10x23 - Analyzed Kiss

[bunniefuu]

Title Card: The tip of the Space Needle glows.

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

Scene One – Radio Studio
Frasier is nearing the end of his show.

Frasier: Well, I think we’ve got time for one last caller. Roz, who have
we got?

He looks over and sees Roz on the phone, turned away from him and writing
on a pad.

Roz: Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm...

Peeved, Frasier tosses a pencil against the glass to get her attention.
She notices him, but waves him off.

Frasier: Well, I suppose I’ll be fielding this last one myself. Let’s try
line two. [pushes button] Go ahead, caller, your name and problem,
please.
Ernie: [v.o.] Yes sir, my name’s Ernie, and I’m real angry at my dog.
Frasier: Okay, Ernie. Uh, very often when people have feelings towards
their pets it often reflect feelings they have about themselves
and their place in society. So tell me, why are you angry at
your dog?
Ernie: [v.o.] Well, he keeps telling me to take off my foil helmet.

b*at.

Frasier: Would you hold on, Ernie? Um, someone will come on the line with
the number of an expert in this sort of situation. Let’s try, uh,
line four. [presses button]
Roz: [v.o.] Oh yes, of course I’m interested! I’ll fax my resume right
over!

Frasier mutes the line.

Frasier: Well, the news is up next, followed by the market update with
Julia Wilcox. That’s it for me today. This is Dr. Frasier
Crane saying, good day and good mental health.

He goes off the air and glares at Roz, who mouths, “I’m sorry.” Kenny
enters with some copies, which he lays on Frasier’s console.

Kenny: Another great show, doc.
Frasier: Did you even listen?
Kenny: You don’t have to eat every Big Mac to know it’s a delicious
hamburger sandwich.

Roz enters.

Frasier: Roz, what’s going on?
Roz: I’m sorry, but they want to interview me for the program director
job at KPXY.
Frasier: Well... that’s great, but I didn’t even know you were looking.
Roz: I wasn’t! They just called me, out of the blue! I-I’m actually
shocked, because I have very limited experience in management.
But, well, Kenny’s in management, how hard can it be?

Frasier nods in agreement.

Kenny: Hey, it’s not that easy. I know it looks like a monkey can do
my job, but it can’t. True story.

Kenny exits.

Frasier: Well, gosh, Roz, I, I must say I’ve got some mixed feelings about
this. I mean, I couldn’t be happier that you’re finally getting
the recognition you deserve, but I’m gonna miss you.
Roz: Oh, let’s wait ‘til there’s a real offer before we break out the
Kleenex and champagne.

Julia enters.

Julia: Well, Roz, Kenny told me about your job interview. Good luck.
Roz: Oh, I get it. It’ll be good luck because if I get the job,
I’ll be gone.
Julia: No, it sounds like a good position for you.
Roz: Right, cause I get into a lot of sexual positions with a lot of
guys.
Julia: I’m saying congratulations.
Roz: Oh. Thank you.

She crosses back to her booth.

Roz: [sotto voce to Frasier] What’s her problem?
Frasier: Oh, I...

Roz closes her door.

Frasier: Well, you’re being uncharacteristically decent today. You all
right?
Julia: I’m fine. [then] All right, I might as well tell you before he
does. Avery and I broke up.
Frasier: Oh. Gosh, uh, what happened?
Julia: I got tired of listening to him promise he’d leave his wife.
Frasier: Well, I’m sorry. I realize you must be going through...
Julia: Oh, I don’t need your sympathy. I’m not one of your pathetic
code three whackadoos.
Frasier: I was just trying to help. No need to insult my callers.

Roz sticks her head back in.

Roz: Foil Helmet Guy says his dog needs to speak to you.

Unable to say anything to Julia, Frasier just motions vaguely towards
Roz’s booth before exiting.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

Scene Two – Café Nervosa
The café is packed – the line to the counter reaches back to the door,
and every table is occupied. Frasier enters.

Frasier: Oh, excuse me...

He threads his way over to the table in the rear, where Daphne is seated
alone.

Frasier: Hi, Daph.
Daphne: Hello.
Frasier: Gosh, I’ve never seen this place so crowded. What’s the
occasion?
Daphne: It’s Mum’s day off. Apparently there was a mass e-mail.
Frasier: So, is Niles going to be joining us?
Daphne: No, he’s taking your father to the sh**ting range.
Frasier: Oh, yes, yes, of course, I’d forgotten. He asked me to take him,
but then I suggested that when it comes to g*ns, perhaps he would
prefer someone of Niles’s... caliber. [chuckles] I’m in rare form
today.
Daphne: You should see this place when they know you’re not coming.

As a couple leaves one of the tables in the middle, Julia comes in,
talking on her cell phone.

Julia: No, Avery... two-thirds of the work on that program is mine!
Well, I don’t have to prove it, it’s a fact! Oh – oh, yeah?

Another couple from the line tries to claim the table, but Julia drops
her satchel on it.

Julia: Well, I should have expected as much from a man who wears leopard
print bikini briefs! [holds up phone, to the whole café] Avery
McManus wears shiny, acetate, man-panties!

She sits.

Frasier: [to Daphne] Excuse me.

He goes over to Julia’s table.

Frasier: Is everything okay?
Julia: No. Now that I’ve dumped your bastard accountant, he’s trying
to cut me out of our software program.
Frasier: Software program?
Julia: We – mostly me – developed a proprietary method for analyzing
price/volume momentum – I call it vector scaling – that can
quantify the likelihood of longer-term trends. Do you realize
what that means?
Frasier: [at a loss] It’s good.
Julia: That program is my baby, I have been working on it for months.
I think your bastard accountant has been using me all along.
Thanks for setting us up!
Frasier: I did no such thing!
Julia: You know what I ought to do? I ought to go down to his office,
demand my files, and then trash the place!

She rises angrily, Frasier restrains her.

Frasier: Just a second, just a second, just sit down. Sit down, please.
[she does] Take a moment to calm down before you make any rash
decisions.
Julia: In a few hours, I’m leaving town for a week. There’s no way
I’m leaving your bastard accountant in control of those files.
Frasier: All right, well, if you insist, then perhaps I should go with
you. Maybe I can help facilitate things.
Julia: Why? What’s in it for you?
Frasier: Nothing! Surely you can conceive of the possibility that
someone might want to just do something nice for you?
Julia: You and Avery are in this together, aren’t you?
Frasier: Of course not! You’re not being rational, you know. Perhaps
Avery is just holding your program hostage because he feels
hurt. Perhaps this is his clumsy way of trying to initiate a
dialogue.

Julia looks at him thoughtfully.

Julia: You really do try to see the best in everyone, don’t you?
Frasier: Yes, I do.
Julia: So, what do you see when you look at me?
Frasier: Well... I see a woman who’s been hurt, not once but many times.
A woman who finds it so difficult to trust someone, she won’t
allow herself to be vulnerable. A woman... [Julia gets up and
walks out] whose eyes are going to get stuck if she keeps
rolling them like that!

He gets up and follows her.

FADE OUT.

THE BANG g*ng


FADE IN:

Scene Three – sh**ting Range
Martin is standing in a booth, f*ring an a*t*matic. Niles is standing
behind him, looking extremely uncomfortable. Both are wearing ear
protectors and range glasses.

Martin: Ah, look at that grouping!
Niles: Hey, uh, Dad, you about ready to go?
Martin: I guess I’ve still got the touch. Hey, Niles, you ought to
give it a try.
Niles: Thanks, Dad, you know how I feel about handguns. They breed
v*olence.
Martin: Oh, come on, this is just simple target sh**ting, that’s all.

He puts down his g*n and calls his target back.

Martin: Ha-ha, yeah! Here’s one dirtbag isn’t going to be selling cr*ck
at any schoolyards anytime soon.

Three men standing at the next booth come over, having heard Niles.

Red: You should listen to the man. sh**ting’s a great sport. [shaking
hands] Red Brewer. And these clowns here are Mitch and Wayne.

Niles shakes their hands, ad-libbing hellos.

Niles: I’m Niles Crane, and this is my father, Martin Crane.
Martin: [shaking hands] Oh, hi, how you doing, guys?
Red: Listen Niles, let me show you how to do this. I think you’ll
enjoy it. It’s pretty simple.

He picks up his own p*stol and demonstrates as he talks.

Red: You just take a solid stance, hold the grip firmly, steady your
g*n hand with your other, fingers to fingers, thumbs to thumb,
focus on the front sight, and squeeze the trigger.

He fires, making Niles jump.

Red: Okay, you try.
Niles: Oh, you know, no offense, but I, uh, I just, I’m not real
comfortable with g*ns.
Red: You know, Mitch used to be that way, too.
Mitch: Yeah, the only w*apon I’d go near was a bow and arrow.
Niles: [interested] I, uh, I got an archery badge at day camp.
Red: This is like archery, but safer. The w*apon’s more stable,
and you’re in a controlled environment.
Martin: Go on, give it a try, son.
Niles: Well, I, uh, just – I’ll do one little one.

He steps up and takes Red’s p*stol.

Red: Just remember: stance, grip, aim, relax, sh**t.
Niles: Okay. [mimics Red] Stance, grip, aim, relax... [tilts his head
to the left] sh**t.

He pulls the trigger. The recoil knocks him back about a foot, but Martin
and the guys look pleased.

Niles: Did I do it?
Red: You not only did it, you hit the target. [points] See? Sixth
ring out. Look at the kid, he hit the target his first time.
Mitch: Not bad, kid.
Wayne: Way to go, kid.
Martin: That’s my kid!
Niles: That was a unique experience. I’m sure I’ll dine out on that
story for months.
Red: Don’t quit now, go again. But remember, this time, squeeze the
trigger, don’t pull.
Niles: Okay.

He takes his stance again, with his head cocked to the left again.

Niles: Squeeze...

He fires again, this time staying on balance.

Red: Wow, you’re pretty good at this! The kid’s a natural, am I
right?
Niles: Can I go again?
Red: Yeah.

Niles, more confident, fires one sh*t after the other. He experiments,
tilting his head to the right and sighting with his other eye, as we:

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

Scene Four – Avery’s Office
Julia is pacing outside Avery’s office door, when Frasier comes in.

Julia: What took you so long?
Frasier: I was looking for street parking. Do you have any idea how much
this garage charges?

Julia knocks on the door. No answer. She knocks again.

Julia: Avery’s not here.
Frasier: Oh, great, it cost me three-fifty to find that out.
Julia: No, it’s good. It’ll make it easier for me to get my program
back.
Frasier: What do you mean?
Julia: I know his keypad code. [starts to enter it]
Frasier: Wh-wh-what? That is breaking and entering!
Julia: Oh, if you’re so scared, why don’t you just leave?
Frasier: Well, I’m-I’m not scared! I...

The door opens, and Julia enters the office. Frasier follows her in.

RESET TO: Office

Julia starts to r*fle through Avery’s desk.

Frasier: I’ll have you know I’ve had my fair share of escapades. Back
in med school I once dressed a cadaver in cap and gown and...
Julia: [finds a disk] Oh, here’s my program! Okay, good. [logs on the
computer] Now, just in case he backed it up, I am going to
delete everything from his hard drive.
Frasier: Julia, I-I-I beg you to rethink this. I realize you’re angry
at Avery-
Julia: I’m not feeling anger. Just the peace that comes with knowing
that Avery will be royally screwed – by me.

Sounds are heard outside the door.

Frasier: There’s somebody at the door!

Julia points him to the closet. They rush in as someone outside is
heard entering the code.

RESET TO: Closet

They go inside and close the door. Julia cracks the door and peeks
outside, then closes the door softly.

They both whisper:

Julia: It’s the cleaning woman. I thought so, I’ve hidden from her
before.
Frasier: Julia, there’s still time to end this.
Julia: Shh!
Frasier: Look, you know that what you’re doing is wrong. You should
just get out now before more harm is done.
Julia: Will you shut up? It’s pointless to hide in a closet if the
people outside can hear you!
Frasier: You’re going to get caught.
Julia: Because you won’t shut up!
Frasier: It’s never too late to do the right thing. No matter how low
someone else sinks, joining them there does not make things
better.

Julia does not shush him. Suddenly she wraps her arms around his neck,
and kisses him, closing her eyes. He is caught off guard, but
reflexively returns the kiss and puts his arms around her...

Outside, the door closes. She breaks away and exits back into the office.
Frasier stands there, totally bewildered. He feels his lips for a moment
as if to check to see if it really happened. Then he follows her into
the office.

RESET TO: Office
The cleaning lady is gone, and Julia is back typing at the computer.

Frasier: What was that?
Julia: What?
Frasier: You kissed me.
Julia: I was trying to shut you up.
Frasier: Oh, no. I’ve been kissed to shut me up before. This was not
that.

The computer beeps.

Julia: Got it. All files deleted. [pause] You know, that didn’t make
me feel as good as I thought.
Frasier: That’s because you know you did the wrong thing.

Julia shoves the contents of the desktop onto the floor, breaking the
computer and scattering files.

Julia: [happy] Ah, that’s better.

She runs out, followed by Frasier.

End of Act One

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

Scene Five – Café Nervosa
The café is still packed. Frasier is seated at a table when Roz comes
in.

Roz: Well, it doesn’t look like I’ll be leaving KACL anytime soon.
[crosses to the counter] Coffee to go, please?
Frasier: Well... dear lord, what-what happened, Roz?
Roz: [sits with him] Turns out the person who’s interviewing me is
a guy I’ve slept with.
Frasier: What are the odds?
Roz: [gives him a look, then] It was ten years ago, at a convention
in Cancun. We were all hammered.
Frasier: Oh, I’m surprised you even remember him.
Roz: Well, it’s hard to forget when you wake up with a nametag on
your pillow that says, “Hola! My name is Woody Wiswell.”
Frasier: So what’s the problem?
Roz: There’s just something weird about it. I don’t know, maybe I’m
just freaking myself out because I’m not sure I’m ready for this
job.
Frasier: Well, of course you are, Roz. I mean, come on, don’t doubt
yourself. Listen, they’re the ones that called you, right?
Roz: Yeah.
Frasier: You go down there and you get that job. You’re going to make a
great program director.
Roz: You really think I will?
Frasier: Of course I do. Even though... I wish you could stay with me
forever. I’m going to miss you so much, Roz.
Roz: [excited] Oh, stop it! I don’t even have the job yet, you’re
gonna jinx it! [a waiter brings her coffee] Thank you. [to
Frasier] Listen, I’d better go and get my presentation together
so I can impress Woody Wiswell.
Frasier: Seems to me you’ve impressed him already.

As Roz leaves, she passes Julia, entering.

Frasier: Julia—
Julia: [quickly] Hello. [crosses to the counter] Can I have a latte to
go, please?

Frasier gets up and stands beside her.

Frasier: Listen, Julia, Julia, I’ve been dying to talk to you all week
long about what happened in Avery’s office. Obviously something
is going on, and I have several hypotheses. [Julia gets her
coffee and starts adding sugar] It could be displaced passion,
frustration from a failed relationship, or an adrenaline-induced
action as a result of stress we were both suffering from...
Julia: [finishes] Oh, Frasier, for once in your life, would you please
shut up?

She exits, passing Martin and Niles entering.

Julia: Hello.
Martin/Niles: Oh, hi./Hello.
Frasier: Hi, guys.
Niles: Hey, Frasier.
Martin: Hey, Fras, you look a little down. Everything okay? [to a
waiter] Uh, two coffees, please.
Frasier: Dad, if you had any perspicacity whatsoever, you would know
that this expression is merely ruminative perplexity.
Martin: My bad.

They sit.

Frasier: It’s nothing serious. I’ll work it out.
Niles: You know where I like to work things out? The sh**ting range.
Frasier: Good Lord, Niles, are you still going down there? I thought
you hated g*ns.
Niles: Oh, believe me, I never expected I’d like it as much as I do.
But when you’re in that booth, focused on-on precision, and
accuracy, it’s not dissimilar to a kind of meditation. [Frasier
looks intrigued] Wouldn’t you agree, Dad?
Martin: [shrugs] I just like to sh**t stuff, son.
Niles: Fair enough. [to Frasier] You should join us. There’s a great
bunch of guys I sh**t with. I think you’d like them.
Frasier: Well, I’m not sure I’d fit in with a bunch of trigger-happy g*n
nuts.
Niles: Now, don’t stereotype them. These are decent family men who
enjoy marksmanship. It’s a good group we’ve got. Dad and I
are going down this afternoon.
Martin: No, I don’t think I’m going to come today, Niles.
Niles: Well... it’s Mitch’s birthday.
Martin: Well, I usually go sh**ting twice a year or so, and after this
week I’ve had my fill. [the waiter brings their coffees] Thank
you.
Niles: Well, I’m still going. My sh**ting’s getting better and better.
Oh, plus the g*n show’s in town and the guys are bringing me
passes.
Frasier: A g*n show? What’s next, square dancing?
Niles: Maybe. [raises his cup] This country was built by g*n-totin’
square dancers.

Martin clinks his cup against Niles’s.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

Scene Six – Woody Wiswell’s Office
Roz, dressed professionally in a suit, is seated in front of Woody Wiswell,
a good-looking man with a permanent friendly smile.

Roz: So, I really appreciate you bringing me in for this interview.
I’ve been listening to your station for a while, and I’ve
prepared a little presentation that I think will show you what
I can bring to the KPXY family.
Woody: Oh, that’s not necessary. I mean, this is just a formality.
Trust me, I know what you can do.
Roz: [wary] Really?
Woody: Yeah. I, uh, I already told the guys about you.
Roz: What exactly did you tell them?
Woody: Oh, you know – how incredible you are.
Roz: Okay, look, I-I think there’s something that needs to be said
here. Why don’t we just get it all out in the open? Yes, we
slept together in Cancun, but I don’t want that to affect the
job. I mean, it was ten years ago, I...
Woody: What are you talking about? Look, I think you have me mistaken
for someone else.
Roz: And I think I would remember a name like Woody Wiswell. I mean,
seriously, whose named Woody Wiswell?
Woody: Yeah, well, just me and my dad.

His smile disappears as they both realize.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

Scene Seven – g*n Show
Daphne looks on uncomfortably as Niles examines a-

Daphne: Darling, I just don’t think you need an ankle holster when you
don’t even own a g*n.
Niles: Well, first of all, who says it’s for me, Miss I-Never-Surprise-
You-Anymore? And second of all, I’m thinking I might own a g*n
soon.
Daphne: [firmly] No, you won’t.
Niles: No, no, no, don’t worry. I, I would keep the g*n in a locker
at the sh**ting range. I would never have a g*n in the same
house as your mother.

Martin comes over, looking disappointed.

Martin: Now they’re saying Daisy Duke might not get here.

Niles pats him on the shoulder. Red, Mitch, and Wayne come over.

Red: Hey, how’s it going, kid?
Niles: Hey, you guys, how are you? Oh, listen, I want you to meet my
wife, Daphne. Daphne, this is Red, and Wayne, and Mitch.
These are the guys I was telling you about.
Daphne: Nice to meet you. [they ad-lib hellos]
Red: Listen, kid, we’ve been talking it over, and since we get along
so well at the club, we’d like to invite you down to our compound
in Idaho for a weekend.

For Martin and Daphne, this immediately sets off alarm bells.

Niles: [thrilled] A compound? [to Martin and Daphne] It’s just like
the Kennedys! [to the guys] That sounds smashing.
Red: Hey, that’s the spirit.
Mitch: See, I told you. Hey, look, you’re good at math, right? [Niles
shrugs] Come help me guess how many shells are in that jar so I
can win the ATV?
Niles: Oh, excuse me. [as he follows Mitch] What kind of TV?

[N.B. All-Terrain Vehicle – a m*llitary transport.]

Red: [to Daphne] Nice to meet you, ma’am.
Martin: Oh, uh, Red, hold on a second. Uh, just what kind of place do
you guys have in Idaho?
Red: Run-of-the-mill compound in the wilderness – free country where
we live by the true Constitution.

He and the guys move off with Niles.

Daphne: They’re those militia people! You fix this, now.

Niles comes back.

Niles: This is fun, huh?
Martin: Uh, son...
Daphne: What your father means is, you shouldn’t be friends with these
people.
Martin: Yeah, these are not your kind of guys.
Niles: Why not?
Martin: Well, let’s just go and we’ll talk about it in the car.
Niles: Oh, I can’t believe you two. You’re always telling me my friends
are too artsy and too snooty. Now I finally have friends who are
regular guys, and you don’t like them either? Well, I’m having a
good time, and I’m enjoying being a regular guy myself.
Martin: Niles, we think they want to overthrow the government!
Niles: That’s what you say about public television. Now, if you’ll
excuse me?

He goes over to where Red and the guys are examining a brochure.

Niles: Hey, guys, whatcha doing?
Red: We’re chipping in for this gas-powered generator. We’re going
to need it when it comes time for the New World Order.
Niles: Well, that sounds great, excuse me just a second.

He turns back to Martin and Daphne.

Niles: Okay, they’re militia.
Martin: Yeah.
Niles: Go, go, go, go, go....

They make a hasty exit.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

Scene Eight – Radio Studio
Frasier is talking to Roz in her booth. Roz is still wearing her suit.

Frasier: I just don’t understand how this sort of thing can happen.
Don’t you look at faces?
Roz: It was a long time ago, it was dark. And get off my case because
it doesn’t matter anyway - I got the job!
Frasier: Oh, congratulations, Roz. I’m so proud of you. Now can I tell
you how much I’m going to miss you?
Roz: Yes.

They hug.

Roz: It is going to be sad to leave the station. But it’s not like
I’m leaving town, Frasier.
Frasier: I know, I know.
Roz: I’ll see you.
Frasier: See you, Roz.
Roz: Bye.

Roz exits down the hallway. Julia passes by the booth. Frasier rushes
out of the door and calls after her.

Frasier: Julia! Julia! Julia!

She ignores him and enters his booth from the other door.

Frasier: All right. [crosses into his booth] Listen, you can try to
avoid me all you like. We are going to talk this thing out.
Julia: Fine, fine. Anything to get you off my back.

She closes the door and puts her folder down on the console.

Julia: I was looking at you in the closet, and thinking how you always
try to do the right thing, and I felt a rush of affection for you.
Call me cynical, but I’ve come to accept that most people live by
the rule of screw or be screwed. But to see you, and how much you
care, and really mean it, I... well, it’s endearing. [holds up a
finger] Irritating, but endearing.
Frasier: Well, you know, I... I am flattered, but there are a lot of
genuine people out there. It’s just that for whatever reason –
fear, anger, hurt - they’re afraid to show it...

Julia grabs him again and kisses him deeply. He wraps his arms around
her. Then they break apart.

Julia: [frustrated] Oh, it’s just like the feeling you get when you
see a cute teddy bear in the store and you want to hug it until
its head pops off!

By now, Frasier realizes he’s on firmer ground.

Frasier: Could I possibly irritate you over dinner some night?
Julia: [hesitant, but] Well, if anybody could, it’d be you.
Frasier: Take your time, work things out. I’m not going anywhere.
I realize that you’re in a vulnerable place right now,
and that...

She puts one arm around his neck and gives him a quick peck on the lips.

Frasier: Oh, I recognize that one. That was to shut me up.
Julia: Yeah. [starts to leave, then] Maybe Thursday.

She exits the booth and walks back down the hallway. Frasier, smiling,
turns and gives a little smitten wave as she passes by the booth.

FADE OUT.

End of Act Two

Credits:
Café Nervosa
The café is still packed, but then the crowd notices Gertrude enter.
She goes into the back room and puts on her apron for work. But when
she comes back to the counter, she sees the last of the customers
filing out the door and the café is empty. Gertrude shrugs and starts
to clear the tables.