07x12 - RDWRER

[bunniefuu]

Act One.

Scene One - Café Nervosa.
Frasier is sat with a coffee when Roz enters and sits with him.

Roz: Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Hello, Roz. Happy New Year. [they hug] Or should I say
"Happy New Millennium?"
Roz: Oh, barf, I'm so sick of talking about it.
Frasier: Oh, now Roz, let's not condemn the new Millennium just because
you woke up in it with a hangover. That's what ruined church
for you.
Roz: [to waiter] Decaf latte, please. [to Frasier] I just hate how
this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant.
And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it. I partied my
ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey!
Frasier: I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first
science-related metaphor.
Roz: Thank you. And what did you do? Get all freaky and finish
your list of the century's greatest thinkers?
Frasier: No, my New Year's was plenty exciting enough, thank you very
much! Although not exactly in the way I'd planned...

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
We flashback to the 30th of December 1999. The apartment is still
decorated for Christmas, Martin is sat in his chair as Frasier opens
the door to an anxious Niles.

Niles: Cancel the Millennium! "Chez Henri" has b*rned down!
Frasier: b*rned down?!
Niles: Yes! Apparently, Henri was caramelizing a huge crème brûlèe
in the shape of Puget Sound, when a sugar spark ignited a
thirty-foot paper maché "Space Needle." They're already
calling it the worst centerpiece disaster in the history
of Seattle.
Frasier: Henri built his reputation with that caramelizing torch.
My God, the irony of him burning down his own restaurant
with it. It's worthy of "Oh! Henry."
Niles: "Oh! Henri." [laughs]
Frasier: Please, Niles, it's too soon to joke. What exactly are we
going to do tomorrow night? Every restaurant in town worth
going to has been booked for months.
Martin: Well, you know, you can join me and the boys at McGinty's.
It's going to be a lot of fun, they're going to dye the beer
green.
Niles: Why would you do that on New Year's Eve?
Martin: Oh well, McGinty's going in for a bypass next month and
he's afraid he might not make it out for St. Paddy's Day.
Niles: This is a disaster!
Martin: No, they'll just pop in another pig valve. You know, the
only reason he needs it is because he eats so much bacon.
So, the same thing that's k*lling him is keeping him alive.
[laughs] There's your "Oh! Henry" story.
Niles: Well, maybe we can just stay in tomorrow night.
Frasier: On the most significant New Year's Eve of our lifetime?!
I think not!
Niles: I should have just gone with Mel. She and her mother are
taking a hot air balloon through the wine country. [Martin
and Frasier look at him] Well, not in the balloon, no, but
I could have followed along in the recovery vehicle.
Frasier: Wait a minute! Speaking of wine, wasn't the wine club having
some sort of a party?
Niles: Yes, at Ken Lauerbock's place in Sun Valley. Oh, it's a
huge event.
Frasier: Of course, "Auld Lang Wine!" Niles, call to see if we're
still invited.
Niles: All right, I'm on it.

Niles exits to the kitchen whilst using his mobile as Daphne enters
with some mail. She isn't too thrilled.

Daphne: Bloody hell! Five days after Christmas is over and I'm still
getting these cards! They do it on purpose, you know. It's
always from someone you forgot, and then it's too late to send
one back, then they sneer at you for the rest of the year!
[reads card] "Peace and Goodwill," my ass! You just lost
yourself a customer, Dr. Naran S. Gupta, D.D.S.!
Martin: [sarcastic] Losing a set of English teeth, he'll feel that!

She scowls and drops an envelope into his lap.

Daphne: This is for you, from the DMV.
Martin: Oh-ho, I know what this is! The custom plates I ordered for
my Winnebago! [takes them out] Yay! Well, fifty bucks, but I
think it says it all.

Frasier and Daphne try to make sense of the plates that read "RDWRER".

Frasier: "Erd... Whirr-Er"?
Daphne: "Rid-Worr-Yer"?
Frasier: "Red Wearer"!
Martin: Oh, for God's sake! "Road Warrior"!
Daphne: Of course! [sarcastic] For a retired man with a cane and a
Winnebago, I don't know why my mind didn't go straight to it!

Niles re-enters from the kitchen.

Niles: Huzzah! [to Daphne] Hello, Daphne. [to Frasier] Ken said he'd
love to have us come and [to Martin] the more the merrier.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, that's brilliant. Dad, please, please, won't you
join us? You know what, say, let's call the travel agent.
Daphne: Not to rain on your parade, but you may have a tough time
getting flights this late. Donny and I had a devil of a time
getting our flights to San Francisco.
Frasier: Oh Daphne, they always set aside a few choice seats for
Seattle's travel elite.

Niles gleefully begins dialing his cell phone.

SMASH CUT TO:

Scene Three - The Winnebago.
We quickly cut to the following day. It seems that the Crane brothers
aren't amongst the travel elite as they ride down to Sun Valley with
Martin and Eddie. A motorist beeps them from behind.

Motorist: [v.o.] Pick a lane, Road Warrior!
Martin: See, he got it! He-hee! [Martin puts his thumb up at him in
glee]

FADE OUT

ARE WE THERE YET?


Scene Four - The Winnebago.
A little while later, the Crane g*ng are still driving. It is still
daytime. Frasier is now behind the wheel, Martin is in the passenger
seat with Eddie whilst Niles is in a separate seat with the map.

Martin: Being on the road like this, it's like we're three dusty hobos
sharing a box-car to parts unknown.
Niles: Yes, well, if you don't take this next turn we'll end up in
"Californy."
Frasier: Gee, Niles, you seem a little cranky.
Niles: Well, perhaps that's because I was rousted out of a warm bed
at the cr*ck of dawn and herded onto a Winnebago!
Martin: Better safe than sorry, Niles. You know, it's 650 miles to
Sun Valley, and half of that's through the mountains.
Niles: By the way, how are we going to explain to the wine club our
arriving in a Winnebago?
Frasier: Just chalk it off to whimsy, Niles. We'll call it our "Van
Ordinaire!" [laughs] You know, besides, I'm actually enjoying
this little trip through the heartland. I feel a bit out of
touch with the common man, it's nice to reconnect.
Niles: Well, while you're reconnecting, why don't you let me drive?

Frasier and Martin give each other a look of horror.

Frasier: I would, Niles. It's just that, em... I need you to navigate.
Martin: Yeah, you're the most important member of our crew, good
buddy!
Frasier: The man with the map!
Niles: Stop patronizing me, I want to drive.
Martin: Oh, you're not good with big cars, Niles. Remember when I
tried to teach you to drive my LeSabre? You kept panicking
and pulling on the emergency brake.
Niles: Well, it's a good thing I did. Those mailboxes weren't even
slowing me down!

Martin notices something out of the window.

Martin: Oh, did you see that sign? "Little Red Cabin." Do you
remember those diners? [laughs] "Home of the Log Roller:
a flank steak wrapped around a combination of eggs, cheese
and onions!" You kids used to love eating there. You'd
scream out at me, "Dad, pull over. Quick, pull over!"
Frasier: Actually, Dad, that was after we ate!

FADE TO:

Scene Five - The Winnebago.
It's sometime later. Frasier is alone in the cabin. He's driving
whilst humming along to some classical music on the stereo. Niles
enters from the sleeping area. He looks very tired.

Frasier: [noticing Niles] Oh, Niles. [turns stereo off] I thought
you were sleeping.

We then hear a very loud guffaw from the sleeping quarters, it's
Martin.

Niles: I was trying to, but Dad wanted to watch the VCR.
Frasier: Oh, good Lord, not "Robin and the Seven Hoods" again.

Martin is heard laughing again.

Niles: Worse.

Martin enters.

Martin: Yeah, baby, you know, that was a shag-a-delic flick!

The Crane brothers look at each other.

Niles: You know, dad, if you're quite done, I think I'll try to take
a nap.
Martin: [Austin-Powers-ish] Oh, beeehave!

Niles exits to the sleeping quarters as Martin takes his seat.

Frasier: You know, Dad, you do realize that the "Austin Powers" craze
is completely over!
Martin: Well, I'm sorry, do I bore you? Or do I make you randy?
[laughs]

Frasier's mobile rings. He answers.

Frasier: [to phone] Hello. Yes, Niles. I'm driving as smoothly as I
can. Any other little driving tips you'd like to give me,
[shouts back to the quarters] why don't you just come up
here and tell me to my face! [hangs up]
Martin: Hey, look, another "Little Red Cabin" sign. You know, we're
not going to find anything better to eat on this highway.
Frasier: Oh, let's not be hasty, Dad. It's five miles away, we might
run over something before then!

FADE TO:

Scene Six - A Little Red Cabin.
Niles, Frasier and Martin are sat in the diner reading the menus.
They are sat below a huge window overlooking the car-park. Road
Warrior is parked right outside the window.

Niles: You know, I am so tired, I can barely read this menu.
Frasier: It's all right, Niles. You don't have to read. You can just
point to a picture of the food you want!
Martin: What's this? "A Log Roller with your choice of cheese."
You can't have a Log Roller without American cheese!
Frasier: Apparently you can't get anything in this restaurant without
American cheese. Including the menu! [wipes cheese off menu]

Another Winnebago, identical to the Road Warrior, pulls up in front
of the RW. An elderly couple gets out of it.

Martin: Niles, if you're so tired, why don't you go back to the Road
Warrior and take a nap?
Niles: Oh, you know, that's a good idea. At least it'll be quiet.
[rises]
Martin: I wonder if you can still get Sticky Shingles here?
Niles: One look at the salad bar says yes. [exits]
Martin: What looks good to you, Fras?
Frasier: Well, actually, Dad, you know, I think I'll have a hamburger.

We see Niles outside getting onto the wrong Winnebago.

Frasier: Would you order that for me, Dad?
Martin: Yeah. You're going some place?
Frasier: As a matter of fact, I am. I'm going to take a chance and
reacquaint myself with an old friend of mine: America.

Martin groans as Frasier approaches a farmer sitting at the bar.

Frasier: Hello there. [sits with him] Could I buy you a cup of
coffee? You see, I'm just a wandering city mouse, trying to
get in touch with America. Now, you, you look like you be a
farmer.
Farmer: Oh, I get it. You see a guy in a rural diner wearing shabby
clothes and you pin your little label on him. Well guess
what, I am a farmer, but I'm also a beautiful, flawed,
complicated human being and it's going to take more than a
cup of coffee to get inside here.
Frasier: I'll just go see how my father's doing.

Frasier walks back to Martin and sits.

Martin: How was he?
Frasier: Beautiful, flawed, unpleasant.
Martin: Well, according to the map it's about three hundred miles to
Sun Valley.
Frasier: Oh, that's delightful, Dad. You know what, we'll get there in
plenty of time for the party.
Martin: Now listen, you know, your brother's going to be hungry,
maybe we should bring him a sandwich.
Frasier: I wouldn't worry about Niles, Dad.

Meanwhile, the couple return to their Winnebago and drive away with
the sleeping Niles.

Frasier: He's so tired, let's just let him sleep for the rest of the
trip.
Martin: Are you sure?
Frasier: Oh sure. It's the most exciting day of the year, Dad. For
God's sakes, you know, when Niles wakes up I guarantee the
last thing he'll be thinking about is sandwiches!

End of Act One.

Act Two.

ARE WE THERE YET?


Scene One - The Wrong Winnebago.
An old woman, Betty, and her husband, Clifford, are driving the
Winnebago that Niles has fallen asleep in.

Betty: Oh my goodness. Look what I just found in my pocket, the
lighter I borrowed from that waitress in the restaurant.
I feel terrible!
Clifford: Forget it, Mother. We're not taking it back.

Meanwhile, Niles wakes up in the sleeping quarters and hears the rest
of the conversation. He is alarmed.

Betty: Well, I really think we should just turn around and say
we're sorry and return it.
Clifford: I think we ought to keep it. Our old one's nearly out of
fuel anyway.
Betty: It doesn't make it right. We're still criminals in the eyes
of the law.
Clifford: There's a lot worse criminals than you and me. Do you
remember that last g*n show we went to? We must have seen
at least three different people swiping boxes of shells.
Betty: There's one thing you can say for us, we pay for our a*mo!

Niles, in panic, crouches in the corner and takes out his cell phone.

CUT TO:

Scene Two - The Winnebago.
Frasier is driving as Martin chats to him.

Martin: So at this party tonight, there going to be a lot of
shagnificent birds?!
Frasier: Dad, I'm begging you.

Frasier's mobile sounds. He answers.

Frasier: Hello? [peeved] Niles, would you please stop doing this!
[hangs up]

CUT TO:

Scene Three - The Wrong Winnebago.
Meanwhile, Clifford and Betty are still going.

Clifford: I'm getting a little drowsy.
Betty: Well, if you're so tired, just scootch over, I'll take the
wheel.

The two change seats. Niles meanwhile phones the police.

Niles: Yes, yes, hello. I'm being kidnapped, this is an emergency,
I'm being kidnapped. I'm in a stolen Winnebago heading east
on I-84. I can't talk any louder, I'm being stolen. Yes,
yes. Washington plates, R-D-W-R-E-R: Road Warrior. Yes, it
does. It does so, sound it out. Oh, never mind, for God's
sake, just save me!

Meanwhile, Clifford stands up.

Clifford: You know what, I'm getting sleepy, I'm going back for a
little lie-down.
Betty: All right. [as Clifford is just about to enter the sleeping
quarters] Oh wait Dad, look, there's another one of those
"Little Red Cabin"'s. Why don't we just stop and have some
supper first?
Clifford: 'Cause I'm tired and I'm not hungry.
Betty: [sternly] Clifford!
Clifford: Well, I guess a sandwich wouldn't k*ll me.
Betty: I feel sort of funny even stopping here, it's a little like
returning to the scene of the crime.
Clifford: Mother! Let it go!

The couple exit the Winnebago, leaving the keys in the roof visor.
Niles appears from the back and cautiously climbs into the driving
seat. He adjusts his mirror and starts the engine before driving off.

CUT TO:

Scene Four - The Winnebago.
Martin and Frasier have come to a halt. Martin exits with Eddie into
the woods.

Martin: All right, Eddie. Let's go sign nature's guest book!

Meanwhile, Frasier's mobile rings. He answers it.

Frasier: Hello.
Niles: [v.o.] Frasier.
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: Niles.

Throughout the following the camera switches between Niles driving
the wrong Winnebago and Frasier in the Road Warrior.

Niles: Put your fears to rest, I've got Dad's Winnebago back!
Frasier: Niles, what on earth are you talking about? You must have
had a nightmare?
Niles: Indeed I have, but it's over now and I've managed to give
the thugs a taste of their own thieving medicine!

Frasier goes to the sleeping quarters and pulls back the curtains.
No one is there. Frasier gasps.

Frasier: Niles! Niles, where are you calling from?
Niles: From behind the wheel of the "Road Warrior" and doing a damn
fine job driving it too, I might add.
Frasier: Well, I'm in the "Road Warrior"! You got in the wrong car,
you idiot! You've stolen a Winnebago!
Niles: Don't be absurd.

Niles looks around his Winnebago. He sees a photo of Betty and
Clifford on the wall. He whimpers in apprehension.

He notices an ash tray on the dashboard and whimpers again.

He picks up a personalized coffee mug – “World’s Greatest Grandma.”

Niles: OH MY GOD!

While he has been distracted, the Winnebago has veered. Returning his
attention to the road, he desperately hauls the wheel back, then panics
and pulls on the emergency break. The Winnebago screeches to a stop
and Niles falls out of his seat.

Frasier: All right, Niles. Just keep your head, there's no need to
panic!
Officer: [o.s., over loudspeaker] This is the police! Exit the vehicle
immediately with your hands above your head.

Frasier drops his mobile, raises his hands and exits. Outside he finds
Martin standing up against the side of the van, and also little Eddie
with his paws above his head.

FADE TO:

Scene Five - The Little Red Cabin.
Meanwhile, Betty and Clifford are still eating their meal.

Betty: How's that turkey club, Dad?
Clifford: A little dry.

Niles parks the Winnebago in the lot and gets out. He cautiously
walks past the window and enters the cabin.

FADE TO:

Scene Six - The Winnebago.
The officer is explaining to the Crane men.

Officer: Sorry about the misunderstanding. These papers all check out,
sir. [hands them over]
Martin: Well, if there's nothing else, we're in a hurry to get to
Sun Valley.
Frasier: But, not too much of a hurry. [laughs]
Officer: Well, drive safely.
Martin: Thank you.

The policeman exits.

Martin: What a clown. I can tell you ten things he did wrong right
off the bat.
Frasier: Well, at least he was apologetic.
Martin: Oh, these hick towns give any bozo a badge. [the officer
appears at the window and overhears] A goober like that
wouldn't last ten minutes in a real police force. [notices
the peeved officer] ...without getting a promotion!
Officer: Your license! [hands it over]

Frasier drives off. Frasier's mobile sounds and he answers. The scene
cuts back and forth between him and Niles, using his mobile near the
pay phone in the restaurant.

Frasier: Hello.
Niles: Hello, Frasier. I managed to solve the problem, I returned
the Winnebago.
Frasier: To where? Where are you?
Niles: Well, I'm in Baker City, Oregon.
Frasier: Baker City?!
Martin: Shag me rotten! That's three hundred miles!
Frasier: Niles, we will never get there and then back to Sun Valley
before midnight.
Niles: Well I'm not going to ring in the new year in a "Little Red
Cabin."
Frasier: All right, all right, listen, the only way we can ever pull
this off is if you can catch a ride in this direction.
Niles: Hold on, hold on.

In the Little Red Cabin, Niles uses the pay phone as a cover for
eavesdropping on Betty and Clifford who are just leaving.

Betty: [looking at lighter] Oh my gosh, it's engraved. Dad, I'm
not going to enjoy the rest of this trip until I return this
woman's lighter.
Clifford: Mother, do you expect me to turn around and drive a hundred
and fifty miles back to that Little Red Cabin? We are not
going, end of discussion.
Betty: Clifford.

Clifford has to give in.

Niles: [into phone] Good news, I'm on my way. [hangs up]

CUT TO: The Winnebago.

Frasier: Niles says he can make it back to the restaurant where we
first got separated, all I have to do now is to turn this boat
around.
Martin: Thirty miles to the next exit.
Frasier: I can't wait that long!
Martin: Well, you can't do a U-ey on an interstate.
Frasier: That's twentieth century talk, Dad. Welcome to the future!

We then see the Winnebago cut across the grass and into the other
lane. However, a police car is following them.

Frasier: God, that felt great! Wow, this is really quite an adventure,
isn't it, Dad!

The police turn their sirens on.

Martin: It is now.
Frasier: Oh, dear God.
Martin: All right, just relax, Frasier. Now, I know cops. Just let
me do the talking, and we'll be out of here in two minutes.
Frasier: All right Dad, let's switch.

Martin moves into the driving seat. The police officer comes to the
window, it is the same one that arrested them earlier.

Officer: Well, look who's here. Do you boys know what you did wrong
back there?
Martin: Yeah, yeah, I know, a U-turn.
Officer: Nope, called me a goober!

Martin and Frasier look worried.

FADE TO:

LATER THE SAME MILLENNIUM


Scene Seven - The Little Red Cabin.
Niles is sat in the cabin looking very bored. A large waitress is on
the tills as Frasier and Martin walk in.

Frasier: Niles, I'm so sorry we're late.
Niles: Ah, well. Not to worry, when you're here at the cross-roads
of the world you have the human drama to amuse you.
Martin: Well, happy new year, boys.
Frasier: Yes, five minutes ago! Everyone in the world will have a
wonderful story to tell about where they were and what they
were doing when the Millennium dawned. What is our story?
Speeding along a lonely highway [to Niles] and you here
doing nothing.
Niles: Well, not exactly nothing. Big Sandy let me watch the
register while she emptied the rat traps.
Martin: Hey, wait a minute, where are we?
Frasier: Well, Dad, I've never seen a picture of the official middle
of nowhere, but I assume...
Martin: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the middle of nowhere, Mountain Time,
right? It's still only 11:05 Pacific Time.
Niles: Which can't be more than forty-five minutes from here.
Martin: Right! We can cross the line and toast in the new year.
Frasier: Dad, that's brilliant! And there was a delightful little
restaurant just across the border.
Martin: Well, the guide book said it was pretentious.
Frasier: Perfect, let's roll!

The three exit the cabin.

FADE TO:

Scene Eight - The Winnebago.
Martin is driving. They are all dressed smartly in tuxedoes
(even Eddie).

Frasier: We're running out of time!
Martin: Well, I'm doing my best, Frasier, but we seem to be losing
power.
Frasier: What's that noise? What's wrong with the engine?
Niles: I didn't touch the emergency brake!
Martin: When’s the last time you put gas in this thing?
Frasier: Me?! I don't even know where the thing is to put the gas
into.
Martin: Oh, no. I'm sorry, boys. It's dying, I'm going to be lucky
to get this off the road.
Frasier: I can't stand this! Have we so offended the Millennium gods
that they will do anything to ruin this evening? Burn down
our restaurant? Hurl vindictive lawmen and duplicate
Winnebagos in our path to confound us?!
Martin: [looks out of window] Hey, is that a sign?
Frasier: Of course it's a sign! It's a sign that we're cursed!
Martin: No, no, it is, it's a sign!

Out the window we see a sign that says “Entering Pacific Time Zone.”

Martin: We're entering Pacific Time Zone! We're here!
Frasier: We made it! Come on, Eddie! [checks his watch] Thirty seconds
to spare.

The three gather round the champagne but the vehicle begins to roll
back.

Frasier: We're rolling! We're rolling backwards.
Martin: Oh, no!
Niles: No need to panic, Frasier.

He pulls the emergency brake, the Winnebago stops.

Niles: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Martin: We rolled back into Idaho!
Frasier: Follow me!

Frasier grabs the champagne bottle out of the bucket and they all rush
out of the Winnebago with Eddie and run up past the sign.

Frasier: Ten seconds, let's look alive. [tries to open the champagne]
Damn this foil!
Martin: You can do it, Fras, relax and focus.
Niles: Three, two, one....

Frasier pops the champagne cork.

Martin: Oh-ho, we made it! Happy New Year!
Frasier/Niles: Happy New Year!

Niles hands out paper cups, and Frasier pours them all a drink.

Niles: Well, if you ask me, this beats a dull party.
Martin: Yeah...
Niles: Family and good champagne and a blanket of stars.
Frasier: [raises his cup] Hear, hear.

They all sip.

Frasier: You know what, I think this calls for a song. [sings]
"Should auld acquaintance be forgot..."
All: "...and never brought to mind. Should-"

However, in the winds they hear coyotes howling. Eddie runs back into
the Winnebago. Scared, the three follow him, finishing the lyrics.

All: [rapidly] "Should-old-acquaintance-be-forgot-for-Auld-Lang-
Syne..."

They slam the door on the further sound of howling.

End of Act Two.

Credits:

Niles is behind the wheel of the "Road Warrior." Martin is teaching
him how to drive and it seems he is doing well. However, Frasier then
walks up to the window with a petrol t*nk. It seems the Winnebago was
stationary all the time.