Bad Santa (2003)

[bunniefuu]

Bad Santa (2003)

Hey, can I get another drink down here?

I've been to prison once.

I've been married twice.

I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason.

I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out, and I got a bone chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal.

I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life.

But nothing has ever sucked more ass than this.

If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats pissing on my lap for 30 days out of the year, I would have k*lled myself a long time ago.

Come to think of it, I still might.

Where I come from, we didn't celebrate Christmas.

Not because we were Jewish, but because my dad was a worthless-coward f*cking assh*le whose idea of a present was a daily punch to the back of the head.

He did teach me how to crack a safe, though.

My dad never did shit with his life, so he took it out on me.

You could say I'm no different.

I'd have to say you were right.

But at this point, it's too late to start over.

Funny how things work out.

It's f*cking hilarious.

There's Santa Claus.

Look there.

Wow.

Oh, my.

What a darling photo.

Are you certain you only want the single?

Additional photos come in handy as gifts for Grandma and Grandpa or as a wonderful remembrance for friends.

Gee.

You know what?

This one, I think it's more than enough.

Thanks.

Merry Christmas.

So, what do you want, little girl?

A drum set.

Oh, the old man will love that.

Okay.

Fine.

See you later.

I saw you at another mall.

Well, I'm very happy for you.

You're not really Santa.

If you were Santa, you could do magic.

You want to see some magic?

Here.

Let's watch you disappear.

Watch the bladder, kid.

Santa's got to pee.

-What do you want?

-A new bike.

Wow.

That's a new one.

Excellent.

Attention, shoppers.

The store will be closing in five minutes.

We hope tomorrow is a pleasant Christmas.

Thank you for shopping with us.

-Is that it?

-Yeah, that's the last one.

Thank the f*ck Christ.

Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph.

You pissed yourself.

Aw, Jesus.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah.

Hey, happy holidays.

All right.

Merry Christmas.

Happy holidays.

Get home safe.

Yeah, okay.

I don't care what he says.

-We're going out for a beer.

-What the f*ck?

I'll get right back to you.

What the hell's wrong with you?

I'm trying to f*cking leave.

Pants are awful baggy.

You got anything in there?

Yeah.

My d*ck.

You want to see it?

Keep pushing me.

I got my eyes on you.

All the time.

Ready.

Jesus.

-How's it going?

-I'm finished when I'm finished.

I'm going back upstairs.

I need a melon baller and a loofah.

Got it.

f*ck the loofah.

Let's go.

Marcus, you get the loofah?

Drive.

Oh!

jingle bell rock in jingle bell time Oh, I'm dizzy.

Put me down.

Hey, put me down.

Come on!

Put me down.

Oh, come on.

Oh, man.

Hey, baby, two more of these, all right?

No.

That's it for me.

You can't drink worth a shit, you know that?

I weigh 92 pounds, you d*ck.

Come on.

One more.

It's a celebration.

Here's to you.

To have the blues My baby's gone You're getting worse, you know that?

Well, at least I got it open.

It took you long enough.

I remember when you could unlock a lock like it was nothing.

Yeah, well, you don't have to worry about me anymore.

I'm out.

Bullshit.

Bullshit, my ass.

We just made $111,000 in one night.

Exactly.

I figure I got enough to go to Miami.

And do what?

I don't know.

Shit.

Get a car.

Get a place, maybe.

Maybe start a business.

A bar out on the beach.

Something like that.

I could quit drinking and run the place.

Maybe marry a waitress.

What?

You ain't gonna do shit except go down there and drink your f*cking ass off.

You're gonna piss everything away and end up counting the days till next Christmas.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Well, it ain't gonna happen.

If I call you next December -- if I call you next December -- you're gonna be so happy to hear from me you're gonna do a g*dd*mn backflip.

You're gonna put that Santa hat on so fast that you're gonna get f*cking hat-burn.

Can I get you guys two more?

No, thanks.

We're all right.

See?

I'm already on the wagon.

Hey.

assh*le!

How many times I got to tell you?

Get out from behind my bar!

Put the drink down right now.

Put the drink down right now!

Ahh.

f*ck you.

-f*ck me, huh?

-Right.

Oh.

Hey!

Ow!

Get the f*ck out of my bar.

f*ck you!

You're f*cking crazy.

f*cking prick.

assh*le!

Get the f*ck out of here right now!

jolly Christmas And in case you didn't hear have a holly jolly -- f*cking shit!

f*ck you!

f*ck you!

f*ck you!

Yeah, baby.

Hey, Tiffany, you want to play "Hide the n*zi" one day?

God damn it.

Here you go, sweetie.

I got something for your pretty ass.

-You do?

-Yeah.

Wow.

$5.

Thanks.

I gotta listen to my messages, and you need to take a shower.

I'm a dancer.

I sweat.

Yeah, well, you smell like a bum's nut sac.

f*ck you.

Message one.

Mr.

Soke?

This is Andrew Kaplan again, from the collection agency.

Message two.

This is Dolores Axelrod.

You ran into my car last week.

I called State Farm, but they have no record of any insurance policy for you.

In case you misplaced it, my phone number is 4 -- Message three.

Willie, it's Marcus.

It's that time of year again.

Pack your shit.

Phoenix.

is frightful is so delightful to go let it snow of stopping for popping way down low Let it snow, let it snow Jesus Christ!

Can you maybe keep it together for just 10 minutes?

Harrison, just let me explain, please.

Financially -- Well, you get what you paid for, Chipeska.

Five Christmases I've been here.

You flip me for some stranger who'll do it for peanuts and who happens to work with a real midget.

Nobody cares.

Nobody comes here for the elf.

Santa's the attraction.

I do Burl lves songs.

Does this schmo even play guitar?

Look, Harrison, it's not about the money or the midget.

Believe me, if it was, I -- I don't think they like "midget." I think you're supposed to call them...

Oh, just forget it.

Hacks!

Hi.

Bob Chipeska.

Welcome.

Great photo and rsum, by the way.

Thanks.

We've been at this a long time and all.

We'd like to think we do a good job.

I'm so glad you guys could come in on such short notice.

I must say, your look is just sensational.

Thanks.

We've been at this for years.

You got nothing to worry about.

You two are the best men for this job, truly.

So don't let his unpleasantness affect your performance.

-Oh, no.

We're fine.

-Performance?

Yes.

Uh, your performance.

You know, the, um...

Performance, like sexual?

-Excuse me?

-Willie.

Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear?

Is that what you're saying?

-I'm sorry.

Your gear?

-Willie.

My f*ck stick.

Hey, Willie.

Take a seat.

You know how your blood sugar is.

He's not going to say "f*ck stick" in front of the children?

No, no, no.

It's a joke.

An adult joke for us adults.

It's a joke.

Just a joke.

"f*ck stick"?

Yes.

I thought it was very strange, too.

So, as our security chief, I wanted you to be aware.

But his little friend promised he wouldn't say it in front of the children, which is fine.

Because, you know, there is an adult world and a child's world, and that's okay.

I'm no censor.

"Little friend"?

Yes, he happens to be a dwarf.

Or midget.

I don't know what he's called exactly.

But, uh, he's a little guy.

Little Billy Barty.

God rest.

But thin fingers.

Not the fat sausage fingers.

"Little people." That's what they like.

Yes.

Uh, right.

Little people.

So "f*ck stick." That's it?

Yeah.

Merry Christmas!

Santa's coming.

Yay!

Merry Christmas!

Santa's coming.

Yay!

Merry Christmas!

Have you seen that new Santa they just hired?

Yeah.

He's back there drunk.

He's coming, guys.

Santa will be here real soon.

God damn it!

What the f*ck you doing?

You blow this, and we're broke.

So stop acting like you know something.

'Cause, pal of mine, you don't know squat!

Now, put on your hat and get out there.

And try to act professional, for Christ's sakes.

What do you want?

What?

Get out of here.

Next.

Next.

Oh, good.

What do you want?

What do you want?

What are you doing?

God damn it!

Nintendo Deer Hunter 3.

I don't give a shit what you want.

Blowing snot all over everybody and f*cking whatever.

Next.

Come on.

What do you want?

-Um, Santa?

-Yeah, I'm Santa.

Come on.

What do you want?

-Um, Barbie.

-Say cheese.

Okay.

Fine.

Barbie.

Oh, thank you.

Ow!

Watch the toenails, kid!

Shit.

Next.

Next!

What do you want?

Fraggle-Stick car.

What the f*ck is that?

Fraggle-Stick car.

Well, I heard you.

Fraggle-Stick car.

Fine.

Hey, check out this loser.

Hey, fat-ass.

How you doing today?

Hey, loser.

Hey, dipshit.

Moron.

Hey, loser.

How you doing today?

Dumb-ass, why don't you turn around?

You know what?

f*ck this.

You're next.

Next.

I said next, God damn it.

This is not the DMV, all right?

Move it along.

What's your name?

You can tell me.

I know.

How about Santa?

If you don't tell him, you won't get a present.

That's right.

Come on and tell Santa all about it.

What do you want?

Well, come on.

What do you want?

A snot-rag?

Great.

Another f*cking Mongoloid.

Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me.

Don't f*ck with my beard.

It's not real.

No shit.

Well, it was real.

But, you see, I got sick and all the hair fell out.

How did you get sick?

I loved a woman who wasn't clean.

Mrs.

Santa?

No.

It was her sister.

What's it like at the North Pole?

Like the suburbs.

Which one?

Apache Junction.

What the f*ck do you care?

Now, get off my lap.

You sit there like a f*cking ret*rd.

You are really Santa, right?

No.

I'm an accountant.

I wear this f*cking thing as a fashion statement, all right?

Okay.

Get this kid out of here.

He's freaking me out.

I got to get a drink on.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Just don't come into work stinking of booze again.

Yeah.

Why don't you get going?

You'll be late for your "Wizard of Oz" Candy Bar Guild.

Lollipop Guild, you assh*le.

Jesus!

Two-year-olds flip me shit better than you.

You saying something to me?

Yeah.

I'm gonna stick my whole fist up your ass.

Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way in a one-horse open sleigh Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way in a one-horse open sleigh in a one-horse open sleigh laughing all the way making spirits bright What?

sing a sleighing song tonight Jingle bells, jingle bells Mmm.

Another Grand-Dad, Santa?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride Got a name?

Yeah.

So, what do you do, you know...

After the holidays, I mean.

Well, nothing till March, and then I'm the Easter Bunny.

Oh.

Another?

Yeah.

Why not?

Merry Christmas.

Not a big talker.

No, not really.

-Buy you one?

-Why not?

Happy New Year.

You're pretty regular for a Santa.

It's not that big a f*cking deal.

It's just a job, you know what I mean?

I'm an eating, drinking, sh1tting, f*cking Santy Claus.

Prove it.

f*ck me, Santa.

f*ck me, Santa.

f*ck me, Santa.

f*ck me, Santa.

f*ck me, Santa.

f*ck me, Santa.

f*ck me, Santa.

f*ck me, Santa!

Can't I at least take this hat off?

No.

I love the hat.

Okay.

Whoo!

I've always had a thing for Santa Claus.

In case you didn't notice.

It's like some deep-seated childhood thing.

So is my thing for tits.

Yeah.

It is like that, though.

From when you're a kid.

'Cause my dad was Jewish, and we didn't have Christmas.

So it was like this forbidden thing.

So...

I like you.

Don't mothball that suit.

What the f*ck?

I am not gay.

-What the hell, buddy?

-Buddy?

I said I am not gay.

Are you off your f*cking meds or something?

Yes.

But that isn't what this is about.

You're as q*eer as a $10 bill.

Let me tell you something, m*therf*cker.

My brother lost a g*dd*mn arm fighting you f*ckers in Vietnam.

So I want you to look at my face one last f*cking time.

This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I -- Elf fucker!

-m*therf*cker!

-Turn around, elf fucker.

Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus?

Huh?

Faggy Claus!

Faggy!

Leave Santa alone!

Little boy, don't interfere.

I am doing this for all of us.

Leave Santa alone!

Ass clown.

Hey, you're that kid.

What the f*ck are you doing here?

This one f*cking time I take you home, okay?

Uh-huh.

I'm not your f*cking dada.

Uh-huh.

It's not like you helped me with that nutjob or anything.

-Uh-huh.

-You're the right height.

You're right there to grab his balls.

-You could twist them.

-Why do you need a car?

-What?

-This car.

Which turn is it?

Sage Terrace.

Where's your sleigh?

It's in the shop, getting repaired.

-Where are the reindeer?

-I stabled them.

Is it left or right?

That way.

Where's the stable?

-Next to the shop.

-How do they sleep?

Who?

The reindeer?

Standing up.

But the noise.

How do they sleep?

-What noise?

-From the shop.

They only work during the day, all right?

I thought it was always night at the North Pole.

Well, not now.

Right now it's always day.

Then how do they sleep?

-Oh, shit.

Sage Terrace.

What is it with you?

Somebody drop you on your f*cking head?

On my head?

Are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?

How can they drop me onto my own head?

No, not onto your...

Would...

God damn it!

Are you f*cking with me?

Okay.

Which house is it?

That one.

With Jesus and his family there or what?

No.

The one beside that.

-Right here?

-Yeah.

That one.

All right.

Nice digs.

Is Daddy home?

He's on an adventure, exploring mountains.

He's been gone a long time.

Exploring mountains, huh?

How long is he gonna be gone?

Till next year.

Yeah?

What about Mommy?

She lives in God's house with Jesus and Mary and the ghost and the long-eared donkey and Joseph and the talking walnut.

Well, who the f*ck takes care of you, then?

Grandma.

Yeah?

What's her name?

Grandma.

Is Granny spry?

Everybody!

D-O-L-E, Dole Banana shuffle Grandma?

Grandma?

Santa's here.

Oh, Roger.

You're home.

Are you spry?

Let me fix you some sandwiches.

Are you telling me she's the only one here?

Nobody else?

No aunts or cousins or uncles or anything like that?

A butler or security guard or something?

Nuh-unh.

You're sh1tting me.

Does your daddy have a safe?

Need money to fix your sleigh?

Exactly.

You want milk and cookies?

No.

Should I fix you some sandwiches?

Unh-unh.

Does your daddy have a car?

Bye, Santa!

of little Nell fill it well Oh, my!

Keep going.

-Jesus!

Ohh!

Oh, God!

Ooh!

Oh, Zena!

Oh, Mary!

Keep it going.

Jesus Christ!

Yeah, baby.

Yeah, baby.

You ain't gonna shit right for a week.

Oh!

-Yeah, buddy!

-Yeah!

-Whoo!

It won't happen again.

I can promise you that.

Willie here has low blood sugar.

That's all.

That's right.

I forgot to take my pill.

It's not just the swearing.

Um...

Forgive me for prying.

But did one of you, um... fornicate...

Fornicate?

Yes, with a heavyset woman in the Big & Tall dressing room.

Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure.

But as far as I can recall, I've never fornicated anybody.

Yes, well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we -- If we what?

Well, I have someone else interested in the position.

Before you do something stupid, you may want to think about this shit.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about firing a little black midget.

A colored, African-American small person.

That's what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about your face all over g*dd*mn "USA Today." I'm talking about 150 of these little m*therf*ckers all over the sidewalk out there.

Little picket signs, chanting and raving.

Using little bullhorns and shit like that.

Screaming and hollering your name out.

Unfair practices.

Get me?

No.

No, no.

This is not a handicap thing.

I have nothing against you people.

"You people"?

Did you hear that, Marcus?

He said, "You people." Who the hell is "us people"?

Wait.

Wait.

No, no.

I -- You don't under-- What?

He...

No, no.

Um, you know, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.

Okay.

Good thinking.

And don't worry about us.

We'll be fine.

Let's get the hell out of here, Marcus.

You're pathetic.

I dig that little thing on your belly button.

What's that?

Like a diamond?

It's a belly-button ring.

Oh, yeah?

Hang on a second.

Check this out.

You got to thrust.

See what I'm saying?

You gotta move the ball around.

You go up there, baby.

Come on.

See?

Move the ball.

There you go.

m*therf*cker!

Oh, you lousy, f*cking m*therf*cker.

That's the shit that's gonna get us pinched.

She said she was 18.

But you promised no arcades.

You said you'd only hustle Big & Tall.

You shat me out of your womb?

You're my f*cking mom now?

I don't need any g*dd*mn lectures.

I know how to keep a low profile.

Thank you.

What the f*ck is this, Mr. Low Profile?

Mind your own g*dd*mn business.

Ever hear of the open bottle law?

A couple of days ago, I was in, uh, Women's Big & Tall.

And I heard these...

Um, you know, these noises.

And I heard a woman screaming, "Yeah.

Oh, yeah." And I heard his voice saying, "That's right.

You ain't going to S-H-I-T right for a month." But don't get me wrong.

I was against the Clinton impeachment.

What a man does with his own penis -- Oval Office, Women's Big & Tall -- it's not for the American people to say.

Yeah, right.

But when you're dealing with children...

They have a tender sensibility.

And you are in a position of trust.

I think perhaps someone who has screaming orgasms with large women shouldn't...

Yeah.

Of course, I can't fire him for that.

Oh, yeah.

Unfair practices.

Special pleading.

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

f*cking broads.

But I just can't help it.

There's something about the guy that makes me uneasy.

Well, sure.

Santa f*cking someone in the ass.

-So...

Maybe there's something I could fire him for.

Yeah, I get you.

Do you?

Do you think you could find something?

Shit, yeah.

There's always something.

Shit.

Hey, Opal.

Come here.

Unh-unh.

Screw you, Willie, your kinky ass.

Last time I didn't shit right for a week.

No, it's not that.

I need to talk to you.

I'm just tired of you, Willie.

Ooh.

Who the f*ck is in my room?

Did you see somebody go in my room?

Yeah.

Some guy asking about you.

Looked like a cop.

Oh, shit.

Marcus, it's Willie.

I just got back to the motel.

Some guy is nosing around in my room.

What guy?

You get a look at him?

No.

But I think he's a cop, though.

Think somebody's onto us?

Is there anything in the room?

Anything professional?

No, I just got clothes in there.

Just ditch, you idiot.

You got anywhere to sack out for a while?

-Santa!

-Yeah.

You're bringing my present early?

No.

But I never told you what I wanted.

I said I didn't bring it, dipshit.

Okay.

Good.

I want a stuffed elephant.

A pink one.

Wish in one hand, shit in the other one.

See which one fills up first.

Okay.

So I'm gonna be staying here for a while.

Things are all f*cked up at the North Pole.

Mrs.

Santa caught me f*cking her sister.

And I'm out on my ass now.

She got half of everything.

This is gonna be cool.

This will do fine.

So I'm gonna be crashing here.

It will be just you and me, like roommates, you know?

Do you and Mrs.

Santa have kids?

No.

Thank the f*ck Christ.

What about the elves?

Well, they stay with Mrs.

Santa.

I get them on the weekends.

Why don't you go run me a bath?

What about the reindeer?

Would you please shut up about reindeer?

What are their names?

Who?

The elves.

Oh, shit.

I can't remember.

I think one of them is Sneezy.

There's a Dopey.

That's the Seven Dwarfs.

Oh, you're sh1tting me.

I thought...

I was thinking it was the...

I don't know.

f*ck, kid.

I just call them, "bub." I say, "Hey, bub" or "chief" or whatever the f*ck.

I tell him to make the g*dd*mn toy.

What the f*ck is wrong with you?

I can't remember this shit!

Does everything with you have to be a f*cking test?

How old are they?

You want cookies?

No.

Warm milk?

No.

Should I fix you some sandwiches?

I don't want any f*cking sandwiches.

What is it with you and fixing f*cking sandwiches?

Okay.

Do you want anything else?

No.

Okay.

Santa?

What?

I brought you some orange juice.

What's in it?

Oranges.

Look what I have.

An Advent calendar.

What the hell is that?

It's the story of Christmas, but in a calendar.

Every day you peel open a new box.

You get part of the story.

And then there's a chocolate inside.

Do you want to open up today's box and read it?

No.

You go ahead.

Jesus Christ, kid.

Watch the nuts.

"So Joseph went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem, the town of David.

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world.

Everyone went to his hometown to register." -That it?

-Yep.

That's an awesome f*cking story, kid.

There's more to it, but we have to wait till tomorrow.

Do you want to eat the chocolate?

You go ahead.

Are you coming downstairs?

I'll be down in a minute.

I got to go to work.

f*ck me?

f*ck you.

You can't just take up with some kid.

You don't know who's around or what they do.

You got some nerve, you little shit, you.

What, you're my mom now?

You shat me out of your womb?

You said that yesterday, you stupid f*ck.

Shit.

f*ck you.

You are by far the dumbest, most pathetic piece of maggot-eating shit that has ever slid from a human being's hairy ass.

What if the kid has one of those f*cking playdates they have now?

Are you sh1tting me?

The kid don't have any friends.

He don't even have an imaginary friend unless he ditched him.

He lives with his drooling-ass old grandmother.

Sits in front of the TV all the time.

You think she's gonna rat me out?

She don't know her ass from last Tuesday.

You f*ck her?

Jesus Christ.

Is everything f*cking sex with you?

With me?

I f*ck one person.

I ain't out there serial fornicating, trying to float my liver, drinking myself silly 'cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am.

What are you, Sigmund Sawed-off f*cking Freud?

Yeah, that's right.

Go ahead.

Talk about my height.

Make it about something safe 'cause you're an emotional cr*pple.

Your soul is dog shit.

Every single f*cking thing about you is ugly.

Come on, Lois.

Let's get out of here.

Look who's here, Jimmy.

It's Santa.

That's f*cking great.

Let's tell him what you want for Christmas.

f*ck.

I'm on my f*cking lunch break, okay?

Are you insane?

Management's gonna hear about this.

You think that's a threat?

If you think you can make my life any worse, go right ahead.

Be my f*cking guest.

Take a shot.

of the year jingle-belling "Be of good cheer" of the year Just looking.

Aah!

Find everything you're looking for?

Um, yeah.

Thank you.

Nothing I can help you with, huh?

No.

I'm just looking at the games 'cause I have an Xbox.

Get your hands out of my pants, man!

You're stealing from the store, you're stealing from me.

What is this?

I was gonna pay for it.

Wrong answer.

When I look at you, you know what I think?

I think America has a sad future ahead of it.

And you're part of this sorry-ass generation.

What you want to be when you grow up?

I don't know.

-This MP3?

-Yeah.

Take it off.

But my grandmother gave -- Take it off.

I don't care who gave it to you.

Take it off.

I don't care if it choke you to death.

Now, I want you to get on out of here.

Get!

-But can I have...

-Get!

Happy Kwanzaa.

And pull your damn pants up!

What's wrong with you kids these days?

MAN: Gin?

-Yeah.

-What do you need?

I need you to run a plate for me.

It's Arizona plates.

Hold on.

Let me get a pen.

Is that it?

For Christ's sake, make a move and stick with it, would you?

King me.

Son of a bitch!

You lousy, cheating little shit!

You're f*cking with me!

You did that on purpose.

You play like the dead lice are falling off of you, and then suddenly, you're like Seabiscuit all over the place.

You're a smartass, is what you are, kid.

Want to play again?

Howdy.

Herb Gunner.

I live two streets over on Burning Trail Road.

I don't think we've met.

I'm Uncle Willie.

I'm organizing the decorations for the subdivision this year.

-You mind if I come in?

-Yeah.

I mean yeah, I mind.

Okay.

Uh...

Will you be participating in our luminarias program this year?

-What the hell is a lunamaria?

-They're luminarias.

Small sacks filled with about a pound of sand each.

We insert a candle in the middle, light it, and the bag glows.

Then we line all the sidewalks here all around the neighborhood.

You see, we don't celebrate Christmas around here, so...

We're, uh, we're Muslims.

Look, it's my first year running this.

I'd like it if there weren't any gaps in it.

What if I come by Christmas Eve and do it for you?

No, you know what?

You don't have to do that.

Yeah, me and the kid here, we'll do something.

Great.

I got the supplies.

-I'll throw them in the garage.

-Perfect.

Awesome.

Going in the garage, just so you know.

You can make a delicious six-pound chicken.

Enough hot dogs and sausages to feed a small army.

Not one, but two delicious rotisserie chickens.

f*ck me, Santa.

f*ck me, Santa.

f*ck me, Santa.

f*ck me, Santa.

f*ck me, Santa.

f*ck me, Santa.

Scrumptious 6-pound standing rib roast.

And everybody's favorite, baby back ribs.

This is such a nice house.

Needs a woman's touch, though.

I just rent the f*cking place anyway.

Yeah.

I just rent stuff, too.

Yeah?

How long are you gonna be here?

What?

On the couch?

No.

In town.

I don't know.

Just through the holidays.

You know, then I'll move on.

So, do you like kids?

f*ck, no!

Do you think I'm some kind of pervert?

I just mean because you're Santa Claus.

Oh.

I like kids.

I really like kids.

-You do?

-I love kids.

Well, good.

Yeah, they're something else, those kids.

And to tell you the truth...

The fact of the matter is, I'm not Santa.

Like ya anyway.

So, you'll call me, right?

Yeah.

I'll call you.

I'm gonna buy you some flowers.

Some of those really good expensive ones.

Shut up.

Bye.

Roger, you're home.

Let me fix you some sandwiches.

What the f*ck?

Kid, what the f*ck is wrong with you?

Jesus Christ!

Let me see it!

Let me see it!

What the hell happened to you?!

I cut my hand by mistake!

Ow!

-Of course it was by mistake.

-Ow!

Here, hold still.

Hold still.

I was just trying to help you!

I forgot to say, "It's gonna sting a little bit." Shouldn't I wrap it in a T-shirt or something?

God damn it.

-Hey, kid?

Kid, you okay up there?

You need a Band-Aid or something?

Aw, shit.

You're late.

Kids.

Let me tell you.

They run you ragged.

Morning, team.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's not quite 8:00 yet.

Well, how close are we?

Now it's 8:00.

Merry Christmas.

Up your ass.

God damn it!

You tear your ball again?

I don't think so.

That's it.

God damn it!

Sweetheart, don't romance 'em, now.

Go on and get in there.

I can take it.

Yeah.

Gin, I got the info on that Arizona plate.

All right.

Now you're talking.

Oh, hold on one minute.

Baby, baby.

Baby, baby.

Don't use that one.

That's not the stuff.

Use something with some claws to it.

Yeah, that hard candy.

That's it right there.

Let me get some of that.

Yeah, that's it.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm back.

The guy's Roger Merman.

-Guess where he is.

-Give it to me.

Ow!

Damn it!

What's wrong with you, woman?

Who are you?

Your name Roger Merman?

Yes.

But...

You doing three to six for embezzlement?

Uh, well, many accounting questions are not cut-and-dried.

Do you live at 41 Sage Terrace?

Is it Grandma?

Is my son all right?

They're fine.

Do you have any houseguests?

Houseguests?

Thank you for your time.

God bless.

Well, hey, who are you?

Houseguests?

Little trick I learned up at the North Pole.

If you fry baloney, it tastes like a hot dog.

I thought you didn't like sandwiches.

Yeah, but this is not a sandwich.

A sandwich has two pieces of bread with a bunch of junk on it.

It's like a tostada.

This isn't a tostada.

There you go, Granny.

Little salsa here.

Now it's a tostada.

Have you seen my Advent calendar?

What the f*ck is it with the Advent calendar?

Why are you so obsessed with that g*dd*mn thing?

The story sucks anyway.

I think I saw it in the hallway.

-Really?

-I think so.

Looks like someone messed with my Advent calendar.

What are you talking about?

Let me see.

Nobody messed with it.

It looks fine.

There's a candy corn in this one.

Well, they can't all be winners, can they?

Well, it's f*cked.

Yeah?

Yeah.

-f*cked, frankly.

-He's...

-Clean...

-Oh.

-As a f*cking whistle.

-Nothing?

-No.

-Oh.

-Nothing.

I mean shit.

-Yeah.

-He curses.

-Yeah?

-But never around children.

-Oh.

-No criminal record.

-Yeah.

-No parking tickets.

-Nothing.

-No bad habits, even.

-Oh.

Sex, yeah.

-But man is a sexual being.

-Yeah.

-f*ckin' Darwinian.

-Oh.

-You can't do shit about that.

-No.

Hell, I wouldn't want to.

No, of course not.

I'm not advocating celibacy.

Hope not.

It'd be the end of the f*cking human race.

Yeah.

Fucks large women.

What can I say?

Hey, look, it's the ret*rd again.

Wedgie.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Well, what the hell do you want?

Pokmon!

Done.

You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass.

Santa...

Oh, jeez.

-Is that your underwear?

-Part of it.

Where the hell's the rest of it?

No, actually, don't tell me.

What do you want?

I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink.

But now I changed my mind.

-Yeah, what?

-Now I don't want an elephant.

I want a gorilla named Davey for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear.

He could take his orders from the talking walnut, so it wouldn't be my bad thing.

Jesus, kid.

When I was your age, I didn't need no gorilla, and I wasn't as big as one of your legs.

Four kids beat me up and I went crying to my daddy.

-You know what he did?

-He made it all better?

No, he kicked my ass.

You know why?

'Cause you went to the bathroom on Mommy's dishes?

What the f*ck?

No.

He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?

No.

It's because he was a mean, drunk son of a bitch.

When he wasn't busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck.

The world ain't fair.

You gotta take what you need when you can get it.

Learn to stand up for yourself.

Quit being a p*ssy.

Kick these kids in the balls or something.

Or don't.

Shit, I don't care.

Just leave me out of it.

Now, get on out of here.

Okay.

Thanks, Santa.

Go get the next lucky boy or girl, okay?

All right, next.

Open the ropes there, Marcus.

I know you?

Not yet.

Seven cities in seven years.

Pretty impressive.

The store changes, your name changes.

But you always get away clean.

Yeah.

Pretty darn impressive.

Well, let's face the facts.

Y'all are a couple of half-bucket small-timers.

You, because of your physical attributes, found a niche, and I respect that.

But you also been caught...

...by me.

So this is how it's gonna be.

I don't want to take over.

I don't even want to change your scam.

Whatever you guys do, it works.

All I want is a taste.

When the deed is done, we part ways.

I'll buy a little ranch in Havasu, and you all take your little medicine show back on the road.

-How much?

-Half.

No way!

You don't know who you're f*cking with.

Back off, Will.

I got this.

I got this!

Okay.

30%.

There's three of us.

30%.

That's fair.

Half.

I meant 33%...

I meant half.

...and 1/3.

Half.

Half.

Half.

Half.

Half.

Half.

Half.

Well, what's one point?

We split the dough right down the middle.

Any merchandise you take, I get to look at and cherry-pick.

No!

Money's one thing, but you ain't gettin' the -- This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff.

I tell you how it's gonna be.

This is pricks fix.

Pricks fix?

He's a f*cking moron.

Oh, really?

Is that how you got the upper hand?

f*ck you.

Negotiating?

If you don't like, next year, f*ck off.

I can always get another box jockey.

I can get another midget, too.

Yeah, where?

You see us hanging off of trees like f*cking crab apples?

Even if we did, you'd never front your own racket.

You know why, Willie?

You got no discipline.

You got zero f*ckin' initiative.

You'd fall apart without me.

You're too pathetic for words.

You're a f*cking loser, and you f*cking know it.

in a one-horse sleigh pick up your feet Jingle around the clock Mix and mingle in the jinglin' beat That's the jingle bell rock Santa'll be here real soon, kids.

Real soon.

Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time There he is.

Look.

ln jingle bell square Oh, no.

What a bright time, it's the right time To rock the night away Oh, my God!

Is a swell time To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh Giddyup, jingle horse, pick up your feet Jingle around the clock Mix and mingle in the jinglin' beat...

Sweet Jews for Jesus.

I pissed myself.

What the f*ck do you think you doing?

You son of a bitch!

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

Hey, come on, come on.

Look, hey!

Come on, come on!

Look here.

Get him out of here.

I'll smooth things over with Chipeska.

-Tell him food poisoning.

-"Get him out of here"?

Take him to the car.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a motherfuckin' dwarf.

So unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand, hmm?

That figures.

You want all kind of set-asides.

Special treatment 'cause you're handicapped.

You all the same.

Special treatment?

I'm 3-foot-f*cking-tall, you assh*le!

It's a matter of physics.

Draw me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Sketch it up, you moron.

f*cking Leonardo da Vinci.

What you call me, thigh high?

I called you a f*cking guinea h*m* from the 1 5th-f*cking-century, you dickhead!

I could stick you up my ass, small fry.

Yeah?

You sure it ain't too sore from last night?

You got some lip on you, midget.

Well, these lips were on your wife's p*ssy last night.

Why don't you dust that thing off once in a while?

assh*le.

I pissed my pants.

Oh, shut up.

Santa.

Santa?

What?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

You going to work today?

Not really.

You just gonna sit there?

Yeah.

Just let me alone, okay?

Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, kid?

Yeah?

I want you to take this letter.

When the paramedics come to bag Santa up, there's gonna be some cops there.

I want you to make sure that those cops get that envelope.

What is it?

It just tells all the bad things that...

What the f*ck happened to your eye?

f*cking little prick!

So you like to give little kids black eyes, huh?

How 'bout you, huh?!

You want some?!

Anybody else?

Anybody else?

Come on!

Yeah, there you go.

You know, I think I've turned a corner.

Yeah?

You f*cking petites now?

No.

I'm not talking about that.

I beat the shit out of some kids today.

But it was for a purpose.

It made me feel good about myself.

It was like I did something constructive with my life.

I don't know.

Like I accomplished something.

You need many years of therapy.

Many, many, many f*ckin' years of therapy.

Okay.

You don't drink, which is smart on your part.

But being sober can put you at a disadvantage when it comes to v*olence.

I can't box worth a shit, see.

But I'm good in a fight because I can't feel anything.

You, you're gonna feel everything.

Okay.

Now put your dukes up.

Let me see what you got.

This is bullshit!

Give me one good reason why l should even consider doing this.

'Cause I let 2,000 kids spit in my face for your ass.

That's why.

Now, I'm asking you for this one thing.

Come on, look at the kid.

He is pathetic.

Yeah, he's just a little...

He's a f*cking ret*rd.

Yeah, let's show him a couple of things so he can defend himself, then.

Unless you're scared.

All right, here's what's gonna happen.

Marcus is a bully, right?

He's gonna pull your underwear up out of your pants.

Now, what do you do?

I don't know.

God damn it!

You don't know?

If somebody wants to pull your underwear up out of your pants, you have to get mad.

Yeah, kid, come on.

Get mad.

Scream at him.

Jesus f*cking Christ.

Listen at him.

He's a f*cking f*gg*t.

Loud!

Scream!

Be loud!

Be mean!

Piss him off!

Come on!

Aah!

You don't hit people in the balls, you assh*le!

Aah!

What the f*ck's wrong with you?

He's just a kid.

-f*ck you, Willie!

-Ow!

God damn it.

I told you I didn't want to do this!

Making me...

Ohh!

Oh, shit.

Kid, maybe you shouldn't spend so much time around me.

You sneaky little prick.

f*ck you!

Little bastard!

Get off me!

Shut up.

That's not even what you said.

Oh, God damn it, I forgot about that.

We got a f*cking nursing home around here.

Well, we can go in another room.

She does look kind of still, doesn't she?

Hey, Granny?

Hey, Granny.

Hey, there, Granny?

Oh, Granny.

Oh, my God.

What the f*ck?

Oh, shit.

-Roger!

-God!

-God damn it!

Shit!

-You're home.

-Please just tap me.

-Let me fix some sandwiches.

Hello, little boy.

Hello.

Santa...

I know that Christmas Eve is in a couple days, and you have to fly around the world and give presents to everyone, and you won't be around anymore.

Yeah?

So I thought I'd give you your present now.

What the f*ck is it?

It's a wooden pickle.

-Why'd you paint it brown?

-It's not paint.

It's blood from when I cut my hand making it for you.

Oh.

Well, shit, kid, I don't know.

I...

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Good night, Santa.

Good night, Mrs.

Santa's sister.

Good night, sweetie.

Oh, my God.

That was so sweet.

He's a really sweet kid, isn't he?

Yeah, I guess so.

Come on, baby.

Come here.

What?

Oh, nothing.

I'm all right.

Just a little tired.

Oh.

Santa!

God damn it!

Whoa!

Shit!

Want to see my report card?

You scared the holy shit out of me.

Think I did good?

How would I know?

I haven't seen the f*ckin' thing yet.

Who the f*ck is Thurman?

-Is your name Thurman?

-Yeah.

Thurman Merman?

Yeah.

Jesus.

So, you think I did good?

What do you care what I think, anyway?

Hell, I guess you did better than I did.

I never got any B's.

I thought maybe at least since I did good in school, maybe you'd bring me a present.

'Cause last year and the year before that, you didn't bring me any presents.

Even though I'm a dipshit loser.

Jesus f*cking Christ, kid!

Why do you talk about yourself that way?!

Let me give you some news.

I'm not Santa Claus, all right?

Take a look at me.

Do I look like Santa Claus?

As a matter of fact, I'm living f*cking proof that there's not a Santa Claus.

I know there's no Santa.

I just thought maybe you'd want to give me a present 'cause we're friends.

There he is.

That lousy, leather-faced, frog-eyed, m*therf*cker.

-Good night, Gin.

-Good night.

Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph.

What is the problem now?

I'm sorry.

The van stalled.

Will you give us a jump, please?

I'll be dipped in dog shit.

Do I look like an auto mechanic to you?

I appreciate it.

All right, small fry, help yourself.

I can't reach it.

Jesus Christ, give me that.

Thanks.

All right, hit it.

Oh, my.

What a terrible accident.

Mm-mm-mmm.

-Is he dead?

-No.

But it looks like you broke most of his ribs.

I'd say maybe 50% of them, or do you think 30%?

I needed more of a running start.

I couldn't build up enough speed.

Merry Christmas Eve.

Got you a little something.

You shouldn't have.

You should put that stuff in the kitchen.

God damn, you look good.

Here you go.

Little behind there, sweetie?

We don't need any more of this shit.

"Christmas keeps us connected to each other in peace.

The angel is going to tell everyone in the world." Aspirin?

As in olden days Happy golden days of yore Faithful friends who are dear to us Gather near to us once more Through the years, we all will be together If the fates allow Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow So have yourself a merry little Christmas now Through the years, we all will be together If the fates allow Hang a shining star upon the highest bough And have yourself A merry little Christmas Now Shit!

Jesus.

Santa?

-What?

-I was gonna make sandwiches.

I could make you one before you leave.

Listen, kid, I don't know.

I got shit to do and everything.

Okay, make me some sandwiches.

I gotta go to the mall and talk to somebody.

I'll be back.

For dinner?

Yeah, that's what I said.

Yeah.

How many sandwiches do you want?

Uh, a bunch.

How much lettuce do you want?

I don't know.

The usual amount.

Whatever the hell people do.

Whatever you think.

Okay.

Have a very merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-Good night.

Merry Christmas.

Good night.

-Good night.

-Okay!

Happy holiday!

Attention, shoppers.

The store will be closing in five minutes.

We wish you all a merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, and a joyous Kwanzaa.

All right, hold it steady.

Oh, yeah, shit, let's do it.

Oh, Christ.

Merry Christmas.

Good night.

Merry Christmas, Willie.

Up your ass.

Aaaah!

Whoa!

Oh, shit.

What?

What?

It's a Kitnerboy Redoubt.

So?

Remember Andy Pitz?

Andy Pitzorella?

Yeah.

No, Andy Ripitski.

Andy Pitzorella was Andy Blue Balls.

Since he got married, they call him Andy Pitzorella.

What's your f*cking point?!

They say he can get into anything.

Anything.

They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's p*ssy.

And that's a good thing?

So what the f*ck are you getting at?

When I was in the joint with him, he told me that the Kitnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked.

Are you shittin' me?

Are you telling me that after I propped you up, held you together, smiled for all those kids, danced for all those f*cking housewives in a f*cking lime-green, f*cking velvet elf costume, that you cannot get in this f*cking safe?!

Is that what you're telling me?!

Huh?!

No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute.

f*ck.

Shit.

f*ck!

Piece of cake.

I gotta get one more thing.

I'll be right back.

Oh, shit.

Which one did he say?

I'll bet the store d*ck don't want this.

Store d*ck don't want shit.

What do you mean?

Store d*ck's dead.

Store d*ck don't want shit.

He's dead, huh?

I didn't even know he was sick.

Willie...

this has been a long time coming.

Every year, you're worse.

Every year, less reliable.

More booze.

More bullshit.

More buttfucking.

Sure, the three B's.

You gotta be able to rely, Willie.

You people are monsters.

There's no joy in this for me.

I'm not talking about you taking me out.

That part, I get.

But look at all that shit.

Do you really need all that shit?

For Christ sakes, it's Christmas.

It is Christmas, Willie.

But this is what we do.

We get the shit.

Christmastime, we get the shit.

Because we are men and Lois.

It is Christmas, Willie.

And we are men and Lois.

What you waiting for, honey?

Come on, plug him.

Goodbye, Willie.

-Drop the g*n.

-Huh?!

And you, Santa, drop the elephant.

-Where did you come from?

-Tipped off.

Shit, that f*cking kid.

All three of you are in so much shit, it's almost unbelievable.

Marcus, hop on!

f*ck me.

Hey, hey!

This is Christmas, and the kid's getting his f*cking present.

Halt, police!

Put your hands up!

I said freeze!

Freeze!

-Aaaah!

-Aaaah!

"Dear kid...

I hope that you got my present and that there wasn't too much blood on it, although there was blood on the present you gave me, which didn't keep me from enjoying it.

So maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess.

" "Anyway, just in case they took it as evidence, I'm also sending you a T-shirt.

I hope it's the right size.

" "I'm healing up good, and they tell me that I will soon be 100%, even with 8 b*ll*ts dug out of me, because they didn't hit any vital organs, just my liver, which is f*cked anyway.

Ha ha ha.

Thank you for giving that letter to the cops.

I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass.

Now the cops know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass out of jail.

That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix police sh**ting an unarmed Santa was even more f*cked up than Rodney King.

" "The cops are treating me like f*cking royalty now, which is new in my experience.

They're gonna make me a sensitivity counselor so that tragedies like this will never again embarrass the whole f*cking department.

I told the cops you had no one to take the f*ck care of you, so they set it up with Mrs.

Santa's sister watching you till your dad gets back in one year and three months.

They made her a guardian pro tem or some such shit.

Anyway, she seems to like you and your house and Jacuzzi.

I sent her some money, so if you play your cards right, you can probably get her to buy you something.

As for my little helper, I'm sorry to have to tell you that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad.

I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit from them like I did.

They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon, so get some sandwiches ready.

Until then, don't take no shit from nobody, least of all yourself.

Ho ho ho.

Your pal, Santa.

" Hey, loser.

I hear your buddy's not here to protect you anymore.

See you got me a new bike.

Thanks a lot.

I'm talking to you, fat-ass!

Aaah!

And it wouldn't be Christmas without you Can't fool me, I know it's true Merry Christmas, merry la la la And it wouldn't be Christmas without you Can't fool me, I know it's true Merry Christmas, merry la la la Making my friends out of snow It's Christmas, and I'm all alone But it won't bring me down 'Cause Christmas cheer is all around And it wouldn't be Christmas without you Can't fool me, I know it's true Merry Christmas, merry la la la And it wouldn't be Christmas without you Can't fool me, I know it's true Merry Christmas, merry la la la Santa Claus is flying high across the frosty winter sky I'm gonna find him and my toys He's in a band that just makes noise And it wouldn't be Christmas without you Can't fool me, I know it's true Merry Christmas, merry la la la And it wouldn't be Christmas without you Can't fool me, I know it's true Merry Christmas, merry la la la Christmas The snow's coming down Christmas I'm watching it fall Christmas Watching the people around Christmas Baby, please come home They're singing "Deck the Halls" But it's not like Christmas at all I remember when you were here And all the fun we had last year - Baby, please come home - Christmas - Ohhhhh - Christmas - Baby, please come home - Christmas - Baby - Christmas