01x10 - The Beach

[bunniefuu]

Just finish the story.

I've already told you everything.

Did your wife sleep with your billionaire boss?

Did you guys break up?

I know you're not married, but are you still together?

And what about your kids? You leave them all alone at the resort?

And that Chazz kid, he was such a d*ck to your daughter.

What about, uh, Billy Evans?

Yeah, did he publish that story on the dangerous hand sanitizer?

Finish the damn story.

Okay.

♪

[Birds calling]

Well, hello there.

I really love this.

And I deserve it.

You know what? You really do.

It's so beautiful.

I wouldn't know.

I'm only looking at you.

Oh, shut up. [Giggles]

But I mean it. This boat? Rock solid.

Yeah, it's really just my shuttle boat.

I couldn't get my ocean liner in this tiny marina.

Oh, my god. You're so rich.

Gupta's voice: Champagne?

What?

Would you like some champagne?

[Ship horn blows]

It's very expensive.

[Horn blows]

Oh. Yeah. Oh, yes. Why... Why stop now?

Right?

[Laughs] Yes, why stop now?

Mmm. It's Norwegian.

Is it?

Given to me by the king himself.

Mm.

You know, this is called "Viking Champagne."

[Under breath] Where the hell are you, Nate?

[Touchscreen clicks]

They have a king. They have a parliament.

[Horns honking]

[Groans]

Come on! Why would you take your t-top off in the rain?

Where did this storm come from?

[Horn honks]

Let's go!

[Horn blares]

[Grunts]

[Muffled voice] I'm sorry!

You think you're in a bigger hurry than us?

I'm sorry, what?

He said, "I'm sorry."

"You think you're in a bigger hurry than us?"

You got an arrow through your chest, man.

[Muffled voice] Puts some sh*t in perspective, doesn't it?

He says, "Puts sh*t in perspective, don't it?"

[Thunder rumbling]

Yeah, I guess it does. Sorry.

You should really get to a hospital.

Yeah, whatever. We got to go to my mama's first.

Get in the driver's seat!

Man: I'm driving.

What the hell is wrong with Florida?

Man: ♪ Somewhere behind the mountains ♪
♪ There is a place I figured out... ♪

[Music warps, rewinds]

[Whirring sound]

♪

My husband, uh, who should be here any minute, he'd love to talk to you about the company.

I love turtles. Look at his face. Just makes me laugh.

You know who else loves turtles? My husband.

[Chuckles]

Um, he also loves his job.

You look very hot.

Oh.

Perhaps you'd like to slip into a bathing suit downstairs?

I'd very much like to see you in one.

I bet you would.

Yes.

Styx: ♪ We'll try ♪
♪ The best that we can ♪

[brakes squeal, thud]

[Engine turns off, seat belt thuds, handle rattles]

♪ To carry ♪

Just open!

♪ On ♪
♪

Oh, sh*t! [Groans]

♪

Robin! Robin!

Don't leave me again!

♪ A gathering of angels ♪
♪ Appeared above my head ♪
♪ They sang to me this song of hope ♪
♪ And this is what they said ♪
♪ They said ♪
♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪
♪ Come sail away with me, lad ♪
♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪
♪ Come sail away with me ♪

[ship horn blows]

Robin!

♪ Come sail away, come sail away ♪

Hey!

♪ Come sail away with me ♪

Wait for me!

♪ Come sail away ♪

[slow-motion voice] Robin!

♪ Come sail away with me ♪

Robin!

Robin!

I'm sorry I don't have a boat!

Nate?

Huh?

What are you doing?!

Oh. I was trying to save you!

From what?

From leaving me.

That's not saving me.

I was trying to save us!

[Panting]

That... oh, god. Oh, god!

Did you think... [Laughing]

Did you think that's a possibility?

Now that I see you laughing, no.

Oh, god.

Robin?

Yeah.

Who is this?

Oh. That is my husband.

Sir, honor to meet you. I'm a... I'm a huge fan.

Were you just jumping after that boat?

I was. That one, yep.

Why did you think that was his boat?

It's a very nice boat.

Yeah, but it's not the boat of a billionaire.

It's not even the boat of a millionaire.

Well, not when I see this boat, no.

And this isn't even the main boat.

What?

This is the boat that gets you to the real boat.

There's two boats.

Even if that tiny fishing boat were my boat, why were you trying to jump after it?

Yeah, it's not like it's a public ferry.

I set my own schedule.

It's a very nice boat.

It was a real sad jump. [Laughs]

Did you trip? 'Cause that's about how far you got.

Am I right? Am I right?

It... it was a very pathetic jump.

Yeah.

[Laughing] It was really bad. It was like...

[Blows raspberries, laughs]

[Laughs]

Are you drunk?

Oh, yes.

Uh, expensive champagne gets you drunk real quick.

[Whispers] I wish I was rich.

Yeah.

Okay, permission to come aboard, captain?

Permission granted.

Thank you. Thank you.

Robin: Missed you, sweetie. It's been a long time.

Yeah, shut up.

Man: ♪ Give me your money, I'll take you to a party ♪
♪ Up front and center ♪
♪ Things might get rowdy ♪

Boy: Chazz! Oh, my god!

[Dubstep music playing]

[Caribbean playing]

[Indistinct conversations, laughter]

He's over there hanging out with his "boyz," and I can't even get him to talk.

[Shouting playfully]

Yeah, Chazz is a d*ck.

I know, but I put in so much time with him.

It'd be stupid to just throw that all away.

The good times still outweigh the bad times.

If you were to go up to him right now, what would you say?

Fist bump.

Awkward, porcupine, Mohawk, reindeer, snowman, orbit, rooster, buck buck buck, starfish.

Yeah!

Yeah, I wouldn't do that.

Sir, I am so grateful for the use of one of your traditional garbs. Namaste.

Yes, it's... It's my sister's.

Ooh, you got one of her kitten bikinis, too.

Stop, stop. Look.

[Clears throat]

[Sighs]

So, sir, the reason I am here, and I have been through quite a journey to get here.

Mm.

But I got it, and it's this.

[Pops lips]

What the hell is that?

Woman: Hand sanitizer?

[Scoffs] That's what this is all about?

Are you kidding me?

Look at what I am offering, and you're just staring at some stupid pack of hand sanitizer?

It's not stupid!

[Files flutter]

This could destroy mankind as we know it!

This stuff doesn't really work, does it?

That's exactly what I said.

Okay, no, no, no, this is not your regular hand sanitizer, okay?

This particular hand sanitizer...

[Inhales deeply] ...Is laced with...

[Ship horn blows in distance]

Triclosan.

Triclosan.

Tri... Triclosan. Tri... is it... Is it Triclosan?

It's Triclosan.

It's Triclosan. Triclosan.

Okay, instead of your usual alcohol-based formulas...

Which are very effective, by the way...

[Clicks teeth] Right.

P.F.R. has put in an antibacterial ingredient which is known to cause endocrine disruption.

I'm sorry, but none of this means anything to me.

I called a lab in Pyongyang... That's the bad Korea...

And they said this sh*t was bad, so you know it's bad.

An E.P.A. study of Triclosan in male rats has shown a decreased level of testosterone in sperm production...

No dude wants that!

With a moderate increase in estrogen levels.

Rat tits.

Mm.

Female rats exposed have shown altered levels of thyroid hormones...

Mm.

And early onset puberty.

You girls grow up fast enough these days.

C.D.C. doesn't endorse it.

A.M.A. put out a scathing report on it.

Tell him about the F.D.A.

They've been fumbling with rulings on it since the Nixon administration.

And that was the president who let all the water out of that gate!

This hand sanitizer is not meant for humans.

I know what I have to do!

[Giggles]

So I ask you, sir, please, please do something about this.

What do you want me to do about it?

Stop it! It's your company. Please.

A very wise man once told me, what's right is right.

What's what is what?

What's right is right.

Mm-hmm.

Who said that?

You did.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. You... you gave a whole speech about it.

I give a lot of speeches.

He lives his life by that.

What does that even mean?

It's like saying apples are apples or left is left.

So black and white. Life is a myriad of color between those two absolutes.

[Voice breaks] But what's right is right.

Chris, these girls are thirsty. Get 'em a drink.

[Women giggle]

[Cellphone blooping] _

[Touchscreen clicking] _

[Bloop] _

[Bloop] _

[Bloop] _

♪

[Bloop] _

[Lowered voice] I don't think he's the man you think he is.

He has a giant sea turtle as a pet.

[Lowered voice] What?

Yeah.

No, sea turtles belong in the ocean.

Exactly.

And he wanted to sleep with me.

Excuse me?

Yes, even after I told him I was married.

[Footsteps approach]

[Sighs] Okay.

Sir, I'm gonna warn you one more time.

If you don't do something about this product, the company will fail.

I was getting ready to sell the company anyway.

Now is a better time than ever.

An overvalued product is about to plummet.

I'll make a mint.

David! Bring in an N.D.A. so he can sign it so I don't get busted again for insider trading.

Sir, if you could just sign this.

[Seabirds calling in distance]

Lobsong?

Choir: ♪ Lobsong came down the mountain ♪

Lobsong, y-your... your leg.

Y-you have one.

I have two legs.

No. No, you... you lost one on... on the mountain.

When you were climb... you hacked it off with a crampon.

You're a Sherpa from Nepal.

Did you even climb K2?

What is that?

The mountain.

Called what again?

K2!

You had a whole story about it!

Sir, this agreement states that as an employee of P.F.R., you...

Mnh-mnh. He's not an employee.

You are if you sign that paper.

What?

Yeah, what?

Sign that paper, and you will be a forever employee of T.P.R.

P.F.R.

Whatever.

Nate Parker, chief executive in charge of "who gives a sh*t?"

Sign it.

What?

Sign it.

Right here.

♪

[Whispers] Come on. Get it.

♪

[Mouths words]

♪

No.

[Scoffs]

No. I have put 15 years into this company, and this is how you repay me?

Grow up, Nate. Insider trading. Everybody does it.

I'm talking about trying to sleep with my wife.

Nobody does that except for me.

Well, sometimes.

Excuse me?

Is that what she told you?

"She"?

[Scoffs] You must be, like, 50.

Wait. Wait. Whoa! I am 39.

Robin, look outside. What do you see?

p*ssy!

p*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy.

[Women giggling]

p*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy, p*ssy, and p*ssy.

Yes, that is a lot of...

p*ssy!

Yes, it's like an aquarium of p*ssy.

Women: Hi!

[Sighs]

I mean, why would I want to sleep with you?

Because you wanted to see me in a bikini.

A bikini? I said maybe you'd be more comfortable in a nice one-piece... You're a mother, for god sake.

Oh. [Breathing heavily]

Oh, what?

You're gonna punch me out now like some big, dumb goon?

Baby, he's not worth it.

[Breathing heavily]

You are so lucky my wife is a reasonable person, [mouths words]

Because if not, you would be in a world of pain right now, my friend.

Let's go, babe.

Where are you going?

[Hands fall in lap]

Where are you going? That's the front of the boat.

I'm taking her home.

I already told you, I don't wanna sleep with her.

Oh, don't worry. You're not.

But I'm not talking about my wife.

It might not make any sense to you, pal, but...

[Strained voice] What's right...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Is right!

No, no, no, no, no!

Go home, little girl! Whoo! Whoo! You're free!

She's not free! She's dead!

What are you talking about?

That's a land turtle! She can't swim!

What?

You just k*lled a 200-year-old animal!

[Bubbles gurgling]

You idiot! Get off my boat!

Hey.

I'm sorry.

Go!

Let's go.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Come on. Come on, come on.

You said it was a sea turtle.

You k*lled her!

Robin: What's the difference?

Oh, my god. This is such a disaster.

So that's it? You're just gonna give up?

Babe, what do you want me to do?

I want you to march into that conference center and tell the world about how...

It's not the world, all right?

It's the topical surfactants and alcohol hygiene community.

Sure, sure. Okay, yeah.

But they need to know that this stuff is dangerous.

I can't do that here. It would blow up the company.

Exactly!

I've got friends that work there.

I understand that, but sometimes you have to blow things up to truly save them.

[Sighs]

Is that our son?

[Gasps] Oh, god. I haven't thought of them all day.

[Whispers] We are such bad parents.

Those are hookers.

Hey, guys, you having a good time? You need anything else?

If we're gonna do this, I-I need a change of clothes.

Oh, don't worry. I got you covered.

[Chuckles] Come on, babe, let's go.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey, Gene.

Dude, this dip is the sh*t.

[Chuckles] Having a good time with the kids?

[Mouth full] Which one? The dipshit or the assh*le?

[Chuckles]

I'll tell you, the only thing good about this trip is what I picked up.

Souvenirs?

No. Hookers, you dipshit.

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, dude, we're pulling the trigger tonight.

[High-pitched voice] We're pulling the trigger tonight.

[Laughs]

Bow chicka bow wow.

Is your wife having a good time?

Thanks, Bill. Should only be, like, five minutes.

You have yourself a good time.

[Chuckles] Thanks.

Where's mom and dad?

Oh, they're in there.

They're gonna blow up the company.

Oh, god. There's vomit all over this suit.

Well, then do what I did and pick one of those.

I'm not gonna steal somebody else's clothes.

It's a victimless crime.

Yeah, except for the person's suit you steal...

Which is... Actually really nice.

Oh, that is nice. That would fit you.

It really would.

We're really gonna bring down this company.

[Exhales] No regrets, right? It's for the greater good.

Like, we're really gonna do it.

Yeah, we're really gonna do it.

Wait. Should I do it?

Oh, come on, baby.

Let's get it through your big, thick skull.

We're doing this. We're doing it.

We're gonna do it.

Yeah, we're gonna do it.

God, you look so beautiful in this dress.

Thanks. Thank you, baby. Mmm.

Robin: [Kissing] Mmm. We're doing this. We're doing it.

Nate: We're gonna do it.

Yeah, we're gonna do it.

Honest, I can't get this dress off.

I know. Just rip it off.

Nate: That's it. That's it.

And you're gonna jerk it. Like, yank it.

Okay.

Jerk it off, babe!

Ew.

I got it! I got it! I got it.

Yank... [groans]

Oh, god.

Ugh! He's so rough.

Oh, it's so tight.

Well, just keep going.

It's so tight.

[Groans loudly]

You got it. You got it.

It's so...

Oh, god. Don't stop. Don't stop.

So g*dd*mn tight!

Don't stop.

Ew!

It's coming.

Almost there. Almost there.

Pull it. Pull it out. Pull it out.

Ah! Almost there!

Pull it out!

I'm almost there!

You're so close. Oh, god.

Ow!

Oh, get it!

Aah! Aha!

Oh!

Oh, god.

Ohh!

Oh, god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, god.

Thank you so much for that.

Oh, god.

Should we have sex?

Are you kidding me? The kids are right there.

So inappropriate.

[Whispers] Sorry.

[Amplified voice] And why? Because right is right.

That makes sense, right?

[Microphone feedback whines]

Okay, and... now to present our latest product is, um... this guy from that place over there. Yeah.

[Applause]

[Amplified voice] Thank you, Mr. Gupta.

Mr. Gupta, what an inspiration, right, folks?

[Audience murmurs]

My gosh. Thank you, sir.

All right. Innovation. Technology. Cleanliness.

That's the P.F.R. way.

♪

Gene: First, there were the pyramids.

Then there was the wheel.

And then there was surfactants.

♪

Little factoid for you...

When Caesar crossed into Gaul, he lost about 97% of his legion.

And do you know why?

Filthy surfaces.

♪

So what we did was sent our people out with q-tips...

I just wanna make sure you guys are ready for this, all right?

You're saving people's lives.

The only thing that matters is standing right here.

[Whispers] You're so smart.

Okay, family vote.

Do we blow the whistle on this company?

Blow the whistle.

Blow the whistle.

What are we waiting for? Let's blow it.

♪

Listen...

[Whistle blows]

Billy: Stop!

Gene: Everybody, calm down. Calm down.

[Continues blowing whistle]

Is he literally blowing a whistle?

This product will destroy mankind!

Listen up! My name is Billy Evans, and I uncovered and researched this story all by myself.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Do you know him?

Th-that guy?

Yeah.

No.

Hey! Hey, get off me, you douchebags!

I'm a journalist.

Human beings aren't meant to use this product.

That's absolutely right.

Admission of guilt!

You heard it here! It's on the record!

This is not meant for humans!

That's right. It is meant for doorknobs.

What?

Why are you so concerned about a bunch of doorknobs?

Oh, that's what we call our customers now?

Yeah, 'cause that's what they are.

No, this product was specifically designed to sanitize doorknobs in public toilets, you dipshit.

[Murmuring]

Well, that would've been embarrassing.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are so excited about this product.

That's a really great product. Yeah.

It really is.

We've sold it to 500 municipalities and counting.

And with the proceeds, we plan to give back to third-world nations.

[Audience gasps and murmurs]

And how about the philanthropy, huh?

No kidding. Yeah.

This company rocks.

The time for cleanliness has come, and P.F.R. is at the forefront.

Right?

[Cheers and applause]

♪

Oh! [Laughs]

Okay. Who wants to hit the beach?

I do.

Let's go.

[Birds calling]

[Waves rolling]

[Sighs deeply]

Can't believe we actually made it.

I really can't. I really can't.

[Laughs]

Who's that dude?

That's that Chazz kid, isn't it?

No.

Yeah.

Is it?

Yeah.

No, she would've told me if he was here.

You sure?

Yeah, I mean, come on.

After everything we've been through, I think I know my girl pretty well.

That's true.

We're closer than ever, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

♪

Loudon Wainwright III: ♪ Everything ♪

[laughs]

♪ She sees. ♪

Oh, god!

♪ She says she wants ♪

[Camera shutter clicks]

[Touchscreen clicking]

♪ Everything ♪
♪ She wants. ♪

Nate: Aah!

♪ I see she gets ♪
♪ That's my daughter in the water ♪

Hey. Hey!

Hey.

Hey! Hey! Stop that.

Hey, relax, relax. She'll be okay.

Ew!

See?

Oh. Oh!

Ooh.

[Laughs] Whoa!

Jesus.

Should we... nah. Kinda needed that.

The goon runs strong in this family.

♪ Everything she knows ♪

Are you... are you applauding?

[Laughs] I am.

Douche.

♪ Everything ♪

[sighs]

♪ I say ♪
♪ She takes to heart ♪

[sighs]

♪ Everything ♪

[birds calling]

Well, this is boring.

Yeah. Ready to go?

Yeah. We got a long drive back home.

[Groans]

Let's go.

I gotta tell ya, it's pretty great little story.

Yeah, it's okay.

So, let me ask you something.

How'd you get home?

Oh, come on. That's what this is about?

Delilah: Insurance pays for a whole new car?

Robin: Mm.

All right, back away, everybody. I got the last one.

Come on!

Get some! Yeah!

Say goodbye to her, kids!

Say goodbye!

[Thud]

♪

[Thud]

Come on!

It looked so much deeper than that!

You've kept me here for almost five hours interrogating me over a little insurance fraud?

We're not concerned with the insurance money.

Then why the hell do you have eight government agencies, including fish and wildlife, here?

Oh, I'm not with these guys.

I'm working down the hall on something else.

I just wanted to see how the story ends.

We're actually not concerned with you at all.

We are looking for this woman.

[File thuds]

Robin Randall.

A.K.A. Robin Rabinowitz, A.K.A.. Virginia Rabinowitz, A.K.A.. Virginia Montana, A.K.A.. Regina Alberta, A.K.A.., A.K.A.., A.K.A..

Mr. Parker, just how well do you know your wife?

♪

Clearly not... As well as I thought.

Pretty great cliffhanger, huh?

[Sighs deeply]