08x08 - Mary Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Act One.

Scene One - Radio Station.
KACL is decorated for the Christmas season as "The Dr. Frasier Crane
Show" airs. Frasier takes a call as Roz sits in her booth.

Frasier: Well, we've got just about a minute before we go to the news.
I understand we have Tom from Freemont on line one. [presses
button] Go ahead, Tom.
Tom: [v.o.] I don't want to be squeezed into a minute, I will go
on after the news.

Frasier and Roz look surprised.

Frasier: Well, why don't you tell me your problem now and then I can
give you my reply when we come back.
Tom: No, I'll wait.
Frasier: Very well. [presses button] Roz, who else do we have?
Roz: We have Brian on a car phone.
Frasier: Ah! [presses button] Go ahead, Brian, I'm listening.
Brian: [v.o.] For what? Thirty seconds?! I'll wait too!

Frasier and Roz begin to get annoyed.

Frasier: All right, then. I guess I'll just use the time myself.
[presses button and picks up a clipboard, he reads] “Giddy
up, giddy up, let's go” - to the Seattle Christmas Parade
this Saturday, broadcast live on Channel 6 TV and hosted by
Kelly Kirkland of Channel 6's Kelly and Carol Show. You know,
I must say that Kelly Kirkland is a real treasure. She's
sincere and charming and... well, just about as likeable as
sunshine! [smiles] We'll be right back. [presses button]

As they go off the air, Roz enters his booth.

Roz: Are you okay?
Frasier: Hm? Well, of course, why?
Roz: Oh, I was afraid with all that sucking up you might have
burst a lung!
Frasier: That's very funny, Roz. You see, Kelly's looking for a new
co-host for the parade this year and I was hoping it might
be me. You know, I've watched that parade since I was a
child and this is my chance to become a part of it.
Roz: Oh, I thought she did that parade with her husband.
Frasier: Oh, I guess you haven't heard. You see, she's discovered
that Carol's been having an affair with her cue card girl.
[laughs]
Roz: How did she catch him? She find a giant love letter in his
pocket?!

Frasier laughs. Mary Thomas then enters the booth, the warm but
loquacious woman from last season's “There's Something About Dr.
Mary.” She is carrying three books.

Mary: Hey, Frasier, guess who?
Frasier: [laughs] Mary Thomas, oh. Hello, Mary. Roz, you remember
Mary, she and I briefly co-hosted my show last year.
Roz: Of course, I remember. I listen to your show on KEZW all the
time.
Mary: Oh, well, thank you so much and just for that, here's a copy
of my new book and Frasier, here's one for you too.

Hands them over.

Roz: [reading cover] "Warm Bread for the Soul" by Dr. Mary!
Frasier: I see you're still identifying yourself as a doctor.
Mary: But now it's true. You read the inside cover.
Frasier: Eh? [reads] Dr. Mary has healed thousands of Seattle radio
listeners and is a summa cum laude graduate of the School of
Hard Knocks.
Mary: Yes.
Frasier: Mary, I hate to quibble about things like accreditation and
such...

Kenny enters.

Kenny: Woh, it's like the American Medical Association in here!
[laughs] So, isn't this great? Dr. Mary's coming back to
KACL!
Roz: Oh, hey, congratulations!
Frasier: Oh, yes, congratulations, indeed. I... I must have missed
that memo!
Kenny: Yes, she was doing so great in the ratings we had to steal
her back. Now, I thought your doctors took an oath not to
hurt anybody, you are k*lling us!
Mary: [laughs] Oh, you. You give me some sugar!

Mary hugs Kenny.

Mary: Oh, Frasier, I hope you're all right with this. I know last
time you weren't thrilled about us working together.
Frasier: Oh, no, this time we'll have separate shows. It's not like
we're going to be sharing a mike! [to Kenny] Er, we won't be
sharing a mike, will we?
Kenny: Of course not, we're giving Mary the morning drift shift.
Frasier: [covering jealousy] Oh, well, the shift with the biggest
audience and the best demographics.
Mary: Don't you worry, I'll be promoting your show every single
day.
Kenny: Is this woman not generous?! Give me some sugar.
Mary: [laughs] No, baby, you've already got yours but here's a
book for you. [hands it over] And Merry Christmas to all!
Kenny: [emphatic] Merry Christmas!

Mary exits.

Roz: What the hell's wrong with you?!

Kenny looks wistful as Roz exits to her booth.

FADE OUT

Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
Frasier seems to have had his way once again this year as his home is
aptly decorated in a stylish manner for Christmas. Frasier answers
the door to Niles who is holding a gift.

Frasier: Oh.
Niles: Hey.
Frasier: Niles. [laughs] I hope you had the presence of mind to bring
presents of mine! [laughs]
Niles: I haven't heard that line since last year!

Niles places the present under the Christmas tree.

Niles: But then again, Christmas is the season for chestnuts!
[laughs]

Niles notices various bowls of food around the room.

Niles: What's all the food for?
Frasier: Well, actually, Kelly Kirkland's coming over, I'm trying to
make a good impression. You see, I was doing my best to
charm my way into that parade job.
Niles: What is it with you and this parade?

They sit on the couch.

Frasier: Oh, Niles, don't you remember when we were kids? We'd sit on
the couch and cradle our cocoas and stay up late to watch
our holiday hosts, Bob Vernon and Sergeant Michelle - the...
Both: ...traffic lady!

Their memories take over.

Niles: Oh, I haven't thought about them in years!
Frasier: You know, to me, that was always the official beginning of
Christmas and now this is my chance to usher in the season
for a whole new generation.
Niles: I loved Sergeant Michelle! To this day, every time I cross
against the light, I feel like I'm letting her down!

Niles smells the air.

Niles: All right, what is that fetid smell?
Frasier: Oh, oh, that's the food. I'm preparing dishes that have been
featured on Kelly's show.

The oven pings.

Frasier: Oh, Lord, that'll be my hobo casserole!
Niles: Hobo! That's the smell!

Frasier exits to the kitchen. Daphne enters from her room and notices
Niles.

[N.B. Jane Leeves' pregnancy is more covered in this episode, however
her eating storyline is still being shown. Daphne is seen to be eating
food whenever she is on screen.]

Daphne: Hey, Niles.
Niles: [stands and greets her] Hello, Daphne.

They kiss.

Daphne: So, where are we going for dinner tonight?
Niles: Well, er, it's your pick. All though, word on the street has
it that "Chez Du Mont" has the most delectable Hudson Valley
foie gras.
Daphne: Niles, you're spoiling me! All this rich food's gonna start
catching up with my figure!
Niles: Oh, not you my little hummingbird, never!

Daphne picks up some food from the dishes and begins to eat.

Daphne: You're as sweet as a chocolate soufflé. Let's get some of
those, tonight.

Martin enters from the front door with Eddie.

Martin: Oh, that's it! I know I should have stocked my old Ballantines
as soon as they stopped making it. Now, I can't find a single
can.

Frasier enters.

Martin: Christmas is ruined!
Daphne: Christmas is about more than beer, Mr. Crane!
Niles: Yeah, and this year's extra special because Daphne and I are
together.
Martin: Well, that's true. [thinks] No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith...
maybe I won't need beer this Christmas!

Martin exits to his room as the doorbell sounds.

Frasier: That's Kelly. Showtime!

Niles sticks his thumb up at him as he opens the door.

Frasier: Hi, Kelly.
Kelly: Hi, Frasier.

They hug and kiss a greeting.

Frasier: Gosh, you know, I haven't seen you since the "Broadcasters
Against Litter" march!
Kelly: I think we really made a difference.
Frasier: Indeed we did. Now, please, come on in. I'd like you meet my
brother, Niles, and his girlfriend, Daphne.

They ad-lib hellos.

Kelly: Do I smell Hobo Casserole?
Niles: Yes, close your eyes, it's like you're under a railroad bridge!
Frasier: [laughs] Yes, off you go.

Frasier gives a stern look at Niles and Daphne who abruptly exits to
Daphne's room.

Frasier: So, you know about Hobo Casserole?
Kelly: Oh, I make it on my show.
Frasier: Oh, I get so many of my recipes from your show that I've
forgotten which are mine and which are yours!
Kelly: [laughs, then sees bowl] Ah, now don't tell me that's potato
chip salad?!
Frasier: Uh-oh, [obvious acting] this is embarrassing.
Kelly: So, you really are a fan of the show, huh?
Frasier: Guilty. I especially admire your work on the Christmas Parade.
Kelly: You really want this, don't you?
Frasier: Oh, Gosh, I do. I really do. I must admit. In fact, you
know, I'd be willing to audition for you right now.
Kelly: Oh, Frasier, now that's not necessary.
Frasier: Please, I'd like to. Now, I've examined the parade schedule
and I have taken a liberty of preparing a few ad-libs. If
you would indulge me in one or two?

Frasier picks up a script as Kelly agrees. They begin to read:

Frasier: Hey, Kelly. Have you ever seen eighty beavers march in
perfect rhythm?
Kelly: Oh, Frasier, everyone knows beavers can't march.
Frasier: Oh, they can, when they're the marching beavers of the
Riverside High School Band!
Kelly: Hey, you tricked me.
Frasier: Sorry, Kelly, but how about those incredible formations.
They're so precise.
Kelly: Well, that doesn't surprise me, Fras, after all, the beaver
is nature's first ENGINE-er! [laughs]

The put the script down.

Kelly: That's nice banter.

Frasier looks gleeful.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Radio Station.
Frasier is rounding up his show as Roz reads Dr. Mary's book in her
booth.

Frasier: Well, Seattle, thank you for your calls.

Frasier knocks on the window to Roz who is immersed in the book.
She carries on reading.

Frasier: Seattle, thank you for your calls!
Roz: [monotone and bored, still reading] Hey, Frasier, what are
you doing over the Christmas weekend?
Frasier: Well, Roz, if you insist on interrogating me, I'll be co-
hosting the Seattle Christmas parade tomorrow night...

Roz begins nonchalantly ringing some Christmas bells whilst still
reading. She is obviously not too fussed about Frasier's plans for
finishing the show.

Frasier: ...on Channel 6 with the lovely and talented Kelly Kirkland.
I hope it will be the beginning of a new holiday tradition.
Good mental health, see you at the parade.

Frasier presses the button to go off-air. Roz quickly throws down
her bells and carries on reading. Kenny enters.

Kenny: Hey, doc. Oh, Frasier, I wish you hadn't done that little
promo.
Frasier: Why? Kelly told me I had the job, her word is good enough
for me.
Kenny: I got some bad news.
Frasier: I knew I couldn't trust that woman, and after I had her to
my home for that hillbilly buffet!
Kenny: She's got food poisoning. She'll be laid up for days.
Frasier: Oh, a tough blow! But, I'm nothing if not a team player,
you know, I'll do the parade myself.
Kenny: Boy, you really know how to land on your feet, doc. But, er,
you're still going to have a co-host. Listen, nothing
officially yet, but there are a few names that are floating
around.

Frasier looks behind him and sees Mary jumping about happily with
her co-workers. She then looks at Frasier through the glass and
indicates she will be working with him at the parade. Frasier looks
back to Kenny.

Kenny: I'll let you know if I hear anything.

Kenny exits as Frasier grimaces.

End of Act One.

Act Two.

Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Martin is on the phone as Frasier enters who puts on his overcoat
from the rack.

Martin: [on phone] Oh, that'd be sweet! [pause] No, it's Frasier.
Okay, see you, Duke. [hangs up]
Frasier: Well, Dad, how do I look?
Martin: Well, a smile'd help!
Frasier: [sighs] I know, it's just that this whole Mary thing's got me
kinda upset. You know, that woman grew up in Seattle, she's
never even seen that parade, it's a sacrilege. My God, you
know, this event, it's an institution, it carries with it a
tradition of pride and pageantry and old-fashioned good times.
[thinks] Well, that's not bad, I think I might open with it.

Niles and Daphne enter from her room. Daphne carries a gift and
places it under the tree.

Niles: Hey, Frasier, good luck tonight.
Frasier: Oh, thanks, Niles.
Daphne: We'll be watching. Hey, maybe you could say hi to us on the
air.
Niles: Oh, for God's sake, Daphne, this is not some sort of a home
movie! This event carries with it a tradition of pride and
pageantry and old-fashioned good times. [thinks] Eh, now I
don't like it! [exits]

Daphne and Niles stand round Martin and begin their obviously
practiced banter.

Daphne: Maybe I'll heat up some cider for the parade.
Niles: Oh, sounds good to me. Dad?
Martin: I guess. Parade just won't be the same without Ballantine.
Niles: Is anything the same to you without Ballantine?
Martin: Sure, lots of stuff. [b*at] No, not really.

Niles gives Daphne a knowing glance before she quickly exits to the
kitchen.

Niles: Dad, I know, Christmas is a few days off but Daphne and I
were wondering if it wouldn't be a good idea for you to open
one of your presents early.
Martin: No, no, that'd be cheating. No opening presents till
Christmas morning.

Daphne enters holding a gift-wrapped present, obviously a six-pack
of beer.

Daphne: Are you sure?
Martin: [feels at it] Who-ho-ho! Well, I guess one wouldn't hurt.
I'm not doing this by myself, though. You two have got to
open something too.
Niles: [to Daphne] What do you think?
Daphne: One wouldn't hurt.

The two go to the tree.

Niles: This is for you.
Daphne: Oh, and that's yours.

They takes the presents and go back to sit down.

Martin: Everybody got something?
Niles: Yeah.
Martin: All right, good!

Martin opens his present and takes out a six-pack of Ballantines.

Martin: [laughs] I knew it, thank you so much. How'd you keep it
cold?
Daphne: I hid it in the vegetable crisper. I knew you'd never look
there.

Daphne opens hers and finds some earrings.

Daphne: Niles, they're exquisite. Thank you.

They kiss.

Niles: You're welcome. [pause] And you got me... [unwraps, with
enthusiasm] ...batteries! Thank you.
Daphne: [let down] Oh, you opened the wrong package. [goes to tree]
You were supposed to open this one.
Niles: No, no, I can't open another one, that's not fair.
Martin: Well, if we all open one more then it'd make it even.
Daphne: Sounds fair.
Niles: Alright, but that's it.
Martin: Yeah, no more.

They go to the tree as we FADE OUT.

MARY CHRISTMAS


Scene Two - Christmas Parade.
Frasier and Mary are on air, sat at their podium. A fanfare of music
is heard in the background.

Frasier: Merry Christmas, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane...
Mary: ...and Dr. Mary!
Frasier: ...Welcoming you to the 42nd annual Christmas parade.
Mary: Yes, first off, we want to wish Kelly Kirkland a speedy
recovery.
Frasier: Indeed, and may I say, it's an honor to be sitting here in
the very chairs that were once occupied by the legendary Bob
Vernon and his co-host Sergeant Michelle, who started this
tradition so many years ago.
Mary: And here comes our first float, Frosty the Snowman!
Frasier: You know, Mary, historically speaking the first float was
probably the Trojan horse. It was a gift from the people
of Troy. Once brought inside the city walls however, they
discovered it was filled with Greek soldiers, who slaughtered
their Trojan enemies in the street. Of course, modern floats
have come a long way since then. [with a grin] We hope!
Mary: Well, this float comes to us as a gift from Seattle's sister
city: Managua, Nicaragua. You know, I like the way that
sounds. [with accent] Managua Nicaragua. [then] It sounds
like the name of a fine Latino man!

Frasier looks down at her script, she is obviously ad-libbing.

Mary: [accent] Would you like to dance, Dr. Mary? [then] Yes, I
would, Managua Nicaragua. Shake that piece of Costa Rica for
me! [laughs] For more information, here's float reporter
Mike.
Director: And we're clear.

Off air:

Mary: This is fun, isn't this fun?
Frasier: Yes, yes, but you know, Mary, maybe we should try sticking
to the script, hmm? The more we improvise, the less
professional we look.
Mary: Oh, okay, I'm sorry now.
Director: Hey, Mary, great ad-libbing. More of that. Frasier, try to
loosen up. We're back in five! [counts down]

CUT TO: Later.

We now see Frasier and Mary at the parade on the television at
Frasier's apartment.

Frasier: Say, Mary, this enormous stocking is overstocked with presents!
Mary: Ooh, I'd like to tear into one of those gifts right now.
Frasier: Well, not until Christmas morning, Mary. You know, in my
house, we don't even shake the boxes.

The camera pulls back to show the household watching the television
in the midst of much wrapping paper and opened presents. Martin is
sat in his fishing gear with an ear-flap hat on. Daphne is decked out
in skiing gear. Niles is sat wearing his winter clothes reading a
book. They react to Frasier's comments.

Niles: We're going to need some wrapping paper.
Daphne: There's a couple of rolls in my room.
Martin: I'll get some tape.

The three start about the task.

FADE TO:

Scene Three - Christmas Parade.
Frasier and Mary are continuing their “banter.” "We Wish You A Merry
Christmas" plays behind them.

Frasier: This is the 5th float sponsored by a local software company.
Mary: Hey, those guys on that giant were knocked over by candy cane.
Frasier: Yes, Mary, [showing her script] and for a hundred and fifty
feet, it certainly is the largest float on the parade.
Mary: Throw some candy canes over here! [shouts] Come on, come on,
put some muscle into it, you nerd!
Frasier: Mary...

Suddenly, a barrage of candy suddenly engulfs Frasier, knocking his
headset off.

Frasier: [smiling] This might be a good time for a break. We have an
exciting surprise coming up - a special mystery guest.
Mary: [suddenly, ad-libbed] It's Santa!

Frasier carries on smiling, against all odds.

Frasier: Thank you, Mary!
Director: And, we're clear!

Off air:

Frasier: I think I'm gonna go get some air.
Mary: But we're outside.
Frasier: Stretch my legs!

Frasier goes down from his podium to Roz, who is watching the parade
with Alice.

Roz: Hey, Frasier, thanks for the tickets. Alice is having a
great time.
Frasier: Well, I'm glad somebody is. Mary is ruining my parade. Do
you know, [refers to his script] this has been called "nice
banter" by a top parade professional. Does anybody get to
hear it? No. Instead, Mary just prattles on endlessly as if
every idea that pops into her head is worth saying out loud.
She is totally unpredictable. Now, Santa's coming up and
I've prepared a really cute bit and I know she's going to
ruin that too!
Roz: Look, if you tell her how important it is, I'm sure she'll
back off. She's a reasonable person.

The director calls.

Director: Fifteen seconds.
Roz: Good luck.

Frasier goes up to Mary.

Frasier: Mary, listen, I've let you have free reign over the parade
this evening, could I please do the Santa interview myself?
Mary: Oh, of course, of course.
Frasier: Great.
Director: And cue.

Frasier walks down to in front of the podium. On air: "Santa Claus
is Coming to Town" plays in the background.

Frasier: And we're back. I see someone special getting off his sleigh.
Santa: [enters] Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho. [to crowd] Well, hello, up there.
Frasier: Some call him St. Nick, others Kris Kringle, in Holland
he's affectionately known as...

Santa walks up to Mary.

Santa: Oh, you must be Dr. Mary. You know, I've been meaning to
call your show. My elves always seem to get a little blue
when the work is done, and I thought, well, maybe you could
help.
Mary: Oh, Santa.
Frasier: Santa, I've got some questions over here for you.
Mary: Maybe we all could put our heads together and come up with a
solution.
Santa: [to crowd] Do you think that Dr. Mary could help Santa to
cheer up his elves? [they cheer]
Mary: Why don't you give them some candy?

The two walk down to Frasier.

Santa: That's a great idea.
Frasier: No, that's a terrible idea. Your elves are probably suffering
from seasonal-affective disorder. Now, loading them up with
sweets will only aggravate the problem!
Santa: Kids love candy! [the crowd cheers]
Frasier: Elves are not kids, they're tiny men!
Mary: Well, if you want my opinion...
Frasier: No, thank you, Mary. We've been listening to your opinions
all night, and frankly there isn't enough room left in our
heads for another one, now if you would just get back in...

Frasier puts his hands out and accidentally punches Santa on the nose
with his microphone.

Frasier: I'm so sorry.
Santa: What the hell's wrong with you? Look, I'm bleeding, I'm
bleeding.
Frasier: It was an accident.
Santa: I'm feeling dizzy.

Santa faints.

Director: Cue the tape. I don't care what tape, find something!
Woman: What's wrong with you? You att*cked Santa Claus!
Frasier: Look, it was an accident. Wasn't it, Mary? You saw it.
Mary: Oh, now, you want my opinion. Honey, you're on your own.

We FADE OUT.

Scene Three - Christmas Parade.
The parade has ended and the place is empty. Frasier walks up to Mary
with a guilty look on his face.

Frasier: Hello, Mary.
Mary: Hello. Any word on Santa?
Frasier: Oh, he'll be all right. They gave him a coagulant. I'd like
to apologize for the way I acted toward you. It was rude and
disrespectful.
Mary: Well, what did I do to make you treat me that way?
Frasier: Well, it's just that doing this parade has been a dream of
mine and it felt like you were taking that away from me.
Mary: Oh, what do you mean? We're a team.
Frasier: Oh, yeah. I was the boring, stiff guy and you were the one
everybody loved.
Mary: Oh, come on, now.
Frasier: No, it's true, Mary. This town has taken you into its heart
in a way that they never have with me. I guess I'm a little
jealous of that.
Mary: Oh, Frasier, if it helps, I forgive you and you know something,
when you're not trying so hard, you're actually kinda lovable
yourself.
Frasier: Really? Would I be over-stepping my bounds if I were to ask
for some sugar right now?

They hug.

Mary: Merry Christmas, Frasier.
Frasier: Merry Christmas, Mary.
Mary: Well, I'm gonna get on out of here, now.
Frasier: Right, right, you know, I'd offer to walk you to your car
but there's still some angry parents in the parking lot!
Mary: Oh, okay.
Frasier: Bye-bye.

Mary exits. Frasier wanders over to the stands and sits. A man puts
his hand down to him, Frasier assumes it is the cleaner. The man
remarks "Excuse me".

Frasier: You just sweep around me.
Bob: Um, no, I want to introduce myself. I'm Bob Vernon.

Frasier stands to greet him, over-thrilled.

Frasier: What? Bob Vernon?
Bob: That's right.

Bob does his signature gesture.

Frasier: Oh, it's an honor, sir.
Bob: Thank you.
Frasier: Say, you didn't watch the parade this evening did you?
Bob: Well, I turned it off when the smelling salts started making
Santa nauseous. You know, Frasier, I got off to a rather
rough start at this parade myself.
Frasier: You did?
Bob: Hm. Oh yes. Sergeant Michelle and I had absolutely no
rapport that first year.
Frasier: [surprised] No?!
Bob: Frankly she got on my nerves. You know, she wasn't a real
sergeant.
Frasier: [shocked] No?!
Bob: Listen, son, try to lighten up on yourself. You did some
real nice work down here today.
Frasier: Thanks.
Bob: Good luck.

Bob starts to leave.

Frasier: Say, Mr. Vernon?
Bob: Yes?
Frasier: Is there any chance that you'd like to join me in a little
banter?
Bob: It would be an honor.

They sit on the steps as Frasier opens his script. Bob puts on his
reading glasses.

Frasier: Right here: [reads] Say, Bob. Have you ever seen eighty
beavers march in perfect rhythm?
Bob: Frasier, everyone knows beavers can't march.
Frasier: They can, when they're the marching beavers of the riverside
high school band!
Bob: Oh, you tricked me.
Frasier: Sorry, Bob, but how about those incredible...

They carrying on bantering as Frasier fulfills his childhood dreams.

End of Act Two.

Credits:

It is Christmas Day and the time has come to open up the presents
under the tree. Daphne, Niles and Martin all have to fake surprise in
front of Frasier as they re-open their gifts. Frasier opens a gift
and finds Martin's fishing cap in there. It seems they put it back in
the wrong box. Frasier is at first taken aback at this weird choice
for him but still puts it on. The g*ng plays along as Niles points
out to him under closed teeth that it suits him. Martin, however,
kicks the gift box in frustration at not receiving the hat which he
had been looking forward to.