01x04 - Episode Four

Episode transcripts for the TV miniseries "Power Monkeys". Aired: June 8, 2016 to July 2016.
"Power Monkeys" is a topical comedy set within the E.U. Referendum campaign following both camps along with political aides who serve Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin.
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01x04 - Episode Four

Post by bunniefuu »

I do not think it would be right for me to try to be the captain...

God, I feel sorry for him.

What? Well, he's right.

If we can just use whole-brain thinking, we can overcome these silo mentalities.


At least you bet on Brexit.

You won some money.

Yeah, in sterling.

And I feel honoured to have served it.

Oh, look, he's trying to secure his legacy... which he's just flushed down the toilet.

Still, he held the referendum.

God, Blair must be relieved. Going to w*r with Iraq's only going to be the second worst political decision of the century.

Just wanted to say chin up, we're through the worst of it.

Britain's... How shall I put it?

Completely f*cked? Not so, Oliver.

We're a small country but we punch above our weight.

Look at the way we've triggered a worldwide financial crash.

Have you seen what RBS shares are doing? Don't want to know.

Who'd have thought Osborne was underestimating the economic danger?

Hats off to the British public, they voted for white Friday and they got black Friday.



Where were you when you heard the news, Ruby?

What news?

The result. Of what?

The referendum.

Oh, that! Sorry, yeah.

Oh, so what was the result?

Leave won.

Did you vote? No, no.

That's not very civic-minded.

You have a vote, you should use it.

What? Even if I don't understand any of it?

Most people voted without understanding any of it.

No, I don't approve of that.

You know, I may be stupid, but I'm not arrogant.

Actually, she may be more civic-minded than any of us.

Yes, I know Cameron has resigned, sis, but he has called for calm.

Yeah, there will obviously be far-reaching implications but I honestly do not think your builders will be sent home before they finish the extension.

OK, I am quite busy today, I've got to go. Bye.

Well, we got the result we wanted.

Either result was fine for me, Gerry.

The Conservative Associations are solidly pro-Brexit so Boris is a shoo-in for the leadership now and I will soon be a junior minister.

Oh, yeah, you'll be seeing a lot of me on Newsnight, calling Evan Davis "Evan" and patronising Kirsty Wark and being very clear about everything.

Have you seen my phone? No, sorry.

I either left it here or maybe I dropped it doing that air guitar session with Iain Duncan Smith.

Where can it be?

What a night that was!

Another one for my collection.

Where'd you get that from?

Nuclear power station, I think.

I remember Alsatians.

Were you drunk?

Am drunk, Gerry.

Do you know, I still can't quite take it in.

Because, when I went to bed, all of the markets - ALL of the markets - were betting on Remain!

Of course they were!

Because they all live in Canary Wharf and eat quinoa.

They're not real people.

None of them have ever emptied...

All: ..a septic t*nk at three in the morning.

Yeah. Oh, come on, Gerry.

Give us a smile!

We got 52%. It was a m*ssacre!

Yeah, well, it's not quite a m*ssacre.

The only people who didn't vote Leave were Londoners, Scots, Northern Irish.



Young people.


So, this is Scot-land.

It looks OK, but it's no Michigan.

Do they have the Zika virus here?

Can't believe Prime Minister Cameron resigned.

That's what happens when you diss The Donald. Pow!

Oh, my word, the markets are crashing.

Pound's h*t the floor.

People are panicking.

Price of gold's gone sky-high.

Which is great news because now Mr Trump's bathrooms are worth twice as much.

Yes, Brexit is officially fantastic.

And he's very pleased with his golf score. Three under par!

He hasn't played yet.

Trust me, he'll score three under par.

This is going to be a great trip.

People really love him here.

Yeah, there's lots of people out to greet him.

Er, is that a Mexican flag?

They're protesters. No way!

After everything he's done for them?

That's the way it is, Brett.

The world is full of haters.

These just happen to be ginger ones.

So-called experts.

Guardian journalists.

Guardian readers.

Lib Dems. Vegetarians. Academics.

Archbishop of Canterbury.

Sandie Shaw and David Beckham.

Again, none of them real people.

Hey, it's my mate the Jackster!

Hey, Spence, you're in a fine mood.

Well, why not? We've taken our country back and my life is blessed!

In ten days, I marry the loveliest woman on planet Earth.

Was she partying with you last night? No, no.

At the last minute, she had to go visit a sick cousin in Aldershot.

She's had to go down there a lot lately.

I think the cousin's a bit demanding because, every time she comes back, she's very tired.

Well... That result was really something, wasn't it?

This is just the beginning.

Soon, ordinary people are going to rise up and take charge of their lives.

Ah, the certainty of youth!

I was like that when I was your age.

Full of ideals.

I was sure I was going to change the world.

What happened?


So... does anybody know what happens now?

Obviously there's going to be a leadership contest.

Theresa May... Yes, I'd heard that.

No, that's her name.

Yeah, right, sorry.

Theresa May would be mad to stand against Boris.

Where those remainers went wrong is they failed to understand the British people.

See, the fundamental essence of the British character is that we don't like foreigners.

Never have, never will.

But you're marrying a foreigner.

That's different, she's lovely.

Spencer, maybe she's not...

Still! Free of the EU at last, eh?

Oh, yes.

Who you ringing?

My meat pie factory.

Tell them to start chucking the old ingredients back in.

Come on, what is breaking?

The British Prime Minister has resigned.

They are leaving Europe.

This is bad news.

The President will not be pleased.

Surely Europe will be weaker.

Yes, but London house prices will go down and many of Mr Putin's associates own...

Well, London.

Ah, yes, like Roman Abramovich... who did not buy the president a yacht. Good.

Come on, what else?

We haven't got all day.

I blame the Labour Party.

They were like a bloke who, when a big fight breaks out, just stands back and films it on his iPhone.

Well, the people have spoken, bless them, but now the healing process begins and this unit has to strain every sinew to bring the Conservative family back together again.

Of course, sometimes, it's hard for the family to come back together.

If, for example, the father has slept with a co-worker in a hotel...

Yes, well...

But you're so right about the healing process and, of course, people do move on from grievances if they feel that they're being heard.

For example, and this isn't a big thing, Oliver, but you left the milk out of the fridge again this morning.

Yes, you left it in the toilet on top of the cistern.

What am I like?

And, because I've been able to air this, I don't feel I'm left with any unresolved issues.

(Stomach rumbles)

That's not me, that's just my stomach and it's not related to anything... nonphysical.

OK, well, later on today, as you know, we'll be welcoming back our valued colleague Preeya who's been on sabbatical, as it were, with the Brexit campaign and her return to our fold encapsulates the way that the Tory family is re-bonding and...

Right, we'll get this replaced.

Someone scratched the word Judas on her desk.

It's just Mr Trump is still adapting to the teleprompter.

No, no, he fired that operator.

She overestimated his reading speed.

And he's not happy with the new one.

She's too slow.

He finds it patronising.

Well, take it to the agency.

Are you OK? It's Mr Trump.

He saw me flamenco dancing. Oh.

You know, I was just happy and I turned around and I glimpsed Mr Trump standing there and he must've seen me doing my dance, which a lot of people mistake as Hispanic and unmanly, but I am a manly man.

You know that, don't you, Lauren?

I do, Brett. I've seen pictures of several of your Asian wives.

I just need to print out these polls.

Yeah, well, you won't be able to do that... because the printer broke.

Looks like it's been att*cked.

Yeah, I got kind of angry with it.


It's practically destroyed.

That's Chinese workmanship for you.

I got mad with this American-made generator once, barely made a dent.

The Chinese, they keep ripping us off.

It's got to stop.

Brett, no offence, but do you take any kind of medication? No. Right.

I've stopped for the duration of the campaign.

Yes. No. Absolutely.

President Putin enjoyed his visit to your country but you know this photo you are proposing to have framed as a gift for him?

Do you remember the president was standing with his foot on the elk that he just sh*t? Mm?

It's just I remember the elk as being bigger.

I know that the camera doesn't lie.

Well, not without Photoshop!

I am not suggesting anything but, there again, I am not the person who is thinking of sending President Putin a photo that looks as if he has just sh*t Bambi.

All right, team. Welcome to Greece!

I think it's all worked out very well. We've lanced a boil.

Admittedly, things got a bit p*ssy and there may be a danger of sepsis and possibly gangrene but I think we can avoid full amputation and move towards a managed exit.



And we just need to see who's going to be the next leader.

Theresa May... Might she?

No, this keeps happening.

Theresa May or Boris.

And it looks like Gove's going to get a big post.

Gove should get a big post.

In the way Vlad the Impaler gave people a big post.

Keep it light-hearted! Excellent!

(Phone rings)

The President wants to see me.

He rang you on your extension? Yes.

Not on the red phone? No.

Does it matter? No, it's just... not regular procedure.


Why are you looking so glum?

Oh, I don't know.

It's just, I thought that this was going to be some great exercise in democracy and, somehow, everyone's just ended up hating each other.

We're becoming two nations.

We've always been two nations, Gerry. Them and us.

Only now, us has overthrown them.

Yeah, but...

It's like the perfect episode of Downton Abbey where all the maids and the butlers rise up and butcher Lord and Lady Grantham in their sleep.

If my phone should turn up, I will be at central office, contributing to the healing process.

Goodbye, everyone.
Oh, when I'm walking into Number Ten, that little wave I do, that'll be for you, Spencer.

Do you think she will end up in government? Oh, yes.

She's easily mediocre enough.

I'll miss her.

Fat cats in the city are really panicking now.

£200 billion wiped off shares.

There goes the pension.

Jesus, I mean, the markets will steady, right?

I mean, things will get better now we're out, won't they?

Don't really care. You don't care?

It was never about that, Gerry.

I'm a realist.

I know my life will always be ruled by tossers.

I just want them to be OUR tossers.

..Yes, absolutely, OK.

So you revised photo.

I think you'll find that the elk might have had larger antlers.

Also, maybe the President's torso was a little more muscular.

And the men behind him...shorter.

OK, work in progress, yeah. Bye-bye.

Are you OK? Yes.

You're sweating. Oh, yes.

That's from the wrestling.

The wrestling?

The President wanted to wrestle.


He kept pinning me to the ground.

He says he'll teach me martial arts.

He says he'll soon have me breaking pieces of slate with my head.

It's OK. I'll be fine.

I'm a big boy, mate.

So, Olly, how did this EU thing start?

Well, it started after World w*r II, something called the Treaty of Rome.

Heard of that. The Treaty of Rome?

No, no, World w*r II.

So, anyhow, we've been in the EU for ages, then. Yes.

No, no. At first, we didn't want to join, because we were too stuck-up.

And then we changed our minds, then we did want to join.

And this big-nosed, lanky Frenchman, De Gaulle, said we couldn't join...

Bit too much detail. Yeah, well...

Cut to 1971, and Tory PM Edward Heath...

Have you heard of him? They said he was a paedophile, but he wasn't.

Is that all you know about him?

God, history's a bastard.

Anyhow, ever since then, the Tories have been divided into stayers and leavers who have a profound hatred for each other.

Think Sunni and Shia.

Israelis and Palestinians. Oh...

Gryffindor and Slytherin. Gotcha.

And the Tories are a bit like a dog with one of those huge great plastic collars that it has to wear to stop it chewing at a wound to make it worse.

Except every time the Tory Party gets into power, it decides not to bother with the collar, and there's an enormous bust-up that makes the 30 Years w*r look like a game of conkers...

Actually, I have heard of Sunni and Shia.

Weren't they a '60s pop duo?

..I'm in Scotland.

Yeah, no, I just wanted to...

No, Mom, I'm fine. I'm perfectly safe. Everything's fine.

I know there are no-go areas, but I'm not getting off the plane.

Cos I don't have a passport.

Yeah, OK. Don't worry, and I love you. Bye.

Oh... Donald thought I had the sniffles.

Lauren, would you mind telling me why we're not leading the news bulletins?

Well, Bea, the UK media is sort of majoring on the most historic event in Britain since the Second World w*r.

Mr Trump is here opening a hotel.


I want more TV out there. Where's Piers Morgan? Where's David Frost?

At least one of those is d*ad.

We may have another problem.

We think a journalist might have recorded a remark by Donald that might have been a little... inappropriate.

God. Not, "Hillary can suck my d*ck," again.

No. "Princess Diana gave me a hell of a blow job"?

No. "Ted Cruz's wife..."

It's not blow job-related.

That's something. So, what is it?

The Mexicans started the Zika virus by having sex with iguanas?

When did he say that?

We heard him talking to one of his hair team. Oh!

So, what exactly did he say?

He kind of mentioned the fact that 85% of transsexuals are Jewish.

When you say "the fact"...?

We believe it to not be fully accurate.

Do we know why he said it?

He won't know why he said it.

But if it gets out, it'll be damaging, so I've explained to Donald that with your valuable Washington media contacts, you can k*ll it.

You did? Yeah.

Hey, did you guys see Mr Trump's tweet?

"Just arrived in Scotland.

They're going wild over the vote. They took their country back, just like we will take America back."

Scotland actually voted to remain in Europe.

We're in Europe?

Big news in America.

The Democrats held a sit-in over g*n laws.

The Republicans went home, but the Democrats stayed in Congress all night as a protest.

That's not a protest.

That's a sleepover.

I have just got to call this guy and pour a bucket of shit over his head.

..No, no, I'm not confirming that he said it.


So? They're saying that the Jewish transsexual misspeak is legitimate journalism.

So, what are you going to do?

We... could do nothing.

You know, like when Donald said 10,000 Muslims were on the streets of New Jersey celebrating 9/!!.

Was that not correct? No, Brett. Oh.

So, how many were there? 9,000? Oh.

Listen, someone needs to take the h*t and say they mis-briefed him.

There must be a couple of interns who haven't done that yet.

An intern would be too cowardly.

Someone more senior needs to take the h*t.

Could we say Corey did it before he left?

Corey already took the h*t for the h*t.

You know, when he h*t that woman.

That's Corey, not Mr Trump.

He is very anti the hitting of women. Even servants.

Are we allowed to mention Corey now?

No. Listen...

If someone were to take the h*t, then Donald would stand by them.

Have you considered doing it?

Have I considered doing it?

I have, and I rejected it.

I'm just a little too pivotal.

Needs to be someone between my degree of pivotalness and that of an intern.

Like, um... Who could that be?

I don't know, Bea.

But in the event that somebody, say, briefed the press that it was me, I would deny it.

That's good to know.

But someone needs to step up and say it was their fault. Bea...

Has Mr Trump mentioned me in any way today?

I reckon this is the end of parliamentary democracy.

Yep. Once Boris is PM, that'll k*ll it.

Once we elect a man who's either too vain or too stupid to use a condom.

Are you OK, Gerry?

Yeah. No. No, I'm fine.

Just my brother and sister fighting about my dad's funeral.

My lot were like that when my dad d*ed.

Till I banged their heads together.

And how did you do that?

Well... I banged their heads together.

(Phone vibrates)


Hello, sis. Right.

Oh, the cathedral IS available.


Yep, you're right.

Yeah, it will give more room for the congregation, yeah.

And for the band of the Household Cavalry.

Statement from Boris.

Sis, I'm going to call you back.

Is that Preeya's phone? Yeah, I just found it down the back here.

And she's left it unlocked.

Very sloppy work for a future Cabinet Minister.

I don't think you should... Hang on.

Oh, come on. Don't mess about.

Too late.

She's just offered Michael Gove a blow job, smiley face.


Someone's banging on the door.

It's probably just Jehovah's Witnesses. I think it's Preeya.

Is it? Oh, how lovely.

You don't get a lot of Jehovah's Witnesses in Conservative campaign headquarters.

Someone's cancelled my keycard.

Oh, no. Really?

Preeya's back, everyone, ready to play a key role in this unit's healing mission going forward.

Who are you? I'm Sara. Right.

So, what's the mood like at the Brexit camp?

I've just come from the Brexit press conference.

It sounds pretty upbeat.

Michael Gove couldn't stop smiling at me and winking.

And where's my desk? Oh, um...

I'm having it replaced.

With a better one. Right...

Let's cr*ck open a bottle of bubbly to celebrate Preeya's return.

I've been stressing the importance of creating a space where everyone feels they can express themselves. That's nice.

Everyone's voice is important.

I hope that doesn't include me.

Cos that just feels like pressure.

You're not joining us, Oliver?

Thanks, Preeya. I'm...

Started feeling a little nauseous.

Oh, when did that come on?

Um... A couple of moments ago.

Well, I am looking forward to helping unify the party.

Oh, just got worse.

OK, so what do I have to say again?

You say you just got the statistics wrong, that, really, 8.5%...

No, wait, 0.85% of transsexuals are Jewish.

0.85%. OK.

And Mr Trump will know it was me who did this for him? For sure.

Yes, for sure. And you'll talk to him about the flamenco? Yes!

Is that journalist going to run her story? No, she is not. Why not?

I reached out to her. Is she d*ad?

No, she's not d*ad.

Mr Trump's hotels keep very thorough records of their guests' comings and goings, and the journalist in question had lots of comings and goings.

Mostly comings.

OK, so now I don't have to say I mis-briefed him? No.

So Mr Trump will never know what I was willing to do for him?


(Banging and crashing)

What the hell's going on in there?

I'm not sure, but I hope it's an American-made toilet.


Time to walk the President's dog.

Hello again.

Yes, the President is looking forward to his visit.

But there's just one thing.

As you know, the President likes a hunting trip.

Would it be possible to...?

Wild boar?

Hm. Yes, maybe.

We were thinking more a panda.

Yes, a giant panda.

OK, it doesn't have to be giant, but not so small that it's embarrassing.

What Starbucks would call regular.

Yes, I'll leave it with you. Mm-hm.

Why are you hovering?

I told you before - don't hover.

The President says that from now on, he wants you to walk the dog.

Stay clear of the pond.

She's already k*lled three ducks, a goose, and a... coot.

Come on.

So, Preeya, admit it - you never really wanted to win and be left with this mess.

I'm absolutely delighted with the result.

Do you want to try that again?

I'm over the moon, Oliver.

I am very, very happy.

Ruby, can you make sure that we have some almond milk, please?

Can you milk almonds?

God Almighty.

(Phone vibrates)


Am I in favour of an opt out for London?

Can you find out if that includes Richmond?

You look properly upset, Oliver.

Is it cos of high roaming charges?

No, Ruby, it's because politicians have discovered they can win a campaign just on hatred.

It changes things.

Britain is about to live through a 50-year edition of the Jeremy Kyle Show.

So it's actually going to affect me?

Not you, Ruby, cos you are absurdly rich should.

Just everyone else.

At a Shadow Cabinet meeting, they've tabled a no-confidence motion in Jeremy Corbyn.

Not often you hear "Corbyn" and "motion" in the same sentence.

Bloody hell, though.

Fasten your seatbelts.

(He chuckles)

Are you all right? Yes. It's just...

It's just thinking of Boris and Gove left behind to sort out this catastrophic shit heap.
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