01x03 - Grandpa

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

Man: I'm throwing away the bones!

Woman: Oh, Howard, I was gonna make stock!

Howard: You always say you're gonna make stock and you never do!

Woman: I've made stock!

Howard: Hey, Gatsby, I see you!

(Gatsby whining)

You're gonna get it now. You are in for it, mister.

Come on. Come on.

Chase, he's at it again.

Chase: Gatsby! God bless it!

(sighs) Get down!

Howard, I am so sorry.

Get out of here, get!

Howard: Aren't you feeding this guy?

Chase: Yeah, you know, he's been acting up lately.

You know, after everything with Tracy.

I think he can tell something's happening.

Howard: Yeah, looks like you're almost packed.

When are you out of here?

Chase: End of next week.

Howard: Wow, that's soon.

Chase: Yeah. Yeah, I'm ready.

I asked them just to move it along as fast as they could.

Howard: Probably a good time for a fresh start, huh?

Chase: Yeah, I've always wanted to live in New York City.

♪ ♪

Damn it, Gatsby!

(whining)

(barks)

All right. Oh, hey, hey. Relax.

Come on, Gats, just do your business, all right?

I got to get going, let's go.

(barks)

Oh, don't worry, he's...

He's real friendly.

Yeah. Let's go, Maise.

(barking)

Man: Hey, man, your f*cking dog took our ball!

And he's sh1tting over there.

Chase: I'm sor... He's got a lot of energy.

Come here, come here!

Gats! Gats!

(yelps)

Oh!

Come on, baby. Hey, baby...

You better control your dog, m*therf*cker!

Man, I am so sorry about your dog.

♪ ♪

(sighs)

Chase: Hey, Gats!

How did you get into the biz?

Woman (Australian accent): Well, I was in a church...

An ayahuasca church in Brazil, and halfway through the ceremony I looked down and I was like, "Whoa, I'm really close to the ground, and I also have paws."

And then I was like, "sh*t, I'm a dog."

And when I got back to the city I thought, "I have to work with dogs, and I am a dog."

Chase: Uh, well, yeah.

I've never been to church in Brazil.

Um, but it sounds really spiritual, so...

Listen, I hate to run, but I am late.

Uh, if he pushes you around on the walk, just give him a smack on the behind, okay?

You know what? I think we're gonna have a great time.

Uh, bye.

(door closes)

(mockingly) Bye.

Hey, hey! Stop.

That's right. You stop right there.

Stay.

Stay.

Now keep staying.

All right, Gatsby, you come here.

Good boy.

Hi. Hi.

Here's what I want you to know about me.

I have the best m*therf*cking treats.

You want one?

Okay.

Yes.

Get in there.

Here you go.

This is gonna work out beautifully.

Let's make some walkies.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't waste your pees on that.

You wait till you see where we're going.

Hey. Come on.

Come on, Musso. Musso. Come on.

Come on. Watch it, bud.

All righty!

Look there.

We've got a new friend.

Look who it is, this is Gatsby.

Gatsby, this is Musso and Frank.

Yeah, their butts smell really nice.

Get on in there. All right.

Let's go.

Yes, please.

Move it out. Move it out. Move it out.

Off we go. Off we go.

Come on. Off we go.

Nice and easy. Come on, now.

Yeah, that's it. That's it.

Oh, this is so glorious.

Nice walking.

Off we go. Off we go. Off we go.

Aah! How you feeling?

We're about to run up on some prime squirrel territory.

You just take it nice and easy. Super chill.

Oh, hold up. I want some liquids.

Hold up. Hold up.

♪ ♪
♪ In the park of lovers ♪
♪ She walks like no other ♪
♪ When I stop ♪
♪ She picks up after me ♪
♪ In the cold weather ♪
♪ She puts on a sweater ♪
♪ Longing that ♪
♪ Till next Monday comes ♪
♪ ♪

Come on, friends. Off we go.

Off we go. Off we go.

Mama's got to get some cigarettes before she goes to her other job.

The soul-crushing one.

I think that Musso is sometimes jealous of Frank 'cause Frank is so outgoing, right?

But introverts are introverts, and you just got to own it.

Sit. Oh, what a good boy!

You want a treat? I'll give you a treat.

There you go, you beautiful thing.

Yes, delicious.

Yeah, you'd do anything for a snack, wouldn't you?

You're such a good boy.

So we had a really good first day together.

Great poops today, huh?

You're amazing.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

You are better than most people, really.

All right. I'll see you tomorrow, Gatsby.

Chase: Gats!

(TV sportscast playing indistinctly)

Hey, Gats, come here, buddy!

Hey, man, you want some chicken?

Suit yourself, dummy.

(woman murmurs)

(keys jingle)

(door opens)

Look who it is!

Yes!

Oh, I missed you.

I missed you, you beautiful thing.

Oh. Oh, honey.

Oh, you're a peester, meester.

Aw, that's okay. We can clean that up.

No need to be ashamed.

I know she's my mom, and like, she wants a return on the investment for raising me, but a 15-hour time difference makes conversation really difficult, you know, 'cause you're in these...

Beth?

...different transitional periods of the day. - Is your name Beth?

Hey. I don't know if you remember me. - Hi.

Um, I'm Ian's sister, Phaedra.

Oh!

We had Thanksgiving three years ago.

Yes, yes. Hi!

Yes. Yeah.

Good to see you.

Oh, yeah.

(barks)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Oh!

You don't do that!

Sit down. Sit down, baby.

Yeah.

So...

I just wanted to say thank you so much for speaking up, but if I need your help, I'll let you know.

Okay?

Who's a stud?

You are, you big boy.

All right, you have fun tonight.

Be good.

See you Monday, bud.

♪ ♪

Chase: All right. All right, yeah.

Let's do this. You wanna go for a walk?

All right, man.

What a week, Gats.

♪ In my loner hour ♪

(TV playing indistinctly)

♪ I turn to my twin bed ♪
♪ For power ♪

(TV continuing)

(whining)

♪ And like a swimming pool ♪

Now you wanna go on a walk?

You're a wack-a-doodle.

Come on.

♪ It gets me wet and cool ♪

Hey, I thought we were going for a walk?

What's going on with you? Come on.

Come on, man, it's cold outside. Just do it.

(barking)

All right, All right, All right, come on.

Chase: No kidding.

Oh, that's a really good retirement gift.

Ah, jeeze, I wish I could have been there.

Oh, yeah. Everything's good.

You know, the new place is nice.

It's newly remodeled.

I... just to be honest with you, I don't have time to do anything but work.

Sure, yeah.

Um, I... I miss you, Tracy.

♪ So in my stoner hour ♪
♪ Oh, how I float ♪
♪ Just wondering about her ♪

(sniffles)

(crying)

(TV playing indistinctly)

(crying continuing)

(whimpers)

(Gatsby whines)

(Chase sobbing)

(whines)

Aww...

(sniffling)

(keys jangle)

♪ ♪

(door opens, closes)

♪ Colder than the coast ♪
♪ And I... ♪

Beth: Yoo-hoo!

♪ To tend to the rows ♪
♪ I close the windows and doors ♪

Beth: What are these bubbles?

What is that, dude?

♪ You shape me like clay ♪
♪ I tumble right to you ♪

Wow!

Beautiful!

Come on, guys.

Holy sh*t.

This is pretty... pretty f*cking cool, guys.

Just wait.

Did he see the part where he gets...

Shh!

Just wait.

Who's that?

Oh!

Oh, sh*t...

Oh!

Oh...

No, no, no...

That's horrible, man.

Totally insane, right?

Really horrible. Why would anyone want to see that, man?

We see it as having an application towards empathy training for prisoners, you know, to help them relate to their victims.

Yeah, well, it's pretty intense.

Just wait. We're doing a simulation of what it would be like in that Chilean mine accident from 2010.

Epic.

Yeah.

All right. Well, I won't ask if you guys are making a p*rn.

Oh, we already made the p*rn.

I'm in it.

All right, well... you guys are following your passion. That's good.

Thanks, man. We like to call ourselves "the Inventors of the New Self."

Amen.

Cool.

I'm gonna go.

Have fun tonight.

Yo. Don't tell anyone what's going on down here.

Hey, Beth. Hold on. I won't.

See you.

Hey, girl.

Beth: Hey, dude, how you doing?

Yeah, man, I just took a look at the future.

It's pretty f*cking terrifying.

If you are feeling sad about the future, I can make you feel happy about the present because I just met the most amazing bubble man, and he told me about this crazy bubble show that is going down in Astoria Park at 4:30...

Astoria?

...and I think...

Yes, Astoria.

What, you find the Pulaski Bridge a little too strenuous?

I think you can handle it.

The Guy: No, it's not that, really.

Listen.

Why don't you just jump on your bike, come to Queens, we'll smoke, and then we'll watch the show together, huh?

Don't pretend you don't love Queens.

The Guy: Eh, it's not my preferred borough.

Very boring to sh*t on Queens.

♪ ♪

(knock on the door)

Who's here?

Who's here? Who is it?

Let's check.

Okay, sit. Sit.

And stay. Good boy.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Welcome to Queens!

You could be Dorothy Michaels from "Tootsie" with those glasses.

Huh. I was going for sexy grandma, but I'll take what I can get.

Tootsie is like, the best Dustin Hoffman film, man.

Like, that's a compliment.

Hmm. Yeah... Oh.

(barks)

Oh, whoa.

Hey...

He's just saying hello. He's super friendly.

Aren't you? This is Gatsby.

Hey, Gatsby. Sorry about that.

What about the other doggies, they good?

Oh, the doggies were so good.

But you know what was better than the doggies?

The bubble man.

Bubble man.

All right. But before we do bubs, where do you want to do this?

In there.

You sure?

Oh, yeah.

All right. Sounds good.

In case you didn't notice, it smells like sh*t in here.

I did notice.

It's like, do your dishes, man. Just do 'em.

Or at least put them in the fridge until you're ready to do them.

I mean, that's what I do.

Yeah, that's also an option.

Mm-hmm.

So you got me on the clock for bubs.

It better be good, man.

Oh, sh*t. That's a lot of expectation.

I don't want to build him up too much.

It's kind of more of a conceptual thing.

It's like, here's this guy, and he's just invented this job where he just goes out makes bubbles, makes people happy.

That's pretty cool, I guess.

And so I was thinking, maybe I should learn to do some bubs?

Yeah, bartender, uh, mushrooms, dog-walking, bubs.

Yes, please.

Oh, my... You got a, uh...

Oh, sh*t.

(barking)

Oh, damn, man.

Dude. Oh!

Hold this, hold this.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know what's got into you.

(in Australian accent) That dingo better not eat no baby.

That's not even funny. That's, like, a real thing.

I didn't see the movie. I just know the quote.

It's people's lives. It's not a movie.

Okay, I'm gonna put this maniac in the bedroom.

Do you want me to cr*ck these beers now or at the park?

You do what feels right, stud.

Well...

(can pops)

(door closes)

Oh, I knew it!

Judas Priest!

Are you kidding me!

What, are you throwing a party while I'm gone?

I...

(cans clatter)

I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, but what you did was just totally unprofessional.

Absolutely.

I feel like I... I used some really bad judgment.

Chase: Yeah.

If you change your mind, ever, you have a beautiful dog, and I...

Yeah, thanks.

Really, I just... I think we're good here.

I'm sorry I let you down.

All right. I'll, uh... I'll let them know that you've turned in the keys.

(Gatsby whines)

I hate to do this, Gats, but you forced my hand.

I don't have any other choice.

Hey, I'll be back soon, dude.

Hey, buddy.

Wanna go for a walk? Huh?

Come on, let's go.

No? All right. Suit yourself, man.

Come on, Gats. Let's go outside.

Come on.

Really?

You're coming outside. Let's go. Come on.

Hey, you got to take a leak sometime, man.

Come on. You're not leaking in the house.

Let's go.

What's going on with you, man?

You can take the boy out of Indiana, but it's tough to get there.

(woman laughs)

Oh, he's...

But, uh, yeah. Then, you know, the premium's low, and it's got vision, dental, medical...

That sounds good.

...everything, you know.

♪ ♪

Gatsby!

Gatsby, come back!

Gatsby!

♪ ♪

Ah, yeah. Good looking out, Gramps.

Oh, jackpot.

Chubby buddy, yeah.

Easy.

Easy.

Hey, thought I'd cut out the middle man.

There you go.

All right.

Thanks, man.

Who's this guy? Hey.

Oh, this is Grandpa.

Hey, Grandpa.

I named him after my Grandpa.

He looks like a grandpa.

There was a sh*t on the seat and I couldn't go.

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

I still really, really need to pee.

Okay, okay. Let's find you a bathroom.

Have a fun day, guys.

Enjoy.

Yeah, thanks.

See ya, Grandpa.

Why didn't you just... squat? Hover?

I can't hover over the sh*t. I would get sh*t on me.

My legs are very small and I would've got sh*t on my thighs.

Another person's sh*t on my thighs.

Hey, Gramps!

Hey, Gramps, where you going?

Yeah.

Sit.

♪ Dream, baby, dream ♪
♪ Dream, baby, dream ♪
♪ Dream, baby, dream ♪
♪ Dream, baby, dream ♪
♪ Forever ♪