01x06 - Nothing as it Seems

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat rock music]

Oh, hey, honey. I was just...

Shh. Where are the girls?

In their rooms. Why?

Okay, nice and easy, let's sneak out to a movie, just the two of us.

I'll go get my purse.

No, no, too risky.

We go to go now.

Not without my purse.

You don't need your purse, I got my wallet.

But I need my brush, lipstick, concealer.

What are you trying to conceal?

I know what you look like.

Let's go before we're late.

Late for what?

Yeah, where are we going?

The movies.

Nowhere.

Both: Yay!

Let me just take care of something real quick.

Aaron, we're doing stuff. You got to leave.

Aaron, family. Family, Aaron.

It's nice to meet you.

You have a beautiful home, and you've raised a wonderful daughter.

They know.

I will text you later.

Great.

[door closes]

He seems nice.

Yeah. He's too nice.

I got to get rid of him.

We spend one night together, and now he's all, "Let's go out again and hold hands in the park, ride the carousel, share our stories."

[scoffs] Who wants that?

I do.

You just described my favorite montage in every romantic comedy.

Well, that and the montage of trying on different outfits that your boyfriend bought you even though you're a hooker.

And those snooty Beverly Hills sales ladies... they're just jealous of what I have...

I mean she has.

Look, I've dated enough guys to realize they're always jerks in the end.

So now I'm the jerk.

I'm breaking the hearts.

I'm the reason they woke up downtown on a curb in their own vomit, wondering how they got there.

And it feels good.

Martina, jump in here. Fix her.

Look, honey, I understand you've been through some bad relationships, but one day you'll meet somebody you want to spend time with, maybe get married... raise kids with.

I don't need a guy to help me raise my kid.

I've got you and Dad.

This kitchen is k*lling me right now.

Can we just go to the movies before...

Hey.

That happens.

We're here to return your latest attempt at an anniversary gift.

Yes, we don't even know what it is.

Oh, it's a picture disc.

We put all your photos on it, so they'll play on your TV like a screensaver.

So they all show up in order?

No, they appear randomly, so it's always a surprise.

So, in one picture, I'm in my 20s, and in the next, I...

Wait. How old did I tell you all I was?

Anyway, Mike, the thought doesn't even count on this one.

Try again.

Okay, there's two movies starting soon.

One is some old-timey movie called "The Bodyguard"...

"The Bodyguard"?

That's the movie we saw on our first date.

Bob!

What?

They're talking about "The Bodyguard"!

What?

"The Bodyguard"!

That's the movie we saw on our first date!

Oh, what an unforgettable night.

I picked her up...

No, I drove.

Right, because my car was in the shop.

No, because you wanted to drink.

Right, booze. That sounds like me.

We're going to the movies right now.

You should come with us.

We're in.

[beep] purse.

You know what? We should all go see "The Bodyguard."

My first date with Alice changed my life for the better in every single way, and I want you all to share that memory with us.

Oh, baby, you are so sweet.

Both: Mwah.

Okay, fine.

You want an anniversary gift?

This is it.

We'll all go to the movies and re-create your first date with you.

And from this point forward, none of us will act like that's weird.

You got a deal. We'll pick Ethan up on the way.

Yeah, because we need more people.

Oh, would you go get my purse?

Sure. It caused all of this.

It might as well come with us.

No.

No.

No! No! No!

[upbeat music]

Martina's with the girls.

I need to talk to somebody privately, and you're the only person available.

Now?

I'm in the middle of the Star Jumble.

"Bard Tipt."

It's Brad Pitt.

You've seen this one.

I found this on the kitchen floor.

It's a positive pregnancy test.

Oh, jeez.

It's got to be Stella's, right?

Well, it definitely can't Shea's.

She's an innocent child.

She's 23.

What?

That can't be right.

What about Martina?

She's still young enough.

It's not Martina's. She would have told me.

Hmm.

Well, maybe she's just waiting for the right time or, uh... or...

Or what?

It's not yours.

Are you actually saying that to me?

As your father, it's ridiculous.

But as an ex-cop, I've got to consider all possibilities.

Her phone is right there. Let's check it for suspects.

I am not gonna do that.

So you'll just raise the kid as your own?

Oh, stop that.

Martina has nothing to hide.

So it won't hurt to look at it.

Fine. Just to shut you up.

Oh, David Connor.

Who's that? An old boyfriend?

Oh, for God's sake!

Yes.

"The other night was great.

Meet me at the hotel Friday at 9:00."

Mm.

In the cop business, we call that a clue.

What's going on?

Okay, look, let me first say that I love you.

I trust you completely, but Dad and I went through your phone, and it appears that you've been banging your ex-boyfriend and are pregnant with his baby, so... thoughts?

What's wrong with you?

David Connor texted you about meeting at a hotel.

Yes, because he wants me to check out the the venue for his wedding to Marcus.

He's gay now.

We're going to his wedding next month.

I told you all about this.

Okay, wait. Were the Mets on when you were talking?

And did I nod and say, "Sounds good"?

Yes.

Well, there you have it.

Oh, crap. Do we really have to go to a wedding?

Forget the wedding.

Why did you think I was pregnant?

Oh, right. Damn it. Somebody's still pregnant.

Look what I found in our kitchen.

[gasps]

Our kitchen?

Yeah, of course our kitchen.

Why would I take a pregnancy test from someone else's kitchen?

Okay, okay, let's not freak out and jump to the logical and correct conclusion that Stella's pregnant.

How do we do that?

Hold on. I'll think of something.

Got one.

The plumber dropped her pregnancy test on the kitchen floor.

When's the last time you saw a female plumber?

A woman can plumb.

This is not the time.

You're right.

Look, we need to confirm things with Stella, and then we'll figure out what to do from there.

Is it too late for adoption?

It hasn't even been born yet.

I'm talking about Stella.

Here you go, Dad.

Oh, thanks, son.

Large popcorn with butter... just like our first date.

No, you had Sour Patch Kids.

Oh, yeah.

I love those tart little bastards.

Do you remember where we sat that night?

Of course I do.

Fifth row, center, best seats in the house... my signature move.

We sat in the front row because you weren't ready when I picked you up.

Ah, yes, fashionably late... my signature move.

I remember it well.

Oh, God, you're remembering things after I tell you.

It's not remembering. It's just hearing.

Guys, who is "Bard Tipt"?

Ethan, you'll never believe what I overheard in the lobby.

They're having a secret advanced screening of "Prisoners of Galifron" here tonight.

Are you kidding me? I love those books!

Me too!

Just think... on the other side of that wall, the Galifronians will be fighting for their freedom.

And yet we sit idly by and do nothing, like the cowards of Fargul.

We could ask if we could go.

Or... we could sneak out and not tell anyone, like the rebels of Zukon.

They d*ed.

Plus, I never could.

I'm a rule-follower.

Just yesterday I wanted to sample a third flavor at the frozen-yogurt place, but...

both: The limit is two.

I know how you feel.

But where has all this rule-following gotten us?

Living with our parents, out of work, spending a Friday night re-creating my parents' first date.

What's even sadder is, it's the first date I've been on in months.

The last time I kissed someone, the constellation Orion hadn't even risen in the western sky yet.

It was six months ago.

Let's do it.

[quirky music]

It's sold out.

The one time we break the rules, we don't get to enjoy it.

Unless we break more rules.

More rules?

We could sneak in and stand in the back.

Stand in the back?

That's violating the fire code.

You need to keep the aisle clear.

Everyone knows that.

Now I'm getting a sweat mustache just thinking about it.

What are you two doing here?

And where's your vest?

Um...

I don't know how to answer that.

You're supposed to have your vest on before your shift.

Uh, sorry, boss. She won't let it happen again.

[sighs]

Here, put this on.

"Prisoners of Galifron" is about to start.

Get inside and give the pre-show speech.

Oh, my God, now we're impersonating employees too?

Maybe for the first time in our lives, we should color outside the lines.

I couldn't even sit next to the kids who did that.

If the bear and the bunny and the birthday present are all the same color, that's not a tea party, that's chaos!

Well, maybe you and I need some chaos in our lives.

And what are they gonna do, send us to movie jail?

But what if I get addicted to this?

What if I need bigger and bigger highs?

I've seen this in movies.

It starts with one minor transgression, and before you know it, you're working the streets to pay for your habit.

And then one day, along comes a handsome banker, and he rents you out for the night.

The next thing you know, you're at the opera, and everyone thinks you're a real lady.

Let's do it.

[soft music]

She's crying.

It's the pregnancy hormones.

I was wrong about this movie.

It's so romantic.

He would take a b*llet for her.

The most a guy has ever taken for me is a drug test.

[crying] And he failed.

Your grandfather would take a b*llet for me any day.

I would?

You bet I would!

But why would anyone want to sh**t you?

You're perfect in every way.

Oh, guys, even though you're old, you still have feelings.

Ooh, now she's texting someone.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh!

She's texting me.

She needs a tampon.

Ugh, gross.

No, not gross.

That means she's not pregnant!

But wait.

That means it's Shea.

[gasps]

Shea's pregnant.

Oh, no, not the good one.

Shea can't have a baby. Shea is a baby.

Well, clearly she's more grown up than we thought.

Where is she?

I don't know.

I'll text her.

So please turn off your cell phones.

[cell phone chimes]

See? Someone's texting me, but they're just gonna have to wait, because I'm turning off my cell phone.

[crowd chattering]

Seriously, guys, listen up.

We are real ushers talking to you.

Let me switch to Galifronian.

[sighs] Why won't Shea text back?

Let's go look for her.

I don't like this movie, anyway.

I like movies where they don't end up together in the end.

Nice spoiler, dude.

This movie's 20 years old.

That's on you.

Oh, my God.

I just had an epitome.

Did you guys realize that you're a white cop guy like Kevin Costner and you're a black lady like Whitney Houston?

It's like they made this movie so you guys would fall in love.

Well, it sure worked.

And it's bringing back so many memories.

[sniffles]

[voice breaking] I don't know why I'm getting so emotional.

I just had a terrible thought.

Not now. We're looking for Shea.

What if that test belongs to Alice?

Alice?

Isn't she beyond that?

The women in her family stay fertile forever.

Her sister retired and had a baby that same year.

Plus, she's acting moody, and her bust is very bounteous.

Aren't those her usual characteristics?

I'm gonna ask her.

You do that.

Have you lost your damn mind?

It's not Alice.

Good to know.

You are now a prisoner of Galifron!

This is amazing!

Excuse me.

Shh. It's cool.

We're real ushers.

No, we're real ushers.

You're... not.

You're going to movie jail.

Well, we now know two things... one, we've been banned from the movie theater for six months.

Two, movie jail is just the manager's office.

No, not in there either.

[gasps] There she is.

Oh, she's glowing. Look at her.

How did we not notice the glow?

Okay, let's try to keep it together.

Oh, my God, my little baby's pregnant.

Hey, Shea.

Mom, Dad, I made a terrible mistake.

You don't have to say it.

We know, and we're here for you.

Don't be mad at Shea.

I talked her into it.

Both: What?

No, Ethan.

I wanted to do it just as much as he did.

And I loved every second of it.

But now I'm paying for it.

Ethan, how the hell could you do this?

Mike, it was only one time.

And in six months, we can go in and out as much as we please.

Why would you say that to me?

Are you insane?

Look, Dad, it only happened because he was wearing that vest.

Do you have some sort of vest fetish?

What the hell is going on out here?

You're missing the end of the movie.

I'll tell you what's going on.

Because of your stepson, my daughter's pregnant.

All: What?

No, I'm not.

Not you. Shea.

Finally, I'm the good one.

I'm not pregnant.

And it's gone.

Mike, all Shea and I did was sneak into a movie.

Yeah, I understand my reputation's tarnished, but why would you think I'm pregnant?

Well, I found this positive pregnancy test in the kitchen.

Our kitchen?

Why does everyone question what kitchen I'm in?

Dad, that's mine.

Oh, you want more information?

That would be helpful.

I drew the plus sign on with a marker.

It's my magic breakup stick.

It makes guys disappear.

I show it to them and say, "Oops, you're a daddy."

And then I tell them have to get a better job and marry me, and then, poof, they're pretty much gone.

Now, I know what you're all thinking.

Maybe you better tell us what we're thinking.

That I should bring this genius idea to "Shark t*nk"?

That's really sweet, you guys.

But I don't know.

Tonight it's kind of bumming me out.

Something about this movie and the whole "I Will Always Love You" thing and Grandma and Grandpa's beautiful marriage.

And ours.

Sure, but it's more moving when it's interracial.

You guys didn't have to fight society for your love.

They fought nothing. It was the '90s.

Shut up, Mike.

We're heroes, and you know it.

Calm down, honey.

Let's just go back and watch the rest of the movie.

Good idea.

You know, I thought it might be nice to share it with the family, but Mike was right.

It is kind of weird.

Look, Stella, I don't want to give you some big lecture.

Thanks, Dad.

Get back here.

Have a seat.

The first time I saw one of those pregnancy tests, your mother was pregnant with you.

Oh, the timing could not have been worse.

But I couldn't have been happier.

I was so excited to meet you... this little baby that was gonna change our whole lives.

Aw, Dad.

Hey. You are a beautiful young woman who can get any guy you want, but you deserve a guy who sees that stick and runs towards you, not away from you.

That would be nice. I would like that... someday.

But maybe a nice guy like Aaron gets a second date.

That sounds good.

Maybe even invite him over for a family dinner.

I'll do that. I'll go call him right now.

He's in between sets.

What is he, in a band?

No. He's a go-go boy.

But don't worry. He's only gay for pay.

He'll tell you all about it at dinner.

Only gay for pay.

At least he has a job.

Yeah, let's hang on to that.

♪ And I ♪
♪ Will always love you ♪

So here we are, all alone in the theater, holding hands, just like our first date.

Yeah.

I remember you smiled like that that night, and I thought to myself, "Bob, don't screw this up. This is the one."

I felt the same way.

I'll never forget how beautiful you were that night.

You remember the important stuff.

I'll give you that.

[chuckles]

I also remember when all the credits were done, I picked you up like Kevin picked up Whitney and carried you right out of the theater.

Those days are gone.

The hell they are.

Jump in, baby.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I just pulled a muscle.

You're a dummy.

A very, very romantic dummy.

Both: Mwah.

Remind me to throw my back out more often.

Watch the corner.

[lively music]

You know, for a half second there, when I thought you were pregnant, a little part of me was excited.

Really?

Well, you know, babies are so cute... the way they smell and look at you... that drunk smile they get after they finish their bottle.

They see everything for the first time, and somehow... it all feels new again.

We're still young.

Why don't we have another one?

I'm gonna go see Aaron.

Can I have some money for condoms?

Oh, yeah, that's why.

[upbeat rock music]