01x06 - Longest Days

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Roadies". Aired: June 2016 to August 2016.
"Roadies" is an insider’s look at the reckless, romantic, funny and often poignant lives of a committed group of "roadies," who live for music and the de facto family they’ve formed along the way. The music-infused ensemble comedy series chronicles the rock world through the eyes of music’s unsung heroes and puts the spotlight on the backstage workers who put the show on the road while touring the United States for a successful arena-level band.
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01x06 - Longest Days

Post by bunniefuu »

Bill: Previously on Roadies...

So, here we go. Hometown number one.

Denver, Colorado.

all: Yeah!

I have a bad feeling about you bringing Mike Finger here.

Finger holds the key to our box set.

Reg Whitehead?

Dude, I'm your manny.

You're fired, hipster assh*le.

Kelly Ann: People actually think I'm with Reg?

We all know. Why hide it?

He likes you, and he's actually here, which in my world is a f*cking plus.

I'm wondering if we should keep playing Janine.


Because she called.

Janine called?

The actual Janine?

I will find this Janine.

Janine Beckwith.

Legend has it Christopher stumbled on someone's old yearbook in a Salvation Army with all these inscriptions in it.

I don't need to see her.

Would you like to come back tomorrow night?

Is this you asking or is this you asking for Christopher?

♪ In the house tonight ♪

[Lucius' "Turn It Around" playing]

♪ She fell comatose ♪
♪ Waiting for this thing to grow ♪

[sing-song] Looking for the Staton-House Band.

♪ She can't be bothered by the ties that bind her ♪

Looking for the Staton-House Band.

♪ She's united when it strangles everything it holds ♪

Staton-House Band?

Yeah, uh, they're actually not staying at this hotel.

Well, who are you?

I'm the tour manager.

May I?


I can't.

Have a good one.

You, too.

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh Ay-ay-ay ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh Ay-ay-ay ♪

[playing harmonica]

♪ ♪


Oh, wait, I got one.

"You can wait here or you can come with."

I don't actually mind that one.

Here's the one I can't stand.

"It is what it is."

Oh, agreed. That is one of my least favorite phrases.

Where is it?

What does "it is what it is" even mean?



Sorry. Forgot you got all liquored and tindered up last night.

You should have come with.

"It is what it is" means, "f*ck it.

You're on your own. You're f*cked," much as I am.

Nothing good ever happens after someone says, "It is what it is."

Christ on a bike.

That's a bad one, too.

No, I me... I mean, Christ on a bike.

I can't find my laminate.

[elevator dings]

♪ Everything and nothing always haunts me ♪

Beautiful day, huh, Reg?

It is, indeed. If you like deliriously high bass players texting the Governor's wife in the middle of the night.

Are you kidding? I thought Rick loved Natalie Shayne.

And it seems, the wife of Governor Steve Beagle, "Tiff."

I also heard Rick found a sober companion.

Yeah, I'm not sure I trust any sober companion hired by someone who is drunk at the time of hiring.

I'm hoping this is rock bottom for Rick.

Lucius almost filed harassment charges.

Things can only get better. Nice shirt, by the way.

Isn't it just?


Kelly Ann's going to tell you she lost her laminate.

Mm, 500 bucks or you wear the turkey hat.

Oh, yeah, so... so what is the actual theory behind the wearing of the turkey hat?

Well, it's about everyone knowing you've let yourself down.

You gotta wear the shame.

Well, no way I lost it.

I just temporarily can't find it.

That's what happens right before you lose something, possibly forever.

Well, what if we just, you know, bend the rules this one time?

Like, a one-time only thing.

And she can give herself a break, for once.

Rules are rules though, right?

And you gotta face the repercussions.



I know where I must have left it.

Hey, guys.

Oh, Shel? - Uh-huh.

Um, so you know I still got this, uh, Shelli?

Y... yes?

You know I still got this, um, lost luggage problem with a, uh, brown leather Fendi.

Mm, yes.

So if you could slip this into the laundry with wardrobe, and I... I'll gladly pay.

Um, it's just that the... the... the hotels, they charge so much.

I know, don't they? No, you... you don't have to pay.

Don't worry.

Oh, no. Really?

I insist.

[Isaac Hayes' "Hung Up On My Baby" playing]

♪ ♪

[phone ringing]

Oh, hello, great Janine.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪

By the power vested in me, as judge, jury, and executioner for 2016 Capture the Flag tour, you must now be made to suffer the hat of eternal shame.

It is what it is.


Yeah, I got 20 on the turkey.



Sorry, I'm feeling tidal waves of embarrassment just being near you.


Okay, guys.

Morning circle, let's go.



Some of us had an extremely heavy night last night, so maybe we could do, like, a semicircle this morning where we just sit right here and you can tell us a story.

Yes, pretend like we're your congregation and preach to us, brother.

All right, um... well, I'd like to officially welcome our band archivist, who's been with us a couple days already, but...

[chuckles] I don't know that anybody's been welcomed to our family circle faster than this gentleman right here.

This is not the tale of some millennial who collected a couple of clippings and created a website.

This is a rich legacy.

Let me tell you the story of another young man.

A young man from Brooklyn, New York, the son of a dressmaker.

He started in the mailroom at William Morris, later began Asylum Records, sold it and started Geffen Records.

That's right, I'm talking about billionaire David Geffen.

Did I mention Danny Sugarman?

'Cause that 16-year-old kid, he was answering fan mail at 8512 Santa Monica Boulevard, headquarters of...

The Doors.

The Doors, huh.

And he became the right hand man and Boswell to Mr. Mojo Rising: Jim Morrison.

[exasperated sigh]

You see, guys... guys?

The Civil w*r had Ken Burns, Lyndon Johnson had Robert Caro, and the Staten-House Band is lucky enough to have Mr. Michael Lewis Finger.

Remember that name, okay?

Yeah, thank you.


So, one more hometown show, and, uh, don't be surprised.

Everybody acts a little nuts due to the altitude.

You see, high atop mountains, people behave differently.

They hear differently.

They make mistakes.

Make choices that can sometime alter the course of their lives.

The thing about life is you only got one sh*t to get it right, but here in Denver, we got two, right?

So here we go. Denver hometown number two.

Let's do it. Let's get it going, right?


Okay, thanks.

Let's have a good show.

Sorry, just, uh, just... just one... just one quick thing.

Hey, Reg?

Before you...

S... sorry.

Before you go.

I, uh, I had a phone call... [coughs] this morning from Jack White's manager.

Jack is a huge fan of the band.

He is in Denver.

And he would like to open up for us tonight.

girl: What? Seriously?

[indistinct chatter]

Bill: Great.


Yeah, okay.


You look good.

Thank you.

You look great.


Leave me alone.

I'm set up and there is absolutely nothing I need to do.

If only that were true.

[groans] What?

Everybody has to do their once-a-tour hang with Tom, and you're up.

He likes to have that personal connection with everybody on the crew.

Can't we just say we have a personal connection and not do the hang?

You just hang out with him, listen to the travails of stardom, and you get on out of there.

I gotta call Laurie tonight. She's pregnant.

She wants to have a big jealous fight and if I hang out with Tom, I won't have the energy.

You like to fight?

That's how we love.

Then we hold each other for hours.

And you talk about everything, don't you?

[Blitzen Trapper's "Big Black Bird" playing]

♪ Heave ho, the captain's gold ♪

It wasn't my fault.

♪ The last glass eye that the gypsy's stole ♪

Okay, I'm sorry.

Is that what you want me to say?

Nah. I don't do apologies.

Shit happens, shit gets dealt with.

By the way, you're supposed to be reading Tale of Two Cities.

I don't have it.

Go get it.

I left it in New Orleans, which is also your fault.

You should have reminded me, but I've read it anyway.

Yeah? What's it about?

It's about, uh, a city.

And then this... this other city.

Yeah, like, uh, uh, two cities.

And... and then they fight.

Okay, dude, I personally don't care if you enter this world as a person of limited intelligence, but one day you will be an adult, okay?

And you're going to take your shit out onto the street.

And believe me, the street will have an opinion.

I took a big crap in your Yeezies.

No worries.

I'll get your dad to buy me a new pair.

You know what? You can't rattle me, little man.

Because as much of a d*ck as you are, I was way worse.

Now give me the ball.

Why don't you quit like all the others?

Because I have outlets. Okay? I play guitar.

I garden. I blow people's minds with coffee that freak boy Mike Finger says is controversial.

I wish I played guitar.

My dad only taught me three chords.

Wa... wait, is... is that what this is about?

A guitar lesson?

Would you teach me?

♪ Boom, boom, boom clap ♪

I'm gonna do you one better.

[Charli XCX's "Boom Clap" playing]

[phone ringing]



You weren't at morning circle.

You're always at morning circle.

♪ Stars shining as your bones illuminate ♪

I-I didn't have anybody to look at while I was b*mb.


Oh, you missed this, uh...

Apparently Reg has gotten Jack White to open for us tonight.

That doesn't sound right.

I mean, Jack White only opens for the Rolling Stones.

He said he talked to his manager.

I don't know. I think we're gonna get Jack White.

Will you stop being so positive?

♪ Come on to me, come on to me ♪

Although that would be an inspired combination.

It would be rare.

I... I'm talking about the kind of thing that's so rare that it's... it's almost like it didn't happen.

I get the feeling we're not talking about Jack White anymore.

You know I love Jack White.

Oh, hey, Kelly Ann?

Here. Your man has needs.

Get those to the laundry.

You know I have, like, an actual job, right?

Day two, turkey hat. You got the time.

You look good. You pull it off.

Some people look a little ridiculous, you know?

You kinda make it look cool.

♪ I feel your love ♪
♪ Boom clap The sound of my heart ♪
♪ The b*at goes on and on and on ♪

How did I get stuck doing Reg's laundry?

The same way I got stuck doing the Tom Staton hang.

What a waste of time.

Look at these socks.

Like little crescent moons.

They're bananas.

Do you think he went in the store and he was, like, "I'll take those socks."


Seems more comfortable in his skin, you know?

Like almost... cool.

Yeah. Since you've been sleeping with him, he's been glowing.


And f*ring fewer people.

You're welcome.


What was it like?

Oh, it was mind-bl*wing.

We had fish and chips. He called Prince William and they spoke about "bits and bobs."

It was pretty sublime.

About time you admit it.

♪ Come on to me come on to me now ♪
♪ Boom clap you make me feel good ♪
♪ Come on to me come on to me now ♪

Oh, it's f*cking all wet.


Hi, we're looking for a Mr. Manuscitz.

He's no longer in the hotel.

[phone beeps]

Shit, that's right.

Chris must have changed his name for the second night in Denver.


He's gotta be under one of these other names.

D.B. Cooper?



Okay, Reginald Dwight? Detective Harry Callahan?

Gordon Sumner?

Hervé Villechaize?

David Furnish?

Bruce Jenner?

Caitlyn Jenner?

Francis Albert Sinatra?

For the elevator.

[elevator dings]

He's gonna make one stray comment about the show, then he's gonna immediately ask you about Janine.

You be brief. Provide no details.

See, Reg, the thing is, you're playing with incredibly coustie chemicals here.

She's an incredible person.



That's the problem. You look good.

Thanks. How was the garage?

Loved wearing the Gram Parsons jacket again.

Yeah, it's good. I, uh, I actually...

I plugged in an old boom box that had "play" still pressed.

"Radio Nowhere" comes on, same place I'd turned it off seven years earlier, and for a minute...

Hey, so how is Janine?

She was great.

She was fabulous.

The show, though, I thought was transcendent.

Great show.

It was a... it was the sort of show that really made me...

How did she smell?

Like a kind of rose.

No, like, um, childhood.

And chocolate.

Childhood and chocolate.


You know, I-I think the new set is the perfect set...

How did she respond to the show?

I mean, were you with her?

For most of it, yeah.

Christopher: That's fantastic. Thank you.

No, my pleasure.

What did she respond to?

Well, you, of course.

I mean, she hung on every word.

She's quite quiet, but she's very... she was very still.

She wore a pea coat.

The pea coat.



Should we invite her to come tonight?

Definitely not.

I think she would love that.

This is great. You should call and invite her.

I will do that.

But no backstage.

Only if she asks.

Childhood and chocolate. I love that.

I wasn't gonna see her again until you said that.

My pleasure.

Are you gonna h*t me?

I don't h*t... anymore. Janine's not coming.

She got a flat tire. Her kid's sick.

They need her back at the emergency room.

She doesn't have a kid.

That woman is a Trigger Girl.

They pull the trigger, Reg.

Okay, she will actively derail Christopher House, so you can call Preston, you do whatever you want, but you're not gonna walk in here and f*ck with my guitar player's head.

Period. You got that?

[Foals' "Birch Tree" playing]

♪ ♪

Sometimes it's just your turn.

♪ Come meet me by the river ♪
♪ See how time it flows ♪

Hey, Tom.

I heard Jim James and Lucius both tried to steal you.

They all try to steal me.

How have you been? I hear Laurie's pregnant.


I want to hear how you been doing.

How... how are your parents?

They're good.

My dad came out as gay last year.

And your mom?

She's the only straight one left.

It's tough.

With everything happening with society, it's like that line from "Happenstance."

"Shifting sands, holding hands, everything is new."

I'm really glad you guys are playing that song again.

Christopher's waking up. Y... you know I love him, but he's been a little asleep.

And me, you know how I struggle with the success.

Tom, I have all this pressure to leave our hang early because...

I ordered you a massage.

But I told everyone leave me the f*ck alone.

I'm hanging with Tom.

♪ ♪


♪ I said, "Better late than never" ♪

Sorry, I'm confused.

Are you a turkey or are you a human?

Listen, have you ever seen the movie Local Hero?




I was just thinking about how amazing it is.

And that you would like it.

And I was thinking about actually maybe watching it again some time.

Oh, I... I'll de... I'll definitely check it out.

Okay. I'm gonna go on one last mega-search for my laminate.

Well, happy hunting.


Hey, buddy.

Hey, man.

You know how in bad movies when two people who really enjoy each other's company sleep together and it changes everything?

Like, suddenly their whole being is defined by the fact that they've had sex.


Let's not be in that movie.



William, honey, it was, uh, you know, it was... wow last night.

But, uh, many not-so-great things are just around the corner if "wow" ever happens again.

I think that was it.


You're amazing, but I want to make your life easier, not harder.

So it won't happen again.

I knew it last night.

[chuckles] You know what I love about you?

I-I feel like everything we are as friends is, like, still in, like, pretty good shape.


You just can't tell anyone.

Shelli, I'm discreet.

I operate very well in these post-coital waters.

Powerful women find me safe and interesting.

Quit polishing your apple.

It won't happen again and none of them will know.

You and I, we'll know.

If that's a problem, tell me now.

No, that's not a problem. [sighs]

It's just...

I don't enjoy finding the one good thing in my life and f*cking it up.

I depend on a Bill and Shelli who know exactly where we stand with each other.

You know, mostly.

I'm still a good thing in your life.

I lessen stress.

Let's be the Bill and Shelli is alive and well, admiring each other from afar, well-loved by young and old alike, gripped with amnesia over everything that's happened in Denver... version.


But just no one can find out what happened.

Stop. You're making me feel like some trollop that you picked up along the way.


You're picky, and I'm honored.

And it's over, and I understand that.

You're so adult about this whole thing.

Makes me just a little paranoid that you only wanted to see what I was like.

Trust me, that's not the case.

Let's maybe not talk any more about last night.

May I add one more thing?

I... I'd rather you didn't.

It happened, we happened.

It was wonderful. It was unforgettable.

And every 37 years, when we see the Supermoon we can think about Bill and Shelli.

Actually the Supermoon happens every 14 months.

We, uh, we got that wrong.

Not 37 years. - Mm-mm.

[soft guitar music playing]

♪ ♪


I recognize that voice.

[chuckles] Missed you, brother.

How you doing, hot rod?

What are you guys out doing today?

Nothing much. What the hell you drinking, man?

[chuckles] Gotta stay healthy these days, right?

Yeah. I hear that, sensei.

Oh, look, uh, I bring you a young man who wants to play guitar.

This is Winston. He's Tom Staton's kid.

Tom Staton's kid. I like your old man.

He's a f*cking assh*le.

[chuckles] I remember being your age and hating my dad, too.

So the best thing to do is, uh, learn how to make your anger work for you.

This here is, uh, my life's companion.

Nora Guthrie gave me this guitar.

This was Woody Guthrie's guitar.

You know who Woody Guthrie was?


Woody Guthrie's name is written in the stars.

He wrote the most beautiful songs.

Now hold this.

He took his anger and made something beautiful out of it.

A guitar's kinda like, uh, a woman if you hold it nice and you, uh... and you finger it the right way, beautiful songs will come out of it.

My grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And, um... she used to call me up in the afternoon and she'd say, uh, she'd say, "Buddy, why don't you come and see me?"

And, uh, I'd have to lay in bed with her 'cause she was sick.

Now, have you ever locked eyes with a 100-year-old-woman before?

Mm, no.

She, uh, looked like she was your age.

She... her face took on that of a little girl and, uh, she said, "You know, buddy, you're gonna find out real soon that life is short.

Even its longest days."

And I thought all the good songs had been written till I heard that line.

So, since you came over here to learn how to play a guitar, let's try to play this song together, okay?

[strumming guitar]

The first chord you're gonna play is an A.

[both strumming guitar]

Then it goes to your D.

[both strumming guitar]

And then back to your A.

[both strumming guitar]


All right, hot rod, you ready?


[playing "Longest Days"]

♪ ♪
♪ Seems like once upon a time ago ♪
♪ I was where I was supposed to be ♪
♪ My vision was true ♪
♪ And my heart was too ♪
♪ And there was no end to what I could dream ♪

Keeping up with me?

♪ But deep down in your soul, you know ♪
♪ You got no flame ♪
♪ And who knows then ♪
♪ Which way to go ♪
♪ That's when life is short ♪
♪ Even in its longest days ♪

♪ ♪

Not bad.

Yes, yes, yes.

That was so cool. Wow.

What do you say to that?

Cage the Elephant was better.


Oh, there's rock critics everywhere.

If it wasn't so great, then just go put my life's companion back in its stand.


Why are you looking at me like that?

[gasps] Oh, my God! Oh!

[indistinct chatter]

[both chuckling]


Why, hello. How are you?

I'm well. How are you?

Yeah, really good.

Oh, yeah? Hi.

Thanks for coming again. - Mm-hmm.

It's good to see you.

Yeah, you too.

Oh, that looks better.

Yeah, no, it really hurts, but I'm pleased it looks nice for you.



Uh, thank you so much for not wearing your horsey coat again.

I, uh, thought I would de-hay for you.

Oh, so, uh, one quick thing.

Christopher doesn't want me here.

No, actually, quite the opposite.

[exhales sharply] It's Bill, isn't it?

No, it... it... it... it truly...

It's okay, it's okay.

It's okay, I don't, uh, I don't want to know.

Oh, good.


It's Bill.


I know it's Bill.


I know it's Bill.

He seem to think that it might cause a bit of a stir.


[exhales deeply] It is what it is.


Well, none of them understand. It's like... it's like they're all living with this ancient idea of who I am.

But I didn't come to see them.

I came to see you.
[Gregory Alan Isakov's "Amsterdam" playing]

♪ Oh, churches and trains ♪
♪ Well, they all look the same to me now ♪
♪ They sh**t you some place ♪
♪ While we ache to come home somehow ♪
♪ ♪

I actually don't mind when a guy takes a big swing and misses.

Like, he has no idea I'm not into guys.

It's when a guy takes a little swing and misses, I'm usually not nice to them.

[strumming ukulele]

Hey, what about that rigger?

The one that changed the set list?

Kelly Ann?


I think Christopher has a crush on her.

Are you sh1tting me?

Don't say anything.


I'm totally discreet.

[exhales sharply]

I think she's with Reg.


I won't say anything to Christopher.

Hey, where is Winston?

Wes took him for a guitar lesson with John Mellencamp.

Ah, I love that Wes.

You know, Winston doesn't always connect with people, but he's really bonded with that guy.

I'm sorry! I don't know who Woody Guthrie is.

[exhales sharply]

You f*cking assh*le! I...

Do you know what you just did, you little monster?

You disrespected the Man, man. Okay?

The Mellencamp, whose lyrics are quoted by Bob f*cking Dylan!

You spilled disgusting wheatgrass smoothie on Woody Guthrie's guitar, man.

Did you not hear the tender story about his 100-year-old grandma?

With the face?

This is why they call you "Devil Child" behind your back.

They call me "The Devil Child"?

[exhales sharply] I... I'm sorry.

I can't look at you. You gotta ride in back.

Just... [exhales sharply]

I am truly sorry.

You... you called the management of Jack Black, not Jack White.

That was just Jack Black saying he's sorry, but he had to fly back to Los Angeles, and after he thought about it, he's not sure it fits with his concept of Tenacious D.

So where's Jack White?

We don't know what city Jack White is in.

And we are once again without an opening act.

Uh, actually, uh, it looks like Black Atlantis might finally get their sh*t.

Oh! Oh, thank you, thank you.

Yeah? Okay.

I promise, only ballads, none of the dark stuff, okay.

[exhales sharply and claps]


Hey, guys.

All right, hello.

Rick. Natalie.

Guys, uh, thanks to Natalie, I know I have a problem.

So I decided to fly my neighbor in from L.A. to help.

Um, everybody, this is Marc Maron of the WTF podcast and television show.

Wow, the Marc Maron. I'm a What the f*ck.

Oh, wow, thanks.

The one with Kim Gordon? Amazing.

Right? That was, like, that was intense.

Yeah, you could tell.

I was nervous about that.

It was, like, yeah, you could feel that.

It... it... it came out okay.


Yeah, yeah. Well, look, I'm a...

I'm a big, uh, SHB fan, so when, uh, Rick asked me to help him out, you know, stay sober, uh, I was in, you know, and I know Lucius, and the girls told me he got a little... a little... little bad. Little wobbly, huh?

That one?

It wasn't pretty.

All right.

So who's opening tonight?

Oh, it's a... it's a bit of a sore subject.

Uh, uh, Reg called Jack Black and Jack White.

And which one's opening?

Uh, neither.

But you know what? We're... we're actually thinking that this might be the day...

Hey, you know what?

I could do it.

I could do a quick 10, 15 minutes of stand-up.

That would be awesome.

I mean, that would be hilarious, the only...

Marc Maron opening for us?

I was just... uh...

It'd be a blast.

I'd be honored, seriously.


This is awesome.



Let's go.


You want to come with me?


Great idea.

Nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you, too.

So generous of you.

See you out there.

Such a pleasure. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah.

There you go.

Problem solved, eh?

Marc Maron.


You don't understand what just happened?


A comedian never opens for a rock band.

What? Is it another f*cking curse?

It just doesn't work. It's like bad chemicals.

Blood and plastic. It... it's two different parts of the brain.

I mean, Tom and Christopher are going to f*cking flip out.

What... what if I can get Jack White before showtime?

In less than two hours?

Reg, you didn't get Jack Black.

Jack White doesn't know who you are.

At this point, I don't think you could get Jack Blue, Yellow, Green, or local juggler Jack Orange.

At this point, you couldn't even get Jack Off.

I'm sorry, I'm not good with insults.

Oh, no, that was pretty solid.

The only good news is that there can't be any worse news.

Listen, uh, so Janine is here, and I think that she should say hi to Christopher.

So let's just get past it.

Did I hear you correctly?


You want to bring Janine backstage to meet Christopher?

Well, he said to offer.

And a junkie will ask for heroin.

It's not like that.

I think that if Christopher sees her, he will realize that she's not the old Janine anymore.


Okay, do it.

But just know... you'll wear it.

If the band asks me why, I'll say you took responsibility.

Oh, thank you. Oh, no hugs.

[Little May's "Boardwalks" playing]

♪ ♪

Oh, well, hello.


♪ Sticking to the walls ♪
♪ Sticking to this one way street ♪



I missed you.

I've only been gone five minutes.

It's only been five minutes.

It has not been five minutes.

It felt a lot longer than that.

I-I want something for you.

[chuckles] What... what do you want?

I think that you deserve closure.

Closure's an urban myth.

Christopher's asked about you.

You asked about Christopher.

I think it's time that you put the past in the past.


You are, uh, you're gonna make me cry now.

Let's go and see Christopher.

And put an end... to this boring ancient history.

♪ ♪



You look good.

Yeah, thanks. You too, Bill.

Sorry, Janine, this is Shelli, our production manager.



Shelli, this is the actual Janine.

Yes, yes.

The one and only.

That's right.

Wow, yeah, nice to meet you.

Well, well, well, wow.

Wow, indeed.



This is, uh...



Hey, guys, uh, this is a set list for tonight.

We're gonna encore with...


Hi, Chris, Hi.


You look amazing. You changed your hair.

[chuckles] Yeah, changed my life.

Sure changed mine.

We've been playing some of the old songs again.

Yeah, I know. I was there last night.

What'd you think?

Well, you know, a lot's been coming up for me, too.

Like when I heard the words "tough angel" again, it made me think that everything I've been doing has just been exactly on schedule.

What do you mean? Like the emergency room?

'Cause I've heard so many stories about where you've been, what you've been doing...

Yeah, you... you had my number.

And you never called.

I w... was going to.

Yeah. See, my friends all read your interviews where you talk about your glorious former love, but you've never reached out to me.

And guess what?

You're about to find out what it's like on the other side of the fence.


What it's like to be used.

What happens when you take a real person, not the lyrics of a song, and discard her.

Janine, you left me.

Oh, my God. You... you left yourself.

You were cruel and selfish.

And you pushed me away and then... and then you talk about me.

You talk about me like I'm some gift from above.

Some special gift to give you sad songs and a weepy story to tell those jack-off journalists with a tear in your eye.

Then you show them the tattoo of me?

Your "glorious angel."

Hey, I cherish that tattoo, okay?

Yeah. Oh, my God, your sad, tired girlfriend.

Well, f*ck you!

I have a book deal.

Christopher: What?

I ke... I kept everything.

Ah, legal tablets, your notes, your clothes, that damn boots that you always loved to wear.

And, uh, this.

The Yearbook is real.

Do you have the Kitchen Sessions?

I have everything!


This is like a f*cking street mugging, Janine.

Oh, God, I have dreamed of this moment, when I get to tell you that everything you left behind, all that pain is going to turn into the money you never offered me.

Thank God I met a beautiful man, a lawyer in Boulder, who showed me how to even the score.

'Cause, Christopher, I know where all the bodies are buried.

And you are not getting rid of me this time.

Not without paying me...


What I deserve.

You got a show to do.

Oh, yeah.

Why don't we table this, Janine?

Or you and I can go back...

Oh, okay, maybe it's time we tell your best friend about the time that you drove me home from Tulaggi's...


And pulled off on the side of the road and you kissed me and we f*cked.

I don't remember that.

You should.

[scoffs] It's your best friend.

You f*cked me in your Volvo across the street from our house.

I remember briefly hugging in private.

I've got the e-mail you wrote me later, "Sweet William."

What is she talking about, Bill?


I f*cked him.

I f*cked his brains out, Chris.

Because I knew it would hurt you.

Because he doesn't get sex thrown at him like you do all the time. [chuckles]

He appreciates it more because he gets less.

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

I just figured it was time we all told each other the f*cking truth!

That's great. Keep that.

Ah, Puna. [exhales sharply]

That's it, Janine.

Yeah, that's about it.

♪ And your ache will be tender ♪
♪ ♪

I'm sorry.

I had no idea.

♪ When you're starring in your last role ♪
♪ And I have been around ♪
♪ ♪

Uh, you okay?

Did you do it?


♪ ♪

[inhales deeply]

♪ ♪

f*ck you, Bill.

♪ ♪
♪ Tear it out ♪
♪ And your luster will be frozen ♪

Can we just have a moment?

Be quick.

♪ You were choking in your own bed ♪

So I just need to know... for when I replay this over and over again for the rest of my life.

Was none of that real?

Like, were the horses and, um, "I don't want to see Christopher."

I'm sorry I put you in the middle.

Probably going to lose my job over this.

I come from sports, you know, and, um, accounting.

I don't... I don't understand show people.

Here, I...

I brought you this.

For my wound?


I'm afraid it won't work.

Reg, I... I'm sorry.

I can't believe you had sex with Janine.

It is what it is.

No, it isn't.

You can't just brush it away.

I don't ever want to hear "it is what it is" again.

So you don't want to talk about what happened last night, but you want to talk about a mistake that I made before I ever even met you?

So you do think last night was a mistake.


Like the best mistake I've ever made in my life.

I've never done anything like this.

I've never cheated on Sean.

This is not who I am.

And I'm afraid when I talk to him, he's gonna hear it in my voice.

This has to be over.

We can't allow our personal feelings to get in the way of our jobs.

Or... maybe we can.


No. No, no, no.

We... we... we can't. We can't because I-I...

I want this tour to be a success.

I-and I-I want to build from it.


I want to manage this band one day.

Wait a second.

You want to manage the band?

Well, why not?

What... why do you think it's just crazy for me to... why are you looking at me like that?

Well, because I was thinking that maybe, uh, I want to manage the band.

Well, maybe we should discuss whether we want to do that together.

Let me ask you this.

Do you love Sean?

How's it going?




Hey, do you, uh, it's a weird question.

Is there anything I need to know?

Do you have any advice for... for opening for SHB?



Yeah, uh, I do.

Uh, mention the band.

Warm 'em up. Do your 15 minutes.




Not what you were looking for?

Yeah, but, you know, you did the best you could. I...

Let me get you a smoothie.


We'll talk about it.

Thanks a lot.

Is this what you're gonna wear on stage?

Why? What? Is that a joke?

My mother never understood. [sniffs]

My father refused to talk to me because I wasn't a boy.

I'm more a boy than his own son.



I want so much for you and Laurie to make it.

And I want you to have a perfect, beautiful child.

Like Winston.

Dude, your son is a terror.


And we're outta here, Donna.

They called him "Devil Child" before Wes.

Donna, honey, let... let's h*t it.


No, no, no, it's... it's okay.

Thank you for that.

I need this kinda truth.

I don't get it from Christopher anymore.

And I'm so worried about Rick.

We all are.

I love you.


I want truth, Bill.

Copy that. More truth.

But that's actually how you know that your neighborhood has fully transitioned into a hipster neighborhood is when you walk into a storefront and you're really not sure what they're selling there.

You have that weird moment when you're, like, "Okay, there's a saddle. I don't know. A box of records, two old typewriters, and a macramé owl. What the f*ck is going on in here?"

How long has he been up there?


You know what? Can... can I do something?

I... you know, I'm also a musician.

I don't... I don't get to play, like...

No, just o... I just wanna play one song.

One song, man.

[cheers and applause]

You know what? Maybe I... maybe I'll just steal this guitar and we'll call it even.


There you are.

Do you believe what we just witnessed?

I... ha... have you ever seen anyone that... honest?


I suppose honesty is in the eye of the beheaded.

So, uh, I... I'm gonna be leaving pretty quickly after the show.

So if I don't see you, um, thank you, Reg.

I... I've got a ton to write about for the site.

Uh, lots of swag.

This has... this has been... everything to me.



Oh, and hey, uh, about your box set?

I do have some k*ller stuff. It's all yours.

Well, brilliant. I, um, I will find you.

What's that?

It's your laundry.

I... [exhales sharply]

Well, thank you.

Listen, uh, I was thinking about watching that movie that you mentioned, uh, Local Hero, tonight after the show because you said that you were thinking about watching it, too, and I... and I just thought that maybe... that we could watch it... together.

We've got to load out after the show.

Can't really watch a movie.

Another time then, perhaps.

Are... are you gonna be all right?

Oh, yeah.

I suppose some of these songs might be getting to me a bit.


They'll do that.

[strumming guitar]

♪ ♪

I quit.

Okay, dude, I quit you in the parking lot.

I'm the first one who said "quit," and I quit.

Perfect, you quit first. Thank you.

All right, we tried something and it didn't work out.

All right, I moved on.


D... be... because, man, you're a selfish little prick.

You know, maybe you should have listened to what John Mellencamp said about anger.

I'm 12, and I got it.

Clearly, you missed it.

Hey, Jeannie, uh, get this off in the morning, thank you.

The comedian did a k*ller 45 minutes.

Oh, my God, I know. It was excruciating.

Yeah, I mean, the band never recovered.

It's like the... Janine incident didn't help.

Christopher wept through the entire show.

Get ready for another call from Preston.

Thank you.

You know what we have to do now.

[playing guitar]

♪ ♪



That was seriously the... see you later, ladies.

That was seriously the best set I've ever had in my life.

That was amazing, man. Check this out.

Rick lent me his guitar. I'm working on some songs.

I think I'm gonna do a couple more songs tomorrow night.

What was... how long was I up there?

Like, 14 minutes?

45 minutes.

And, Marc, about tomorrow night, and I know you're a busy guy, but le... let's actually walk and talk.

Oh, okay.

I'll put...

That'll be okay there?

Yeah, that's great.

All right. So, listen, I don't know if you ever heard my Lorne Michaels interview, but I'm starting to realize that my entire podcast has been about me getting to the bottom of that rejection from "SNL," dude.

And I want to hear more about that, fascinating, by all means.

Well, listen, here's what I'm saying.

Now, I feel whole.

Like this is what I should be doing.

I should be out, you know, like, helping Rick stay sober.


And just being, like, a kick ass opener for the band for the whole tour.


For the whole tour, man.

Marc, I have to let you go.

What? Why?

I just... I k*lled in there, man.

I slayed. - Y-you were very charismatic.

All right, thanks.

Maybe... too charismatic.

Wait... I'm too charisma... you're gonna f*re me 'cause I'm too charismatic?

What does that even f*cking mean?

You're gonna f*re the doctor that's curing your cancer?

Do you not vote for the guy for president 'cause he's too smart?

I mean, what... what kind of bullshit is this?

You know, don't think of it as being fired.

It's just, you know, it... it is what it is.

It's... it's like Lorne Michaels all over again.

That's what it is.

Not at all.

And, Marc, w... we'd love to have you around, to... to stay and be Rick's sober companion.

That'd be...

f*ck Rick.

Excuse me?

f*ck you.

Well, hold on now.

I'm out.

I'm out.

You were amazing.

Thanks. Where are you headed?

Where you're headed.

I'm lost.

Not anymore.

Uh, this came for Winston, but I couldn't find him.

It's from John Mellencamp.


[computer beeping]

[John Mellencamp's "Longest Days"]

♪ ♪
♪ Seems like once upon a time ago ♪
♪ I was where I was supposed to be ♪
♪ My vision was true and my heart was too ♪
♪ There was no end to what I could dream ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I walked like a hero into the setting sun ♪

[phone ringing]

♪ Everyone called out my name ♪
♪ Death to me was just a mystery ♪

Hi, honey.

♪ I was too busy raising up Cain ♪


Yeah, no, um, uh, I'm so sorry. It's... it's been a crazy day.

♪ But nothing lasts forever ♪
♪ Your best efforts don't always pay ♪
♪ Sometimes you get sick ♪
♪ And you don't get better ♪
♪ That's when life is short ♪
♪ Even in its longest days ♪
♪ ♪
♪ So you pretend not to notice ♪
♪ That everything has changed ♪
♪ The way that you look ♪
♪ And the friends you once had ♪
♪ So you keep on acting the same ♪
♪ ♪
♪ But deep down in your soul ♪
♪ You know you you got no flame ♪
♪ And who knows then which way to go ♪
♪ Life is short even in its longest days ♪
♪ All I got here ♪
♪ Is a rear view mirror ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Reflections of where I've been ♪
♪ ♪
♪ So you tell yourself ♪
♪ I'll be back up on top some day ♪
♪ But you know there's nothing ♪
♪ Waiting up there for you anyway ♪
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