Carla: Hey, "cheers" is filmed before a live studio audience.
Cliffie, don't look now, but there are two chicks at the end of the bar staring at us.
You're crazy.
I'm telling you, they've been staring at us for at least 20 minutes.
What, do we look weird or something?
Well, you do.
Why?
'Cause you're talking out of the side of your mouth.
I'm telling you, they can't take their eyes off us.
Ohh!
Well, there's only one way to be sure now.
You just toodle down to the other end of the bar and see if their eyes follow us, eh?
All right.
[Clears throat]
So are they looking? They looking?
Yep.
I'd say those supple young petunias definitely want us now.
Mm-hmm.
So what do we do now?
Aahh, just take a walk over there.
Hmm. I will if you will.
Ok.
On second thought, why don't we just play it cool here for a while, huh?
Yeah, yeah, we let them come to us.
Yeah, yeah, those babes are really hot for us, huh?
That's it, folks. Closing time. Sorry.
Whoop, here they come, norm, moving in for the k*ll.
Thank you, girls.
Excuse me.
My friend and I were wondering if you guys know a late night spot to go to.
You know, some place a little fun.
Uh...
Uh...
Uh... uh...
Uh...
I, uh...
What was that?
Ahhhh...
Ahhhh.
These guys are martians.
Come on, they're nerds.
Their loss.
[Groaning]
♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
[Both groaning]
Well, they've... Gone now, cliff.
You can turn off the charm.
Yeah, uh... You were real smooth yourself there now.
Listen to Cary Grant here. That was humiliating.
Yeah, well, what difference does it make?
They weren't that good-looking anyway.
Absolutely.
We almost took the midnight train to bow-wow city.
You're right.
Hey, I've seen better legs on a pool table!
Yeah! Hey, you could use that chest for a straightedge!
Hey, hey, hey, if you ever come back, put a bag over your head!
No, a gunnysack... It'll cover more!
Hey!
Ahh! Great eats, Diane. Thanks.
How did you enjoy your rognons de veau au chartrere?
Ah, yes! Mmm... Ah!
Was that the green stuff?
No. That was the brown stuff.
Good. That green stuff kind of repeats on you.
I'm dreadfully sorry.
Quite all right, quite all right.
Well, I am going to check some scores out on the tube here, I think.
Ahh.
You know, Sam.
I went to a lot of trouble with this meal.
So did I.
Come on, come on, come on, I'm joking.
It was wonderful. Thank you very much.
It's such a pleasure to cook for a gourmand.
Yes, I'm that.
Sam, what's happening to us?
You repeating, too?
Well, a little, but that's not what I'm talking about.
We're becoming humdrum, routine.
Oh, I'll tell you what.
After my meal settles here, I'll att*ck you.
Well, you may be in the mood earlier than you think.
You make yourself comfortable.
I'm going to take care of something in the other room.
You got it.
[Knock on door]
Who's there?
Me. Who's there?
Coach?
No, I'm coach.
What the hell you doing here, coach?
Well, at least we got that straight.
Sam, listen, we almost had the most incredible disaster.
Look at this TV guide.
What... whoa!
"Thunder road".
Both: Mitchum!
We haven't missed a mitchum movie together in over 12 years.
Come on, come on, we don't want to miss the beginning.
Oh, Mitch wouldn't start without us.
Sam, we're going to need some munchies.
Yeah, Diane's got some.
Listen, Sam, while you're up, turn down the lights, will you? There's a terrible glare on the screen.
Take me, you barbarian.
Hi, Diane.
Aah!
[Door slams]
Diane, you're going to miss "thunder road".
What happened here, coach?
Nothing yet, Sam. They're just going up the road.
No, I meant with Diane.
Hey, Diane. You all right?
What is coach doing here?
He's watching "thunder road".
We always watch Robert mitchum movies together.
Sam, it's a bad time right now.
Well, I know, honey, but it's kind of an tradition that goes back with us for years. I mean, he's our favorite actor.
Never, under any circumstances, do we miss one of his movies.
But I came out of the bedroom and I'm so embarrassed because of the way I was dressed.
Come in here, I'll show you what I mean.
Come on.
Coach, scram! Out!
What?
What's wrong?
Sam.
A little tact.
I'm sorry. Coach, listen.
What?
Diane and I had this, uh...
Special evening going here, and...
She just fixed me a meal in all my favorite colors, and changed into something frilly there...
Oh! And I come barging in on you.
Gee, Sam, I wasn't even thinking.
Diane, please forgive me.
I'd never want to get in your way.
I'm sorry, hon.
Thank you for understanding, coach.
When you live alone, you tend to forget that other people have lives.
Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
Yeah. Poor coach.
Well, we have so many hours together, and I guess it's kind of selfish not to spend a little time with him, huh?
You're right. I'll go get him.
Good. I bet you can catch him on the steps.
Coach, why are you standing there?
My coat got caught in the door, Sam.
I didn't have the heart to bother you again.
Good night, Diane. Good night, Sam.
No, no, coach, coach. Come here, come here.
Listen, you're going to watch "thunder road" with us tonight.
Come on, sit down.
Really, you mean it?
You bet. Come on over. Now I've never seen this, so you're going to have to fill me in on what's happened.
Oh, I know every line in this picture, Diane.
Now here's my favorite part.
You know, when I'm in charge of the bar, I know what god feels like.
How's that?
It's like I'm in complete control of people's destinies.
Yeah, like, I can make their drinks too strong so they get sick.
Or I can water them down so they're paying for nothing. Yeah.
Or if I don't like their attitudes, I can spit in it.
Carla, you're not still upset about that little argument we had the other day?
You tell me.
Oh, uh, hey, Carla, listen, I'm sorry about this morning when I called you a sawed off witch.
Hi there. I'm Sam Malone.
Maybe you remember me from about a month ago before you and I became a threesome?
Yes, yes, I recognize you now.
You shaved off your pantuso.
That's it. That's it.
Oh, Sam.
I know.
I can't take it anymore.
We never go anyplace without the coach.
I don't even invite him anymore. He just shows up.
What are we gonna do?
Well, I'll tell you what we're going to do.
Right now we're going to go sit in my office we're going to look into each others' eyes all alone.
Oh, that sounds so wonderful.
Sam, Diane. Where have you been?
Coach, I'm sorry. I overslept.
We were up kinda late last night watching...
"Mothra versus Godzilla".
Yeah, boy, was I disappointed in that one.
Sam. Mm-hmm.
We've got to draw the line.
There's no way that we're going to spend the evening with coach tonight.
You're right. You're absolutely right.
We going to get together tonight?
You bet.
Great.
All right, all right.
Now, there's only one solution to this problem.
You have to tell the coach to stop hanging around with us.
Diane's right, Sam.
You don't want coach hanging around, just tell him.
That's the honest, ethical way to approach it.
Maybe you're right.
Of course, if you want to make it easier on coach, why don't you just rip out his heart and do a tap dance on it.
Norman!
I got it, I got it. Here.
What?
Make him think you've got a bad disease.
Get real skinny and you paint your faces white and pasty.
Walk around looking like you're going to throw up.
Uh-uh. You better hurry up there.
Diane's got a head start.
Cliff.
Norm.
Coach likes you guys.
Would you take him off our hands just for tonight, please!
No, no, no, sorry, Sammy.
We don't want coach getting in the way when we're hustling chicks, all right?
I'm sorry I asked.
You know, Sammy, it's against my belief to help you make things go smooth with the squawk box over there, but since coach is involved, I'm going to bend the rules a little bit.
I happen to know he has a crush on one of the tellers at his bank.
You're sure?
Yeah. He talks about her a lot.
I don't know her name, but I figure if he's dating her, maybe she could take him off your hands.
Oh, that's good. Oh, that's good.
What do you say? It's worth a try, huh?
Well, you know, I think coach would be embarrassed by a blind date.
Why don't we pretend that she's a friend of mine?
That way it will look like a chance meeting.
Ah, coach, coach.
Maybe you can help me out here.
I'm shopping around for a new bank.
Do you like yours?
Oh, I love it. The bay harbor savings and loan, right down the street.
Uh-huh. Do you like the tellers there?
Oh, they're terrific.
Is there one you think that I should talk to...
Friendly, nice, cute?
Uh... frank.
Who's the one that you're always talking to?
Oh, you mean the cute redhead with the nice smile that's always winking at me?
Yeah! That's frank.
Hey, coach. Isn't there... Isn't there a woman that you like at the bank there, huh?
Oh... edwina.
Edwina at bay harbor savings and loan?
Isn't that's funny. She's a friend of mine.
Well, if she's a friend of yours, then you should know frank, 'cause they're married.
No, no, coach.
Who's the one who you said was a nice lady last Thursday?
Thursday... stella! Stella!
Stella! That's my friend.
No, not Stella. Not Stella.
I'm not too crazy about Stella.
I meant Dorothy.
Yes! So did I!
Dorothy is the one you like, right?
Oh, yes, Sam, Dorothy's very nice.
Excuse me.
But not as nice as Julia.
Sam!
What am I thinking of?
That's the grocery store.
At the bank, nobody can b*at Sandra.
Sandra!
That's my friend.
Ah, gee!
What is it, coach?
Not Sandra. It's Anita.
I'll take this.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
What? Wrong girl, coach?
No, no, no, no, no. Wrong bank.
Ahh.
Well, Katherine...
Didn't you love that meal?
Oh, it was very nice.
Let me take your sweater.
I'm just glad we had coach along.
Nothing like having an Italian who knows just exactly what to order in an Italian restaurant.
It was wonderful, coach.
What was that dish called again?
Spaghetti for four.
They got a better one, though, it's spaghetti for six, but you need more people.
Well, I've got coffee all set, I just have to plug it in.
Go ahead, sit down and make yourselves at home.
All right. Here you go.
Ooh.
Well. Oh, ah.
Ah. Well.
Well.
You know something, Sam? I can't get over the fact that Diane knew Katherine, my favorite teller at first fidelity.
Well, it's a small world, I guess, coach.
Yeah, and another thing, she seems to know everybody in every bank that I ever dealt with.
Well, you know how friendly she is.
Oh, Diane, how did you and Katherine come to meet?
[Both talking at once]
Oh, that's all right, honey.
Sometimes I forget things, too.
Or do I?
[Laughs]
Coach, you tickle me. Are you always this funny?
Oh, I doubt it.
[Laughs]
So, um...
Katherine, what's new and exciting in the world of high finance?
Oh, nothing that I know of.
The most exciting moment for me is trying to catch somebody playing with their lips on the closed circuit TV.
I knew you looked familiar.
Sit down, Diane. Ok.
Well...
I think banking is fascinating.
There are so many facets.
So many things I've always wondered about.
Yeah. Me, too, you know, Diane?
Like what?
Well, like tellers. You take tellers.
They never tell you anything.
They always ask questions.
And interest.
There's nothing interesting about it at all.
It's boring. Oh, and then the trust department.
They got all the pens chained down to the tables.
What kind of trust is that?
Oh, there he goes again. You're just too much.
Oh. A little giddy, but nice.
Oh, oh, my goodness. Look at the time.
I've got to get up at the cr*ck of dawn.
It's been a wonderful evening.
I'll take a rain check on the coffee, Diane.
Oh, too bad.
Yeah, it is getting kind of late.
Katherine, can I see you get home ok?
Oh, well, thanks, coach, I'd like that.
Good night, Diane. Good night.
Thank you. Thank you.
Good night, Sam. Yes, good night.
Thank you. Oh, yes, you're welcome.
Good night. We'll do it again.
Absolutely. Bye.
Oh, I think this just goes to show you that sticky situations are best handled with lies, deceit, and trickery.
And now for a little romance.
Heh heh heh...
Oh, yeah.
A little hug...
A little kiss...
[Knock on door]
A little coach.
Excuse me.
I thought you were going to show Katherine home.
I did.
I showed her where the bus stop is.
You probably didn't notice, but that dame had the hots for me.
Coach, what's wrong with that? Yeah!
Look, Sam, she's very nice, but she doesn't fit in with the three of us.
She's like a fourth wheel. I gotta some cookies.
Well, what do we do now?
Diane, I think it's time to tell the truth.
Good.
I'll handle this.
Coach, get out here.
Want one?
No.
Listen, coach. I...
I'm going to tell you something, and I don't care if this hurts your feelings.
I'm just going to tell you out straight here.
Well, what? What is it?
Diane doesn't want you hanging around us anymore.
What?
That's not true at all!
Sam doesn't want you around.
I love having you around.
No, no, no, I love having him around more than you do.
As a matter of fact, I love having him around more than having you around.
Well, fine, why don't you around right out the door...
[All talking at once]
Sam, please stop. Diane...
Kids, hold it, please.
Look, I'm beginning to see the light about something here.
You both have something to tell me but you don't have the guts to tell me, right?
Well, I do. Diane doesn't.
Well, then what is it? Say it.
Come on, Sam. Say it.
Look, when you were a drunk and nobody told you, I told you you were a drunk, didn't I? I told you.
Over and over and over again.
Well, you really were a drunk, Sam.
I know.
I mean you were really a drunk, Sam!
Coach, don't start again.
Look, what kind of a friendship is so weak that we just can't come out and tell each other the truth?
You're right. You're right, uh...
We just don't want you hanging around us so much.
If you don't want me, it's fine, ok.
I'm not mad.
It's fine.
I-i-I'll see you.
But, Sam, you really were a drunk.
Good morning, norm.
Where in the heck have you been?
Is my watch fast or something?
Sorry, norm. We had kind of a difficult evening.
Oh, boy. We finally had to tell the coach we didn't want to see him anymore.
It was terrible.
Even worse than we feared.
Spent half the night arguing about who was to blame.
You should... Diane, uh...
Norm! Norm!
Norman...
Good morning, everybody.
How are you today, Norman?
Oh, as if you cared.
So coach didn't take too well to getting the old heave-ho?
Oh, he was destroyed. He tried to cover, but there was no masking the intense pain that Sam inflicted on his deepest being.
Hey, come on, don't start with me again.
If I recall, you did most of the talking.
Sam...
What difference does it make who did it?
The point is the coach has been crushed.
We have to live with that...
Especially you.
Come on. It was your idea.
You insisted.
I... that's the most...
Ahem! Listen, listen.
I want to know which one of you two kids got the idea first to throw me out on my butt last night?
Come on. I want to know right now.
Aw, come on, coach.
What difference does it make whose fault it was?
It's done.
We both have to share the blame.
Yes, the important thing is that we...
We showed you our feelings.
Honesty was our only recourse.
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It was a mutual decision.
Well, listen, whoever it was, I want to thank him from the bottom of my heart, because what happened was, I caught up with Katherine at the bus stop and I took her home.
And we got to know each other, and I think she's a wonderful woman in the world.
I haven't been this happy in years.
Oh, coach, that's wonderful news!
You don't know how happy we are.
And the fact that the two of us had anything to do with it makes us feel even better.
Oh, yeah. Absolutely, coach.
Just think of it as the two of us having been able to do something for you.
Ok?
Say, normie, aren't they a wonderful couple?