01x10 - How to Survive Your Parents' Visit

[bunniefuu]

When you're in your 20's a visit from your parents can be so overwhelming... it could feel like you're drowning.

Did I say "feel like"?

I meant actually drowning.

(screaming)

Sorry.

I thought something touched my leg.

My name is Cooper Barrett. My friends and I are here to mess up our lives so you don't have to.

Woman (over phone): Oh! (moaning)

Yeah.

Man: Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

(moaning)

Oh, my God.

I was watching that.

What time is it?

Noon.

Damn.

What are we, farmers? Go back to sleep.

I thought we weren't drinking last night.

We weren't, but then you pointed out we had all those beers, and Barry said we should drink them.

That tracks.

Guys, my parents are coming in for their anniversary party and their flight gets in in, like, six hours and they're gonna want to come by here on their way to Josh's, so can we clean this place up so they finally think I have my act together?

(door opens)

Oh, I don't think that's possible, Coop.

Mom, Dad.

Amazing.

Sorry about all the mess.

We were celebrating the launch of the new, uh, Web site for the-for the company.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Neal, show them.

Yeah.

Pretty excited about this one. Here we go.

Uh, the name of your Web site is "MILF Smack"?

(woman moaning)

Nope, that is not what it's supposed to be called. I can't...

Probably get more business that way.

N-no, you got to press that... What are you... Hey!

How was the flight?

It was good.

Did Josh not tell you we were coming early?

I guess he must have forgotten.

Did I? Hmm.

Cooper...

(squishing)

Oh, I got a situation here.

Cindy: Oh, what a shame.

I got it. Yeah.

That's gonna...

Sorry, Dad.

That's, uh...

Now, Cooper, when I was your age I had this friend, Lefty, and he was always inviting me out for a cold one, but I was too busy raising a family and defending our great country.

Then one day, I stopped by his apartment and his roommates answered... he didn't have a wife... and they told me that ol' Lefty drank himself to death.

Great story, Dad.

Great story.

Yeah, Josh... can I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah.

Admit it, you intentionally didn't tell me they were coming 'cause you wanted me to look bad.

(laughing): Why would I do that?

I don't know.

W-why would you call Mom and Dad when I'm throwing a party and tell them the house was on fire?

Because the house was on fire.

I had it mostly contained.

Coop, come on, man, I brought them over here because I'm trying to keep Mom and Leslie away from each other.

It's still tense because of the incident.

(screams)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Get out!

That was seven years ago.

Well, Leslie can't even get into the car without knocking first.

I don't even understand how.

Barry: Hey, how are you ladies doing?

I'm Barry Sandel.

This is my boy, Neal.

Woman: Who's a bad boy?

(whip cracks)

Yeah, you are.

What the hell are you doing?

Great, now I don't know how that's gonna end.

Dude.

How much of this stuff are you watching a day on your phone?

That genre specifically?

You know you got a problem, right?

Neal!

What?

Sorry, I was thinking about p*rn again. What were you saying?

Look, I'll tell you what. For the next 48 hours, you can not watch any p*rn.

If I catch you watching some p*rn, I'm gonna hit you upside your head with a pillowcase full of oranges.

I'm in.

(grunts)

Kelly: I know what it's like to have a father who's hard to live up to.

My dad is one of the top physical therapists in the country.

My dad was a fighter pilot, who flew Air Force One and ended up saving the President's life.

Twice.

My dad won an award for shoulder impingement relief, so...

(laughs)

Sometimes I feel like my dad wishes I was exactly like my older brother, but that might just be because we have the same name, and they only decided to have another kid after first Neal d*ed in a car accident.

Look, there are a million reasons that your dad should be proud of you.

You have great friends, and you started your dream company from scratch that actually has potential.

And you coined the term, "To the max."

Yeah, I definitely didn't coin that, Neal.

Huh, well, maybe your dad is right.

Thing is, my dad's really old school.

He just measures success in-in-in concrete terms, which is why Josh, with his career and his family, is totally winning.

Okay, where's your dad right now?

Uh, at Josh's house with food poisoning.

The rest of the family went up to Santa Barbara for the night.

Okay, here's what you do: you go over, and you sit him down, and explain exactly what it is you're doing.

There's no way he's not gonna be impressed.

W-what about, "Raise the roof?"

It's not mine either, man.

Well, another crappy day for second Neal.

Okay, it's bad enough you drove me over here.

You don't have to come and talk to my father with me.

No, I just want to make sure you're not gonna chicken out.

(sighs) You really give me no credit, do you?

No.

Do you want to get a froyo?

Cooper...

How am I supposed to impress a guy who's basically a saint?

(music playing)

Dad?

(glass shatters)

You're not pizza.

(chatter, laughter)

Cooper, I haven't been honest with you.

- Is this a gay thing?

Whoa, is this a gay thing?

It's not a gay thing. No one's gay.

I'm gay.

No way, Jerry, hey.

Thanks.

Happy for you.

What is happening? Who are these people?

Uh, these are just some guys I put together for a poker game.

Since when do you drink or gamble?

Not long.

Eight to ten months... before your brother was born.

Wait, my whole life I've been trying to live up to your perfect example.

How do you think I feel?

I had to sneak around and tell lies to people to have any fun whatsoever.

Plus, you almost b*rned our house to the ground.

I had it mostly contained!

Okay, look, I was wrong to keep this from you.

From now on, no more lies.

Okay, so Mom knows about this?

What are you, nuts? She'd k*ll me.

And don't tell Josh.

He wouldn't understand.

That guy's never partied a day in his life.

(laughing): Yeah, right.

I mean, yeah, right.

This is a lot to process.

I-I don't know what to do.

How about sharing a beer with your old man for the first time?

♪ Hit 'em high, hit 'em high, hit 'em high ♪

All right.

♪ Throw your hands up and reach for the sky... ♪

(cheering)

That's my boy.

♪ Hit 'em low, hit 'em low, hit 'em low... ♪

(cheering and whooping)

So, it's third and one, they're showing blitz, and suddenly I realize...

I'm into dudes.

(shouting and laughter)

Great story, Jerry!

♪ ♪

Hey, how was Santa Barbara?

What the hell happened here?

This place is a total disaster.

Yeah, it looks like a giant dump.

(screaming)

I mean, untidy.

Hey.

You're back early.

What is going on?

Well...

Uh...

I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here, uh... while Dad was, you know, getting over his sickness in-in-in the guesthouse, I saw an opportunity to throw myself a rager.

This is not your house.

So untidy.

It's exactly what it looks like happened.

Untidy.

The worst uncle ever.

(sighs)

We are really disappointed in you, Cooper.

BARRY: For the next 48 hours, you cannot watch any p*rn.

(clears throat)

(sighs)

Barry!

Man: Is there a problem, ma'am?

Woman: My car broke down and I could sure use a ride.

(shouts)

You're lucky these are mandarins.

No more p*rn.

Leslie: Wow, your dad's really laying it onto Cooper.

(laughing): Yeah, I know. Isn't it great?

I love you so much for taking that b*llet.

I love you, too, Dad.

Yeah, you really made me proud today.

Josh: Wow, he is really sticking it to him.

You are officially my favorite son.

Dad...

Just don't... they're looking. They're still looking.

Hey, when can we hang out again?

Um...

My friends and I are going to a big blowout party in Venice tonight.

Ah, I'd love to, but I can't.

Leslie's making that God-awful polenta tonight.

You know, if I was gonna miss two family functions in a row, I'd have to lay it on pretty thick.

Well, you're in luck, Dad.

Laying it on pretty thick is what I do.

I'm getting you out of that dinner.

Hey, Dad, check it out.

I had this scrapbook made of the family.

Oh, yeah?

Come on.

(both chuckling)

Look at this.

Yeah.

This is all you and me.

Yeah, only the best moments.

Ah.

(phone ringing)

Honey, I think that's your phone.

Ah, darn it, I meant to turn the thing off.

Can you get it for me, honey?

Hi, uh, this is Mark Barrett's phone.

(in deep voice): Tell him it's Simion Bradshaw calling.

I think it's a client.

I am not interested. I'm having a lovely dinner with my family.

You know, if something was gonna pull me away from this dinner, it would have to be really important, like the McKinley project.

I've flown to Los Angeles to discuss the McKinley project.

(car horn beeping)

Bought it, hook, line and sinker.

All: Yes!

All (chanting): Mr.B.!

Yes!

All: Mr. B., Mr. B.!

Cooper.

Neal: Man, I feel weird.

My body's all tingly.

That's 'cause you haven't watched p*rn all day.

It's your chi, your sexual energy.

I'm gonna talk to these girls.

(women laughing)

There you go.

Pardon me, uh...

Can I borrow your phone to watch p*rn?

Ew.

Let's go.

(Neal shouts)

To the McKinley project!

The McKinley project!

The project!

All: Mmm.

More.

Oh.

No.

It's so good to see you bonding with your dad.

I know, right?

It's, like, the first time I don't feel like I'm in Josh's shadow.

Guys.

What are you doing here?

W-what do you mean? I'm here to party.

Josh, what...

Dad.

Oh, my God, you caught me.

I caught you? I caught you doing what?

Well, I might as well come clean.

Dad, I have been pretending to be this responsible family man, but the truth is, I spend a lot of time partying with Cooper and his friends.

I'm sorry.

Don't be.

I'm the same way.

There wasn't any business meeting tonight.

Get out, what are you saying?

I'm saying, "Like father, like son."

Ah.

Ah, perfect.

How you doing? Attaboy.

(laughing)

Oh, Dad, this sounds incredible.

Yeah. DJ'ing is so much easier than I thought.

They're not even doing anything.

I mean, t-the music's playing from someone's phone.

I know, but the vibe is theirs.

It's like they two peas in a pod.

Cooper: I should be one of those peas.

Cooper, get in there.

You're above this competition with your brother. Apologize.

Ah, oh, you're right.

I should just be the adult.

Go.

Josh, can I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah, cool.

What is it, Coop?

Dad can only tease the b*at drop for so long.

You know, I just... I feel like we've been really competitive about Dad.

I guess, I feel like...

(Josh shouts)

Josh: Hey!

(singsong): Bye.

♪ ♪

Wait, I just had a thought.

If Josh is here, that means Leslie and Mom are alone.

(record scratches)

Dear, God.

Oh.

(coughs)

(gentle music plays)

Look at all this food.

And it's just the two of us.

Yeah.

This edamame salad is out of this world.

Is that spice cumin?

Mm.

Do you want to get high?

Yeah.

I'm so glad you came up to me.

It's like you stepped out of my dreams.

It's like you stepped out of my phone.

Oh, Neal.

(chuckles)

That'll do, oranges.

That'll do.

I'm telling you, Reginald, when I get out of here I'm gonna k*ll Cooper.

This would be better if I had some sort of marker.

(door creaks open)

(laughing quietly)

(clattering)

(woman giggles)

Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.

Partygoers: Go, go, go, go, go.

Yeah, Dad, Dad...

(screams)

Dad, Dad, Dad!

Go, go, go!

Dad, Dad, Dad!

Do it, Dad.

(cheering)

Yeah, baby!

Wow, I'm drunker than I thought.

(laughs)

Hey, when I get back from the bathroom, I'm spotting you.

You got it, Dad.

He's the best, right?

Hey, pushing someone in the pool in the age of cell phones is not funny.

Oh, really, because I thought it was pretty hilarious.

You would do anything to make me look bad in front of Dad.

You make it pretty easy.

Okay, it is on.

No, no, no, little brother...

Yeah. now it's on.

Do something.

Fight!

That's not what I had in mind.

I am gonna serve you up.

Yeah?

Yeah!

I'm gonna embarrass you in front of all your friends.

Yeah, yeah?

Yeah!

Well, Barry's gonna tape this and send it to all your co-workers.

Oh, yeah, I'll get in close and choppy, like it's a Hunger Game.

Let's maybe see some actual punching.

Stop directing their fight, bro.

Stop calling me bro, bro.

Partygoer: It's a real fight, thank God!

(people hollering and cheering)

Screw this, it's ridiculous.

You're ridiculous.

(mumbling incoherently)

Oh, okay.

I solved it.

You need to walk in on me.

(both laughing)

And then I'm all like, I'm like, I'm like... (screams)

(laughs) Yeah, and I'm all like, (deep voice): Get out! Get out!

(both laughing)

Oh, my God, I'm a genius.

Hey, do you want to write a novel?

Yeah, like right now.

(phone ringing)

What do you want?

Well, I just want to tell you a few things.

One, I am still mad at you, and two, please have Dad at the anniversary party by 5:00.

What's that supposed to mean? He's with you.

What do you mean, Dad's with me?

Dad's not with me. I took the high road last night and left him at the party with you.

No, I took the high road and left him with you.

Ha, ha, Cooper, that's not funny. He is certainly not here.

Oh, my God.

You lost Dad.

You lost Dad.

Yeah, Mom, Dad's fine. He's with us.

I'm looking at him right now.

He's, uh, he's got gray hair, glasses...

You know what he looks like.

Yeah, we'll have him back in time for the party.

Guaranteed.

Okay, bye.

This is all your fault.

This is your fault.

You want to go?

Please.

Fight, fight, fight!

Nobody's fighting.

Your dad's not outside.

He's not in that creepy basement.

It's just boxes.

(clears throat)

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me, sir.

Hey, burn out, wake up.

We're looking for our dad. He's about six foot tall, salt-of-the-earth good looks, and by far the oldest person at this party.

Oh, I wish I could help you, man, but I don't remember a lot.

Things got pretty hazy after Juicy J showed up.

Are you saying that Oscar-winning rapper Juicy J was here, and I missed it?

Yeah, here, he freestyled for the whole party. Check it out.

(people cheering)

Hey, it's Dad.

Both: ♪ They ain't gonna be loyal ♪
♪ Not for anybody ♪
♪ Still I love these bros ♪

Whoa, your dad sucks.

Yeah, that guy... he left with Juicy.

All right, so I guess we need to talk to Juicy J.

How do we find where he lives?

You guys...

I'm a property lawyer.

I think I could pull a simple address.

(Barry chuckles)

This should be it.

After this, should we go to Bette Midler's house?

Uh, duh.

So, just turn it.

You know, I still haven't heard anything about Mark, and I'm starting to get a little nervous.

Okay.

I have a mild sativa in there that'll calm you down... and maybe inspire you to pick up guitar.

(both laugh) You know, by the way, I reread the fantasy novel we outlined last night.

Oh.

Let me tell you, even in the cold, hard light of day, this thing is fantastic.

Okay.

"A Hero's Lament, by Cindy and Leslie Barrett."

Yay!

(chuckles)

"We open on a bog in a land where magic decides the fates of men."

Gosh, that's good.

It's good.

That is, right?

That's really...

God, there's so much sex in this.

Now, Kelly, be cool, be cool.

Juicy J is not gonna think you're awesome, if you're not cool.

You good?

Yeah.

(laughing hysterically)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Yo, tight crib, playa. Tight crib.

Always good to see a brother on top, you know.

Yo, check it, I'm Kelly, this is my squad.

Kelly, take a walk.

Yeah, I'm already gone.

Sorry to bother you, Mr. J, it's just, uh, o-our dad is missing and we have reason to believe he may have been with you last night, uh...

You don't know a Mark Barrett, do you?

M-Bone? The Aviator?

Hell yeah, I know that fool.

"The Aviator" is trending on Twitter.

Yeah, so, w-where is this Aviator now?

Man, that guy's crazy.

He wanted to party all night, but I had to be up early.

You know, the farmers market, they run out of strawberries around 8:00.

Oh, my God, my-my wife and I love the heirloom tomatoes.

Yeah!

Yeah, they're so good, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, shi...

Josh, could we just, please.

You know what it is.

But look, the last time I saw The Aviator, he was asking me for the keys to my Jet Ski.

Uh... Mr. J, you wouldn't happen to have a pair of binoculars, would you?

A pair? (scoffs)

Whoa.

Wow.

You guys have everything in excess.

Come on, where is he?

I'm gonna find him.

Josh: These aren't working, no?

How do you focus them?

I got him! I got him!

What?

Let me see.

Guys, call the... call the coast guard!

I found him.

Let me see it.

Get off.

Dad!

I'm coming for you!

Get out of my way.

I'm coming, Dad!

We're coming for you, Dad!

I'm coming to save you, Papa!

I'm coming, Dad!

Let's go, let's go.

Would you help, please?

You're folding your jeans... are you serious?

Do you know how much I paid for these?!

(Cooper groaning)

Josh: I've got you.

I got you, Dad!

Coming, Dad.

Hey!

Josh: I'm here to save you!

Come on, faster.

I'm trying.

Juicy's Jet Ski is garbage!

Jump.

Whoa!

Careful. I've got you. Hang on.

Dad, I have you, hold on.

Hold on.

I'm good, I'm holding.

(grunts)

I'm good.

Dad, I have you. I've saved you.

Thanks, babe.

(Josh panting)

Where's your brother?

(Cooper screams)

♪ I'm looking up ♪

(Cindy laughing)

♪ Baby, I've been down... ♪

I don't know what it is, but I fell for you the minute I saw you.

Yeah?

(laughing): Yeah.

There was, like, an energy drawing us together, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, I felt it, too.

Yeah, you did it.

48 hours, and thanks to me, you've met this lovely, young...

Woman (on phone): Yes! Yes! Yes!

Bye.

What...

Okay, he clearly has a problem.

I'm Barry.

I'm sorry I get so competitive with you over Dad.

Ah...

It's just...

I guess I never totally got over the fact you're his favorite, you know.

What are you talking about?

No, come on.

You're the lawyer, you got the family.

You've lived up to every expectation he's ever had.

Coop, are you kidding me? You're his favorite.

You're the fun one.

Mark: Oh.

I am sorry for everything I put you boys through.

Maybe I shouldn't have kept so many secrets, but on the other hand, you've both turned out to be the most amazing young men.

Aw, thanks, Dad.

Who's more amazing?

Come on.

So, what have we learned?

Well, p*rn can be addictive.

Juicy J loves binoculars.

And if you think you know exactly how your family sees you, think again, because the very things they give you a hard time about might just bring you closer together.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

Juicy J.

♪ ♪

My boy The Aviator and his wife, Cindy, are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.

♪ These bros ♪
♪ They for everybody ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Pass them all around ♪
♪ They at every party ♪

♪ Every party ♪

Boy, your father's not looking too well.

Really?

For a man who parties as much as he does, he sure can't hold his liquor.

Wait, you've known about Dad this whole time?

(chuckles) I'm not stupid.

Just don't tell him, though, that'll be our little secret.

You want to know another secret?

You have always been my favorite.

(chuckles)

Okay, so now I'm going to smoke some trees with your sister-in-law.

Where's Leslie?

Woman (on phone): Yes! Yes! Yes!

Neal!

Neal: Get out!

Does anybody lock doors around here?