04x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

[Shop bell jingles]

Oh!

Do you need anything?

I think you should dye your hair blond.

Why?

Because it would look weird and I would find that funny.

I'll pass.

Selfish!

Hey.

Do you mind if I speak to the pharmacist?

I might be able to help.

Oh, I'd rather speak to the pharmacist.

You might not need to.

Yeah, sorry...

Derek, my questions are a little complicated.

I think it's easier if I just go straight to the pharmacist.

Try me.

Sure.

Here's a question.

Can I speak to the pharmacist, please?

Hi.

Can I help you?

Hi.

Um, I was after the pharmacist.

That's me.

Sorry, is Jacinta around?

No, she's retired.

I'm Amy.

Right.

What was your question?

Oh, uh, it was...

um...

Just got to check something with my friend, sorry.

Hey...

Why is no-one born with green hair?

There's red.

Why not green?

I could pull off green.

Sure.

Um, I need you to buy this for me.

What?

Why?

Because Jacinta has left and the new pharmacist is...

attractive.

Don't look.

You can look at her when you buy that for me.

Um, and could you please say it's for you?

What is it?

Ulcer cream for my mouth.

Eww.

They'll clear up.

I just get them sometimes when I get stressed or eat chips - they cut my mouth.

Stop eating chips.

I don't need to.

There's a cure.

And can you also ask if it's OK to swallow by accident?

I haven't used that brand before.

You owe me.

Big-time.

Yep.

Oh, and, uh...

can you also please buy some condoms?

Jeez.

Jumping ahead.

No, I just don't have any and I don't have to buy them off her down the track.

I'll do it.

If you dye your hair blond.

No.

You shout lunch today.

Deal.

Um, and can you make sure you ask the pharmacist, not that guy at the counter?

OK.

Hello.

Um, can I please speak to the pharmacist?

I can help.

Yes, but I'd prefer to speak to the pharmacist, please.

Let me have a go.

Oh - is it about ulcers?

I know about ulcers.

How often are you getting them?

Uh...

I'd rather not say.

Why?

It's none of your business, Derek!

She gets them twice a month.

♪ Yeah, we know ♪ ♪ Even if we had so far to go ♪ ♪ Even if the pace is slow ♪ ♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again ♪ ♪ If we find ♪ ♪ Something to feel that we belong ♪ ♪ If we could right all the wrongs ♪ ♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again.

♪ Have you finished it yet?

No.

It's just a dating profile.

Stop overthinking it.

I'm not.

It's just, what I post on here could determine whether or not I die alone.

Yeah, that's not overthinking it.

I'm not as fast as you, OK?

Did you even spellcheck yours?

No.

And I'm just doing this as support for you, remember?

And a few typos reflects my freewheelin' attitude.

OK, under 'hobbies', should I put which video games I like, or just put 'video games'?

I don't get why you can't just ask out the pharmacist.

Because I can't have an awkward relationship with the town doctor AND the pharmacist.

I'll have to move or get a medical degree if things go badly.

Well, our soul mates could be matching with other people right now because you're taking too long.

Yeah, OK, I'm posting it.

Ooh!

Post us both at the same time.

OK, but you do need to put a password on this.

If you read my profile, you would know that I live on the edge, baby!

OK, are you ready for us to find the love of our lives?

You mean 'loves'.

We don't want it to be the same person.

Good catch.

On three.

Both: One, two, three!

[Phones chime]

Done.

Now what?

We wait, I guess.

Oh, sorry, Em, the house was back there.

Oh!

[Phone chimes]

Oh, I got a match!

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah, he looks OK.

[Phone chimes]

Yeah.

Oh, another one.

I'll just double-check I have notifications turned on.

I do.

Hmm.

[Phone chimes]

It'll happen, mate.

Oh!

Can you please have a quick look at the photos I chose?

Yeah, they're great.

One clear sh*t of your face, one with a rabbit, one with me so people know you're not a serial k*ller.

And your bio is...

"I'm fun, adventurous and up for whatever." You forgot to write "liar"!

I am fun, adventurous and up for whatever.

You are not adventurous.

You're the opposite of adventurous.

You're un-venturous.

Well, that's your opinion.

Hey, why is this guy so important again?

Mum sold his house.

Just said he was a very important client.

Man: Yes?

Uh, hi.

Are you Henry?

I'm Emma.

This is Daniel.

We're from McCallum Real Estate.

Where's Barbara?

Barbara sends her apologies that she couldn't be here.

I asked specifically for Barbara.

Yes, and she told us how important you are to McCallum Real Estate, so she sent her two best staff members in her place.

Close the door behind you.

[Sighs]

[Phone chimes]

It's mine.

Oh!

sh1t!

Henry, first of all, it's lovely to meet you.

Mum speaks very highly of you and has said whatever you need, we're here to help.

Well, for starters, whenever it's windy, the chimney makes a very unpleasant noise.

What sort of noise?

The only thing you need to know is I don't like it.

"Doesn't like it." Uh, OK.

We'll...

we'll look into it.

Good.

Also, I think someone's been swimming in my pool when I go to work at night.

Your pool?

How do you know?

Sometimes the pool cover's a bit...

skew-whiff.

Well, that is a...

very serious concern.

Yep.

What can you do about it?

Uh, well, if you catch anyone trespassing, I guess you can call the police.

I've told you, I work nights.

I'm never here to see them.

Is it really that big a deal, though?

It's not like they can use up the pool.

Or break it, right?

Would you want to have a bath in someone else's water?

No.

Exactly.

Oh, I want you to find out what kind of grass was originally planted in the yard.

Grows too fast.

I feel like I'm mowing it every bloody day!

I mean, it definitely grows faster than my neighbour's.

I mean, he barely mows his once a month.

[Sighs]

Still no matches.

Is it possible I got so many, it glitched?

Look, I'm sure...

[Phone chimes]

How many matches have you got now?

A few.

Have you booked in any dates?

No.

I don't know which one.

They all seem fine, I guess.

Well, as someone who's currently got no matches, just pick one.

I don't know how to pick, alright?

Everyone I've picked in the past has gone wrong and it takes ages to find out that they're wrong, and I don't know!

Oh, I'm sorry so many people find you attractive.

Thank you.

[Door opens]

So, Mum, Henry is one of our most important clients, is he?

What was it this time?

Birds flying lower than usual?

Uh, amongst other things, the grass grows too fast, the letterbox is too sharp...

Yeah, did you just palm him off on us so you didn't have to deal with him?

Not every client is easy to handle.

It's a useful lesson.

I already knew that.

Yeah, well, I didn't feel like dealing with him.

Well, you could have warned us.

I tell you what.

I'll buy you both a drink tonight.

You...

want to have a drink...

with us?

It's happening!

I said I'd buy you both one, not drink it with you.

I'm playing darts with the RLA at the pub tonight.

What?

OK, so, I'm on the dating apps...

This isn't work-related, is it?

It is not.

Go on.

You're great at getting a read on people.

You have to be to be such a good salesperson.

What's your point?

If I was on a date at the pub tonight, would you come over and meet them and then...

tell me what you think?

I'm not a relationship expert.

Please?

It won't be weird.

I would just love for you to meet the guy and tell me if you get any kind of vibe.

You might see something that I don't.

And you're gonna be at the pub anyway.

If you happen to introduce me to someone tonight, I'll meet them.

Oh, my God!

Thank you so much!

Seriously, this means a lot.

Em, I got a match!

Oh, that's great!

Thanks again!

I don't suppose you both could do some work when you get a chance?

I will, Mum, as soon as I've found you a daughter-in-law.

[Gasps]

Oh, my God!

She's a real human lady!

Yeah, I know!

[Emma screams]

Mate, relax.

You got this.

This is so stressful.

I don't know how so many people are in relationships.

OK, it's my turn to write back again.

OK, what's the conversation been so far?

Um, I've said, "Hi," and she said...

"Hi." What next?

OK, well, you don't want to sound desperate.

I am desperate.

She's my only match.

Do not write that.

[Phone chimes]

Did you just get another one?

Uh...

possibly.

Ugh!

Um, did she list any hobbies or anything?

[Sighs]

Uh...

Hiking.

Swimming.

Riding horses.

Anything outdoors.

Man, she is not your type.

Anyone who matches with me is my type.

OK, how about, um...

"I went for...

a beautiful...

walk this morning.

How...

about you?" [Sends message]

A beautiful walk to your car?

I really enjoyed it.

[Phone chimes]

Oh, here we go.

"I had a nice walk too.

I'm travelling through Tassie for a couple of days." Ooh...

What?

"Travelling through".

She's probably not interested in a relationship.

That's fine.

I'm up for...

whatever.

Excuse me?

What happened to finding Barbara a daughter-in-law?

Well, we can at least go on a date, even if it's only for a...

short amount of time.

What are you suggesting?

Can you please just help me have a one-night stand with this person?!

Sorry, that came out wrong.

Gross.

It's not.

People do those.

You've had a one-night stand before.

I've had heaps.

But not on purpose.

I'm sorry, can you please just help?

How about...

"What brings you to this part of the world?" Oh, that's great!

Thank you!

Done.

OK, we have dots.

She's typing!

And they're gone.

And they're back.

And they're gone.

This is t*rture.

Just put your phone down.

It'll beep when...

[Phone chimes]

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

"Just on a whim, actually." Now what?

I can't have your whole conversation.

She'll want to date me.

[Sighs]

"That's so cool.

I love...

taking off and seeing what...

life...

throws...

at me." [Sends message]

Ugh!

What?

Maybe she'll be the person that unlocks that part of me.

[Phone chimes]

[Thumps]

Hey!

Put your bloody phones on silent!

It sounds like a fairy concert in here!

[Quietly]

We have dots!

Emma: Thanks, Dave.

I can't remember the last time I was this nervous.

She's driven 60 kilometres to have a drink with me.

You're worth it.

What if she sees me and goes, "Nah"?

She already knows what you look like.

Maybe I should have worn one of my outfits from my photos.

At least I know she definitely likes those clothes.

Mate.

You got this.

OK.

How are you feeling?

Excited.

Excited?

Are you seriously gonna introduce your date to Mum?

Yep.

Oh, I'm on.

What?

Where?

That is...

Thomas.

Bye.

Have fun.

Good luck.

Hey.

Hi!

Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh.

Oh.

Thanks for the drink.

No worries.

Uh, I got us a spot near the dartboard.

Not too close, don't worry.

Oh, good.

Sorry, it was a bit hard to get out of work.

I just had two people leave and now I'm covering their loads until, you know, they're replaced and...

All good.

So, do you want kids?

Wow.

I was gonna say, "Buy me a drink first," but you already have.

Oh!

You are able to pass on any of the questions, by the way.

Up to a limit of three.

Don't worry, they're not all hard.

Oh, OK.

Good.

So, how many times a week should a couple do it?

Woman: Daniel?

Farrah.

Hi.

Hey.

Sorry, I couldn't find the place and I ran out of reception.

Oh, it's OK.

It's patchy out here.

Um, can I get you a drink?

Uh, yeah.

I would love a water, please.

Ooh!

I might have to try it myself.

I've heard good things.

Oh, there's two seats by the fire.

I'll grab 'em.

Great.

If it's all the same to you, I don't really want to talk about who I voted for.

Yeah, but you don't have any passes left, since you used your last one.

Well, that wasn't really a pass.

I just didn't know how to answer, "What's your major malfunction?" Well, by telling me what your major malfunction...

Barbara!

Come here.

This is my friend's mum.

Barbara, this is Thomas.

Nice to meet you.

Lovely to meet you.

So, what do you do with yourself?

Um, I work at a superannuation firm.

Enjoy it?

Not really.

How long have you been at it for?

Uh, seven years.

Long time to be doing something you don't enjoy.

Well, you know, everybody's working for the weekend.

Mmm.

I'm sorry, you're Emma's mum?

Friend's mum.

That reminds me - how's your relationship with your mother?

So, do you have a favourite hiking spot?

Uh, mostly local stuff.

The trails don't really have names.

Oh.

Can you show me on Google Maps?

Oh, I, um, mostly know it by feel when I'm out there.

Oh, yeah.

I get that.

What size backpack do you normally take?

I've been thinking of upgrading from my 28-litre.

Um...

So, what do you think?

Of Thomas?

First impressions?

I'd probably give him a rental.

Right.

Good handshake.

Oh.

There's the next one.

What do you mean, next one?

Did I not mention I have a few dates tonight?

What?!

I wasn't sure you'd agree to do this again, which you have agreed to do, and there were a bunch of guys.

I've scheduled it.

45 minutes each.

We'll fly through 'em.

Back soon.

Hi.

Yeah, I think I'd rather be swimming with the sharks instead of just being stuck in a cage while one bangs up against it.

Oh, yeah, because then it feels like you're coexisting with another creature rather than mocking it.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So, any nightmare dating stories?

Uh...

I keep matching with these guys that are nothing like their profiles.

You mean their photos, or...?

Oh, yeah, but not just that.

All sorts of things.

Like hobbies, interests.

I mean, why would you do that?

M-me?

No.

No, just in general.

Oh.

Uh, well...

yeah, just insecure, I guess.

Yeah.

You know, it's funny you mentioned swimming, because you know what I've been looking for since I came here?

I don't think Rosehaven has any sharks.

[Laughs]

No, no, no, no.

A spot to go night swimming.

Right.

There's something about swimming under the stars that I just find, well...

magical.

I don't suppose you've come across any good spots?

Um...

I really don't like the term 'motivational speaker'.

I'm more of a...

life-developer.

Right.

For example, there must be areas of your life you're not happy with?

I have to get quite close to the television for the remote to work.

Right.

Uh...

I'm back.

Thanks for holding the fort, Barbara.

I'll talk to you soon.

Great.

Good luck.

So, you always introduce your boss to your dates and then disappear?

No, this is new.

Sorry, was that awkward?

A little.

But I guess all dates are for the first hour or so.

In my course on transformative relationships, I believe it's the two-hour mark where people really start to open up.

The trust threshold, I call it.

Oh.

Shame we've only got 45 minutes, then.

What?

I said in my message.

I've got other dates tonight.

45 minutes each.

I thought you were kidding.

I wasn't.

45 minutes of my company it is.

Impress me now or never.

Well, that's quite rude.

I mean, how do you think that makes me feel?

Maybe I take time to open up.

I know it's a bit weird, but this way, we waste as little of each other's time as possible.

So, how many exes do you have, and are any of them still in love with you?

Yeah, I think you might have already wasted my time.

Oh.

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way...

Dale.

And he just lets you use it whenever you want?

Yeah, yeah.

Henry's a mate.

And he works nights, so it's fine.

As long as everything's back in its original spot when we leave.

Oh, this is perfect!

Yeah, nice night for it.

Oh - and it's heated!

Oh, thank God.

Shall we get in?

Uh, I'm...

I'm happy just being here.

There's no way I'm getting in alone.

Come on!

Sure.

[Laughs]

Come on!

It's beautiful!

Oh, God!

Oh, this is amazing!

It feels good, right?

Oh, it feels real good.

So, these days, I mostly, um, paint stuff on the side of caravans.

Oh, that's cool.

You're like a cara-Van Gogh.

I usually use a combination of brushes, rollers and spray paint.

I don't really have a favourite colour, but I guess I do tend to run out of green a lot, so in terms of just pure usage, you might say that...

that green is a favourite.

Right.

Um, this one guy asked me to paint a fake window on the side, so when you look in, it's like you're looking into the caravan, but it's not real inside, it's...

Pretend inside.

Yeah.

Got it.

Barbara!

This is...

Rob.

Hello.

Hi.

Rob's an artist.

Oh.

What sort?

I paint stuff on caravans.

Thought you got arrested for doing that.

Oh, I get paid.

Right.

OK.

Nice to see you, Barbara.

I'll leave you to it.

Bye.

She reminds me of someone.

Is it you?

You're both very comfortable in a pause.

I don't know how you stand it.

OK, we're almost out of time and we haven't gotten through...

Oh!

My fifth-grade teacher!

She reminds me of my grade five teacher.

OK, well, cool, but...

on the clock, so, how about we'll say, real quick, very important things about ourselves?

I hate all forms of banana except bread, cake and lolly.

And I want to go to Perth one day.

You go.

OK.

Um...

well, I've never really travelled much.

Um..

Oh, I have been to, um...

Bali.

France.

No.

Gonna have to hurry you.

Jail.

OK, I have so many follow-up questions.

But we're out of time.

Dammit!

Is that the same technique you're gonna use when you swim with sharks?

Oh, just trying to conserve energy so I can stay out here as long as possible.

I cannot believe we went from one drink to swimming.

Wherever the night takes me, I go.

[Giggles]

Henry: Well, well, well!

Henry.

Um, what are you...

what are you doing here?

Took the night off.

I never suspected it would have been you.

Henry, this is not what it looks like.

I mean, it is, but this is a once-off, I swear.

What's going on?

I'm calling the police.

And then I'm calling your mother.

Oh, please, please don't.

This'll never happen again.

It's just, I only got one match and Emma got heaps of matches and I just really wanted to make a good impression on Farrah...

I might, uh, leave you guys to it.

Um, Farrah, can I...

can I call you?

No!

How dare you?!

Now I know why people say you can't trust real estate agents.

I should have you barred or...

disbanded or whatever it is in your crooked industry.

You're a disgrace!

And you still haven't done anything about the grass!

Barbara, there you are!

Oh, you're kidding me!

You didn't get a chance to meet Ryan.

He's about to leave.

Oh.

Uh, I don't have to go...

This is Barbara.

Hi.

Hi.

You playing darts?

Trying to.

Cool.

Well, I'm gonna have to leave it there, I'm afraid.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, you don't want to get another drink?

Oh, look, honestly, it's just the end of a really long night and there's just not much left in the t*nk personality-wise.

Oh.

Well, you seem fine.

Oh!

Well, you should have seen me at the beginning of the night.

Way better.

You just still seem quite peppy, that's all.

No, this is, like, a two.

Do you need a taxi?

I walked.

OK.

So, I'll...

Walk.

OK.

All the best, everyone.

OK.

I'll...

just walk off...

home.

Alright.

Thoughts?

I don't want to date any of them.

For me.

Who would you pick for me?

Oh, so, you're gonna try and have a relationship with whoever I choose?

Yep.

OK.

The life-developer.

Or whatever he called himself.

Dale?

Yeah, he's the one for you.

Are you sure?

You asked for my opinion.

Yeah.

Well, he's the one I like.

But he was kinda mean and didn't like me.

But that doesn't matter.

If you want to follow my advice, you should ask him out for another date.

But...

Call him.

No!

Why not?

Because I don't want to.

Then don't.

It's good you value my opinion, but you've got to trust your gut.

What if my gut doesn't know what's good for me?

Then you'll be like the rest of us and get it wrong most of the time until you get it right.

When did you...

stop...

I mean...

do you...

still...

Let me make this very clear.

This is the one time I'm gonna let you ask me about my love-life.

Oh, my God.

Do you prefer good legs or good arms?

No, not that.

I'm panicking.

OK.

Do you want to meet someone?

I'm not looking, no, but...

if...

Holy sh1t!

OK, that's enough.

I don't always get it right either.

I was wrong about you.

What was your first vibe about me?

Actually, don't tell me.

It'll make me feel bad.

It will.

Hey.

Hey.

What happened to you last night?

Barbara and I kept drinking at her place.

We didn't come here because her wine is better and I didn't want to cramp your style.

Well...

I saw you leave together.

So, she liked the you you were pretending to be, then?

We went night swimming.

Jesus sh1t!

Skinny-dipping?!

Maybe you ARE up for whatever.

Undies on, in Henry's pool.

You swam in Henry's pool?!

Yep.

Until he caught us.

I, uh, had to convince him not to call Greg and Mum on me.

He agreed as long as I fix all the issues at his house.

Good luck with the chimney noise.

Farrah left as he was yelling at me.

Sorry, mate.

Oh, it's fine.

We didn't really have anything in common.

Well, not with actual me, anyway.

Well, der!

Daniel?

Where are the spare towels?

Uh, bathroom, bottom cupboard.

Oh, hey.

Is the ulcer cream working OK?

The what?

[Clears throat]

The...

Oh, yes, it is.

Thanks.

I'm gonna jump in the shower.

Yeah, no worries.

[Door closes]

What?!

After Henry had finished his rant, I went back to the pub to see if you were still there and saw Amy there instead.

In wet undies?

Commando.

Eww!

Do you want to hear the story or not?

Yes!

Then what?

Well, I was completely honest, I told her everything that had happened, and we just hit it off.

Not about the ulcer cream, though.

Well, I told her the chlorine in Henry's pool made my eczema flare up.

There's only so much I can share in one sitting.

OK, but how did it happen exactly?

It just happened.

She doesn't want anything serious, which is fine.

As you know, I am up for whatever.

Well...

congratulations.

And also, yuck.

Thank you.

How did your dates go?

No night swimming.

Any second-date-worthy?

I don't think so.

Sorry, mate.

Thanks for the dating advice, by the way.

I wish I'd followed it sooner.

Yeah, it's fine.

I'm gonna go watch TV.

Oh, maybe don't sit on the couch until I wash the covers.

[Shrieks]

Gross!

Knock-knock.

I've been working at the op shop for a while now and I was considering...

giving something else a sh*t.

You want to sleep with Amy again, don't you?

Or go on a date.

Or several dates.

Arggh!

Amy.

What are you doing here?

I mean...

great to see you.

There's a painting in my room.

It gives me the creeps.

It's...

Horrible.

We should burn it immediately.

We're not getting a new couch.

The covers are clean.

Not enough.

Anyway, continue.

We were walking home and I said, "Do you want to come back to mine for a drink?" And what did she say?

"Yes." Or, "Sounds good." I can't remember.

Ugh!

You know what?

I'm just gonna make it up.

You said, "Do you want to see my PJs?" and she said, "Looks like you're gonna cry if I say no," and then you came back here and didn't kiss because of your breath.

I can show you the tape if you like.

The what?!

I'm kidding!

You pervert!

You're a pervert.

You are, Captain Pervert!

Dr Pervert.

What?!