01x07 - Strange Bedfellows

[bunniefuu]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Ohh.

[CROW CAWS]

[COUGHS]

Oh!

Oh, f*ck.

Oh.

Woman: Ohh.

Oh, sh*t. f*ck.

Oh, god. f*ck.

[CROWS CAWING]

f*ck.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES LOUDLY]

Carter?

Coop? Coop, are you there? Coop.

What are you doing? Where are you?

I'm at Harty's. Where are you?

I'm at my home.

And I'm not at my home in the city.

I'm at my--

Coop, you've gotta come and meet me.

Coop, are you there?

Yeah.

I, uh, I'm in some deep sh*t, Carter.

Dude, I am so-- I am such deep sh*t, too, man.

No. This is deeper than that. This is, like, really deep.

Like, what are you talking, like 6-feet-under deep?

This is like bottom-of-the-ocean caliber deep.

I'm center-of-the-earth deep, man.

Okay. That's pretty deep.

I'm in my childhood home, I'm naked, and I'm with my high-school girlfriend.

Wow.

And I think my mom is probably listening in at the door.

Wow. That is some deep sh*t, Carter.

My mom pimped me out, too.

You mean she got paid to fix you up?

No. I'm saying that as a metaphor.

A metaphor for what?

I don't know.

Maybe it's not a metaphor. Maybe it's what I meant.

I-I'm not thinking rationally right now.

Dude, me neither.

What's going on with you?

Oh, god. God. I am so f*cked.

Okay, how f*cked, though? Tell me.

Carter.

Go!

My boss' daughter.

Is she a student?

Yes.

Your boss' daughter is a student?

Yes, Carter. You're not helping.

She's right here. She's in the bed.

I gotta get out of here.

Is she naked?

Yes, she's naked.

So is mine, but-- but in tights.

Dude, what have I done?

What have I done?

You've gotta come and meet me, all right?

You gotta talk me off the ledge, man.

Yeah, me too. Ledge.

Cafe latte, cedar street in 20 minutes.

[DOOR CREAKS]

[STAIR CREAKS]

Oh, morning, Coop. You're up early.

Hey, yeah. Yes.

Great. Great.

[CLATTERING]

Hey, kid.

Nice girl you got up there.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Oh, my love, let me be your fire ♪
♪ We're a thousand miles up and I'm about to get higher ♪
♪ Feel my heart b*ating out my chest ♪
♪ You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed ♪
♪ Singing oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ You make me feel blessed, you make me feel blessed ♪
♪ You're the only prayer I need to make me feel blessed ♪

[BELL JINGLES]

I can't remember anything.

Coffee, I need coffee.

I need coffee.

Okay, here's what I know-- I went to my room, and she was there, and then nothing.

I don't remember anything after that.

Think I should call her?

What? Who?

Holly.

She's probably having marmalade and toast with mother.

Ugh, sh*t. sh*t. sh*t.

Is she over 18?

She's like 20. Does that make it okay?

It's legal.

Carter, I'm gonna lose my job.

Maybe it's not as bad as you think.

Okay, here's what I know. There was wine.

Good. Wine's classy.

And then there was tons of cognac.

I don't drink cognac.

Ugh, cognac.

Remember Dodi Pearson's wedding?

Now, that got ugly in a hurry.

I do remember.

You got all cognac-ed up.

You jumped on the stage. You grabbed the Mike.

Remember what you said?

You going to remind me?

You're like, "I love you, Dodi, and you're my best friend, and I'm just so glad that you finally found someone to marry because you're so ugly."

I was trying to make a joke.

No, but she's actually ugly, so it got really awkward.

You're making it worse, Carter.

Don't drink cognac, my friend.

Thank you for the reminder. Oh, good, coffee. Here we go.

Man: Hi. Good morning, gents.

Hello, we would like to order some coffee, please.

Uh, that table is reserved.

[ITALIAN OPERA MUSIC PLAYS]

It's, uh-- there's nobody else here.

Is reserved.

Okay, let's just move.

We'll-- we'll change to this table over here.

He's saving it for the prime minister of Italy for his never visit to Westchester.

Well, hey, uh, Mumford. What's-- what's going on?

What?

Why are you dressed like little lord Fauntleroy?

Uh, I-- I got dressed in a hurry.

Is this appropriate? Here, sir, this good?

Thank you. Okay.

Do you like some coffee, Espresso?

Yes, Espresso would be great, desperately.

Some Espresso would be great.

Yes, I'll have, uh--

Oh, scusi.

[CONVERSING IN ITALIAN]

But could we-- what's happening? We...

What is this? It's like "the godfather" in here.

Look, if you go to the bathroom, you get a g*n, you come back and sh**t me, I'm going to be very pissed at you.

Please lower your voice. Your voice carries.

But this is crazy.

Stop, will you?

They can hear you, okay? Just stay with me right now.

Help me through this problem, okay?

I'm a good person, with the exception of my Dodi Pearson moment.

I'm a good guy, right?

Is he coming back over?

Excuse me.

Hey, hey.

This is crazy.

Okay.

This is crazy. Is he serious?

Just stay with me right now, okay? Focus.

Let's just hash our sh*t out together, okay?

Okay.

Together.

Yes, I'm focused. I'm with you.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen.

I think I'm gonna lose my job. I'm gonna lose apartment.

I am going to lose every shred of dignity I've ever had.

I am f*cked, Carter.

Yeah, you-- you are.

Great. That's it?

Yeah, well, look, we're f*cked, all right?

The whole thing is f*cked, but we're going to get through this, okay, because we're smart and you're very handsome.

Okay?

Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What is this?

Hello, can we help you?

Espresso?

Uh, yes, please.

Double, thanks.

Yes.

Espresso for you, too?

No, I'd like an iced coffee.

We don't sell iced coffee.

But you sell coffee.

Si.

Do you have ice?

Si.

But you don't have iced coffee?

No.

Okay, well, will you-- thank you.

I just-- there's no iced coffee?

Order something else, will you?

This doesn't make any sense. I'm the customer.

It's not like I'm ordering a Slurpee.

Carter, shh. Will you lower your voice?

Hello, please, an iced coffee! That's all I-- shut your face.

Why?

Because...

Because the Goodfellas are giving us the stink-eye right now.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go home to my apartment.

I'm going to pretend that I'm sick, and then I'm going to do everything within my power to not go back to Harty's house.

Why isn't he making our c-- hey, will you listen to me?

Do you want to leave?

No, I want my iced coffee.

I feel flush. Do I look flush?

You look hungover.

Feeling a little panicked.

All right. All right. All right.

Hey, Cooper.

Yeah?

Look, you're an adult. She's an adult.

You didn't do anything wrong.

She's a student, Carter.

She's a student, and she was born in the '90s, the mid '90s.

I have never, in my life, not remembered what happened the night before.

I mean, at my age, to black out...

What is that? That's ridiculous.

Maybe your brain is doing something to try to protect you.

You know, like, making you unable to remember.

Lacunar amnesia?

I don't-- wait.

You got trashed, and you blacked out?

Yeah.

Maybe you couldn't raise the red flag of victory.

Maybe your erectile dysfunctioned.

[CHAIR LEG SQUEAKS]

Oh, god, Carter. What is happening?

This is a big moment for us, okay?

It sure is.

This is the first time in our friendship that we are having the morning-after debriefing.

And we both have briefs.

Are you tearing up right now?

No.

Okay.

Cheer up, buddy. Let's get you some coffee, okay?

Espresso. Cappuccino.

Yep, that's me, Mr. cappuccino.

Grazie a lei.

Nyah.

What time is it?

8:30.

Mother's definitely up.

Seriously, Carter, what's the problem?

You slept with your high-school sweetheart.

It's not like a tragedy.

Holly and I were a tragedy.

My mother knew that and brought us back together.

You were 15 years old.

Everything is a tragedy at that age.

Holly's the reason why I went to boarding school.

I thought you're mom sent you to boarding school.

She did, but after Holly dumped me, I went into a little funk.

Your mom sent you to boarding school because you went into a little funk?

My mother needs to be surrounded by positivity.

Iced.

Iced, iced, iced! No, that coffee is iced.

Calm down. Just let it go.

I'm serious, look at that.

That's an iced coffee right there. Let it go.

Why does she get an iced coffee?

No, no, no, no.

Sit down, Carter.

What is this, discrimination?

How is this discrimination?

Except for the locals, is that-- you got a problem? Oh, boy.

I have a-- yes, I do.

I have a pro-- I have a very big problem.

We're gonna go.

This is a cappuccino, and I wanted an iced drink, right, a nice, refreshing drink.

And yoga-mat Molly over here gets to waltz right out with one, okay?

Pipe down!

Pipe down?

Yeah, pipe down.

Okay, I'll pipe down when Mr. fancy-pants Italian coffee man explains to me why he has reserved tables and reserves ice for only certain customers.

Is it because I'm Polish?

You're not Polish.

You're not Polish.

That's not the point.

Yeah? No ice for the Polacks, yeah?

Ice only for the Inuits, is that what it is?

Put your jacket on.

That was an nice cappuccino.

Oh, you're insane.

You don't know what you are talking about.

I'm getting my iced coffee.

You understand me? I'm coming back and I'm--

♪ Da da da-da da da da ♪

Hey! Hey!

Take a walk.

All right!

Calm down.

Hey. Hey.

You know! You know! I knew it!

You know! And you know!

Sorry, sorry, guys.

Sorry.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

I'm sorry, I just...

Jesus Christ. You okay?

You think I scared them?

I don't know.

Oh, geez.

I love when you get tough like that.

That's crazy.

You just sobered my ass right up, man.

I'm thinking pretty clear now.

You know what I gotta do?

What?

In terms of the Scarlet thing, obviously, I left the door open.

I just got to close that door.

Close the door, please.

I'm going to go back to professor Harty's...

Yeah, that's good. ...And I'm going to take my lumps.

Take your lumpy-lumps. Take the lumpy-lumps.

And if he fires me, I deserve it.

You do deserve it.

Look, I'm rolling with you. I don't what I'm talking about.

I mean, you're looking at the new Jackson Cooper, man-- humble, honest, contrite.

All right. You go get 'em, Coopy.

What about you? You gonna do the same thing? Absolutely.

Are you gonna go back to Holly and tell her that you admit you're sorry that you fell into an adolescent depression based on you childhood break-up?

Do I have to say it like that?

Pretty much.

Yes.

Are you going to tell her that you apologize for running out on her this morning?

Yes.

And your mom, you're gonna tell her to stay out of your affairs?

No. No, I'm not doing that.

All right, three out of four ain't bad.

Yeah.

Let's do it.

All right, let's do it.

I'm proud of us.

Okay.

Good luck.

Let me know how it goes.

All right, dude.

Go get 'em.

You're a badass.

Yup.

Let me get a ride. Let me get a ride.

♪

Saw Coop up early, bag over his shoulder, out the door.

That's my hero. Down late, up early.

No worse for the wear.

Look at that. There he is.

Speak of the devil.

Uh-oh.

Hey.

Looks like somebody could use some coffee.

I'll get that for you.

Thanks, Sophie.

You certainly earned tenure in the drinking department last night.

Yeah.

Sichermann, that is because sometimes we need to get loose.

Inhibitions are things to be lost, am I right?

Yes, exactly right. Uh, listen, professor...

Maybe you need a little something stronger than coffee, a little, uh, cheveux Du chien.

Silvia, why don't you run and make Coop a bloody Mary?

No, no, no. It's fine. I-i don't need a bloody Mary.

I just--

I need you to listen, Dr. Harty.

W-what is it?

Well, uh, last night...

Last night.

Yes.

[CLEARS THROAT] Last night, I, uh...

[CLEARS THROAT] ...I wasn't myself.

Who were you?

Doc, maybe you should have some coffee?

I'm okay.

Uh, I was somebody I'm not proud of.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

We were all three sheets to the wind.

Actually, you were a charming drunk.

Pretty sure you're not going to think I was charming when I tell you-- okay, doc, I really think you should have some coffee now.

Sophie, listen, just let me get this out.

Okay, guys-- sorry, not guys-- esteemed professors.

I just, last night I-- I-- while you all were asleep, I, uh, this morning, I woke up and I--

I'm having a hard time saying this.

Dr. Harty, I just, need you to know-- he blew chunks in the guest-room closet.

What?

What?

It's pretty embarrassing. Morning, daddy.

Morning.

I was going to go to the bathroom, and I guess the doc was looking for a towel.

I mean, he really went mt. Vesuvius all over the floor, just... blechhh!

Scarlet.

What?

You wanted to tell 'em?

Well, Coop, I...

I have to say...

Been there!

[LAUGHTER]

Done that!

I-I-I--

It's no big deal.

Look, we've got cleaners coming this afternoon.

I have people for that kind of thing.

Ew, you threw up?

That's an understatement.

But I helped him clean it up, didn't I, doc?

You did?

You did?

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Why don't you drink your coffee?

Yeah, great. That's great. Thanks, Soph.

Next year, I'm gonna keep my eye on you.

[LAUGHTER]

Aw, he is such a joker.

You're driving next year.

Let me just say this-- what are-- what are we playing at here, Holly?

Was it young love, puppy love?

We barking up the-- the right tree?

In the four hours since I saw you last, I've-- I've been really getting in touch with what I need to say here, all right?

I've been getting in touch with my essentially self, a core, you know, my man core...

A piece of myself that I thought was forsaken all those years ago when you dumped me.

And I know you didn't dump me.

I know your aunt Frances dumped me.

But, you know, a dump happened.

You know, it was a big dump.

But Holly, you and I, we let that dump happen.

We weren't afraid of the dump, all right?

Don't you see, that's what I'm talking about here, all right?

The dump between us, it may have been perpetrated by, you know, some false messenger, but we let it happen.

Hi, there, you done?

Yeah.

All sorted out?

Let me just say--

I had a really nice time last night.

Me too.

Me too.

Holly, you know, there's all this other Stu-- you know, the fact that my mother set this whole thing up, it's-- it's, weird, right?

Is it?

I don't know, just-- I was sent away to boarding school when we broke up.

Oh, I know.

Wasn't exactly a burning desire of mine to put on a uniform and move away and live with a bunch of kids named Xavier and Mason.

No, I know Carter. I get it.

Your mom is-- she's a lot. She's a handful.

Yeah. King Kong-sized hands.

But you and I have the same-sized hands.

Let me see.

Mm?

Yeah, that's close. It's close.

Carter, I'm in a really good place in my life right now.

I have a good job, and I own my house, and I'm thinking about getting a dog or maybe a fat, gray cat, and I'm open to love.

Do you understand?

Yeah. Yep.

You are-- you are open.

You're a sign, you're a neon sign that's blinking "open" and-- and your store called love.

So what about you? Are you open in a-- in the blinking-neon kind of way?

I like you, Holly. I just-- I-- up here, you know, I'm-- I love New York.

I-I love it so much I want to marry it.

At least, I think that's where I need to be.

Like, alone?

Holly, it was-- it was a great night.

Okay. I see.

You're not ready.

No, I am not.

I'm not-- I'm not even on the field, okay?

I'm in the-- I'm-- I'm in the locker room.

I'm-- I just started lacing up the cleats, all right?

I can't find my mouth guard.

I'm-- I'm not going to be on the field for many seasons.

But it...

God, it was a great night.

I'll drive you home.

It's pretty, right?

My dad loves this land.

He likes how it's nestled in the hills.

Bosoms of the earth, he says.

It's funny how men are always trying to mark their territory by nestling into bosoms.

Scarlet.

Lighten up, professor.

Lighten up? Do you know what we did last night?

Yes.

Because that cover story you told was bullshit.

It was a white lie. Got my dad off your back.

I'm still waiting for a thank-you.

Scarlet, what we did was wrong on so many levels.

Do you understand that?

Also, I work for your father in a job that I would like to keep.

Mm, because your on the downside of a mediocre career, you mean?

Scarlet, stop. I'm trying to apologize, all right?

What happened was I-i took advantage of you, and I'm ashamed and embarrassed, and I'm asking you for your forgiveness.

[CROW CAWING]

Is this 'cause you wouldn't sleep with me?

What?

Nothing happened.

Nothing happened?

You passed out.

I tried...

Took my clothes off, took your clothes off, but you passed out before you could say no.

Are you just saying that?

Listen to me. I'm memorable.

I am so very memorable.

Thank you, god.

I'm like a tattoo. I am indelible.

Thank you. Thank you, Scarlet.

You know, this is not flattering.

Scarlet, listen to me-- whatever game you're playing at, just knock it off, all right?

You're bright and you're beautiful and you're interesting.

You don't have to do this.

Do not give me the speech, okay?

What? When my mother left, I grew up too fast-- you know what you're doing?

You're convoluting sex and support.

Oh, is that your professional opinion?

It is, and I know what I'm talking about.

I thought you didn't have a license to practice anymore.

You're right, I don't.

I'm gonna go in.

♪ I'm wasting my breath with every step I take ♪

Jackson: Get the door.

Doc?

Come on, Soph, we're leaving.

You in a hurry?

Yeah. Don't start.

I don't want to hear it from you.

And you know what?

Next year, when this retreat happens, I'm busy.

Okay, so really happened?

Can you even hear me?

What?

Can you hear me?

Who?

♪ I'm not letting down 'cause I don't give up ♪
♪ Luck is on my side ♪
♪ I swear that I am not out of luck ♪
♪ I'm just out of ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it down 'cause I don't give up ♪
♪ Luck is on my side ♪
♪ I swear that I am not out of luck ♪
♪ Just out of ♪
♪ I'm chasing my dreams when I'm awake ♪
♪ So I don't sleep too good at night ♪
♪ I'm getting restless ♪
♪ Something ain't right ♪
♪ If good things come to those who wait... ♪

Okay, well, thanks, mother.

I don't understand you, Terence.

Nice to see you, too.

Holly's a very nice girl.

Yep. Okey-dokey.

I mean, she talks too much, and her hair, well...

You need a woman, Terence.

I got to go.

Was she sexually unsatisfying?

Oh, I'm off. Yep, I'm out of here.

Thanks. Great to see you, mom.

Okay, drive, drive fast. Just go.

Sophie: How about this snowstorm, huh?

Sudden.

Gods are telling me to get the f*ck out of Dobbs... Ferry.

Get it, Dobbs?

I-I did.

♪ ...luck is on my side ♪
♪ I swear that I am not out of love ♪
♪ I'm just out of ♪
♪ I'm not letting down ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't give up ♪

Hey.

Hey, come on in.

How was your trip?

It was enlightening.

Yeah?

Feels good to be home, though.

Ah, yeah, it's always good to be home.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

A man's home is his castle.

Home is where the heart is.

Home is a thing with feathers.

No, it's not, actually.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

That works.

That's not a thing.

Positive?

Pretty sure.

Hey, guys, I kind of need a shower.

You know what? [SNIFFS] Me too.

Yeah, I'm good, actually.

No, no. I mean, I was actually get a shower, so maybe the two of you could, I don't know, leave?

Do you want to order something?

Yes, pizza, please. Baby wants pizza.

Oh, my god, this big baby wants some pizza.

Right?

That's for sure.

But none of that Hawaiian stuff.

Please don't do that to me again.

What are you talking about?

That is just a bad night.

Come on-- ham, pineapple, they came together and made a little cute little pizza baby.

Somebody put it up for adoption.

Hey, this is Jackson Cooper.

I would like to order two pizzas for delivery.

It's very delicious.

No. That salty and sweet-- one Hawaiian and one pepperoni.

Polynesian.

No, not the Polynesian.

I'm gonna get one of each.

Polynesian or Hawaiian, it's the same thing.

It's the one without cheese.

We're getting a pizza with no cheese?

Carter, I just spoke to some coffee beans.

They're pretty pissed that you stole their sack.

[LAUGHS] He's talking about your sweater.

I know what he's talking about.

I know what he's talking about.

Hey, Cooper.

Yeah, buddy?

Hasselhoff called. He wants his suit back.

Did that even make sense?

Not really.

♪ It's a fast change in the carpool Lane ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ A subtle Lane shift ♪
♪ And I'm caught amidst high speeds ♪
♪ Soccer moms and me ♪
♪ Stuck in overdrive ♪
♪ It's a long ride ♪
♪ And I'm right by your side ♪
♪ No one told me that there'd be a test ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ I never studied, but I did my best ♪
♪ I think ♪
♪ The answers were in ink ♪
♪ The message was inscribed ♪
♪ It's a long ride ♪
♪ And I'm right by your side ♪
♪ I tell ya, I'm right by your side ♪
♪ Oh, this mediocrity ♪
♪ The sign says got no vacancy ♪
♪ I know that's just complacency ♪
♪ Calling me ♪
♪ It's a fine line ♪
♪ Marking the divide ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ I could exit ♪
♪ Right into the empty space ♪
♪ Then I see your face ♪
♪ Now I can't describe ♪
♪ It's been a long time ♪