01x06 - Retreat

[bunniefuu]

Hello.

Hello. So, this is your place.

Yeah. Tell me again why we're not meeting at the garage.

I wanted to see your place.

Grab my bag.

Yeah. Soph--

Jesus. Oh, my God.

Sophie, you know this event we're going to, this retreat, it's one night only.

What's one night?

I--

I can't knock if it's open.

Impossible to pack for upstate.

What's upstate?

Nothing's upstate. It's 35 minutes away.

What's 35 minutes away?

You know that we're not talking to you, right?

I didn't realize you were doc's roommate.

I didn't know you had a roommate.

He's my neighbor.

Oh, best friend.

How sweet.

Okay. Soph, let's, uh, get going.

Where are we goin'?

Annual psych department retreat.

Every year, the head of the department invites four of his professors to his estate.

An estate.

Professor Harty's country home is no joke.

He built it with his ex-wife... [WHISPERS] And then she left him.

And Irvington is totally charming.

Soph, I would rather shove bamboo shards underneath my thumbnails.

I'd rather not have sex with a goat but have everyone think I had sex with a goat.

I'd rather slide down a razor blade into a vat of lemon juice.

I'd rather get a blow job from a shark.

I'd rather watch that episode of "the Flintstones" where they meet the Jetsons on a loop for infinity.

I'd rather have penises lined up my back like a stegosaurus.

I would think you'd be happy to go someplace nice.

Irvington?

Are you saying my apartment isn't nice?

No. It's just not what I expected.

Irvington, New York?

Are you making some sort of judgment about my apartment, Soph?

You know I grew up in Dobbs Ferry.

It's nice. I just-- it's so nice, I just thought maybe it's-- it's very nice.

Dobbs Ferry is, like, one town over from Irvington.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Let's leave this really nice apartment and get going.

Where's the car again?

It's Jeremy's car, and it's in a lot way up town.

Great rates.

Thank you, Jeremy.

You're driving to Irvington?

I am because someone let his license lapse.

I haven't been home in like two years.

Why not? It's so close. What, family drama?

I don't drive, either.

Or take a train or ride a bus?

Yeah, why don't you go home ever?

I can't. Mother.

"I can't. Mother."

Doc, you want to get in on this?

No, I don't.

I'm gonna get my bag, and then we're really gonna leave.

So, you're single.

Who-- who-- who's asking?

Men who have bad relationships with their mothers have bad relationships.

I love my mother.

What did she do?

Did she take away the nipple too soon?

Did she smother you?

Did she disapprove of a girlfriend?

She sent me to the wolves at boarding school at the age of 15, so...

How old are you now?

How old do I look?

You look like a big boy.

We're gonna drop you at home.

No, no, no. I'm cool.

How old is your mother?

What?

What if she dies before you make amends?

We're dropping Carter in Dobbs Ferry.

No, I-I'm--

Grab my bag.

No, I'm not--

No point in arguing.

She's made up her mind. She's like a pit bull.

Yeah. I'll grab some stuff.

Grab that big, will ya?

[GRUNTS]

Carter, it's got wheels.

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Oh, my love, let me be your fire ♪
♪ We're a thousand miles up and I'm about to get higher ♪
♪ Feel my heart b*ating out my chest ♪
♪ You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed ♪
♪ Singing oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ You make me feel blessed, you make me feel blessed ♪
♪ You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed ♪
♪

Sophie, I think we're completely lost.

Sophie: Look, it's right down here.

I'm sure we're here.

Does-- this looks kind of familiar, right?

FEMALE VOICE: Turn right.

[GROANS]

I did turn right. I did turn right.

Rerouting.

Rerouting? Are you kidding me?

Make a left on Visdale.

What? What? Is she even speaking English?

You're not speaking English.

Do you want me to do it for you?

No.

This is between me and her.

Rerouting.

What? I'm gonna k*ll her. Grrr!

Okay. I think we just missed the-- we just missed the--

Shut up.

Rerouting.

Sophie.

What?

Rerouting.

Jackson: She's rerouting you.

Rerouting.

Take next left.

I hate you, whorebag!

Turn left.

She's saying make a left.

Sophie, she's saying make a left.

Turn left.

Left. That was the left. That was the left.

So you know, left does not mean right.

Rerouting.

I took your f*cking turn, bitch!

Hey, look.

We already passed that house like four times.

There's big Ben and parliament.

Sophie: That's hilarious.

You're gonna take her side, Mr. I-can't-even-drive- because-i-let-my-license-lapse?

Make a u-turn. Make a u-turn.

U-turn. U-turn.

At...

At what?

At what?

At...

U-turn at what?

Make a u-turn at what?

[GPS CUTS OUT]

Oh, no.

I think it's dead. She d*ed.

Finito la commedia.

Can one of you just pull out your phone and figure out where we are?

You know what? I didn't charge my phone. It's dead.

Ah!

I don't have a signal.

I am turning off this f*cking radio and pulling over now!

We're gonna be so late to professor Harty's.

Jackson: Yeah. The later the better.

That means less time there, right?

It's pink.

[SIGHS] What's pink?

What's pink?

It's pink. My mother painted it pink.

That house is your house?

It's the one that we drove by 17 times in the last 40 minutes.

Are you kidding me?

It's so pink.

Carter, get out of the car.

Have fun.

♪

Hello?

MAN ON TV:...Is the ability to play and experiment.

Hi.

Obviously, when you called, I was surprised.

Hello, mother.

Hello, Terrence.

It's Carter. I've been Carter for 20 years.

Carter is your middle name, not your first.

Yes, but everyone calls me Carter.

Not everyone, Terrence.

Uh, the house is-- is pink.

Well, you didn't go color-blind from diabetes, so I won't worry too much about the weight you put on.

People go color-blind from diabetes?

In terms of preservation, Queen Anne Rose is historically accurate, and he hates it.

I see you like to travel in your comfortable clothes.

Go on upstairs and change.

I've laid some things out on your bed.

We have lunch reservations.

Hungry!

Kitty: Go on, Terrence.

It's Carter.

Kitty!

Should I go say hi?

No!

Soup!

You've had your soup!

Go on, Terrence.

Get ready.

All right. It's Carter.

I'm glad you're home.

The soup is cold.

Just pretend it's gazpacho.

Carter is not staying. Carter is just visiting.

♪ On and on ♪
♪ On and on ♪

Kitty: Terrence!

♪ On and on ♪

Shake a leg, Terrence!

♪ On and on ♪

Sophie: See? How nice is this?

Yeah. First ring of hell is a lot prettier than I imagined.

[SCOFFS] This'll be fun.

Remember fun?

Just try to behave.

Sorry. We hit traffic.

No matter. No matter at all.

Come on in.

Okay.

And join us.

Oh.

Hi.

Coop, you remember Case and Lamont.

And you remember professor Sicherman.

Coop.

Hey, Larry. How you doing?

Jeff.

Jeff.

Jeff, right. Sorry.

Welcome to our cozy little club.

Not really sure how I got in this club, but okay. [LAUGHS]

Sylvia, will you pour some wine for our guests, please?

You're in a room with six people, and you nominate the black woman to serve.

Oh, God!

You're the closest to the wine. That's all.

It's not a black thing. It's not a chick thing. Okay?

Angela Davis all of a sudden.

Oh, no, no. It's okay. I'll get it. I'll get it.

Actually, you know what, Larry?

I'm okay.

It's Jeff.

Jeff.

No, it's not okay.

Okay.

I insist.

Okay.

And I'm the host.

Tell me, do you get upstate much?

Oh, you know, I've lived in New York for so long I feel a little allergic to all this open space.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, this weekend, I convert you.

All right.

Important study on the psychic effects of never leaving an urban environment.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Drink up. Drink up. Drink up.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Scarlet!

Scarlet: Yes, daddy?

Coop.

Yeah?

You know my daughter Scarlet?

I do. Hi, Scarlet.

Daddy, I take his class.

Would you please take our guests up and show them to our rooms?

Their rooms.

[LAUGHTER]

Sophie: You devil.

Freudian slip there.

Coop.

Yes?

These weekends are fertile ground for exploring new and exciting possibilities for curriculum.

We'll let our hair down. We'll imbibe.

Got it. Imbibing.

And we will get our best ideas out.

Maybe we'll have a little fun on the way.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Thank you for joining us.

Thank you for having me.

I'm, uh, just gonna go get settled.

I'll give you that. And I'll see you in a second.

Yeah, shall we?

Sophie: Okay. Yes. Oh!

Sophie.

Mm-hmm?

This is your room.

Thank you.

Oh.

You're not usually here for these weekends.

Nope.

Think it'd be pretty boring for you.

Oh, it's all very interesting to me.

I'll bet.

'Kay.

'Kay.

See you later.

Mm-hmm.

Professor, let me show you your room.

That's great. Thank you, Scarlet.

The bed.

Yeah.

Super comfy.

You know what? I think I can take it from here, Scarlet.

I haven't shown you all the features.

Well, I'm a big boy and I think I can handle it.

Thanks.

Scarlet.

Uh... Closet.

Right. Yeah. That's it.

Just in case I want to put any stuff in there, you know, closet stuff.

Oh, back stairs.

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Back stairs are a great way to come and go unseen.

That's very "Downtown Abbey."

Just sneak right in.

Uh-huh.

Like this.

Scarlet, you know, subtlety has not really ever been one of your charms.

I don't believe in subtlety.

Okay, here's something not so subtle-- get out now.

Okay. Well, my room is right across the hall if you need anything.

[GROANS]

♪

Carter: Where is everyone?

We are everyone.

I wanted something private.

Private is your own dining room. This is insane.

How long has it been, four years?

Uh, two. Mother, how can you afford this?

Your brother's expanding.

Well, as-- as men get older, our bodies do change.

Expanding his business. He bought a new factory.

Sweatshop.

What are you working on, dear?

Good afternoon.

Can I get you started with drinks?

It's a busy day, huh?

It's a mad house in here.

Yeah.

Deary, I'll have a Bombay Sapphire Martini straight up, very dry with a twist.

Just have the bartender wave the vermouth over the glass.

Very dry Martini.

Just a breath. Just a whisper of vermouth.

Yes, ma'am.

My son will have a Shirley Temple.

Uh, wave the maraschino cherry over-- over the top.

Mom, I'm not 15.

I know that.

Sometimes when I send your monthly check, I wonder if you do.

Make it a double!

All I'm saying is when we start new courses, they have to be new!

Sicherman: Oh, okay, Dr. New. The 1970s called.

They want their burning bra back.

You couldn't even handle these Golden Globes if it wasn't even a little..

Ha!

Oh, there's a fire in the Four-Story Brownstone.

Oh, thank you.

Welcome to our playground.

Yeah.

Hope you like to play.

Having a great time.

Baby, you couldn't even use that if you had...

Do you suppose the waitress is lost?

She didn't seem very bright.

She's nice.

Finally.

You know, keep the temples comin' just all day.

Don't stop till I'm...

Shall I wait to bring out your first course?

Mnh! [SPITS]

Oh! This is not a waft of vermouth.

That's a veritable Tsunami.

Now, if you would stop flirting with my son.

Take that back to the kitchen, please.

Take it back.

Yes, ma'am.

Sit up, Terrence. Sit up straight.

This is actually how tall I am.

Holly, darling.

Kitty, you've outdone yourself.

Oh [LAUGHS] I love a reunion.

Hi, Carter.

Holly and I ran into each other recently.

And she asked about you.

And I thought this would be a wonderful surprise for you.

Yes. It's-- it's nice.

How long since you've seen each other?

Oh, I think when we-- when we broke up. 10th grade.

Terrence, hold Holly's chair.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CHAIR SLIDES]

Thank you.

That's good. Thanks.

Okay, that's--

[CLEARS THROAT]

Gravely.

Cauliflower.

Penis.

[LAUGHTER]

That's a great one. I like that one.

Where are you going?

I'm taking a walk.

No, you're not. You've got to get with the program.

I hate this program.

Do you like your job?

Yeah, can I get back to you on that?

You know what I say to Jeremy?

I don't, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me.

I say, "Jeremy, you have to do the part of the work you don't like so you can get to the part that you do like."

That you do like.

That is just words of wisdom, Soph.

Words of wisdom from you.

If you don't have this job, what do you have?

Hey, ouch.

Am I wrong?

I'm just-- you should want this to go well.

What I want is to leave.

But you can't leave because you don't have your license, remember?

I'm dying here.

Well, then, do what everyone else here is doing-- drink.

Okay. Let's get drunk.

Lamont: What are you, the pope, Dalai Lama?

Good boy.

Okay. Where were we?

Penis.

[LAUGHTER]

But we're always there.

Kitty: Don't be modest, Holly.

You work for a very prestigious decorating firm.

I'd hire you myself if I were one of those women who had to buy good taste.

Oh, well, your house is really a gem.

I mean, it's Victorians like that that are really becoming so desirable again.

Carter, do you remember all those notebooks I kept, filled with descriptions of all the different things that I wanted for my dream house?

I mean, Carter had some ideas of his own.

Remember, I think you wanted a room with walls made from cat fur.

You have such a detailed memory, dear.

Carter just loves cats.

I don't really like cats anymore.

Really?

No.

Come back to the house with us.

See how a Victorian can be elegant and livable all at once.

Oh.

You don't want to come back.

Terrence, do not dictate other people's wants.

May I take your plates?

You may if you try very hard to do it correctly.

Uh, mother, Holly is not done with her cake.

I'll come back.

No. It's okay. I just--

Terrence could never leave food.

Even as a baby, his mouth was permanently attached to a nipple.

♪

Do me a favor-- save a seat for me by the couch, 'cause I don't want to sit by--

What are we-- 7?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

What happened to dinner? You don't like quail?

Your dad really hunts that stuff, huh?

[IMITATES g*nsh*t] Livin' off the fat of the land.

He gets them at stop and shop.

[LAUGHTER]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

[CLEARS THROAT] Coop.

Yes.

You like cognac?

Sure... Do.

"Sure do" doesn't do it.

No. That's not good enough.

You must emphatically love cognac. Scarlet.

For our guest.

I don't love cognac.

Some cognac is like a nice Mercedes.

But this cognac is like an Aston Martin.

Vroom, vroom.

Uh, actually, you know, I'm not really much of a cognac drinker.

Oh, well, hold on. Bing.

Now you're a cognac drinker.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, remember last year, he brought out something like this?

But I am not a cognac drinker, and even I liked that.

Oh, I know you did.

I remember well how much you liked it.

All right, you. [LAUGHS]

Now, a toast!

Oh, okay.

To the department.

Oh. Hear, hear.

To the department.

To the department.

All right.

Coop, you get the first taste.

That's--

[SNIFFING]

Go ahead.

Mm-hmm.

That's good.

No, that's not good. That is the nectar of the Gods.

[LAUGHTER]

Sophie: Right.

Is it very, very smooth, professor?

It's, uh, it's pretty smooth. It's pretty-- pretty smooth.

I'm just gonna, uh-- excuse me.

I'm just gonna use the restroom for a minute.

All right.

Just be right back.

Okay, well...

Talk amongst yourselves.

All right. Are we doing charades?

Are we doing running charades?

Bathroom's the other direction.

That way?

Scarlet sets her sight on inappropriate father figures to compensate for my wife leaving me.

She actualizes herself in the role of a wife of an older man.

Ah. Yeah, I see. Um, professor--

Ah, yes. I know you, Jackson Cooper.

Fallen star looking for adoration but finding that age-appropriate women don't find your flaws quite so charming.

I-I'm not sure that you're--

I don't know if you set your sights on my daughter, but you certainly didn't send her a very clear message.

Possibly because your need for veneration allows you to set aside your good judgment.

That opens the door for a young lady exactly like Scarlet.

Professor Harty.

If you touch my daughter, you're fired.

You're fired, and you'll never teach again.

I understand.

Oh.

And I'll hunt you down, and I'll k*ll you.

[CLOCK TICKING]

You really look good, Carter.

Thank you.

You--

Do you like-- sorry.

Um, do you like New York?

I heart New York.

Oh, that's funny. It's like the T-Shirts.

Holly, I'm sorry. This is-- this--

It's weird.

I know.

Why did you want to see me?

Is this some sort of make-amends moment?

Make amends?

Is it like AA where you right the wrongs?

What wrongs?

You dumped me. You broke my adolescent heart.

I started listening to The Smiths after you.

Uh, I don't think so.

Yeah. I did.

I even learned how to play "What Difference Does It Make?"

On my French horn.

You broke up with me.

You ruined my formative years for love, okay?

And for that, I understand why you're not wanting to--

Okay. You're being crazy right now.

I remember that day like it was yesterday.

Yeah. I remember it, too.

A person doesn't forget being broken up with the morning after he's first, you know.

Yeah. No, I know. I remember.

Yeah. And you know what?

I'm sure it wasn't very good, but it was my first time, too.

And so when Mary Francis field came over to my house and knocked on the door and said, "Carter wants to break up," I threw up, literally threw up all over her purple Chucks.

I upchucked on her Chucks.

No. Mary Francis came to my door.

She knocked on my door.

She gave me the saddest sack look, and she said that you were done with me.

I was so depressed, I started writing poetry.

And then I went crazy.

You know, my mom sent me to boarding school.

I was banished from my home because you dumped me.

I did not.

You did.

I did not.

You did.

Mary Francis.

Mary Francis.

Mary f*cking Francis.

She was your best friend.

Well, I guess not.

Darling, would you like the three of us to go upstairs and get your yearbook?

Have you been listening to this entire conversation?

Hmm? I know just where it is.

Come.

[SIGHS]

It's just over there.

Thank you, mother.

If you need me...

Thank you, mother.

...to get the...

I've got it. Yep.

I--

Thank you, mother.

♪

Look, look, look, look.

[LAUGHS]

Holly: Oh, my God. Look at my perm.

I thought your perm was pretty.

That's your, uh, your Robert Smith from The Cure phase.

Yeah. That's a total spray dye there.

Yeah. No. I know.

You used to stain my sweaters during-- during our massive make-out sessions.

So you, uh, you weren't sorry that I was your first?

No.

Well, I guess Mary Francis was the only one that was sorry that we did it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

And there she is.

There she is.

♪

Larry.

It's Jeff.

Oh, it's Jeff. Really good cognac.

It's the best.

[WOMEN VOCALIZING]

[WOMAN SINGING IN FRENCH]

[VOCALIZING CONTINUES]

Oh, Scarlet.

I'm freezing. Is there an extra blanket?

Yeah. Let me see if I have one.

[SINGING CONTINUES]

Oh, God.

Hey.

Hi.

I'm really looking forward to getting into the curriculum again tomorrow.

Me too. Very much so.

No hard feelings.

Zero.

Good night.

Harty: Good night.

Hey.

What are you doing up?

Sophie wanted a blanket?

Oh, okay. I'll get it.

Uh, okay.

Thanks, daddy.

Mm-hmm.

Where are you going?

Getting some water.

Night.

Good night.

♪

Oh.

Madam.

Hi, professor Harty.

Thank you.

Good night, Sophie.

Good night, sir.

[SINGING CONTINUES]

Sophie, I got two words for you-- sheriff, me.

Okay, Jack. That's two words.

[BURPS]

Ooh, there you are. I see what's going on.

Good night, Dr. Cooper.

You ViXen. Good night.

You're ridiculous. Go to bed.

[SINGING CONTINUES]

[SINGING ENDS]

♪
♪ I ♪
♪ I'm feeling peculiar ♪
♪ I ♪
♪ I want to slide closer to her ♪
♪ She has a beauty ♪
♪ My words, they cannot place ♪
♪ She moves right through me ♪
♪ I lose all sense of time and space ♪
♪ I want your lips, want your lust ♪
♪ I want to feel your electric love ♪
♪ Electric love ♪
♪ I want your fix, want your touch ♪
♪ I want to feel your electric love ♪
♪ Your electric love ♪
♪ Mmm ♪
♪ She ♪
♪ She's pulling me nearer ♪
♪ She ♪
♪ She's only making it clearer ♪
♪ I feel desire spiral through my veins ♪
♪ I've never felt as such ♪
♪ And trust I will not be the same ♪
♪ I want your lips, want your lust ♪
♪ I want to feel your electric love ♪
♪ Electric love ♪
♪ I want your fix, want your touch ♪
♪ I want to feel your electric love ♪
♪ Oh, darling, please give me your hand ♪
♪ I hold a promise but make no demands ♪
♪ Oh, darling, please give me your hand ♪