01x07 - The Fixer

[bunniefuu]

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

So, Mike and Martina, let's talk about why you're seeking therapy today.

She made me.

What are you writing?

Mike.

He's just taking notes.

(CHUCKLES) He's writing about you now.

You don't know that.

Are you?

Let's get back to why you're here.

Yes.

We're here about a dilemma Mike's facing.

It all began when I was counseling a mother and daughter who were having some problems since they moved in together.

(BRITISH ACCENT) I just can't control her.

Coming in at all hours, drinking, loud music, an endless parade of men.

I'm just having a little fun.

Well, adult parents and children living together again does present a lot of challenges.

It certainly does.

That stupid accent!

It's not a choice.

You married a British man and raised me in London.

(IMITATING A BRITISH ACCENT) Raised me in London.

Who talks like that?

Everyone in London!

Can you even understand her?

Mom, major emergency.

Stella!

I'm in session.

You know I've said not to come in when the door is closed.

Yeah, but you also said you're sad you don't have enough patients, so sometimes you just come in here to cry, so...

Stella, whatever it is, we'll deal with it later.

Oh, sorry about that.

Now, let's get back...

Martina!

I don't feel so good.

Whoa, whoa.

Yes, I was a little under the weather, but that is not how it happened.

Mike, what are you doing out of bed?

You're deathly ill.

Yes, I am, but that wood isn't gonna chop itself.

That is not how it went.

Although I would like you to chop that wood.

It's a lot of work.

Martina!

That's my husband.

He's not feeling well, and you know how men get.

She doesn't.

Ugh.

This again.

She's a virgin.

I am not a virgin.

It can lapse!

Like a driver's license.

That's ridiculous.

I was married up until ten years ago.

I will admit it has been a while.

There are cobwebs down there.

Stop pushing me, Mother.

I'll go out again when I'm ready.

Look, we really don't mind if you need to tend to your family.

Your daughter did say it was an emergency.

Well, thank you.

I'm sure it's nothing, but I will be right back.

It must be nice to have a daughter who needs you and wants your advice.

You don't give me advice, just insults.

I don't insult you.

Just this morning you asked me which mortician d*ed and left me his clothes.

A genuine question.

All right, what's the big emergency?

This is tough, Mom.

Have you ever heard of Lou Gehrig's disease?

Yes. Oh, my God, Stella.

Well, there's a play about it, and I have an audition.

But I told them I could do accents, and I can't.

Mom, help.

It's the first day of my internship, and I'm freaking out.

Which outfit says, "Take my seriously, damn it, but I'm a little fun."

The left one.

Oh, and you, Google "accents" and do what they say, then Google "real problems" and pay attention.

Oh, I am so sorry for that interruption.

Where's your mother?

She went to help your husband.

What?

Is this helping you?

I'm not sure.

It's sure helping me.

Sandy, what are you doing in here?

She showed up and started rubbing VapoRub on my chest.

And...

I just went with it.

This is wrong. You can't be here.

I'm your therapist.

Oh, not anymore.

This poor man needs me.

That's my job.

I think I can take care of my husband.

So why aren't you feeding him?

Feed a cold; starve a fever.

I could eat.

How do chocolate chip pancakes sound?

Could you make the chocolate chips into a smiley face?

With a whipped cream beard.

That sounds good.

Can we keep her?

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Excuse me.

When I was in here before, I noticed you do a great British accent.

It's just how I talk.

Okay, you don't have to brag about how easy it is for you.

Anyway, I have a play audition tomorrow, so I could I follow you around tonight and learn how to talk like you?

I mean, you don't have, like, a date or anything, do you?

No.

(CHUCKLES)

No dates for me.

(CHUCKLES)

It's kind of your own fault.

You're like the girl in a teen move who's ugly until she takes her glasses off, and then she's hot.

Huh...

That must just be in the movies.

Anyway, I can help, okay?

You teach me to talk like a Brit, and I will make you over.

I must say I'm intrigued.

(IN A COCKNEY ACCENT) I must say I'm intrigued!

We've got a lot of work to do.

Oh, don't put yourself down.

You're not that unattractive.

♪ ♪

Oh, these pancakes are so good.

(MOANS)

Even sick, you're an attractive man.

What the hell's going on, son?

Son?

So that's where you get it.

You need to get out of bed so we can go watch the game.

I got a cold.

Typical.

I don't get colds.

I felt one coming on once, but I told it to screw, and that was the end of it.

I could listen to you telling things to screw all night.

Who is this?

Dad, this is Sandy.

She's a little tiny angel, and I'm keeping her.

Go watch the game with Alice.

Alice is at Bible study again, and apparently I'm not allowed to join.

I didn't want my husband to go to my Bible study either.

Why not?

Because I wasn't there.

I was having an affair.

Well, Alice is not having an affair.

She's studying the good book.

When she comes home from Bible study, she's full of the Spirit.

Flushed and satisfied.

Happy... tired...

Good God, I have to investigate.

I have an idea how you can get back at her!

He'll be back.

Hi, I'm Shea Moore, the new intern.

I'm Nate Johnson, the other new intern.

Nice to meet you.

Whoa... (LAUGHS) what are we gonna do about this?

What "this"?

The obvious sexual tension between us.

(GIGGLING) Well, I don't see how it could be obvious.

Nice try. Your breath is shallow.

The capillaries in your cheeks are reddening, and your pupils are dilating.

Yeah, I'm also an MD. I was a triple major.

They told me I couldn't do that!

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

They told me I couldn't park my motorcycle in my room.

Did I listen to them? I don't know.

Ask the grease stains on my carpet.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

A bad boy.

Look, let's just reduce this equation down to the lowest terms.

Honestly, every cell in my being is just screaming to make love to you.

They are?

I'm not gonna let that happen.

What?

No, this internship's too important to the both of us.

We're astrophysicists.

We're not gonna let our biology screw this up.

Yeah, I'm funny too. You're doomed.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God! You're still here.

Why are you still here?

Good genes, I guess.

She's making me pie. Don't be mad, Martina.

She's just taking care of me.

I take care of you.

Yeah, but then I have to take care of you back.

Hello, all.

Sweetheart, how was your first day at the new job?

It was great, except there's a fellow intern who is... well, I don't know how to put this.

You want to have sex with him.

Sandy!

No, she's right.

Honey, workplace romances can be really risky.

What if he's the love of her life?

She's 23.

How can this guy possibly be the love of her life?

We got married at 23.

We had to.

I met the love of my life at 23... and 47... and 65...

I'm just saying be smart.

And I'm just saying there are other variables.

Mom, as always, your advice is spot-on, but this lady's advice is a little bit better and seems like it might get me laid.

And I am, sadly, only human.

(BELL DINGS)

Oh, who wants pie?

I do.

Pie? There's pie?

Okay, Sandy, time to go home.

Do you need a lift? Should I call an Uber?

A horse-and-buggy?

I'm not going anywhere.

What?

Your family needs me.

I'm filling a vacuum.

By the way, I vacuumed.

I mean, obviously, as a therapist, I could see that she was projecting her relationship issues with her daughter onto us.

Oh, stop showing off.

And since I couldn't reason with Sandy, I decided to talk to her daughter Gwen who had spent the day with Stella.

(IN A COCKNEY ACCENT) 'Ello, Mum, fancy a pint?

It's me, Stella.

(IN A COCKNEY ACCENT) Do I make you 'orny?

I'm your mother.

I'm practicing my new accent.

Gwen and I watched some British films about that Austin Powers guy.

Well, where is Gwen? I need to talk to her.

She's in the loo.

That's British for toilet!

They have a word for everything over there.

Hello, Martina.

Wow, you look amazing!

I feel like a whole new woman!

Between Stella's makeover and not having my mum around, I've never been happier.

That being said, wouldn't you like to have your mom around?

God, no.

But she's driving me crazy.

What I'm hearing sounds like a you problem.

You know, it's amazing what not being insulted 24 hours a day does to your self-esteem.

Gwen, as a professional therapist, let me just say this is no fair!

(PHONE CHIMES)

Whoa, warehouse party.

It's starting right now, and the Snapchats are dope.

Whatever that is, it sounds like exactly what I need.

Oh, behave!

That means we're not gonna behave.

Well, after the party, how about you come by and pick up your mother?

If you agree, walk out the door without saying anything!

Oh, looks like it's time for me to go to Bible study.

Again?

You just went last night.

Oh, it's a long book, Bob.

So what have you been studying?

Obadiah 1:9.

Oh, come on. You made that up.

There's no such thing as Obadiah 1:9.

Yes, there is.

We read that passage at our wedding.

Oh, yeah.

Greatest day of my life.

Alice. Hmm?

Whatever you do, never forget I'm an ex-cop.

I'm trained to see things other men don't see.

I notice things other men don't notice.

I hear things other men don't hear.

Nothing gets by me, my love.

Nothing.

Oh... your wedding vow!

But really, I got to go!

♪ ♪

So I say we evaluate our potential relationship as if it were any other scientific dilemma.

God, you're perfect.

I'm glad you think so. I'll factor that in.

Well, there it is.

49% we should act on our attraction, 51% we shouldn't.

Did we factor in my new leather jacket?

Yes, right here.

I was hoping it would change things too.

See you tomorrow, platonic co-worker.

Please don't look back.

Please don't look back.

Damn it.

Good-bye, bad boy.

(SIGHS)

Wasn't this a good idea?

Absolutely.

Close to the kitchen, bigger TV.

I'm feeling much better.

It's nice to be needed.

Let's drink our tea.

That's whiskey.

Is it?

You know, my mother used to spoil me like this when I was sick. Drove my dad nuts.

She was a bit of a free spirit.

One time she pulled me out of school because it was too nice a day to stay inside.

Where's your mother now?

I don't know. She left when I was a kid.

She was more into causes and movements than marriage and motherhood.

She's reached out a few times, but...

I didn't want it.

What kind of a mother leaves her little boy?

Exactly.

I feel a little tired.

What the (BLEEP)!

Shh. I just got him down.

What the hell's going on here?

What? What happened?

The bad lady woke you up.

That's it, Sandy.

I cannot take this for one second longer.

Get out of my house! Nobody wants you here!

I need to talk to Sandy.

Sandy, I need to talk to you.

No, me first.

Nate and I ran all the variables, and it said we shouldn't be together, and now I'm miserable.

That's nothing.

Sandy, I went to the church, and Alice isn't at Bible study at all!

You know what? That's it, guys.

Stop.

She's mine.

There's the adulteress.

Shame.

What?

The wife is black?

Oh, I didn't picture that.

What did you picture?

Me.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!

I've got to talk to my mother.

Those are my suitcases.

They are!

I've discovered a new me, and she's better without you.

I always thought I'd put you in a home.

Turns out, it's this one.

Fine. I'll live here forever.

That's enough.

I am gonna take care of all of this right now.

First, Shea, g*n to your head, what's the most important thing to you right now?

Getting the g*n away from my head.

No, don't think, just react.

Your career or this boy?

My career.

There's your answer.

Bob.

(GRUNTS)

Stop projecting your fears on to Alice and just ask her where she's been going.

All right, Jezebel... where have you been going?

Fine, I'll confess.

I've been going bowling.

Bowling!

Yeah, I didn't want to tell you because the team doesn't want you back this year.

You yell at everybody. You made Denise cry.

Well, she's a terrible player.

She's in a wheelchair.

I thought they liked to be treated the same!

Okay, bottom line is Alice is not having an affair.

Good to know. Well, enjoy my mother.

No, no, no! Wait.

You say you're "a new me"?

But isn't that what your mother's been telling you all along?

That you need to fix yourself up and get yourself out there again?

I suppose.

And Sandy, what do you think of this new Gwen?

You look like...

What?

A poorly dressed mannequin?

An ad for a depressing dating website for the elderly divorced?

A hooker from Cleveland?

Just say it!

You look beautiful and happy.

Well, thank you.

You see? It's simple.

Sandy, Gwen wants to feel supported and loved.

And Gwen, your mom wants to feel needed.

I do need you.

And I love you.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, my God.

Emergency, you guys.

They've changed the part.

It's a southern accent now.

Stella, we really need to discuss the meaning of the word "emergency."

(IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT) Stella, we really need to discuss the meaning of the word emergency.

(IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT) What?

That's not how I sound!

(IMITATING HER) What?

That's not how I sound!

She has you nailed.

Let's go home.

Or we could go back to that warehouse party.

Lot of men there.

Anyone my age?

No.

Let's hit it.

♪ ♪

How you feeling?

Physically, better, but I miss Sandy being here.

It's nice having one of those older ladies in the house who takes care of you.

A mother?

Yeah, one of those.

Well, do you think maybe what you're really missing is your own mother?

Maybe.

You could get in touch with her.

I'm still angry.

You can be angry at someone and still miss them.

Like Mel Gibson.

I'm angry at him, but I kind of miss his movies.

He would have been great in "Taken."

You know what Liam Neeson's taken?

Mel Gibson's parts.

Do you think maybe you're deflecting... to avoid talking about something painful?

Martina, I really don't want to be therap-ized by you.

So that's what brought us to you, to discuss whether or not Mike should get in touch with his mother.

I see.

Mike, what we need to do now is explore all the difficult and contradictory feelings that come into play when making such a potentially life-changing decision.

Yeah, I don't want to do all that.

I'll just call her.

♪ ♪

(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)

Hey, Mom, it's Mike.

Your son.

It's, uh... been a long time.

Maybe too long a time.

So if you get this, please give me a call.

Martina, I know you're listening at the door.

Not listening.

Just here in case you need me.

Well, what I said was...

I heard the whole thing.

Look, I don't know if it was the right number or if I'll ever hear from her, but I am glad that I did it, so thanks.

You take good care of us.

♪ ♪

Well, Nate Johnson, I look forward to our professional relationship together.

So do I, Shea Moore.

It seems there's one variable we neglected to consider, which is that... that was awesome.

We should consider it again.

♪ ♪