04x08 - Dave's TV Show

[bunniefuu]

[Garbled] So, what's up?

I don't know. All of it.

I mean, I got no woman, no income.

I'll be broke in a couple weeks from paying for that hotel since I left Shirley.

Stop whining. Get into action.

Clean off those crumbs. Put the cookies together.

Maybe you should start looking for a job.

I don't know where to start.

Just put it out there, man. Tell all your friends.

Ugh. What friends?

I b*rned almost every bridge when I was out there, except for Dave.

I'm not gonna ask him.

Why not?

I was always doing better than him, right?

And now he's got all this cool sh*t going on, so now I'm the bottom-feeder guy.

It's just embarrassing. It would be embarrassing, Gerry.

More embarrassing than living on the street in two weeks?

Huh?

I don't know. I'll think about it.

It's close. It's a close call.

You know, there's more of those in the garbage, if you want.

All right, all right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look. There's one right here.

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

You know, Nina and I just remodeled the kitchen.

And once you get into Italian granite, it's a nightmare.

I have a question...

Who are you, and what did you do with Dave?

All right. [Sighs] I understand that.

It's hard for me to get used to me like this, too.

All right. Uh, what's going on with work?

You know, running your own show and starring in it's hard work, and I don't like people.

I don't like feeling things.

Mm. Yeah, yeah. I hear you.

I had to take three buses over here.

Okay. No, it's all about you.

All right, look, I'm sorry. All right.

Let's... Okay. What's the show about?

Uh, it's about my life as a podcaster.

It's really real and raw and honest.

Cool.

Good. Great.

All right, look, man, if you hear of... about any of the other shows on the lot needing, like, drivers or crew or whatever, I'm looking for a gig.

Yeah. Sure. I can do that.

Thanks.

I don't like asking you for anything.

[Scoffs] I get that.

You know what, though?

Nina and I have a really huge empty guest room, if you want to stay at our house.

Be cool to have you around.

All right, look, just... just stop it.

All right, just... just stop it.

What do you mean?

I get what you're doing.

You're just trying to make me feel like a bigger loser than I already feel like. I get it, okay?

So, stop.

Okay, it's called being a friend.

Yeah? Well, I don't trust it.

Wow.

Rehab really worked.

[Gasps] There he is... that tone.

That's the Dave. That's the Dave that I remember.

[Mid-tempo music plays]

[Chuckling] Hey, Marc.

Holy sh*t. This your house?

This is crazy, man.

Yeah. It's crazy.

Nina, Marc's here!

She's a little b*at. She just came from surgery.

Oh. What happened?

No, she's a brain surgeon.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

That's real?!

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how she does it.

I don't know how she does a lot of things. I mean...

Hey.

You want some fresh wheatgrass?

Sure.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

Long way from the shed, man.

Hey. Shed never happened.

Hi. I'm Nina.

Hi.

Hi.

It's nice to finally meet you.

You, too.

It's for real.

I just... I mean...

If... If you knew him back in the day, I-I... you wouldn't believe that he would ever be with someone like you.

It's a compliment. I'm s... I'm sorry.

Every girl needs a fixer-upper, right, Dave?

Yes, Doctor.

We are so happy to have you staying here with us.

Sounds like you had a rough go this last year.

I have a brother who has some issues, so no shame here.

Um, if... if you're not here on your own free will, I can call the authorities.

[Laughs]

I'm ser... I'm serious.

Dave, show him his room. Shampoo is under the sink.

I get to have sex with her... a lot.

[Sighs] I need a nap.

Don't let the dolls creep you out.

Whoa.

I don't know if that's gonna be possible.

That's her thing.

[Sighs]

Oh!

Yeah. They're...

Hey!

They're... They're haunted... some of them.

Oh, my God.

Listen, uh, I want to talk to you about work that you brought up.

Oh, no, dude, seriously.

If... If that's not gonna happen, it's fine.

You know, you're already letting me stay here with you.

No, no, no, no.

I-I want to give you a job on the show as a writer.

What? Seriously?

Yeah. It makes perfect sense.

Look, you know me better than these Hollywood clowns.

You need a gig. I need someone who gets me.

Man!

Oh, dude.

I am, like, honestly touched.

Thank you.

Ohh!

All right. That's good.

Oh, Marc Maron!

Hey! Gregg Schup from Busca.

Gregg.

Hey.

Oh, from Busca.

Yeah.

Hey. I'm sorry about what happened.

Oh. No, no, no. Hey. We're good.

Yeah. My old man was a drinker, so I get it.

Mm.

He's big with the vodka and smacking my mother around.

Mm.

We move on.

Yeah.

Right? And, hey, you're looking good, sir.

I was psyched to hear Dave brought you on board.

I love Dave.

Is this a Busca show?

No, no, no. This is Showlist.

Isn't that the TV listing channel?

Well, now we're into comedy development.

Of course.

I'm Senior V.P.

Right.

Busca was amateur hour.

It was a g*dd*mn search engine.

What did people expect, right?

[Chuckling] Right.

But Showlist is happening!

Move over, Netflix!

Wow. Yeah. Well, good luck with it.

Hey, and to you, too, Showlist family member.

[Chuckles]

Hey, Marc. Everybody, this is Marc Maron.

Hi.

Hi, Marc.

How you doing?

Marc's career hit rock bottom, but now he's here.

[Laughter]

Um, uh, we do not have a chair for Marc.

Uh, Brett, can you, uh, grab a chair?

I'd love to.

Dave: Hey, buddy. You're fired.

Brett: Why? What did I do?!

This is bullshit!

Hey. Just go ahead and sit in that chair.

Brett coming back?

Who's Brett?

All right.

Where were we? Oh.

h*nky the dog... the r*cist dog.

I love r*cist dogs. [Barks]

Okay, so, Dave, uh, being unaware, like most guys, foolishly buys his lady some earrings... the same earrings he got her two years earlier... the theme kind of being how men don't really "see" women.

Yeah. I saw that on "According to Jim."

Okay. Weird, 'cause it happened to my brother, but okay.

[Pop!]

Marc, just get, like, a feel of how I run the room, you know?

Just listen today.

Yep. Yep.

Hobo-looking guy, what do you got?

Okay.

W-What if Dave gets rid of his assistant to save money, but then he feels lonely, so he makes up unnecessary stuff for him to do in order to keep him around.

Okay, so, uh, I'm about to really lose it... so I'm gonna to my office and masturbate.

And when I come back, I'd love to hear some ideas.

[Slap!]

[Slapping]

All right, where were we? Right... Show ideas.

Larry... nothing!

Frank... nothing!

Rich... nothing!

Janet... nothing!

Phil, we good?

Yeah, it's all good, man.

Zach... nothing!

We suck... all of you.

You know what? I guess I have to save the show again.

All right. I got a story that actually happened to me, not my brother or Jim Belushi.

So, uh, I had a possum die under my house.

Uh, and it stunk, and I was just way too freaked out to go in the crawl space, and my assistant was, too.

So we had to pay a Mexican guy to go under there.

And he pulls the possum out, bare-handed.

Well, there you go. That's your episode.

No sh*t, guy over there.

Okay, so, uh, I'm gonna go down to editing, and, uh, we're just gonna talk sh*t about you idiots.

Unbelievable.

That story? That didn't happen to Dave.

That happened to me.

It's my house, my assistant, my Mexican.

Who cares? It doesn't matter.

Matters to me. It's my life, man.

And now it's Dave's. Welcome to being a writer.

Suck it up. I have a family.

Yeah. How's that going for you?

Not great.

Mm-hmm.

Marc: All right, you know, I-I got to ask.

[Soft music plays]

How did you two meet?

Oh.

Ah.

[Chuckles]

I was driving home.

Mm-hmm.

And I had to pee, so I stopped at a restaurant near the hospital.

And Nina came in in scrubs.

And I asked her how long she'd been a nurse.

[Laughs]

Wrong question to ask a female doctor.

[Laughing] Right.

Especially after nine hours of surgery.

Mm-hmm.

So, I let him have it... called him an ignorant Neanderthal sexist who needed a slap in the face.

Oh, he's heard that before.

Yeah. And I was like, "Start slapping, bitch. Let's see what ya got."

It was so absurd, I just started laughing.

I mean, he's nothing like any of the guys I'd been seeing.

Yeah, well, there's nothing like that.

But... I mean, but what kind of guys were you seeing?

Oh, mostly doctors.

Mm.

Jew doctors.

Mm.

[Chuckles]

Um... I'm... I'm Jewish.

Oh, I'm sorry. [Laughs]

Mm.

I think I'm done.

Right.

Shalom.

What the hell just happened?

Don't worry about it.

So, uh, how you liking the job so far?

It's good, man. I mean, you know, it's good.

I-I was getting a little hung up on the, um, possum story you pitched today.

Yeah, I mean, it's, you know, it's my story.

Yeah, I know. You told me about it.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, it's... You're doing me.

The whole thing's a rip-off, you know... the podcast from the garage, the assistant, the dead possum.

You're... You're... You're taking my life.

Well, you're not using it, so...

But how does it feel to have stolen the entire premise of your show from my life?

It's fine.

What's wrong with you?

I'm good.

Oh.

It's 6:00 a.m.

Yeah. We're going to work.

It's Saturday.

Is this a joke?

No. Let's go. All the writers are on their way.

All right, guys.

Let's make up for yesterday.

All right, let's get two stories done.

All right?

Who's got something?

Where's Larry?

Larry's gone, Rich.

[Sighs]

Well, this is going nowhere.

I can't think here. I gotta clear my mind.

Whoa! I need a caddie.

Now what?

Now we wait.

Yeah, man. Always bring a book.

Oh, Marc Maron.

Oh.

Hey!

Hey!

Here you go, buddy... first paycheck.

Oh.

Wow. A couple more of these could really turn my life around, man.

Who knows? You do well on this project, could be another sh*t at a Marc Maron vehicle.

[Chuckles]

Is Dave okay?

Dave? Yeah.

I just ask 'cause there's been some concern.

Concern?

Yeah, uh, uh, some of the office staff seems to be crying more than they should.

Oh, I-I don't know anything about that.

I mean, I just started.

I... He's probably under a bit of stress.

Oh, okay, okay. That's what I thought.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm gonna take this.

Take what? What?

Marc: Work is weird, man.

I mean, it's just like... Dave is, um...

[Sighs] I don't know how to say it.

He's an assh*le, Gerry. He's an assh*le.

Man, you've got to change your focus.

You have things you didn't have a week ago... a nice place to live, a job in show business.

You were inches away from homeless, remember?

Yeah, yeah. That's true.

And, yeah, I don't like being outside that much.

Don't screw it up just 'cause you're jealous.

I mean, this could be your ticket back in.

Yeah, that's true.

And with the money I'm making, I get my own apartment.

I'm three days off sugar.

Seriously, don't choke.

Where's Zach?

Seriously?

Guys, I'm really disappointed.

I thought we were a team.

But it turns out one of you is a snitch.

What's going on?

Well, one of you opened your fat mouth to Gregg Schup and told him I was stressed out.

Show of hands... Who thinks I'm stressed out?

But you guys look more stressed out than me, but I'm the one they want to see a therapist.

Isn't that right, Rich?

It wasn't me.

No, it wasn't me.

No, I'm happy here. I love this show.

I have a family, and you are a great boss.

And I have never been happier anywhere else.

I saw Marc talking to Gregg!

Me?!

Yeah. I'm sorry, man, but I saw you. I'm sorry.

That's bullshit! That's bullshit, Rich!

You're just trying to save your own ass, man, because... because... because you did it!

That is a lie!

Get out.

I hope you can sleep at night.

[Soft music plays]

Nina: How was work today, fellas?

Not great.

Mm.

I did something that was not good today.

You and me both. I fired an innocent man today.

Wait.

You knew it was me and not Rich?

Yeah... 'cause you're a shitty liar... and Gregg threw you under the bus.

Why'd you let me do that to Rich?

I don't know.

I got problems.

You're fine. You're too hard on yourself.

Rich is a good guy. He didn't deserve that.

Forget about it, Marc.

It's showbiz-town.

What's the matter with you?

"Chinatown's" a good movie.

What the hell was that?

Okay.

We offer full amenities, pool, hot tub, fitness room, covered parking, and we have a lot of people in the biz.

[Chuckles] I'm an actor myself.

Huh. Surprised you would mention that.

You know, most actors don't.

Huh. According to your application, it says you are a writer for the new Dave Anthony project for Showlist, huh?

Yeah. Hasn't aired yet.

Keep me in mind.

One small thing... by law, I have to inform you that the previous tenant who vacated... self-vacated.

You mean he k*lled himself?

Yes, he k*lled himself.

Ohh.

He was a good guy... okay actor.

Sad, though.

How'd he do it?

Ohh.

[Sighs]

[Sniffling]

Why?

[Imitates g*n cocking]

Ohh! [Imitates g*nsh*t]

Ohh!

[Groans]

[Exhales]

Huh?

Yeah. Good.

Where's Frank and what's her name?

I cleaned house.

What's up, Marc?

Hey, Phil.

[Sighs]

[Scoffs]

This business is bullshit.

It's disgusting.

It's dehumanizing, soul-crushing.

[Sighs] I'm out.

What?

This business turns normal people into monsters and monsters into monster monsters.

I'm just... I'm done, man.

And I want to thank you for making me realize that.

All right. Wait. Wait.

Do you think I like this?

Do you think I like being me?

I'm sabotaging everything that's happening.

Look, I know I'm awful.

I feel awful right now, and it's getting worse every day.

Show business lets me do anything.

No one stops me. I can't stop me!

This is the worst thing that could happen to me... being successful in show business.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, Nina. Ohh. That's my girl.

You okay, man?

Don't judge me.

Okay.

Uh...

Can I still stay at your house?

Yeah, we're still friends. That's not a thing.

All right. I'll see you later.

Okay.

Take it easy, Phil.

Later, baby.

[Sighs]

Do you like miniature golf?

The miniature-er, the better.

Wow. These gloves feel nice.

I've never felt so equipped to do something in my entire life.

You could actually wear these in the snow.

All right. Let's go. Let's do this.

Let's get under there.

Let's get this rotting possum corpse.

All right... I'm going.

Hey! I thought you quit.

I did.

I just came by to check it out and get some free food.

Oh.

Well, I got to take this.

Yeah, you do.

[The Good Life's "Everybody" plays]