02x02 - The Stakeout

[bunniefuu]

I just want to check one last time that you're okay about this date with Mark.

Oh, my God. I'm so fine with it, Ann. Seriously. It's so fine.

As long as you and I are cool.

You know my code. Hoes before bros.

Uteruses before duderuses. Got it.

Ovaries before brovaries.

You make such good coffee.

Look, I know you're saying you're okay with it, but I've been in this position before, and I had a friend who dated an ex, and I said I was okay, but I wasn't, actually. It was kind of weird.

But the thing is, Mark isn't my ex.

You know, we slept together six years ago.

Anyway, I'm over it. Or am I? I'm just kidding.

This is one of my greatest brainstorms ever.

A community garden, right in the middle of the pit.

We're encouraging people to just come out and plant whatever they want.

And Tom and I sometimes get here early and help out.

It's so hot. I had to get some more iced tea.

People have just really embraced this and planted the coolest stuff.

And Tom is our master horticulturist.

He knows all the scientific names for everything. Right, Tom?

Yeah. Like this. What's this, Tom?

Those are, of course, tomatoes, or Soulja Boy Tell 'Ems.

Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the names of rappers.

And those over there?

Those are some Diddys.

Those are some Bone Thugs-n-Harmony-ums right here.

Growing beautifully.

Those Ludacrises are coming in great.

Look, someone planted something new. What's this?

What do you think, carrots?

If that's true, we have a garden pest on our hands.

Maybe some kind of spice?

Yeah. You know, Leslie, the best way to figure out what kind of spice that is, just roll it up into a joint and smoke it.

Ron, did you get my texts?

No.

Did you get my emails? Mnm-mn Did you see that I paged you?

I did not. Did you check your voicemail?

I didn't.

We have a criminal emergency on our hands.

Someone planted a gateway drug in the community garden.

Okay. Call the cops.

That'll leak to the press. Then there'll be an investigation, and they'll find my fingerprints on the manure, and then we'll lose our funding.

You don't have funding.

And we never will if this gets out.

Look, I will call the cops, but just give me one day to deal with this internally, okay?

Sure. Thank you.

And listen, if this thing blows up, I was never here.

I have a hernia.

I've had it for a while.

And I've been ignoring it, successfully.

But this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing.

But as long as I sit still and don't move my head, or torso, I'm good, I got this.

We need to find out who we're dealing with.

Who is this person? Who is this kingpin?

It's a 13-year-old kid named Stevie, who likes to get high, and make his Transformers look like they're having sex together.

I would like to be President someday, so, no, I have not smoked marijuana.

I ate a brownie once. At a party in college. It was intense.

It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating.

Turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownie.

It was just an insanely good brownie.

You know, if we catch him, then we avoid a scandal.

'Cause we flip the headline, and it's not

"Community Garden Infested With Pot."

It's "Brave Public Servants Rid Neighborhood of dr*gs, "Earn Praise from Mayor, comma, Everyone."

We got to catch this guy. Get the van, meet me at 7:00.

It's stakeout time.

April?

Yeah? Get my lunch for me, please.

Okay. Like, order you something?

No, get it. From there.

Is this some kind of weird power trip?

Please.

Thank you. That'll be all.

You're welcome.

I have stakeout supplies.

This is stuff that we're probably going to need.

We have notepads, pencils and pencil case.

Shakable whipped cream. Cameras. Pork.

And candy necklaces.

It's like we're real police.

And I made us a mix CD.

It's all filled with songs about people watching people.

It's mostly Sting. And look, I put our faces on there.

It's really cool.

Are you going to wear that shirt?

Yeah. You like it?

Tommy Hilfiger?

No. Tom Haverford. I spent 120 bucks to get it monogrammed.

Here you go. Everyone thinks it's Tommy Hilfiger.

Well, here. You should be wearing something like this.

Take this.

Wear black. Black is what you wear on a stakeout.

Okay, I have to figure out how this works. Just let me focus up on this.

Pretty bummed this fits.

Okay, now I need to just take a test sh*t and see how this goes.

Test sh*t. You ready? Just focus up on the pit. All right.

Stop. Focus up right where the...

Stop. Focus up right where the weed is...

Stop. Stop.

Leslie swears it's okay. So I'm going out with Mark.

I got to get back out there.

When Andy and I used to go to the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie.

And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time.

Even when we saw Ratatouille.

Oh, look. It's Mark.

What are you doing? What?

I'm just checking to make sure this lens works. Good. Yeah.

Hey, Ann. Hey.

So, you ready to go?

Oh, no. I need another hour to get ready.

Seriously? 'Cause I think the movie starts in like...

Oh, you're joking around right now.

Wow. This is going to be fun.

Yeah, well, you know, with a body like this, you don't get the brains, too.

Ew! Silly.

Whoa! Are they dating now? Brendanawicz is the man.

This is Brendanawicz's life.

Hot chick from the newspaper, hot chick from the post office, hot chick from the hospital.

Her name's Ann. You know her name. Her name's Ann.

I'm just saying. Nobody turns him down.

I did.

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

We were drunk, and he tried to kiss me, and I said, "No, sir, Mark Brendanawicz. I don't need your business here."

Get down.

Working late?

Yeah.

Shovel guitar, shovel guitar Somebody wants to play shovel guitar Leslie's been playing shovel guitar for about an hour now. Longer.

Bucket drum, bucket drum You're not from here, right?

No. I'm from South Carolina.

But you moved to South Carolina from where?

My mother's uterus.

But you were conceived in Libya, right?

Wow. No. I was conceived in America. My parents are Indian.

Where did the name 'Haverford' come from?

My birth name is Darwish Sabir Ismael Gani, and I changed it to Tom Haverford because, you know, brown guys with funny-sounding Muslim names don't make it really far in politics.

What about Barack Obama?

Okay, yeah, fine, Barack Obama.

If I knew a dude named Barack Obama was going to be elected President, yeah, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.

Oh, did you hear that noise?

Oh, my God. It's the kingpin!

Write this down.

Okay, white male, light brown hair.

Just take pictures.

Oh, my God, it looks like Andy.

That is Andy.

That is Andy. Andy is the kingpin.

Andy. Come here.

Oh, hey, you guys. What are you doing here? It's so good to see you.

Quietly.

What happened?

You're living in the pit now?

For now, yeah.

It's awesome. Somebody just planted a garden down there.

Fruits and vegetables, so I'm getting a lot of vitamins...

But that's our community garden.

Yeah, and someone planted a whole mess of weed next to the tomatoes.

Oh, don't look at me. There's weed down there?

I thought that was the tops of carrots.

Right, I know. Me, too. Listen, we're on a stakeout, okay?

So why don't you come to the van and help us?

We're trying to catch the guy.

And maybe you could tell us what you've seen.

I was supposed to have a rock fight with this crazy guy.

He's like 20 minutes late.

All right. Let's do it. Okay.

Do you live here?

April?

Yeah. Do you live here?

No.

Catch.

Yeah, I thought so.

I went home, but I had this strange feeling that there was something wrong with you, so I came back.

It's just a minor medical issue.

AIDS?

No. I'm safe.

Blindness?

No.

Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee?

I have a hernia.

Do you have syphilis?

I said it's a hernia.

I know.

It's possible to have two things.

Do you need a ride to the hospital?

Yes, please.

Okay.

But I rode my bike here, so I have to go home and get my dad's station wagon.

Thank you.

Bye.

Are you still here?

Yeah. I just wanted to see if you could tell.

Are you still here?

It is really great to have somebody to talk to. Man, oh, man.

So how's Ann? She's doing good?

Oh, I miss her so much, it's ridiculous. How's she doing?

Doing good tonight. She's out on a...

Ann is great.

And I bet she really misses you.

I'm going to need more of these if I'm going to stay up tonight.

Is that candy? Yeah, it's a necklace, made out of candy. You want one?

Oh, all right.

Great. All I've had is fruits and vegetables, for weeks now. Hmm.

Oh, my God!

You know, there's a string in there.

Not in this one.

Instant sugar high! Sugar high!

Sugar hit high! Sugar high! High! Oh!

Are you okay?

Sugar slam!

Maybe we should get you something more substantial to eat.

Mmm-hmm. I'm in.

Hey, bring me back two cheeseburgers and a green tea.

Oh, come on. You got to be kidding me.

So, that was fun.

Yeah. It really was.

Surprisingly fun.

You know what? I have been a perfect gentleman this evening.

In fact, watch this.

I would like you to now please invite me in for a nightcap.

Not a chance. No, no, no. Just...

Watch what I'm going to do.

Oh, okay. Just ask me in for a nightcap.

Will you come in for a nightcap?

Yes, I will.

No, no! Damn! Drat! I was going to plan to not...

Wait, wait, wait. To say no.

Look, that guy's trying to break into that van.

You know what, it does look like he's breaking into that van.

I just...

9- 1-1. Hi, there.

So, Andy, do you, like, spy on Ann from the pit?

No. No. I just like being nearby.

That way, if she wants me back, I can be at her house, like, in two seconds, before she changes her mind.

I don't really know how healthy that is.

I mean, you guys aren't even dating anymore.

She might be dating somebody else.

Is she? What?

Is she dating somebody else? Huh? What?

You just said Ann might be dating somebody else.

Is she? I didn't say that.

Who is she dating? Nobody. Mark.

That's cool.

Oh, my God!

641 to base, I'm at the vehicle now.

How you doing tonight, sir?

I'm all right, Officer. How are you?

I'm responding to a 9-1-1 call about a suspicious person breaking into a van.

I need you to step out and show me some ID.

No, it's okay. My name is Tom Haverford.

I work for the Parks Department.

I just got locked out of the van.

I had to jimmy my way back in.

Well, why don't you jimmy your way out and show me some ID.

Well, I just told you my ID. So, what's the crime here?

Parking while Indian?

No, there's no stereotypes about Indians sitting in vehicles.

All right, fine. Here's my ID.

Nice job, Paul Blart.

Why don't you head back to the mall, make sure nobody's breaking into Lady Foot Locker?

Hey. I'm very close right now to placing you under arrest for disorderly conduct.

Step out of the van.

I'll step out of your mama's van.

I didn't do anything! I'm a city employee, man! Come on! Leslie!

Motion sensors.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me! What are you doing?

What happened to the guy that was in that van?

Cops took him.

What? Oh, my God!

Ann and Mark! Andy!

It's Ann and Mark! Andy?

Leslie? Oh!

Leslie Knope. Hey!

Hey! Wow.

We caught a criminal. Do you know about this?

Yeah, he was breaking into this van and they dragged him away.

It was crazy.

Right here.

What are you doing here?

If you could just stop writing for a second, and just focus here, because...

Ma'am, ma'am, as I've told you several times already, this is a police matter.

Well, it doesn't seem to matter to the police!

Okay. Nice job with that. But let's...

Let me ask you a question.

Is it the policy of the Pawnee Police Department to arrest people when they try to get into their own van?

No. And thankfully, that's not what happened.

Now, could you please go home, and get some sleep, and let this matter be resolved.

Thank you, Officer. Let's just go home, Leslie.

Yeah, let's go home. Let's just go home.

No! No! Let's just go home.

No! Easy!

No. No, no, no, no, no! Leslie...

Okay, come with me, please.

Fine. I'd like to come with you.

Your friend, he acted like an ass.

And you got to believe me, he didn't give me a choice.

Your name's Dave, right? Can I call you Dave?

My mother likes David, but I'm pretty split on it 50-50.

Hate to break it to you, Dave. You really stepped in it.

What? - I'm a government employee, David, and so is your prisoner.

If I wanted to, I could get on the horn, and I could have Ron Swanson down here, kicking down your doors.

Yeah, that's right. You heard me. Ron Swanson.

What branch of government are you in?

Parks and Recreation.

Parks and Recreation?

Yes. Do I stutter?

Look, Ms. Knope, it wasn't just his behavior, okay?

I think your friend might be some kind of a pervert.

No. Look, that's what people think when they first meet him, but he's all talk. It's just...

No, I'm being serious.

We searched the van and we found a lot of disturbing things.

Some professional photography equipment, and these pictures of some people on a date.

We also found an enormous amount of manure, and a very inappropriate amount of candy.

Okay, look. Tom and I were in that van together.

We were staking out the community garden, because somebody planted marijuana in it.

I brought the candy and I brought a lot of it, because I love candy.

I took the pictures.

My best friend was going on a date with my ex-lover.

It's been a very long night.

But Tom is not a pervert, and he shouldn't be in jail.

Well, they're going to release him in a little while.

Thank God.

Should I get you guys home right now?

You know, you two go ahead. I'm going to stay here and wait for Tom.

Are you sure?

Yeah, prison changes a man.

I think he'll probably want to see a familiar face when he gets back on the outside.

Well, okay, then. See you, Leslie.

Yo. I had to wait till my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys.

You ready?

I was born ready.

I'm Ron Swanson.

Easy. Care...

Careful.

Take...

Ann, I really don't think you should invite me in.

Terrible things happened last time.

So, I guess I'll just see you tomorrow.

Okay. Okay.

Bye.

Hey. You kind of kissed me.

Yes, I did!

And now we both have herpes. I'll see you later.

Leslie. Thanks for waiting. I appreciate it.

Mother Teresa, it's not your chocolate.

Don't... Get your hands off that.

Wake up. What?

Is this your house? Where are we?

Hey. You're awake.

Oh, yeah. Thanks for the coat.

It's no problem. You can keep it.

Really?

Actually, no. I need that for my uniform.

But I can give you a ride back to your car.

Okay. And we'll talk about the coat.

I can't give it to you. Do you understand?

Okay.

So, where's that marijuana at?

It's down in the garden.

Good meeting you, man!

We should grab a drink or something sometime.

I just hope that Ann and Mark got home okay.

That's all that matters, you know?

That Ann is home and she's okay.

And that Mark is also okay and he is in his home.

Just important that they're both in their homes...

Leslie. Mark's an idiot.

You can do a lot better than him.

Forget about him.

Thanks, Tom.

I didn't mean me. Keep it in your pants, Knope.

I swear to God, it actually... It was there...

These are carrots.

Duh! You don't think I know the difference between carrots and marijuana?

Is that the house there, where your best friend lives?

Where she saw the van from?

Yeah.

Okay. I get it.

What?

Well, you wanted to check up on your friend and that guy, your ex, so you made up a story about weed so you could stake out their date.

No, I did not. There actually was weed here...

It's okay.

I think it's kind of cute.

I like Miss Knope. I liked her. I got to say, I...

When I first met her I didn't care much for her, because like 99% of the people in any given day of my life, she was very belligerent and disagreeable.

Miss Knope was attractive to me.

As a man, I was attracted to her in her demeanor.

I was attracted to her in a sexual manner that was appropriate.

Can we not... I don't want to talk about this anymore.

What a crazy night. Huh, partner?

Want to go get some breakfast?

What? No! Take me home. What's wrong with you?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe this is on.

I wonder if mini golf is open.

Home!

Especially if you're going to...

I know.

Anndanawicz! What're you guys doing? Eating? Love it.

Oh, hey, just wanted to thank you for having me arrested as a pervert the other night.

That was cool. Peace!

We didn't think you were a pervert, we thought you were a criminal.

For the record, I still actually kind of think he's a pervert.