05x09 - Perspectives On Christmas

[bunniefuu]

ACT ONE

A ROOM WITH FOUR VIEWS


Scene One - Frasier's Bathroom
The Bathroom is dark, lit only by candles.
Martin is having a massage. He tells his story.

Martin: Ow! Easy.
Masseur: Sorry, your neck is tight.
Martin: Yeah, well, it's been a tense couple of days.
Masseur: The holidays'll do that to you.
Martin: Yeah well, this has been the worst Christmas ever. It all
started yesterday...

DISSOLVE TO: Frasier's Apartment. Martin and Frasier are decorating
the tree by the balcony. Niles is making a small decoration whilst
sipping his eggnog.

Martin: You know the only part about Christmas I don't like? How
quickly it's all over!
Frasier: Yes. Come December 26th, it's all just a memory. With
nothing but your light decorating touch to remind us.

Daphne enters the room with Eddie. She watches the scene,
unknowingly under the mistletoe.

Daphne: Afternoon, all!
Martin: Oh, hi Daphne!
Niles: Oh! That's awfully dangerous, Daphne, standing there under
that mistletoe.
Frasier: That's enough eggnog, Niles! [takes his cup away]
Daphne: You know, the oddest thing just happened. [Niles takes
Daphne's coat, sniffing the fragrances] I was walking Eddie
past that church over on Chestnut. And he turned to go
inside, like he assumed that was where we were going.
Frasier: That's strange! He did exactly the same thing with me
yesterday when I was walking him.
Daphne: Any idea why he would do that, Mr. Crane?
Martin: Look, that dog's always doing weird things! Yesterday, when
we were taking our bath together, Eddie spent fifteen straight
minutes pushing the soap around with his nose like an otter.
It's weird! [goes into the kitchen]
Frasier: Yes, if he gets any weirder, we'll have to send "Eddie" to a
home.

Frasier follows Martin into the kitchen. Martin begins to pour
himself some eggnog. Niles and Daphne stay in the living room.

Frasier: Well, I'm off, I've got all my Christmas shopping to do yet.
Martin: All of it?
Frasier: Yes, well, I'm determined not to settle this year. I want my
gifts to be remembered and cherished long after the holidays.
Martin: Well, you know, nothing is cherished quite so much as the gift
of laughter.
Frasier: If you want that "Highway Patrol Bloopers" tape, you're gonna
have to buy it yourself! [Martin starts to take a sip]
Oh, Dad! You're not going to drink that that way, are you?
Martin: Why?

Frasier opens the cupboard and takes out some spices to enflavor
Martin's egg-nog.

Frasier: My Goodness, the first mistake in eggnog preparation is
failing to garnish it properly with a dash of nutmeg.
[Frasier sprinkles some on] There we are.
Martin: Oh!

Martin takes a sip and spits it out in a fit of coughing.
Frasier checks the jar.

Frasier: Of course, the second mistake is placing the paprika next to
the nutmeg on the spice shelf.
Daphne: [calls from the living room.] Mr. Crane, are you alright?
Frasier: We're fine, Daphne! You all right, Dad?
Martin: Yeah, I'm fine. Listen Frasier, before you go, can I talk
to you for a minute?
Frasier: Well sure, what is it?
Martin: Well, you know what Daphne was talking about? There is a
reason Eddie knows that church. I've been taking him there.
Frasier: I guess the family that bathes together prays together.
Martin: Well, no. But there's this priest, Father Curtis, he got to
know Eddie in the park and he asked if they could use him for
the Christmas pageant and I said sure. Well, the next thing
I know, he's roped me in to play a shepherd. Well then,
Dutch Gaansvort comes down with bronchitis and I get promoted
to a wise man...
Frasier: Dad, is there a point to this story looming somewhere on the
horizon?
Martin: As a wise man, I have to sing a song. I said, well that was
fine, but this song's a k*ller. I'm going to humiliate
myself!
Frasier: Oh well, maybe you just need a little rehearsal. Why don't
we work on it tonight?
Martin: Really? Do you think that would help?
Frasier: Sure! You're a good singer, you're just a little rusty.
Start around eight?
Martin: OK. Yeah, I am a good singer! Remember those old family
picnics when I used to belt out "What's New, Pussycat"?
Frasier: We'll start around seven, then. [walks out]
Niles, hold the elevator!

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment
Later, the Crane Boys are at the piano, when Martin enters holding
his song book.

Martin: Hey boys, this is that song I was telling you about, "Oh Holy
Night," do you know it?
Frasier: Well, of course Dad, it's a classic. My God, it all builds
up to that one glorious note. "Oh night, [high] de-viiiine,
oh..."
Martin: Yes, yes, that's the note I can't hit. I practice in my room
and Eddie ends up burying his head under the pillow.
Niles: Don't worry, Dad, we'll get you there.
Martin: All right, can we just can this done? I want to get it all
finished before Daphne gets back. I don't want her to know
anything about this or she'll insist on coming down to the
pageant, and I'm nervous enough as it is.
Frasier: Fine.
Niles: [sits at piano] Let's just see what we have to work with.
Why don't you start here, "Oh night," and I want to hear you
really att*ck the note. [plays]
Martin: [singing:] Oh night,
When Christ was born.
Oh night di-viiiine!!

Martin sings di-viiiine badly and Eddie ends up burying his head
under the pillow on the Armchair.

Niles: Sometimes the note sees the att*ck coming and retreats!

The person in the upstairs apartment pounds through the ceiling.

Martin: Shut up! This bozo upstairs, he bangs on the floor every time
I start to sing.
Frasier: Just ignore him, Dad. I tell you what, there is another
vocal exercise I remember, it was very useful to me when
I was singing Colonel Fairfax in "Yeoman Of The Guard."
The principal is to distract yourself with a physical
exercise, thus freeing the voice. You hit one note and
you slide up the octave as you descend slowly into a
crouched position. Observe.

Frasier does this.

Frasier: You see? It works.
Niles: That's very interesting. I wonder if the reverse is true.

So, he starts in a crouched position and slides down an octave as he
stands up. The mad couple do this for a while, creating a strange
sight.

Frasier: Try it, Dad.
Martin: No, I'm afraid with three of us doing it, it might look
stupid.
Niles: I'm starting to think your problem is all psychological.
No, no, no, I think you've convinced yourself you can't reach
the note...
Martin: Yeah, I've convinced the guy upstairs too!
Frasier: No, I think Niles may be right, Dad. You just need some
positive reinforcement. Let's try it again. This time,
try to eliminate any negative thoughts. Let's go again,
Niles, "Fall on your knees."

Martin sings the carol, whilst Niles & Frasier (through fixed smiles)
throw in some positive encouragement.

Martin: "Fall on your knees..."
Frasier: I hear sweet music!
Martin: "Oh, hear the angels' voices..."
Niles: I hear one angel!
Martin: "Oh, night divine..."
Frasier: Something's divine!
Niles: Yeah, Dad!
Martin: "Oh night, when Christ was born..."
Frasier: A star is born!
Martin: "Oh, night..."
Frasier: Bring it home now!

But even that doesn't work and Martin fails again, cracking apart on
"divine" - causing Eddie to bury his head under the pillow and the
man above to bang on the ceiling again.

All: Oh, shut up!

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Bathroom
Now it's Daphne's turn for the Masseur. She begins her story.

Masseur: Your shoulders are awfully tight.
Daphne: Yeah, it's been a stressful few days.
Masseur: I'd be happy to listen.
Daphne: Oh, no... well, it started yesterday. I had something on my
mind. Lucky for me, Dr. Crane's brother was over. He's
always been such a good friend to me...

DISSOLVE TO: replay of Scene One: the scene is set the same way as
before. Martin and Frasier are decorating the tree by the balcony.
Niles is making a small decoration whilst sipping his eggnog.
Daphne enters the room with Eddie. She watches the scene, unknowingly
under the mistletoe.

Daphne: Afternoon, all!
Martin: Oh, hi Daphne!
Niles: Oh, that's awfully dangerous, Daphne, standing under that
mistletoe. A piece could fall into your eye.
Frasier: Let me freshen your drink, Niles! [takes his cup away]
Daphne: Thank you, Dr. Crane. The oddest thing just happened. [Niles
takes Daphne's coat] I was walking Eddie past that church over
on Chestnut, and he turned to go inside, like he assumed that
was where we were going.
Frasier: That's strange! He did exactly the same thing yesterday when
I was walking him.
Daphne: Any idea why he would do that, Mr. Crane?
Martin: Nope! [shrugs] Dogs are weird!

Frasier and Martin enter the kitchen. Niles and Daphne stay in the
living room and begin chatting.

Daphne: You know, that worries me a bit.
Niles: What does?
Daphne: Well, I think your father's been going to that church. I had
an uncle who did the same thing. He had no interest in church
his whole life. Then he started going everyday. It turns out
he had some bad health news from his doctor. He didn't even
last a year.
Niles: Well, first of all, I can see you're upset, so come here.
[they hug]
Daphne: Thank you, Dr. Crane, you're always so supportive!
Niles: And second of all, I think you're worrying over nothing.
I've never known my father to have so much as a hangnail
without letting everyone know about it.
Daphne: That's true. Maybe I just got myself worked up remembering
my Uncle John.
Niles: Look at you, just saying his name gets you upset. Come here.
Daphne: Well, I'm fine!
Niles: No, no, you need a hug.
Daphne: Oh, all right.

As they hug, Martin coughs in the kitchen because of the eggnog.

Daphne: Mr. Crane, are you alright?
Frasier: [worried] We're... fine, Daphne.
Niles: See, nothing to worry about. Well, I have got to run.
Frasier: [coming out] Oh, hold the elevator, Niles! See you soon, Daphne.
Daphne: Bye!
Frasier: And, uh, Dad? [hurries to the door] Listen, don't worry.
We'll... Niles and I will... be there for you.

They leave. Now Daphne is very worried. Martin comes out.

Daphne: What's that about?
Martin: Oh, never mind! Well, I gotta go lie down.
Daphne: Mr. Crane, did you ever call Dr. Stuart, for the results of
your physical?
Martin: Em, sure, couple of days ago.
Daphne: And?
Martin: Em, fine. Come on, Eddie.

He pauses and looks at the tree.

Daphne: Is everything all right?
Martin: Oh yeah. It's just all over so fast!

As he goes to his room, Daphne holds back the tears.

Daphne: [v.o.] Well, that was enough to convince me I was right.
And the next 24 hours were a living hell! The worst came
the next day...

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene Four - Apartment
Martin is on the phone to the church about the pageant as Daphne
enters with a shopping bag.

Martin: Well, you know, I'm terrified about this, Father. All this
came around so sudden. I'm not prepared. Now tell me again
what I'm supposed to say when I see Jesus the first time? OK.
All right. Well, thank you. Yeah, see you soon, bye.

He puts the phone down. Daphne holds back her tears again.

Martin: Oh hi, Daphne!
Daphne: [brave smile] Hello! I'm just so excited about the gift I
just got for you, Mr. Crane.
Martin: Oh, great!
Daphne: Why don't you open it now?
[puts a parcel on the Armchair]
Martin: Oh, I'd love to, but to tell you the truth, I don't really
have much time, I'm kind of on my way out. [Daphne begins to
cry] Oh, OK, all right! I'll open it now, sure, sure. I
don't want to get you upset! You must be really excited about
this!

He pulls out an awful (but his style) sweater.

Martin: Oh, wow! It's that sweater! The one I pointed out to you in
that window! It's great! Boy, I can die a happy man now!
[Daphne bursts into tears] Daphne, what's the matter, are you
all right?
Daphne: Oh, Mr. Crane, I know why you've been going down to that
church!
Martin: You do? Well, you're not supposed to know about that!
But why is it making you so upset?
Daphne: Because I care about you! You were actually going to let this
whole thing happen without ever telling a soul!
Martin: Well, yes! I-I don't want people staring at me in church,
stiff as a board, all that makeup on my face.

He goes to get his coat. Daphne sinks onto the couch, weeping.

Daphne: So... how much time have you got?
Martin: Uh, about twenty minutes.
Daphne: [confused] Twenty minutes?
Martin: Yeah, and boy, will I be glad when it's all over. This is the
last Christmas pageant I'm ever signing up for!
Daphne: You're in a Christmas pageant?!
Martin: Well, yeah! What did you think I was talking about?
Daphne: I thought you were dying!
Martin: What?!
Daphne: Well, you'd just got your test results back, you're down at
the church all the time. [Martin laughs] Why are you laughing?
Martin: Well, it's funny!
Daphne: I don't think it's so bloody funny!
Martin: Are you kidding? [acts as if hanged] Oh, I'm dying!
Daphne: You will be! [hurls a pillow at him]
Martin: What are you doing? Daphne, don't do that!

They argue for a while before starting to throw pillows at each other.
Meanwhile, Niles enters - his suit is a rag, his face is smeared and
he can hardly walk. He collapses behind the sofa, which stops Martin's
and Daphne's argument.

FADE TO:

Scene Five - Bathroom
Daphne finishes her story, and Niles is now being massaged by the
Masseur.

Masseur: You can talk about it if you like.
Niles: Oh, I'm not ready just yet. [falls asleep]

End of Act One. Time: (10:55)

Act Two.

Scene Six - Bathroom
Niles is lying on his back on the massage table.

Niles: Oh, I can't tell you how good that feels. I don't think I've
ever had a massage like this before!

The camera pans up the table to show that Daphne is the Masseuse this
time, dressed in a short, white nurse's uniform and massaging his calf.


Daphne: Well, I'm glad. As long as you're so relaxed, maybe I should
just give you your Christmas present right now.

Daphne climbs onto the table, lies on top of him and they kiss deeply.
Suddenly, Niles is woken up by the real Masseur.

Niles: OW! You woke me up!
Masseur: Sorry, I guess this ankle's a bit tender.
Niles: Well, yours would be too if you'd had the day I had...

DISSOLVE TO: the Elliot Bay Towers lobby: Niles is waiting for the
elevator.

Niles: [v.o.] I'd gone out to do some shopping, then I arrived at
Frasier's building.

The elevator doors open, he enters it. There is an elderly husband
and wife there (Albert & Jane) and a woman about his age (Doris).
He squeezes in next to an inappropriate, extremely large Christmas
tree that takes up most of the car.

Niles: Excuse me. I'm sorry, I don't mean to crowd you. This is a
brand-new, hand-tailored Italian suit. You know how difficult
it is to get sap out of silk.
Albert: Another reason we didn't need this tree.
Jane: Oh, Albert!

The lift starts going up.

Albert: This thing's a fire hazard.
Niles: You know, they make a chemical now that you can use to
fireproof a tree.
Albert: It causes cancer.
Niles: Happy Holidays, then.

The elevator stops and everyone worries.

Jane: What just happened?
Doris: I think the elevator's stopped.
Niles: Well, not to worry, I'm sure we'll get it going in a moment.
Albert: We've probably got about twenty minutes of oxygen.
Niles: Sir, you're just going to alarm everyone.
Doris: I work in an ER.
Niles: Ah! Well, perhaps you can instruct these people on the best
way to stay cool in a crisis.
Doris: I was on duty that night the elevator cable snapped at the
Bing building. And they brought those people in on cookie
sheets.

Niles frantically pushes the help button.

Niles: Hello, is anyone there?
Repairman: Yeah, who is it?
Niles: There's a group of us stuck in one of your elevators.
The doors won't open and we can't seem to move off the
8th floor.
Repairman: All right, where are you calling from, sir?
Niles: The Elliot Bay Towers.
Repairman: Well, both my crews are out, it could be a good hour-and-
a-half before I could get anybody there.
Doris: But I can't wait that long, my children are alone upstairs
in the apartment!
Albert: You haven't got a gas oven up there, have you?
Repairman: Well, there is another way. If somebody felt like climbing
through the trap door on top of your car, there's a manual
release switch up there that would open up your doors.
Doris: Well, that's what we've gotta do then, somebody's gotta go
up there.
Albert: Uhhh, that's a pretty small opening.
Niles: Well obviously, I have more confidence in your wife than
you do. [cups his hands toward Jane] Step this way, ma'am,
I'll give you a leg up. [Albert slaps his hands down]
Doris: It has to be you.
Niles: Well, uh, I'd have - how do you expect me to get up there?
Doris: Well, you can climb up the tree.
Niles: Oh, come on.
Doris: Well now, surely you climbed plenty of trees when you were
a boy.
Jane: That's Dr. Crane's brother.
Albert/Doris: Oh...
Niles: [purses his lips] Fine. I suppose in times of crisis,
someone must step forward and be a hero.

He hands his coat to Doris and begins climbing the tree.

Niles: Today that man is Niles Crane! Tomorrow, it will be my dry
cleaner, Mr. Lee.

Reaching the top of the tree, he pushes open the trap door.

Albert: All right, come on now, grab his feet and we'll push him
through. [everyone does]
Niles: No, no, wait, not so fast!

He disappears up through the trap door and lands with a thud.

Niles: [o.s.] No, not to worry, I landed in a nice, soft puddle of
grease. I just have to find the release switch, bear with
me...

There is the sound of a lever being pulled. The doors open.

Doris: Quick!

They all run out into the hall, leaving Niles behind.

Niles: Did that do anything? People? [sticks his head back down]
Where'd you all go?

He gapes as the elevator doors slide shut again, blocking him from
the camera's view.

Niles: [from inside the shaft] Oh my God! We're going up! Someone
stop this thing!

DISSOLVE TO: the 19th Floor. The elevator doors open, and Niles and
the tree tumble into the hallway. He crawls out, his suit in tatters
and covered in mud and grease.

Niles: [every inch agony] Ow...

A couple walks past him.

Woman In Hall: Why is that man crawling?
Man In Hall: That's Dr. Crane's brother.
Woman In Hall: Oh...

He stands up and rights himself, then enters the apartment.
He walks in on Martin and Daphne arguing, as before, but
with considerably more grace than in Daphne's recollection.

Niles: [v.o.] I was slightly shaken by what I had done, but I'd
completely composed myself as I arrived at Frasier's. But
it was some time later that I was able to tell them what had
happened...

DISSOLVE TO: that night: Niles is sitting on the sofa with Daphne,
while Frasier watches.

Niles: Of course, I have no idea what you use to get elevator grease
out of silk!
Frasier: Well, brown suede seems to leaching it out nicely! [doorbell
sounds] Anyway, no Christmas is complete without a bit of
tumult. But now we can all relax and enjoy a lovely holiday
evening together.

He opens the door to Roz, looking furious.

Roz: Merry Christmas!

She throws a gift box onto the floor - inside, there is the sound of
glass breaking - and turns back to the elevator. Frasier follows her
out.

CUT TO:

Scene Seven - Bathroom
Roz is now on the massage table. She tells her story.

Roz: You sure you wanna hear about this?
Masseur: Why not?
Roz: OK. Well, I've been feeling a little depressed lately,
because I've been putting on all this weight, I'm pregnant...

DISSOLVE TO:
Her story begins in Café Nervosa, where Niles, Frasier and Martin
are having their usual rendezvous. Roz enters and sits down.

Roz: Hey, guys! [they all greet her; to Niles] That's a nice suit.
Niles: Well, thank you. It's brand new, and so since you'll probably
be ordering food, I think I'll just go, rather than risk
getting it stained.
Roz: What is that supposed to be? Some kind of cr*ck about how
much I eat?
Niles: Absolutely not, it was a cr*ck about your table manners.
[leaves]
Martin: Well, I should go too. I just got a couple of hours before
the pageant and I need the time to rehearse.
Frasier: Oh, not to worry, Dad. Come tomorrow, it'll all be a memory.

Daphne comes through the door, unnoticed by anybody.

Martin: Yeah, but even after it's all over, I still have to make
peace with the man upstairs!

Daphne runs into the bathroom, crying. When Martin leaves,
Roz starts her chat.

Roz: So, Frasier, are you sure we have to do this charity thing
this afternoon?
Frasier: Oh, come on, Roz. It's just an hour out of your life!
Besides, I think you're gonna make an adorable Mrs. Claus.
Roz: Why? Because now I look so much like her, because I've
gotten so fat?!

Frasier's mobile rings. He answers.

Frasier: Hello? Why, yes, Mrs. Doyle, yes, she is. Just a moment.
[to Roz] It's your mom, they forwarded her from the office.
Roz: [into phone:] Hello, Mom? Yes, I got your message. Yep,
I'm picking you up at the airport, 10 AM. Right, I'm looking
forward to seeing you, too. Bye!
Frasier: Oh, wait, wait, let me say "Merry Christmas!"
Roz: Hang on, Mom!

She passes the phone to Frasier, and goes to the bar.

Frasier: [into phone] Mrs. Doyle! Yes, Frasier again. Hi, happy
holidays! [lowers voice] Uh, listen, just a word to the wise:
Roz has put on quite a few pregnancy pounds of late, and she's
really sensitive about it. So, you know, I would just say be
careful what you say to her, alright? [Roz comes back] Bye-
bye, yes, we'll see you soon, bye!
Roz: [picks up her things] You know, Frasier, I think I'll meet you
over there. I still have a couple of gifts to get!
Frasier: Oh, God! I still have all of mine to get. You know, no
matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to find anything
that seems quite right this year!
Roz: Oh, it's really sweet how you're trying to make all your gifts
special. I'm sorry I've been so cranky, I'm just nervous
about my mom coming. I'm sort of just dreading the big
conversation where I finally tell her I'm pregnant.

About thirty seconds must pass before Frasier can speak, during which
he inanely pats her shoulder and smiles comfortingly.

Frasier: You mean you haven't told her yet?
Roz: No, it's just not the type of thing you blurt out over the
phone!

Frasier's smile widens. His phone rings again.

Roz: Well, I'll let you get that. I'll see you over there.
Frasier: Right. [Roz leaves; he answers his phone] Hello? Yes, I had
a feeling you might call back!

DISSOLVE TO: Scene Eight - Shopping Mall
Later, Frasier and Roz are Mr. & Mrs. Claus. Frasier is already
dressed in full attire on his chair. Roz enters dressed as Mrs.
Claus.

Frasier: Oh, Roz! There you are, I was beginning to worry about you.
Roz: Well, you should have! I am on the verge of a complete
breakdown! Shopping was a disaster! And when I went to
slip into this darling little costume, my pants split.
Frasier: Oh!
Roz: And on top of all that, I can't stop thinking about my mom!
How am I going to tell her?!
Frasier: Well, Roz, if you'd like, I could tell her for you.
Roz: Are you kidding?! She's gonna be mad enough that I waited
three months to tell her, the only thing worse would be to
hear it from someone else!
Frasier: Well, it's entirely possible she already knows.
Roz: No way, the only person who knows she's spoken to is you-
Oh my God! Frasier!
Frasier: [welcoming first girl] OK! Ho-ho-ho, who's first?

The first girl, Sally, comes and sits on his lap.

Roz: What is wrong with you? I'm going to k*ll you!
Sally: You're going to k*ll Santa?
Frasier: No, little girl, Mrs. Claus just wants to kiss me.
Roz: Yeah, I'll kiss you. Come 'ere, I'll kiss you good!
[gives Sally a candy cane] Here, run along! [to Frasier]
Are you insane?
Frasier: Roz, you tell your mother everything, how was I supposed to
know?!

The next child, Billy, sits on his lap.

Frasier: Ho-ho-ho.
Billy: Hi Santa, I want a pony for Christmas.
Roz: You got it, now b*at it!
Billy: [running off] Mommy, Mommy, I'm gonna get a pony!
Frasier: Can't we talk about this later?
Roz: No, we can't!

Vic, a big kid, comes up.

Vic: Hi, Santa.
Roz: Oh My God! What are you, twenty? Get outta here! [Vic
leaves]
Frasier: Roz, will you just try to stay calm?
Roz: No, I will not stay calm! Because I am not calm, I am
completely freaked! [slams her glasses to the ground]
I am pregnant, and you told my crazy mother, and my
Christmas is ruined, and I'm too fat to even be Mrs.
Santa, and I hate this holiday!

She runs out, kicking a bag of presents. The mothers and children
look shocked.

Frasier: Mrs. Claus was up very late last night.

DISSOLVE TO: Scene Nine - Frasier's Apartment
Roz is outside Frasier's door with a gift box, angrily stabbing the
doorbell.

Roz: [v.o.] Of course I still had to stop by Frasier's, I had to
give him his champagne glasses.

Frasier answers the door, and Roz once again throws the present to
the floor shouting "Merry Christmas!" Frasier once again goes after
her.

Frasier: Roz, don't go! Come on, look, I'm sorry about what happened,
but it was a mistake, you can't stay mad at me.
Roz: I still have to face my mother tomorrow!
Frasier: Well, we can talk about that. Come on in. Please, come in?
[caressing her belly] Look, how would it look if I turned
a pregnant lady away on Christmas Eve when there's so much
room here at the inn?

Roz rolls her eyes, but allows Frasier to steer her back inside.
Daphne and Niles are sitting there moodily, Daphne with her head
resting on her arm, Niles still picking elevator grease from his
suit. Frasier tries to cheer things up.

Frasier: Niles, Daphne, Roz is here!
Niles/Daphne: [bored] Hi.
Roz: [imitating] Hi.
Frasier: Oh, come on, people! Let's liven things up a little, it's
Christmas Eve! What are the Cranes known for if not their
legendary holiday spirit?

Martin enters in a storm, dressed as a wise man, with Eddie.

Martin: I hate singing and I hate Christmas and I'm going to bed!
Frasier: Dad, what happened?
Martin: Well, I went into my song and everything was going fine.
Then we come up to the high note, and I actually think I'm
going to hit it for once. Then I look over and I see Eddie.
He's got his head buried in the Christ Child's cradle! Well,
I guess he mistook the Christ Child for one of his chew toys
because he grabs a hold of it inis teeth and starts shaking
it! So, the Virgin Mary grabbed hold of its legs, well, you
know how Eddie likes a good tug-of-w*r, so they're going at
it, then Eddie runs out of there with it still in his mouth
and half the population of Bethlehem chasing after him!
I never should have agreed to be in that pageant!
Daphne: You would have saved me a lot of grief!
Martin: Oh, don't start this again!
Niles: Don't you talk to her like that!
Frasier: Now come on everybody, let's not say something we're going
to regret!
Roz: Oh, you're one to talk!

Everyone starts arguing. Until:

Frasier: [shouting] ALL RIGHT! THAT IS ENOUGH! [they shut up] This is
the night we celebrate peace and togetherness! I will not
have that ruined! [slowly] I intend to put us all in the right
frame of mind, by giving you all my gift. As you know, I was
determined to make my gifts this year a little more
meaningful. And after a great deal of effort I believe I
have. My gift does not come from some fancy store, all
wrapped in glittery paper, my gift comes from my heart.
Tonight, I intend to sit each one of you down, and tell
you in my own words, exactly how much you mean to me.

The rest then begin commenting on how awful the present is: "That's
it?" "Are you out of your mind?" "That's the worst idea I ever heard!"

Frasier: Or, I could get someone over to give us all massages.

The rest say what a much better idea that is after four tough days.
Frasier picks up the phone.

End of Act Two. Time: (21:22)

Credits:

We see Niles at the piano, with Roz, Daphne and Martin singing
"Deck the Halls." All are wearing bathrobes, and all look very
relaxed.

The "bozo" from upstairs hits the floor again, which gets the three
mad. Martin and Niles yell, "Oh, shut up!" Daphne goes out to the
balcony to shout upwards, and Martin calls him on the phone. Roz is
confused by it all.