01x01 - First Call

[bunniefuu]

(CREAKING)

(GATE OPENS)

Hello?

Is someone there?

(SIGHS)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(MAN GROWLING)

Man 1: Hello? I need your help.

Woman 1: My books are reading themselves.

Man 2: A truck's stolen itself!

Woman 2: The costume shop comes alive at night.

Man 3: My glasses aren't letting me see.

DJ Freckles: Cock a doodle doo! Rise and shine, Coolum. You're listening to DJ Freckles--

Spaniel: .. and Spaniel--

.. on 98.6 Coolum FM.

(HORN SCREECHES)

The big news this morning is the break-in at Frequent Fryers Chicken.

(VOCALISING)

So stay sharp, Coolum, and keep on plucking.

Danielle: Hi, you've reached Danielle.

Leave me a message.

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)

Toby: Hi, Danielle. Good to hear your voice on the machine, again.

Hi, I'm here, safe. So, uh... Yeah.

Pity that you couldn't see me off like you promised.

But you know, hey.

Um...

(SIGHS) So this is...

I don't know, like the fourth time I've called.

Um... (INHALES SHARPLY)

I'd just love to talk to you.

Bye-bye.

It's Toby, by the way. It's Toby Banks...

(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)

Message bank is full. Sorry.

Oh, far out.

Wait! No, no! Hello! Come back, come back. Stop! Stop!

(SIGHS) You've got my boots.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING AT A DISTANCE)

(PANTING)

(DOG BARKS)

(WOMEN GIGGLING)

Kath: Just don't worry.

That'll be the new look at Coolum High next week.

Really?

No.

(CHUCKLES) Suits you, though.

(CREAKING)

Johnson: Ah, Sarge?

No, Johnson, it's three pieces each, okay?

I'm not discussing it further. Finish.

No, Sarge. Banks is here from the city.

Toby: I'm starting today.

You were... You were going to pick me up from the bus stop.

Of course. Tony Banks.

Terry.

Toby.

Tommy.

Toby Banks.

Banks.

Hi.

Well, Banks, we're pretty busy today, as you can see.

Yeah, so, um, wh-what happened?

Somebody broke in last night, smashed the place up.

Strange thing is, not a cent was taken from the till.

Oh.

Could have been worse?

Could it?

(FLIES BUZZING)

Toby: Jesus!

Quite the feeding frenzy.

His cholesterol must be through the roof.

(CHUCKLES)

Was that funny?

No.

(JOHNSON SCOFFS)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Is that, um...

Chicken blood.

I'd recognise that anywhere.

Any suspects?

(SIGHS) Not yet.

But rest assured, Banks, Coolum's finest are on the job.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Oh, step aside, Banks! Oh-ho, there's an artist at work.

(HAROLD CHUCKLES)

The boys from Noosa have been trying to pinch Jones for years.

(HAROLD LAUGHS)

Neil: Eh?

How was, uh, Alice Houghton's big day?

Look for yourself.

Oh, poor thing. You can just tell she's pregnant, can't you?

Mmm. The dress just doesn't hide it.

Neil: He looks weird.

Harold: Hmm.

Honestly, I don't think he's the father.

No, no.

Neil: I mean, half the town could be, but certainly not him.

Neil: Hey, Sarge!

Neil: Ugh! Banks!

It's barbecue sauce.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Neil: Welcome to HQ, Detective.

Toby: This is my office?

Neil: Yes.

And you'll be living here too.

Toby: What?

Does the Deputy Commissioner know about this?

Oh, he knows.

It was his idea.

This was Dad's idea?

Mmm-hmm.

Why can't I just stay at the police station with everyone else?

We lock it up at night.

What if I have to arrest someone?

(SCOFFS)

In Coolum? At night? Everyone's asleep.

But the break in at Frequent Fryers...

A one off, Banks.

It won't happen again on my watch.

Sarge, I'd really much prefer to stay...

Listen, Banks, this has always been HQ for Coolum's night shift officer, okay?

And your Dad thought a stint out here might do you some good.

Neil: Think of this caravan as the front line.

First port of call for people in need of assistance.

Now, you do want to help people, don't you?

Yes, of course I do.

Good.

Of course I want to help people.

Good.

Okay, well, how... how do I get around?

Neil: You must wear a helmet, though.

Toby: Seriously?

Ah, yes. It's a crime not to.

Also, we have a possum problem here, so if you have any trouble just go...

(VOCALISING BIRD SCREECHING)

...and they should back off.

They should.

All right, I'm going to get going.

(CAR BEEPS)

Sarge, wait!

No, no, Sarge, you haven't told me...

Just answer the phone.

What?

Is that it? That's the job?

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

Sarge. Sarge.

What?

Are there any keys?

It doesn't lock.

No, Sarge...

Just answer the phone.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(TOBY SIGHS)

Coolum Beach Police. (EXHALES)

Hello again, Mrs. Merrylease.

(SIGHS) Mrs. Merrylease, it's 1:00 in the morning. Can...

I know you miss Mr. Kosciuszko, but cats die.

Why don't you put the bowls away? They're just going to remind you of him.

So you woke up and your shoe size has changed.

You've been kidnapped?

By your parents.

Ah, how old are you?

Are you sure they're not your brother's shoes, or your wife's shoes, or...

Yep.

(SNIFFS)

You can't see in one eye?

It's more of a medical thing.

Yes, Mrs. Merrylease.

They are like little people, aren't they?

Okay.

Gotta go now.

Bye-bye.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(GATE CREAKS OPEN)

Ahhh!

Get out! Get out!

(GASPING)

Get away from my games!

(SCREAMING)

(WHIMPERING)

Who are ya?

I'm Toby Banks...

(SCREAMING)

I'm the new night policeman...

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(PHONE) Say cheese.

(SIGHS)

I hope you like chess.

What?

Checkers?

Huh?

How about Hero Quest?

In this game, nothing's what it seems.

Toby: Right. This isn't Hero Quest.

Oh yeah, I had to change the name for legal reasons.

Toby: You made this?

Yeah.

But whatever Milton Bradley tells you, I came up with the idea first.

Right. And who do you play in, um, Crumpet Quest?

The wizard, of course.

He's the only one that can cast spells.

What about you? Are you an elf man?

I'd go dwarf.

(LAUGHS)

The fattest and most unpopular character in the whole game.

No one likes him.

I tell you one thing. He's a tough little bugger.

Hmm.

Sorry to be rude.

Who are you?

Oh.

Gregor's the name. I'm the, uh, ah, night security for the town.

You know, I lock up the toilets, the parks and, ah, just generally keep an eye on things.

Can get pretty weird around here once the sun goes down.

Tell me about it. I've been going through, ah, some of these call logs.

Some of this stuff's ridiculous.

Some of those cries for help are more real than you can possibly imagine.

I call them...

The Strange Calls.

(SCOFFS) Huh, good. Yes, I call them prank calls.

Listen to this one. Um...

Caller requires assistance, rescuing tree stuck up cat.

I'll assume that's a typo.

(SIGHS) Sadly, no. Poor Mrs. Morris. (CHUCKLES)

Turned out to be a horticultural matter in the end.

Right.

Uh... "It rains when I cry"?

Oh, yeah. Aaron McLisky. (CHUCKLES)

When his Sheila dumped him, the soccer fields flooded.

All right. Um...

"Man owes giant squid, millions of dollars."

Chris Owen.

(SCOFFS) Sad story.

Hard to believe, really.

Very. Yes.

It is.

Strange town, son.

You better get used to it.

(PHONE RINGING)

Coolum Beach Police, Officer Banks speaking. How may I help you?

A burglary? For real?

Four, six, four? Argh, unlock!

(HORN HONKING)

Well, are you comin'? I've got Sherbies!

His... his chicken was stolen.

(P.J SOBBING)

Phone: Say cheese.

Phone: Say cheese.

A chicken?

Right.

I, uh...

I knew Mr. Percival, son. He was a... handsome bird.

Wonderful plumage.

Toby: Mmm, sure. Great.

(SNIFFS) Maybe, um, it was, perhaps, uh, a feral cat, or a fox.

A fox couldn't do this sort of damage.

A really angry fox.

It wasn't a fox.

Okay, so you saw what did it?

P.J: No.

But I heard it. It was a monster.

Okay. Um...

P.J, do you want to maybe...

Why don't you tell me what the monster sounded like.

Something like... (CRYING)

Sorry, is he... Is he crying now, or is that the sound he thinks it made?

I... I... I think he's crying.

Yeah?

(CHUCKLES)

Gregor: Mount Coolum.

Takes your breath away, doesn't she?

Second biggest volcanic boulder in the world.

You know, some people say she's a beacon, a magnet that draws strange things to the town.

Gregor, Gregor.

I found these at the bottom of the coop.

They're human teeth.

Oh, oh!

Oh, yuck!

No! No, you don't just go handing that to someone.

Well I do.

Well you should warn them first, or something.

Yuck!

(SIGHS)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

Hi, Danielle.

Hi.

How are ya? Thank you for calling, so much.

What's that, um...

Where... where are you? Are you out?

Huh, uh...

No.

I... I understand.

Yeah, with me being here, it's a... it's a distance thing.

No, I don't need to know his name.

Oh, Josh.

Right. Wait, Josh from touch football?

No, I... just... d... ah...

Doesn't he already have a girlfriend?

Oh!

No, I... I can actually... I can hear her there, now, too.

Josh is a lucky guy.

No, I don't have to talk to Josh.

Oh... (CHUCKLES) Hi Josh.

Please... please don't put me on speaker phone.

Hi everyone.

Yes.

Okay, well look, I don't... I don't want to be rude, but, um, I'm at work, so I've gotta go.

So have a fun night, everyone. Bye-bye.

Fun night! Everyone!

(SIGHS)

Son.

(SAD MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(SIGHS)

You all right, son?

Well...

Jesus!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Ahhh!

What the hell was that?

Ow! Ow!

(TOBY GROANS)

Mr. Percival.

I'd know that plumage anywhere.

Ah! Ahhh!

I... I know, son. Come here. Come.

I just can't believe it.

(TOBY SOBBING)

Don't worry. We'll...

Gregor: we'll find him.

(TOBY SNIFFLES) What?

Do you think that I am upset about a chicken?

Is that what you think all of this is?

Huh?

See the thing is, I never get upset. Never!

Not even when I have to take a three hour bus trip to Coolum and there's no one there to pick me up.

Or when the Sergeant doesn't know my name.

Or when I see my new office, it turns out to be a caravan!

A...a crappy, rusty old heap of sh*t caravan.

And I don't get upset when an old man hoses me down and then hands me some human teeth!

And I don't get upset when my girlfriend breaks up with me, for some reason, for a guy who's called Josh and plays touch football. Touch!

And I never, never get upset when I find myself standing in the middle of the night, in a street, in the middle of the road, at 3:00 in the morning, crying in front of an 80 year old stranger!

I am 47!

I am leaving!

(ECHOES)

Come on!

(PHONE RINGING)

There is no one here!

I thought you were different, but you're doing exactly what they want you to do.

They want you to quit.

My Dad... my Dad did not send me here to quit.

That's why they send them all here.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

Gregor: You chicken!

Can you imagine what would happen if the fat dwarf packed up and left the wizard?

I'm beginning to see why you're not at home with your wife.

Now listen, son.

You rolled the dice, now make your move.

You can't skip a turn just 'cause you don't like the numbers.

Now don't you think the fat dwarf wasn't absolutely f*ckin' sh*t scared when he went down into Sublobular's dungeons?

Of course he was!

But when things got hard, he had a partner.

The wizard.

They became a team.

Now Banks, you and I can become a team.

We can... really help people.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello, this is Toby Banks, Coolum's night desk officer.

I'm quitting because I've got no girlfriend, I've got a black eye, I've lost my shoes, I'm a bit fat, and a few other things I don't want to talk about, and mostly because your town is crazy.

Man (sobbing): Help me!

(GULPS, VOICE QUIVERS)

(CREAKING)

(BABY CRYING)

(CREAKING)

(MAN SOBBING)

Toby: Hello?

(STRAINING)

Man: Don't... don't come any closer!

Stay... back.

(STUTTERS) Stay away from me.

I don't want you here!

Okay.

No, no, you... you called me, remember?

Yeah, 20 minutes ago.

Well, it's... it's pretty quick by bike.

Too late. I'm gonna do what I should have done last night.

(STUTTERS) I'm... I'm gonna (CLUCKS) burn this place to the ground.

And me with it.

No, no, no, no!

Just relax, relax, relax.

Look, I'm putting the torch away.

Okay? It's away.

Huh, huh?

There it goes. Okay, now, everyone just... Ah!

Everyone just needs to calm down a sec.

(CLUCKING)

(WHIMPERS)

I don't want to turn.

I... I don't wanna (CLUCKS) become...

Become a criminal?

(SOBS)

Because that's what you will become.

No, no, no! So why don't we just step away and put the oil down, and we... we just talk, we just talk, like normal people.

I'm not normal.

You don't know what I've done.

No, I do. I know all about Mr. Percival.

Wait, who?

The chicken you stole.

He had a name?

Oh, what have I done?

(CRYING)

Adios!

(SCREAMING)

My eyes!

Come... Come here! Give me your hand.

Ahhh!

No!

Oh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(GASPING)

(SCOFFS)

(GROANS)

What...

Get lost.

Toby: I told you not to follow me.

Gregor: It's a good thing I did, isn't it?

Don't take him to see Sarge, Banks.

I mean, the boy is sick.

We can help him.

I just arrested the guy who broke into Frequent Fryers.

I'm not going to let him go.

(CLUCKS)

What's your name, son?

Nick.

Nicholas.

Oh, that's Santa's name.

That's beautiful.

(SIGHS) Can I ask what happened to your hand?

Do you guys like chicken?

Yes, it's delicious.

I've been eating chicken at Frequent Fryers, every day for six months.

Jesus!

I've... (CLUCKS) been eating there so much...

(WHISPERED) I'm turning into a chicken.

Well he's showing all the symptoms.

His teeth are falling out, he has a fear of foxes.

No, I'm n... (GASPS) No, no...

Huh?

Yes. But it's worse than that.

Oh! Gross, gross!

I just vomited in my mouth.

Phone: Say cheese.

(CRYING)

I've seen this before.

Where have you seen this before?

I've seen it before.

Don't make things up.

You've never seen this before...

I'm telling you I've seen it before.

Ugh!

How do you spell disgusting?

D-I-S-G...

Gregor!

Gregor!

(SOBBING)

You must think I'm a freak.

What? No, no, ah, course not.

I am a freak. Look... look at me. Look at my hand.

Ugh! Yes, yep, okay. It's okay.

I've tried to control my cravings...

(CLUCKING) but... they're too strong.

Okay.

Even after you closed down the shop, I still wanted more.

That's why I took Mr. Prendergast.

Uh...

Mr. Percival.

I was gonna eat him!

(CRYING)

I'm a monster.

You're not a monster, son.

You're a chicken.

(WAILING)

Before I turn, I need you to write a letter to my dad.

Mum d*ed when I was 10...

Isn't that something you... you might want to do yourself?

Yep, okay. Forgot. Sorry.

It's just that I can't...

Yeah, no, I know. I know. grip.

Toby: Yep. I get it. I'll do it.

Really loves Frequent Fryers.

So, we've got sad at school...

Mmm-hmm.

...sad when Mum d*ed, and sad again about losing bike.

Anything else you want to add?

Finish it with P.S....

I'm turning into a chicken.

Right, is... that something that you want to leave for the P.S.?

Phone: Oh, you have a Twitter!

Can you turn that onto silent, please?

I'm getting a lot of tweets about his hand.

Can I see? (SNIFFLES)

I don't think so, son, they're... mostly pretty negative.

No, I meant the letter.

(SOBBING) Oh, that...

(CRYING)

That's me?

Yeah, I thought so.

What's gonna happen to me?

Well, depends on the circumstances.

Whether you have any priors. Uh...

The transformation will be like something you've... never experienced before.

Here's an aspirin for the pain.

(GULPS)

(CHICKENS CLUCKING OUTSIDE)

They're all waiting for you, Nicholas.

All right, let's go.

(DOG BARKING)

(SCREAMING)

Banks!

Toby: Sarge.

(SCREAMING)

This better be good.

Oh, it is, Sarge.

Uh, I've arrested the guy who broke into Frequent Fryers.

Mr. Henderson already confessed to the break in.

What?

Arthur Henderson is a liar.

I have told you to keep your nose out of police business!

And I know the glue in my letterbox is you.

(SCREAMING)

Banks, go home.

Please, sir. Just come out to the car with me.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(ROOSTER CROWING)

Great first day, Banks.

Oh, hello there.

Hi.

Sarge tells me you're leaving?

Yes. Uh, I just don't think this is the place for me.

Oh, that's a shame.

How about a drink?

Oh, ah, I'd love to, um, I mean, I'm busy now, but I mean...

Here, you can have Neil's.

Yeah, cool. Sorry. Yes. That was...

Okay, well, I guess, see you.

Bye-bye.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, hello there cushions.

I told you never to call me that, Neil.

Ever.

I'm sorry. (CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, ah, just need your autograph on this and we're done.

Ahem! It's a pretty tough job, Banks.

I'm not surprised at your decision.

And, uh, neither is the Deputy Commissioner.

Dad said that?

Big time.

Spoke to him this morning. Don't worry.

Not everybody's cut out to help people.

Did Kath leave that for me?

No.

Um, that's the last one. Sorry.

Well, you're not the first person to quit that post, Banks, and you won't be the last.

(SIGHS) Let's just get this over with, shall we?

Perfect. (LAUGHS)

Phone: Oh, you have a Twitter!

They like you, Banks.

Who?

My Twitter followers.

Gregorsucksballs87 says that:

"you are fat in a cute way."

What?

Yeah.

Gregor, you can't just tweet a photo of me without asking.

Well I did ask. I asked very quietly and you nodded.

I was drying my hair.

(CHICKEN CLUCKING)

Mr. Percival!

Hey, do not come in.

(PHONE RINGING)

You'll scratch the floors.

You'll scratch the floors, just like you did last time.

Gregor: I think you should get that, son!

Gregor: You're only a little chicken.

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

Gregor: Mr. Percival, get out of here!

Coolum Beach Police, Officer Banks speaking. How can I help you?

Man: Look, ah, there's a griffin drinking from my swimming pool. It's not a problem... Oh, my God! Oh my God, it's fallen in! Oh my God! He's drowning! (CRYING)