03x09 - Summer Friday

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

Well, hey, there, sailor.

Where are you dropping anchor?

A group of us are joining the Fire Island invasion this year.

It's the annual drag parade from Cherry Grove.

Can I fix you some chow before the crossing?

No, no, no. Actually, I've got to hustle.

I'm gonna miss the fairy ferry. Muah!

Okay. Ooh, your moustache tickles.

Nice. I think I can work with that.

Have fun.

You too And don't work too hard. It's summer.

♪ You are in and I'm out for the count ♪
♪ Unconditional love ♪
♪ Take me down, knock me out ♪
♪ Kiss me now but don't promise me ♪

We need to finalize the media plan on the next Annabelle Bancroft book.

Oh, also, call Jackie Dunn's office and tell them I need to reschedule lunch on Tuesday.

I can make the jitney if I leave at 1:00.

Can you pick me up in Bridgehampton across from Candy Kitchen?

What are you wearing?

It's summer Friday, lady.

Ceci got us a table at Navy Beach, but I'm not eating.

My God, I can smell her Banana Boat.

Why do they even bother coming in at all?

See if you can get on Charles’s schedule before lunch.

He never signed off on my September budget.

Oh, he left for Pound Ridge last night.

Of course he did.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Hey, did you finish Colin's book?

I was up half the night but only got through the first 700 pages.

And what do you think?

I mean, I know it could use some editing, but am I just being blinded by lust?

Because I think it's pretty amazing.

I mean, it's overwritten, but I still...

I couldn't put it down.

I mean, it's like a dystopian "Bonfire of the Vanities."

Oh, my God.

That's exactly how I would sell it.

I'm just worried about the conflict of interest.

Like, I don't want people to think that I'm buying the book because I'm sleeping with him, and I don't want to lose the book because I'm sleeping with him.

Ah, the old Catch-69.

Ohh, what am I gonna I do?

Well, first, you need to own the fact that you're together.

And then you've got to get Colin a good agent.

I mean, you may be screwing the guy, but you don't want to screw him.

I do know just the person.

How dare you call me about work on a summer Friday?

I wouldn't unless it was something special.

A have the new writer I want to talk to you about.

Well, is he hot?

It's all about the jacket photo for a first-time novelist.

I'm dating him, Redmond, so what do you think?

Well, if you really want me to consider him, bring him to the Gansevoort rooftop.

Half the publishing biz will be there for cocktails this afternoon.

Oh, we'll be there.

And send me the manuscript.

Ugh.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Why do I need an agent?

I already want to make a deal for my book with you.

And you will.

But I've got to keep this above board.

And you need a someone on your side that has integrity, somebody with a great reputation, someone that people respect.

[gasps] Kelsey, sweetheart.

Really?

Trust me.

Colin, this is Redmond, the best book agent in the business.

She flatters me, but she's not wrong.

Nice to meet you, Redmond.

Colin, I'll be honest with you.

If Kelsey hadn't slipped me your little Bildungsroman, it never would have made it out of my slush pile.

But lucky for all of us, she did.

You've put a fun house mirror up to this city and our culture that's both hilarious and depressing, at least in the chapter I read.

Thank you.

Don't thank me.

Thank the gorgeous editrix who discovered you.

Thank you, gorgeous editrix.

Wait, does this mean you're going to represent the book?

Because you already have a buyer.

If you want to talk business, get in the pool.

Oh, see you in minute.

Um, we didn't bring swimsuits.

No problem. They have them here. Come on.

Hmm, what looks good?

I'm not sure.

I've never bought a bathing suit out of a vending machine before, let alone one that also sells condoms.

What about that one?

Seriously?

I've already got some dental floss in my purse.

Oh, right. How's the, um, situation?

It's under control.

Okay.

Colin?

Can't I just swim in my boxers?

[chuckles] My treat.

How about the red one?

Mm, don't do Speedos.

It's amazing the things you'll do to live your dream.

Right, Liza?

Oh, absolutely.

Okay, I have never felt more naked in my entire life.

Okay, well, you look amazing.

But whatever you do, just don't bend over.

Wow, I... I thought this was a work event.

Oh, we are definitely working it.

Hey, Kels.

Hey, Josh.

Oh, this is Colin.

Also working it. Don't judge.

Judging, yeah.

Hey, we've got a deal to close.

Okay.

Meet you in the pool.

I mean, when I... when I see you wearing this, it just... it just make me want to...

Okay.

All right, we can talk about that later.

Oh, we can, can we?

We can talk.

Vending machine's that way.

Okay.

All right, okay.

[laughs]

Whoo.

Ugh, I hate summer.

Everyone's in the Hamptons or the Vineyard, and here I am talking to you.

My entire weekend is like a desert, except with 90% humidity.

Mm.

Honestly, I just lie around in bed all weekend reading, bingeing "Frasier" reruns until it's time to go back to work on Monday.

I feel pathetic.

Well, you could rent a place in the Hamptons.

Have you consider that?

A single woman renting in the Hamptons?

Well, that may be the saddest thing I've ever heard.

You're alone out of choice, Diana.

Excuse me?

You've filtered so many men.

And you have so many rules.

You mean standards.

No, I mean barriers to intimacy.

Look, we can sit here, and we can talk and talk and talk, but the story doesn't change.

And whose fault is that?

Instead of pointing fingers, why don't we try pointing in the direction of a solution?

Oh, well, by all means.

Get out there. Take a few swings.

The next attractive man you see, talk to him.

Ask him out for coffee.

Is this the Freudian approach?

Or did you just see this on "Millionaire Matchmaker"?

I hear that you're frustrated.

But your frustration has become your comfort zone.

Okay, think of this as an experiment.

Talk to the next interesting man you meet and observe what happens.

Oh.

We'll see.

I'm not letting you off the hook on this one.

Fine.

Nothing like starting the weekend after a good cry with your therapist, am I right?

Actually, I am a therapist.

Marriage and Family.

Office next door.

Oh, well, I always heard that shrinks were the crazy ones.

Especially the ones on East 65th Street.

We're in a class of our own.

I hope you're sane enough to leave the city this weekend.

It's supposed to be almost 100.

Oof, my ex-wife got the house in Woodstock, so I've learned to love summer in the city.

I think it's kind of sexy, actually.

Especially at night.

I like your perspective.

Diana, by the way.

Richard.

[quirky upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Stop me if I'm being too forward, but would you care to join me for a coffee?

You're asking me for a coffee?

Are you serious?

I mean, in this heat?

How about a beer?

Sounds perfect.

[laughter]

To my newest client.

Yay.

Ow.

Redmond, I'm going to ask Liza to make the deal on this one.

Seriously?

Yeah, I'm gonna stay out of it due to extreme prejudice.

Get ready to bend over.

That's what I've keep telling her.

Hey.

Babe.

Emily, get over here and meet my genius new client.

You ladies know Emily Burns from EW?

Liza, it's me.

Jackie Dunn's old assistant.

I work at EW now.

Emily, that's fantastic.

This is Kelsey Peters. She runs Millennial Print.

Hey.

Oh, my God, respect.

I have heard such great things about your imprint.

Oh, thank you.

Also, I heard about what happened to your fiancé.

You must have been crushed.

I apologize. Terrible choice of words.

Wow, Emily, meet Colin McNichol, Kelsey's hottest new author.

And his book's not bad either.

EW should totally do something about Millennial.

You guys should come to the office Monday and meet my boss, Jess Cagle.

Absolutely.

Oh, we'd love to.

Liza, I'll email you.

Are you still Dianatroutassistant@empirical?

Yeah.

Oh, and Lmiller@millennial.

Awesome.

EW.

Oh, my God.

Both: Ahh.

Kiss each other.

What?

[upbeat music]

I've prepared Millennial's offer for Colin's book.

You want to take a look before I send it to Redmond?

Yes.

We're offering a $75,000 advance with a standard royalty rate, plus bonuses if the book hits "The New York Times" best seller list or earns out its advance within a year of publication.

It's all pretty great for a first-time writer but nothing that crosses the line.

Perfect.

Thank you for looking out for me.

Always.

Hey do you think that you can slip away for that EW meeting?

Yeah, Diana's seeing her therapist.

I have 50 minutes.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Hi, Kelsey Peters and Liza Miller from Millennial.

We have an appointment with Jess Cagle.

Hey, what's up?

I slipped the manuscript to a producer friend of mine at Paramount.

And he thinks it's perfect for Scott Rudin.

How fast can you get me your offer?

Liza can send it over now.

[silently] Okay.

We are just at EW about to meet with Jess Cagle.

Go, girl, and tell Jess I'm available if He needs a date for the Oscars.

[laughs]

Hi guys.

Jess will see you now.

Thanks.

Okay.

We are a baby imprint, less than year old, targeting millennials.

That's why they're called Millennial.

But the main story is that Kelsey is the youngest woman in the business to be running her own imprint.

That's interesting.

Really interesting.

Really interesting.

Any big books coming out?

Actually, we just bought a book from this incredible young "New Yorker" writer, Colin McNichol.

It's this brilliant dystopian epic about New York.

Cool.

It's, um, like "Bonfire of the Vanities" meets "The Walking Dead."

Are there zombies?

Yes. And they occupy Wall Street.

I shouldn't say anything else, but Scott Rudin loves it, and Paramount's already talking a three-picture deal.

Send us the manuscript.

Maybe we can do something online about the book and Millennial.

We really should.

Wonderful.

Get the press kit and bios and galleys, and we'll see what we can do.

Thank you. It was so nice to meet you.

Thank you so much.

Oh, my God.

Zombies? A three-picture deal?

I don't... I know I just blurted it out.

It's like a got EW-titis or something.

Well, sometimes you need to stretch the truth a little to get what you want.

So I took your advice, left the office, and struck up a conversation with an attractive man.

Wonderful. Wonderful. How did it go?

Surprisingly well.

We went out for drinks, and he introduced me to the Moscow Mule.

It's a delightful cocktail.

Sounds like you had a nice time.

Yes, I did.

I think you may actually know him.

Do I?

Yes, it's Richard Caldwell, the therapist in the office next door.

You went out for a drink with Dr. Caldwell?

I... I find that very inappropriate.

Oh, you may not know.

He's recently separated from his wife, so...

Oh, yeah, I know. She threw him out.

Excuse me.

Uh, yeah, all right.

Excuse me, I'm in session.

How dare you proposition one of my patients right outside of my office.

I should file an ethics complaint with the APA.

[laughs] I'm amazed you still have a license at all considering you were arrested for shoplifting.

You sleep here. In your office.

Only temporarily.

You wash your hair in the sink.

It's appalling.

At least I have hair.

Men, men, don't fight.

Okay, that's it. That's it. I'm telling management.

You can't sleep in your office; you're violating the terms of your lease.

Paul, there's nothing more pathetic than an adult tattletale.

No, what's pathetic is picking up a needy, vulnerable patient outside my office.

To be fair, I did engage him in conversation on your advice.

Diana, you have self-esteem and body image issues.

None of this is your fault.

However, if you continue to see Richard, our therapeutic relationship is over.

I understand.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

I wasn't making much progress with him anyways.

♪ ♪
♪ Now baby, baby, baby ♪
♪ Don't you try to run those game on me ♪
♪ I'm two steps ahead of you ♪

I'm worried about Kelsey.

You know, she's going a little off the rails for this guy.

I mean, the way she's hyping him...

Hey, a little hype never hurts.

Honestly, I'm not sure the book's that great.

I mean, the characters are relatable, but the writing is all over the place.

[laughs] That feels so good.

You're so slippery.

I'm slippery.

You know, I could just slip it in right now.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

Don't knock it till you try it.

You know, it can be mind-blowing for both of us.

Actually, you know what? I have tried it.

What?

With my ex-husband.

Seriously?

Yeah.

You know, when you've been married long enough, you try everything out of pure boredom.

Do you know what I'm talking about here?

Josh, your generation didn't invent a**l sex.

You just invented talking about it all the time.

Forget it.

Oh, sorry.

It's just not my thing.

Is it really that big of a deal?

No, I... I just feel like I can't compete with all the years you were married.

You know, nothing we do is ever gonna be new for you.

That's not true.

Come on.

I think it is.

I'm never gonna be your first time for anything.

[upbeat jazzy music]

♪ ♪

Good morning.

Coffee's ready.

Scrambled okay?

Yes, that would be nice.

I can't believe I slept so late, but then I remembered that we had quite a workout.

Yes, we did.

So I just heard from the landlord of my building.

They're evicting me.

What?

Yes, that passive-aggressive prick also known as your therapist blew the whistle on me about sleeping in my office.

Richard, I'm so sorry. I feel so responsible.

You have absolutely zero culpability.

These were my choices.

Thank you.

I was wondering though if you wouldn't mind if I stayed here for a few days, just until I find another place.

Uh, well, I don't know.

We just met, so...

I completely understand.

I'll be out of your hair this morning.

Thank you.

You know what I love to do over breakfast?

Talk about dreams, while they're still fresh.

You want me to tell you my dreams?

Indulge me?

All right, let's see.

Oh, I was on a stage shopping for a couch... oh, but for my old apartment...

And somehow it was raining.

Oh, oh, and I was also in the audience watching myself.

Wow, so much to unpack here.

The stage is your consciousness.

And that old soggy couch, that's your past you don't want to let go of.

But I do want to let go.

[chuckles]

I am happy to stay have you stay for a few days.

Whatever you want.

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

[phone chimes]

Hey, how was your weekend in Fire Island?

Well, I missed the ferry to Cherry Grove.

So I had to get off at the Pines.

What a nightmare.

Why?

Well, Cherry Grove is the girls' side of the island.

The Pines is the boys' side.

Oh, so you got off at the Pines dressed as a man.

That must have been interesting.

You have no idea.

I had to trek through the meat rack to get home.

The meat rack?

Use your imagination.

Anyway, this a horny guy started to follow me, so I had to rip my shirt off to scare him away.

Oh, yeah, I guess the last thing anybody wants to see is a rack in the rack.

[laughs] So how was your night with Josh?

Well, it started with a massage and ended with me leaving.

What happened? Did you have a fight?

Yeah.

I mean, on the surface, it was about sex, but really it was about Josh having a hard time with the idea that I've had this whole life before him.

Mm, I mean, the sex I can work with, but the fact that you've had a life before you met him is just something that he's gonna have to deal with.

Yeah, I think I know what I need to do.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Hey, you are not going to believe this, but EW online just ran an article on Millennial, and included a big excerpt from Colin's book.

Oh, my God. Amazing.

They must have really loved his book over there.

They write about him like he's the next big thing.

You trusted your gut on this guy.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks. Can you cover my phone?

I'm gonna go over to his place to celebrate.

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay.

Awesome.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Hey.

Hey.

Did you see EW?

I just did.

[laughs]

♪ ♪

Congratulations.

Are you sure you still want to celebrate with me?

What do you mean?

Oh, I guess you haven't talked to Redmond yet.

No, why?

Random House just offered me 1.2 million for the book.

Wait. We have a deal.

I just sent it to Redmond yesterday.

I know.

But nothing's been signed yet.

Colin, Millennial can't match that offer.

Excuse me.

Kels...

What the hell, Redmond?

Kelsey, I was just going to call you.

We had a deal.

No, you made an offer, and you asked me to be fair.

1.2 million? How did that even happen?

Well, after that EW article hit, there was a feeding frenzy.

Why did you give them the book without a signed deal?

You created this monster, Kels.

And as his agent, it is my fiduciary responsibility to get him the best deal.

This is not fair.

No it isn't fair. It's business.

Go to Charles and ask him if he'll go to 1.3.

I won't, and I can't.

You stabbed me in the back.

No, I did my job.

You overshared.

You made this happen for me, Kels, all right?

I won't take another offer, no matter what Redmond says.

And I wouldn't be here at all without you.

No, I'm not going to let you miss out on this.

I would never hold you back.

Whoa.

[laughs]

♪ Lord almighty, I feel my temperature rising ♪
♪ Higher, higher ♪
♪ It's burning through to my soul ♪
♪ Girl, girl, girl, girl you gonna set me on fire ♪

Just relax.

Don't fight it. Don't tense up.

You're just gonna feel a little prick.

It's okay.

I've given birth.

[laughs]

♪ Like the sweet song of a choir ♪

[tattoo needle buzzing]

Ow, ow, ow, ow. Don't...

Speak now. Are you sure you like it?

[sighs]

I love it.

It's us.

Living in the now.

So when we're together, it's like time has stopped.

[tattoo needle buzzing]

♪ You light my morning sky with burning love ♪