Did Michael Gove not get the "don't mention the n*zi" e-mail?
Ah, he didn't actually mention the n*zi.
Oh, no, sorry, he just talked about "scientists in Germany who were paid by the government in the 1930s."
I wonder who they could have been working for? OK...
We should have locked Michael Gove in a cupboard.
He's an off-putting little prick.
Look, we all know that, there's no need to keep saying it out loud - especially to Michael Gove.
The man was asking for it, he corrected my grammar.
Michael is a very capable man. Yeah?
Has he ever emptied a septic t*nk at three in the morning?
Oh, that's your answer to everything, isn't it?
No, it's not, but... If in doubt...
OK, listen, listen!
Tonight's Q&A is an 1,000-plus seater, and obviously, in light of everything that's happened, we don't want any personal att*cks.
Both sides need to behave like grown-ups. Hear, hear.
Right... Although they did start it.
That is exactly the sort of thing that's...
There definitely has been an unfortunate tone. I blame Farage.
I thought you liked him. Can't stand the man, he's a liability.
And what don't you like about him?
One - he was a banker.
Two - he bobs his head constantly for emphasis, which is annoying.
Three - all his suits are stripy.
Four - he's always posing with a pint of bitter but my mate Des saw him drinking Dubonnet.
Five... Yes, we're ready.
Please put President Obama through now.
Well, I will put President Putin on the line as soon as President Obama is on the line.
Well, my president doesn't like to speak to assistants either.
Very well, why don't we put both presidents on at exactly the same time?
That way neither of them has to speak to an assistant.
Agreed? OK, after three.
One, two, three...
Good day, President Obama.
President Putin will speak to you in just one second.
Here's your lemon tea. Thank you.
God, this referendum's so much harder than the election cos if you can't make up your mind, you can't just vote liberal.
You OK, Oliver? No.
Watched the debate last night with some old journo mates.
We had to down a whisky every time someone said "take back control" and a brandy for "as a mother".
I was rat-arsed by the time those three Scottish women came on.
There was only one Scottish woman.
There you go.
You know, whenever I see Michael Gove, he always reminds me of this kid we used to b*at up at school.
Why did you b*at him up?
He was like Michael Gove.
Actually, and this isn't a big thing, but jokey references to bullying, even just verbal bullying, are of themselves a kind of bullying.
But this is about Michael Gove and he's a nutter.
OK, peacekeepers, we need to be doubly vigilant, given the new respectful atmosphere.
OK, there have been a few blips - we deleted the "steam off my piss" tweet very rapidly - but now we've reached the most dangerous point - the last half-hour of the office party where inhibition is low.
What we have to ensure is that no-one does something they'll regret in the morning.
Like breaking into a zoo.
Yeah, like...like that sort of thing.
Can I just say, and this isn't a big thing, but it might be worth reminding people to avoid trigger words that can make people feel uncomfortable and might problemise the healing process.
Sorry, I can tell by the way you're looking at me, I've used a trigger word, haven't I?
Yes, you have, Oliver.
Was it Michael Gove?
No, Oliver, it wasn't.
Nutter. It was nutter, wasn't it? Sorry.
Nutter! Don't keep saying... neh-uh-tih-tih-rrrr.
This guy in Vegas who tried to assassinate him, I say we have to ban all British people from entering the USA until we figure out what the hell is going on.
We are going to Britain in two days' time, Brett, to Scotland.
No, no, we're going to Turnberry, Mr Trump's golf course.
That makes it American soil.
So, has Mr Trump said anything about me, uh...?
OK, he passed you without saying, "Go, fella," right?
Yeah, yeah, but, you know, he's probably busy planning his presidency.
You know, how he's going to keep all his promises, like, you know, how he's going to be real unpredictable.
Can you plan to be unpredictable?
I don't know, I'm just trying to...
Or would that make you predictable if everybody knew you were going to be unpredictable?
It makes your brain hurt, doesn't it?
That's why he's the candidate, not me. Right.
19 - he's got a face that looks like a character out The Simpsons.
20 - he's a banker.
21 - he pronounces his surname in a poncey French way.
What's wrong with FARage?
Have you finished? It needed saying.
OK, so, tonight's event, we need dignity and decorum.
Oh, and Preeya, if somebody asks you a question that you feel is a little bit predictable, could you not roll your eyes?
Yeah, like that.
Should we refer to last night's debate? Oh, that was terrible.
Why did we field the same team?
You know, Boris the show pony, the German one, the other one.
The dream team would have been Sir Ian "Beefy" Botham, Sir James Dyson, cos he makes Hoovers, and, of course, Jeremy Clarkson.
Says who? Says Jeremy Clarkson.
Gerry, he punched a BBC producer for not bringing him red meat.
And I will put that milk back cos I know you don't like that.
Getting back to... I've a list of, erm, political loose cannons.
Where is it? Erm...
We didn't know it was a zoo.
We thought that it was a club called The Zoo and, you know, we were drunk and it was night and the bears were black, so it took a while for us to see them.
Oh, and you feel so silly, don't you, yelling "help" from the top of a fence?
Where is that list?
Oh, is this it?
I've been drawing cats on it.
I'd love to meet Obama.
Well, come November, he's gone.
You Know Who might be president.
Why do you think so many Americans are voting for Trump? I don't know.
I think it might be for a bet.
Population... three million.
You see, this is what happens when they insist on drug-free sport.
Hello, yes, I'm trying for Mr Slutsky.
The Russian football manager.
Still no answer from his room.
Oh, you think he may have locked himself in.
OK, well, please tell him that the President would like to see him immediately for a postmortem.
No, a postmortem of the game.
Yes. Push a note under his door.
Thank you, bye.
Oh, here we go, the latest chapter in Project Bullshit.
These 1,300 business leaders saying that we'd lose jobs -
Brexit will create tons of jobs!
As what? Well... border guards... immigration officers... searchlight operators, etc.
How's your dad doing?
He passed away on Saturday.
Oh, I'm sorry, Gerry.
Yeah, just part of life, I suppose.
Trouble is, my brother and sister are arguing about the funeral arrangements, so...
We had the same thing with my grandpa.
No will, so my dad wanted him buried, my auntie wanted him cremated.
Who got their way? My auntie.
But she had to burn down the undertaker's.
Rumour is that whatever the result, Osborne's going to be sacrificed.
If only that wasn't a metaphor.
We could build a huge wicker man and put George inside it.
OK, so, listen up, please.
I have no idea who the opposition are putting up against us tonight.
Whoever it is, we need to look serious and respectful.
So let's imagine that I'm Alan Johnson and I've just accused our side of scaremongering.
So, Preeya is going to illustrate the correct response.
Well, I'm a huge admirer of Alan's but I can't agree with him on this point.
It is clear to the British public which side has been relying on Project Fear.
Perfect. I know.
Erm, Spencer, let's imagine that I am Peter Mandelson and I have just said that Britain is safer in the EU.
So you need to come up with a strong, respectful response.
A respectful response to Peter Mandelson? Yeah.
Are you taking the piss?
Tonight, I really need you to curb your instincts.
We need respectful.
So, you are responding to Mandelson.
[Spencer clears his throat]
I am, um, a huge admirer of Peter's and...
No, I can't do this. My gag reflex is kicking in.
This is pathetic.
Remain are being completely out-lied here.
Why can't Cameron claim that he heard some bloke saying that he heard the Queen saying that if Leave wins, she's going to move back to Germany?
You see, Leave get it - if you're going to lie, lie big, and late.
We need to think like proper propagandists.
What we should be doing is asking ourselves, "What would Goebbels be doing, or Alastair Campbell?"
I thought we weren't allowed to mention the n*zi.
All the people Remain keep trotting out.
Bankers, the IMF, Mandelson, Blair, Miliband.
What a bunch of... trigger words.
It's like a list of all the people the British public most hate.
And today, 1,200 businessmen.
We might as well have 1,200 paedophiles.
You done, Oliver?
..what's his message?
Don't look at me. As far as I'm concerned, this referendum's just a lot of old men shouting.
If we leave the EU, every kitten in Britain will explode.
The PM has a duty to explain the risks of Brexit to the people.
It's the smart strategy.
Smart, is it?
Ruby, did you realise our leaving Europe could destroy the economy and lead to World w*r III?
Then why are we having a referendum?
This is a strategy that is so stupid that even Ruby, the woman who was scammed three times by the same Nigerian prince, can see through it.
He says the money's in the post.
Why did Cameron let the people decide?
You know what we're going to get tomorrow? Leavey McLeaveface.
So, the NRA is distancing themselves from Mr Trump for being irresponsible.
Not a sentence you hear every day.
So if anyone asks, Mr Trump didn't say the gays' nightclub should be armed. No, he did.
No, he didn't. No, he said...
Say no more, Brett. But... No.
Do I sense we're rowing back from our post-Orlando push for LGBT voters?
Let's just say that Mr Trump was alienating some of his more core voters.
So what's the position now?
Mr Trump is passionately opposed to the medieval Islamic hatred against the LGBT community, but not quite so opposed to Americans who hate h*m*.
Mr Trump needs to reach out beyond his core voters.
It's like the speech he just made attacking Hillary - it felt like he was bad-mouthing women generally.
Look at the figures, it's catastrophic.
But is it catastrophic, Lauren?
I mean, it's not just women Donald's bad-mouthed, it's Muslims, Jews...
African Americans. Mexicans.
Well, all Latinos. Iranians.
Chinese, the Japanese, the Scots...
Well, most races.
And yet, here he is - the Republican candidate.
Till when in November?
OK, so he's lost the minorities, cos with Latinos, say, once you call them rapists, it's a long way back.
But if he can just win over more female As and Bs...
Uh, I know a Latino guy who voted for Mr Trump. Really?
Though, funnily enough, he was a r*pist. Right.
We are 73% negative with female...
And whose highly-lucrative job was that to turn it around?
How can I do it if my strategies are ignored?
I have put your numbers in front of the Donald.
So he is aware that 73% of women...
Donald has certain preconceptions about statistics so we have to recalibrate them to match his expectations.
What did you tell him?
Donald also has unusually high expectations of women liking him.
So what figure did you use?
The percentage, 73, was used.
He thinks 73% of women like him?
He was shocked it was so low.
Yeah. Right, but the thing is, sis, your ideas sound sort of grand and expensive.
Well, for a start, I don't know where we'd find a Welsh male voice choir at this sort of notice.
Hmm...no, I think there probably isn't a helpline.
Dad didn't really like choirs... or the Welsh.
Yeah, she's just anxious.
Everyone grieves differently.
She's just upset - it makes decisions hard. Yeah.
(I can't make up my mind when will be the right time to tell Spencer his fiancee is cheating on him.)
(Never! Never. Never will be the right time.)
(He's living a lie - people shouldn't do that!)
(They all do. It's fine. People like it!)
Now that Corey's gone.
Don't mention Corey.
We can't mention our old campaign manager?
What campaign manager?
Corey Lewandowski does not exist.
Oh, OK. Right, well...
Now that Manafort's in charge, can we expect a less aggressive campaign? What?
From the guy who's worked with some of the world's leading dictators?
Marcos, Yanukovych, that Zaire guy who cut off the b*lls of his enemies.
Yeah, Manafort's gonna be a real pussycat(!)
He's still gonna let Trump be Trump, right?
Well, he might let Trump be a little less Trump-y in his Trump-yness, but still Trump-y.
The key thing is that the Conservative Party is a family.
No... No, I'm not anticipating a blood bath after tomorrow.
Well, I think the comparison with Game Of Thrones is a little fanciful.
Who did you get that from?
It's going to make Game Of Thrones look like Peppa Pig.
No, no, the key message, I think, is-is that we've kept the debate civilised. He's a w*nk*r.
And the healing process can begin.
Yeah, l...lovely talking to you.
Love to Louise.
I'd rather you just referred to me as a well-placed insider.
What are you doing?
What did I say to you first thing this morning?
Er...pass the Hobnobs?
No, after that, about the need for no last-minute flare-ups.
Oh, yeah, yeah. You said the last thing anyone wants is, for example, there to be some mischievous muck-raking against Boris.
Exactly, the last thing anyone wants.
Yeah, the last thing anyone wants.
Yes, the last thing.
Wait. Are you saying...?
When you said, "The last thing anyone wants is someone briefing against Boris", what you meant was that that is the last thing anyone wants? Of course.
I'm sorry, Tony.
If you're going to start saying what you actually mean, no-one's going to understand you.
Nice Photoshopping, Brett.
No-one would know that Corey was part of that team photo.
Er...who? Oh, wait.
I think you left his shadow.
Mr Trump's speech is playing very badly.
Now, Lauren, I totally accept your point about reaching out to women, so this is the strategy we've come up with to address the fact that Hillary is more popular with female voters. Hmm.
'Hillary Clinton, she lost to Obama. She lost to !sis. She lost to Monika.'
'Indeed I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky. Do you want a loser as president? How can she satisfy America if she couldn't satisfy her husband?'
'Hilary Clinton - bad wife. Bad at sex. Bad choice.'
Well, that is a fair observation.
Are you kidding me? Women are going to hate this. It's bitchy.
Women are bitchy. Tell me about it.
My wife still sends me the snarky e-mails, even now she's back in Thailand.
Like they're famous for genital hygiene.
The Russian athletes were very much looking forward to Rio - they had had all the injections - but of course we respect the IOC ban.
Yes, we replied to your e-mail, but I understand that your server has crashed.
It has now.
All your files?
That's a shame.
It's so important to backup.
I'll leave you to it. OK, bye.
You were in with the President a long time.
Was I? Yes.
It all sounded very jolly. Jolly?
Yes, Jolly. Oh, right, yes. Jolly.
The President was very jolly. Ha!
Is he often like that? No.
What were you talking about?
He asked me lots of questions.
Where did I grow up?
Which school did I go to?
Do I like saunas?
You know the privatised hockey match that the President plays in every Friday?
How high is the standard?
How would I know?
He's never invited you to play?
I... I just assumed.
He's invited you?
By the way, I need you to read and translate the books Donald Trump has written on business -
I believe there are 18.
Oh, and we need to send 240 clean urine samples to the IOC.
You want me to collect them?
I want you to provide them... today.
Donald loves this ad.
Yeah, I think we got his vote already.
Are you seriously going to put this out?
Brett, can you give us a moment?
Brett, Mr Trump is in there.
Bee, I was kind of wondering, has Mr Trump said anything about me?
I don't believe he had, Brett.
He's got this thing, this presidential election, and it's taking up a lot of his time.
He passed him without saying, "Go, fella."
I'll talk to Donald about that.
Will you? No, of course not.
Now, Lauren, listen.
I made my money in cosmetic procedures and let me tell you something.
You can inject 'em and fill 'em and cut 'em up and stitch 'em back together and put their butt fat in their faces, but the people who knew them before all that still see the same person they always saw.
If you're saying we can't change Donald's image, if we can't broaden his appeal, we're going to lose.
You're thinking Reagan strategy, aren't you?
Get everyone to love him.
Well, not everyone.
I'm thinking Nixon strategy.
Ed Muskie was the one guy who could b*at him and what did Nixon do?
Told a bunch of lies about him.
Made Muskie cry, in public, on camera.
We make Hillary cry.
Oh, that's awful.
Look at all these desperate people queuing to get in.
Not another Farage poster.
No. My sister's at Glastonbury.
Anyway, focus, Ruby.
Back to the referendum.
Cats for Brexit - oh!
I think Brexit have got the edge on the names thing.
Really? Why do you say that?
Well, cos it's easy to remember.
Brexit - it's catchy.
While the other lot, the... Oh.
Yeah. See? It just doesn't stick.
They should have gone with Bremain... or Britstick, or Woahthere.
I've got an awful feeling she might be right.
The British public are going to vote for lucky dip.
They're going to let Boris and Ian Duncan toff take back control and what do they mean by that?
They mean THEM back in control because, before the EU, posh boys like them f*cking ran England.
It was never, "Let's get back to rickets and ringworm and q*eer-bashing, they want the golden age, when they could lynch a poacher and g*ngb*ng a parlour made, all before nanny brought them breakfast."
Our night together...
Which didn't happen.
Very grown-up call from you there, Sarah.
It's all right. Well done.
I just wanted to mention that I didn't know you were married.
Yeah, well, it's not up to you to know stuff like that.
Don't b*at yourself up about it.
It's just you didn't mention it either.
Well, I didn't want it to be all about me.
But as it didn't happen, we can just move forward, can't we?
Yes, of course. Yes.
I said, "Shush!"
Jerry, listen, I heard about your loss.
I'm really sorry. Thank you.
He was 86, you know, Dad had good innings.
It's still a shock, though, isn't it?
You never forget them.
I can still picture my old dad, doing the gardening, fishing for trout, gassing badgers.
We are very pro-immigrant and certainly we wouldn't want to get rid of all the immigrants because, well, you know, I had an English cleaner once and she was awful.
Yeah, fat and slow.
Now, apparently, at the end of tonight's event, the moderator will give you all 30 seconds for final remarks, OK?
So, Priya, you're going to go first.
What are you going to say?
Erm...something original, but with a personal perspective.
Great. Which is?
Boris is texting it to me.
OK, Spencer, you've only got 30 seconds. I know.
You haven't got time for the anecdote about the steam roller and the gypsies. Don't you worry.
This is what I'm going to say.
This is not about the numbers, this is about who you are.
When you wake up the morning and look in the mirror, who do you see?
Do you see someone who loves England, its rolling hills, the soft breeze on its meadows?
Do you see a son of Shakespeare, Nelson and Churchill?
Or do you see someone from a nation that has surrendered its birthright in order to become Angela Merkel's f*cking sex toy?
I can take out the swearing.
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01x03 - Episode Three
Episode transcripts for the TV miniseries "Power Monkeys". Aired: June 8, 2016 to July 2016.
"Power Monkeys" is a topical comedy set within the E.U. Referendum campaign following both camps along with political aides who serve Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin.
1 post • Page 1 of 1
1 post • Page 1 of 1