11x17 - Coots and Ladders

[bunniefuu]

Skyline:A cloud appears and sprinkles rain.

ACT I

[N.B. The first scene of Act One has Frasier telling a story to Niles
in the apartment, constantly interrupted by flashbacks and alternative
versions of said flashbacks. To preserve continuity, scenes that take
place in a single setting over a continuous time have been named as a
single scene in several parts: “1a, 1b, etc.”]

Scene 1-a - Frasier's apartment
It is stormy outside and Frasier is fretting about something, pacing
nervously. The doorbell rings, and he rushes to admit Niles.

Frasier: [frantically] Oh, Niles! Thank God you've come quickly.
I've been going mad.
Niles: This better be a real emergency, Frasier. You pulled me away
from the Gifted Infants Toy Expo.
Frasier: Yes, yes, you missed out on buying a Tickle Me Tolstoy doll.
Niles, my problem is more important than that. You see, I've...
[desperately] oh, dear God. Niles, I've committed a crime!
Niles: Don't tell me. You forgot to send the opera board a thank you
note for the Christmas brickle.
Frasier: By God, man, it's a real crime! Punishable by law!

At this moment, a thunderclap and a flash of lightning.

Niles: By law?
Frasier: Of the United States of America.

Another thunderclap and lightning flash.

Niles: Good heavens, what have you done?
Frasier: I'll tell you. But before you judge me, Niles, please, remember
how much stress I've been under lately.
Niles: Of course. Tell me everything, leave nothing out.

Frasier sits. Niles goes to the sherry bar.

Frasier: All right. It was a dark and stormy day...
Niles: You can leave that out.
Frasier: All right. It was an average day, marred only by a persistent
cough caused by a barista's over-nutmegging my machiatto.

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene 2 – KACL
Frasier is taking a call.

Frasier: Go ahead, Babette, what can I do for you?
Babette: [v.o.] Well, Dr. Crane. For about a year now, I've been
stealing. I get these uncontrollable urges to take things.
Frasier: Such as? [He begins to cough and try to stifle it.]
Babette: All kinds of things. Magazines from stores, a friend's
sunglasses... things I don't even want.

Frasier continues to battle with the cough.

Frasier: I see, um... [clearing his throat] Go on.
Babette: It's so unlike me. I mean, my friends think I'm dull. They
all say "Babette, you're like an old shoe." But stealing is
so exciting. It's really the only time I feel alive.
Frasier: Well, it sound to me like you have a classic case of klepto...
[wheezing cough, strained] klepto...

Frasier breaks down, hacking. Roz takes the save.

Roz: Kleptomania. Hi, Babette, this is Roz. And if Dr. Crane
weren't hacking up a hairball, I'm sure he would tell you
that this thrill you get from stealing makes up for an
emptiness in your life.

Frasier drinks from a water bottle, gesturing his approval for what Roz
is saying.

Roz: That's the problem you really need to address. So you should
seek counseling, or at least find a support group.
Frasier: Yes, and may I add...
Roz: She's gone and we're out of time.
Frasier: Oh, well then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane saying "Good day,
Seattle," and "Good mental health."

He signs off.

[N.B. Helen Mirren, a self-proclaimed huge fan of Frasier, has the honor of
being the show's last guest caller.]
Roz enters.

Roz: Are you okay? I haven't heard so much coughing since I was
backstage at Reggae Sunsplash.
Frasier: Well... [clears throat] ...I'm fine, Roz, thank you. Thank you
so much. Your advice was spot on.
Roz: It should be. I've heard you say the same stuff for ten years
now. "Confront your emotions," "communicate," "seek counseling."
Frasier: I didn't realize my advice had become so predictable.
Roz: Well, it's not your fault everyone calls with the same dumb-ass
problems.
Frasier: They're not the same problems. What about that--that caller
last week, the sleepwalking tr*nsv*stite who kept breaking off
his heels in sewer grates?
Roz: Yeah, I remember him. You told him to seek counseling.
Frasier: [indignant] Yes, I also told him to wear flats. Oh, oh, did
maintenance remember to bring me that hammer I asked for?
Roz: Oh, yeah, right here. [She grabs a hammer.] What do you need it
for?
Frasier: [taking the hammer] Some imbecile's been parking in my spot
despite several strongly worded notes I have left on his
windshield. The time has come for me to take matters into
my own hands.
Niles: [v.o.] My God, Frasier, so that’s what you did!

SMASH CUT TO:

Scene 1-b - Frasier's apartment
Cut back to Frasier's narrative to Niles.

Niles: In an uncontrollable rage over the commandeering of your parking
space, you took hammer to car!

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene 3-a - Parking garage
Niles's line continues as a voiceover here. Frasier approaches a car...

Niles: [v.o.] You are a vandal!

And angrily smashes in the windshield and hood with the hammer.

SMASH CUT TO:

Scene 1-c - Frasier's apartment
Frasier corrects Niles's conclusion.

Frasier: It was nothing like that!

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene 3-b - Parking garage
Frasier's narrative continues as a voiceover.

Frasier: [v.o.] My "Reserved" sign was a-dangle. I used the hammer to
tack it back on.

Frasier is seen doing this. An attractive woman approaches as he does.

Willa: Oh, I'm sorry. I-I didn't realize this spot was reserved.
Frasier: [angrily] So all those notes that I left... [seeing her] must
have... blown away. [shaking her hand] Uh, I'm Dr. Frasier
Crane.
Willa: Yes.
Frasier: So you know my show?
Willa: It's on your sign. Willa Haver. I'm so sorry. My assigned
spot is on the roof, and with the rain and everything...
Frasier: Oh, no, no it's perfectly understandable, and now that I know
that this is your Audi, let me be the first to say [grinning]
"Audi, neighbor!"

CUT TO:

Scene 1-d - Back to the Frasier/Niles narrative in the apartment.

Niles: And that's when she took the hammer and put you out of your
misery?
Frasier: That would have been preferable.

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene 3-c - Parking garage
Back to Frasier's conversation with the woman.

Frasier: You know, perhaps in the spirit of détente, I could, uh, buy you
some coffee?
Willa: Oh, well, that is so sweet of you, but I can't right now.
Frasier: Oh, well, perhaps tomorrow?
Willa: Uh, no tomorrow's no good either.
Frasier: Next week, perhaps?
Willa: Next week, uh, I'll be out of town.
Frasier: You know, I'm-I'm not sure if we're having a devil of a time
coordinating our schedules or you're just giving me a polite
brush-off.

She is uncomfortable, says nothing, beeps her car alarm and leaves.

Frasier: [as she gets in her car, dejectedly] OK, now I'm sure.

FADE OUT [First Commercial Break]

HOW TO DEAL WITH A DIM BULB


Scene 1-e – Frasier’s apartment
Fade in. Back to Frasier's narrative to Niles.

Frasier: My morning's travails aside, Niles, you'll be happy to know
I didn't strike out with every woman I encountered today.

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene 4-a - Hallway near the elevator
An elderly woman approaches as Frasier goes to enter his apartment.

[N.B. Estelle Parsons has already “appeared” this season, as a guest
caller in [11.12], “Frasier-Lite.”]

Opal: Frasier. I heard the elevator, and I thought, "I bet that's
Frasier," and it is.
Frasier: How are you, Mrs. Magrini?
Opal: Oh, just grand, and how many times do I have to ask you to call
me Opal? You make me feel like an old woman.
Frasier: [uncomfortably] Opal, then. Lovely to see you again.
Opal: [not taking his strong hints] Some weather!
Frasier: [patiently] Yes, it's just awful.
Opal: Oh! It's blowing a gale.
Frasier: Yes, it's quite a storm.
Opal: And colder than a well-digger's wallet.
Frasier: Yes, that's quite apt.
Opal: I wonder if I could ask a favor.

Frasier patiently waits to hear it.

Opal: I know you're probably as busy as an ant farm, but do you think
you could change a light bulb for me? The last time I tried,
I fell off the ladder, and I lay on my back like...
Frasier: Like a helpless turtle?
Opal: No, like a half-hour till the ambulance came.
Frasier: [nodding it off] Well, uh, let me just get out of these wet
shoes, and I'll be right over.
Opal: Oh, great. I'll make some tea and cookies. We always have such
lively conversations.
Frasier: [veiled sarcasm] Yes, we're reviving a lost art.

Frasier enters his apartment, where Martin and Ronee are sitting on a
couch, looking at photos. Daphne is also there.

Martin: Hey, Fras.
Daphne: Hello.
Martin: Some weather, huh?
Frasier: [irritated] Yes, it's raining. I've just gone over that with
Mrs. Magrini.
Ronee: Hey, come look at these pictures from our engagement party.
Martin: Yeah, that camera you gave us is terrific.
Frasier: What, is that the camera I gave you ten years ago? I can't
believe you've never used it before.
Martin: Shows you what you know. Turns out half the sh*ts on this roll
were taken the night you gave it to me.
Daphne: Niles, come and look at these old pictures.

Niles enters from the kitchen.

Niles: [v.o.] Yes, and then we all looked at the pictures!

SMASH CUT TO:

Scene 1-f - Cut back to the Frasier/Niles narrative.

Niles: I remember it as if it were four hours ago.
Frasier: I am coming to my point!

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene 4-b - Back to looking at the pictures.

Daphne: Oh, Martin, look at you. Sitting in your chair all sour and
grumpy.
Ronee: You must be drunk in this picture, Niles. You've got your arm
around a floor lamp.
Niles: [taking the photo] Oh, no, that's Maris in her Easter hat.
Daphne: [showing Niles a photo] Why are you all hunched over in this
one?
Niles: [uncomfortably] Uh...
Daphne: You were looking at my bum, weren't you?
Niles: Oh, heavens, no!
Daphne: Oh, it's all right, Niles, we're married now.
Niles: All right, yes. I might once in a moment of weakness have
permitted myself a fleeting glance.

She hands him another photo.

Niles: Or twice.

Another photo. The look on Daphne's face is priceless.

Niles: [giving in] Many, many times.

Frasier rolls his eyes.

Daphne: It's all about the rear with you, isn't it?
Niles: Oh, no, darling...
Daphne: [interrupting] No, seriously...

She stands and turns her back to him.

Daphne: What color are my eyes?
Niles: [uncomfortable] Um...
Daphne: You're looking at it again, aren't you?

Of course he is.

Niles: No, I...
Martin: [nostalgically] Boy, you look at these pictures, you can really
see how far we've all come.
Ronee: Oh, I'll say, you were such an old sourpuss and [to Niles] you
with the crypt keeper there, and [to Frasier] you... well, God,
you haven't changed a bit. You're even wearing the same jacket
that you wore in this picture.
Frasier: [looking at the photo] Hardly the same, I've had it relined.

SMASH CUT TO:

Scene 1-g - Back to the narrative.

Frasier: I don't mind telling you, Niles. What happened next was
particularly galling.
Niles: I remember exactly what happened, and I haven't got a clue what
you're talking about.

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene 4-c - Cut back to the nostalgia session.
Martin's arm is around Ronee.

Niles: [peacefully] Our lives are so complete.
Martin: [contentedly] We really are lucky.

SMASH CUT TO:

Scene 1-h - Narrative

Frasier: Oh, please, that's not how it happened at all!

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene 4-d - Frasier's version
Niles, Daphne, Martin, and Ronee are all staring pointedly at Frasier.

Niles: [Daphne in his arm, tauntingly] Our lives are so complete!
Martin: [nyah-nyah!] We really are lucky!

Frasier frowns indignantly.

Daphne: Well, come on, Niles, we should be heading off to the baby show.
Niles: Oh, right.
Daphne: If we're lucky, we might get a lead on a nanny.
Martin: Oh, well you know, there are ads in the back of that Seattle
Weekly.
Ronee: Just make sure you look in the right section. If she says she's
got her own toys and is willing to spank, she may not be a nanny.

SMASH CUT TO:

Scene 1-i - Narrative

Niles: Don't tell me! In your desperation over being the only Crane
man not to find love, you picked up that paper and did the
unthinkable!

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene 5 - Fantasy of Frasier opening the door to a leather-clad call
girl.

Frasier: Tawny LaRue, I presume.

SMASH CUT TO:

Scene 1-j - Narrative

Frasier: I did no such thing, you nit! [b*ating him with the paper] And I
am telling this story!
Niles: Very slowly! I'm beginning to think you didn't do anything!
Frasier: All right, I'm getting to it! Now you'll recall, I promised to
change my neighbor's light bulb.
Niles: Oh, God...

He places his face in his hands, unable to bear much more.

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene 6-a - Opal Magrini's apartment
Brown tones, much antique furniture. Frasier is perched on a ladder by
some high shelves. Opal enters with a plate of cookies.

Opal: Here we are!
Frasier: [looking at a statue] I was just admiring your bust.
Opal: [taking "bust" differently] Thank you!
Frasier: It might look nice a little higher.
Opal: It might look nice a lot higher, but heck, I'm 83. Anyway,
I can't thank you enough for coming to my rescue.
Frasier: Yes, it's lucky you ran into me in the hall.
Opal: Oh, I knew that would be you coming out of the elevator. If
there's one thing I can count on, it's old Frasier's routine,
unchanging as Granddad's whiskers.

She moves around the apartment. Frasier opens the light bulb box.

Opal: There's old Frasier off to work. There's old Frasier coming
home. There's old Frasier off to work. There's old Frasier...
Frasier: Yes, "old Frasier" gets the idea.
Opal: That's why I gave you my spare key. I knew if there was ever
an emergency, I could count on you. Oh, we should have our tea.
My date's picking me up in twenty minutes.
Frasier: How marvelous you're still dating.
Opal: Well, I think an active social life keeps you young. So what
are you doing this evening?
Frasier: I thought I'd stay in with a good book.
Opal: [with a patronizing smile] Ah, isn't that nice? How you're so
cozy in your routine. Ha ha, you're like an old shoe, Frasier.

She taps his leg and walks away.

SMASH CUT TO:

Scene 1-k - Narrative

Frasier: [haunted] That's when I snapped!
Niles: You didn't! You bludgeoned her horribly with that bust!

CUT TO:

Scene 6-b - Fantasy sh*t of Frasier threatening Opal with the bust
from the ladder and her cowering in fear.

SMASH CUT TO:

Scene 1-l - Narrative

Frasier: No, you insane twit!

DISSOLVE TO:

Scene 6-c - Continuation of the scene.

Opal: You're like an old shoe, Frasier, now come have some tea.
Frasier: [v.o. from his conversation with Niles] I suddenly flashed
on my caller, Babette. Before I knew what I was doing,
I impulsively pocketed something that belonged to her.

We see Frasier surreptitiously grabbing a small square box from the shelf
as Opal prepares the tea.

Frasier: [v.o., haunted, menacingly] I stole, Niles! Like some craven
thief. And I've never felt more alive!

Frasier's face as he perpetrates the act is wild with menace.
A thunderclap as he pockets the box. He walks to join Opal,
who saw nothing, for tea. FADE OUT.

END OF ACT I

ACT II

[N.B. Frasier’s story completed, we now return to a normal order of
scenes.]

Scene 7 - Completion of the narrative.

Frasier: You can't imagine the thrill I felt as I sat there sipping her
inferior tea and eating her excellent cookies, all the while
fingering the stolen object in my pocket.

Which he produces for Niles's viewing pleasure.

Frasier: [again with the menacing tone] And then how coolly I walked out,
scot-free, the old bird none the wiser.
Niles: What's in there?
Frasier: Some sort of decorative medallion.
Niles: Well, it's pretty clear what happened. The depressing series
of events today led you to conclude that you're in a rut.
Your spontaneous transgression generated the excitement that
you so desperately wanted.
Frasier: Any Caribbean-trained Psych student could tell me that!
Niles: Well, if you didn't want my diagnosis, why did you call me here?
Frasier: Because I am plagued by guilt. I have to return this box before
it's discovered missing.
Niles: [wary] Why did you call me here?
Frasier: I need your help, Niles. I have her key. I know she's out.
We can put this back and be done with it.
Niles: But I don't want to. I have excitement in my life.
Frasier: Please! I can't trust myself to be alone. I am caught in the
grip of this mania! Who knows what I might steal next?
Niles: You took a little box! I hardly think you're going to run off
on a crime spree.
Frasier: Oh, really?

He produces Niles's handkerchief. Shocked, Niles checks his pocket and
finds it empty.

Niles: [rising] Thief!
Frasier: [menacing again] That's right! I took it, and I liked it!
[pleading] Please, please, Niles!
Niles: I don't want to get involved.
Frasier: Fine, I'll do it myself. Here, hold this for me.

He gives Niles the box.

Niles: [takes it] Why?
Frasier: [snatches it back] Now your prints are on it, too. You have to
help me!
Niles: Fiend!

Frasier runs out the door, chased by Niles, who quickly grabs his coat.
FADE OUT.

Scene 8 - The Magrini apartment
Frasier and Niles enter. It is dark.

Frasier: Admit it, Niles. It's intoxicating, isn't it? Don't you feel
the tingle running down your spine?
Niles: In a minute, it's going to be running down my inseam, hurry up.
Frasier: I've become a danger junkie. A cunning cat burglar with nerves
of steel.

The door rattles. Frasier and Niles shriek in terror.

Frasier: Hide! Hide! Here, here, take this box!
Niles: No, no you've got a pocket.
Frasier: Put it...

They frantically rush out to a balcony, which is hidden by curtains, as a
group of people enter the apartment. Leading them are Opal’s imposing
son, Roland, and her niece, Sarah.

Roland: All right. All right, everybody. Put down your gifts, give me
your coats and I'll put them in the bedroom.

A cell phone rings. Sarah answers.

Sarah: Hello? Thank you! Okay, that was the doorman. Aunt Opal is on
her way up! Everyone find a place to hide!

They rush to take off their coats and hide.

Sarah: All right, quiet everybody! I hear them!

Opal enters with her date. The lights come on and they all jump out and
shout "Surprise!" Frasier and Niles, with no other option, join the
surprise shouts and emerge from the balcony.

Opal: Oh, my goodness! Thank you!

Opal's date begins to remove her coat.

Opal: [seeing the Cranes] Frasier!

They both have stupid grins on their faces.

Sarah: Who are you?
Frasier: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, the next door neighbor, uh, and this is
my brother Niles, uh, we just wanted to say Happy Birthday,
Opal!
Opal: Thank you!
Roland: Did someone invite you?
Frasier: [quick on his feet] Uh, well, the news of this birthday has
been just buzzing through the building. We wouldn't miss an
opportunity to honor this wonderful lady.
Roland: Then how'd you get in here?
Frasier: We slipped in as the door was closing.
Roland: I could swear...
Opal: Stop grilling them, please, Roland! He thinks he has to grill
everyone just because he's a district attorney.

Niles begins to panic and grabs Frasier's arm. The party guests all laugh.

Opal: Now, what would you like to drink?

Another niece, Janelle, enters from the kitchen.

[N.B. Janelle is played by Bernadette Birkett, the real-life wife of George
Wendt, who played Norm Peterson on "Cheers." She played the voice of Norm's
wife Vera on several occasions, and appeared in the third season episode
"Fairy Tales Can Come True" as Tinker Bell.]
Janelle: Champagne!
Frasier: Oh, well, we really can't stay.
Opal: Oh, you can stay a few minutes. You don't want to hurt my
feelings.
Janelle: [to Niles] Here, let me take your coat.
Niles: Oh, my coat, no, I'd really rather you... [it's too late, as she
has removed the coat] Uh, okay.
Janelle: [holding the coat] Oh, my God!
Niles: What, what?
Janelle: You're Dr. Frasier Crane!

She hands the coat to Roland.

Janelle: Here, take this, Roland. I love your show!
Frasier: Oh...
Janelle: It's going to be so exciting to have a celebrity here when we
take Aunt Opal's picture with her medal!
Frasier: Oh.
Niles: [frightened] Medal?!
Janelle: She won the bronze at the 1936 Berlin Olympics.
Frasier: Oh.
Janelle: So what's it like being a huge radio star?
Frasier: [always making time for a fan] Well...
Niles: [subdued panic] Frasier!
Frasier: Yes, yes, in a minute, Niles. Actually, I don't really think of
myself as a star so much as a healer. The important thing is to
listen...
Niles: Frasier?
Frasier: Yes, not now, Niles.
Niles: [with feigned excitement and deeper meaning] Frasier, they're
going to take her picture with her medal!
Frasier: Yes, I heard that. [then, he really DOES hear it] Oh, dear. Uh,
excuse me just a moment.

He takes Niles aside.

Frasier: [under his breath] You have got to get that medal out of your
coat.
Niles: Why don't you get it?
Frasier: I'm a celebrity. They're watching my every move. Go on.

The family members are now all gathered around Aunt Opal.

Sarah: Aunt Opal, tell Dr. Crane the story about how you refused to
shake h*tler's hand when he gave you that medal.
Frasier: Oh!
Opal: It looked sweaty, that's all.

They all laugh.

CUT TO: Niles entering the bedroom. Unfortunately, another elderly woman
(Florence) is napping on top of the coats. She stirs a little. Niles
tries to extract his coat without waking her, but he drags her with it.
She awakens, with Niles’s face a few inches from hers.

Florence: Who are you?
Niles: It's just a dream.
Florence: Then why aren't you Harry Truman?

CUT BACK TO: the party.

Opal: Where's my cake? I'm ready for the cake!
Roland: No, not until we take the family picture, Mother.

Niles has re-entered.

Niles: [softly, to Frasier] I got it.
Opal: Well, then let's take the darned picture. Roland, get my medal
down.
Roland: Where is it?
Opal: Same place it always is, unless it's grown legs like a tadpole
and hopped away.
Frasier: We have got to get that medal up there!
Niles: What do you mean "we?"
Frasier: You're right. Bad plan. You've got to get it up there. All
right, top shelf, right of the sconce. [to the guests] You
know, before we take the picture, I have a little story I'd like
to tell that just may rival that h*tler tale.

They all divert their attention to Frasier. Niles makes sure nobody is
looking before he ascends the ladder.

Frasier: The place...was right here. The time...was this afternoon.
Opal had just set out a lovely service of tea and a plate of
sweets. I remember there were three cookies sitting on the
plate, and I reached for... [with meaning] the LEFT one. Not
the CENTER one, the LEFT one, and just at the same moment, Opal
reached for the very same cookie, and, oh, what did you say?
Oh, it was priceless.
Opal: I said, "You take it."
Frasier: Hah! Right off the top of her head.

Roland notices Niles fumbling on the ladder.

Roland: What are you doing?
Niles: I, uh...
Frasier: Uh, I can tell from the panic in my brother's voice that he must
have seen a spider. You see, he has a crippling fear of spiders,
and it sent him up the ladder.
Niles: Yes, I hate spiders.
Sarah: I didn't see a spider. Come back down.
Frasier: No!
Roland: Why not?
Frasier: Because he also has a crippling fear of heights. This may be
just the breakthrough we've been looking for. Higher, Niles!
Conquer your fear!

Niles - believably - feigns terror.

Frasier: Please, everyone, I'm going to have to ask you to turn around,
as his fear of crowds has set in.
Sarah: Crowds, too?
Frasier: Yes, you are looking at that rarest of beasts, the arachno-acro-
agoraphobe. Please, avert your eyes.

They turn around.

Frasier: This is the most difficult part of the process. I am using a
technique known as behavioral exposure therapy. Climb higher,
Niles. Ever higher, conquer your fear!
Janelle: Wow, Frasier Crane in action!
Frasier: No, please, no peeking! You don't want to cause a setback.

After replacing the medal, Niles slips off the ladder and hangs from the
top shelf by his fingertips. Frasier stifles a scream.

Frasier: Everybody freeze! This is the moment of truth. I haven't done
this since my days in med school.

He motions for them to keep looking away. He then rescues Niles by
climbing under him. Niles is now seated on Frasier's shoulders and
releases the bookshelf. Everybody sees Frasier carrying Niles.

Frasier: Hurrah! He's done it! He's conquered all three!

Niles makes a gesture of triumph with his usual stupid grin.

Opal: What are you doing?
Frasier: Well, you as an athlete should know the time-honored tradition
of hoisting the victor on one's shoulders.
Opal: They never did that to me.
Frasier: Well, you finished third, didn't you? Now if you'll excuse me.
I've got to journal all this while it's still fresh. Good night,
everyone!

He walks toward the door. As he exits, Niles's head bumps on the top of
the doorway. Everybody gasps with concern.

Frasier: Oh! Good Lord, I should have dipped. I tell you...

On the second attempt, Niles bumps his head again. They fumble out the
door.

Frasier: So sorry.

Having made their not so graceful exit from the party, Frasier and Niles
have apparently successfully concealed the crime. FADE OUT.

OEDIPAL UNDIES


Scene 9 - Frasier's apartment
Frasier is on the couch looking at the old photos. Martin enters in his
robe rom the back.

Frasier: Oh, hey, Dad, I didn't know you guys were here. Where's Ronee?
Martin: Oh, she's in bed waiting for me. Hey, Fras, you know what, she
can't see a thing without her contacts. Why don't we play a
little joke on her? You tiptoe in...
Frasier: No, Dad, I'll pass.
Martin: Still looking at those old pictures, huh?
Frasier: Yeah.
Martin: It's funny, isn't it?
Frasier: What?
Martin: How suddenly your whole life can change. I never would've
dreamed back then that I'd end up getting married again,
at my age, and to someone so young and full of pep.
Frasier: I'm very happy for you and Ronee.
Martin: That's the way it is. Just when you think that you're in a rut,
and nothing exciting will ever happen to you again, Pow! That's
when it does.
Frasier: Maybe you're right.
Martin: I know I'm right. Good night, Fras.

He exits to the back.

Frasier: Good night, Dad.

Frasier begins to put the pictures away. Martin suddenly re-enters.

Martin: You know, you could put on my robe and a little bit of my Aqua
Velva...
Frasier: Good night, Dad.

Martin exits again. FADE OUT.

[N.B. This last scene is certainly a foreshadowing of the next episode,
[11.18] “Match Game.” - which might explain why "Match Game" was not aired
until several weeks after it was filmed.]

END OF ACT II

Credits:

Niles exits Frasier's apartment, bidding him farewell, and heads to the
elevator. As he waits, he happily pulls out one of Frasier's sherry
glasses from his coat pocket. But then he checks his other pocket and
becomes worried, for he is obviously missing something. Frasier comes
out, dangling Niles's keys. Niles, realizing he has been outfoxed,
produces the sherry glass, and they exchange their thefts. Frasier
re-enters his apartment, and Niles is clearly very disappointed.