06x13 - Wag the Hog

[bunniefuu]

Linda: Who wants Mommy's Famous Pancakes with a chocolate chip happy face on 'em?

I don't get why they're so happy.

They're about to be eaten. And then worse.

I kind of want to slap the smile off him.

Aw. When you guys were little, you loved Mr. Flapjack.

Now you're just a bunch of pancake poopers.

(phone buzzes)

Dad, get it! It could be the president of breakfast calling to congratulate us.

Hello?

Bob, it's me, Critter.

Oh, hey, Critter. Hey, Critter! Hi, Critter.

Hey! Hi, Critter!

So, how are you?

Oh, can't complain, except for the fact that I'm in jail.

You're in jail?

Critter got pinched.

What happened?

Uh, it's silly, really.

I got stopped for a broken taillight, and it turns out I owed $9,000 in unpaid parking tickets.

Wow, that's a lot of unpaid parking tickets.

Bob, I'm in an outlaw motorcycle club.

We don't pay parking tickets.

In fact, we make kind of a whole big thing about throwing 'em out.

♪ ♪

(whooping)

Yeah! Yeah! Mmm!

But I got to pay off this fine and get out of jail.

That's where you come in.

W-Wait, wait. You want me to help you get out of jail?

Jailbreak!

Tell him we're in.

I'll put on a dress and distract the guard!

Yoo-hoo!

Just practicing.

Listen, Bob, I need you to sell my bike for me so I can pay off this fine and get out of here.

Can't you call Mudflap?

No, Mudflap's on a wilderness retreat called "Women of the Wild."

They teach you how to survive in the woods... which dirt's edible, how to confuse a bear, stuff like that.

Oh. Who's watching your baby?

Sidecar's with the sitter.

Look, I got a buyer lined up.

He'll give you ten grand for it. That'll cover my fine.

Oh, I-I can't really help you sell a motorcycle that's probably... stolen, I'm assuming.

Gene: Narc!

Bob, the bike's not stolen.

It's made from stolen parts.

Once you put them all together, it's a brand-new bike. Hmm.

Here's what you got to do.

Go to my apartment, get my bike, go to the buyer.

Another outlaw biker guy?

No, no, no, no, an investment banker guy named Kenny.

He's super straight-laced, kind of a big nerd, but he thinks this biker stuff will make him cool.

So when you drop off the bike, make him feel cool.

He'll give you the money, you pay my fine, I get out of jail, we high five.

Critter, I really wish we could help, but... (phone beeping)

Bob, my phone time's up. I need a yes or no answer here.

No? Damn it! I don't know why I gave you that option.

Louise: So, let me get this straight.

Critter asked you for help, and you told him to rot in jail?

Louise, that's not what happened... exactly.

I just hope when we call you from jail, you'll help us out.

Yeah. Of course we will!

And bring us a cake with a smaller cake smuggled inside it!

So, we could stay here at our boring restaurant all day, or we could help an outlaw biker sell his motorcycle.

This is a no-brainer!

No.

Come on!

We never do fun activities together!

This family is falling apart!

We're all just strangers under the same roof.

Guys, selling a probably stolen bike isn't a fun family activity.

Going to the zoo is a fun family activity.

Aw, I love the zoo.

So many animals.

Yeah, yeah.

(phone buzzing)

I don't know this number.

That's exciting.

Hello?

Bob, it's me again. I'm talking on a butt phone.

What's a butt phone?

Well, it's a cell phone somebody smuggled in here in an orifice of his body.

Oh, okay.

Come on, I'm desperate here.

You're the only one I can ask for help.

Why don't you just ask the One Eyed Snakes?

The biker g*ng that you're the leader of?

(muffled): I'm kind of on a break from the One Eyed Snakes.

What? I can't understand you.

(muffled): I'm on a break from the One Eyed Snakes.

I still can't make out what you're saying.

I'm on a break from the One Eyed Snakes!

Man: Hey.

Oh. Really? You left the One Eyed Snakes? What?!

Great. Now everybody in jail knows.

I'm probably gonna get picked last for riots and stuff like that.

What-what happened?

I'm a dad now.

I-I can't go out till 6:00 in the morning and then get up at 6:00 in the morning.

I get it. Everything changes when you have kids.

I heard your penis gets stretched out, and it's never the same. Gene.

Also, I got a straight job at What the Tech.

It's an electronic superstore.

Critter, that's great!

I know, I know, right thing, blah, blah, blah.

But here's why I got to get out of jail ASAP.

I start today at 4:00.

If I don't show up, I don't have a job.

And if I don't have a job, I can't provide for my family.

But I guess I could always go back to robbing.

Oh, come on, Critter.

Looting.

Critter. Coming up with more and more interesting ways to sell crystal methamphetamine.

Critter.

But maybe you can live with that; maybe I had you wrong.

(sighs) Okay, fine, I'll help you.

Oh, thank you, Bob! I'm eternally grateful!

See you soon.

Love you.

Bye. Love you, too.

What happened? You love him?

Oh, I guess I'm gonna help Critter sell his bike.

All: Yay!

Lin, will you and the kids watch the restaurant?

I'm gonna go to Critter's.

All: No!

I know you guys want to go, but Lin, someone has to watch the restaurant.

I want to see the baby.

Come on, Dad. It's either this or the zoo.

And nobody wants to go to the zoo except Mom.

I love the zoo.

Fine.

I guess we're closing the restaurant so we can help sell a mostly stolen bike.

Yay! Close the restaurant! Baby!

Zoo!

Tina! Oh. Right. Bike!

Hi, baby! Boop, boop!

(phone chimes)

Critter just texted.

From the butt phone?

I'm waiting for a fart fax.

He said to look for his garage key next to the skull.

Which skull?

There are, like, 20 of them.

This one's cool.

Hi. How are you?

I don't know, I just have a headache.

So, Sidecar just ate, and I have to go.

Wait. What?

No, no, no.

Critter didn't say anything about watching the baby.

Well, I have an exam.

And the professor says I have to start going to those.

It's okay.

I can watch the baby.

Lin, no, we...

Give me the baby.

Oh, I got the baby!

He needs his nap soon.

And he's a little... difficult to put down.

And if he doesn't get his nap, he's...

I don't want to say a horrifying monster, but, um, have you seen that movie Monster?

Oh, I can put him down.

I have three kids.

I can still rock Gene to sleep.

Gene, come here.

No! Stay away, you sleep witch!

Aw. Okay, so call if you need anything.

But also, don't call because I'll be in my exam.

Found the key. I'm supposed to take the motorcycle to a guy named Kenny on Water Street.

Great. How are we supposed to get it all the way over there?

I'll drive it.

No, Louise.

I guess I'll roll it over.

(Louise grunting)

That's bad ass, Dad.

You know what?

(Sidecar jabbers)

I'm just gonna put him in the stroller, walk around the block, and I bet he falls asleep right away.

He just needs an experienced mom.

Come on, baby.

Ooh, the baby. (laughs)

(laughs) I'm killin' it with this kid.

I'm glad Mom has someone else to smother so I can finally grow up and...

Ooh! Rattle!

Shake, shake, shake!

Whoa!

Ah!

Oh, whoops, you got away from me! Huh!

I got you back. You're safe.

(Sidecar jabbers gently)

♪ Sidecar thinks I'm a fun Mommy... ♪

Sidecar, do you like your name?

(jabbering)

Oh, no. Yeah, I like it, too.

It's really... pretty.

Oh, Hot Totties!

I used to take the kids here when they were babies. Hmm.

You're supposed to be napping right now.

But you know what would be good?

To go in there and get you tired out.

You want to go in?

Just look at me and say nothing if you want to go in.

(jabbers)

I-I said say nothing.

(jabbering)

Say nothing.

All right, great, we're going in.

(Bob grunting with effort)

This bike doesn't sound well.

Yeah, it doesn't handle well, either.

You know, you guys are making this much harder.

Gene: And it kind of has an attitude.

Hey, that guy keeps turning when we turn.

He's wearing loafers.

You know what that means.

He's got pennies.

Tina: Maybe he should use them to buy socks. Am I right?

(grunting)

Let's see if Preppy Pete turns, too.

Louise (gasps): He is following us!

No, he's not, Louise.

He's just coincidentally turning when we turn.

Maybe he's never seen a man's back sweat as much as yours.

My back's not...

Oh, my God, it is.

Mm-hmm.

(jabbering)

Aw! That's nice.

They get along, don't they?

Yeah. They're baby buddies.

What's this one's name?

Sidecar.

What?

Si... Simon.

Simon. Says.

Well, that's a nice name.

Thank you!

This is Jacob.

Hi, Jacob!

I'm Linda.

And I'm Bethany.

Mama.

Hey, he called me Mama!

He's never... done that before?

Ah... no!

Well, this is a special moment!

(jabbers)

Yeah, it sure is, because, uh, I-I'm Simon's mama!

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

♪ Me and Simon. ♪

Gettin' through the world together, huh?

Just us... two.

Yeah.

Right now, till we go home later.

Are you married?

Yeah. No, yeah.

(door buzzer sounds)

Well, this is the address.

(Tina and Gene grunt)

Looks like we lost our stalker.

Louise, no one is stalking us.

Yeah, 'cause we lost him.

Are you Bob? Uh, yeah.

Kenny, right?

Critter's bike. Wow.

You guys don't look like One Eyed Snakes.

How dare you.

You don't look like a Kenny.

Yeah, you look like an Ethan or a Chad.

Nice jacket.

A lot of zippers.

Not too many, right?

No, no, no, no.

Wait, are you being sarcastic?

'Cause I'm really sensitive right now. I just bought this.

Give us a twirl.

♪ Twirling. ♪ (whistles)

Okay, let's fire her up, but not without my mandana.

Uh, okay. Yeah.

Time to go hog wild.

(grunts)

Time to go... (grunting)

Okay, time to go... (grunt)

Hmm. Okay, time to... (grunts)

Hog. Time to go...

Let's try that again. Ready?

Time to go ho... Ow!

Time to go, oh, hog.

That's not it.

I'm starting to feel bad for the bike.

Maybe it's just not time to go hog wild.

Ah, there. Ah. (laughs)

(engine starts)

There we go. Wow.

Nothing like the sound of a 1,200-cc engine in the body of an outlaw hog, uh? (laughs)

Hey, we gotta split, man!

The meth house is gonna blow!

I'm just kidding.

No, I'm not.

We gotta go, man, we gotta go!

Uh, Kenny, maybe we should finish our transaction so we can leave, and then you can keep doing that?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Sure.

I'll go get the money.

I'm leaving it running because I love the sound.

And not because you're not strong enough to start it again.

Kenny: Right!

(engine revs)

No! Stop!

What the...?

Where's my bike?

Preppy Pete just stole it!

(gasps) The stalker.

Well, great.

Now I can't trust stalkers.

See, that guy was stalking us.

This stinks!

This sucks! Language!

Oh, God, I have to tell Critter that someone stole his bike.

The bike that was gonna get him out of jail and put his life on the right track.

Would it be rude if I just texted him that?

No, I should call.

You're gonna call the butt phone?

Yes, Tina, and please stop saying "butt phone."

Can I have one more?

Okay, one more.

Butt phone. Actually, wait, can I save it for later?

Fine.

Yes...

Hi. Can I, uh, please speak with Critter?

Hold, please.

Hey, Bob, are you here?

You got the money?

Hey, I talked to Candace.

Um...

Thanks for taking care of Sidecar.

He's a sweet little fella.

'Less he doesn't get a nap.

Then he gets extremely violent and he just starts swingin'.

Takes after his mother.

Uh, listen, Critter, um, someone, uh, kind of... stole your motorcycle.

Bob, I sincerely hope you didn't say what I think you just said.

Someone stalked us and stole it!

He was wearing fancy pants!

Whoa, whoa, hold-hold on.

Did Gene just say "fancy pants"?

Yeah, he did have nice pants.

Loafers?

Yeah.

Socks or no socks?

Um... no socks?

That sounds like Carl.

Carl?

Yeah, I called Carl first, before Kenny.

He's another nerdy finance guy who collects outlaw biker stuff.

Another one?!

What's with these guys?

I don't know.

I kind of get it.

They're trapped in a world of numbers, but their lives don't add up.

All bills, no thrills.

Breaks your heart, really.

Carl tried to lowball me, so I told him I was gonna sell to somebody else.

That no-socks son of a bitch must've been pissed off enough to steal it.

Well, should we call the police?

Whoa! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No po po.

This bike has some stolen qualities, remember?

Right, right, right.

Bob, I'm supposed to start work in a few hours.

I don't want to put pressure on you, but this is my entire life in your hands.

I know, I know.

You've got to find Carl Lumpkin and get my motorcycle back.

How am I supposed to find Carl Lumpkin?

Oh, I know Carl Lumpkin.

You do? Oh, yeah sure.

We play squash.

He stole your bike.

He did what?!

Oh, that is classic Carl.

He also cheats at squash.

Is that Kenny?

Yeah. Kenny knows Carl.

Put him on.

He wants to talk to you.

Oh, boy.

Um, how do I look?

Amazing.

This is Kenny.

You know where Carl Lumpkin lives?

Why, are you gonna k*ll him?

No, you are.

No, I'm just yankin' your chain.

(laughs nervously)

I gotcha. I gotcha.

You got me so... so good. Ah.

Now, what you're gonna do is you're gonna go to his house... Uh-huh, yes. get your bike...

Uh-huh.

...and give my money to Bob.

Okay. Okay, cool plan. Yeah.

Put Bob back on.

Really enjoyed talking to you.

Bob, listen, if Carl gives you any trouble, you're the muscle.

Be tough.

Um. H-How do I do that?

Intimidate him.

Make a thr*at.

Maybe something in the stabbing department.

Ever s*ab anybody?

No.

Well, don't tell him that.

(phone beeps)

Ooh, Bob, got to go.

You don't get a lot of minutes on these prepaid cavity phones. Go get 'em.

Please tell me he told you we had to s*ab somebody.

He did.

Yes!

Let's get stabby, Flabby!

Ow.

Look at 'em.

Might be too many baby cooks in the baby kitchen, right?

(chuckles) Yeah, if you can't stand the baby heat... get out of the baby kitchen.

Get out of the baby oven.

It's oven.

(phone rings)

Oh. Oh, it's my husband.

Hi, babe. We're gonna be a little late, I think.

Simon's still awake.

I'm trying to tire him out.

Who's Simon?

(whispers): Sidecar.

I'm at Hot Totties with some fun young moms and they think Sidecar's my son.

And he called me Mama.

And I call him Simon.

And we're just going with it.

Okay. Well, Critter's bike got stolen and I'm supposed to thr*aten to s*ab this guy. So we're gonna be a little late, too.

Huh. Well, I guess my day's going a little better than yours... Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh, God. He's throwing fake food everywhere. (yelling)

Oh. Right.

They said he gets violent if he doesn't nap, so... good luck with that.

Ooh!

Linda?

Bob, I got to go.

The other moms are watching.

Ow, ow. Oh!

(yelling)

Louise: Remember, Dad, your biker name is Mustache Manny and you once ate somebody's eyebrows for looking at you funny.

And you hate cilantro.

Give me a Mustache Manny face.

(growling)

Chills.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Look at you, Dad.

You're having fun, aren't you?

No. Just trying to get into character. (man vrooming)

Wait, wait, shh, shh.

Do you hear that?

Man: You look at my bike again and you're dead meat.

It's coming from the backyard.

Yeah, I don't play by the rules.

(imitates revving engine)

Carl!

Uh-oh.

Hi. Uh, can I help you?

Oh, hey, Kenny.

Carl.

Super-duper cool to see you, bud.

Uh, I cannot hang out right now.

I've got something on the stove, and I don't want it to burn.

Oh what a coincidence, 'cause you know what else is burning?

Your pants, because you're a liar!

And that jacket looks ridiculous on you.

I-I've gotten a lot of compliments. Bye.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Carl, we know you have Critter's bike in there.

Give it back. Now.

Or I'm gonna eat your eyebrows.

What?

I mean, I'm gonna st...

I'll s*ab you.

What Mustache Manny the dangerous outlaw biker is trying to say is hand over the bike, pal.

Uh, I don't know what bike you guys are talking about.

Oh, yeah? Then what's the motorcycle shaped-lump in your backyard?

Eh, that's not a motorcycle.

Oh, it's not? What is it then?

My, uh... horse?

Tina: Go on.

That is my outlaw hog!

Hey!

Aha!

Where'd my horse go?

Butterscotch.

Butterscotch.

(grunts)

That's how you do it, Kenny. No!

Get off, get off! Get...

You're squishing my face!

Get off me. Get off!

Don't! Stop it! Ge...

Oh, my God.

Ge... Don't do that! Aah! Stop it.

Aah! Oh!

Again, again!

Are you guys okay?

Yeah. Just tell me one thing.

Did I look cool?

I think you know the answer to that.

(distorted roaring)

(distorted): (chuckling) He's fine.

He's okay.

You're okay.

Aah!

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

This is bad.

And we're running out of time.

Kenny, you've gotta give us the money. We gotta go.

No, I'm not buying a damaged bike.

But you damaged it.

You know what? Carl really seems to want it and I'm gonna step back and graciously allow him to have it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You should have it.

You-you look really good on it.

No, you know what, it really goes, You look... no, it goes great with your whole backyard tarp thing you've got going on here, so...

Hey, should we just forget this whole thing, and take it out on the squash court?

Yes.

Squash it out!

Listen!

Somebody's fixing and buying this bike, and we're getting Critter out of jail!

I nominate Carl or you.

I second you.

I third.

Oh, my God.

Dad, quick sidebar.

I know who can fix it... the One Eyed Snakes.

Louise, we can't go to the One Eyed Snakes.

We don't really have a choice here.

If these squares aren't gonna pay to fix it, the One Eyed Snakes are our only hope.

Fine.

Kenny, if the One Eyed Snakes are willing to fix the motorcycle, would you buy it then?

Do I get to meet them?

Yes.

Yes!

Well, now I want it.

Well, except that I want it.

Well, I want it, though.

No, I want it.

Both: I want it!

I want it! I want it!

Stop! Stop!

I want it!

Kenny, you come with us.

Carl, go back inside and don't steal things.

You're not my mom.

What if he is?

All right, let's roll this bike to the One Eyed Snakes.

Wait, I just want to say good-bye to Butterscotch.

Butterscotch isn't real.

Right, right, right, right.

Bye, Butterscotch, just in case!

(One Eyed Snakes clamoring, fists thudding, loud crashing)

Uh, maybe you kids should wait out here.

Uh-uh, we started this together.

We're ending it together.

Yeah, like when we got that 15-foot party sub.

All right, fine, just stay near me.

That goes for you, too, Kenny.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Hold-hold up, you want us to help fix Critter's bike, so you can sell it to Wolf of Wall Street over here?

Kenny, hi.

No one introduced us. Big fan.

(growls) (chuckling)

Kenny, Kenny? Kenny?

I'm sorry, got nervous.

Not now, not now.

Laugh when I'm nervous.

But don't you want to help get Critter out of jail?

No.

Critter hasn't talked to us in weeks.

Yeah, yeah, and when we do see him, he looks sleepy, and he just feels like he's never present with me.

Yeah, he hardly wants any meth.

But he has to get out of jail.

He's starting his new job today at What the Tech.

What? Oh, God, see this is what I'm talking about.

Are you kidding me?

I know!

Oh, wait, I-I don't think I was supposed to tell anyone that.

Loose lips, wide hips.

Listen, Bob, it's not gonna happen.

Wheel that out of here.

Before you kick us out, could I just get a couple of selfies with you guys?

Okay, just don't get my double chin.

Well, then you, I hold the camera up like this, look.

Yeah, you hold it up.

See, and gooseneck.

And click.

(frantic humming)

♪ Sleepity-deedy. ♪

(gasps)

I did it!

I freakin' did it!

He's asleep.

Ooh, Bethany, you're bleeding.

Oh, yeah, just a little.

(chuckles)

But Jacob was throwing stuff, too, right?

Oh, it was a whirlwind.

No, it was mostly Simon.

Jacob was just covering himself.

He learned the word help today.

Help.

(shushes) Jacob, shush, shush.

Please don't shush my son.

Okay, look, you know, so Sidecar got a little crazy.

They said he would be hard to put down and it's true.

Who's "they"?

Yeah, and who's Sidecar?

Who said that?

What's going on?

I, uh, okay, okay, okay, yes.

I-I renamed this kid Simon and I told you he was my son.

He's not your son?

Let me clarify.

I did not kidnap him, okay?

His father's in jail and his mother's in the woods.

I mean, she's alive!

She's fine!

I'm just gonna make a quick call.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No phone!

Oh, look at that...

Jacob's getting into preschool!

(gasps) What? Where? Which one?

(shushing rapidly)

Delete, delete, delete.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

I like that one.

Send me that one.

Send it to me, too.

Looking at us laughing together.

Guys, will you please just tell Kenny you'll fix the bike, so he'll give me the money?

Bob, I said no.

We clearly don't mean anything to Critter, so he doesn't mean anything to us.

Of course you guys mean something to him.

You know what?

I'll bet he misses raising hell with all of you, uh...

Lovable scamps?

Right, so why don't you try to meet him in the middle?

What do you mean?

Well, like, maybe you could wake up early with Critter and raise hell before he has to go to work or... after work, but before Sidecar's bedtime.

Like, commit a crime or whatever you like to do.

Crime.

Right.

So you do that before bedtime, right, guys?

I do my crimes before bedtime.

Tuckers me right out.

Ah, I guess we can be a little more tolerant of Critter's situation.

And other races.

Also, for the record, having kids isn't that bad.

I mean, I've spent all day doing this extremely inconvenient favor for Critter, but being with my kids actually made it kind of fun.

Aw, that's-that's nice.

Aw!

You're welcome!

Ha-ha, you like your kids.

So, the motorcycle... fix it, please?

Yeah, we'll-we'll fix it up.

And then you can sell it to this square over here.

(chuckles) It's Kenny.

Or whatever you want.

Hey, you guys on LinkedIn?

Louise: Aw, Kenny...

Ice Pick: Yeah, I am.

Biker 1: Me, too.

Biker 2: Yeah, me, too.

You sure you want to work today, Dad?

'Cause we could find another biker to get out of jail.

Like a naughty unicyclist.

No, I think I'm good.

Look.

It's Critter and Mudflap.

Oh, with my buddy Sidecar.

(door bell jingles)

Ugh! I can't look at you like that.

I know.

I can't look at myself.

Yeah, at least cut the sleeves off.

I tried... my manager's a 19-year-old boy named Randy, and he reamed me for it.

Gene: Mm.

Well, it is what it is.

We wanted to bring you a thank-you gift for helping me out yesterday.

It's a phone charger from What the Tech.

It might be broken.

It was in the discount bin.

This is a printer.

It's not a...

Phone chargers are, like, really small, but thanks.

Damn, where were you yesterday when I was in training?

And I brought you this from my Women of the Wild Weekend.

It's a pine cone.

Aw...

Give it!

Well, we got to go.

Uh, we got to meet the Snakes back at headquarters.

We got a nursing student coming by to teach, uh, infant CPR class to the club.

She's also gonna sell us a bunch of OxyContin.

That's, um, uh, huh.

Well, I'm glad things are better between you guys.

Yeah, me, too, Bob, me, too.

And, Linda, you got Sidecar to nap yesterday!

I did!

Incredible.

Question... will you watch him next weekend while we drive up to Laconia, New Hampshire, for Bike Week and go absolutely nuts?

Uh, no.

Please?

Please?

No, no, no, no.

Worth a sh*t.

I could do it.

Hi, Sidecar...

No, Tina, no!

♪ Talkin' on a butt phone ♪
♪ On a butt phone ♪
♪ Talkin' on a butt phone ♪
♪ On a butt phone ♪
♪ Talkin' on a butt phone ♪
♪ On a butt phone ♪
♪ Talkin' on a butt phone ♪
♪ On a butt phone... ♪

(rock melody continues)

♪ ♪
♪ Talkin' on a butt phone ♪
♪ On a butt phone ♪
♪ Talkin' on a butt phone ♪
♪ On a butt phone! ♪