04x03 - Look at Them Beans

[bunniefuu]

(WYNONNA): Previously on "Wynonna Earp"...

I am a fully grown half-angel.

- I am the guardian.
- I'm sworn to protect Waverly!

They're working on some inter-dimensional gateway.

It's the chili cook-off all over again.

I'm gonna be waiting for you back in Purgatory.

Ahh!

I'm here, and we gotta get back there! Ahh!

No...

Waverly.

- The town...
- You've been gone months, three weeks, and four days.

All of you have.

(INTENSE MUSIC)

(TENSE MUSIC)

Someone has been handing out hemp neckties.

That's a clear fashion don't.

Who the hell? And why?

Frontier justice.

Retribution must not only be paid, it must be seen to be paid.

The old-timey version of "pics or it didn't happen".

Something here is pretty off.

Shorty's.

We think better with a little fire in our bellies.

(SOFT MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Uh, Nedley and I were here, after you followed Waverly up the stairs.

We drank your tequila, uh, but we did not macramé.

So unless this is just a surprise makeover by The Property Brothers...

On occasion, I will put it on in the middle of the afternoon, if I have cleaning to do.

What is this menu?

"Gunfight At The Okra Corral".

What the hell is a Cock Holliday?

It says it is chicken bone broth.

- Is that not simply soup?
- Wynonna?

(SIGHS) Chrissy Nedley.

Are you a sight for sore livers.

- How dare you?!
- (MAN): Hey, whoa!

What the fig, Chrissy?!

- Wynonna.
- Ahh!

(GRUNTING)

(g*ns CLICKING)

Let her go.

Alright, say your piece, Chrissy.

Say your piece, Chrissy, just say your piece.

If you wanna chat, I can chat. I'm a good listener.

Wynonna Earp, I am placing you under citizen's arrest.

For the m*rder of my father.

Randall Nedley.

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

It's just so good to be home.

♪ 'Cause I gave you all I got to give ♪

♪ I know that ain't no way to live ♪

♪ So I told that devil ♪

♪ To take you back ♪

♪ I told that devil ♪

♪ To take you back ♪

I would never hurt Nedley!

As if we'd take the word of an Earp!

Your dad did. He trusted me!

- Unhand her at once!
- Nedley can't be dead.

We demand proof.

He was last seen with Wynonna.

And that's when she disappeared for a year and a half!

- What a coincidence!
- Your dad was helping me!

He was hurt, but I left him safe with Mercedes!

Wait. When did you say?

We were gone mere days. You lie.

(WYNONNA): No, no!

We've been waiting too long.

No!

(CROWD SHOUTING ANGRILY)

Doc! (SCREAMING)

- Wynonna!
- (g*nshots)

Put the rope down and back away from the woman.

Sheriff.

That's not the sheriff. Where's Nicole?

Miss Chrissy, your dad lived his life for the law.

What would he think of your behavior now?

- You didn't know him.
- No.

But I do know this is not the way we do things in Purgatory.

(MAN): We want justice!

Thank you.

(WOMAN): Yeah, this isn't right!

Just like the criminal vermin we hung last Monday,

Miss Earp shall have a trial first.

Get Waverly! Get Nicole!

I shall get everyone.

(WAVERLY HUMMING)

- Sup?
- Whoa!

Valdez. Rachel Valdez.

Hi.

- I'm, uh...
- Cold?

Yeah. Frozen.

I mean, I'm practically Elsa!

- I had no idea you were...
- Kombucha?

Pardon?

I make it myself. And after last night,

I bet you need some hydration.

(GIGGLING) Mmm.

Microbes.

So, you're staying here?

(BELL RINGING)

Batman in the microwave!

What? What is that?

- There's something in the trap.
- Which one?

- Behind the barn.
- What are we trapping?

(g*n CLICKING)

Monsters.

Huh.

(INTENSE MUSIC)

There's ten traps on the homestead.

We gotta do a full circuit check every two hours.

I thought the curse was broken.

Traps aren't for Revenants.

There's all sorts of things in the woods now.

And one of them, this big ugly troll, wants in here bad.

(DOC): Oh, tarnation!

Thank you for the exceptionally tight welcome.

Rachel, Doc, Doc, Rachel.

Sup?

Don't move.

I am rather determined not to.

Ohh!

It is good to see you, Sheriff Haught.

Yeah, well, these days, it's just Nicole, or...

"that crazy ginger bitch".

God, it's...

I'm so, so glad you made it, Henry.

(SMOOCH) Ugh!

You smell aggressively bad.

Yeah, we use skunk juice to bait the traps.

Wynonna isn't marinating in skunk juice in one of these, is she?

- Wynonna is in jail.
- What?

They have framed her.

For the m*rder of Randy Nedley.

(INTENSE MUSIC)

Who are you?

You can call me the Sheriff.

Okay, then you can call me an Uber.

Ooh! Uh...

Back away from the glass, - - - .

Dude...

There's a guy in there, I'm not going in there.

Yeah, main cell's chock-a-block.

But believe you me, he's far from the worst of 'em.

Uh...

Assless chap? I want my phone call!

- I want my phone call!
- Sorry I can't hear you.

I demand a phone call!

- Who are you?
- Casey. You?

Local nogoodnik, Wynonna Earp.

Ahh!

I thought I'd be safe in here!

Wow. Didn't even have to steal your pudding cup to establish who's boss. Nice.

From demons and famous demon hunters.

Back up one sec.

Pretend I haven't been here for, say, a year and a half, and just explain to me.

Uh, since the town was evacuated

- for the forest fires?
- Say I remember that.

Oh, well, the townspeople left, but demons came.

You know when there's, like, a bush party?

And nobody knows who started it, but everybody hears about it somehow?

They all just started showing up.

Everybody shows up for bush.

Yeah, the townspeople were allowed to come back home, and there was, like, an ongoing demon rager, centered around the woods.

- The stairs.
- I'm not, I'm not staring!

Also I'm only a half-demon!

So, you know, please don't sh**t!

Casey, don't be a weenie.

I don't even have my g*n anymore.

In here...

Obviously the Sheriff would have taken it.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

(SIGHING)

So the woods are full of monsters.

Crawling with 'em.

These days, the only place scarier than in here...

is out there.

(BIRDS SQUAWKING)

(BRAKES SQUEALING)

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(METAL CLANGING)

(SCREAMING, MONSTER GROWLING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

I have a half-knitted scarf I was making him for Christmas.

His waders are still in the barn.

Yeah. I know, Waves.

It's tough to think of a world without Randy Nedley.

- (KETTLE WHISTLING)
- How can he just... be gone?

It was months of chaos after the evacuation ended.

People came back, yeah, but... to be blunt, others just disappeared.

Kate?

I saw her on one of the evacuation trains.

But beyond that...

Jeremy? And Robin?

Jeremy's getting by, though I haven't heard from him in months.

Robin...

How could we have been in that garden for a year and a half?

We were not. Time must be differentiated, fluid in some manner.

Yeah, God, it's such a mind-frog.

I mean, how old even am I?

(GASPS)

I missed so many Property Brothers!

I feel that.

At least if we'd have lived the past months, it would be easier to...

There was nothing easy about those months. Not a thing.

No, I didn't mean it like that.

Not like that at all.

There's no almond milk.

It's still hard to get some things. Sorry.

Please don't say you're sorry anymore, okay?

You don't need to be.

What you have done, Sheriff...

Nicole... is nothing short of heroic.

In the face of all adversity, you alone kept the homestead safe.

I had Rachel.

And the Earp shotguns.

And Wynonna still hasn't come home.

They have to let us see her.

Wynonna said she last left Nedley with Mercedes.

- What is the news on her?
- It's not good.

There's a new demon bar out on Horsehead Trail.

And, though given the circumstances, it is but a trifle... is there word of my Charlene?

♪ Tell your mama ♪

♪ Tell your pa ♪

♪ Tell your daddy what you never saw ♪

♪ You can run out ♪

Woo-hoo!

♪ Run out that door ♪

(ENGINE REVVING)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

Vacation is over, assholes.

It is time for a Holliday.

The club is members only.

Well, here are my dues.

Salutations, Patrons of...

The Glory Hole?

Is that really the name of this latrine?

"Why should I obtain by force that which I can obtain by cheating?"

John Henry Holliday, born , Griffin, Georgia.

Amon.

I'm the proprietor of this latrine.

You sure you wouldn't rather cheat than force your way in?

Bring me Ms. Gardner.

Unless you fancy kissing hardwood too.

Hmm, well...

There were parts of that scenario which I found enticing.

Big fan, Mr. H.

It's a demon bar.

You think we're not thrilled to welcome an undead legend?

Not the worst thing I've been called.

(CHUCKLES)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

(WOMAN): Welcome to my Glory Hole.

- (MAN CHEERING)
- That's right, bonbons.

It's time for your nicest vice, the mistress of the ruthless.

(APPLAUSE)

Portia Control.

♪ Do you want to go downtown ♪

♪ See the city lights, it's the red light district ♪

♪ Do you want to go downtown ♪

(WOMEN CHEERING)

If they think they're gonna lock up my sister for the maybe m*rder of my favorite Sheriff, present company excepted, of course.

Present company not the Sheriff.

Yeah, and what the hell's that about?!

Yeah. You haven't met the "they" yet.

Nicole. I am gonna go to town and I am gonna kick so much ass,

I might go up a shoe size.

God, I've missed you, Waverly Earp.

Though how do I, an adult woman, own this many fuzzy garments?

It's only cause I organized it by fabric.

I did faux fur, flirty florals, feminine flannels...

You saved it all.

- (RACHEL SHOUTING IN BACKGROUND)
- So carefully.

Yeah, everything I could, anyway.

(RACHEL): A little help here, please!

- (KNOCKING ON WINDOW)
- Geez. Hey, Rachel!

Not like that!

Honestly, it's like this girl has never milked a skunk before.

You're saying all these words like they make sense.

I gotta go save her from herself.

Come back safe, okay? Again.

And with Wynonna this time.

(RACHEL): I just need your juice!

- (SIGHS)
- Okay.

(WYNONNA SIGHS)

What are you in for?

I splatowed one of my customers.

I thought she was a Medusa.

- 'Cause of how high you were?
- No, because she was a Medusa.

If Purgatory's such a hellhole now, why stay?

Wait... How'd you get around the problem of the border?

What problem with the border?

Oh, did I not mention that?

- (WYNONNA SIGHS)
- Okay...

After all the demons moth-to-a-flamed the Ghost River Triangle, some government dickpickles set up, like, a quarantine around the place.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, so, people can't get out now?

Demons can't. Reg peeps can.

Good.

Wait. Not criminals!

There's no way in Herojuana they'll let you out.

This is a Russian doll of suckage.

Inside an arbitrary border, there's a hellmouth, inside that is a demon bush party, inside that is a jail, and inside that,

I'm at the mercy of a Dukes of Hazzard reject who wouldn't know justice if it splatowed him

- in his butter sculpture face.
- (KNOCKING)

Ms. Earp? You have a visitor.

Good.

Give me a heads up next time.

You were in the zone.

My client has the right to a trial.

Your sister will get one.

That's the whole reason I brought her in, instead of letting the town hang her.

I'm issuing a writ of habeas corpus.

No!

These dickpickles are gonna have to show us a body.

That is literally what habeas corpus means.

You two wanna let me know when you're done slap-fighting

'cause I've got a hell of a backlog.

Oh, you've got a backlog?

Buddy, apparently I haven't pooped in months.

I have a backlog.

Motion to strike that from the record.

Motion denied.

Nice of you to join us, Magistrate.

- Mm-hmm.
- Magistrate?

The family member here would like to register a judicial complaint, Your Honor.

Yeah, I don't do those.

I just like the part where I'm all judgy.

It's regarding the Earp case.

That's her?

That?

That can hear you.

Um, we need to manage this one carefully.

There was an incident downtown, and...

- people are watching.
- Ooh, fun.

Uh, can we not refer to the attempted execution of my client as fun?

Can I speak with you for a moment privately?

In my office?

Cute outfit.

(DOOR CLOSING)

(WHISPERING): Is this our plan? Is this our entire plan?

No, of course not.

Wynonna, we're gonna prove you didn't k*ll Nedley.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Doc's all over it.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

♪ Do you wanna go downtown ♪

(CROWD CHEERING)

Behave, bunnies.

Or don't.

What a dame.

Do you want another Brandy Alexander?

I wish I could offer you something different, but my supply trucks keep getting eaten by the woods.

And what with this county technically dry these days...

Doc!

What a relief it is to see you.

And a letdown to smell you.

Well, careful now.

You will make your bunnies jealous.

They just love when I serve them up all that bloodsucker realness.

Who turned you? Was it Kate?

What? I'm not a vamp!

Realness means faking it.

God. Keep up!

Wait, so you are not actually a demon?

I just let them think that I am, because it's safer that way.

What does that tell you about what this town has become?

Please tell me everyone's okay, Doc.

Waverly is fine. Wynonna is in jail.

Frick. I was worried about that.

What really happened to Nedley?

When Wynonna left him with me,

I tried my best to Meredith Grey that magnificent old bitch back to health.

But eventually, he did a runner on me.

Why?

He was oozing. And he smelled.

Like a teen boy's feet, coated in blue cheese.

Worse than you!

You paint quite a picture, Portia.

I tried my best.

But this place was getting real.

And after a few days, he just... he took off into the woods.

Where the monsters are.

You must come and attest to that.

Doc, this isn't the world that you all left.

We must produce Nedley, either alive or dead, we must find him.

I can tell you where the people-eater is, it's out at Grizzly Flats.

Maybe you'll find something to show them.

Doc, they say it's claws are like if Wolverine impregnated a chainsaw.

Thank you, Mercedes.

Oh! (LAUGHING)

Can we try a jailbreak?

No! They've got a lot of guys working for them,

- whatever they are.
- Yeah.

- What if they're all demons?
- Exactly,

- and I don't have my...
- (DISTANT LAUGHING)

... shiny thing that makes with the peace.

- sh*t.
- Ahem!

I have an announcement to make!

So!

(CLEARING THROAT)

- (MEGAPHONE FEEDBACK)
- You think that our jails are too crowded, and our courts are too slow?

Think there's nothing to do in this lame-ass town?

Think we need a little bit more junk in our trunks?

- Is she asking me?
- And as always, we aim to please, and we're here to fix any problem you guys think you might have. So...

lock up your daughters, and lube up your saucepans!

All of our jailbirds will be competing for one, yes, one, get-out-of-jail-free card.

- In the first ever...
- What?

... Randy Nedley Memorial Chili Cook-off

For Freedom! Yay!

Is... Is this real life?

Might be for you. But I'm dead.

(PIANO MUSIC)

Hope you're ready to stumble!

'Cause this tummy is starting to grumble!

- (WOMAN): Woo!
- (CHUCKLING)

She is Grade A, USDA certifiable.

Hey, just be glad you weren't here for the Tops-Off-Dance-Off For Freedom!

Every month or so, the Magistrate manages to out-whackadoo herself.

I don't get it. What's her endgame?

Ugh, classic bread and circuses, brah.

Keep the populace fed and entertained, and you can get away with all kinds of devilry.

Yup. Okay, your trash talk is a little all over the place.

Hey, they set people free after these contests.

I've seen it.

What if this is the only chance for us to get out?

Wynonna!

Hi.

Haught.

Thanks for getting her home.

I only did it for me.

Like everything you've ever done.

It's been a while.

A long while, apparently.

- How you holding up?
- Peachy.

Hey. I brought a few things from home.

Is that against the rules?

Uh, I feel like the only rule is don't tell the Empress she's got no clothes.

Well she's def got no panties.

What? She jumped up on a desk. I couldn't help it.

- Is she waxed?
- (AIRHORN BLARING)

- Fudge!
- And that's the first toot of the Randy Nedley Memorial Chili Cook-off For Freedom!

With a lot more toots to follow.

Now get cooking, left-swipes!

- Cook!
- Do I put the cheese in first?

- Probably, right?
- Oh!

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Yup.
- Yup.

We're on it. We're on it.

(EERIE MUSIC)

Ohh...

Oh, sweet honey-lamb.

(MONSTER GROWLING)

(TENSE MUSIC)

Come closer, now.

It is time we met.

(GROWLING)

(COUNTRY MUSIC)

Woo! You want a t-shirt?!

You want a t-shirt?

And you get a t-shirt! Oh!

In the nads!

Now they're also XXL!

Probably better not to be Sheriff while she's got her hands on that thing.

Imagine the lawsuits?

I never imagined you giving up the star, power-hungry fiend that you are.

I didn't give up. Cleo showed up, reincorporated the town, made herself magistrate,

- and elected her own Sheriff.
- So nobody stopped her?

Who had time for politics? I had Rachel, and the homestead, and people to look for.

And I did look. Hard.

Where'd you look? Up Bunny Loblaw's...

Don't come at me about it, okay, Wynonna?

I know I let everybody down.

Nicole, I would never say...

Are you two chatting? I need those onions, stat!

Yes, chef! Coming.

Okay. Now, for the pressed seitan.

What?! Who's President Satan?

No. Seitan. As in vital wheat gluten.

It's the secret to a hearty vegan chili.

We're making vegan chili?!

Baby, how's she supposed to win anything with vegan chili?!

(GASPS)

Not today, Satan!

Afternoon, Ms. Haught.

Sheriff Clayborn.

Makes a change to see you back in town.

I hope that means there's no hard feelings.

About the election.

I didn't have as much time to campaign.

Or your other rumored advantages.

Nice you can afford a break now, though.

I mean, that is, if you feel the homestead is safe with a... teenage girl on the case.

Good luck with the chili.

Aw, you have your little worry wrinkle.

There are things, Waverly. Every night, in those traps.

The monster really wants inside.

You're worried about Rachel.

Why don't you go home?

You sure you don't mind?

No.

I'll give you bucks for half your bacon.

You don't have bucks.

Wynonna!

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

For Randy Nedley.

(g*nshots, MONSTER GROWLING)

(GROWLING)

Rachel?!

- Valdez?!
- Nicole! I'm okay!

Okay. You're okay?

Don't make it more painful by mommying me.

What happened?

I'm out re-baiting trap seven, by the poplars, and you scared away the skunks earlier, so I used kombucha.

What? It kills all kinds of things, you know, like intestinal parasites, and...

Ow, ow!

So I'm filling up the trap, and it runs in, you know, the big, crusty one.

But then, you know that old-timey cowboy dude?

Daddy Blue Eyes?

- Doc.
- Yeah!

He's on the hill, and he's yelling at it to come get him instead.

- Did he k*ll it?
- No, but he sh*t it.

Okay. You are coming inside.

And that is my mommy voice.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Oh, my God. It's edible. Try it!

You threw stolen beef and a can of anchovies into my vegan masterpiece!

Ahh!

Damn.

I'm gonna shove that thing up her canned anchovies.

Criminal, take it.

And this.

Criminal chiliheads!

As you all know, I excel at having opinions.

And I was going to decide today's winner all by my lonesome, but a little voice in my head was like, don't be such a greedy skank's toilet, Cleo!

- Cleo?
- Toilet?

So I asked the second... prettiest girl in all of Purgatory to come help me out.

So slap your bits together for your Miss Kidney Bean:

Chrissy Nedley!

(CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

(TENSE MUSIC)

Oh... You weren't kidding.

She really does think you k*lled her dad.

Yeah, I don't think you're gonna win.

I'm gonna turn out the lights in case it's attracted to them.

(MONSTER ROARING)

It's here.

(STOMPING)

(DOC): Nicole! Let me in! Let me in!

(RACHEL): It's Dr. Mustache, we have to save him!

(DOC): I'm going out front!

It's gonna break the glass!

(DOC): Open up!

Nicole, you have to let him in!

- (STOMPING)
- Nicole!

- (MONSTER ROARING)
- Nicole!

(ROARING)

Wake up!

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

- (MONSTER ROARING)
- (DOC): Please!

That felt like it took forever.

- Yeah, I bet.
- Move!

(INTENSE MUSIC)

(g*nsh*t, MONSTER ROARING)

You carried a bottle the whole time you were running?

- You are goals.
- No, he is not goals,

- he needs water.
- Or maybe he needs...

(BOTH): Don't say kombucha.

Thanks for distracting the crusty booger beast.

- Right, Haught?
- Yeah. Thanks, Doc.

Do not let me set here for more than ten minutes.

I am fixing to return to the woods.

- For what?
- To complete the job.

- That is a host animal.
- For the little puffballs!

I saw it leaking from the wound.

I believe it has slowed a little.

Then it's time we strike back.

- It might be okay.
- (AIRHORN BLARING)

- I'll never get used to that.
- So...

Clearly some of you didn't want it bad enough.

Seriously, four of those chilis was just hot diarrhea with beans.

- Certainly mine.
- Ew.

So, thank you for attending the first Randy Nedley Memorial Chili Cook-off.

If you leave off the "For Freedom", so help me,

I will treat you to an actual bowl of hot diarrhea.

For Freedom!

My father had a complicated relationship with this cook-off.

If he were here today, he would say...

God, no one cares, Pissy, who won?!

And today's winner of our get out-of-jail-free card goes to...

Please, please, please, please.

Wynonna Earp!

- What?
- (CROWD WHISTLING)

(SQUEALING)

Winner, winner, chili dinner! I win!

- Glad it was you, Cell-y!
- Listen, you can have the rest

- of my chili if you want.
- Ah, I'm good.

What?

Ah...

- No way, right?
- Okay!

Bye!

- Pound it. No? No?
- (WAVERLY GAGS)

It tastes like peppermint butt.

- Hey, hey!
- So why?

Unhand your Chili Queen!

That's why.

Where are those keys?

To my new car?

Wow, this contest has everything!

Holt, or Sheriff Clayborn, doesn't like it when I drive department vehicles, but he can have a big old gag of my gavel.

Did you forget the "freedom" part?

Yeah, not 'til you get to the border.

I'm not leaving town.

Don't worry, I can get you out. I know people.

No, I mean, I won't.

Do you know how many Purgatorians would have m*rder*d for this prize?

(GASPS) Oh, weird...

I just realized that that's exactly what you did!

You acted like you knew who I was.

When we first met.

But you're not a Revenant.

And if you were really powerful, you'd just k*ll me.

(GASPS) Yay!

Keys!

I wish I knew what we were up against, so we could prep a silver b*llet or a wooden stake.

- Sorry, Doc.
- Understood.

Okay, don't yell at me, but...the creature did make a Chewbacca howl when it stepped in the puddle of kombucha.

For the last time, home brewed mold juice will not defeat pure evil.

It smelled like pure evil.

When it was leaking? Like blue cheese and boy feet.

Did you hear someone say that?

It dealt it. I simply smelt it.

Look, I am not suggesting we refrain from hunting it...

Like hell I would.

... but I looked into its eyes and I'm remain unconvinced it is our enemy.

This thing wants to take Waverly's home, and our ability to think of anything else.

I found this in the trap, last year when you guys were...

Gone for too long.

At first I thought it was irrelevant, but then I figured it out.

It's a Hawaiian shirt, Doc.

It's... It's Nedley's shirt.

That thing k*lled him, and now we need to k*ll it.

The ballpuffers are parasites, and they took over something.

Someone.

Someone that always comes back to you, Nicole.

No.

What if the ogre didn't eat Nedley?

- What if the ogre...
- ... is Nedley?

(TENSE MUSIC)

People will find out... about the contest, about you not keeping your word.

One, how are they gonna find out?

And two, what does an Earp know about keeping their word, huh?

That is priceless.

You are hilare.

So this is personal.

(GRUNTING)

(WYNONNA GROANING)

No.

See this...

This is hereditary, daughter of Earps.

(CLEO LAUGHING)

Besides, we have to keep feeding something to this monster, whatever it is, to keep it out of town.

See, Sheriff Holt and I?

We know what it takes to get dirty jobs done.

And if that dirty job... happens to be you?

Bonus.

- Now scream.
- Argh!

(QUIETLY): Eat my vegan seitan.

(SIGHS) See, they lied.

You're not even fun.

(SCREAMING)

Beastie boy!

Come and get it!

Where are you going?

Oh, to sit in my car.

Take a few pics!

Maybe buff my muff, if the mood strikes.

You are so weird.

Previews are over.

Looks like the creature feature is starting.

Get away from her, skank toilet!

Ahh!

For the record, I don't believe in skank shaming, but you said it first.

Sis, you okay?

We need a Kn*fe or scissors.

I have... teeth?

Ugh! She's got a w*apon!

Friggin' skanks always do.

Wait, I gotta stop saying that.

Okay, stay there!

No, no, no!

(CLEO SCREAMING)

(GROWLING)

(WHIMPERING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROWLING)

Waverly!

Waverly!

- Hold your fire!
- It's Nedley!

Doc, flank him on the back!

Waverly, find your position!

(TENSE MUSIC)

(ENGINE STARTING)

(GROWLING)

(SOFT, JOYFUL MUSIC)

♪ I used to take on the world on my own ♪

♪ Thought I was so strong ♪

♪ As long as I'm here ♪

♪ By your side ♪

♪ Ten times as strong together ♪

♪ We're amplified ♪

Idiots.

(LAUGHING)

(GROWLING)

♪ And I'm here by your side ♪

(LAUGHING)

Wynonna?

What did I do?

You survived, Nedley.

That's what you did.

You made it home.

f*ck yeah.

Nedley, I'm not coming any closer until you put this on.

There's been enough crime today.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hey.

- Nicole, what's going on?
- I...

You were not in possession of your own faculties.

Why do I taste skunk?

That may be me.

That's some intense, brother.

(SOFT MUSIC)

- Dad.
- Chrissy!

Oh, my God. Dad!

- (CRYING)
- Shh, shh.

They told me you were dead.

This stubborn mule? Not yet.

Where were you? What happened?

I really don't remember.

- Ah, might be for the best.
- Might be?

Look, um, we think he'll be fine.

But just for fun, maybe keep him away from small game.

Wynonna. I don't even know what to say.

(WYNONNA): I know.

It's just, since the evacuation, I... this place... it got to me and I...

Needed us and got hurt when we weren't here?

- Yeah.
- It won't happen again.

Hey, you.

It's good to have you back.

Nicole.

You should get Chrissy out of here.

While you still can.

You did the chili cook-off without me?

(LAUGHING) Dad...

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

Here I thought all my flirting was getting me nowhere.

There is more where that came from.

That would get my slacks off in a snap.

'Cause that would be a challenge.

I paid for that truck, and its contents, and I'll be french-fried if you're going to sell my own property back to me.

Except I know where it is and you do not.

But I suppose I could sell said contents to the human bar in town...

Let's not get off on the wrong foot.

I also suggest that you acquire protection for your next order and that would be, well, yours truly.

An experienced hand with local knowledge, who can then safely convey said truck right to your...back door.

What would you require in return?

Something to quench that vampiric appetite?

When was the last time you fed?

My hunger... is none of your concern.

What I require is something more... tangible.

A future favor.

And two thousand a load.

(CHUCKLING) That's highway robbery.

Precisely. And at a reasonable cost.

But I assure you, I am the best.

Mm-hmm...

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

You smell like heaven.

I know.

♪ If you could love me completely ♪

♪ If you could show me a sign ♪

Having trouble remembering where you like these lips.

You seem to be figuring it out.

You know, the garden tried to fool me.

With a fake you.

You didn't...

No. Not even close.

But I would've known in a second.

I know every curve... every sigh... every taste...

(DOOR CLOSING)

Wynonna, her midnight snack, and the pantry door.

She never met a thing she couldn't slam.

Yeah. I guess I'd forgotten.

I love you, Nicole Haught.

And I can't wait for the rest of our lives to unfold.

Can you tell me about your year and a half?

I'm sorry, I'm just... distracted.

I gotta go check those traps.

Oh.

Yeah. Okay. Uh...

Can I come with you?

Always.

(SOFT MUSIC)

- Expected date of return?
- Never.

My Dad's birthday is in August. Might surprise him.

I have to get my supervisor.

(RADIO TURNS ON)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

(MAN): You're cleared to go.

(WHISPERING): They're back.

I'll move out to the barn, now that everyone's back.

- Which is good.
- Take the bed.

You've earned it, kid.

Besides...

I'm better in the cold.

Okay, Jon Snow in a B cup.

And I'm not a kid, Wynonna.

Why'd you leave Monument?

When you're a person who's gone through some stuff, and you see somebody else, who's a good person, also going through some stuff...

How bad is Nicole?

She was alone for a really long time.

Well, thanks for taking care of my friend,

Rachel Valdez.

Thank you for noticing, Wynonna Earp.

Oh, the Earp heir.

Listen. My bed, yeah.

My leather pants, no.

Pfft, please.

I wouldn't be seen wearing these in front of the skunks I milk.

Your fringed leather jacket, though...

Don't push your luck, Smalldez.

- Good night.
- Good night, Wynonna.

(SIGHING)

- Hello, chaps!
- Hands up.

Like I said: so good to be home.