03x05 - Season 3, Episode 5

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Anyway, they said that he could whistle in three octaves.

He d*ed whistling.

And when they opened him up at the postmortem, the last three notes came out.

Did they recognise the tune?

Well, the pathologist said it sounded like acute cardiac Moon River.

I thought he d*ed of old age.

Yeah, well, there was that, too. Mm-hm.

Hey, you want something else to think about? Hmm?

The guy at the Post Office said there's a load of forged banknotes knocking about. Huh?

How do you tell? And why has Granville gone white?

Hardly detectable.

Except by experts.

Oh!

Oh...

(Horn parps)

Agh! Agh! Oh!

(He pants)

Oh! We need a van.

I mean, this is humiliating at my age.

I should be mobile. I see me in aviator sunglasses, reclining on leather upholstery, room inside for selected customers.

Don't pressure your father while he's hyperventilating.

What's wrong? His money belt's just developed a murmur.

It's all right, I'll be all right in a minute.

It's just everything went, like, a funny colour.

Especially around the bit that says, "I promise to pay the bearer." Ooh!

(Locks click)

(He sighs)

Don't you go snapping at me!

You save that for any forged notes.

If any slip past me, I want you spitting them out.

We need a vehicle. You can take that off, I get the message.

Does that mean we'll get a vehicle? No, it means I get the message.

I can't keep borrowing one. We've got to get our own.

You've got to get me off that shop bike.

Look at me, I'm saddle sore!

Doesn't show.

I'm walking bow-legged!

Large, friendly dogs could walk straight through!

And what unfriendly dogs could do, I shudder to think.

Anyway, we manage perfectly well without a vehicle.

While all the time, I'm offering my nether regions as a hostage to fortune!

Just like your mother.

And you said last year you'd think about it.

Well, I AM thinking about it.

Well, while you're at it, think about that big wheel of cheese you bought.

Still in there, stinking out the warehouse.

Releasing its noble flavour.

They don't like it, they all say it's too hard.

(Bell rings)

Oh...

Ah, Madge's boyfriend. Ha-ha! How are you today, Gastric?

She sees me, she goes, "Eugh!"

But she doesn't do it to anyone else.

Shows you how special you are.

Right. I want bacon and sausage, eggs and beans, please.

Right, and cheese to follow?

Cheese? Yeah, cheese.

It's all right, we've got plenty, don't panic.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

I don't know...

What's wrong with it?

You'd better give me another one as a spare, just in case.

How long are you going to be nasty about it?

Well, I was thinking, maybe ALWAYS.

Your brother gets me into more trouble than your mother does.

Have you no compassion?

His heart is broken!

Ah, but in fairness, I don't think his head's fully functioning.

And just remember, who, on their day off, took him out and looked after him? You call that looking after him?!

I said take him out and amuse him.

Not lose him!

Don't think it was easy!

He took some losing.

Why do you dislike our Lester?

I don't dislike your Lester.

I just dislike your Lester being here.

He misses his wife.

I miss mine.

Oh, don't start.

Oh, come on.

How can you keep running that iron over me undies and not feel playful?

(Hissing)

It's ten o'clock in the morning. Get real!

I have been seriously misled about the joys of togetherness!

Ooh!

(Bell rings)

Hello, Mavis. Hello, Granville.

Oh, I love the way you say, "Hello, Granville". It gets me every time.

It's just a "Hello, Granville."

No, it's not, it's the Mona Lisa of Hello, Granvilles.

So, what have you come in the shop for, some cheese?

Oh, I'm sorry. Naughty, you shouldn't have said that.

You get a free pass.

What were you doing down there behind the counter? Oh?

Well, I was looking for your lost earring.

But I haven't lost one.

No, that's because I haven't got you behind here yet.

You make me blush! I've got a cure for that.

I wish.

It's down here somewhere, along with that earring you've lost.

Ha-ha, ha-ha.

Come and help me look?

Someone always comes in.

I know, it's the grocer's lottery.

We always live on the edge.

Look, we really do need a van, cos I... Oh, get out!

It's none of my business - this thing between you and Mrs Featherstone...

I don't see it as a thing.

It's illegal! I've been kidnapped.

She doesn't keep me locked up, but it's there.

You must be very attractive to women.

Me? I let the hair grow in me ears, I wear long underwear!

In summer? Well, lightweight in summer.

No, no! You must have something.

You come out the blue and she makes a beeline for you.

You're some kind of... honeypot for women.

You wish to hear my secret fantasy?

Now we're getting somewhere!

I wish to drive the Flying Scotsman.

You won't give it up, will you?

You've got the secret and you're keeping it.

I'll tell you what I am doing - I'm toughening up.

I intend to rid myself of Mrs Featherstone.

Come along, Mr Newbould. You'll need your car to take me into town.

See ya.

So, you want to know the secret of Mr Newbould's power over the ladies?

I don't know about ladies, I thought it was just Mrs Featherstone.

Oh! No, no, no. He's got them all over.

He's known as The Bull down at the bowling club.

Bull Newbould? Mm-hm!

I knew he was trying to hold out on me! Ha-ha!

Tells me he wears long underwear.

Oh, no. Jockeys. Practically a thong.

Lying old fraud! He-he!

Does Mrs Featherstone know about his, er, extra bowling activities?

Shh, shh! No, no, no, no, you mustn't say a word.

She'd k*ll him! Hey, his secret's safe with me.

I'm tight as a drum. My missus calls me The Clamp.

Anyway, let's get down to it. So, what is this secret?

Well, it is a little underrated dairy product that I keep for him.

But if you could keep your mouth shut...

I'm a clam, me.

I can only whisper it.

Go on, then. Go 'ead.

Cheese.

Cheese? Shh!

Cheese. Cheese? Yes. Oh!

Is it some sort of special cheese, not ordinary cheese?

It's all got this powerful effect on... certain hormones.

It's what you said about the Marmite.

It never worked for me.

No, that was because you were in such a hurry, weren't you?

I mean, you wouldn't wait until Venus was in configuration with Mars!

It was the only weekend her mother was away.

Well, you can't push these things.

There are limits, even to Marmite.

But... Cheese, you will be pleased to hear, works any evening after 7pm.

They, say if you eat cheese late, you can't sleep.

And I'm saying, if you do eat cheese late, you won't WANT to sleep.

Oh?

Er, not yet. I'll tell you when.

I thought we might take this quiet moment to agree some small advance in our relationship.

Well, it seems to have advanced pretty rapidly to me.

But I've kept you at arm's length, Mr Newbould.

Which has always been my custom in the first flush of an entanglement.

Arm's length is fine by me, I'm really quite...

You've been very good, you've held yourself in check, it's not gone unnoticed. And, as a reward, I think it's time to release you a little from full restraint.

What do you have in mind? Oh, nothing as far as that!

No, I thought I might just allow you a few minor shows of affection.

Are you sure? I mean, I'm quite...

Nothing radical! A peck on the cheek, you could take my arm occasionally...

I don't want you leaping on me!

(Drilling)

Look at me. Hmm?

I'm bow-legged!

I've had a word with Gastric.

You know he dabbles in second-hand vehicles?

Well, I've got one coming for us to look at.

Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!

Hey, all right!

Don't do that, I don't know where they've been.

What are you drilling?

Cheese.

Oh, right, as you do.

Yes, well, they don't like the hard variety, so I thought to see how they'd get on with the Yorkshire Swiss kind.

Yeah. Right.

Swiss.

Thank you. Oh, haven't you got anything smaller?

Er, sorry. It is possible, Mrs Hussein, that you have been given a forged note.

What would happen then? I would just have to give it back to you.

Well, wouldn't that mean that YOU were passing forged notes?

No, it would mean that I'm refusing to accept it.

I could come back later, when you've finished. Right...

I think this one's all right, yeah.

You don't look too sure.

You never can be too sure, as a grocer, with all the wickedness out there.

Oh, you've heard about her at number 14, then?

So, I'm busy in the kitchen....

(Drier whirs)

..and the door opens and Eric pops his head round and he gives me this look and he says...

(like Eric): "Why don't we eat more cheese?!"

..slams the door and he's gone!

Have you had him looked at lately?

Where would you start?

Is your Eric sleeping?

I've no idea.

He's in the other bedroom.

He's on punishment detail.

Oh? Your mother, I say, your mother would be proud.

What's he done? Is it specific, or just tactical?

He lost my brother.

Ooh! Shows initiative.

How did he manage that?

He left him in B&Q, looking at the lawn mowers.

Eric said he forgot him.

You can forget people.

I forget people.

Not in B&Q!

Some people are easy to forget.

My third husband was a natural, you could forget him anywhere.

I used to wake up sometimes in a panic and think, "Who's this?"

(They giggle)

(He blows)

(Razor buzzes)

Ah! Ha-ha-ha.

(Bell rings)

Ah! Listen, the only thing I can find for you, at your price...

I'll take it. Well, you'd better have a look at it first.

Well, of course I'll have a look at it.

You don't think I'd throw money away, do you?

Well, if you did, it would be on a piece of elastic.

You smell of diesel. Of course I smell of diesel!

What decent, practical bloke doesn't smell of diesel?

Ohh! What's that?

25p. Eh?

Right, now, put that on, so we don't spoil the surprise.

Come along, yeah.

Right this way.

Not long now.

Ha-ha-ha.

Does he realise she's clapped out?

Shh!

Right, you stay there, won't be a moment.

Listen, don't say it was clapped out, just say, um, it's a good little runner, but needs a bit of attention.

Hello? Shut up, we're coming!

Now, did you fill the t*nk up? Not for what you're paying!

I wouldn't overdo it, for a start.

I should build the fuel up gradually, let her get used to the weight.

Right.

Hello? We're coming!

I'm going to take his bucket off.

So, I want you to stand by the van and look proud, OK? Right.

All right, now, stand by.

I don't want you rushing around the countryside, driving like a lunatic.

Are you ready? Here comes the surprise.

Yes! Ooh! Oh?

Ta-da!

Hee-hee-hee.

Can I have my bucket back, please?

No.

Don't worry about the bodywork. That's just, um, cosmetic.

A touch of paint. Well, it had better be a light touch, Gastric, or you'll be through what's left of the metal!

More tea? Sit still.

You go flying out into that kitchen and I don't see you for half an hour.

What do you do out there? I make the tea.

A person could dehydrate.

I think you go out there and deliberately dawdle.

The kettle has to boil.

Well, I don't see any signs of steam arising from you.

Are you afraid of me, Mr Newbould?

I wouldn't say...

But then again, perhaps I would.

Yes, I would.

You terrify me.

Excellent.

I can sense the progress since we began. What began?

When did we begin?

One moment I was living alone.

Now look at me.

Are those the socks you wore last week?

Well, they have been washed in the interim.

Those are very old widower's socks, Mr Newbould.

They are joyless socks.

They do not say life has regained its sparkle.

I will not buy sparkling socks.

Well, you'll have to do better than those.

That is not one of the 50 shades of grey everybody's talking about.

(He sighs)

Right, well, how do I get this seat forward? I don't know.

Well, there's probably a lever down there, I think. Yes, right.

Oh, yeah, got it.

THUD!

So, I... Huh?

Oh, there you are. All right, come on, that way.

Yeah, there you go. You were a bit urgent there.

Yes, it's on a ratchet, you'll feel it click in.

What I feel is embarrassed!

Well, what we need is the manual.

There should be a driver's manual here somewhere.

For something this age? It'll be in Latin!

Ha-ha, in Latin!

Very good. Um, no, it'll be in the glove compartment, won't it?

It's a bit, um... Oh, it just probably needs just a screw.

Give it to Gastric, will you?

Right, um...

Well, why don't we, er... you know, start her up, eh?

(Engine struggles)

(Loud bang)

Yeah, she's trying.

(It struggles then bangs again)

She's trying.

(It struggles then bangs again)

She's still trying.

(Engine starts)

Hey!

She's off!

She's... Yes!

She's off and running.

Sounds sweet enough, doesn't it, once she settles down?

Well, you've got everything here, haven't you?

Look at this! You've got heating, look, and air conditioning, eh?

So, whilst I'm in the shop, you know, sweating away, you'll be swanning around being like, you know, Mr Cool, yeah?

Go on, give it a try. Air con, go on.

Oh! Ah, ah!

Hey, hey!

No, that's... Switch it off! Switch it off!

Hey! Ah! Ah!

Well, it is cool, isn't it?

Freezing! Yeah.

Oh, right.

Anyway, let's, um, let's reverse her out of the yard, shall we?

Give her a run down the road.

Handbrake off...

When I said take it off, I didn't mean, you know, TAKE IT OFF, did I?

Give it to... Gastric?

All right, that's it! What?

Well, you're buying too cheap.

(He turns the engine off)

Rubbish! Correct.

Oh! Agh! Agh!

Agh! Agh-agh! Oh!

No, no. No! No! Take her back.

I had this dream - leather upholstery, smooth, glossy paintwork.

Not something that looks like a four-wheeled carrot!

(Grunts of pain)

You must have another vehicle that you can't get rid of that would suit our needs?

Huh?

There, look at these noble lines.

Look at the polish on her.

She looks all right from front.

Then again, so does she at number 14.

Yeah, well, imagine her surprise when you turn up in this!

Yeah, I can imagine.

Hey, I never knew that about cheese.

Oh, the Government keeps it quiet.

They're worried about overpopulation.

So, how much do you want? Oh, I'll take the whole piece.

Oh, right!

Ha-ha!

Oh, doesn't anybody have the right change any more?

Well, I can come back tomorrow. No, it's OK. I'll check it.

Oh, they've started talking to you now!

They must know who's their biggest fan.

I reserve the right to return this if it isn't kosher.

Well, if it's coming back, don't wear it out.

Sign there.

So I know where it's come from.

Well, it came from you, 20 minutes ago! Oh, ha-ha!

(Bell rings)

That thing is going to ruin my love life.

Most people's love life works perfectly satisfactorily on leather upholstery.

Not if you can't even get them inside!

(Bell rings)

I hope it's... no-one close.

Eh? The hearse outside!

OK, OK, so it looks a bit too much like what it was.

But it's beautiful. Pfft! He means cheap.

It just needs commercialising.

A few adverts on it, you know, to make it our own.

Right, so, Gastric, you go and get your tools.

Cyril, you will help him, right? Oh, I was just passing.

I really ought to get back... Oh, don't fight it, Cyril.

You've been conscripted. Oh.

And apparently, he left his undies behind, with his initials on!

Well, if you get that close to a man, you ought to know what his name is.

Initials are a bit unnecessary. It's like wearing a number plate.

Well, I can't see the point of initials.

If there was a whole chapter, at least you'd have something to read.

Oh, I can't read in bed. The cat objects.

I like Eric to read in bed.

I've always got a spare book ready, just in case he finishes one.

You should train your husband. I trained all mine.

What were you training them for?

Well, I wasn't entering them for anything.

It's like climbing Everest, you do it because they're there.

Mine was rarely there.

Which is the nicest thing he ever did for me. Cheers!

All: Cheers!

(They giggle)

It was like catching the wrong bus, when I got married.

As soon as I saw his initials on his pyjamas, I knew who he was really in love with.

You see more than initials. Some people have tattoos where nobody's any business sticking their nib in.

Eric wanted one. A dagger!

I said, "Eric, start with something you know. You know, like a pencil with a rubber on the end."

(Laughter)

You can get some that, if you jiggle them about, they look like they're moving!

They're called husbands.

I think I can honestly say all of mine went to their graves unmarked.

On the outside, anyway.

Leroy? How's the shop?

The new van is fine.

Well, it's a classic vehicle.

I've got a few more errands to run, and then I'll be back.

'Well, we got them to the church on time in the end. Although they looked a bit agitated while I sorted my cardboard from my plastics. I don't know why our Leroy has taken against it. I thought the young were all in favour of plenty of room in the back.'

Have you got any special offers?

Yes, I have. Fresh in today.

Oh, my favourite kind. Come on.

(They giggle)

'I wonder if I could interest Mavis in that last bit of cheese. Maybe it does have powerful effects after all. Hee-hee.'