07x12 - Hump Cola

[bunniefuu]

En garde!

Have at ye, sir!

Ho-ho!

Thrust!

And parry!

And thrust, my lord!

Oh, my lady!

And thrusting again, my lord!

You left yourself open!

Ow!

Oh! My hump!

Oh! Oh!

Ew!

Oh, my hump!

Ew! It's spewing brown stuff out of her hump!

Is it bad?

Chief, it is not good!

We got to get you to a hospital!

Hey, what did I just say?

(laughs)

Oh! Oh, it's going in my mouth!

Oh! (screaming)

Chief, it tastes kind of like...

Coca-Cola.

What?

What?

I think you got Coke's secret formula spewing out of your hump.

No kidding.

Phew!

(music plays on headphones)

Oh, hey, Blake.

I was going through your locker, Glenn.

What? Why?!

Because I needed money, and I figured you had some.

But that's not what this is about.

I found these.

A bottle of alcohol, a liquor-drinking device, and chocolate candies with an orange liqueur center.

(scoffs)

You're an alcoholic.

Oh, please!

If anything, I have a pill problem.

Pills are medicine, stupid!

This?

This is k*lling you. (sighs)

Now, I want you to come to a meeting with me.

They meet every Tuesday in the hospital basement.

Blake, forget it!

Okay.

I'll tell everybody about your little side business in bee husbandry.

That is not your secret to tell!

One meeting.

(Chief) (chuckles)

And to think, all this time, I thought this thing was just full of regular ol' hump meat.

All these years, you've been staggering around with a gold mine on your back.

How do you mean?

Well, people have been trying to replicate Coca-Cola's secret formula for thousands of years.

It's true.

But you did it.

You and your hump and Owen's ingenuity.

I like to think of us as the Jobs and Wozniak of shoulder soda.

Oh, gosh!

So, what do you say, Chief?

Can we bottle and sell your hump juice?

I don't know, guys.

I mean, this could be your golden ticket.

(laughs)

So are you in?

You bet I am!

Okay!

Awesome!

(laughter)

Yay!

(indistinct conversations)

You know I don't actually have a drinking problem, right?

You know who says that? People with drinking problems.

People without drinking problems also say it, too.

(dramatic music plays)

Who wants to turn their life around?!

Yeah! I do.

(music stops)

Hey. I'm Nils Vildervaan. and I'm a professional rehabilitationalist.

I'm the best in the business.

And I'm gonna be in your face.

I'll be in your TV, too, because I got my own at-home-recovery DVD system that includes a code for a free digital download.

Oh, sh**t! I'm getting called in for an emergency surgery.

Shut your mouth, addict!

From this point forward, I'm gonna be your mommy, your daddy, your coach, your teammate, your hallway monitor, your band instructor, your best friend, and your worst enemy.

And if you're lucky, I might even show you my Michael Jackson impersonation.

Whee-hoo!

This is dumb.

You're dumb!

Hey, I don't have a drinking problem!

That's an excuse! And excuses...

all: are like buttholes!

Who are you, man?!

Who are you, man?

Sit down.

Mmm!

Mmm!

Well, we're working around the clock as production continues to scale, and Chief likes to keep the cola flowing day and night.

Isn't that right, Chief?

Do you think I could go to the bathroom at some point?

(laughs) She's hilarious.

Now, I'm sure you've got a million questions, and I bet the first question is, "Hey, what does the can look like?"

Lola?

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Hump Cola!

Where every day is hump day.

A lot of you are probably wondering, "How can this old duffer in a hat help me with my problems? He's not hip to the game. He probably doesn't even know what Snapchat is."

(laughs)

But I can help you.

Why? Because I once was you.

I've been to hell and back so often that my frequent flyer miles have frequent flyer miles.

(chuckling) Okay.

But I wasted those miles flying to hell and back.

I was addicted to cocaine, friends.

La cocaina.

(sighs) But I got clean.

And it's been 20 years since I touched a drink or a drug.

Or a piece of chocolate hidden in my locker.

So I'm gonna ask you all again.

Who wants to turn... your life around?

(whimpering)

There you go.

There you go.

I'm addicted to chocolate with orange liqueur in it. And I can't stop. I can't stop, and I need help.

Now we're cookin' with cottonseed oil, everybody.

Ohh!

Okay, g*ng, let's take a quick five-minute break --

Take a pee, poo, grab a snack, a drink.

I know I'm thirsty.

Then we'll reconvene here and get down to work.

(sobbing)

I'm proud of you, Glenn.

I was lying.

I-I just wanted them to stop staring at me.

But it does feel good to cry.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where are you going? Where are you going?

Just like this. Shh.

Where are you going?

(tab pops)

Owen: Demand is through the roof --

North Korea, Paraguay.

Basically, any country that can't afford real Coke, they're placing orders with us!

Hey. I'm Nils Vildervaan.

Where's a professional rehabilitameshalist gonna find a can of sodee around here?

Hey, my dear.

Mmm!

There might be a problem.

Chief's production is down.

I'm afraid that her hump might be drying up.

What?

No!!

(crying) I know! I know!

I love it! I love it, I love it, I love it!

Hi-ho, silver -- away!

What are we gonna do?

I don't know what to do!

Oh, thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Oh. Wow. Turns out that Chief's Hump Cola is actually closer to the original Coca-Cola formula, which was discontinued in 1903.

Discontinued?

Yeah, because it was laced with cocaine.

(groaning) Ohhhhhh!

See, that explains why ours is so popular.

Aggggggh!

Get out of my way! Agh!

What's wrong with you people?!

I want to dance!

I want to --

Ow! My ankle!

Ow! I hurt my ankle!

I'm sad.

I'm angry!

(voice breaking) I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

He's high as a kite.

I'll fix it.

He must've relapsed.

Uh, maybe we should take him to a hospital.

Wait a minute. What did I just say?

(laughter)

man: Because we're in a hospital!

Yeah. Mm, yeah.

Yeah.

Also, look at all these numbers.

Look at all these great, great numbers.

Boom!

Yeah.

But to really know where your milk comes from, it's important for you to meet the cow.

Mooooo! (chuckles) That's what she said.

Yeah, it's a cash cow.

It's our cash cow right there -- Chief.

Could I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Chief. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, we're gonna take a quick meeting.

You guys cr*ck open a Hump, have a lot of fun.

Keep the energy up, up, up, up, up!

What do you want?!

(weakly) I...don't... want to do this...anymore.

We don't just stop production because you say so!

That's not how business works!

Things are different now, because I own a houseboat!

I'm out. I'm out.

No.

(groans) That's it.

(groans) Bye, now.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, wait!

Where are you going?

Hey. I thought you were crippled.

Right.

(grunts)

That makes more sense.

Mm-hmm.

Get me some Hump Cola! It's all I have left!

No!

You can be cured.

By you.

Huh?

What?

Me?

Huh?

What?

With this.

My DVD.

Do you want to turn your life around?

I'm Nils Vildervaan.

That's me.

Sometimes life can feel like climbing uphill, but flip the image... and climbing uphill can feel like climbing downhill. and for the record, I'm a certified mountaineer.

(up-tempo music plays)

Whoo-hoo!

Always remember to put one foot in front of the other, and keep on rollin'!

You got this, Disco Duck!

(mid-tempo guitar music plays)

I'm cured.

Oh!

Whoo-hoo!

That is great.

I want to thank you all so much.

If you hadn't forced me to watch me help myself, then I wouldn't have gotten better.

I really owe you one.

Well, what do you say you buy us all a coke?

Oh, no!

Maybe the one without cocaine.

(laughter)

Okay!

(laughs)

I do, uh, miss that soda.

It was always my dream.

It was a delicious beverage.

Hey, guys.

Oh. Hey, Chief.

So, um... what's going on?

Turns out, without the cola in your hump, the investors didn't really see the value in what we were doing, so...

Yeah, we had to sell off everything just to break even.

Well...

This one right here, guys.

What?

Let's go, ma'am.

We sold you to the Coca-Cola Company.

And please believe us -- this was not our first choice.

But they were by far the highest bidder.

Well, what do they want with me?

Honestly, if we knew that, we probably wouldn't have sold you, but we don't, so we did.

Have a great time in Atlanta.

(sighs)

♪

(coughing)

It's the real thing.

Pepsi can never know.

Guys?

Aah!

Ow!

Got to get this suit off ASAP.

(grunts)