01x09 - How to Survive Working with Friends

[bunniefuu]

Finding a job where you get to work side by side with your friends can be the best.

(grunts)

It can also be the worst.

I came in with two friends!

(grunting)

(grunting)

Thank you!

My name is Cooper Barrett. My friends and I are here to mess up our lives so you don't have to.

Yeah!

Yeah!

To our success.

Mm.

Ah.

Hey.

Hey, how'd you know I was here?

What are you talking about? You're always here.

What's the occasion?

Oh, uh, their hangover cure was just named "Best New Specialty Beverage" by BevWeekly.com.

Because of us, everyone from your casual Chardonnay sipper to your hardened alcoholic is waking up to a better American morning.

This is how Dr. Penicillin must have felt when he created the what-cha-ma-call-it.

There are so many things wrong with that statement.

Who are you looking for?

I was hoping my girl Kelly would be here so we could hang out, 'cause, you know, we have a thing.

Oh, like a Patty from college thing?

No, there can never be another Patty.

That thing was like a powder keg.

Kelly and I are just, you know, we're besties.

Hi.

Who's that?

I would like to introduce you all to my new girlfriend, Ramona.

(with Southern accent): Howdy, y'all. Nice to meet you.

Let me guess. Texas?

No, but Kelly bet me ten bucks I couldn't do the accent.

(laughter)

She can.

(with British accent): I'm actually from London.

Oh, really?

Nope. Orange County.

(laughing)

You owe me another ten.

Oh, God, you're so good at accents!

(laughter)

What the hell is going on?

Nice to meet you. I'm, uh, Cooper Barrett.

Ramona.

Kelly: Cooper?

Yeah.

Can I talk with you for a sec?

Sure. Sorry.

Knock it off.

What did I do?

You just used your "I want to sleep with you" voice.

"Hi. I'm Cooper Barrett."

I sound like Optimus Prime?

You are not to sleep with her.

What? 'Cause of... 'cause of this.

This? There's no this.

So I can sleep with her.

No! Listen.

Solid girlfriends do not come easy to me, and I don't want you and your penis messing it up.

Okay, first of all, she hasn't even expressed any interest.

And second, if she did, and I went through with it, I hope you know I respect you enough to never tell you about it.

Fine, I won't sleep with her.

Thank you.

Hi. I'm Cooper Barrett.

Hi. I'm Cooper Barrett.

Hi. I'm Cooper Barrett.

Hi.

There it is.

♪ ♪

Pretty great, right?

Can't buy publicity like that. Free sample.

Oh, thanks. This makes it seem like you run the company by yourself.

Yeah, you don't even mention us one time in this whole thing. It's called "Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure," not Cooper's.

Your grandma hasn't been hungover a day in her life!

Come on, guys, let's focus on the big picture, all right?

That company, HangEnder, won this award three years in a row, and we just b*at them. It's not about individual credit.

Plus, I would have sung your praises if I was given the opportunity.

"When asked how he was able to accomplish so much, he credited the inspiration of Steve Jobs and a good night's sleep."

Yeah, you're right. That was my window, I blew it.

I'm sorry. I...

"And later, he wished to thank his two best friends: hard work and determination."

Oh, guys, I messed up.

But it was a phone interview. I mean, you guys know I value you and your ideas.

Well, I'm happy to hear you say that, because I actually have a couple ideas about promotion and social...

Yeah, hold that thought. Get your free sample.

Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure?

Yeah.

I've heard that stuff's made in an apartment, and you can taste pig feces.

What? Where'd you hear that?

"Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure is made in an apartment with pig feces."

Cooper: That's simply untrue.

I mean, he hasn't had an accident in weeks.

(snorting)

I mean, if they would have said pig urine...

There's comments from this CooperSucks person all over the net.

Obviously, the person who's posting this has inside information, so they can do serious damage to our business, if they haven't already.

Okay, so how do we find out who this CooperSucks69 is?

I'm one step ahead of you, sir.

I've traced the IP address, and it looks like it's someone... in our apartment building.

What do you want?

Hey, Virgil. Uh... someone's been trolling Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure online.

Uh, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

What is... trolling?

Uh, it means people are making fun of us on the Internet.

Ooh. Which site do I do that?

We're not telling you to do that.

Oh, I'll find out.

I have so many "Barry's Grandma's so fat" jokes.

(laughing)

What?!

Do you really think Mrs. Billingsly is our troll?

She's, like, 90 years old.

Well, we have to cross everyone in the building off our list.

You know what? I haven't seen her in a few weeks.

Come to think of it, neither have I.

Well, at least she led a good life.

(garbled radio transmission)

Actually, I think she collaborated in the Armenian genocide.

But still, neat lady.

I don't get it. We've checked every apartment.

Well, not every apartment.

I can't believe it.

I never would've suspected it.

What are you guys doing in my apartment?

Welcome home... Kelly.

Or should we say, CooperSucks69?

Wait. Were the first 68 CooperSucks already taken?

This is impossible.

Had anyone else in your apartment recently?

Any male visitors, perhaps?

Barry: Or poltergeists?

I seen this episode of Ghost Hunters where this one ghost went into this one dude's account and messed up his credit. Spooky.

No guys or ghosts have been in my apartment.

I'm the only one who uses this computer.

Oh, and Ramona.

Wait, wait, wait, hold up. Say Ramona's last name is Miller.

Right?

You're already forgetting her name.

You slept with her, didn't you?!

You said she was a trainer?

Yeah. So?

Because Ramona Miller is not a personal trainer.

She is the President and CEO of HangEnder, our main competitor.

Kelly: What?

Neal: She clearly saw us as a thr*at, posed to be your friend, just to get info about us to try to take us down!

To think, I almost slept with her.

Come to think of it, she was asking a lot of questions about your company.

Why the hell you tell her about our pig feces?

Why are you living in an apartment with pig feces?

It's stinking up the entire building.

I think that smell was Mrs. Billingsly.

What happened to Mrs. Billingsly?

Honey, I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God!

I lose two of my best girlfriends in one day?

I'm gonna punch Ramona in her lying, flawless face!

Best plan is to get even.

I have an idea how to do that.

So do I, so what we do is...

(Neal groans)

We all listen to Neal because I value his ideas.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Thanks, Coop. Okay, Kelly, first, you're gonna take Ramona out to brunch.

Cooper: But don't let on that you know who she really is.

Sorry. You're doing great.

NEAL: Just pretend like it's a normal brunch.

Kelly: And then I punch her in the face.

Neal: No. You make witty conversation.

So, tell me about all that personal training that you definitely do for a living.

Oh, you know, lots of burpees, that sort of thing.

Oh. (laughs)

Will you excuse me? I have to go to the bathroom really quick.

NEAL: And then when she's not paying attention, you take her computer and pass it off to Barry in disguise.

Fake mustache and tuxedo?

No!

Cooper, be supportive. Yes, Barry, like that, but, you know, something better.

Got it.

NEAL: Barry, you'll go to the kitchen where you'll find me and Cooper waiting.

What is he doing here?

I'm meeting Leslie next door for lunch.

I heard you guys were hiding in the kitchen.

By the way, it's me, Barry.

I know.

You look like Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Interesting.

Just like the Milky Way.

Cooper: Come on, Neal.

Hurry up! Got to get it before she gets back from the restroom.

She should really update this thing.

I mean, OS 7? Total noob.

Neal!

Got the data. All right. Out.

NEAL: All we have to do is return it before Ramona gets back.

Unless Josh's wife comes by, notices Kelly, and ruins the entire plan.

Welcome to my life.

Kelly!

Leslie!

I thought I saw you. Hey.

You know what? I'm glad I'm running into you, because I feel like we need to reconnect.

Why is...? What-what is she doing here?

Leslie, you remember Ramona, right?

Ramona: Hi. You didn't answer my question.

Please go do something.

I mean, I'm...

I'm gonna meet my husband.

We're gonna go have brunch next door.

Go.

Socially, you know, I'm pretty covered.

Hey, babe!

Oh. Hi.

What are you doing here? I was just walking by, saw you ladies chatting it up.

Uh, look at that. Shoelace is untied.

Dangerous. There it is.

Yeah.

Leslie: So you guys, like, hang out all the time?

Nope, wasn't untied.

It was actually tied the whole time.

Thank God.

We should go. We got a res.

Right, yeah.

Bouncedy-bounce.

Yeah, okay, bye. Just so you know, 37 followers on Instagram, so, you know, super popular.

She doesn't care.

Okay.

NEAL: And once we successfully put it back in Ramona's bag...

Bye!

...go through her data, cancel her orders, and later, Cooper will call to contact her clients.

Well, I am sorry to hear that they canceled, but we have a vehicle in your area which can get our product to you within the hour.

(laughs)

All right, thanks so much. Bye-bye.

Oh, yeah.

Mm. Can you believe it?

Your plan worked.

Yeah, Cooper, I can believe it.

(like deGrasse Tyson): Can you believe that our nearest star, Alpha Centauri, is only four light years away?

Can I just say, I am really enjoying your Neil deGrasse Tyson.

It is fun and informative.

You know what else is fun? The Milky Way.

(laughs)

No, you already used that one.

Pluto is one-third water.

There he is!

(crowd chatter)

This fancy hotel looks a lot like a biker bar.

It's like an episode of Sons of Anarchy that doesn't end well.

Barry: I'm pretty sure there is no episodes of Sons of Anarchy that ends well.

I'm telling you, this is the address listed on Ramona's work order.

(phone ringing)

This is Cooper.

Hey, Cooper. This is Ramona Miller.

I'm actually...

Cooper: The President and CEO of HangEnder. I know exactly who...

Who I am?

I know that you know, but here's something you don't know.

That order you took from me was a fake.

(scoffs) What order?

Moron, give it up. I've been one step ahead of you this whole time.

You may be easy on the eyes, but that doesn't mean that you know how to run a business.

First rule is, don't ever work with your friends.

Second rule is shut up.

You're obviously flailing here.

Let me put you out of your misery and buy your company from you.

You didn't listen to the second rule.

(dial tone)

Hmm.

We've been set up.

Let's get out of here before we get ourselves k*lled.

Yep.

(shoes squeak)

That was a close one. (chuckles)

(chuckles, gasps)

(gasping)

Okay. Hi. There's so many of you. Okay.

Hi, guys. Hi.

Uh, okay.

Hey, guys.

(gasping)

What are you doing?

They gonna k*ll us anyway.

(grunts, groans)

(shouting)

(groaning)

(shouts, grunts)

He's not with us!

Sorry!

My mustache fell off when they threw me through that window.

Mercury has...

Damn!

All my space facts are gone, Neal!

Okay. Tell me everything.

Did you rub it in Ramona's face yet?

Uh, things didn't exactly work out.

Ramona tricked us into going to a biker bar, and...

Come on, Cooper. Tell everybody what you're really thinking.

What am I really thinking?

"Uh, the reason I don't listen to your ideas, Neal, is because the one time that I do, we get outsmarted by a rival and thrown through a window. Maybe, Neal, instead of complaining that you don't get enough credit, you should acknowledge that I'm the brains of the operation. Just sit your nerdy face down in front of a computer!"

Easy, Cooper.

"And you, you big bastard, get your ass back in the kitchen and handle the product!"

You know what, Cooper, you've gone too far! I'm out!

I hope you're happy.

I didn't even say anything.

Okay, I don't even know who's yelling at who here, but we need to focus on Ramona.

So there's no truth to what I said?

Well, it was your plan. But...

Oh, my God.

Some words you can't take back, Cooper!

You have to go after Neal. Don't you see?

Dividing you guys like this, this is exactly Ramona's plan.

Okay. I think you're giving her a little too much credit.

Hey, Neal.

Oh, my God.

I heard you're unhappy with Cooper.

Mm. Yeah, it's not going well.

You should've heard the things he said to me.

You know that I think you're incredibly impressive and that I value what you do.

Thank you.

What is it that I do?

The viral marketing. Your Web site.

The entire database you set up was brilliant.

Your idea for Pajama Tuesdays.

Full disclosure, I just didn't feel like wearing clothes that day.

We could really use your skills at HangEnder. And... this would be your starting salary.

I'm sorry, is this some sort of joke?

I mean, Cooper and I are best friends.

I'm not gonna let one little petty f...

(phone rings)

This is HangEnder.

You've reached Neal Fissley's office.

Oh, Louise?

Can you confirm my massage will be on a table and not one of those airport chairs?

And, uh, I'm out of lollipops, so... thank you.

I can't let her get away with taking Neal.

I'll help you get her back, but it could get ugly.

(a la Sean Connery): She pulls a Kn*fe, you pull a g*n.

She puts one of yours in the hospital, you put one of hers in the morgue.

Oh, I've been dying to use that line from The Untouchables since '87. May not have been worth it.

It's not about revenge, okay? It's about business.

And if I want to succeed, I got to b*at Ramona at her own game.

(a la Sean Connery): Well, what are you prepared to do, Cooper?

That's not helpful.

Welcome to the Rock.

Hello, Ramona.

Hey, Cooper.

If you're looking for a job, I'm afraid Neal's already hired an assistant.

That's not why I'm here.

Oh, good, because the girl who got the job is way more qualified than you.

If you're done, I have a little proposal for you: you give me Neal back, and I'll forgive the att*ck on my company and I promise I won't destroy you.

Counterproposal: I keep Neal, bankrupt your company, and you come back to my place and we get rid of the sexual tension between us.

Interesting idea.

Let me consider/fantasize about that for a second.

(clears throat)

Not gonna lie, that was amazing.

But I still have to reject your offer.

That's too bad. I have lots of mirrors, and I had a terrible childhood.

Listen, Ramona, you have no idea what you're up against.

I think I have a pretty good idea.

You may have Neal, but I have a better product.

And I still have Barry Sandel.

♪ ♪

(brakes squeak)

Hi, Barry. I wanted to discuss...

Look, I know why you're here and I'm not interested.

But if you could just hear me out for one second, I think...

It's my grandmother's sweat and tears in this cure, okay?

Literally. That's the two main ingredients.

Look, I know Cooper likes to hog all the credit and he called me a big bastard, but at the end of the day, we are still friends.

Our break room has a milkshake machine.

(phone rings)

This is HangEnder. Barry Sandel's office.

(laughs) HangEnder rules!

Totally.

Louise!

Why am I seeing the bottom of my lollipop jar?

Thank you.

Cooper: All right, Josh, let's get ugly.

Coyote ugly.

It was on after The Untouchables.

Weird double feature.

Starz is the best.

All right, let's go.

Yeah.

It's not gonna work.

We should've gone with my plan.

Oh, yeah. Three stink bombs and a "Ramona Sucks!" banner.

You know what, we'll do that right after we TP her house and leave a bag of poo on the front step.

I love that. One tweak: fire.

What's going on?

Just whipping up tons of the cure for Bev Con.

It's a beverage conference.

We already have a better product and if we can outsell Ramona at Bev Con, her company will be destroyed and our company's rise will be documented in the next little-seen Aaron Sorkin film.

"Our company"? You're the only one left in your company.

Okay, I don't need those guys. I was doing everything anyway.

I can't read Barry's writing.

Does this say "cinnamon" or "cyanide"?

You should probably just assume cinnamon.

Oh, oh, oh. Check it out.

♪ Dun, dun, dun ♪

Jelly beans.

Oh.

What's in this one?

Gummy worms!

Josh, can we just focus? I need you to... chop up 400 onions and then, uh, throw half of them away.

What?

It's Barry's process, so...

Cooper, the reason you got into this company is so you could build something great with your friends.

Maybe you should go and apologize.

It's too late.

They made their choice.

I came here because Cooper is too stubborn...

What?!

(shouts): I came here because Cooper is too stubborn to tell you how much he needs you guys.

And you need him.

I don't need anything except for my milkshakes delivered freezing cold!

I'm talking 32 degrees Fahrenheit, Scottie, okay?

That's Fahrenheit!

Son of a bitch.

Guys, Ramona doesn't value your ideas.

She just brought you here to undermine Cooper.

I went and looked at your offices... you don't even have computers!

Yeah, 'cause our assistants take dictation... of our lunch orders and our dreams and cool inventions that we have.

Hey, Kelly. Nice to see you.

Oh... (mimicking)

That's the spirit.

Ramona, Kelly seems to you think that we're just pawns and that you actually don't value our ideas.

That's ridiculous.

Okay, name one of them.

Um...

Like the commercial we did about the girls in bikinis talking to girls in bikinis. Bikini-bikini.

No. That's terrible.

I worked two days on that.

That was cream of the crop.

Okay, fine, you're pawns.

But you're well-paid pawns with offices and assistants.

Kelly.

(mimicking)

Due to recent events, this milkshake has become less delicious.

It's still a free milkshake.

That's true.

You guys are worse than Cooper.

What?!

And he's the worst.

Huh?!

Huh?!

♪ ♪

Neal: Cures your hangover.

Barry: Yes, HangEnder ends the hang in the hangover, in the hangover.

HangEnder! HangEnder!

Hey, guys.

You're doing great. Just stay in Cooper's eyeline and remember...

Both: Don't talk to anybody.

Don't touch anything.

Perfect.

Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure is made from an age-old recipe.

Comes straight from a real grandmother who used to get hungover quite a bit, so...

Okay, just, uh...

(people exclaim)

So how many cases do you guys want?

Uh...

Guys, I'm really going to need you to step it up.

We're working for free.

And I'm drunk from the hard lemonade booth.

Would you like brochures?

(speaks indistinctly)

You were right.

I'll be right back.

Hey, guys. Just, uh, wanted to say that I should've given you guys more credit for everything you did for the company and I'm really glad you guys landed somewhere great.

Cooper, we're kind of busy right now.

Okay, understood. Just... just as long as we...

Call Scottie and set up an appointment.

(quietly): Okay.

Ramona: Everyone. (clears throat)

Welcome, everyone.

As you all know, hangover cures are becoming a billion dollar industry, and we've got the best one in the business.

My wonderful team has worked tirelessly to bring you this incredible video that will introduce you to our brand.

Cooper: A video?

Oh, come on.

♪ ♪

Announcer: HangEnder was founded by President and CEO Ramona Miller in 2011 after a bachelorette party gone wrong in Las Vegas.

Oh, yeah, they're happy.

She looks good.

HangEnder is made from only the freshest and natural ingredients.

Fresh berries, figs, pubic hair, filth from humans and pig's poop.

(people exclaiming, groaning)

Ramona: What? Wait.

What's going on?

Ew!

Ramona Miller does not care about black people.

Ramona: No! I love black people.

What?

Oh, that's not okay.

Turn it off. Turn it off!

Neal: And...

(both yell)

Hangover Cures for life.

(whoops)

Move out of the way!

Barry: Get out of here.

It's the best.

That's right.

Who came up with that?

What are you talking about? We did.

Of course you did.

That was a great idea, man.

That was amazing.

All right, let's get back to work. Let's get back to work.

All right. Let's go.

Kelly: Yay!

Oh, hi. Come on, come on, come on.

Gather round, gather round.

This has no pubic hair in it.

No poo.

(overlapping chatter)

Hey, guys.

I just wanted you to meet my new best girlfriend, Renee.

My name is Shawna.

We have tons in common and we're pretty much inseparable besties.

Uh, you must be Josh.

Leslie: No. No that one. Kelly.

Did you meet Renee? Look at her.

You're so lucky. Ramona turned out to be, like, a ruthless shark, but she got hers.

So you and Ramona aren't friends anymore?

You're free to hang out?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, cool.

Renee, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

It's Shawna. Why are you still here?

Girls can be so clingy.

(laughs)

So, working with friends...

It can be hard but it can be done.

All you have to do is admit when you're wrong and more importantly than anything, admit when they're right.

And don't let your pig bathe in your hangover cure.

And maybe don't own a pig.

Ramona.

Are you, uh, here to apply for the bartender position?

No, I came to congratulate you guys on Bev Con and to ask how you'd feel about joining forces.

Absolutely not.

What?

She's crazy.

Welcome to the Rock.

The bottom line is you guys have the better product but you don't have the resources to get it out there.

I do and I think together we'd be unstoppable.

What do you say?

I don't know.

I have to ask my partners.

So don't be afraid to team up with the people you love the most, because when it comes to work, it's always wise to keep your friends close...

Let's do it.

Good call.

...and your enemies closer.