03x10 - Should She Stay or Should She Go

[bunniefuu]

Food, food!

Not our food.

Hey, we ordered before they did.

Hey, here's the thing... they tip.

Greetings, chaps.

What are you, the Not-So-Great Gatsby?

Those are nice binoculars.

What are you, looking at stuff?

These are for my bird-watching club.

Now that I'm single, I'm trying to meet women with similar interests in the hopes of finding my perfect mate.

Oh.

You're dating again.

Good... that's great.

Yes, I am able to since you broke up with me.

So... lucky me, I guess.

I didn't mean for it to sound like I...

I am just glad that you're able to date again after I...

Order up for Emily.

Oh, order up for me, gotta go.

So, have you met anyone yet?

Well, to be honest, it has been fairly slim pickings.

Woman: Felix!

You just missed a white breasted nuthatch!

Thank you, Muriel.

Muriel, these are my friends, who can keep their opinions to themselves.

Hello.

All: Hi.

Excuse me, I need to use the little girls' room.

An older lady, all right.

Can't put a price on experience, because that would cost a fortune.

Top-notch jibes, top-notch.

But it's not so easy looking for love, and I'm not going to find my soul mate by sitting at home and polishing my fiddle.

Which is not a euphemism.

Listen, dating doesn't have to be that complicated.

Watch.

(grunting)

I'm Michelle.

Want to get out of here?

Yeah, yeah.

You want me to write that down?

I'm good.

Okay.

Felix, there are a lot of ways to meet people.

In this new world, all you have to do is use technology.

What are you doing?

I just took your profile pic.

You just joined a new app called Seek-A-Boo.

No... I'm not going to search for women on the Internet like the way I shop for vintage German vacuum parts.

This app works.

I had three dates last week... steak, duck, and I'm seeing lobster again tonight.

Dating is a numbers game.

Do you know how many women I had to go through before I met Charlotte?

Yes... our bedrooms are right next to each other.

Muriel, may I escort you home?

Oh, Felix, I'm flattered, but I just don't see you that way.

Hey, babe.

Hey.

I'm headed up to my place.

Okay.

Oh, um...

I'll take a rain check.

I mean, you've brushed your teeth, I haven't.

It's not a level kissing field.

You know, if you want, you could leave your toothbrush here, right in this thing.

Felix says it's more than just a beer holder.

That's okay.

Oh, come on.

We've been dating each other for six months.

We've named each other's naughty parts.

Good morning, Dani.

I didn't hear the bad thing.

So you really don't want to leave your toothbrush here?

I've got my routine.

I'll see you later.

Bye, Dani.

Mmm.

What, "Mmm" about the toothbrush thing?

I don't want to get involved.

But you're saying there's something not to get involved in.

I'm not saying anything.

I'm just saying.

Well, well, say what you're saying.

Okay.

I was watching a nature program the other night, and when a penguin gives a pebble to another penguin, it signifies a serious commitment.

What?

I'm not sure Charlotte wants your pebble.

Oh, you don't know anything.

Charlotte and I are great.

Mmm.

What's wrong with my pebble?

Ah, checking out your new dating app, huh?

Well, curiosity got the better of me, but it's ridiculous.

I mean, how is one supposed to choose between thousands of random women?

As God intended... by physical appearance.

Oscar, that is no way to start a real, meaningful relationship.

Well, you shouldn't be looking to get into a relationship right now.

They're really confusing.

Is everything okay with Charlotte?

Yeah, I think so.

Women are very hard to read.

Just like books.

I'm looking for that one to curl up with for the rest of my life.

No, don't be looking to settle down right now.

You should just go out, meet someone, and have a good time.

If, by "good time," you mean casual sex...

I do.

...then count me out.

I have never had a one-night stand, and I don't intend to start right now.

And what are you doing?

Look at her.

She seems nice.

Well, yes, but how do I know if we have anything in common?

Well, you're about to find out.

You're meeting her for drinks tonight.

I can't go on a date with some strange woman.

Well, you could stand her up, but that wouldn't be very gentlemanly.

Oscar, there is no way...

Here's a picture of her in a bikini.

Well, I am a gentleman.

Uh, Eve?

Yes.

Hello.

I am Felix Unger, from the Internet.

Can I get you something to drink?

Gin and tonic.

I will have same, with just a passing mention of lime.

Little bit of lime.

So, your profile said you're a photographer.

You know, Eve, I thought, um, instead of small talk tonight, we could try this.

It is a series of 36 questions designed by a psychologist to accelerate intimacy and determine long-term compatibility.

Oh, I don't know if I want to do that.

Question number one.

When did you last weep, and why?

Thank you.

Could you get started on my next one, please?

Oh, question 17... this is a fun one.

Have you ever thought about how and when you will die?

Yeah, since question three.

I need to go to the ladies' room.

Oh.

I'll be right back.

Oh, she's just going to the bathroom.

Oh, God, I hope not, because she's out there on the sidewalk.

Oh, well, maybe she needed some fresh air.

She's waving at a taxi.

She probably knows that taxi driver.

And now she's getting in the taxi.

And the taxi's driving away.

You may remove her drink.

By the way, climbing a volcano.

I'm sorry, what?

Question 12... what's the wildest thing you ever did?

Oh, really?

Yeah.

A volcano.

How daring.

Oh, I'm-I'm Felix, by the way.

Natasha.

(both gasp)

I think I have a new answer for question 12.

(whoops)

(yodeling)

Say, Felix?

Didn't we have the yodeling conversation?

Sorry, Oscar, it's just hard to contain my jubilance.

Ah, your date went well.

Well, you know that I never kiss and tell, but I had sex last night, which involved a lot of kissing, and now I am telling you.

Congratulations, buddy.

My first one-night stand.

I'm a hound.

Hey, don't forget, I'm the one who picked her out.

So I hope you thought of me last night while you two were...

Never mind.

Actually, Oscar, it wasn't the woman you picked.

She wasn't my type.

Ran out on you, did she?

Like there was a fire drill.

But then I struck up a conversation with the bartendress.

sh*t down, and he soldiers on and gets up to make me breakfast.

Actually, no.

This is for Natasha and me.

She's still here?

And you're making her breakfast?

That's not the way one-night stands work.

You don't feed 'em.

Oscar, I'm a gentleman, and as such I can't allow a guest to leave without offering them a proper meal.

Hey...

Natasha, this is my roommate, Oscar.

Hey...

Your place is amazing.

I share a shoebox with, like, three other people.

34, and I've got a bathtub in my kitchen, what?

Anyway, fun night, Felix.

I'll see you around.

Natasha?

Don't.

Felix: Would you care to...

Do not.

...stay for breakfast?

You did.

Sure.

I mean, who turns down a free meal?

Wonderful.

Oh, Felix, this looks really nice.

Well, thank you for saying so.

See, it's fine.

Make it quick... one egg and out.

Well.

I hope you like fresh-squeezed orange juice.

Sneak a little vodka in there, you've got yourself a deal!

Seems like the coast is clear.

Did Natasha egg it and leg it?

(chuckles) Came up with that one on the walk home.

Actually, um...

Oh... my... God!

That whirlpool bathtub was fantastic!

I almost just proposed to one of your air jets.

You're still here, and you're bathing.

You know what?

It is such a beautiful day out, I think I'm gonna go lay out on the balcony for a while.

Lie... objects lay, people lie.

Okay, cool.

So when's the wedding?

What am I supposed to do? I can't get her to leave.

That's why you're not supposed to feed them!

Now she's topless... she's on the balcony without a top!

Hey, Oscar, we need to call the network...

Nope, don't need to see that.

I'm not going to get my eyes clawed out.

Damn my chivalry!

I am too nice to get rid of her.

Luckily, I'm not.

Natasha, may I speak to you for a moment?

What up, dude?

I just think it might be breast if... best if you were to...

Charlotte: Oscar?

Oh, my God, it's Charlotte!

Who's Charlotte? Hi!

Get down!

Get down!

Not what it looks like.

That's Felix's one-night stand, and I was not staring at her chest.

Except for one, but that's it.

Okay, I believe you.

You do?

'Cause I'm telling the truth, and I don't even buy it.

It's okay.

You can stare at naked women all day if you want.

You don't care?

What's going on with you?

Nothing... what?

Well, first you won't leave your toothbrush here, then you don't mind if I'm staring at another woman's breasts, which I did not, except for one.

Are you checking out of our relationship?

No.

Okay.

I did get a little rattled when you asked me to leave my toothbrush here.

Why? What, what do you think I'm gonna do with it?

Nothing.

It's just leaving my toothbrush here and getting upset if you stare at another woman... they're signs that we're getting serious.

And the last serious relationship I was in was my marriage, and I got crushed, and I just want to be careful.

Look, I got b*rned by my last divorce, too.

Literally, she... she threw soup at me.

(laughs)

But let's not let our past screw up our future.

Okay, I will gladly leave my toothbrush here.

And as for looking at breasts, eyes down here, buddy.

Allow me to take you all out to lunch.

Oh, good, you are robed.

That makes sense.

It is getting awfully late.

I agree.

You do?

Yes!

It's lunchtime.

I'm starving.

Ooh!

Chips and salsa?

I didn't know you were Spanish.

Oh, Natasha, you know, it's funny... there's so much that I don't know about you.

Like, um, oh, anything.

For example, if you were to go home right now, how would you do that?

By, um, subway or taxi or...

Could you open this for me?

(grunting)

Wow.

So strong.

Yes, I do Pilates.

And, um... hot yoga.

You're, like, the nicest guy ever.

I know.

Charlotte: Here we go.

I was scared of combining our lives, but knowing you want it as much as I do makes me feel good.

Here's to our future together.

(jail cell door sliding, then clanging shut)

We did it!

We sure did!

Oh, my God, what have I done?

Hiya, hot stuff!

Well.

It is nice to see you in the hand-woven dress shirt that I was saving for a special occasion.

Hey, you're still here.

And you're wearing a shirt... that's new.

Oh, sorry, babe, I didn't know you were there.

Yeah, I'm always here.

Just like you are.

And your toothbrush.

Oh, you brought your own toothbrush?

That's so smart.

I just borrowed Felix's.

Nope, keep it... just keep it.

You know, I was thinking maybe I should leave a few other things here, like some face wash, maybe a robe.

Oh, a robe.

So now we're in my closet.

That's nice.

Felix, maybe I should leave some stuff here.

(gasps)

Oh, and I could bring my dog, too!

Of course then I'd have to bring my cat.

They're like brother and sister.

There you go... nice quick breakfast bar.

Don't want you to be late for work.

Oh, no worries, I took the day off so I could hang with my baby.

Please tell me you have an actual baby.

And maybe I could leave some almond milk in your fridge.

And now you're in my kitchen.

Are you okay?

No.

No, no, I'm not!

You're smothering me, you're smothering me!

What?

Baby, they don't have what we have.

Agreed.

I'm just going to check on him very quickly.

Oh.

Hello, all.

Ah, you can have my seat, Felix.

I'm gonna call it a day.

Okay.

I was actually just stretching.

You know what, sure.

Well, I think I shall join you all in quaffing a cold one.

You don't quaff beer.

He's avoiding Natasha.

(laughs)

That is silly and very accurate.

Felix, you haven't kicked that girl to the curb yet?

Oh, I can't... to be honest, I've never ended it with a woman before.

I usually become overbearing, and they leave me, if you can believe that.

I can.

So, what am I supposed to do?

Felix, the way you break up with someone is by being brutally honest.

Like last night, I said, "Dear, I'm only on this date because I want that lobster."

Well, I hope you did it after dinner.

I'm honest, not stupid.

No, no, Felix, you've got to trick them with flattery.

You know, like, "Baby, you could do so much better than me.

You're an African queen."

(laughs)

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

We're sharing with Felix how we break up with somebody.

Oh.

Well, I probably shouldn't be the one...

I really don't...

Oh, what's that, table five, more mustard?

Coming right up.

I just... I don't know what to do. This is insane.

What's wrong with me?

There's nothing wrong with you.

You were right... you're just not a one-night stand kind of guy.

Yes, I think we all know that, except for the squatter in my apartment.

I get that... you're looking for more than sex.

You're looking for someone to spend your life with.

Right.

Someone who drives you crazy and makes you do dumb things, but you can't picture your life without her.

Want to go talk to her?

Yeah, I think so.

I think you owe $12.25.

And your portion of the onion rings.

Dummy, we're having a moment here.

Always has his moments when the damn bill comes.

(Natasha laughing)

Ah, the Real Housewives are on.

Natasha?

Felix.

Park it right here.

How about you give my feets a rub?

You know, you may want to get that little gray toe looked at.

Oh.

Natasha...

Oh.

I am going to be brutally honest with you.

Um, as it turns out, I guess I am just not the sort of person who is comfortable hopping into bed with virtual strangers.

Are you calling me a slut?

No, no, no, no... no, you're great.

What I meant to say was...

Baby, you could do so much better than me.

You're a African queen.

Oh, did you take one of the pills from my purse?

Okay, please leave.

Get out, get out, get out, be gone, you foul temptress!

What is wrong with you?

You're crazy!

Dude, I was ready to leave two days ago, but you asked me to stay for breakfast.

You told me to take a bath and lay out on the balcony!

I gave you a Jacksonville jiggler, which, you know, puts a lot of strain on my lower back.

(groans)

I have never been so happy to leave and go back to my boyfriend.

I did it.

She's gone.

Felix, you old heartbreaker.

Oscar, what are you doing?

I'm going to show you something that you're really going to like.

You've said that before with mixed results.

It's your own shelf.

For all your mysterious lady things.

Okay, Oscar, what is going on?

First you want to get closer, and then you run away.

Well, that's because you drive me crazy.

I drive you crazy?

Yeah.

Because I realized that I love you, Charlotte.

And that's why I do all these stupid things, because...

I've fallen in love with you.

Are you going to say anything back?

Is it coming anytime soon?

I love you, too, Oscar.

Oh, good, because I was just going to take it back.