04x07 - Election Special

[bunniefuu]

Good evening.

I'm Derek Waters, and I'm here in D.C. to talk to you tonight about what just happened.

Now, I very rarely ever get political, but tonight I felt the need to let you know what I think we need to change as a country.

And truly the fist thing that's important to me is...

(Whispering indistinctly)

Are you serious?

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I'm just finding this out now.

Both: Live from Daytona Beach, it's the "Drunk History" election special!

Yeah!

(Patriotic music)

Oh, yeah!

USA!

Both: USA! USA!

Whoo!

I love this country, baby!

(Yells)

♪♪

(Upbeat electronic music)

♪♪

Hello, and welcome back to the "Drunk Histroy" election special.

Mm.

Cheers.

Thank you.

Here with Steve Berg.

Yes. Thank you for having me, Derek.

Thank you, Steven.

So here we have two turtles.

One Hillary, one Donald.

There's a presidential race going on.

We're in the racing spirit.

Let's race.

Right now it looks like Donald's, like...

I mean, it looks like he's running.

He might be leaving the race.

It looks like the race might be rigged.

As this race continues, we want you to watch the first story of tonight.

And I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but back in the old days, elections were crazy.

Like, people would name-call each other and be very rude.

What do you mean? I thought they were very civil back then.

Sure, I wish that was true, but it's not, not like today.

Enjoy.

Hello.

Today we're gonna talk to you about the election of 1800.

(Slurps, laughs)

Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, they were Founding Fathers of America, and they were also the best of friends.

Adams was like, the Constitution... you can kind of bend that how you need to bend it.

We can kind of work with this, and Jefferson was always like, Constitution is the Constitution.

You can't [bleep] with that.

But they loved each other until Adams became president, and immediately they started butting heads.

John Adams was like, it's illegal to talk any [bleep]

about the president of the United States, and if you disagree with the federal government, [bleep] you.

And Jefferson was like, well, this is tyranny.

That's a violation of a little something called freedom of speech.

It all really reaches its head on the election of 1800, where these two lifelong friends were pitted against each other.

Adams is like, if you elect Thomas Jefferson, here's what you're gonna get.

m*rder all the time.

Incest, your wives will lose their virtue having sex with a lot of dudes Willy-nilly.

So Jefferson starts talking a lot of [bleep] about John Adams.

We're talking about guys who, like, created this country.

They were really like a bunch of eighth graders.

He was like, you know what?

Adams has prostitutes shipped in from overseas that he bangs all the time.

I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna tell you that right now.

I'm... I feel like I keep seeing spit flying from my mouth.

No, I'm feeling it.

Am I spitting a lot?

Yeah, I'm glad you're seeing it, yeah.

That's good.

I'm in the splash zone.

So Jefferson went to the newspapers.

He says, I want to tell you this.

John Adams is a hermaphrodite.

He's got both man and woman sex organs.

This is, like, a published statement from Thomas Jefferson.

Adams was like, okay, fine.

You want to go that route?

That's when [bleep] got really dirty.

Adams says, oh, by the way, if you were thinking about voting for Jefferson, you shouldn't because he's dead.

That's a pretty good campaign.

It's a very good campaign.

Vote for me. I'm alive.

Yeah. Even if you disagree with everything I say, at the very least, I'm alive.

Would you rather be accused of having a penis and a vag*na or being dead?

I think being alive with a penis and a vag*na would be an amazing experience.

And you're alive.

(Laughs)

Jefferson calls upon a hatchet man, James Callender, to publish newspaper articles about Adams.

Adams...

What was I gonna say here?

Oh, yeah, and he was gonna go to w*r with the French.

That's what was published in the newspapers.

And it's a lie. It's not true at all.

America was like, I don't want to go to w*r with the French.

That sounds terrible.

And they elect Jefferson into office.

Jefferson wins.

Adams is like, you want to go with this loser, fine.

But before I leave, I'm going to appoint all of these people who violently oppose everything Jefferson stands for, and then he's like, I hope you like all these assholes.

So cut to four years down the line, and Jefferson's daughter dies, and Abigail Adams is like, look, I know we've had our differences with Jefferson, but I should pop him off a letter.

She's like, look, I'm really, really sorry about your daughter, and it sucks that she is dead.

Jefferson gets this letter, and he's like, I-I want to thank you so much for being so considerate about the death of my daughter.

But while I've got your attention, I also want to tell you, [bleep] you, and [bleep] your husband for being such a assh*le who [bleep] up my presidency.

She's like, John, you know what?

We're done with Thomas Jefferson.

He's an assh*le.

I tried to make it work with this guy, but... but [bleep] him.

So these two don't speak for a decade.

Eventually, Benjamin Rush, who was another Founding Father, was like, look, John Adams.

Johnny, I love you two guys.

Why aren't you speaking anymore?

Why can't we all be friends like we used to back in those glory days, those 1776 days that were so magical?

And John Adams was like, look, I love Tommy Jeffs.

I'm a big fan.

I'll pop him off a letter.

It's very general.

It's like, hey, how you doing?

I... you know, I miss you.

I hope you're all right.

How's things going?

Jefferson gets the letter.

He's like, Adams, Johnny Ads.

Good to hear from you, buddy.

It's been ten years. How's life?

And then the letters start flowing, and before you know it, they start to connect on certain things.

They start to connect on, I'm a little concerned about sl*very.

Thomas Jefferson was like, I'm anti-sl*very, but I do have hundreds of slaves.

(Laughs)

Uh... uh... what am I talking about?

(Laughs)

Keep going. You got it.

It's weird how quickly alcohol makes you not realize what you said at all.

(Laughs)

So by the end of their life, these two have exchanged 158 letters, and they're best friends again.

Then it's 1826.

John Adams is on his deathbed, and his last words are, "Independence forever," and also, "Thomas Jefferson survives" because that guy's [bleep] awesome.

Little did he know that just a few hours prior, miles and miles away, Thomas Jefferson had also d*ed.

That day was July 4th, the 50th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, which is crazy.

That's true friendship.

True friendship.

Cheers.

To friendship.

You're my best friend.

We barely know each other, Derek.

No, we're best friends.

(Upbeat electronic music)

Do you remember Abraham Lincoln?

He's on the $5.

Yeah.

Did you know he was a lawyer?

Nope.

Did you know he was a nerd?

A never-ending rad dude?

Yeah. In a way.

I did not know that. I did not know that.

Well, neither did me.

And let's see the story we did about Abraham Lincoln as the Lincoln lawyer.

Should we look up there? 'Cause that... like, that...

Is that where the TV is?

I think the TV would be right there.

Okay. Mm.

(Laughs) That's funny.

He looks hammered.

♪♪

Hello, I'm Rich Fulcher, and today I'm gonna introduce Abraham Lincoln, the lawyer.

You know, this device called the reaper, in the 19th century, people were like...

(Guttural noises)

And then McCormick invented a a*t*matic reaper.

People were like, this is crazy.

I can't believe this.

John Manny said, I invented the a*t*matic reaper, and then that meant there was a big luso... lu... lawsuit.

I invented the reaper, you mother[bleep].

I invented the reaper, you mother[bleep].

And Manny got some Philadelphia lawyers called Harding and Stanton and Watson and some other people.

These guys are like, we've got to, um, do this with a local guy.

But they didn't know anybody, and so they hired this guy.

Lincoln was this lawyer, man.

He was, like, a lawyer.

Lincoln answered the door.

Stanton went, he's, like, some sort of nerd.

Lincoln's, like, a nerd.

And, I mean, it's not even, like, a funny sitcom or anything.

And then this guy, Watson, looks at him and says, oh, [bleep], he doesn't even have, like, a Watson, or... he doesn't have a Wat... a Watson?

He doesn't have a... vest.

Whoa, what's that all about?

What are you doing?

Lincoln was, like, viewed as persona non Grata.

The case changed to Cincinnati.

Stanton and Harding go, mm-hmm, we don't need Lincoln anymore.

But Lincoln didn't even know about any of this [bleep].

But he would just keep researching and researching.

Oh, yeah, bup-bup-bup-bup.

I've been just going along with my own fun.

And he would write. He would be like, am I involved in this case or what?

Finally, he found out that the case had been moved to Cincinnati, and he was like, [bleep]!

I've gotta go to Cincinnati!

So he went.

Lincoln went up to the hotel where all the lawyers were, and Stanton saw Lincoln coming here... coming up.

Oh, my God, this guy is a lanky, gawky, awkward, ape-legged, ape-l... armed man.

This guy is weird. This guy is like an ape.

He's got ape arms.

He's got, like, ape, awkward arms.

This guy is, like, an ape, awkward guy.

This guy is an ape!

Awk... awkt... "awksward"!

He's like an ape-man.

This guy is like an ape, awkward man.

Lincoln stayed for the whole case.

They'd just go on without even acknowledging Lincoln.

The legal arguments that were made and the structure... oh, my God. This is the way to do it.

Like, oh, [bleep].

It was just, like, a myriad of wonderment.

I'm... um... um... hum, hum, humma, hum, hum, humma.

Humma... Lincoln!

(Laughs)

Manny won.

And everything was great.

So Lincoln goes back to Chicago, like, I know what I need to do now.

I'm gonna study my ass off and get things going.

I'm gonna get my [bleep] in gear or I'm gonna be Mr. [bleep] House.

And five years later, he becomes... the president.

Here's the thing... because Stanton was part of the firm that said, we're, like, not into you,

Lincoln said, I'm gonna get Edwin Stanton to become Secretary of w*r.

(Patriotic music)

How cool is that?

When Lincoln dies, he says, "Now he belongs to the ages."

And Lincoln goes, [bleep], that's great.

What's the biggest lesson to learn in this story?

My... balls are big.

(Upbeat electronic music)

♪♪

He's alive.

Hey, welcome back. I'm Steve Berg.

This is my boy, Derek. Say hi, Derek.

Oh, hey. Hi.

Derek was just telling me that a woman has run the country before.

Yes.

I did not know that.

Oh.

Well, that's what "Drunk History" is here for.

(Jet whirring, water bubbling)

Excuse me.

I, uh...

How do I turn this off?

Hello.

(Laughs)

Today we're gonna talk about Edith Wilson, the first female president of the United States.

(Drumroll)

Woodrow Wilson was the president of... of America.

The United States of America.

Edith [bleep] Wilson was the g*dd*mn president's wife.

So, Woodrow Wilson, he had 18 months left in office, and he has a [bleep] stroke.

His doctor was like, uh, Woodrow Wilson has had a stroke, a big stroke.

Like, we can't move, y'all, stroke.

So what you gon' do?

And Edith was like, well, who I love is this man.

For who he is, and who he is is a guy who wants to be president for some [bleep] reason.

So if I don't... just ignore that.

If I don't... just ignore that.

If I don't help him be president, what a kind of wife am I?

The doctor's like, uh... you got to run the [bleep] country 'cause this guy's out for the count.

So Edith was like, no problem. I got this.

Shut up. Sit down.

I am in charge now.

Can I get my cheesy bread I brought?

Your what?

Cheesy bread that I brought.

Can we finish this part?

What part?

The part that we want to do.

(Whimpers): My cheesy bread.

We're still doing it.

All right. Well...

I don't want the bread anymore.

(Laughs)

So Edith Wilson, she told America, hey, guys. (Claps)

Excuse me.

My husband, the president... he's very tired, and he will be resting.

He's very tired, so he needs to rest.

And she even went to Congress and was like, hey, no big deal.

I'm giving him everything you're saying, Congress.

I'm giving him all the letters and the things.

So what do you guys think of this rule or a law or thing that we're working on?

And they'd be like, whatever, we think this.

And then she'd bring it to Woodrow who was, like, half awake, and she'd be like, all right.

Well, Congress is like, blah, blah, blah.

And he'd be like... uh.

And she was like, well, I guess I'll compromise.

I'm just gonna [bleep] make the deci...

(Stammers)

Make the decision-ism myself.

So basically, Edith Wilson was the first female president.

She ran memos between Congress and him.

Congress is like, all right.

What?

What?

What is going on?

So Congress picked this one Republican senator, Albert Fall.

They're like, Albert, go see what his true condition is.

Go see what Wilson's true condition is.

So Albert Fall shows up.

(Dramatic music)

He's like, can we come in and see the true condition?

She's not [bleep] stupid. She's like, yeah, sure.

Come on in.

So Albert Fall comes in.

♪♪

It was like, yep, he's... this is him.

Making decisions every day, and not I... take the... thank you, honey.

And I take the... the papers from him that I don't understand 'cause I'm just some dumb broad.

And Edith just propped up Woodrow in bed.

Like, waving, like hey.

And they're like, oh, okay. Cool.

And she's like, bye. And then they leave.

That's how dumb government is.

We had a woman [bleep] running this country, and guess what.

You could go, nothing good happened, but I can go, nothing bad happened.

9/11 didn't happen on her watch.

Um, Disneyland with Johnny Depp at the ani... the... ho... the Haunted Mansion that's all Tim Burton... that didn't happen on her watch.

Christmas and Halloween combined, a lot of things...

(Dramatic music)

Basically everyone at this point is like, where is the president?

Where is our boss?

Who ever in the name of God is like, "Our boss is missing. We can't wait to get him back"?

Nobody!

Nobody wants to see they boss.

Ow! Ow.

So she literally is like, I can feel the heat on me.

I know what I'll do.

I'll set up a photoshoot, and they prop up Woodrow Wilson in the Oval Office.

So he's, like, sitting there, and they, like, move his arm, and then they just release that to the press, and that's how dumb people were back then.

They're like, oh, there's the president sitting there signing a document.

What the heck were we worried about?

He seems to be all at work and [bleep].

So that's all fine.

That's how she ran the country.

(Patriotic music)

That's a good story.

This is our... (Laughs)

Can I just get back up?

Watch your head.

Huh?

Can I just get back up?

Yeah.

But it's not on the show.

What?

Anything.

When does it start filming?

Guys, come on.

Who wants to be president?

It's not working.

It's... it feels like they don't want to be president.

Why would you want to be president?

I did.

It's a crazy gig.

Yeah, I don't know.

But all we can say is let's all just make good history together.

I like that, man.

You do?

I love that.

All right.

I love that.

We love you. Thank you.

Look at Hillary go.

Go, Hillary! Go, H!

Go, Hillary. Go, go, go!

Go, go, go! Whoo!

(Cheering)

(Laughing)

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

This has been one of the best days of my life.

Truly a dream come true to do an election special.

Thank you to Ken Alterman, Anne Freeman, everybody at Comedy Central for allowing this to happen.

This has been such a dream come true.

Thank you, and go America!

Whoo!

Mwah!

(Laughing)

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Thank you for doing this.

(Patriotic music)

♪♪