I ate the *** biscuit but there's still chicken in here that you can eat.
And then you can eat "this" biscuit.
I'm not really hungry.
Oh, baby, you wanna skip dinner?
All right, what's wrong?
I just... we should talk.
I'm seeing someone... like... a girl.
So, I know we had a thing, but the thing I had with her is so much bigger than the thing that I have with you, so, now I can't really be in the thing with you, and we can't pursue that thing, you know what I'm saying?
So... so, you have... you have a girlfriend?
Ach, you know, I really don't wanna put a label on it just yet.
But it's definitely a thing.
Okay, so... who's the lucky girl?
I don't know her last name yet.
But it starts with a "K," she designs jewelry, roasts her own beans, she bikes... a lot... and it shows.
Oooh, well... [laughing]
Lucky Jenny K.
I'd like to say goodbye.
Not to you... to him.
I can't. I just... I... I can't.
Okay, fine, fine. I should go.
Is any of my stuff here?
You brought some OJ, but you didn't label it, so, it's kind of for everybody.
Drink it with Jenny K.
That's really awesome of you.
Buh! Buh! Buh! Buh! Buh! [laughing]
Can I keep the chicken?
Oh, we both know there was never any chicken in that box.
Yep, I ate all of it... bones and everything.
♪ La la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la lay ♪
♪ La la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la lay ♪
Did you sleep at all last night?
No. Every ethnicity starts with a "K."
I've narrowed her down to Jewish, Korean, Armenian or just like regular-ass White.
Okay, know what? We're done.
No, you need to stop looking for this woman, okay, and you're starting to act crazy.
I just wanna figure out if she's prettier than me, or thinner, or smarter, or has bigger tits.
I've never met this woman, but you and I both know she has you b*at in all of those categories.
Oh! Why are you being so mean?
Because no matter who this bitch is, you're gonna think she's better than you.
I'm helping you come to grips with that.
Those words sound so good in your mouth.
Okay, no, back to me. What am I gonna do?
You're gonna cry it out, and then you're gonna get over it a little bit, and then you're gonna cry it out again, and get over it a little bit more.
There's plenty of dicks out there, Nicole.
No, not like "Chico."
Of course, Derrick named his d*ck.
No, I named his d*ck.
I don't know why I went Latin.
It seemed appropriate.
He just like pulled down his pants and I was like, ooh, that's a fiesta.
Right, I've gotta go scrub my apartment before my mom gets here.
I love Sandy.
She used to let us watch those R-rated lady lawyer movies, you know, the ones where like the boobs are all out.
Ooh, very fun.
No, not fun.
After you left, she would always just quiz me on the legal inaccuracies.
Oh, come on, she's gotten better.
No, she hasn't.
It's just a non-stop stream of judgment about me not being a lawyer.
So, Sandy just criticizes you for all your poor life decisions?
I love her. Yeah.
This is what the disciples must have felt like when they heard about Jesus.
Mom, can you just relax? I can do that.
No, honey, I don't mind.
I can't really relax in a filthy, dirty house.
But it's just nice to be here with you.
How about some wine?
Is there any left?
I saw six bottles in the recycling bin.
It's cheaper when you buy it by the case.
I would be happy to buy you some quality wine.
It's still quality wine. It's just made in Sacramento.
Is that in Napa?
Close to Napa.
You know what they say... close is a cop-out.
Who says that? Reruns of "Cagney and Lacey"?
Oh, that was a show.
[knock on door]
Hi, hi, hi.
Veronica: What are you doing here?
Devin: Do you have a crock pot?
Sandy: Oh, I got her one for Christmas last year.
I'm Veronica's mother, Sandy Lindstrom.
Hi, I'm Devin. So nice to meet you.
I've heard so much about you.
I love that chunky necklace.
Do you love slow cooking?
Yeah, I've got a Cathy Mitchell dump meal book. Oh, I'm so excited.
And I bought it un-ironically.
Well, from the looks of this pot, I don't think my Veronica does much cooking.
I know what you can make.
Sandy & Devin: [laughing]
I can also make spaghetti.
Would you like some wine, Devin?
Yes, let's sit.
One for me, too, Ronnie.
That'll be two glasses of wine, "Ronnie."
Can I get an extra-heavy pour, please?
Ah, I gotcha, Jenny K, ya bitch.
Mmmm, getting coffee from a truck.
Ah, too good for restaurants, ya big-tittied skanky bitch.
They're so round. How?
April Calibretta, Middle Town High School South, from Jersey?
Oh, my God! How are you?
I haven't seen you in, what, like six years?
April: Yeah. Oh, man, so how are you?
Are you still acting?
Yep, still acting.
You were the most talented person in our class.
Oh, and so funny, too.
So, tell me about all the cool things you're in.
Well, I... uh, I was in a commercial, and I was a featured extra in an episode of "CSI."
I'm such a fan of "CSI." Who were you?
I was a carnival-goer that gathered around to look at a d*ad body.
Listen, it takes time to get, you know, like the bigger parts.
Sure. Sure. Yeah. How long have you been at it?
Uh, on and off for like two years.
Two years? Gosh, I would never have the patience for that.
Well, it's not for everyone. You've gotta have grit.
Oh, yeah, I guess so.
I mean, I've been at the insurance company for two years and I went from receptionist to account manager.
I mean, I'm sure insurance is different than acting.
Yeah, yeah, guess it is.
What were you doing in that bush?
I'm stalking this bitch, Jenny K, who is now dating my ex-non-boyfriend who broke up with me, but didn't really break up with me because we weren't in a relationship to begin with.
God, you are just as funny as I remember... maybe more.
So good to see you again.
Oh, I'm gonna tell everybody that I ran into the soon-to-be famous Nicole Byer.
You don't have to.
Oh, hi, Avi. You look pretty today.
Ooh, is that a Zen garden? I need some Zen.
Can you hand that to me?
I hate my hair today. Don't look.
So, what brings you in?
Oh, I just need a really big acting job.
Like I've told you a million times... a career in acting is a marathon, not a sprint.
Ugh. I don't like either of those things.
You're antsy. Let me see if I can find you something with a little more meat.
Oh, thank you.
Now what is that?
Nicole: It's for you.
It is... gorgeous.
I just can't stop thinking about what your life would be like if you hadn't done so poorly on the LSATs.
Yeah, me, too, Mom.
What are the LSATs?
An SAT for law school.
It's no surprise Veronica did poorly.
She's not very analytical.
She's good at other things.
Oh, our car is here.
Like calling car services.
Well, this has been great, but we've gotta get to the artwalk.
Devin looks like an art lover.
Yes. Indeed, I am.
You should join us.
There's a Jeff Klibas lithograph show.
Oh, my God, Klibas?
That's a once in a lifetime show.
I guess my dump recipe will have to wait.
You know what, Mom?
Can you tell the car to wait for one sec.
I just need to talk to Devin.
I'll be inside the car.
This neighborhood still feels very iffy to me.
We have a Whole Foods.
What the hell are you doing?
I'm watching a master at work, okay, the way she gets under your skin, and the way she picks at you.
She's an artist.
She's like Klebas... in one of his linographs.
It's Klibas, it's lithographs, and I knew that you had no idea who he was.
Okay, so, I don't know, but can we go, because I'm missing the show... and by show, I mean, you and your mother.
[cell phone music]
Can you sing?
I think I found you a part in a musical.
Of course, I can sing. I'm big and Black.
[laughs] Only you can say that.
Why didn't you mention it to me earlier?
I would've put you up for so many other roles.
I guess my singing is just like so good, I like to keep it a secret.
So, what's the part?
It's a decent-sized role in a musical adaptation of "Dawson's Creek," and the audition's in Santa Monica in an hour and a half.
Don't be late.
Oh, Santa Monica!
That's like 15 minutes away! I am leaving now!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohhhh!
Crackhead Kenneth, what are you doing to my car?
Nicole. I'm the Candy Man.
[sighs] Those are balloons.
There you go.
Girl, you get yourself a dog?
No. Oh, damn. Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!
Oh! Mr. Barbooey, can you take me to my audition, please?
Get in, beautiful Nicole. Hurry. I will get you there.
What are you singing?
See for yourself.
Ooh, "Burn" from "Hamilton"?
I didn't know the sheet music was out yet.
What about you?
Oh, "Defying Gravity" from "Wicked."
Oldie but a goodie.
What about you?
Mmmmm, excuse me?
What are you singing?
Oh, well... [laughs]
Uh, lots of good stuff in here.
I'll probably decide when I get in there.
I like to surprise myself.
You can taste the difference between this and your wine, right?
No, not at all.
In fact, I actually think this tastes way junkier than mine.
Now you're just acting silly 'cause your friend is here.
You know, there's really a breathtaking nose on this vintage. [inhaling]
So, Mom, I'm up for a performance review at my job, and I think I'm in line for a promotion.
Oh, I didn't know that.
That's wonderful, sweetie, just...
Yeah, what is it, Sandy?
Oh, God, I just can't keep pretending to be okay with your life.
Here we go.
You are throwing your life away. You would make such a great lawyer.
No, I wouldn't.
The only reason why you got a bad LSAT score is that you got stressed out.
No, Mom, I got a bad score because I wrote a bad test, and I don't know how many times I have to tell you this...
I never wanted to be a lawyer.
No, you wanted to be an actress.
Well, how well did that work out?
Well, it moved me 3,000 miles away from you, so, I feel like it worked out pretty great.
Feel good about yourself?
Ladies, we are starting. First up is Nicole Byer?
That's me. I'ma k*ll it.
Break a leg.
Hm, no resume. Keeping us in the dark.
Well, you're already an exciting little mystery.
A real "m*rder She Wrote."
Or a real "Sherlock Holmes." No one?
Please hand Mr. Martin your sheet music.
Um, I didn't bring sheet music.
Do you know what you're auditioning for?
And what does a musical have in it?
So, why wouldn't you bring music to a musical audition, you little dumpster bitch?
Mr. Martin! Blood sugar.
Um, I'll just go.
Oh, no, I wanna hear her sing.
What do you wanna sing, sweetheart?
Uh, "Rockin' Robin."
Oh, what a bummer. I don't think I know that one.
Okay, so, I could just go.
[piano "Rockin' Robin"]
It's in the key of "C." I hope that's okay.
Wait for it to come back around.
[singing off-key] ♪ He rocks in the treetops ♪
♪ All day long ♪
♪ Hoppin' and a-boppin' and singin' his song ♪
♪ All the little birdies down on Jaybird Street ♪
♪ Love to hear the robin go tweet tweet tweet ♪
♪ Rockin' robin, oh, tweet tweet ♪
♪ Rockin' robin ♪
♪ Blow rockin' robin ♪
♪ 'Cause you're really gonna rock tonight ♪
Hey. Well, that was... something.
You're the meanest man I've ever met.
It's okay. Everybody has bad auditions.
Do you wanna draw a d*ck in the sand garden?
I just tilled it.
You've gotta hold your head up, go out there, and keep on trying.
For how long?
I've spent the last two years on and off, I mean, get real, mostly off, with auditions I don't get, getting rejected from parts I don't want.
When does it end?
Hard to say.
I had garlic at lunch. Do I stink?
I'm gonna make it.
I mean, all of your clients eventually make it, right?
Yes, although "make it" is a subjective term.
We all define success in different ways.
So, I could be doing this for another ten years and nothing's gonna happen?
No, ten years from now, I will be sending you out for "Mom" roles... and good news... most actors have given up by then.
I don't wanna play a "Mom". I don't.
You can't play 25 forever.
I'm gonna go.
Keep your head up, kiddo.
Oh, it's a little sad guy.
Hm, you guys always make me feel better.
I've been wearing these babies since freshman year of high school.
They're my favorites, forever.
I'm glad you have an emotional connection with shoes.
That'll be $45.
No way. What? No.
They're always 35 bucks.
Must have increased the price, so, that'll be $45.
Well, I only have $37. Can you just like cut me a deal?
I don't set the prices.
Come on, man, I'd do the same for you.
Can I help you with anything else?
No, no one can help me. I need these shoes.
They're all that I have.
My ex-boyfriend, non-boyfriend, is dating the perfect woman, I can't get an acting job, and no one's ever gonna hire me as an actress.
Please! Why won't you just give me these shoes?
I need them. [sobbing]
Are you okay?
♪ Don't save me ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ah ♪♪
I got you another one.
You were right. This is good wine.
This is pretty cool, right?
It's a true disappointment.
I really like Klibas' earlier works.
I'm sorry about what I said before.
It's okay. Oh, honey, it's my fault, really.
Do you know why I wanted you to be a lawyer so badly?
Because that's what every parent wants for a kid who's bad at math?
No, it had always been my dream to be a lawyer.
Life got in the way.
When you got pregnant with me.
No! I got super drunk my senior year and got kicked out of college.
What did you do?
I honestly can't remember.
But I met your dad a year later, and I'm just sorry I put so much pressure on you.
It was just hard to not live up to what you wanted.
Are you crying?
No. I'm trying, though.
Yeah, me, too. Why isn't it happening?
We Lindstroms are terrible criers.
Curse this Swedish blood.
Maybe, uh, maybe if I just stare into the sun.
Yeah, try that.
No, that's not happening. How about a hug?
I'm not happy living so far from you.
I do actually miss you.
Does that mean you're gonna move back to New Jersey?
Oh, my God, no, no. Never. Never.
But that's because of Jersey, not you.
Your resume is fascinating.
That's just one big paragraph.
So, why do you want to work at Fat Girls?
Well, I am a hard work... [sighs]
Can I just be honest with you, Mr. Rathmore?
Please and call me Donny.
Okay, well, Donny, I'm just looking for a job until I can figure out what I'm gonna do next.
Right, because the last job... wow.
It says here you got nine jobs.
Yeah, I was trying to make it as an actress.
Of course, you're an actress.
Look at you.
Oh, your style. It's impeccable.
Well, apparently, it takes more than great personal style to make it as an actress.
Aw, but are you sure you're done?
Because I would just hate it if you quit after two weeks, because you got an audition to play a spicy judge.
No, no, no, that won't happen.
Well, I think I've seen all I need to see.
Welcome to Fat Girls.
Oh, I forgot to mention this is a full-time job.
Is that okay?
When do I start?
Let's go get you fitted for an outfit.
I get an outfit?
You get an outfit.
Honestly, it's the best visit she's ever had.
Well, you're welcome.
You've been nothing but horrible to me.
No, I created the situation that allowed you to heal.
I can't wait to see what kind of situations you and I get into at Thanksgiving.
You didn't hear?
Sandy invited me and I said yes.
It was a hard yes.
You know, you and your father have a lot to work on.
Hey, how was your audition?
Bad. Very bad. Worst audition of my life.
You don't seem upset.
It truly doesn't matter. I quit acting.
[sighing] Excuse me?
Just like that? You're just done?
Yes, it was time.
I can't waste my life chasing a dream that's not gonna happen.
Guys, I'm okay.
Are you serious?
I can't with you right now. [gulps drink]
Are you sure about this?
You've wanted to be an actress since we were kids.
I think it's the best decision I have ever made.
You know, women come in here and they say they wear a smaller size than our brand.
But I'll let you in on a little secret.
We make our jeans just a little bit bigger.
Oh, why would you do that?
Ah, to make 'em feel good about themselves, and when you fold them like that, look how small they get.
"Look how little my butt is."
Oh, yeah, it's a teeny butt.
Wow, nice job on the jeans.
I'm so glad you're here.
If there's ever anything you need, you let Donny know.
Okay. Hey, Marcy, shall we go back and reprice the cardigans for the semi-annual sale?
[sighing] Oh, God...
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01x08 - Quitting
Episode transcripts for the TV show "Loosely Exactly Nicole". Aired: August 1, 2016 to February 2018.
"Loosely Exactly Nicole" is the vaguely autobiographical tale of Nicole, a foul-mouthed and impulsive aspiring actress on the margins of showbiz.
1 post • Page 1 of 1
1 post • Page 1 of 1