01x08 - The Drop

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so it's day four.

It's actually day five.

Right. Sorry. And you're on your way to Fort Lauderdale...

No, he's meeting his sister-in-law outside Orlando to pick up the mysterious product he stole from work.

Right.

And your wife was taking your two kids, Jared and Delilah...

The boy's name is actually Jareb with a "B."

All right. Yes. I'm sorry.

And they were on their way home to Syracuse...

Because she was sick of his lies.

Sharon, please. They have a strong relationship.

She's not even his wife. They're not married.

That's because she's actually married to some guy named Carlos.

[Files thud]

Tell me about this guy.

What about Orlando?

Why didn't your sister-in-law meet you in Fort Lauderdale?

Because she's a coke-fueled sh*t show.

Yeah, but wait. You said she's clean and sober now, and on the road with a Christian rock band.

How'd that happen?

How the hell would he know? He wasn't there.

She could've taken a rideshare for all he knows. Who cares?

How does that have any bearing on this story?

This is my investigation!

Kinda sucks to feel like the dummy, doesn't it?

Shut up.

Yep.

All right, what was in the bag?

Was it dr*gs?

Oh.

♪

[Sniffing]

[Footsteps approaching]

What is this?

Is this dr*gs?

I can't mail dr*gs.

You can't fly.

Of course I can't fly, Marco!

"Hi, I'd like to check in one bag of evil corporate science goo."

How am I gonna get this to Florida?

[Sniffing]

[Knock on door]

Morris: Nate?

We're here on official P.F.R. business!

[Crunches]

What's P.F.R.?

[Whispers] That's, like, two levels above FBI.

sh*t!

♪

I know y'all in there!

Don't pretend like you're not home now!

Come on, Morris. Let's go. [Crunching]

♪

Oh, sh*t!

Uhh! sh*t.

What the hell?

Should we, like, follow her?

I guess so.

Man: ♪ Somewhere behind the mountains ♪
♪ There is a place I figured out... ♪

[Music warps, rewinds]

[Whirring sound]

What kind of car would you like?

I think we'll take a 3-seater.

We always get four seats 'cause of dad.

I swear, you get dumber by the second.

And it's returning to... Syracuse.

"S"..."R"...

[Cellphone ringing]

"Y"...

[Touchscreen clicks]

"K"...

Chazz's mom says children of divorce are actually lucky.

We're not getting divorced.

Well, obviously. You're not married.

Chazz's parents try to outdo each other at Christmas.

He winds up getting double the presents.

And double chances at catching Santa and stealing his pot of gold.

Hey, you're current and only father will be home as soon as he's done doing whatever insane thing he's doing, okay?

Is there a "Q" in Syracuse?

Not anymore. No, they changed it.

[Chuckles] Hey, Vanessa, it's Nate.

Still on the road?

No, I'm here...

Wherever the [Bleep] here is.

♪ Dashing through the snow... ♪

Woman: Welcome to salvation, Florida, where it's Christmas 364 days a year!

We're closed on Christmas.

I don't know, because Christmas sucks maybe?

Bah humbug.

Just get here!

Looks like we found ourselves a scrooge, folks.

Tourists: Scrooge! Thank you. Thank you.

Yes. Yes, I-I'm glad my misery makes you happy.

Come on, Ebeneezer, everybody loves Christmas.

Yeah? Jews?

Yeah.

Muslims?

Uh-huh.

Buddhists?

Uh-huh.

Taoists?

Uh-huh.

Hindus?

Uh-huh.

Ashantis?

Uh-huh.

Jehovah's?

Uh-huh.

Shintos?

Uh-huh.

Atheists?

Uh-huh.

Choctaws?

That's their favorite.

Okay. Where's the bar?

The bar?

Uh-huh.

That way!

Great.

Make way!

Sad dad coming through! [Chuckles]

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

elf: Hope you find some spirit!

Clever.

Come this way, guys.

[Whispers] God.

[Stomps feet]

That snow's really coming down out there.

Yeah. Whatever that snow is made of is burning my skin.

But it wouldn't be Christmas without it though, pal.

[Laughs] Yeah! Pal, it's not Christmas.

Uh, whatcha drinkin'?

Your darkest beer and your cheapest bourbon.

Sounds like somebody's trying to forget his troubles.

Oh, no, I'm actually celebrating.

My family left me and I lost my job.

So... hooray!

["Silent Night" playing]

What the hell is that?

Apple juice.

It's a fake sad bar, not a real sad bar.

[sh*t glass thuds]

Another one?

No.

Hey, the kids and I are coming home early, so get rid of the weirdos and clean up the house, would you?

I'm not at your house.

I'm on the road with my new family.

Our car broke down.

Caleb says Nate preyed upon my generous nature to...

Oh, Jesus. Did you join a cult?

Caleb says others can't define me.

Okay, I need you to be normal right now.

Yeah?

Well, I'm not the one whose husband got fired for stealing some weird, dangerous sh*t!

What?

Now government g*ons with g*ns and helicopters with intra-red goggles are following me, too.

What are you talking about?

But it's okay. [Sighs]

I'm gonna save Nate.

Caleb says...

Where are you?

I'm really close to salvation.

Holy sh*t.

Vanessa, are you gonna k*ll yourself?

Salvation, Florida. It's really close to Orlando.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Well, definitely don't k*ll yourself.

I'll... I'll see you soon.

Okay, ma'am, you're all set.

Just press "confirm," and you're on your way to Syracuse.

Ohh, you bastard.

Yes?

Nope, not you.

D'oh. God. You do this every time!

All right, kids... [sighs] You know what?

We're gonna go save your idiot dad.

I need to change my destination to Florida.

Flo Rida?

No, Florida.

"F"..."I"...

[Machine beeping]

"Os"...

Nope.

"Ur"...

No, no "U."

Can I talk to somebody...

[Sighs deeply]

Whose first day it isn't?

♪ O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree ♪
♪ How lovely are thy branches. ♪
♪ O Christmas tree ♪

Jesus Christ. How many presents does one kid need?

We can't afford it!

And then you go give money to that filthy bum!

It was the salvation army.

[Scoffs] So a bum with a band uniform.

Hey, Nate? I love you.

You can't buy his love!

And you can't buy mine, either!

See this? You like what you see?

Yeah, 'cause you're not gonna see it again until march!

I'm gonna step out for a bit, boy.

Good! You get outta here and take your goddamned tree with you, you son of a bitch!

Get out!

Take your ugly face and never come back!

[Crying] I hate you! Get out of my house, you mother...

Woman: ♪ O, holy night ♪
♪ the stars are brightly... ♪

You know, I like to think that things have a way of working themselves out on Christmas...

I swear to god...

Tourists: Scrooge! Oh. Thank you! Thank you!

Man: Thank you! Thank you!

[All chattering]

Get outta here!

Woman: Aah!

Man: Scrooge is mad!

♪

Oh! God!

Oh, wow. Your dad must love this place.

All right, Delilah, keep an eye out and let me know if you see any FBI, any police, anything.

Just let me know, all right?

Gotcha.

All right. Great.

What's my job?

Uh, you...

Go get a pretzel and sit on that bench right there.

I'm gonna find your father.

I won't let you down!

My job's way better than yours.

She only gave you that job 'cause you're not smart enough for a real job.

♪

Okay, but let me ask you this.

If you could have one wish on Christmas...

Mm-hmm?

What would it be?

Some antifreeze for your sweet tea.

♪

Nate?

Hmm?

Babe! What are you doing here? How did you find me?

I tracked your phone.

What? How is that possible?

Family plan.

We don't have the family plan.

Do we need to do this right now?

No, it's just, it's really expensive...

I know, but I'm here. Let's live in the moment.

I know. I'm sorry, baby.

I know. I am, too. I hated walking away.

Oh, my god. Oh.

I hated the way that felt.

Please, never again.

No, never. Mmm.

Okay? Mmm.

Merry Christmas.

Okay.

Just... it's not...

All right, I need you to tell me everything.

I will, baby. Open book.

Okay. Okay. Right now, though.

[Sighs deeply]

[Sighs]

♪

I got...

You got fired. Yeah, I know. I know.

How did you know?

Vanessa.

What?

W... anyway, Vanessa says you're in danger. What is that?

Oh, sh*t show. No. No.

No?

I took something from work.

Oh? What'd you take?

Huh?

What did you take?

♪

I can't tell you.

Mm, what?

Yet. Yet. I can't tell you yet.

Why?

I signed a nondisclosure agreement.

Honey, you don't work there anymore!

It had a very litigiously worded noncompete clause.

Do you work for the CIA?

No.

No, no.

But it's a highly protected industry secret.

They're just watching their backs.

Oh, okay, so what you're saying is that I've been with you over a decade, I give birth to your twins, and I-I put up with your mother because I am a spy for a competing biotech pharmaceutical company or whatever it is you work for.

It's just biotech...

It's... you said you would never walk away again! Baby!

Why did I even come back?

You're putting our children's lives in danger?

It's fine. I've got this completely under control.

Do you, Nate? Really, do you?

Yes.

You're making a drop in a place that has one viable exit.

A drop? I'm picking up a package from Vanessa.

Oh, sh*t.

What?

Stop. Stop.

What?

Turn. Turn.

No, St... Just sit down.

Why?

Down.

What?

Down. 7 o'clock.

No. [Sighs] 7... 7 o'clock.

Don't look, though. But don't... don't look!

What? What?

I spotted him when we came in.

He's like a robot. Every 30 seconds, he does the same thing. Here we go. Paper down.

Look around.

Take a sip. Mm-hmm.

Signal his team. There it is. There it is!

That's a signal?

Yeah.

His finger up his nose?

Yeah. My god, this is insane.

No, you are completely overreacting here.

Oh. I'm really...

Excuse me, sir? Excuse me?

Uh, yes.

Is this your daughter?

Uh, yes.

How old is she?

Um, uh... 7.

7. Really, really adorable.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Man: Merry Christmas!

[Lowered voice] He's doesn't know how old his daughter is!

[Mouths words]

I don't know how old my daughter is.

Yeah, I see you, too, assh*le.

What is your problem?

This is your last chance, Nate. Just tell me.

♪ Misfortune seemed his lot ♪

♪ he got into a drifted bank ♪

I can't!

Oh, come on. Really? Silent treatment?

Because I won't talk to you about something?

Is... is your silent treatment N.D.A. certified?

Jared and Delilah: Dad!

Oh, hey, hey!

There's my kids!

Mmm! How are you guys?

[Kisses]

No government g*ons yet.

[Mouths word]

Oh, my god. No one is after me!

Yes, they are.

No, they're not! We are meeting Vanessa here.

She is gonna give me a product, which I cannot tell you about.

Yes, you can.

And we're gonna be on the beach before you know it.

I have a better idea.

Since everyone loves Christmas... everyone...

Let's have some, like, cake, some pies and milkshakes and all that good stuff with mom.

Oh, come on. Don't do that.

Yeah?

If we're gonna eat, we're gonna eat as a family.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I'm not speaking to you or eating with you until you tell me everything.

Woman: Okay, everybody, follow me!

Oh, and by the way, kids, I'm lifting the soda ban, so...

Oh. You're giving them the gift of diabetes.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

[elf humming "jingle bells"]

♪ jingle all the way ♪

Where to sit? Where to sit?

Can we sit with dad?

I'd rather not.

Why not?

Dad, why can't we sit with mom and Delilah?

I'm not sure your mom's in a jolly enough mood to.

I want them to.

Yeah, me, too.

And you are welcome to.

Well, tell your father we would be happy to sit, only because there is no other place to sit.

Mm.

Do I really need to repeat that sentence?

Please, I am way too tired to play this game.

Hi, folks! This seat taken?

No.

Yes.

Think I could just squeeze in here?

Yeah. Take it.

Oh, you think?

Yeah, sure.

[Strained voice] Think you can make it?

There we go!

Oh, there he goes.

[Chuckles] Nothing beats a holiday meal with family and new friends!

America! [Laughs]

Look, I know it's hard to understand, let alone accept, but...

Do you hear that noise?

Jared, could you please tell that noise that I've decided I can't hear anything...

[Scoffs]

Until I get a full and complete explanation?

Did you get that?

Yes, I heard all that passive-aggressive B.S. loud and clear.

Oh, that wasn't passive.

Sorry about the awkwardness.

It's day one of their maybe divorce.

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna let your translators go buy themselves a toy so we can actually talk like adults.

Oh, well, then I'm going to buy them an even bigger toy.

Oh, what are you doing?

There you go, sweetheart. You're so welcome.

That is so stupid.

No, you're stupid.

Excuse me?

You're stupid.

This relationship was built on one bedrock principle, and you have managed to completely unravel that bedrock in less than a week.

Okay, first of all, bedrock crumbles. It doesn't unravel.

Oh, I'm so sorry, professor of rocks!

And secondly, I think our marriage is built on something more than me not telling you one tiny, insignificant detail!

Okay. Okay. Looks like someone here is on the naughty list.

Am I right?

Yeah.

Now come on, folks.

We are here to celebrate Christmas every day of the year.

See, every day is the most special day.

That is not how special works.

Maybe I should just sit on the other side.

You think?

That'll be... yeah. [Sighs]

Yeah? Good idea?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

What?

Who do you work for and why are you packing?

This?

Yes.

Oh, I keep this to keep our government honest.

[g*n thuds]

Whoa! What is wrong with you?! There's children here!

They are safer now.

No!

No! They are statistically way less safe now!

Our founding fathers knew how...

Our founding fathers would sh*t their pants if they saw what this g*n could do.

The constitution is the oldest...

Is in dire need of an update.

It's the most sacred document ever written.

This "sacred document"? It's been amended 27 times!

And then those amendments have been amended.

See you later, sl*very.

Yeah, hello, women's suffrage.

Goodbye, alcohol.

[Deep voice] Welcome back, alcohol.

This guy.

This stupid guy!

Me?

Yes!

Yeah.

You two have ruined my entire Christmas dinner!

Jeez!

Your g*n!

Take it! Take your g*n!

I know! You've got me all flustered.

Yeah. Responsible g*n owner.

♪

You see?

We still have our love of chastising people we disagree with.

I'm still mad at you.

Yeah, but you're way more mad at him.

For sure.

Guys! I saw them! g*ons!

They were showing around a picture of dad, asking if anyone had seen him.

sh*t! What are they doing here?

See?

I'm sor... I'm sorry! What do we do? What do we do?

Well, the good news is, the one thing we have going for us is they don't know you're here.

Great. Great.

Yeah.

Dad, this guy knows you!

♪

He's such an idiot!

Morris: Nate!

sh*t! Go! Go! Just go! Go, go, go! Go, go!

Got to eat it.

♪

Woman: ♪ every day is Christmas ♪

Welcome!

♪ with I-o-v-e ♪

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

♪ I-o-v-e ♪
♪ every day is Christmas ♪
♪ with I-o-v-e... ♪

Listen, here's the play.

She and I are gonna throw some kind of mother-daughter hissy fit.

Yeah.

And that should give you plenty of time to make the drop to Vanessa.

Everybody got it? Everybody clear?

Got it.

What do I do?

Go get a pretzel. Another one. Yeah.

Great. Go. Bye. Bye-bye.

I am the ghost of Christmas past!

Hey! Terrific. Tell me all about it.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh!

Uh-huh.

Oh! Oh, this is great.

Okay, well, it all started in the north pole, right?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And give you a little taste of Christmas joy.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. Okay.

Right near the north pole. But wait, I'm not done!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

So what's your name, little boy?

Jareb.

Well, tell me, Jareb, what would you like for Christmas?

I'm good on presents.

[Instrumental "angels we have heard on high" playing]

Am I dumb?

Ooh. That's a lot to unpack there, Jareb.

I don't think you should ever call yourself dumb.

What if I am dumb?

You know, it's funny you bring this up.

But I was on my bathroom break earlier, and I was reading this article that said that people who had a more accurate view of the world tended to be more depressed.

And that's why I think we need to hang on to the fantasies in life that make us feel happier.

Is that really true?

It is true.

Santa does number twos.

Well... I guess that's one takeaway from that story.

[Elf humming]

I'm not a horrible child!

You are...

You're so mean!

You don't know my middle name! You never hug my Teddy bear!

Excuse me, little girl.

You can't push me! You're not my mommy either!

[Morris speaks indistinctly]

[High-pitched screaming]

Oh, lord. Can you take the battery out of her?

Uhh! Oh!

Morris: Hey, let's... let's go.

[Continues screaming]

Go. [Groans]

[Panting]

Okay. Yeah, okay. That was great.

[Playing slow-tempo rock ballad]

♪ Some guys like Muhammed ♪
♪ Some girls like Buddha ♪
♪ Some look to L. Ron ♪
♪ I say coulda, shoulda, woulda ♪
♪ Say goodbye to your sons... ♪

This isn't right Nate, putting it out in the world for god to see.

God, what is wrong with you? Put it down.

What's the matter with you?

He, or should I say her, is going to judge you.

Why do you always have to make this about you and your stupid, insane life?

I have to go to sound check.

Why? You don't play an instrument.

Tambourine.

That's not an instrument.

It's a percussion.

It's not... give me the package.

You'd like that, wouldn't you, huh?

Hey, hey, hey!

Is everyone having a Merry Christmas over here?

Tourists: Scrooge!

How many times do I have to tell you to buzz off?

What's in the package?

It's dr*gs.

It's not dr*gs!

Okay, we're gonna need backup at Cheery Lane.

Hey, sir, you're gonna need to hand that package over to me.

I am gonna tell you for the last time, [bleep] You and [Bleep] Christmas.

[Sprays]

[Screaming] Ow!

Are you okay?

Aah!

Tourists: Scrooge!

[Voice breaks] I really couldn't... no, don't film me.

Aah!

Oh, my god, Nate. I'm so sorry we couldn't hold them.

I'm so sorry, Honey.

[Cries]

Are you crying?

[Voice breaks] No, it's no crying.

Oh, my god. Are you crying again?

It's chemicals!

It's tears.

Mr. Parker, you're in possession of P.F.R. intellectual property that we are here to collect.

Code candy cane. Code candy cane.

Okay, security's just gonna be a second.

No need for that.

Look, Nate, just give us the stuff, Honey.

We'll be on our way.

I can't.

What is it?

It's dr*gs.

It's not dr*gs!

Then what is it?

Don't answer that. Gene will bury you in litigation.

I need you to tell me what this is, okay?

I know, but...

I can't tell you. I can't tell you.

It's me. Honey, it's us. You can tell me.

I don't wanna get in trouble.

You tell them.

All right! What's happening here?

[Gasps loudly] These guys! I told you!

You didn't say the elf was.

Are you serious?

What?

What are the contents of that bag?

It's my bag.

Boys, can we discuss this in private?

What's in the bag?!

It's dr*gs!

Just give 'em the dr*gs!

It's not dr*gs!

I got this!

Nate: Whoa! No!

Who's the bad guy here, huh?

Oh, are you the bad guy?

No, you are!

It was him. He caused all of this.

Vanessa!

All right, no more dicking around.

Lower your w*apon!

Tell us what's in the bag!

It's not what you think it is.

You will not tell them what the product is.

[Whispers] Just tell me what it is.

Man: Lower the g*n!

Morris: P.F.R. N.D.A. declares confidential and/or proprietary information, shall include all material that has or could have commercial value or...

What?!

Morris: Disclosing party is engaged.

That's what this is about?

♪ Lord Jesus. ♪

[All shouting inaudibly]

♪ You please us ♪
♪ Just teach us ♪
♪ Come seize us ♪
♪ Leave me speechless ♪
♪ My Jesus! ♪

[Clank, feedback whines]

Nate: No!

Everybody, stop!

Look in Santa's bag!

[Crowd gasps and murmurs]

It's just some weed. It's for my gout.

[g*nsh*t]

Oh! Damn! Christmas morning!

Everybody, put your weapons down.

It's just hand sanitizer.

Okay.

You have got to be sh1tting me.

It wasn't just hand sanitizer.

Mm-hmm.

It was an industrial strength prototype.

[Clicks pen]

That stuff doesn't even work.

I'm sorry, what part of "99.9% effective" suggests that it doesn't work? Are you a [Bleep] scientist?

Well, soap and water works better.

Yeah, I know it works better.

But what about the areas of the world with limited potable water that has to be saved for consumption?

Okay, what about that then?

Okay, hand sanitizer's impor'ant.

Yes, it is impor'ant.

Okay? And that's what this is all about.

P.F.R. has added dangerous levels of chemicals to their product to give society what?

.1% more?!

That's wrong!

[Hands hit lap, crowd gasps]

And what's wrong is wrong.

[Hands hit lap]

[Crying] I'm right.

Woman: Oh, sad dad.

[Crying] I was right.

Man: Aw.

Could somebody call a doctor?

Nate: Oh, my god! Oh, sh*t!

Oh! Oh, my god! Oh!

Nate: Oh, god.

Robin: That whole area...

You're missing your toe. [Crying]

[Cheering]

[Amplified voice] Everybody, I want you to lower your phones and take a selfie with god.

[Microphone feedback whines]

He retweets your victories and unfollows your sins.

[Rattling]

[Caleb singing indistinctly]

[Sighs deeply]

Maybe we should just go home.

There's no point in going to the conference without the sample.

I have a present for you.

What's this?

The dr*gs.

♪ Just say goodbye to your uncle... ♪

How did you get this?

♪

Everybody, stop! Look in Santa's bag!

Santa: It's just some weed. It's for my gout.

Kid's a dummy.

How awesome is this guy? Huh? He just saved my job.

I gotta admit, that was pretty smart.

♪

You know, maybe I've got this Christmas thing all wrong.

Maybe it's just who you spend it with.

Speaking of which, what do we do about the sh*t show?

Oh, I say we leave her.

I think the structure will be good for her.

[Caleb sings indistinctly]

♪ It's... ♪

This is truly the best Christmas ever.

Merry Christmas.

Mm.

♪

Jesus Christ, you must love this song.

♪ Come seize us ♪
♪ Leave me speechless ♪
♪ My Jesus! ♪