small beer companies, all the new artisan beers out of Portland that blew up a few years ago, especially in Brooklyn at all, you know, the hipster places.

And so the Bud distributors, they had to cut their prices to even get those places to stock it.

Now they're losing money.

I see.

So they're charging us more because they know we have to pay it.

Yep.

Yeah, so we're getting penalized for being loyal.

Yeah, that's exactly right.

Okay, well, see, that's bad business, fellas.

So, I mean, let's just start ordering other beers, right?

Ah... I don't know.

You don't know what?

Uh... 'Cause we only serve Budweiser, okay? That's it.

That's the way it's always been.

Yeah, so what?

Well, you...

Oh, uh...

Just give me a minute, will you?

What is that about?

I don't know.

Okay, that's fine. That's fine.

I was just trying to connect with you, and I can see I just don't-- don't mean a hang to you at all.

But that's how it always is.

See, that's what happens when I reach out, I make myself vulnerable to a new person.

It's classic.

I reach out, I-- I-- I talk from my heart.

I put my feelings on the line.

And it's like I don't even exist.

Like I was never born. Right?

Like my parents never met, like they never had me or my-- my-- my-- or my brother.

See, see, I'm-- I'm a person.

I have a story, that's right.

I either watch my brother every night because they worked every night, and then one night, they don't come home.

So I took c-c-care of him, and now my brother's happy and he's strong, because I raised him.

I raised him good.

And only two years older than him, and now he doesn't t-t-talk to me.

And l-l-look at me.

I struggle, and so I appear weak, and people go, no one wants to l-l-look at me.

People don't want to look at the weak because it reminds them of their own weakness.

But what they don't get--

What they don't get is that when someone's struggling, it means he's strong, he's strong, because the weak don't struggle.

They just die.

So whatever you think of me, I’m alive.

I’m alive.

So go ahead.

Ignore me, go about your day, even though I’m the one who made you feel special.

Just like my brother, just like my brother.

When I gave him the strength to neglect me.

I put you on a pedestal and now you can't see me.

But-- And so, fine.

So do what-- Do whatever you want!

It's just typical.

I've come to expect it.

Okay, then. You have a great day.

So you still talk to, uh, Maxie?

Maxie?

Yeah, he was the tall guy? Remember?

He went out with Rachel Hunter.

Oh jeez, Pete. Maxie d*ed years ago.

Ah, sh*t.

I didn’t know.

Yeah, I got kind of a patchy past, you know?

I got like high school and then I got 10 years ago.

Why’s that?

Were you in the joint or something?

Yeah, or something.

Pete was in a mental health facility.

It's not funny, Dom. He was gone a long time.

Sorry.

He got medicated and he got out.

We've been friends since school.

Whatever. Sorry.

Yeah. Yeah.

So what's up, Pete?

Well, listen.

I remember last time I saw you, you told me that you were on the mayor’s detail.

Is that still, uh...?

Yeah, still.

Still, still.

We drive behind him and then he goes there and then he goes here.

(clears throat) It's f*cking boring.

Eh, I don't mind it too much.

Well, the reason I--

I know you don't mind it.

The reason I’m asking is, um...

What's up, Pete?

Well, so this place, you know, the bar.

We've been having a tough time, and so I've been, um...

Uh, well, I've-- I've applied to have it declared a landmark.

This way it would make it harder to shut it down, you know?

And, uh...

Hey, what's the big secret?

Why are we-- why are we doing-- being all quiet?

Well, because...

Because what?

Listen, Dom.

What?

Can you give us a minute?

Well, pardon me all over the f*cking joint.

What's up, Pete? Talk to me.

Well...

Sylvia, she's trying to shut the place down.

I mean, she's been working here and, you know, we're trying to make it work, but I know she still has her sights on flushing the place for cash, so I thought maybe this is a way to, you know, make it so that she can't sell it.

So why are you telling me?

Well, so I've applied for, you know, the landmark status, but I mean, it's a real bitch to--

I mean, it's like the worst kind of paperwork and then the waiting and it's like impossible.

So I thought maybe...

I don't know, if you could--

Uh, since you ride around with the mayor, if you can get him to come here, you know?

And then if he sees the place and then, you know, that could move our application up on the pile, you know?

Wow, Pete. I mean, I don't know.

And of all the favors that I get asked as being a cop, that's the least offensive, but I don't tell the mayor where to go.

I just follow him around, you know?

I know, I know. I just thought if you, you know, find yourself, you know, cruising around Brooklyn with the mayor and-- and he's got a minute and he ever says, hey, where can a guy get a beer around here?

And then you can go, I know of a place, Your Honor.

You know? That's all I’m asking.

Wow, Pete, man.

That's a long sh*t you're taking there.

Well, it's the only one I got.

Man... Well, hey, man, I don't know.

It may never happen, but if I find myself in that exact situation, I will say exactly that, okay?

All right. Well, thanks, Ricardo, I appreciate it.

Oh, hey, you did a lot for me as a kid.

I did?

Yeah.

Yeah, even as a grown-up, I never found a friend that did for me what you did.

Yeah, we were kids, but you stuck up for me.

You know.

I was sad when you went away.

And when I heard you got out, I came around a lot to try and catch up with you, you know.

I know.

I wanted to be there for you now...

Yeah, but...

I don't know, it was just kinda-- It was tough.

It was tough facing everybody, and you know, I was all changed.

Yeah.

I don't know, just...

Yeah, I get it. I get it.

Hey, man, I was happy that you-- that you reached out.

In fact, I was glad that you called.

And I hope I could do this for you.

All right. Thanks.

It's good to see you.

You too, you too, Ricardo, thank you.

I'll see you.

All right.

(knocking)

Come on, Dom.

Great.

Really good getting to know you guys.

Was that...

Ricky Vonn?

Yeah.

What was going on there?

Just catching up.

Catching up.

(door opens)

Horace.

Oh.

Hey.

Hi, Dad.

I’m fine. Hi, Pete.

Hey, it's good to see you.

Hi, honey, it's so nice to see you.

Hi, Sylvia. How are you?

Are you doing okay?

Oh, yeah, I’m fine, I'm fine.

Good. This is Eric, by the way.

Eric, this is my dad, Horace, and Pete.

And my aunt, Sylvia.

Hey, hi. How you doing?

How's it going?

How are you?

Hi, nice to meet you.

How's it going?

I’m just-- I’m gonna do this.

Okay.

It's nice to meet you, Eric.

Boyfriend?

Uh, yeah.

Um, I mean, I haven't been officially title-fied as such, but, you know, I'm kinda getting the sense that I'm--

I'm-- I'm her boyfriend.

Yeah, I think so. (chuckling)

Gotcha. Okay, it's nice to meet you.

You wanna have a seat?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, uh...

Eric?

Yeah.

Did you guys meet in school or...?

Yep.

Yeah, we were on opposite sides of a mock case, and she b*at my ass.

Yeah, I did.

I had no sh*t.

She's really good.

Yeah.

I figured, better be a better lawyer, or, you know, I could just marry this one.

Oh, I didn't-- I didn't know that--

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

I mean--

No, I just-- Not--

In the-- in the moment, it--

You know, I thought...

But now, I mean, of course.

Now, now that he knows me, he knows he would never marry me.

No, I mean, I don't--

I would-- I don't know if I would, but...

Nobody's asking, Eric. It's fine.

I just-- I just mean that--

It's not that I’m not thinking, but it's still very--

I’m-- (sighs)

She-- she messes me up really bad.

Yes, it's very cute.

Isn't it?

It's all very cute.

Yeah.

So, uh...

You liked her because she b*at you.

And then why did you-- What did you like about him?

I guess... because I b*at him.

Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha!

Yeah, you know, I guess it's good, you know, early on, to, you know, really know that you have no sh*t with somebody in an argument, really, in the relationship.

Ha. Yeah.

(chuckles) Um...

Am I-- am I-- am I annoying you?

No.

Right now?

No, no, it's--

It's annoying to me that my father makes you nervous, because if you knew him personally, you would not care what he thinks.

Okay, uh, don't know what to say to that.

(nervous laugh)

Yeah, I don't, uh, don't know how to-- don't know how to respond to that.

Yeah, me neither, buddy.

Sorry, guys.

I am nervous, but it's not because of him.

I...

I’m nervous because he's your dad and that's... important.

I’m nervous because of you, not because of him.

Oh, my God.

Um... well...

Yeah, I-- I have to go.

Okay, all right.

Okay.

I'll see you in a bit.

Nice to meet you.

Yes, nice meeting you.

If you say so.

Yeah.

Bye.

Well, um...

(chuckling)

He seems like a--

Seems like a nice guy.

He is a nice guy, he's a good guy.

Good.

So what are you...?

What am I what?

Well, you know.

Be careful.

Um, I don't know.

What do you mean?

Dad, what do you mean?

I just mean that, um...

Well, are you gonna move in together?

No, we just started dating.

All right.

Well, go slow. That's all I’m saying.

Okay.

What makes you think I'm trying to rush things?

Well, your situation, you know, you don't have a place to live, so...

Okay, so you think that I got a boyfriend so I'll have a place to live?

Is this...

Is this because you want me to move in here?

Huh? No, no, no, no.

I mean, Sylvia's living here now.

She is?

Yeah, she's-- she lives upstairs in her old room and I'm helping her, I'm taking her to treatments and she's-- and she's working here.

Wow.

No, I’m just saying that, you know, you're in the middle of your education, so, uh, you should just be careful.

I just-- What in your mind does that even mean?

Well, a woman your age who's in college...

Law school, Dad.

Right.

I’m just saying, it's your life and your career that you've worked really hard for, and I just don't want you to-- let your life be absorbed into his life, you know?

Well, that's a legitimate concern.

I mean, maybe.

Maybe in like 1982 or something, but I feel like women have made some progress, you know?

I don't know, I...

No, you don't know. That's the thing.

Look...

Alice, first of all, you weren't alive in 1982, okay?

I was.

And I've known women longer than you've been a woman.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, it's true.

You've been an adult for four years and I've got 50 on you, okay?

I mean, I’m 50.

I'll go 42.

(Alice laughs)

The point is, I have knowledge that you can benefit from.

But can you see how this is condescending?

Like you're being very condescending.

I don't mean to be condescending, I'm sorry.

I’m not trying to be condescending.

No, you know what? I am. I am trying to be condescending.

Why--

Why can't I condescend to you? I’m your father.

Barely.

I'm older than you and I’m taller than you, okay?

Why-- Can't anybody condescend to anyone?

Does everyone have to talk to each other on an equal level?

Can't a pumpkin condescend to a peanut?

When a pumpkin meets a peanut, does he have to say, oh, you're totally the same size as me, peanut.

Okay. Okay. I got it.

Okay?

Okay, yes.

All right.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I am. I’m good.

Good.

Yeah.

And so, I can't--

Sylvia is working down here?

Yeah.

But I thought she wanted to shut the place down.

Well, she works here and, you know, its hers, partly, too, so...

No.

But is it nice having her here?

Yeah.

And no. But yeah.

'Cause it seems like it would be intense.

Like, is it?

Well, you know, Sylvia can be very harsh and she can be tough and...

Um, but I-- It doesn't bother me.

She's family.

Okay. Good.

Yeah.

Well, I gotta go, okay?

Okay.

Hey, thanks for bringing-- bringing him by.

Yeah, I--

I don't know. I wanted to.

Okay.

Um... bye.

Bye.

Uh, bye, Sylvie.

Oh, bye, sweetie.

Hey, uh, I hope you're okay, you know?

Good luck with the thing, 'cause, um, my friend's mom d*ed from it last year, so I hope that you'll be fine.

All right. (clears throat)

Well, I'm gonna go.

(door opens)

Brenda's gonna meet me at Sloan Kettering, and I'm gonna stay with her tonight.

Oh.

Yeah, I'm getting some... test results.

They say I had to be there in person.

For some reason, they can't e-mail it-- e-mail it to me, you know.

"You're dead," so I can get on with my life, so anyway, I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay. I hope it's good, I hope it's good.

All right. See you then.

Bye, Pete.

Bye, Syl.

(door opens, then closes)

(ice cubes clinking)

(woman clears throat)

You own the place?

Yeah, how'd you guess?

You walk around like you own the place.

I wasn't crying about anything.

I’m sorry?

I know you saw me crying. It wasn't about anything.

Okay.

You were just, uh, cleaning your eyes, I guess?

(chuckles)

Yeah.

I was cleaning my eyes, that's all.

(Horace clears throat)

I do it all the time.

So do I.

Can I buy you a drink?

If you want to.

Hey, Pete, can you...?

Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, to--

Thanks for the drink.

Okay.

You probably think I was crying about a man somewhere?

No, no, I-- I-- I believe you.

You were just cleaning your eyes, I don't have any--

I was not crying about a man. I was not crying about no man.

I don't need men to feel lonely, I can do that all by myself.

I have been around long enough to know that men can only make two contributions to my life.

They can lift things.

And they can f*ck.

I don't want to know you, I don't want to date you, I don't want to move in with you, I don't want to meet your mama.

f*ck me.

Move my furniture.

Um, where do you want it?

Ha ha.

You're clever, you're clever.

Not really.

I agree with you, though.

Agree with me?

Yeah, I don't-- (clears throat)

I mean, for me, I don't want to get married and I don't want to live with anybody.

(clears throat)

You just want to f*ck.

So you're a man.

Nothing special about you.

Well, I mean, that's not true.

There is something special about me.

Is there?

Yeah.

Special?

Mm-hmm.

What's that?

What's what?

Don't play games with me. What's special about you?

I mean, you could find out.

I think you are trying to tell me you have a big penis.

Is that what you're trying to tell me? You have a big old special penis?

Well...

Here you are.

You look like someone's who's gonna rent me a car.

You don't f*ck around, you just come right at it, huh?

Well, you know, you gave me that one road to go down, so I-- I went down it.

(laughing)

Are you trying to start something with me?

You wanna do something with me. Is that it?

I would like to, uh...

I'd like to move your furniture.

I'd like to make a contribution.

(woman laughing)

That's cute. (laughing)

Um, I live upstairs.

Excuse me?

(clears throat)

What I was saying is that, okay, I think you're really very beautiful and very sexy, and I live right upstairs.

You live in the building?

No, I live right up those stairs right there.

Mm-hmm.

Pick a card.

(both laughing)

You want me to go up those stairs, you want me to f*ck you?

Yeah, I would like that. If you want to.

If I want to.

Mm-hmm.

Very decent of you.

What's your name?

Horace.

What's your name?

Rhonda.

Rhonda?

Nice to meet you.

♪♪

(man humming to music)

(man vocalizing)

♪ Horace and Pete ♪

Hey.

Good morning.

Hi.

Sorry I fell asleep. I passed out.

(clears throat)

I didn't mean to spend the night.

Sorry.

Don't worry.

Going, I'm not gonna make this into an awkward morning.

It's all right.

Hey, you want some eggs?

No, I’m-- I'm not gonna--

It's just some eggs.

I mean, I made 'em if you want some.

You don't have to, but...

Well, walk of shame is a bit easier on a full stomach.

Yeah.

Come on.

Look, I don't want anything from you. You understand, right?

Fully.

I’m not--

I’m not--

It's just-- it's just some eggs.

And then I’m gonna go.

Okay.

Yes, please do.

(both chuckling)

Okay then, 'cause I really love some eggs.

Right?

Ugh.

Smells good.

Is that all right?

Oh, so good.

(clears throat)

It's kind of hard to f*ck up some scrambled eggs.

Hmm...

Mmm.

Do you have a... (clears throat)

Where do you-- do you have far way to walk, shamefully?

Not very far.

Hmm.

So what's your deal?

You own this bar.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, my sister and I and my cousin, we own it together.

Family bar.

Married?

No, no. Not for a long, long time.

Kids?

Um, yep. Two.

How old?

I have a son who's 23.

And, uh, my daughter is 23.

Oh. Twins.

Nope.

You have a daughter and son who are the same age and they're not twins?

Mm-hmm.

What happened?

(chuckles)

Um, well...

(Rhonda snickers)

Well, I got married when I was 21 and my wife was 32.

It was not-- I mean, it was too fast for me.

So, she has a sister, and her sister's my age, and me and her sister started to-- start f*cking.

Oh.

Yeah.

Ooh. Why? Why?

Well, 'cause, you know... (chuckling)

So...

sh*t.

Uh, then her sister and her, I got 'em both pregnant at the same time.

My God! Holy sh*t.

Yeah.

Holy sh*t.

Yeah.

I think I'm gonna need some hair of the dog on that.

Oh, yeah? Okay, sure.

God.

Did they all find out?

Sorry?

Did they all find out?

Yes, every-- I mean...

It broke my family up.

What about the sister?

She just kinda took off, you know?

I don't know, and went traveling and stuff.

And my wife, uh, she raised the kids together, you know, like brother and sister.

Oh.

Cousins.

But they-- they know now, the kids.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you know.

I mean, you can lie to kids about who their mom is, you can actually pull that off, but, uh, you can't pretend that they're twins.

That's--

Wow.

Yeah.

Anyway, my son doesn't talk to me.

And, um, Alice, that's my daughter, she's-- she's in my life.

I don't know why, but, uh, but I’m glad.

That's a lot.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a lot.

Can I just say... (clears throat) that was some serious f*cking last night?

Yeah.

It's not boring.

No, right?

It was not nothing.

Yeah, that was a big f*cking f*ck, man.

Yeah.

Penis is not that big.

Nice, though.

Yeah?

Really nice.

Okay, I'll take that.

It's not bad.

Nice little penis.

No. No, that's not what I said.

Well, you have a very nice p*ssy.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's really, really nice.

Thank you, I mean...

Picked it out myself.

Oh, yeah? Nice job.

Yeah, I had it-- put it in 10 years ago where my d*ck used to be.

(Horace chuckling)

You're wondering if I'm kidding.

No, no, no.

I mean, I-- I, uh...

You know, I know you're kidding, I'm not worried about it.

Why would you worry about it?

You mean, what if you were-- what if you were...

If I was a woman?

You are a woman.

Yes, I am.

Yeah, you're not a man.

No, I'm not.

You weren't--

You weren't one before, though, right?

Who cares what I was before? I'm a woman.

Are you f*cking with me right now?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

You're f*cking with me.

You're f*cking around.

What if I’m not?

What if I'm not?

You're f*cking with me, I know you are.

What if you're not? What if you were--

What if you were--

Yeah, what if I was--

What if you used to be a guy?

What if I am a woman that used to be a guy?

Well...

Let me ask you this.

Yeah?

Do you think that a person who transitions from being a man into being a woman is as much a woman as someone who is born a woman?

Well, I mean, yeah, they--

They should be treated that way.

You think they should be treated--

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you're--

If you trans as whatever, from one sex to another, then when you get there, you should be able to--

You should be able to call yourself whatever-- whatever you think you are.

It's up to you.

Whatever you think you are?

So you think trans people are deluded, that they're wrong, but we should just be nice to them and let them believe it.

Nah, I don't-- I don't think that, that's not--

Okay, sorry.

So you think that they should be treated like women even though they're not.

I just think that... legally... you know, like the Constitution, I think they should have the same rights, I think they should have the same rights.

And by rights, you mean... using the toilet, applying for a job.

Yeah, or-- Well, I mean, and, you know, getting married.

Gay people can get married.

I think that's great that gay people can get married.

We're not talking about gay people.

No, I know.

Look, do you think that a guy who transitions into being a woman should be able to marry a man in a heterosexual marriage?

Yeah, sure.

Yes.

Okay.

So who's the guy? Who marries--

Who marries her?

A guy who has that preference, who likes that.

Okay.

So you think that, um, a man who has sex with a transgender woman is a sexual preference?

Yes?

Yes.

Yes, I do think so.

That's...

So a-- so a person who is born a woman in a male body...

Mm-hmm.

...who transitions and becomes a female is only allowed to have sex with someone who specifically gets off on f*cking transgender people?

She can't-- she can't just be herself?

And just-- just live her life?

She can't meet men, date men, f*ck men, marry men.

Just like a woman who was born a woman.

I mean, she can apply for a job, she can serve her country, she can use the toilet.

But she can't... do the one thing that makes her a woman, she can't f*ck men.

Unless they're freaks who dig chicks that used to have dicks.

Uh...

No, I...

Well, that's her, right?

So then...

Okay.

All right, well, let's say for instance, let's say that you were-- used to be a guy.

Okay.

If you-- Okay.

If you were, if you used to be a guy, I think, I mean, you would have an obligation to tell somebody you're gonna be with.

Why?

Because a guy, like for instance me, has a right to know if he's having sex with a man because I'm not gay.

Do you think you had sex with a man last night?

No, I-- I assume I didn't.

Because you would have to--

You would have to tell somebody a thing like that.

Well, but you didn't ask me before we had sex.

You just told me about your big, special penis and invited me upstairs.

But you don't have to--

You don't have to-- You don't have to--

You don't have to ask people, which one are you, before you get started.

It's just--

A person has the right to assume certain things.

Did I have the right to assume that you aren't a sexual deviant who did the unthinkable with his special penis?

Deviant...

Okay, look.

No, in some cultures, what you did in your family... (clears throat) is considered a crime punishable by death.

So did you have an obligation to tell me what kind of man I was getting intimate with instead of... (chuckles) springing it on me, like the morning paper over some eggs?

I’m not judging you. I'm making a point.

Look at me.

Okay, I am not judging you.

I mean, you did do something wrong, but I am not judging you.

I would not do that.

I am not looking down on you.

But you are judging people just for being themselves.

So let me put your mind at rest about one thing.

You had sex with a woman last night.

Yeah, I did.

You did.

Mm-hmm.

(clears throat) And always was--

And always was a woman?

(chuckles) sh*t.

Whew.

(Rhonda chuckles)

Can I just say one thing?

Yeah.

I-- I believe in equal rights for everybody.

That's what I believe in. I mean, for everybody.

I know you think you do.

No, I do.

I really do.

There-- there--

I do.

There-- Everyone is feeling real good about accepting the transgender right now.

I know.

They love the transgender when they're transitioning.

They're brave.

They're becoming themselves, it's--

Right.

Good for them.

But the true path to acceptance comes when you have sex with one and you don't think you got cheated into doing something gay, 'cause that, my sister-f*cking friend, is ignorant.

Hmm.

And hey, the f*cking was good, right?

You got f*cked good by a woman.

Uh-huh, right.

Yep.

What difference does it make what she used to be?

Hmmm...

(laughing)

Wow.

And that's why you shouldn't have breakfast.

Uh-huh.

(laughing)

I gotta go.

You don't have to. (clears throat)

You don't have to go.

Yeah, I gotta go.

Hey, uh... (clears throat)

Do you want to...

Do you want to see each other again?

You want to?

Yeah.

Okay, there's one thing about me you should know.

Uh-huh.

I'm a drunk.

Well, I own a bar.

(door opens, then slams)

We'll see.

That's my sister.

Hi.

Hi.

Not the...

(door opens)

(door closes)

Uh, that's--

You okay?

Yeah.

How you doing?

Good.

What's going on with you?

Well, I-- I got the results yesterday and I'm fine.

You're what? You're fine?

Yeah, I'm gonna be fine.

You serious?

Yeah.

So...

Wow.

I just wanted to tell you.

Thanks.

You all right?

Yeah.

Yeah, you know.

Just gonna, uh...

You want something to eat?

Uh, not just yet.

I have to plan a life now.

Oh-ho.

(Alice chuckles)

So I'm a little busy.

(inhales and exhales deeply)

Thanks for telling me.

Mm-hmm.

It's okay.

Oh.

Oh, sh*t.

I might have f*cked a guy last night.

Oh! (laughing)

Me too.

♪♪
♪ Hell, no ♪
♪ I can't complain about my problems ♪
♪ I’m okay the way things are ♪
♪ I pull my stool up to the bar ♪
♪ At Horace & Pete's ♪
♪ Sometimes I wonder ♪
♪ Why do we tear ourselves to pieces? ♪
♪ I just need some time to think ♪
♪ Or maybe I just need a drink ♪
♪ At Horace & Pete's ♪
♪ Horace & Pete ♪♪

(record scratching)