01x01 - Elvis (Pilot)

[bunniefuu]

Dice: I was doing 80,000 seats a week... 80,000 seats.

When you reach that level of success, you know, it's... it's hard to stay there.

So when it got a little tough, I grabbed my girlfriend, Carmen, and my sons, and we moved to Vegas to make things a little easier.

But the shows... well, you know, that's not really happening right now.

You know what I mean?

So my only real source of income has been coming from gambling.

Long story short, I need new windows, and... and I just don't have money to pay for them.

So you're saying you don't want to pay for the windows?

I'm saying I can't pay for the windows.

Because honestly, when you came through this door, I sort of felt like... like a friendship brewing between us, like immediately, just the way we said hello and I gave you that little hug.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, my... my friend here will vouch for me on that.

Right, Shake?

What he's trying to say is that sometimes people come here with celebrity prices on things like windows.

And what I'm saying, you know, is that it doesn't have to be that way.

Let's put all that aside, okay?

Let's... Let's just get real for a minute, okay?

Let's pretend I'm not Andrew Dice Clay.

Who?

Andrew Dice Clay.

[Rock music plays]

Oh!

[Cheers and applause]

[Crowd chanting "Dice!"]

Top of the world, Ma.

[Chanting continues]

[Drums playing]

Babe, how's this sound?

I don't have time right now.

Do you like this dress?

Yeah, beautiful.

But do you like it better than this dress?

Babe, we're trying to do a thing here.

Stop with the drumming!

Are you f*cking kidding me right now?!

All right. I stopped.

I just came in here! I clearly have a question!

But I stopped!

You don't care at all!

I'm not doing anything!

You want to know what's bothering me?!

Am I hitting anything?!

Sorry. We were just into it.

You know what I mean? I-I care what's going on.

What's... What's the matter?

Okay, my brother's called me already five times today.

He's really upset. His wedding's falling apart.

Well, weddings can be very stressful.

The bakery got the date wrong. He doesn't have a cake.

He is so stressed, he's making me stressed.

Well, you know, honestly, he did it to himself.

How?

Well, I offered my help.

I mean, honestly, this wedding could have been one for the books, but he didn't want my help.

Are you being serious right now?

He's paying too much for the steak, too much for everything. I could have got him a free deejay.

He didn't want it.

And on top of everything, look at the sh*t linen fabric.

Oh, my God. Enough about the linen.

What do you mean enough about the linen?

It's coarse. It doesn't feel good on skin.

I mean, I could live with it, but it's nothing that...

Andrew, I don't give a sh*t about your feelings about linen, okay?

My brother wanted to plan his own wedding.

Get over it!

I mean, since when do you like weddings so much?

I thought you hated weddings.

Yeah, I hate weddings.

Marriage doesn't work. It's depressing.

If marriage doesn't work, why are you so excited about this one?

Because this is a gay marriage.

Okay, so marriage between men and women don't work?

That's right. Think of all our friends, right?

Everybody's sitting on the couch the minute they get married, eating pretzels, watching reality shows.

All of a sudden, you forget why you even got together, and all the f*cking stops.

Not with gay marriage.

They're always happy. They're always dressed to the nines.

They're in top physical condition.

They're in Palm Springs three times a year, doing push-ups and sit-ups like Navy f*cking S.E.A.L.s.

And that's why the f*cking and sucking continues.

We have sex all the time.

I know, but that's 'cause we're not married.

Dice: Why we got to be here so early?

I mean, the wedding's not until 6:00.

Well, I just want to help my brother set up, and then I want to get my hair done before the wedding.

Have you been listening to anything I've been saying all day?

Not the way you think.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you're getting your hair done.

How excited should I be?

I don't need you to be excited.

I just need you to know the schedule.

Where's the gift? Did you bring a gift?

Babe, I'm not gonna go traditional.

What should I do, buy the guy a bowl?

I'm going with cash, $1,000 in an envelope, the right way.

We can't afford that.

We can't afford not to.

It's boomerang money.

Boomerang money?

Yeah. It comes back to us.

Oh, okay. So, then, when we get married, he's gonna give us 1,000 bucks?

No. Like, uh... like, on a birthday or something.

Relax. I'm just busting your f*cking onions.

[laughing] Yeah.

Babe, I-I know you got to be here early.

I get it. But why do I got to be here?

You're here so I know you're here.

So you know I'm here?

That's why you're here.

Carmen!

Oh, FYI, uh, brother's fiancé... not a fan.

Not a fan?

Hey!

Hey, Carmen!

[laughs] Hi.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

Congratulations, yeah.

Are you guys feeling better?

Here you go.

Thanks.

Well, um, nothing has gone wrong in almost 20 minutes, so I'm feeling optimistic.

Hey, you know what?

Brides are always nervous on the day of.

It's gonna be okay.

Brides?

Well, you know, grooms. Y-y...

Yeah, it's okay.

No, no.

You... You may think it's okay, but this "bride" doesn't appreciate callous remarks like that from a man who refers to women by calling them "piglets."

Yeah, in my act, my stage performance, my comedy routine.

There's a big difference between Andrew, who's in front of you right now, and the guy onstage when I'm performing.

Oh, okay, well, if... if there is a difference, then why do you both dress in fingerless gloves?

Well, maybe we both share the same f*cking closet.

What's the bug up your ass?

What a coincidence.

Okay.

Yeah, what a coincidence.

I think... I think that everyone's on edge today.

Yeah. We're gonna go talk to the florist, okay?

Okay.

See you guys later.

Dice: Everybody's stressed out.

All right. We'll see you later.

Okay.

Yeah.

Can you believe that guy?

You still want to give him 1,000 bucks?

$1,000. We're gonna make it $2,000.

We're gonna teach them.

Okay.

I'm a good guy.

I know, honey.

Finally...

a real human being I can talk to.

Wait. Why is Milkshake here?

He's my plus-one.

You don't get a plus-one. You're my plus-one.

You really don't know how weddings work, do you?

What do you mean?

Okay, fine.

You two get the gift.

I'm gonna go get my hair done, okay?

Okay.

All right.

I'll see you later.

♪ ♪

Look at this... Vegas.

Look at the life we get to lead, huh?

What's more exciting than hanging out here?

What are you drinking?

Gravy.

Gravy?

Gravy.

Are you kidding me?

I was hungry. I was at home.

I wanted some gravy, so I-I didn't have anything to put the gravy on.

I decided I'm gonna have a la carte gravy.

Why don't you just eat horse sh*t?

It's more chewy.

I like gravy.

I, you know, people say you're not supposed to drink it.

I'm like... f*ck them, you know?

I can't live by anybody else's rules.

I'm the one who has to die when it's my turn to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.

I'm gonna drink gravy.

You want to know something?

That's why you get my respect... because you are a guy that does things the way he needs to do things with what he's got.

You're good luck, my friend.

I'm your good-luck charm.

You're my good-luck charm.

Ohh.

Oh!

Man, harsh. He spilled on me.

Uh, actually, you bumped into me.

You got a hunk of burning gravy on me.

Why you drink gravy for, anyway?

What's the difference? You spilled it on the guy.

Don't you apologize? Don't you know how to do that?

I just mean he shouldn't be drinking gravy.

He shouldn't be drinking gravy?

Enough talk. Do me a favor.

Get out of here.

All right.

Yeah, right what? Right what?

I just... I don't get the gravy. Why do you...

Get out of here.

Why are you drinking gravy anyway?

He drinks what he drinks when he wants to drink it!

Hey, forget this guy.

Forget him. It's all right.

Don't worry about it, all right?

We got a wedding to go to.

You're right.

When you're right, you're right.

f*ck that guy.

[Beep]

f*ck this.

The ATM is charging a $5 fee.

Since when?

I don't know.

I ain't paying it.

It's like I'm tipping the machine.

You know, Dice, I was really hoping we could get something to eat...

You know what, Milkshake? You're drinking gravy.

You're drinking your "something to eat."

No, don't take the fee out on me.

I'm not taking it out on you.

We don't pay that fee. We're local.

Guys like this over here, this guy...

Hey, how you doing?

Guys like that pay the fee, not us.

You understand?

Let's go take care of this sh*t.

Yeah, you're right, yeah.

When you put it that way, I get it. f*ck the fee.

Come on. Let's go see Brione.

New casino policy on all the ATMs.

I get it. You didn't know about it.

That's annoying.

Annoying?

It's out and out disrespectful.

Disrespectful?

I mean, it's... it's a new policy.

You know, it's a processing fee.

I don't know what you want me to say about it.

I want you to say, "Forget about the fee."

You know I'm supposed to be out there, running this place, right?

Except I'm in here talking to you about an ATM fee.

Running the place?

I thought you were the floor manager.

All right, all right. Relax.

Brione took his time to talk to us, and we really appreciate that.

You know, I'm... I'm saying, you know, my time is as valuable as his time.

That's all I'm saying.

Look, I think we can all agree this is a waste of all our time, right?

Yeah, look, Brione, this is the bottom line.

You don't charge Dice a $5 fee.

That's for out-of-towners.

That's for Sam and June Snapfuck from dipshit f*cking Iowa, never been off the farm their whole f*cking life.

They come to town. They walk the Strip with the giant glass with the beer, looking, "Oh, look. There's Paris.

There's New York," right?

Next thing you know, he's dipping his balls in her mouth.

She never even makes it to the head of his cock before she falls asleep, but Sam don't care.

Sam don't give a f*ck. You know why?

Because he's been married to this broken-down valise for the last 27 years, and he'd pay that $5 fee every day to get his sack wet like that.

And that's who should pay the fee.

Not Dice.

Not Dice.

Counselor...

[Dice laughs]

That's a very compelling case.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Giving you the 5 bucks so...

What, give me charity?

Give it to the out-of-towners.

Just don't charge me.

It's all connected to the banks.

I mean, you know what I mean? It's like...

Let me say this again.

I'm Dice. I'm a living f*cking legend.

Yeah, Brione. He's a living legend.

He's Dice, all right? Dice is up here.

The fee is, like, down here... way down here, with the rats.

We don't have rats in here.

Dice: You know something, Brione?

You disappoint me, 'cause we're supposed to be friends.

Let's go, Shake.

Guys, I'm sorry about this, you know?

I mean...

It's never happening.

I'm never, ever paying that fee.

You'll see.

♪ ♪

The world's changing, Dice, you know?

Vegas is changing.

It started when they put up those... those roller coasters, right?

You know, and then they invented that fantasy football bullshit, and then they started selling those oxygen sh*ts.

I don't think Sinatra back in the day was doing oxygen sh*ts, you know?

[laughs]

I'm almost glad that they blew up the Riv.

You know, they put the Riv out of its misery.

You know what?

All I know is I'm not paying that f*cking fee.

How are you gonna do that?

How am I gonna do that?

What, are you kidding me? It's easy.

You know, take a little markup, play a little blackjack, win the 2 grand, cash out, boom, casino pays the $5 fee, not Dice.

All right, you sure we got time for this?

What time's the wedding?

6:00.

But I ain't gonna lose.

We're talking about 2 grand here.

You understand?

When I play cards, it's like a f*cking art form.

People say split 8s. I say, "f*ck you.

Not if my gut don't feel it."

You got a g*dd*mn beautiful way of playing.

Thank you, my friend.

All right. Here we go, here we go.

Let's do it.

♪ ♪

[Sighs] f*ck.

I don't know what's going on here.

Maybe we should call it quits.

I can't quit. I'm down.

You're down $100,000.

Like I don't f*cking know that.

Something's off.

Why am I getting f*cked so hard right now?

Maybe it's... Maybe... Maybe I let you down.

Maybe I'm not your good-luck charm after all.

I don't know.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not you. We're buddies.

It's something else. I can feel it.

It's him, it's him... the f*cking Elvis.

[Sighs]

Excuse me, buddy?

Hey, you again. Shouldn't you be looking for some mashed potatoes?

[Chuckles]

Yeah.

Listen, uh, you got to do me a little favor.

You got to, uh, take your business across the street.

What are you talking about? I'm playing.

This is gonna sound a little crazy, but, um, you're just bad luck in a jumpsuit.

I need you to leave.

You're crazy. You know that?

Crazy. I've lost $100,000.

There is no other explanation.

It's you.

100 grand? [laughs]

Maybe you're the one who should leave.

All right, look, look. Listen to me, listen to me.

You need to leave this establishment now.

Fine. Fine.

You know, but, uh, for the record, you're out of your mind. You really are.

I'm out of my mind?

I'm nuts, right? I'm nuts.

You're the one in a jumpsuit, but I'm the crazy one.

♪ ♪

Brione, I got to talk to you.

[Sighs]

You're gonna have to give me another marker.

I gave you one for 100k.

I know it, you d...

Number one, this is your fault.

Do you understand? This is your fault.

If you would have waived that fee, there wouldn't be a problem.

This is your fault.

My fault? What?

Listen, Dice, listen to Milkshake, okay?

Go to the wedding. It's in less than an hour.

Listen to me.

Elvis is gone, okay?

The bad luck is gone.

I'm gonna win the money in a minute.

You know the rules.

Please don't put me in this position.

Put you in that position?

Yeah!

One minute, you're my friend.

The next minute, f*ck you?

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go home now, I'm gonna get my personal checkbook, I'm gonna write you a check for $100,000, put it in your hand.

And you know how you're gonna feel?

How?

You're gonna feel just like a real, like, stupid idiot.

Like a stupid idiot?

Yeah, that's right.

I already feel like a stupid idiot.

You know why you're an idiot?

Why?

Who gives me $100,000? This is your fault.

What?

Milkshake, let's go.

I don't even...

Come on.

I am so f*cked!

Where are we going?

Across the street.

You want to keep gambling?

You're down 100 grand.

Shake, just come on, please!

♪ ♪

[Horn honking]

Oh, f*ck.

Shh!

Come on!

[Groans]

[Horn honks]

m*therf*cker.

All right, now, when we get in there, you've got to steal Eddie's phone.

You understand?

The floor manager?

Yeah, the floor manager, because Brione's gonna call me, cut me off.

But we got to get in there, get him to stake me so we can climb out of this f*cking hole.

This way. Come on.

All right, you got it.

Hey, Eddie. How are you?

Hey. There he is.

How's it going? How you doing?

Milkshake, how are you, buddy?

Good to see you.

So, uh, you got a show later?

Uh, not tonight.

My girl's brother's getting married.

Thought I'd come over, play some cards.

I thought you usually play across the street.

Yeah, well, uh, we do, but Shake says the girls are better-looking over here.

[laughs] Yeah, I wish.

[laughs] So, uh, you need a marker?

Uh, yeah.

Let's not go crazy. Uh, give me 25k.

25?

I guess you got a lot of time to k*ll before that wedding, huh?

You let me worry about that.

You got it. Go ahead, hook him up.

$25,000.

Hey, Eddie, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, yeah. Sure.

Uh...

♪ ♪

Dealer has 20.

Everything's taken care of.

How's it going?

Not good. I'm down nearly $25,000.

$25,000?

You only been playing two minutes.

You know what it is? I'm still off.

I can't figure this sh*t out.

What the f*ck is this?

Oh, wait. I know... I know what's wrong.

What do you mean you know what's wrong?

[Sighs]

Again?!

Out of here.

Walk across the street.

No way. You told me to walk across the street already, and I did. I'm staying!

Get up, take your chips, your rhinestones, and your f*cking pompadour, and get the f*ck...

I'll get them for you. Don't worry about it.

Get the f*ck out of here.

f*cking harass me now, huh?

You bad luck-bringing jackass!

You're lucky I got to go to work.

You need help!

All right. Okay, let's get into it.

I can focus now.

Come on.

Oh, f*ck.

f*ck. Wait a minute.

Really, really?

This is what's happening right now?

What the hell are you doing?

Well, uh...

You know what?

Don't even say it.

I don't care what the f*ck is happening.

I can tell it's bad from the way you're sweating through your velvet.

Everything's fine.

You know what?

I don't care if you're down $100,000 right now.

$100,000? That's crazy.

We're having a little fun.

I got news for you, Andrew.

My brother is getting married across the street in 20 minutes... my only brother.

I know.

And he's already convinced the whole thing's a disaster.

He thinks this wedding's been cursed.

And I'm telling you, if you make it any more of a mess than it already is, if you are not by my side with a gift at the wedding in 20 minutes, you and I... we're done.

I mean it.

I'll be there!

You're a degenerate.

You too, Milkshake, you m*therf*cker.

20 minutes.

20 minutes.

God. She's... She's right.

We're... We're degenerates.

Well, we got 20 minutes.

That's not a lot of time.

Well, you are the master of the f*cking obvious.

Another $25,000 going out.

Good luck.

You know what, Shake?

Sometimes you got to take your balls out, put them on the butcher block, or else what's the f*cking point?

Let's play.

♪ ♪

Nice. Good.

Pay me. Pay me.

♪ ♪

Let it all go. Come on.

[Speaks indistinctly]

Let it ride.

Yes!

God damn.

Yes! Milkshake, you m*therf*cker!

Get the f*ck over here.

Look at you, man. You're back.

♪ ♪

$50,000 going out.

All right, Shake. You want to talk about balls?

You always tell me what big balls I got.

All right?

All right, everybody, let's do this.

$100,000 on one hand?

$100,000 for... what do you mean no?

That's a lot of money for one hand, Dice.

I mean, you're kind of over the limit.

You're gonna take this f*cking bet.

You like to take the chips away quick enough, but you don't like to pay it out?

Take the f*cking bet. Deal the cards.

All right. Come on.

♪ ♪

All right, all right.

Give me a hit.

I'm good.

[clears throat]

Yes! Yes, yes!

I told you, you m*therf*cker!

You m*therf*cker!

[crowd chanting "Dice!"]

$203,000, sir.

All right, listen to me.

Take your $100,000 marker, make a $100,000 check out to the Tangiers, and give me $2,000 in the fanciest envelope you got in this hotel, okay?

Milkshake, no $5 fee.

No $5.

Come on.

Come on, come on!

[Horn honks]

♪ ♪

Oh!

[Sighs]

See? I made it.

Barely.

Yeah.

Okay, you got to move over. I got my plus-one.

You're my plus-one.

Take this, take this.

[Sighs] Why is this sweaty?

[Stammers] Moisturizer.

Would you hold my gloves?

Yes.

[Organ plays]

You're here.

Yeah, I'm here.

Of course I'm here.

[Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" plays]

[laughs]

Friends, we are gathered here today to share this momentous event, 'cause Brandon here couldn't help falling in love with David.

You're gonna love him tender.

No, no, no.

Andrew, shut up.

This is no good.

Quiet!

Now, if you two lovely gentlemen join hands, look in each other's eyes.

S-Stop this wedding!

Just stop!

Stop, stop. Time-out.

Andrew!

What are you doing? Sit down!

Time-out!

What the hell is going on?

Time-out. I know what I'm talking about.

Again?

Get out of here, Dice!

No, I can't get out of here.

I'm trying to help you guys, okay?

This is a bad-luck Elvis wearing sneakers.

I-I'm wearing Skechers.

Skechers?

No, no, no, I got... okay, I got patellar tendonitis.

It's not a big deal.

I'm telling you something.

You really want to get gay-married from an Elvis that's wearing Skechers?

It's not gay-married. It's just married.

Whatever!

I think Dice might have a point.

Maybe this guy is bad luck.

Oh, God. Come on!

I mean, we hired him three weeks ago.

That's when all the bad stuff started happening.

Let me handle it. Let me handle this.

What I do? You, come here, come here.

Come on, come on, come on.

The minute I saw you, I knew.

Get your f*cking paws off me!

You know what? You... You people are just taking all your bad sh*t, and you're dumping it on me!

You know what? You're bad luck, Elvis!

Just go across the street.

I suppose your sh*t career is my fault, too, huh?

Oh, really? Come here? You want to talk about that?

You know what? You know what? Till next time.

Yeah, next time, you see me, then you see the floor.

Go f*ck yourself!

♪ ♪

Brione, Brione, it's an emergency.

You got to get me another Elvis.

What?

Just get me an Elvis.

All right.

Welcome, friends and family of these two fabulous grooms, David and Brandon.

I can't believe you run an entire casino and you couldn't get me another Elvis.

You gave me six minutes to produce someone to officiate a wedding. You get who you get.

Besides, Jimmy's a great Liza.

To go on that journey together.

Yeah, amazing.

I mean, come on.

Two guys getting gay-married by Liza Minnelli?

It's perfect.

It's not gay-married. It's just married.

Sorry.

fabulous grooms. Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to present to you David and Brandon, husband and husband! [laughs]

[Cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

[Microphone feedback]

Uh, excuse me, everybody, if we could have a moment of your time.

Uh, David and I would just like to take a moment to say thank you to everybody for coming, and we especially want to thank my sister's boyfriend, Andrew, for ridding our wedding of all its bad luck.

Thank you so much.

[applause]

See? That is...

You did it.

I-I think they want me to say something.

No, I don't think so.

Babe, I give speeches for a living.

But they're giving a speech.

I go all over the world.

This... This isn't a show.

Babe, they're waiting for me.

No one's waiting for...

No, I got this.

- I got this, I got this.

Andrew.

Sit down, sit down.

Come here. Let me say something.

Let me... I-I-I just need to say this, because this was just an incredible, wonderful day, a day that started out as a disaster, a day where there was more bad luck at a wedding than I've ever seen.

Well done.

You guys persevered, and now you're married.

How does that feel, Brandon? You're married.

You found the one cock in this world that you want to suck for the rest of your life, the cock you love, the cock you can hang out with, go shopping with, walk the dog with, the one cock that... that makes you feel like you want to reach the goals in life that you want to reach.

That's the cock you found.

Now, I-I know maybe you guys have some kind of arrangement, you know, like a lot of my gay friends do. And if... if that's the situation, well, you know, good for you.

But his is your number-one cock.

This is your husband's cock.

You know, Shakespeare once said, "A horse, a horse.

My kingdom for a horse."

They say that's the most beautiful phrase in the English language.

But I say, "A cock, a cock.

My kingdom for a cock" is the most beautiful phrase in the English language.

So I say to you, Brandon, David, I wish you all the health, the happiness.

And mazel tov!

Mazel tov.

Mazel tov.

[Brandon laughs]

Can I get a gin and tonic from somebody?

[Cheers and applause]

♪ And the b*at won't stop ♪

Hey, you guys having fun?

Oh, it's such a beautiful wedding.

Are you kidding?

Oh, thank you.

Congratulations, really, really.

Thanks.

Congratulations.

And look, I got a little something for you... we do.

Oh.

There you go.

Thanks for that. Thank you, both.

No problem.

And thank you for everything, Dice.

No, you know what it is?

I felt you guys really wanted me to say a little something, you know?

No.

No, not at all.

She told me. It's all right.

David: Hey, listen, Dice, um,

I think I was a little hard on you because of your act.

You know what? Forget it.

Didn't you see me on "The View," where Barbara Walters hugged me?

She knows I'm misunderstood.

I mean, I love those broads.

Forget all that. It's a wedding.

What are we doing? Group hug. Get over here.

[laughs]

Come on, come on. Let's dance.

What are we doing?

[laughing]

♪ And the b*at won't stop ♪
♪ ♪

Dice: That was so much fun.

Get in the car. Come on.

Stop playing around. Here you go, buddy.

Thanks a lot.

Thanks.

Thank you. You have good night.

Dice, I-I should let you know, it's, uh... it's another $5 to park valet now.

But, uh, I'll take it out of this.

It's okay.

No, no, no, no.

Don't insult me by saying you're gonna take it out.

When did they start this?

Eh, last month.

Private events... they... they charge for valet now.

Do you believe that? They want to charge a fee?

Really, it's okay. It's no problem.

No, it's the principle of the whole thing.

No, I have $5 in my purse. It's fine.

No, no, no, no. No, babe, it's the principle.

I will be right back. I'll handle this.

No, Andrew! Okay, can you just re-park the car, please?

Sure.

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