01x06 - I Got This

Episode transcripts for the 2016 TV show "Uncle Buck". Aired June 14 - July 5, 2016.*
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"Uncle Buck" - based on the 1989 movie of the same name - follows a fun-loving but irresponsible guy who needs a job and a place to stay. His nieces and nephew’s Nanny has just quit and his brother and sister-in-law need his help.
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01x06 - I Got This

Post by bunniefuu »

Come on, man. Let me touch the ball.

Uh, only I touch this ball, Cy.

Ooh, a ball!

Do-Right, play with your own ball, all right?

This one's magic.

And this ball's the only reason why the Bulls got six championship rings.


What about Michael Jordan?

Whatever. Listen.

During the Bulls' dynasty, when they were down by four, I would just touch this ball and say, "Bulls!" and they'd have a surge.

You know, the Bulls play them punk-ass Cavs this Friday, and we need this win.

Are we still good for watching it at my house?

Yeah, that's a tradition. I'm there.

Oh, FYI, my mom's ferrets got out... again.

So, um, you got to tuck your pants into your socks.

Straight vodka at noon? I like it.

Uh, let me get one, too... with a straw.

This is water.

I got to pick the kids up after school.

Look what them kids done did to you.


You can't even lunch-drink anymore.

I stopped breakfast-drinking, too.

I take this job seriously, man.

[Both laugh]

No more Kahlúa and Kellogg's? Come on, Buck.

Every time you start a job and it gets a little tough, you cut and run.

You famous for that, Buck.

That was an outrageous statement.

When have I ever done that?

Does this bus stop at Grant Park?

I quit!

That's it! I'm sick of it!

You only drove the bus for two days.

Aw, look, this job is different.

I love taking care of them kids, and I do it damn well, so y'all can just stay out of my business, all right?

I got this.

Oh, God!

Is this what water tastes like?

Doo, Doo-doo-doo.

Dang, you looking out the window and not on your phone.

It must be bad.

But Uncle Buck is here to fix it.

I wanted to go to this avant-garde opera with my friends downtown at an abandoned warehouse.

Well, you know, the only word I heard in that sentence was "friends."

Doesn't matter, because Mom and Dad said it wasn't safe.

You know, if I tell my friends my parents said no, they'll think I'm lame.

Easy. Just front.


Yeah, front.

Photoshop yourself doing something better.

And with them little weird friends you got, that shouldn't be hard.



I can say I went to a Lulu James concert.

And then you can hashtag everything.








Hey, hey, hey.

Look, I don't want to be all up in your business, but I do laundry once a week, and there was only one pair of drawers in there.

You got to do better than that.

Uncle Buck, do you know anything about girls?

I know they like clean drawers.

There's this girl that I really like, but she won't even look my way.

Aw. [Chuckles]

You came to the right place.

Man, you know how many ladies that I...

No, point is, I'm great with women.

Let me be your wingman on this.

Oh, teach me, sensei.

Well, what you got to do is you got to make her need you.

Is there a class that she's not really great at?

She asked me for help on a math problem once, but I suck at math.


You a math genius.

Look here. Just tell her that 53 times 72 is 525.

Is it?

I don't know. And neither will she.



Thanks, Uncle Buck.

Aw, my man.

Anytime, Einstein.

You home early.

How was your anniversary dinner?

Oh, my God.


[Door opens]

I completely forgot.

Aw, aw!

[Sighs] Baby, I'm so sorry.

Well, you should be.

What are you sorry for?

Our anniversary dinner.

Oh, my gosh. I completely forgot.

Buck: Forgetting about your significant other... that's classic Buck.

Good night.

Honey, I knew both of us working would be hard, but this is crazy.

You've become, like, some sexy stranger, which is kind of hot, except I'm too exhausted to act on it.

Remember how awesome we were in Atlanta, going out all the time?

We were hot on those streets.

Like Michelle and Barack.

With a little bit of danger, like Beyoncé and Jay Z.

We were like a luxury car commercial.

[Woman singing in French]

Sexy and sophisticated.

Oh, yeah.

You think we'll ever get that new-car smell back?


Y'all need to get y'all act together.

'Cause if y'all split up, who gonna get custody of me and the kids?

Don't make us choose.

That's all I'm saying.


[Door opens]


Will: Hey, baby.

Ah, middle-of-the-day call. I like it.

You're gonna like this even more.

We're pulling an emergency anniversary reboot.

I cleared my schedule and made a reservation at that dinner-and-dancing place.

This is non-negotiable.

I'll get Buck to babysit.

Well, look at you, all in charge.

I like that, too.

Oh, really?

What you wearing, girl?

A sweatshirt with a ketchup stain.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

I probably should've said you were on speaker phone.

That's Kiana, one of the girls I'm mentoring.

Anyway, I'll see you soon. I'm very excited.

Baby, you got me all worked...



You know, your husband sounds old but hot.

Uh. He'll appreciate half of that.

Man: Need a plan to get them out of there...

Can you help me with my spelling words?

I want to be smart, not just cute.

Oh, sure, baby girl.

All right.

The first word is "college."

I think the word's "collage."

All right, you can say it as fancy as you want to say it, but you're not getting into collage unless you can spell it.

Now, I done told you about...

[Cellphone rings]

Hold up.

[Cellphone clicks]

What's up, Will?

Oh, no, no, no. It's cool. Yeah.

I know you're trying to get right with your lady.

Look, me and Cy, we can watch the game over here.

All right, cool. My man.

[Cellphone beeps]

Hey, wh... Where'd she go?

[Doorbell rings]


You brought a cheese plate.

This ain't no art gallery. This is a basketball game.

Look, man, I'm still not sure about watching the game over here.

I think all these kids' energies is gonna jinx us, and the Bulls need our focus.

Look, Maizy's asleep, Miles is studying with a friend, and Tia don't like sports or fun.

She's in the bedroom. It's all good.

All right.

Man, I got it.

Look, I just thought we could start...

Hey, old man.

Hey, little gutter punk.

Are you lost?

I just seen the rest of your crew up under the overpass.

I don't appreciate you putting your little...

Hey, Jo.

This is my Uncle Buck.

Nice to meet you... Uncle Buck.

Did she just say my name weird?

That's the girl I was telling you about.

I think she's the one.

Yeah, the one that's gonna m*rder us.

[Indistinct conversations]

Should I clear this setting?

No, we're celebrating our anniversary tonight.

She'll be here any minute.

[Door opens]

Uh, is that her?


Absolutely not.


I'm so sorry I'm late. Mwah!

Baby, what are you wearing?

You're gonna give people seizures.

I know I look like a sundae Maizy built.

Yeah, with mostly sprinkles.

I was running late, and I stopped at the dry cleaner, and this was all that I had.

I thought the patterns matched.

You did?

Yeah. No?


Okay, hold on one second.

Uh, I'll be right back.


What do you think?

I love it.

You'd better, because it just cost us $300.




Money well spent.


Sit on down.

Come on! Defense!


Uh-oh. It looks like you got your hands full.

I think I better get out of here and go watch the game at home with the ferrets.

No, come on. Nah, it's tradition.

If you leave, the Bulls lose.

Well, your nephew 'bout to lose something if you leave him alone with "Orange is the New Black."

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about that baby going in that room a boy and coming out a father.

Oh, God.

In the dining room? Really? Uncle Buck, you're k*lling me.

Hey, I-I'm just close by in case you need some advice.

[Sighs] Um, is that a Bible?

It sure is. And I'm glad you recognized it.

This is just a reminder to let you know that we're all being watched.

Whatever... Uncle Buck.

Stop saying my name like it's a horror movie.

You starting to scare me, little girl.


[Woman singing in French]

Alexis, your shrimp is in my nose.

Oh, baby, I'm...

Get off your phone.

I'm so sorry.

Kiana keeps texting me. She's having a really hard time.

She just sent me three crying emojis and a poop.

Well, we're having a hard time, too.

Well, what is that supposed to mean?

It means we're really busy, and we need to take advantage of our time together.

I don't want to end up like the Rineholds.

How are we gonna end up like the Rineholds?

They got a divorce after she stabbed him in the leg at a Souplantation.

I'm just saying, that could be us if we don't set our priorities.

Okay. You're right.

Now, let's get back to some sexy seafood.


[Woman singing in French]

Not that one. That was up my nose.

Oh, right. I'm so sorry.


Okay, we're down by four.

Buck, touch the ball.


[Tia screams]

Did you hear that?

Yeah, I heard some girl screaming or something.

Come on, "D" Rose. Get down!

I should check that, right?

Oh, that's a travel!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.


Are you cool?

No. Amber's pictures are all over Instagram.

My friends went to go see Philip Glass do a live score of "Metropolis" without me.

Y'all ever think about just getting a cookie at the mall?

They're mad because they thought I was throwing that Lulu James post in their face.

Well, you know my policy... always tell the truth.

You told me to front.

Yeah, and I was frontin'.


[Clatter, Maizy screams]

She done woke the little one.

Buck! Come touch the ball!

We're down by 11!

You got to touch it three times!



[Toy squeaks]


Die, zombie! Die, zombie! Die!

[Grunting] What are you hitting me for?

You're not the police.

I thought you were a zombie.

What made you think that?

What's up, Will?

Oh, no, no, no. It's cool. Yeah.

I know you're trying to get right with your lady.

[Zombies groaning]

Look, me and Cy, we can watch the game over here.


All right, cool. My man.

[Cellphone clicks]

Hey, wh... Where'd she go?

Look, Maizy, zombies ain't real.

When you die, you just die.

Am I going to die?
Cy: Buck, come on! Touch the ball! Please!

Hold that thought, Maizy.

Bulls, Bulls, Bulls!

[Spectators cheer]

[Both scream, laugh]

Whew! [Panting]

Look, Maizy, here's the deal on death.

You don't have to worry about it, 'cause it's like falling asleep forever.

Sweet dreams.

[Door closes]

I'm never going to sleep again.

You son of a...

You piece of...

Ah, hey!

There's a lot of words I could say right now, Buck.

Go ahead and say them.

I'll spell them. We can do flash cards.

♪ You been on this road too long ♪


You know, this is a great soundtrack for a sad dog commercial, but it's a terrible one for basketball, Buck.

Man, just ignore it.

You're losing control, Buck. The wheels are coming off.

No, man, the wheels are on, the rims are on, I got a full t*nk of gas, and I got this.

I'll be right back.

Okay, I'll touch the ball while you're gone.

Ah, ah, ah!

You lay a hand on that ball, and you gonna pull back a bloody stub.

Don't touch that ball, brother.

Okay, this is more like it.

There's so much more where that came from, honey.


Oh, yeah.


I'll be right back.


Excuse me. Bring me your fanciest dessert.


Sir, this deconstructed baked Alaska takes three people to prepare, so if we're not doing this, I'll need to release Javier.

[Sighs] Go home, Javier.


Alexis, what are you doing?

Who is this?


It's me... Kiana.

You remember, I met you earlier when you were phone-sexing your wife.

Alexis, can I talk to you?


Wait. Uh...

Honey, I'm really, really sorry, but you don't understand.

She was threatening to drop out of school and run away with her boyfriend.

The girl is one gospel song away from a Tyler Perry movie.

And you thought bringing her to our anniversary dinner would help the problem?

I know it's not ideal, but she just needed a little face time.

And don't worry.

I've... I've got this all under control.

I'm sending her home in an Uber.

Kiana! I can't live without you!

Damn, Ty! Why you got to be so needy?!

Okay, uh, maybe she needs just a little more face time.

Be right back.

The hell with it. Light it up.

Catch Javier. [Sighs]


[Music blaring]

You're really bumming out Cy! Can you turn it down?!

Let me feel my feelings!


♪ Hold on ♪

[Door slams]

♪ With stars in your eyes ♪
♪ And let's paint the sky ♪

[Music stops]

[Cellphone chimes]


Cy: Buck! Ball!

You're gonna look so hot with an earring.

Hey. Wow. A home piercing.

[Chuckles] Good idea. I love it.

Yeah, she said it's gonna make me look cool, like a young Pharrell.


Did you sterilize the needle?

You don't need to do that. I've done a bunch of them.


Well, you know, Fat Marcus did a home piercing, and it got infected.


Ear looked like a monkey paw.

But do whatever you want to do.

I should think about this.

[Scoffs] Boring. I'm out.

Hold on.

I know how to keep this party going.

Ooh, God! [Sighs]

Get to watch the game.

Where'd you get coffee at, Maizy?

I gave it to her.


It's a latte.

The girl wanted to stay awake.

Look, we got 20 seconds left. We're down by 4.

You need to touch the ball.


Did you do this?


That is hilarious.

But cruel.

I was trying to fix things.

The ball, Buck! Touch the ball!

You ruined my life.

Where's Miles and Oozy Ears?

Why? You want to humiliate him in front of his friends, too?

We got nine seconds left, Buck! Touch the ball!

[Door closes]

Oh, hell no!

What the...


[Can clatters]

What are you doing?

Sorry, buddy. This girl's trouble.

She's got to go.

You're embarrassing me.

Cy: If you care anything about the Bulls at all, come touch the damn ball!

I'm never coming over here again.

Good, Jo.

I hate you, Uncle Buck.


[Screaming] Zombies!

[Maizy screams indistinctly]

Your house is lame. Your uncle's lame.

Uh, he's off his medication. Jo, give me another chance.

Zombies everywhere! They're gonna get us!

Maizy. Maizy. Maizy, please stop.

Maizy! Stop it!

Oh, God. Stop. Please.


I hope you're happy, Buck!


We lost!

Why didn't you just touch the ball?!

Oh, you want me to touch the ball?

You want me to touch the ball?

[Air hisses]


I touched it.

Calm down.

What the hell's wrong with you?

It's just a game.

[Cellphone rings, beeps]

Buck: Hey, big Will.

What's going on?

Could be better. How about you?

Yeah, it got a little tricky here tonight.

Everything's fine.

The kids are okay, but I quit.

And I thought maybe it'd be great if you'd just f*re me so I can draw unemployment.

Slow down. What's going on?

I love the kids, man, and I love the job, but it's way harder than I thought it would be.

It's some next-level parenting stuff right here.

I-It's out of my league.

Stop it. You're not bailing.

You don't quit just because it's hard.

Yeah, I do, 'cause I'm famous for that.

Buck, remember when we were kids and you pushed me down the stairs?

Come on, man. Why you want to bring that up?

You didn't panic that day.

You duct-taped my head, threw me in a bike basket, and rolled me to the hospital, E.T.-style.

Things got crazy, and you adjusted.

That's what you need to do now... adjust to your new reality.


Thank you, brother.

Hey, what made you think of that story?

I feel like I got kicked down the stairs tonight.

I tried to get our old, sexy selves back, but we can't seem to get there.


Sounds like you two need to do a little adjusting on your own, man.

Yeah. Maybe we do.


And, oh, by the way...

you have never been sexy to me.


You got a big-ass head, Will.

[Cellphone beeps]


If you're really in love, it's still gonna be there in two years, when you graduate from high school.

I want to tell you something.

Uh, baby, just give me two minutes.

Two minutes. I'm almost done with them.


Sorry. [Chuckles]

I know what you're gonna say.

No, you don't.

What I want to say is, I know we've been trying to recapture how we were in Atlanta, but this is our new reality, and I'm okay with it.

So, how can I help?

Well, a male's perspective would be nice.


And that boy needs some instruction on how to wear cologne.


You got it.

You don't smell it?

I do now.


Be good.

All right. [Chuckles]


Well, this will certainly be an anniversary we'll never forget.


Sexier and more sophisticated than ever.

Oh, yeah.

What's Amber doing here?

What's going on? He told me Lulu James was here.

I lied. Work it out.

Here's the deal on death.

When you die, you go to a happy place.

I can prove it.

They made a documentary about Heaven. Look.

So, there's a fox in Heaven with an Afro?


[Both laugh]

My parents had a fit when they found out I went to the opera.

They're so lame.

Mine, too.



Where'd you come from?

I need to put a little bell on your neck.

Hey, Mr. Fix It, when are you gonna solve my problem?

I did. I sent it home.

What happened?

Man, I thought you were cool.

Look, man, I know you mad at me, but it's my job to protect you, not be your friend.

Well, you succeeded.

You're not my friend, and you're not my wingman, either.

You're just a parent.

You don't really mean this, do you, Miles?

It's "Mr. Russell" to you.


[Both laughing]

Oh. Uh-oh.

Is everything okay, Buck?

Yeah, I hope the kids don't look like your basketball.

I took your advice. I adjusted.

Now your son hates me.

It hurts, y'all. It hurts.

[Both laugh]


See what happens when I share?

You guys are cold, man.

No, no.

It's just that if they don't hate you half the time, then it means that you're doing something wrong.

Don't b*at yourself up. You did good.

I honestly thought I had this job figured out.

I get them to school, I know what they want in their lunches, and I know no matter how many times I brush it, I still can't the Cheerios out of Maizy's hair.

Brother, that's just keeping them alive.

That's easy.

Yeah, the hard part is keeping them from being evil.

Especially Miles.

The darkness is strong in that one.

I know. He's gonna be plotting on me now.

Nah, he'll be fine in the morning.

Yeah, I don't think so. He had that d*ad-shark eye.

No, no, kids have a way of resetting when they're disappointed.

They're like little alcoholics.

When they wake up in the morning, they remember nothing.

Yeah, and sometimes they pee the bed.

It'll all be good in the morning.

For now, we're gonna leave you with your little m*rder basketball, because we got a little resetting of our own to do.

We do? Yay!

Okay, all right, all right, all right.

No more sharing. Go!


And if y'all have any more kids, I quit.

Morning, Miles.

I mean, uh, Mr. Russell.

What's up, Uncle Buck?

That didn't sound so hateful.

We cool?

Yeah, we're cool.

My man.


You think he's just pretending to be nice to me so he can k*ll me in my sleep?

No, man. Like I said... complete reset.


I'll take this stuff back, then.


Oh, yeah.

Check me out, baby.


Uh... how'd you afford all this?


Hey, babe, do you know anything about a fraud alert on our credit card?

[Knock on door]

Open up, Buck.

This is a felony.
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