07x06 - The Quirkducers

[bunniefuu]

You guys are into rosemary, right?

The lady who had the baby?

No, the herb.

I'm looking for recipes for Thanksgiving next week.

Uh-oh, somebody's getting excited about Thanksgiving.

Mm, maybe.

He's freaking out. Look at him.

Yeah, he's pulling his hair out.

Oh, wait, no. That was like that.

Hmm. Bald joke.

Yeah.

What you doing, Tina?

You didn't finish your homework last night?

Oh, this isn't homework.

I'm working on some erotic holiday fiction.

Hmm. Oh, like the one you wrote where St. Patrick got his groove back?

Oh, y-you read that?

Yeah.

I loved that one.

Wait, you read it, too?

I mean, I heard about it.

When I-I was reading it out loud.

I overheard some of it.

I heard it, too.

What's this one about, Tina?

Well, this one's for Thanksgiving, and it's called "The Quirky Turkey."

It's about a turkey who wears glasses.

Also, she has skinny legs that she may or may not hide with knee-high socks.

And she feels left out because she doesn't look like all the other turkeys.

Is that... about... you?

(nervous chuckle): No. No. What?

All right, fine, it might have been inspired by a real-life event where a certain word was thrown around.

Hi, guys.

(chuckles)

Tina, you're so quirky.

She's right, you are.

You are.

You are.

Oh, my God, you really are.

Oh, my God, she's, like, so quirky.

Wait, is quirky a good thing?

(laughs) That's such a quirky thing to ask.

So, yeah, I'm taking back the "Q" b*mb and mixing in a fun holiday message.

Well, that doesn't sound very erotic.

Which is totally fine.

No, some stuff happens with a pig. Oh.

Some suggestive situations, implied nudity.

Oh, okay, I got it.

So how's it end?

The not-quirky turkeys realize that they aren't there for dinner, they are dinner.

And they get their heads chopped off on Thanksgiving.

Aw, that's nice.

So, you excited?

My little turkeys get a long weekend.

(sighs) I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving, but I am not looking forward to the day before Thanksgiving.

We have to sit through one of Mr. Frond's stupid plays again.

I'm still bored from last year's play.

(flatly): ♪ We're thankful for ♪
♪ These foods we're eating ♪
♪ Here's a list of foods we're eating ♪
♪ A, apples ♪
♪ A, apple pie... ♪

Yeah, Mr. Frond's plays aren't great, but isn't going to a play better than going to actual school?

I mean, do you guys like school?

I've never asked you that.

That's the thing!

The day before Thanksgiving is supposed to be a half day.

It's on the school schedule.

And in most Bibles.

At least in the Ving Rhames version.

(chuckles)

King James, Gene.

Ving Rhames!

(microphone feedback hums)

Lunch announcements.

First up, from the Women's Issues club, we have Peter and Zeke.

What's up, ladies!

Our main issue right now is that no girls signed up for this club.

And Peter and I wrote a song about it. Hit it!

♪ I don't have a vag*na ♪
♪ But I won't stop try'na ♪

Come on, girls!

♪ Help women with their issues ♪

Okay, okay, okay.

Come on, girls, sign up right now!

Okay, okay, shutting it down.

Shutting it down.

Holy moly, that's it!

What's it?

That's how we get our half day.

Join the Women's Issues club?

No. What if the day-before-

Thanksgiving play is so offensive that it gets shut down?

We'd all go home early.

Why would it be offensive?

It's never offensive.

It's just bad and boring, like avocado toast.

But what if we could convince Mr. Frond to let us do the play, and then we make it so horrible and inappropriate that he shuts it down?

Boom, half day.

A real half day!

But where are we gonna find a play that's inappropriate, offensive and Thanksgiving-themed?

What's the most erotic temperature you could cook a turkey at?

375.

Thanks.

Oh, my God, Tina, did you, uh, hear anything we were just talking about?

No.

Great.

How's your Thanksgiving play going?

Oh, it's not a play.

It is now.

♪ Peelin' the potatoes, tryin' not to fart... ♪

Thank you, Linda.

♪ I'll just let out a little one ♪
♪ It's my little secret. ♪

Oh, my God.

(gasps) Oh, my gosh!

I know. I have to live with you.

No, look at this potato.

Yeah?

It looks like a face.

Oh, okay.

(gasps)

It looks exactly like my grandfather.

Like, exactly.

It does?

Yeah, my mother's father, Burt.

This is his spitting image, look.

I mean, don't all old men kind of look like potatoes?

It's even got the bumpy thing on its face in the same spot.

He used to put a nickel on the top of it, and then I'd snatch it off.

Hmm, great.

All right, let's make fries.

No! Not with Grandpa.

Right.

That'd be crazy.

You know what? I'm gonna keep him for a little while.

It'll be good for the kids to get to know my grandpa.

Potato.

Grandpa Potato!

Yeah, Grandpa Potato.

I wasn't trying to name...

Forget it.

Mr. Frond: So you want to put on the Thanksgiving play this year?

What can we say?

I mean, you inspire us, Mr. Frond.

And I should probably just continue to do that.

This year, everyone will be reading from an 88-stanza epic poem called "The Pilgrims' Picnic."

Oh, it sounds great, Mr. Frond.

Everyone likes stanzas.

I mean, they kind of do.

Right? Right?

You seem pretty confident.

After all, it's just your reputation... no biggie.

Sounds like you don't need our play, so see ya later.

Uh...

W-Well, just out of curiosity, what is your play?

It's called The Quirky Turkey.

It's based on an original short story by me.

Oh. Is it erotic?

Suggestive situations.

I'm cutting back on the implied nudity.

Okay, not a good start.

Picture this: an underdog story about a turkey.

An under-turkey.

Who wears glasses.

It's a metaphor for self-esteem and community.

Ooh, I like that.

Yeah, we knew you would.

What about music?

My plays always have music.

Makes the whole thing more musical.

And that's why we brought Gene on as our musical director.

You did?

Oh. Yes, now I remember.

You absolutely did.

Mm, I'm still not entirely convinced.

That's because you have high standards, and we love that.

And that's why we need you to be our executive producer.

Oh. What does an executive producer do?

Basically you accept awards and give interviews.

I-I can do that.

I-I'd be great at that.

Yeah, you just say things like, "They said it would never work, but look at us now."

Oh, that's good.

What if I said, "This is a real passion project for me"?

Perfect.

Nice.

Super cool.

So, uh, Mr. Frond, what do you say?

Belcher children, you have my permission to put on The Quirky Turkey.

All: Yeah!

Let's get to quirk!

Welcome to the open casting call for the first ever student-produced Thanksgiving play, The Quirky Turkey!

This is your moment and your stage.

And also your lunchtime, so remember to eat afterwards... or during your auditions, like I will be doing.

We're looking for the best of the best.

(quietly): Or the best at being worst.

Mm-hmm.

I can almost do the splits.

Almost. Ow.

Not quite. Ow. Ow!

Love it! Welcome aboard.

Look at this, look at that.

Look at this, look at this.

Look at that.

Look at this, look at that, look at this, look at this.

Okay, you got the part.

Thank you!

Louise: Yup.

You were really good.

Thank you, I know.

The lights are too bright!

Can you turn them down?

Your future's even brighter, 'cause you're in the show!

I just came in here to see what everybody was doing.

Now I'm on stage.

What's going on?

You got the part!

That's what's going on.

Do what?

♪ Ave ♪
♪ Maria. ♪

Thank you. We'll let you know.

Next!

Wait, Louise, what are you doing?

She's really good.

Maybe she could play the lead.

Nah, nah, nah. She's not really what we're looking for.

Plus, we already know who's playing the Quirky Turkey.

It's you.

What? Really?

You're perfect, Tina. And you know every word by heart.

And you've captured its dead-eyed stare.

But I'm the writer, too.

And I haven't even finished the second act.

Oh, we won't get that far.

What?

Nothing, nothing.

You're doing great.

Gene, how's the music coming?

Psh. Man. So good.

Teddy: Oh, yeah.

Looks just like him.

Same cheekbones.

Same steely look.

You see, Bob?

Teddy sees it, too.

It's spooky.

But also comforting.

I miss Grandpa.

Aw, he never got to meet the kids.

'Cause he d*ed.

Maybe I should make him a little blanket.

Oh, and a little cup of Jell-O.

He loved Jell-O.

Hey, you could make him a little plate of mashed potatoes, too.

What are you talking about?

Uh, it-it was a joke.

Like, you know, old people and... mashed potatoes, 'cause they eat mashed potatoes, and he's a potato.

It's poor taste, Bob.

Yeah, too soon.

I'm gonna go into the kitchen.

Teddy, keep an eye on Grandpa Potato today.

Don't let Bob fry him up.

I'm not gonna fry up your grandfather.

You threw away that piece of toast that looked like it said "Wow."

That was a dark day.

Louise: All right, folks!

Just a few days till curtains up.

Let's give them a show to remember.

Hey, T. How's my writer-slash-it-girl doing?

I don't know.

I'm not feeling good about the second act, but...

All right, fantastic.

I can't wait.

Um, okay.

One more time from the top, Zeke.

Five, six, seven, eight!

(Jimmy Jr. and Zeke grunting)

I wish... I wish I could be as graceful as you, J-Ju.

But I can't. Too stiff!

(grunts) Oh, God, I'm going down! Going down!

How are those harmonies coming, ladies?

Try this on for size.

♪ Aah. ♪

(same note): ♪ Aah. ♪

No, no.

What?

No.

Jocelyn, that's not a harmony.

What?

It's not?

No!

Do you even know what a harmony is?

A harmony is when I sing louder than you.

No!

Oh.

I'm dizzy.

Keep up the good work.

So, how's this?

(plays riff)

Good?

I mean, bad?

Bad-good? Good-bad?

I don't know.

I mean, it's bad.

I mean, all of it's bad, but is it "shut down" bad?

Is it "get a half day" bad?

I guess something just happens when you get in front of the hot lights.

It makes you want to leave your blood, sweat, tears and pee out on the stage.

Oh, Gene. My Genie Gene!

You and your words and your stupid, stupid face.

I think I know how to guarantee that we get this play shut down!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

So, Mr. Frond, you're the executive producer of the Thanksgiving play, which premieres tomorrow.

Which I'm in.

As an actor.

And I am, too, also.

Yes.

I am the executive producer.

This was a real passion project for...

Have you ever met the people from Bones?

Um, no...

Do you have a limousine?

No. I drive a hatchback.

Gross.

Do...

Do you guys want to talk about the play?

What play?

Did you have plastic surgery?

Be real.

No.

Do you want plastic surgery?

No. What? What?

If I were you, here's where I'd start.

Face. Back.

What?

Front. Breath. (screams)

Okay, we're all set for tomorrow.

Our sweet, sweet half day is so close, I can taste it.

It tastes like victory, and nachos.

So, what's the plan again?

Ugh, Gene! It all happens after the first song when the turkeys get k*lled.

Backstage, an air compressor will be attached to hoses, which will be attached to bottles full of giblets and gizzards, which will be inside the turkey heads.

When I hit this button, the turkey heads are gonna blow off and giblets and gizzards are gonna go everywhere.

Like Carrie meets Gallagher meets Top Chef meets Double Dare!

Exactly. All right, hands in the middle.

"Get Frond to shut down Tina's horrible play and get a half day" on three!

Both: One, two, three...

Get...

Get Frond to shut down...

Louise! Gene! Oh!

Tina! (screams)

H-How long have you been standing there?

Long enough!

Why is my hand like this?

We don't even do this in our family.

Do we play sports now, too?

If the sport is lying and ruining my play, yeah, I guess you do!

So, I am an athlete!

So, this was your plan all along?

You're just using me and my play?

Tina, I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

Gene, when you said, "Tina, your play's got the goods," and you said "goods" like it had a "Z" at the end, that was just a bunch of crap?

I never should have put that "Z" on the end.

That's my biggest regret in all of this "mezz."

I came in here to tell you guys that I finally, maybe, sort of finished the big heartfelt musical number in act two, and now you're saying that none of that even matters?

Hey.

Save the drama for the stage, Tina C. Williams!

Yeah, don't get your pubes in a tube.

I will get my pubes in a tube.

We should all get our pubes in a tube.

'Cause Louise and Gene are gonna ruin the whole play by dumping gizzards and giblets all over the stage so Mr. Frond will shut down the play!

(all gasp, murmur)

Okay, okay, just calm down.

There is a completely reasonable explanation for all of this.

Yeah. You don't care about the play.

All you care about is if the play gets shut down and we get a half day!

All: Oh.

A half day?

I'd be into that.

I'm as angry as you are!

Wait, what?

Yeah, a half day doesn't sound half bad.

Hell yeah! I wouldn't mind getting home early, too.

And I want to go to the mall that day to get leggings.

Yeah, for her legs.

Yes.

Well, Tina, looks like everyone wants to go to Shutdown Town except for you.

But we've all worked so hard.

Have we?

And I've worked hard getting a whole bunch of giblets and gizzards.

People don't want to sell that stuff to a nine-year-old.

Look, it'll all be worth it tomorrow when you're sitting on the couch, back in your PJs at 11:00 a.m., staring down a four-day weekend.

So, what do you say?

You ready to t*nk this turkey?

Um, I guess.

Yeah. If everyone else wants to do it.

All right, so it's settled.

The show must go off!

See everyone tomorrow.

Linda: ♪ Just doin' something ♪
♪ Over here. ♪

Uh, Lin.

What are you doing?

What? Oh, um, nothing.

Are you putting Grandpa Potato in your bag to bring to school?

What? No!

That would be ridiculous.

(chuckles): It's a potato.

I'm a grown woman. Hello!

He can't even breathe in there.

Okay, fine. You got me.

I-I just wanted him to see the kids' show.

Lin, don't bring the potato.

Please. I'm-I'm begging you.

I need to know you're okay.

All right.

He'll just stay here and he'll never see the kids perform.

It's fine.

Look alive!

Talent's arriving for breakfast.

Morning, Grandpa Potato.

Morning, Grandpa Potato.

There they are!

Look at my little stars.

I gave birth to a theater company.

I love it.

Pancakes, please.

Wait, make that waffles.

Scratch that.

Make it pancake mix in a waffle maker.

That's what waffles are, Gene.

They're... that's pancakes in a...

I don't want a conversation.

I want pancakes in the shape of waffles.

Okay, fine.

Big day.

I can't wait to see your Thanksgiving play.

Oh, it's gonna be a real showstopper, Mom.

I bet it is.

Are you excited, Tina?

Um, yeah, totally.

For sure, totally.

Of course she is!

Look at her, she can barely contain herself.

We're really proud of you kids.

Pancakes and/or waffles speak louder than words, Father!

(piano intro plays)

Hello, friends and families.

Before we begin, I'd like to introduce a man who made all of this possible.

Give it up for our executive producer, Mr. Frond!

(piano plays two notes)

Every once in a while...

Great speech, Mr. Frond.

(piano plays scale)

Thank you.

Okay.

And without further ado, sit back and enjoy "The Quirky Turkey!"

(applause)

All right, places, people.

How you doing, girl?

Um, not great.

I feel like my soul has diarrhea.

Use it.

What?

Use it!

Let's go, folks!

It's showtime.

Hit it, Gene.

Half day, here we come.

(keyboard plays drumroll)

(piano plays intro)

(off-key): ♪ We're going to dinner ♪
♪ We're going to dinner ♪

Look at all of us plump and popular turkeys.

We're gonna make great Thanksgiving dinner guests.

Yeah, because we're conventionally attractive turkeys.

Not like that quirky turkey over there.

Hi.

Ew!

Don't talk to us!

Yeah, go away.

We've been invited to special dinners as special guests.

Why do you think humans want to eat with turkeys this year?

I wouldn't read into it.

Yeah, you're right.

(off-key): ♪ We're going to dinner ♪
♪ We're going to dinner ♪
♪ We're so glad that we're not not going to dinner! ♪

Like that quirky turkey, ew.

(quietly): Linda, look who came after all.

(gasps)

Grandpa Potato!

I felt bad that I talked you out of it, so, here.

Aw, Bobby.

(clears throat)

I'm just holding him up so he could see his grandkids.

Is he blocking you?

Uh, yeah.

Thanks, you're a doll.

It's a potato that looks like her grandfather.

I don't know, it doesn't look like a face to me.

Well, it's dark in here, so... but it does.

Okay, but I still...

Lin, show him a picture of your grandfather. Shh, keep it down.

He's trying to watch the show.

♪ Why can't I be like the other turkeys? ♪
♪ They're all off having fun ♪
♪ Is it 'cause I'm scrawny and have glasses ♪
♪ And rather smallish buns? ♪
♪ There he is ♪
♪ My crush ♪
♪ The most handsome pig, what a rush ♪

(keyboard plays drumroll)

Yeah! Ow, ow.

♪ Man, oh, man, I dig that pig ♪

Hey, turkey.

I'm too quirky; don't look at me!

Okay.

(panting)

Time for the grand finale.

Air compressor, this is your big debut.

(quiet electrical hum)

Uh-oh!

I'm starting to suspect we're not just going to dinner, I think we are the dinner!

♪ I thought I was a guest ♪
♪ But they just want me for my breast ♪
♪ Much to my surprise ♪
♪ They're all staring at my thighs ♪
♪ They all look starving ♪
♪ And ready for the carving ♪
♪ Why don't they eat a pig instead? ♪
♪ Oh, my God, they're chopping off my head ♪

(off-key harmony): ♪ Head. ♪

(crowd screaming)

Oh, my God!

Oh, my face!

Oh, wow.

This doesn't feel so good.

Louise?

(chuckles nervously)

This isn't gonna scar anyone for life, right?

(gagging)

I'm gonna throw up.

I'm doing it!

Oh, God, I'm throwing up!

(retching)

(crowd murmuring)

Louise: Okay, this might've been a mistake.

Shutting this down.

It seemed like a good idea.

Tina, I'm so sorry. You put in all this work, and now I...

Louise, we got to keep doing the show.

Excuse me?

The musical was missing something.

And now I know what it is.

Believe it or not, this actually makes it work better.

Look, Mr. Frond is coming through that door at any second to shut us down, which is what I thought I wanted.

But I was wrong.

I'm sorry, we're not gonna be able to do the second act.

Louise?

There he is.

You need to stop him.

I'm going out there.

Gene, we're gonna do the next number.

Uh... we are?

All right, close that curtain, Louise.

You are in big trouble.

Yup, right, yes, totally understand.

But just hear me out.

I don't know what that crazy turkey's doing out there, but if there's any chance to save the show, she's it.

I... (sighs)

♪ I used to spend my time ♪
♪ Wishing for a plump behind ♪
♪ But now those birds with perfect bodies ♪
♪ Are decapitated hotties ♪
♪ I wished I was someone else ♪
♪ But it takes guts to be yourself ♪

Oh.

♪ Now I've got the guts ♪
♪ I've got the glory ♪
♪ I like my scrawny stuff ♪
♪ And I'm here to tell my story ♪
♪ I've got the guts ♪
♪ Do you have the guts to be yourself? ♪

You've got the guts! (grunts)

(chuckles)

And you! (grunts)

And you. (soft grunt)

I got the guts!

That's our Tina!

You've got the guts, and you!

(grunts)

And you and you!

And you and you and you!

Tina, you son of a bitch.

(crying): I'm so proud to be part of this.

Oh, God.

She's so quirky.

I'm quirky, too, right?

You wish.

What?!

♪ I'm happy to be who I am ♪
♪ Now I'm gonna see about a pig before he becomes a ham! ♪

Hey, quirky turkey.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Shut your snout and kiss me.

(both moaning)

Oh, oh, boy.

Okay, maybe now we shut it down.

Do you think they'll make us clean this up?

Yeah, I think they will.

We're not gonna get that half day, are we?

Nope.

Worth it.

Totally worth it.

♪ We're going to dinner, we're going to dinner ♪
♪ Look at all these plump and popular turkeys ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ Great Thanksgiving dinner guests ♪
♪ Yeah, because we're conventionally ♪
♪ Attractive turkeys ♪
♪ Not like that quirky turkey over there ♪
♪ Hi ♪
♪ Ew, don't talk to us ♪
♪ Yeah, go away, we've been invited ♪
♪ To special dinners as special guests ♪
♪ We're going to dinner, we're going to dinner ♪
♪ We're so glad that we're not not ♪
♪ Going to dinner ♪
♪ Like that quirky turkey, ew ♪
♪ Why can't I be like the other turkeys? ♪
♪ They're all out having fun ♪
♪ Is it 'cause I'm scrawny and have glasses ♪
♪ And rather smallish buns? ♪
♪ There he is, my crush ♪
♪ The most handsome pig ♪
♪ What a rush ♪

Yeah!

♪ Man, oh, man, I dig that pig ♪
♪ I thought I was a guest, but they just want me ♪
♪ For my breast ♪
♪ Much to my surprise ♪
♪ They're all staring at my thighs ♪
♪ They all look starving ♪
♪ And ready for the carving ♪
♪ Why don't they eat a pig instead? ♪
♪ Oh, God, they're chopping off my head ♪

(all scream)

♪ I used to spend my time ♪
♪ Wishing for a plump behind ♪
♪ But now those birds with perfect bodies ♪
♪ Are decapitated hotties ♪
♪ I wished I was someone else ♪
♪ But it takes guts to be yourself ♪
♪ Now I've got the guts, I've got the glory ♪
♪ I like my scrawny... ♪