07x03 - Lillypads

[bunniefuu]

Ladies, stop stuffing yourselves with pancakes.

Daddy's coming in at a nine, and we're seconds away from being at a ten.

I got Ruth an interview at Lillypads, the most prestigious preschool in all of Jerry Brown's California!

- Ugh!

Lillypads?

- I found out there was an opening.

Uh, the mayor of Malibu's son just disappeared like that.

We're all praying for his safe return, of course,

- just not until enrollment closes.

- JESS: Oh, my God.

Wait.

Didn't you guys already look at a preschool?

(scoffs) You mean Triangles?

(chickens clucking) Okay.

- Ew.

- Chicken.

- Hmm?

- I made eye contact with the chicken.

He knows that I had eggs for breakfast.

Take her.

Take the pretty one.

I don't think that a chicken - cares that you had eggs.

- No!

I mean, I kind of liked Triangles.

Besides, are we really Lillypads people?

- Yes.

- I hope not.

That kind of competitive, overpriced private school, B dash, dash, dash, dash, dash, dash, dash is the reason why I got out of teaching in the first place.

What did happen at Banyon Canyon?

Yeah, what did happen at Banyon Canyon?

You know I can't discuss that until one of four civil lawsuits is settled.

- I know, but what

- No further questions.

You guys, this is crazy.

Look at this beautiful, impressionable child.

Lillypads is the key to Ruth's future.

If she gets into Lillypads, she gets into Willows.

If she gets into Willows, she gets into Harvard.

And if she gets into Harvard,

- it's a b*llet train to the Oval Office.

- Hmm.

Don't you want Ruth to be the president?

Of course I do, but you can do it without going to some pressure cooker that turns her into a robot.

(in robotic voice): Meep, meep, alphabet, meep, meep, numbers.

Have you not seen Star Wars?

Robots are helpful and - often delightful.

- CECE: Please don't start this again.

You two have been arguing about how Ruth should be raised since the day she was born.

SCHMIDT: I'm sorry, I have to.

Okay, if it was up to her, Ruth would have been born in a rusty tub in the Ladies Y.

I'm not letting your hippie-dippie mishegas

- ruin Ruth's future.

- (gasps) This child is a genius.

Yay!

(grunts)

- Oh!

- RUTH: Whoa.

She does this all the time.

Just give her a minute.

- She'll come to.

- Yeah.

- I'm okay!

- BOTH: (chuckles) There she is.

- (Ruth thuds) Oh, my God.

- Okay, all right.

JESS: Ruth!

I turn my back for two seconds and you turn yourself into a cat toy.

NICK: Hey, Jess.

- Hi.

- I'm off to the bar to write.

This is the first day working on my new idea and I have a perfect plan to make pages.

- Okay.

- All right, I'll see you.

Good-bye, Mr.

Diarrhea-head.

- Hey, do you have my money, Ruth?

- (groans) Then we have nothing to talk about.

Aunt Jess, I have to pee.

What?

Oh, no.

We have to untangle you.

Oh.

We're not, we're not gonna make it.

I'll figure it out.

Wait, wait, what does that mean?

- Hey.

- Hey, why is my baby wrapped up in never mind, she'll figure it out.

We just came back from Lillypads and we need your help.

SCHMIDT: We were picking up our paperwork when we ran into that supervillain/wax figure/ former best friend of mine, Benjamin.

Have you gotten your kid ready for this interview yet?

We got ourselves a 365 tutor, baby.

Christmas, New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, we own this man's ass.

W-What are they getting tested on?

Draw a face.

Cut a circle.

Know colors.

Make eye contact.

- SCHMIDT: I'm sorry, hold on.

- (Cece clears throat) I'm sorry, at three?

- How could a child

- (playing tuneful melody)

Is that your boy over there playing the piccolo?

Oh, yeah.

That's my seed, all right.

I had to lay down.

At which point, Benjamin's child started giving me shiatsu.

- Oh.

- SCHMIDT: Which is apparently another thing he knows how to do.

- Ew.

Preschool tutors?

(scoffs) - SCHMIDT: Okay, Jess, Ruth is never going to make it through this interview without a professional tutor.

And if we look past the whole Banyon Canyon debacle, that's you.

Eh, I got out of that game years ago.

Look, I know it sounds crazy, but Lillypads was really magical.

The kids wear uniforms and, you know, not to sound weird, - but they look hot.

- That sounds weird.

- They did.

- I hear you, I hear you.

They looked super hot.

Anyway, I have to run to work, so is there any chance that you could, you know, teach her how to draw a face, cut a circle, carry out a conversation Okay, fine.

I'll do it, for Ruth.

- BOTH: Yes.

- Under one condition.

- CECE: Sure.

- You do it on my terms.

What?

I'm gonna have to go on a craft run, aren't I?

I'm gonna need pipe cleaners, glitter, glue, finger paints and six different types of macaroni.

And that's just 'cause I'm hungry.

Honest to God, you don't already have all of that in this room already?

I mean (sighs) Martini time.

I like martinis.

You know, I would be back to writing because I'm kind of in a nice flow, but, say, do you mind telling me that really interesting story you just told me about when you bought those shorts?

I bought 'em.

(laughs) A-And from the start of it, when you realized you needed new shorts?

What was going on there?

You just looked around your house and there weren't shorts?

Not the fingers, man, I'm a writer.

What are you doing here, coming up on me like a maniac?

Um, it's me, Winston.

Sorry, man, I'm just really edgy right now.

- All right, man.

- Working on this thing - about Chicago, actually.

- Ooh.

So you know it's gonna be raw.

You know it's gonna be personal.

- Oh, yeah.

- Also, it doesn't exist.

And if I don't have 20 pages by 3:00 today,

- I'm gonna get punched in the face.

- Who, your editor?

No.

Some guy I hired off Craigslist.

Wait, so you hired a man to punch you in the face if you don't write 20 pages?

Yeah.

I have no idea what he looks like, either.

You know, I would have punched you in the face for free.

- Well, I got somebody.

- Okay.

Well, anyway, I have a real problem, one that I didn't bring on myself.

- I'm just really slammed.

- So, I'm a detective now and I have to testify in these trials.

But you know I get rattled on the stand.

Can you repeat the question?

I asked you if you'd like me to repeat the question.

Can you repeat the question?

Can you have her repeat the question?

- Let's dig in.

- Thank you.

When I was at law school, I-I learned that if somebody falls apart on the stand, it's mostly because they're hiding something.

So, I guess my question to you, Detective, is:

- what are you hiding?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

(laughs)

- I have nothing to hide.

Well, maybe not on this case, but perhaps you're hiding something from your past?

Objection.

Form of a question.

Withdrawn.

Isn't it true, Detective, that this could be the result of a guilty conscience?

I have nothing to be guilty about.

Ladies and gentlemen, are we buying this?

'Cause I'm not.

My question is about the night of January 12.

- Wait, what?

No, no, no.

No, no.

- 2001.

Nick, that is a cold case and I won't discuss it any further.

Well, looks like we're discussing it now.

I was not masturbating!

NICK: Easy, Winston.

You just screamed "masturbating. "

- What are you doing, man?

- Sorry.

(sighs) Okay.

Jess, we have four hours.

(Jess exhales) What are they doing?

- (both exhale) - What are they doing?

What are they doing?

What are they doing?

What are they doing?

What are they doing?

What are, what are they doing?!

We're practicing our breathing.

Oh.

Oh, okay, oh, well, good, wonderful.

So, you're teaching Ruth how to do the one thing she's known how to do since birth.

Do you want to get one of your other teacher friends to prep your child for free?

(whispering): I didn't think so.

So shut your souphole.

Oh, look, it's Happy Sock.

- Hi, Happy Sock.

- Hi.

JESS: See, Schmidt?

We're not cutting circles; we're being circles.

Right.

Of course.

Ruth can't hold a scissor, but now she can twirl around like a goon at a Phish show.

Okay, well, now you're just napping.

We're not napping, we're going on a brain exploration.

I take that back, actually.

Ruth is napping.

Okay, well, that's enough, Jess.

You're sending Ruth straight to Triangles.

You hear that?

(mimics a chicken) That's the schoolyard chickens.

And they're and they're pecking at Ruth.

And this time, they want her eyes.

I need my eyes for TV.

Oh, honey, don't you worry about a thing, okay?

Daddy's gonna take over now.

But the clock is a-ticking, so let's start with a drill.

- No.

No drills.

- DRILL is an acronym.

D: Do it.

R: Redo it.

I: Imitate what you just did.

L: Learn to keep doing it.

L: Live the rest of your life doing it.

DRILL, DRILL, DRILL.

Technically, that's an acrostic.

(high-pitched): Sweet burn, Jess.

Yeah.

You got me.

DRILL.

SCHMIDT: And again.

RUTH: Red, yellow, orange, green.

And that is how you earn a dollar in America.

(quietly): She's not your child, she's not your child Okay, Ruth, we're gonna do the colors one more time, and then, we're gonna move on to a section that I like to call "Get the numbers right, and Daddy will give you a stuffed animal.

" SCHMIDT: Here we go.

RUTH: Red, yellow, orange, Denise.

- Yes.

- SCHMIDT: I'm sorry.

Uh Did you just call green "Denise"?

Yes.

The color's name is Denise.

Well, I hope you're happy.

The interview is in an hour, and now green is Denise.

Green is whatever she wants it to be.

(whispers): Green is whatever I want it to be.

- Huh.

- JESS: Green could be Denise or Juanita or Jerry.

I just realized (laughs) - green is Jerry, for me.

- Green is not Jerry for me.

Are you and Aunt Jess in a fight?

Oh, no, no, no.

Uh, we're just telling stories.

Uh, once upon a time, there was a fuzzy bunny who decided that colors didn't need names, and anything could be called anything, and the world descended into chaos.

But the bunny was happy, because the bunny wasn't forced - into somebody else's definition of color.

- Well, the fuzzy bunny wasn't really an authority, now, was she?

Because she used to work at a school where instead of grades, they gave out rainbows.

Bringing up the bunny's past is uncalled for in this cabbage patch.

But the point is: I know about private schools, and the whole system is corrupt.

Said the very fuzzy bunny.

Until the Jewish carrot farmer brought down his mighty shovel.

- The whole system is corrupt.

- (door closes) - What's going on?

- SCHMIDT: Your friend - is costing us Washington.

- Why didn't you marry Shivrang?

Ruth, is that coffee?

- Yep.

- Okay, there is a child here.

I'm gonna take her to the bedroom right now so she can watch local news bloopers.

I don't know why she likes them so much.

They're blowing their big sh*t.

Okay.

All right honey, let's go.

Bye, honey.

Mm-hmm.

Talk to you later.

Bye, Ruth.

Great job.

SCHMIDT: Green is green.

- You did this.

You did this.

- You did this.

You did this.

- You did this.

- You did this.

WINSTON: Are we still on this?

When are you gonna let this go?

When you come clean, Detective.

There is nothing to come clean about.

Wait, aren't you 11 pages away from getting punched in the face?

Oh, just answer the question.

Does or does not the evidence speak for itself?

Do I need to refresh your memory, sir?

I didn't phone ahead to warn you of my arrival.

I just thought it would be fun to surprise you at college.

WINSTON: It was fun.

Well, it should have been fun.

- NICK: A man in front of a computer - (echoes): No WINSTON: I was checking my EarthLink.

NICK: With no pants on.

WINSTON: You know my bottoms run hot!

NICK: Tissues suspiciously close.

WINSTON: They were Doug's.

Lotion.

One sock.

Ashy elbows.

Cold left foot.

Look, why am I explaining this to you?

You're the one who's supposed to be writing right now.

You know what I figured out?

You are a procrastinator.

Said the pro-masturbator.

You always procrastinate when something is important to you.

And you know how I know?

January 12, 2001.

- Damn you.

- You drove eight hours across the country to come see me at college, to ask me if I have seen A Bug's Life.

- Oh - A Bug's Life.

The weekend before your midterms.

You son of a bitch!

Big test, oh, yeah Focus.

(chuckles) Oh, I got to pick that up.

Whoa!

It's been a while though, hasn't it?

You should have appreciated the fact that your friend hitchhiked across the country to visit you.

- (both laugh)

- You're a procrastinator.

You want to know why you procrastinate?

I'll tell you.

But you didn't give me a chance to answer.

How am I supposed to answer if not given the chance?

- Fine.

Answer.

- It's a vague question.

It's not a vague question.

Why do you procrastinate?

- I don't know.

- Nick, you procrastinate when something is important to you, because deep down, you're don't think you're good enough to get it done.

(laughing): That's the dumbest thing I've It's also that's possibly true, because that really feels like what I do when I Keep going, you're in a good zone.

So, of course, when you actually get the opportunity to write something about your own life, the first thing you do is choke.

You know how I know?

Well, because for some reason, I'm your oldest friend.

So I hope you get punched in the face today.

I really do.

And then maybe, you'll finally see that you are good enough to be everything you want to be.

You masturbated one time.

I swear to God, Nick.

If I wasn't kicked off of Craigslist Schmidt, you look like you're gonna be sick.

Remember, they've only been on the planet for three years.

Oh, God.

Is that kid reading Jonathan Franzen?

Wow, this place is like the frickin' Louvre.

There's a kid handing out mints in the bathroom.

Well, then, why'd you come?

To see your liberal snowflake - hippie trash handiwork?

- No.

I came for Ruth.

And in silent protest against institutions such as this hellhole.

But it's quicker to say "for Ruth.

" - You are a q*eer little woman.

- Guys, tighten up.

All right?

They started assessing us the minute we parked the car.

- Xiawuhao.

- What?

That's "good afternoon" in Mandarin.

Just a little amuse-bouche for the judges.

I also brought an actual amuse-bouche.

It's a crostini with burrata and tomato.

Doesn't that sound yummy, Schmidt?

Back off, Benjamin.

Your burrata doesn't scare me.

- (laughs) I think it does.

- It kind of scares me.

Ruth, just ignore them.

You're gonna do great in there, okay?

Feeling good?

Meow.

Ha!

She just said "meow.

" (both laugh) MISS CARLY: Okay.

Kids, you can go inside.

And parents, you'll be watching from a two-way mirror, which was a generous gift from a family that's too powerful to name.

(whispers): It's Tate Donovan.

- Oof.

- All right.

Let's go.

- Let's hit it.

- Okay, you ready, honey?

Remember what we talked about.

ROYGBIV.

Red, orange, yellow Schmidt, she's got it.

Okay?

You're gonna do great in there.

You're gonna bring the heat, aren't you, Ruth?

Ruth gonna do what Ruth gonna do.

- Oh, dear God.

- Okay.

- Please state your name, sir.

- (whispers): So I'm Winston Bottoms.

Uh, Winston I Was Wearing Bottoms.

Damn it.

S-I'm sorry to curse.

I didn't mean uh, that's I know my name.

Let's just get that let the record show that.

When you do your thing.

And um I'm Detective Bottoms.

Are you okay, sir?

Ha.

I'm-I'm yes, sir, I'm sorry, um My lower half has got the sweats.

I'd like to put in a request for a wet wipe.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, if anyone has a wet wipe, I will gladly receive said wet wipe and clean off my lower half.

Your Honor, may I request a recess?

Come on, Miller, churn out the magic.

Come on.

Let's get started.

Let's go.

"Nick Miller grew up in Chicago.

"He came from a family.

He hated Winston.

"Winston was really annoying.

In a lot of ways, Winston is still annoying, but" It's supposed to be about me!

Stupid Winston, it's sup (sighs) I'm screwed, I only have six pages.

What time is it?

Mmm 3:01.

3:01.

I'm screwed.

(groans) (laughing) It was you.

Craigslist, bitch!

(laughs) It was always you.

Wow, Stuart really nailed the face-drawing portion.

He included eyelashes and expressive eyebrows.

Must you narrate?

The whole point of the audio-enhanced plexiglass is that I can hear on my own.

Oh, boy, it's circle-cutting time.

Miss Carly is handing the scissors to Ruth.

Ruth is taking the scissors.

Ruth is starting to use the scissors.

SCHMIDT: Don't tell me what she's doing.

Actually, you know what?

Tell me.

Never tell me.

Forget it, this is a disaster, we should go.

Ruth S.

Your circle is perfect.

- I knew it.

- I want to buy her things.

I want to buy her lots and lots of things.

Suck it, Benjamin!

Your bouche just got amused.

RUTH: But what if it's not a circle, Miss Carly?

- No!

- RUTH: What if it's a moon, and it's sad 'cause it's daytime?

What a colossal crap of the bed.

Ruth S, wonderful imagination.

You just earned three tadpoles.

- Three tadpoles!

- Three frigging tadpoles!

Everyone, right here.

You know what got her those three t-poles?

Hippie-dippy mishegas.

JESS: Well, she couldn't cut a perfect circle without your cold-blooded demand for excellence.

Is it possible that after all of this time fighting, that, together, we're the perfect parent?

- I mean, look, you're sweet.

- You're salty.

Excuse me, she lived inside of me, ya jerks.

No.

No, Stuart!

Oh That's an oval!

Oh, well, looky over there.

What is this?

Huh?

I don't love you anymore!

Oval's for losers.

RUTH: Hey.

Your name is Denise now.

What?

No, it's not, Schmidt's kid.

Piccolo!

Piccolo!

Piccolo!

Piccolo!

All right, I heard you.

Too much pressure.

He's a kid, Denise.

- Oh boy.

- Why is she calling everybody Denise?

The whole system is corrupt.

Meow!

(kids all shouting)

(all shouting, laughing)

They jammed the damn door shut with a piccolo.

Meow!

(girl screams)

(all gasping)

(screaming)

(shouting, cheering)

(all gasp)

Schmidt-Stain!

Help me!

(whispers): Oh, God.

Losing confidence?

Nick, what are you doing here, man?

I came to thank you.

I got punched in the face, and I gotta say, it set me free.

Check it out, man.

20 pages.

And they're all good.

Some of them are good.

Five pages are good.

- I really like the title.

- I'm proud of you, man.

I couldn't have done it without you.

- Aw, stop.

- Honestly.

You push me, man, you always have.

I don't know who I would've been if I hadn't have met you.

- Chicago, man.

- Chicago.

Tough love, man.

Chicago.

- Let's go see the Bean.

- What?

I-I don't know.

I don't know why I said that.

- Winston, I came here to punch you.

- Okay.

Punch you with my truth fist in your guilt nuts.

Okay?

And I'm gonna punch your nuts hard.

- Okay.

- How long you been working this case?

Long time, man.

Months.

And does anybody know it better than you?

Nobody.

Then why don't you have the confidence to take the stand?

The problem is, is you still see yourself as that 10-year-old boy who fainted the first time you went rollerblading.

You rolled right into Lake Michigan.

That did wake me up.

But you're not that kid.

You're a detective now.

Married to the love of your life.

You have a child on the way.

Unburden yourself, Winston.

Now, I'm going to ask you one last time.

Did you or did you not masturbate?

I.

Did.

Not.

- Damn it, Detective.

- I didn't.

Detective?

Did you have intent to pleasure yourself?

I did.

(audio slowed): Niiiick!

I did have the intent, man.

But you know how it is when you're a hot-blooded Chicago teenager, man.

- Oh, yeah.

- (exhales) But it's over now.

Wow.

Man, I feel better.

- Of course you do.

- I feel a lot better.

Get in here, man.

Chicago.

- Chicago.

- Chicago.

Detective, recess is over.

We're ready for you now.

I wanted to pleasure myself, and this man helped me get there.

- Aw, you did it on your own.

- Oh, no, you helped me.

- No, you did it on your own.

- (laughs) Okay, I did it on my own.

- Chicago.

- Chicago.

I really hope the paramedics got that piccolo - out of Miss Carly.

- Oh, I doubt it.

The doctor at the hospital said that Benjamin will have a permanent smile.

Like the Joker.

You guys, I'm so sorry.

This is my fault.

I'm just not cut out for this dog-eat-dog private school world.

You should have never asked me for help.

- No, honey, it's okay.

- It was mostly your fault.

You guys made such a cool kid.

I mean, she's crazy and she's strong, and she's going to be exactly who she wants to be no matter what any of us say.

Ruth gonna do what Ruth gonna do.

Maybe we just need to get out of her way.

Ruth, honey.

What school do you want to go to?

Ugh.

That boy is grooming Ruth like a cat.

- (laughing) - CECE: She looks so happy.

- RUTH: Again!

- Chicken!

Hey, you.

Yeah.

Chicken.

- You and me are gonna be friends.

- (clucking) - CECE: Oh.

Well, hey.

- JESS: You came!

(laughs) Yeah, we wanted to see Ruth's new school.

It's dingy.

Daddy, come drink from the garden hose.

(gags) Okay, guys, if I'm gonna put my mouth on a dirty rubber tube, so are all of you let's go.

I don't wanna do that.

- Come on.

- I don't wanna do that.

- RUTH: Drink, Daddy, drink.

- Hello, Mr.

Triangles.

SCHMIDT: Well, ma'am, let me get in there.

NICK: All right!

Get the germs.

- SCHMIDT: Here I go.

- NICK: Drink it.

- Drink it, Schmidty.

- SCHMIDT: Here I go.

Here I go.

- NICK: Yeah!

- CECE: There you go.

(laughter)

(Schmidt gags, spits)

- SCHMIDT: Yuck!

- (rooster crows)

Triangle water is chicken water