03x04 - The Visa

[bunniefuu]

I guess I've always felt too big for this country.

Know what I mean?

Like a mighty, mighty caged eagle.

Think I can put that on there?

Dad says you have to fill your own visa application out to teach you a lesson.

Well, you tell your dad from me that I don't need his help, and that his moustache makes him look like a gay man from the 1970s.

He says...

I heard, Daisy.

How long is it going to go on, this childishness?

Please remind Uncle Dan that last week emergency services had to be called out to cut me from a child's swing because of him.

Luckily the firemen were medically trained so were able to treat my monkey bites at the same time.

The one degree of separation rule is there for a reason.

Can you say it all again?

Just sit down, Daisy.

Hi, girls.

Hi, Jo!

Half ten?

New promotion for the shop.

Loyalty cards. When you buy a hammer, you get a stamp.

When you've got eight hammers, you get a free hammer.

Is anyone going to need eight hammers?

Yes, they're really bad quality.

That's my genius.

God.

Maybe Jo should give up on a shop and follow a girl out to America without even securing a job first.

Told her you're coming yet?

Thought not.

You're petrified to because that would make it real.

Oh, hello. Someone forgot his own rule and spoke to me directly.

Your inconsistency is delicious.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!

Look at your old man, girls, gobbling up his forgetful pie.

(They laugh)

You're silly.

Shut up, chimp.

Me and Mickey are having an executive meeting if you fancy.

No, I've got to do this.

Brian?

Sorry, I've got the girls all week and we're off to play squash, aren't we?

Oh, will the girls be playing squash or will they just be watching Dad again?

Good luck with your form filling.

Come on, girls.

You boys need to make up.

My aunt didn't speak to my Uncle Ted for seven years.

He was too stubborn to ask what was wrong. Turns out she was dead.

Had been all along.

Stank. Right. I'll see you later.

You'll miss me when I go to America, won't you, Shakira?

This is my normal face.

This is the face I'll have when I find out your plane's crashed.

It's the same face. Yeah.

What the f...

Hello, dear. You need a new razor.

Had to have a go at the pins and some of their hairs down there were like the mooring ropes on the Titanic.

Well, best make yourself scarce.

I'm about to drop gown and I don't think you're quite ready for this jelly.

Oh!

Why do I have to share my flat with my auntie? Am I Charlie Bucket?

Nesta and Daddy had a chat and they thought it would be nice for us to have a little privacy.

He's moving in already?

I thought you'd be pleased for me.

Oh, I'm delighted my mum's shacking up with a fun-sized Peter Sutcliffe.

You'll only have to share with Nesta for a few weeks before you've gone to America.

I like Nesta but she snores like a goblin farting down a well.

I don't want to speak out of turn but wasn't the flat originally left to Nesta?

It's none of your business, you sinister little sh*t. Daniel!

Oh, Polly, I know why he's so upset.

He thinks I want to step into his dad's shoes.

Those are my dad's shoes!

I gave them him, Daniel.

He was weeding my borders.

He's trying to get rid of me before I go to America.

You can't see it cos you're too busy dragging your arse across a carpet in front of him like a baffled labrador. It's disgusting.

Oh, now, Daniel.

I propose we do top and tail.

I sometimes forget that Bertie is dead and I can get quite...hands-on.

You listen to me, you crumpled trolls.

If I have to share my flat before I go to America, I leave this house today and I take every single thing I own with me.

What, this is it?

I'm afraid so, dear.

All I've got to show for 45 years?

A little blue chair?

Daniel, we don't want you to go.

No, no, he's won.

I hope you're happy.

Imagining you're only son spending his remaining time in this country in the back of a 1980s Honda.

Oh, dear, this is a terrible oversight.

This is still in your dad's name.

You've been driving illegally for years, I'm afraid.

It's not your car.

Fine!

Oh, Daniel, don't be silly.

You can take the car.

No, no.

I only want what's mine.

Well, if you're going to be stupid about it, that's your father's coat.

Daniel, you can have the coat!

(SIGHS) Oh, dear.

I do worry about that lad.

I mean, culturally, it just makes sense for me as a move.

I love the place.

Even when I was at primary school, my mum used to address me as Boss Hogg from Dukes Of Hazzard, which... unsurprisingly, on reflection, led to prolific bullying.

Do you have the form?

Oh, yeah, sorry. Sure I'll be fine, though.

I know you love us over there.

If I get in trouble, I'll just do the old Hugh Grant.

The old...bee-bee-bee-bee.

"I think I love you."

You love all that, don't you?

What I love is a fully completed visa application.

Yeah, I'm struggling a little bit.

I normally have a friend who helps me with the boring stuff but he's one degree of separated me.

This does not even have a home address.

Oh, I'm having a nightmare.

I've been kicked out of my house because...

My mom's banging Chucky's grandad.

Sir, it is of no interest to me your family matters, or indeed why you walk around with a little blue chair.

What I need is a completed form.

Come on, mate. Cut me some slack.

I'm safe as houses.

I haven't even had a look at a Qur'an.

Complete the damn form.

Oh, my God. This is mental. Marital status? What the hell is that?

This may as well be in Chinese.

I filled out section 8, you clown.

I don't want your help with this.

I need somewhere to stay for a couple of days.

I'm sleeping in the storage cupboard.

Micky's bags are the only available space.

(THUMP!) Ohh...

Micky! I told you, I can't have my mannequins asleep.

Now you're up, go down to Dave Tubbard's lockup.

Got some interesting new stock, apparently.

Have the sleeping bag.

I can't shift it. It's got holes at both ends.

What?

I'll stay in a hotel.

My wallet. sh*t.

Time to move on, Polly, love.

Yes, I suppose there's no point being sentimental.

They belong to your husband.

Just feels a bit odd for me.

Yes, of course.

Let's have a brew, shall we?

Good idea.

Oh! I'll put the kettle on.

Mr Davies! Oh, God, sorry.

No, I thought it was half term.

It is half term.

It's holiday drama club, sir.

So you're teaching in your spare time?

And you're all coming in?

It enhances our curriculum-based work and helps us further bond with our teachers.

Who's he?

It's me, Robin!

Why don't you go in, lads?

You're teaching in your holidays.

It's weird.

Well, maybe if you did a drama club, the head wouldn't think you were so rubbish.

Yeah. You've picked up on that, have you?

Well, he just said it. He said, 'You're taking over from Dan Davies. He's rubbish. And a d*ck.'

What? Huh?

You don't have to be here.

Well, my boys are with their dad all week, so what else am I going to do?

But I'd love to get tractored tonight if I could find a drinking partner.

Are you here tomorrow?

Yes. Why?

No reason.

I'm not trying to live here.

Calm down.

Don't forget your little blue chair.

I won't!

And that last move I did on Hank is called a crosscourt dash.

60% knees, 40% confidence.

You can talk about it in show and tell next week if you like.

Oh, God.

You can drop that look, Captain Smugwash.

I just need somewhere to stay for a couple of days.

Mum's being blinded by a sex fog and they've kicked me out.

He can have my bed.

Or mine.

Dan isn't sleeping on anyone's bed, nor indeed my new sofa until I receive a full apology.

I need a permanent address.

For the visa form you don't need my help with?

Come on, girls.

What's a tax code?

What does naturalisation mean?

(They laugh)

It's not funny, you losers.

Tell your dad to let me stay!

Cancel your gym membership while you're here.

Next time you're homeless, you might be able to afford a hotel!

Yeah.

Oh!

Well done, Lester.

(He whistles)

Oh, God.

What's this?

It's a...

It's my exercise tube.

That's not a sleeping bag?

Well, what's this?

Little blue chair.

I just use it to chill out on after I've done a workout, so...

Are trying to sleep in the gym, mate?

No!

Yeah, you are.

You're trying to sleep in the gym.

You can't sleep here.

I'm not trying to live in the gym.

Live?!

Live, sleep.

Whatever.

I'm just a member.

I'm just...

Hoo.

Ooh.

Where's your gym kit?

No-one wears gym kit any more, mate.

It is not 1990.

I'm not Monica from Friends.

I exist.

I gym.

There's no distinction.

If you're in the gym, you use the facilities at all times.

Do you understand?

Yeah!

We exercise in the gym, mate.

We don't live in the gym.

We don't live in the gym.

Yeah.

OK, you lovely people.

Let's box till midnight, yeah?!

Left, left.

Right, right.

Left, left.

Come on!

Push it!

Harder!

Come on!

Let's f*cking have it!

(They shout)

Look, go into your email and search for HMRC in your inbox and there'll be something in there with your tax code on it and you'll know it's your tax code because it will say tax code on it.

And what on earth have you done to your face?

You look like ham.

Never mind that.

Listen, I also need to know...

Hang on.

Dan, look, I'm not your PA.

I'm your...

Well...

Why do you need all this information, anyway?

I can't tell you that from inside a sleeping bag.

I want to do it properly.

Do what properly?

Dan, look, I can't be doing with these mysterious phone calls in the middle of the night.

I feel like sh*t.

Look...

I just...

I've got to go.

Dan?

Hey, I'm on a private phone call here, mate.

People are waiting to use this machine.

Tell them to get their own machines.

They're all busy.

Who are these people?

It's midnight.

Feel the burn or hit the bricks.

What's it to be?

Yeah, I'll feel the burn.

I'm burning all night.

I'll burn all f*cking night, mate.

It looks sore.

It is sore.

There's a lot of information missing here.

I sort of figured if I don't understand it, I probably don't have it.

Like a tax code.

Not applicable.

You have a tax code, sir.

And this address...

Yep?

This is your new address?

Yep, yes.

The 24-Hour Pump Zone?

Yes.

The 24-Hour Pump Zone?

Houses have names, mate.

f*cking hell, mate.

Prince William wouldn't get this, would he?

You'd teabag anyone with their own coat of arms, you lot.

Teabag?

You know.

Go back to your pump zone.

Do it again.

Mate, please don't make me go... home for another night.

(Loud, energetic music)

That's it, Alice.

Well done, love!

And you, you fat fucker!

Move it!

Hey, fella!

Maybe you shouldn't have tried to keep up with Mad Mike.

Hey!?

(He gasps)

I didn't pick it.

It just bled.

You.

Use the facilities or get out.

Please.

Zumba or street now.

(He scowls)

I was just taking five minutes to fill this form out while I was resting in betw...

Dad.

Hello.

Glad I've bumped into you, actually.

Am I a specialist occupation or a skilled worker?

First one.

Why?

Excuse us, Miss.

He has a class.

I'm using the facilities.

He thinks I'm trying to live here.

He is.

He's trying to live here.

Do you need a place to stay?

No, I'm just here to using the facilities.

You're...what?

Excuse us.

The spa counts as one of the facilities, right?

Well.

She has a point, doesn't she?

You beautiful sculpture of a man.

Come on, Dad.

Let's get that place sorted.

I am worth it.

Radio announcer: The shipping forecast issued by the Met Office at 0730...

Dad, can Uncle Dan come to stay now?

Uncle Dan owes me a formal apology, which I doubt will be forthcoming, so no.

It's fun hanging out with him and Jo.

Depends on your definition of fun.

I like it when Uncle Dan says rude words.

The prosecution rests.

Now, could you pass me the resin?

I'm going to erect the mast.

Girls...

We made him a den!

(Loud scrubbing)

They're clean, mate!

They're clean!

Do you mind?

Sorry?

Oh, no, this is my chair.

Well, you have to give up your seat for pensioners.

You're not listening.

The chair belongs to me.

It's my chair.

Give the lady the seat!

You don't understand.

It's not a bus seat.

It's my little chair.

Show a bit of respect!

(All mutter angrily)

What's wrong with his eyebrows?

I hate him!

He's got a rash!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Let's be clear.

If it's a bus seat, I have to give it up.

But it's not.

It's my little chair.

In fact, it's all I own, so with the greatest of respect, I'll be f*cked if I'm going to give up my legacy to some old lady to have a lazy cruise to the bingo.

I'll give you a bloody legacy, mate.

Hey!

(Passengers clamour angrily)

Ohhh!

(Man laughs)

Nice eyebrows!

Oh, f*ck off.

You what?

(Dan sighs)

All good?

Pft.

Ah, but...

The form.

All good?

It has a lot of writing on it.

All the pages are there.

However, it clearly indicates it must be witnessed by a person in a position of responsibility.

It isn't.

Not a problem.

Jo, it's me.

Yeah.

Listen, I need you to do me a favour.

Can you come down to the American visa place in town?

Yeah, now.

What?

Yes, there are lots of Americans here.

What are you on about?

Right.

Yes, good, hurry up.

I got your message, Mrs D.

Brian.

Have you seen Daniel?

No, I'm afraid not.

We're not really on the best of terms.

I was sure he'd be staying with you.

I've got him some pants.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

He hasn't even got a coat.

Let's go for a little drive, see if we can track him down.

Girls: Yay!

Come on.

Wow.

It is buzzing here.

Alright, Dan?

Been to a party?

What's all this sh*t?

And what's Mickey doing here?

No offence, mate.

I'm Vicki Bigg, Dan, bringing the mountain to Muhammad.

Shh!

You can't say that round here.

Just sign this for me.

Can I put retail magnet?

No.

Put shop owner, and don't mention the name of the shop.

Cheers.

Right.

Let's do a test, see if we've got any real Americans.

Nickelback!

Oh, my God.

We've hit the f*cking motherlode.

Quick.

Put the sign up!

Happy?

Happy is a bit extreme.

We're going to have to retake your passport photos.

Why?

Because you don't look like this anymore.

Please?

What do you want from me?

I've got nothing left.

I haven't even got my little blue chair anymore.

Sir, I will have to get these ratified.

That's it!

I'm finished.

I can't go now!

I'm finished!

Fine.

Fine!

Cut it out.

I'll take care of it.

Goddammit.

How in the hell did you people ever have an empire?

Have Mr Kreeler come through, please.

Yeeha, partners.

It's the American sale.

Home from home.

We've got Beefy Lee wrestling goals, cos wrestling is American.

McDonald's apple pies only just out of date, and top of the list, A number one, we've got American flags.

Pass it to them, Mickey.

(Fire blasts)

Careful, Mickey.

(Telephone rings)

Yes?

Man: There is an incident outside, sir.

What?

Turn on your CCTV.

Is this your witness?

(Jo shouts indistinctly)

Oh, f*ck!

Oh, f*ck.

(Crowds shout)

Oh, my God.

Put it out!

Put it out!

Calm down!

I didn't mean it!

It was an accident!

Daniel?

(Silence)

Woman: ♪ Oh, say can you see ♪
♪ By the dawn's early light ♪
♪ What so proudly we hailed ♪
♪ At the twilight's last gleaming? ♪
♪ Whose broad stripes and bright stars ♪
♪ Through the perilous fight ♪
♪ O'er the r... ♪

We didn't mean it.

It was an accident.

Your birth certificate must be here somewhere.

I'm surprised they still agreed to see you after all that palaver.

Brian plays squash with one of the big bosses, so he went in and smoothed it all over.

Oh, Daniel.

How ever are you going to cope in America?

I've read that one in three people get sh*t.

Not to mention the portions.

I'll be fine.

I'll be with Emma.

You have told her, haven't you?

No.

I will.

Thought it might be a nice surprise.

Tell her.

You should definitely tell her.

Modern ladies like some notice so they can trim their pampers.

Nesta's moving back into the main house for now.

I've told Daddy he'll just have to be quieter for a few weeks.

Yes, thank you, Mum.

What's this?

That's nothing to do with you.

It's got my name on it.

Oh.

Polly, I thought you got rid of that.

Adoption certificate?

Mum?

♪ You've done too much, much too young ♪
♪ And now you're married with a son ♪
♪ When you should be having fun with me ♪
♪ We don't want, we don't want We don't want no more pickni ♪
♪ Ain't he cute? No, he ain't ♪
♪ He's just another burden on the welfare state ♪
♪ You've done too much, much too young ♪
♪ You're married with a kid when you could be having fun with me ♪
♪ No gimme, no gimme No gimme no more... ♪