03x07 - Auntsgiving

[bunniefuu]

Dre: Thanksgiving... The holiday that transcends race, religion and sexual orientation. Why? Because there's something for everyone. The turkey, the football, the parades, the brief friendship that preceded the decimation of our native population. Did I mention the parades? And being that Thanksgiving's my mom's favorite holiday, she's cool with everybody.

Aah!

Even Pops gets love. It's her happiest time of the year.

[Chuckles]

Oh, no. Unh-unh. Unh-unh. Ooh, mama. No, no, no, no, no.

You know you can get salmonella from that.

Yes... I can.

Dre...

[Laughs] That's my baby.

That's disgusting.

Mmm. This is good.

Ooh. Ooh. I just got a chill.

It's probably the salmonella.

A chill? Mnh-mnh.

No, I keep this house at a steady 82.

Yes, you do.

Oh, my eyes are itchy, and my joints are aching.

It's the bacteria attacking your nervous system.

[Chuckles]

No, no, this is something else.

Mmm.

[Wind whistling]

[Ominous music plays]

Something evil.

[Doorbell rings]

Mm. Coming!

AV.

[Gasps]

Hey, baby brother.

Hello, Rubeline.

♪♪

Almaviligerais.

Ruby: What's that snake doing here?

Doing what snakes do...

Slithering up to people's front door without calling first.

I hate her.

Earl, you been doing sit-ups?

Let me answer for you... You have not.

You look awful.

Here's the thing. I actually love my aunt because she raised Pops like her own kid, She's the only one who can check him.

Stop it, now. Come on, now. Oh, have mercy.

I just have to pretend to hate her so my mom won't choke me in my sleep.

Can you believe this raggedy broad just popping up and acting like we're supposed to drop every damn thing to cater to her.

You know what?

I'ma go give her a piece of my mind.

♪♪

Auntie AV! Oh, I love you so much.

Please forgive my mom, and don't you leave, okay, because I don't want to choose because if I choose, I choose you.

No, I don't. No, I don't.

God, this is hard.

[Chuckles]

This is what "Sophie's Choice" was all about.

Oh, we should watch it. Do you know what Netflix is?

Okay, breathe.

Breathe, Dre.

AV?

Hey.

There she is, looking like America's next top model.

Aw, stop it.

Come here, baby.

Ohh. Oh, hi.

What are you doing here?

Ohh.

[Whispering] It doesn't matter. She's wonderful.

Enjoy it.

Why are you whispering?

[Normal voice] I'm not whispering.

Oh, you're not?

You're screaming.

Ohhhh. I see what's happening.

Why don't you man up, Dre, okay, and stop being a little B.I.?

We know you love your aunt!

[Laughs]

Stop hiding it from your mom!

Okay, you just saying that because you want to see my mom get mad.

I am. And I do.

Why didn't you tell us you were coming?

We could've hung out, but Dre and I are going out of town.

Yeah? Where are you two going?

Oh, we're going on a little baby-moon.

You know, a little romantic time before the baby comes.

Sookie, Sookie, now.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Well, you know what, we don't have to go.

But we want to go. But I want to spend time with you.

Damn it, Sophie, how did you make these choices?

What is wrong with you?

♪♪

I like being student-body president.

But, to be honest, I've been a little freaked out by the assassination attempts.

Excuse me?

Assassination attempts.

You know, when people try to k*ll people.

People want him dead.

A lot of people.

But mostly me.

Dre: Hey.

We'll be back before dinner tomorrow night.

Now, if there's an emergency, you listen to your grandparents.

What if they're dead, and that's the emergency?

What?

Hmm.

Then you listen to Jack until I get back.

Yes!

Are you serious? [Scoffs]

Okay, we've got a long drive. Let's go.

Hey, Junior? Bags.

No. Don't do that.

Bring me back money.

Zoey: Money's always good.

So why are you here, Almaviligerais?

To spend time with my brother and his beautiful, sweet grandkids. Mm-hmm.

See, now I know you're lying 'cause they just okay.

Pops: Hey, hey, hey. It's Thanksgiving.

Now, can't we just have a little peace around here, please?

Don't you know, Earl?

You can't have peace with a snake in the house.

A snake'll crawl up in your bed while you're sleeping and bite you in your crotch.

And you always have some no-good, crotch-biting ulterior motive.

Ruby, now you just being ridiculous. Now let it go.

Yeah, I'll let it go... when I die.

♪♪

So, why are you here?

Because I know the eagle has landed.

The eagle?

Oh! Yes, yes. The eagle.

And it sold for way over asking, and I want my cut of the condo.

Shh! Eagle! It's an eagle.

And you ain't getting a penny of my eagle.

We playing eagle chicken, here?

Ruby!

All right, all right.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, now.

Let's talk turkey.

♪♪

I finally have the answer to one of our great family mysteries.

Why we sometimes find your underwear in the trash?

It's gross.

Push them down, man.

Okay, do you want to hear my news or not?

Not really.

Nah. Mnh.

I know why grandma hates auntie AV.

I heard AV whisper to Pops, "The eagle has landed."

Pops joined the electrician's union in 1969.

And who did the electrician's union do a lot of work for?

Movie studios.

Guys, he was obviously a part of the government conspiracy to fake the moon landing.

[Clears throat]

Have you not watched any of the links I sent you?

You make it real hard for me to look up to you.

Let's say we're as lonely as you are, and we believe Pops backlit the moon landing.

What did auntie AV do?

Duh.

A.V. Audio/visual.

Come on, guys.

I'm just connecting some very obvious dots.

[Door opens]

And, just for the record, those are dad's Star Wars underwear in the trash.

Zoey: Oh, God.

♪♪

[Gasps] Oh, wow.

Dre!

Ah.

This is amazing!

Mm-hmm.

Baby, you picked such a beautiful place for us to [Chuckles] reconnect.

Oh, well, you know, baby, I dropped a couple of stacks on this room.

And, according to my calculations, we need to reconnect at least five times...

Five times... to get our money's worth.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

We are gonna reconnect hard.

You have no idea how hard.

Oh, no, I do.

Hey, babe, babe.

Oh, yeah.

Let's reconnect on this coffee table.

I don't know. It looks a little wobbly.

This is gonna make for a tricky reconnection, baby.

Okay.

See? No. Unh-unh.

Well, check out's at 11:00 and the bike rentals are free, but they go quick.

Get out.

Okay.

Yeah. Thank you.

Don't look back.

[Door closes]

I put the condo in your name so that Ruby couldn't get her hands on it.

I took care of it, did the upkeep, so you're welcome.

AV, you being ridiculous.

I want what's coming to me, Earl!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

That screaming and hollering in here like some raccoons. What is it?

Nothing. Right, sis?

Yeah. Nothing.

[Mouthing words]

She's up to something, Earl.

I don't trust that snake.

Ruby, it's Thanksgiving. Be cool for a couple of days.

I mean, you two used to be the best of friends.

Yeah, like Jesus and Judas.

You stole my Calvin.

What? Who said that?

Calvin!

Oh.

What did he say, exactly?

That you stole him!

Wow. That's pretty definitive.

Where you want it?

Head or gut?

Whoa. Hold...

Come on.

Ruby, this is stupid.

I'm not gonna fight you.

Come on!

I'm gonna jack you up!

Hey!

Wait a minute. Who are you?

I'm her brother, Earl, and I'm not gonna let you touch my sister.

Oh, yeah? How you gonna stop me?

Wit those big, powerful arms?

And those pants that don't keep any secrets?

Whatcha gonna do?

Mm!

Mm. Mnh-mnh.

Mm.

[Both moan]

So, we good on Calvin, right?

Her stealing Calvin from you was the best thing that ever happened to you.

'Cause look what it got you. [Chuckles]

A lifetime of disappointment and bad credit wrapped in a linen suit.

♪♪

Ahh.

All right, let's hurry up, Bow. Let's do this.

This ginseng is kicking in!

[Sighs]

Ooh. All right.

♪♪

Babe, what's wrong?

[Gasps]

Mnh-mnh.

Oh, I know exactly what this is.

Role playing.

What?

Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.

You're Natasha, a Russian immigrant who's behind in her rent.

And I am the sleazy landlord that takes other forms of payment.

I was touching up my makeup in the bathroom, and I realized that I don't have to throw up.

Mm-hmm. Because I paid all your utility bills?

No, Dre.

Then...

Because...

[Sighs]

I didn't have morning sickness today.

I always have morning sickness all the way through my first trimester, and then once it stops, it never comes back.

Babe, that's a good thing, right?

Is it?

Dre, this is the last time I'm gonna be pregnant.

It's the last time I'm gonna have morning sickness.

Everything about this pregnancy is the last and final time for me.

For us.

Aw. Come here, babe.

I like being pregnant.

Yeah.

I'm really good at it.

We're really good at getting pregnant.

[Both chuckle]

Babe, look.

Hmm?

Change is hard.

Mm-hmm.

And, if you get further behind in your rent, it's gonna get harder for you, Natasha.

Get off of me. Get off.

Babe, I'm sorry, but this is just a really expensive room.

Okay, how much to make you go away and never tell Ruby about this?

Half.

No way!

Fine. All of it.

You don't understand negotiations, do you?

This is my final offer.

I think it's more than generous.

Not enough.

[Door opens]

Ruby: What's all that money for? Answer me, Earl.

You better not be selling dr*gs. Is it marijuana?

You got some marijuana?

No, actually, Ruby, this is all the money Earl made all by himself from selling his place on Bullis.

AV!

I made you get rid of that place on Bullis when we got married.

I did.

By putting it in my name.

I can't believe you.

You hid property that should've been half mine in the divorce?

It was my sanctuary to relax.

Shut up. It's where you hid your side chicks.

Side chicks are very relaxing.

And, of course, the snake agreed to hide it in her slimy name.

[Chuckles] You always covered for him.

You hid his trollops, and now you done hid his condo.

I want my half of that dirty money.

Why does everybody want my money?

This is my dirty, filthy money.

Fine.

If I'm not getting money, Earl, I will have vengeance.

Believe that.

♪♪

So if Pops had nothing to do with faking the lunar landing, why has he legally changed his name four times?

Tax evasion.

That's why people call here looking for Frederick Douglas.

Jack: All right, now.

So, your boy Jack "To-Tha" just figured out what really happened with Pops, grandma, and auntie AV.

Oh.

They're bank robbers.

Ugh. That's so far-fetched.

Now, if you'll notice the shadows under the...

No, I'm telling you, they cut grandma out of her share of some dirty money.

And auntie AV's here because it's obviously hidden somewhere in this house.

Hmm. You know what?

Secret family money kind of makes sense.

Does anyone believe dad is good enough at anything to afford this kind of lifestyle?

It would explain why he was able to land a doctor. Hmm.

I just assumed mom was young with self-esteem issues.

Well, we've got to find that money.

Oh.

Whoa! No.

Oh.

What are you doing?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

There we go.

My wall!

Is it in there?

I can't believe this is the last time I'm gonna be pregnant.

And this bra isn't usually tight on me.

It's because my boobs are swelling for the last time!

[Voice breaking] Oh. I just feel like I want to cry.

Okay, no crying.

Look, I booked us a couple's massage, and hopefully that will get us back in the right frame of mind.

Oh.

Dre, that's so sweet.

Yes, and I booked us two strong, sensual women to work out the kinks.

You booked two women?

Not just women.

Sensual women.

Dre, there's no way that a female therapist can work out my kinks.

It's just not gonna happen.

What? She better. All right?

Because I'm not paying for a man to handle my wife.

Oh, really? Okay.

Uh-huh.

And I'm supposed to be okay with a woman handling my man?

Yes.

I'm not gonna let a man rub up on me, so get that out of your mind.

So, Dre.

Hmm?

What kind of pressure do you like?

Oh. Uh, not that.

This is all your fault. You show up and run your mouth.

She did this to all my shirts.

I look like I should be singing backup for Cher.

Maybe it's time to get away from linen, Earl.

Then who would I be?

Wait now, AV.

Ruby: ♪ My sword and shield down by the riverside ♪

Uh-oh. That's her vengeance song.

Last time I heard that, I woke up with my whole body shaved.

♪ I ain't gonna study w*r no more ♪

[Gasps] What are you...

♪ Yeah, study w*r no more ♪

What are you doing?

I'm doing you a favor by cutting up your ugly-ass clothes.

My Caché!

That's Chico's, and you know it.

Okay. I have had enough of you, Ruby!

And I've had enough of you two cheating behind my back all these years.

So, come on.

Come on, Almaviligerais. Let's dance!

Come on!

I am sick of you.

I'll cut you like I cut your capris.

You don't...

You don't...

I'm just sick of you.

Unh-unh, unh-unh. Stop it! Stop it!

I said, "Stop it."

I've seen this before. It ends with me marrying you, and nobody wants to see that happen.

Cheating on me.

I can take her. I can take her.

She's short! She's small!

AV!

Get me... Let me get her!

Almaviligerais: Let me... Move! Get out of the...

Guys, there's no hidden money.

They're not bank robbers.

Pops and auntie AV have been cheating behind grandma Ruby's back.

That means she's not his sister.

She's his... girlfriend.

[Gasps]

Our family is such a cliché.

Sometimes I think of just driving east.

You're saying that there's a chance that auntie AV's our real grandmother?

Yes.

Okay, this is stupid.

I'm going down there to figure out what really happened.

You, fix my wall.

♪♪

[Moaning]

Tyler: How's that, Dre? [Whimpers softly]

Do you want it harder or softer, Dre?

Tell me what you want, Dre.

I want you to please stop saying my name.

Just relax.

This is me relaxed.

Close your eyes.

My eyes are closed.

[Whimpers]

[Moaning]

[Crying]

♪♪

Whatever was wrong, that massage made it right.

[Sighs] Let's get down, Jackie Brown.

No.

Come on, baby.

Let's do this.

No means no, Bow!

Okay, listen. Sweetheart.

I'm gonna make you forget all about Tyler.

Close your eyes.

[Voice breaking] That's what he said.

Oh, my God.

We should have never come here.

[Sighs] Here's your share.

And here's your share.

Now, you and I can go back to tolerating each other, and you and AV can go back to being friends.

Oh, I'm gonna take my money, but she and I will never be friends again.

You still mad about Calvin? Girl, that was over four decades ago.

Get over it.

I don't care about Calvin!

You want to know why I hate you?

It's because it was you that told Earl to divorce me.

That's right, Almaviligerais.

I know what you did to me, and... and I'll never forgive you.

♪♪

[Elevator bell dings] Dre: Look, I'm just gonna say it...

We've had better baby-moons.

Okay, well, you know what?

Maybe we will find some time to reconnect in the next couple of weeks.

I guess.

You know, maybe our problem was we were pushing too hard to reconnect.

True.

I don't need a fancy hotel suite to do that.

You know, I just need some time with my favorite girl in the world.

Aww, baby.

Mm-hmm.

Wait, are... you're talking about me, right?

Yes.

Okay.

Just checking.

[Both laugh]

Ooh. I have an idea. Excuse me.

Oh, excuse me.

[Bell dings]

Oh!

Uh-huh.

Oh.

If you could just, uh, take your jeans off right now.

You don't mean that.

I do.

Okay, give me some.

Give me some.

Oh! [Laughs]

[Spits]

Uh-huh. I saw you spit on my sister's spoon.

Yes. And that's the only person's spoon I spit on.

Uh-huh. Look, we need to talk.

You need to stop being so mad with AV.

I know, she told me to leave you, but you don't understand why.

I'm going over to the apartment on Bullis to, uh, relax.

Me and the bank teller are celebrating an anniversary.

Anniversary?

Listen, if my wife calls, tell her I've gone on an errand for you in Oakland, back on Sunday.

Sunday?

You are out of control. I am not gonna cover for you anymore.

Then Ruby will find out. Why can't you respect my marriage?

Earl, Ruby's a smart woman, but she's a fool when it comes to you.

She's gonna keep on being your doormat because she loves you that much, but those kids, they deserve better.

She deserves better.

You have to let her go.

[Inhales deeply, sighs]

Look, Ruby, I know what I did, and I know who I am.

And AV was right. You deserved better.

I owe you an apology for every woman I ever ran around with, so I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Ooh, really sorry.

Ooh. Never more sorry.

Hard to be sorry about that one.

I should call her.

Ruby: Earl!

Okay, okay, listen. Your beef should be with me, not with AV.

All those years that she was covering for me, she was just being a-a good big sister to me, that's all.

But I wasn't being a good friend.

I wasn't even really being a good big sister.

Mom worked so much, you were practically my baby, so I let you get away with m*rder.

I thought I was helping you, but all I did was help you become a drinking, gambling ho-runner.

Wait. Whoa, whoa. I didn't drink that much.

Yeah, well, the point is that a good big sister knows when to cover and when to tell the truth.

I was so busy taking care of my brother...

I forgot to take care of my friend.

Mm-hmm.

I messed up, and I'm sorry.

And I've missed you, Rubeline.

♪♪

Get over here, AV.

[Chuckles]

Oh! I'm sorry, too.

Ah! I guess we all forgive each other, then.

Get away from here, you snake!

Thank you for getting that man out of my life.

[Chuckles]

You want to take our money and go shopping at Caché?

It was Chico's.

I know it was Chico's.

I knew you'd know that.

I know you know it. Come on, here.

You know damn well I know one...

Boom! Seamless.

I should be a Property Brother.

Hey.

Oh!

Did you find out what really happened?

Yes, and you're never gonna believe it.

It turns out Pops had an apartment where he used to, uh...

Used to what?

Come on.

Uh...

[Sighs]

Well, uh, where he used to work on his plans to fake the moon landing.

[Gasps] I knew it!

Mm-hmm. But that's not all.

It's also where they planned their bank robberies.

[Gasps] See? Ha!

And where auntie AV and Pops fell in love?

No, they're brother and sister. Don't be disgusting.

And fix my wall right, not like an idiot.

Really? Honestly.

So, what was I saying earlier? Thanksgiving's about turkey, football, and parades, but it's mostly about family... Appreciating the ones we take for granted, forgiving the ones who did us wrong, being there for each other, having fun together, and finally, reconnecting with your favorite girl in the world.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey! Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh, my God, we're so sorry we're late.

We got stuck in an elevator.

Phew.

Yeah, and a-a little stuck in traffic.

[Laughs] And we almost got stuck in the garage.

I am not a machine. Okay?

Let us pray.

[Grunts]

Dear Lord, thank you for making rear-reclining seats in my Benz.

Thank you for those mirrors in the elevator.

Uh, thank you for that extended light on Ventura.