Ocean's 8 (2018)

[bunniefuu]

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

PAROLE BOARD OFFICER: Good afternoon, Miss Ocean.

Hi.

As you know, parole is a privilege.

And one of the restrictions on any parolee, is to avoid the company of any person who has a criminal record of any kind.

That would include most of your extended family.

Yeah, that's obviously not something I'm proud of.

Would this pose an impossible challenge for you?

No. No.

I don't want that life. I never wanted that life.

My brother, um...

May he rest in peace, was a criminal.

I loved him, but he was a conman.

It was in his blood.

And it's not in your blood? No.

No, sir.

Um...

I fell for the wrong person.

It was a mistake.

Uh...

But it happened.

And if I were to be released, I would, um...

Sorry.

(VOICE BREAKING) Wow, just saying that...

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

If I were to be released, (CLEARS THROAT)

I would just want the simple life.

I just wanna hold down a job, make some friends, go for a walk after work in the fresh air and pay my bills.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT ON PA)

Simple life?

Nice one.

Heard about that? Who didn't?

I had five years to rehearse it.

Here's your stuff. Thank you.

DINA: Nice watch.

DEBBIE: It's my brother's. DINA: Left it to you?

I stole it.

It's fine, Dina. He stole it, too.

So we're still gonna get a regular shipment next week.

You take your cut, plus a few extra cartons, okay?

I want you to trade 'em, not smoke 'em.

DINA: So where you going?

DEBBIE: Well, I have 45 bucks, Dina.

I can go anywhere I want.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hi, I'd like to return these.

Oh, of course. Do you have your receipt?

No, but they're unopened. They haven't been touched.

I really need your receipt.

They are sealed. They are brand new.

(SIGHS) Do you have the credit card that you used?

This is ridiculous! I bought these last week.

Ma'am, you can try client services on the sixth floor.

You know what? Never mind. I'll just keep 'em.

Jesus.

Can I at least get a bag?

Sure.

Thank you.

Hi. I'm checking out of room 2814. Gary Randall.

Did you have a pleasant stay? Terrific.

My name is Monica.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

Or arrange transportation?

GARY: I think we're all set.

DEBBIE: Hi, this is Mrs. Randall.

We just checked out of room 2814.

May I speak with Monica, please?

This is she. Hi, Monica.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, we just found out our flight was canceled.

Oh, no! I know, I know.

And instead of staying in some horrible airport hotel, we were hoping that maybe we could get our original room back?

Yeah, we can give you that same room back.

That would be amazing! Thank you so much!

Um, we're just gonna go grab a bite.

Would it be possible to get the maid in there now?

MONICA: Yes, absolutely.

DEBBIE: Perfect. We really appreciate it.

MONICA: It's not a problem.

DEBBIE: Thank you so much. We'll see you soon.

DEBBIE: Hi.

I'm so sorry. Can you finish up later?

I just have to get off my feet.

Of course. Thank you so much.

Have a great day. You, too!

Bye-bye.

(SIGHS)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

JUDGE JUDY: (ON TV) And he did not move in!

And he wants his money back.

And he gets his money back.

If you said no, does that mean you didn't take the money?

What crate are you on?

APRIL: 15.

JUDGE JUDY: Listen.

You think I like you? You think I believe you?

You think I trust anything that you're saying?

The answer is absolutely not.

Guys, it's 9:30.

(JUDGE JUDY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

It's too much. It's too much.

It's three fingers from the top.

Not one, it's three.

It's a rerun, April.

She slept with her cousin, crashed the car.

The baby's not his.

What's that taste like?

(EXHALES) Vodka.

Vodka. Exactly. But I don't want vodka.

I want vodka and water.

And do you wanna know why? Uh, sure.

'Cause when you're drunk, it tastes like vodka.

Right. BOTH: Right.

I don't care!

(LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

LOU: Oh, missed you, too.

You better be in there.

(MAN COUGHING)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

I know you're there, Reuben.

You can come on out.

I was just paying my respects.

From around the corner?

What are you doing here?

They thought I'd be the best one to talk to you.

Hmm. Gotta go.

He didn't want you to do this, Deborah.

Do what?

Whatever it is he wouldn't tell us you're gonna do.

Look, Deb. Mmm.

Sometimes, just knowing the job will work is satisfaction enough.

You don't actually gotta do it.

What else did he say?

He said it was brilliant. Oh, okay.

And that you would probably end up back in prison.

I'm not gonna end up back in prison.

Okay?

(CAR HORN HONKING)

(SOFTLY) I gotta go.

Be careful.

You're looking sharp.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

LOU: Mmm! Hey, hey! Take it easy.

Been in the slammer.

Oh, I just thought you changed your number.

DEBBIE: Did you get the credit line?

Not yet. Why not?

Because I don't know what it's for.

(SOFTLY) Oh, my God!

LOU: Don't do that.

Do what? (SIGHING)

That would be my "I've just been in jail for five years, "and my partner lets me down" face.

Hey, I'm not your partner. Yet.

DEBBIE: This is nice.

Chain-link, barb wire.

Brought you something.

Oh, um...

Can I exchange something you stole?

Well, if you're gonna have a problem with stealing, you're not gonna like the rest of this conversation.

What, we're gonna shoplift? Maybe.

No. See, this is what you do.

You make me guess and then, I'm interested.

Okay. And then you think because I'm interested, that I wanna do it.

Don't you wanna do things you're interested in?

I'm interested in brain surgery.

Well, we know that's not gonna happen.

(SIGHS) Whatever. You don't wanna tell me...

(SIGHS) It's jewels.

Spectacular, great, big, blingy, big old Liz Taylor jewels, that are locked in a vault 50 feet underground.

How do we get them out of the vault?

They're gonna bring 'em to us.

Oh, bugger!

(DOOR CLOSES) Oh.

Nice place.

LOU: Try heating it.

There's a room for you upstairs.

Your stuff's upstairs, too.

You know, I borrowed some sh*t.

Figured you weren't using it.

(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

CARA: So, is this your gallery?

Yeah, one of them. Hmm.

Where are the others?

Well, I'm opening one in London.

Got plans for another one in Tokyo.

We're talking about LA, but I'm not sure that makes sense.

It's all a bit derivative out there, you know?

(CHUCKLES) So this is the only one that exists?

Well... Physically.

Excuse me one second.

Sorry. Sorry.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.

I was meaning to call you.

Jesus, it's great to see you. You look...

Recently incarcerated?

Wonderful. You look wonderful.

(CLAUDE GRUNTS) Do you know what a shiv is?

Okay, stop. Just stop.

Oh, such a nice face.

You know, inside, you're what we call a pretty girl.

I'll call the police. Okay.

Do you know what we do with snitches?

LOU: He saw you? DEBBIE: Oh, yeah.

LOU: Why would you do something like that?

Closure?

Bullshit!

Jesus!

(DEBBIE CHUCKLES)

So did you...

No.

Just a little button.

(LAUGHING)

DEBBIE: So at first, I thought banks. 'Cause you know...

LOU: That's where they have money?

DEBBIE: Exactly. But that's kind of boring.

So then I thought ten banks.

Then I realized that would be maybe coming from an angry place so...

LOU: Good you realized that.

DEBBIE: Yes. Then I couldn't even hear myself think.

You know, five women in one cell.

So I got myself thrown in solitary for a little peace and quiet, and that's where I finally came up with it.

It's still a museum. So?

So, it's not like robbing a liquor store.

(SPEAKING WITH MOUTH FULL)

I'm sorry, I don't speak Ukrainian.

I said, "We're not robbing a museum."

We're robbing someone in a museum.

In a museum.

Yeah, you mentioned.

Look.

Even if this was possible... It is possible.

Even if it was, we'd need, like, 20 people and half a million dollars.

Seven.

Seven million?

Seven people and 20 grand.

Why do you need to do this?

Because it's what I'm good at.

Uh, yeah.

You know what?

I have run this thing a thousand times.

Every time I got caught, I fixed it.

And in three years, I wasn't getting caught anymore.

By the time I was paroled, it was running like clockwork.

Perfectly.

And you were there with me, every step of the way.

Oh, honey, is this a proposal?

Baby, I don't have a diamond yet.

Come on. Do you really wanna spend the rest of your life watering down well vodka?

Because it's really kind of a waste.

Come on. Take a bite.

(SOFTLY) Just take a bite.

You're really irritating. Open.

That's good.

Very good.

DEBBIE: So each year they host the biggest party in the world.

And they always get a huge celebrity to host.

This year, it's Daphne Kluger.

LOU: Wow! (CAMERAS CLICKING)

DEBBIE: Yeah. But she's not our mark.

LOU: So who's the mark?

All right, who wants to go first?

Yes.

Do you know who you're wearing?

Uh, ooh...

La Perla. It's black.

(CHUCKLES) No, I mean who's dressing you?

DAPHNE: I don't really know yet.

The designer.

I don't know yet.

But as soon as I do, you'll be the very first person that I tell.

Uh, next question?

LOU: All right, we need a designer.

DEBBIE: Exactly!

LOU: Now a lot of these we could target.

But Anna won't approve them, and Anna has to approve everything.

DEBBIE: I know.

LOU: There's a few less-established choices, but they're not gonna give us the juice we need.

So...

DEBBIE: Rose Weil. Why do I know that name?

Well, she was big, in the '90s.

Oh, God, all the Edwardian collars and the ruffles.

Travesty. But Anna still likes her.

They do Easter together every year in Kent.

Brits? Irish.

And she owes the IRS $5 million.

LOU: It's bad.

There's a lien on her assets, they've impounded her passport.

The bank seized her townhouse.

DEBBIE: She sounds amazing.

LOU: Yeah.

I think we got lucky.

She gambled everything on this.

DEBBIE: This is a flight to nowhere without any peanuts.

LOU: Self-financed. Credit from an Omaha bank.

Those guys over there?

The only ones who'll still loan her money.

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION) They look a little worried.

LOU: Yeah, who can blame them? This is a train wreck.

(GAGGING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Congratulations.

Who are you?

Big fans.

Very big. Oh.

LOU: That was... DEBBIE: Just...

Gorgeous. Mmm-hmm.

No, it wasn't.

It was a disaster.

I think you're being kind of hard on yourself.

DEBBIE: Very.

Did you read this?

It's by a blogger.

DEBBIE: Mmm.

ROSE: "Rose Weil.

"Her new collection is like taking a tour

"of your grandmother's closet.

"Just as dated, and just as musty.

"The Eskimo shove their elders out on an ice floe.

"Just saying."

That's very cruel.

But it doesn't make it true.

Mmm.

How did I get here?

You spent $18 million in two years and had two houseboats on the Seine.

I'm old.

Hey, you're not old.

(SOBBING) I'm old, and I'm going to prison.

Then I'm going to be really, really poor.

Not necessarily.

What if we could make all this go away?

Even get your passport back.

How?

Dress Daphne Kluger for the Met Ball.

LOU: Mmm.

Are you mad?

DEBBIE: Mmm-mmm.

ROSE: No, hang on a minute.

Are you journalists?

Absolutely not. God, no.

Uh-uh.

Hmm. She seems sort of tense. Can be.

Good body. Good boobs. Huge features.

Eyes like Bambi.

Yeah. She can take quite a lot.

Maybe we could give her... Maybe...

Maybe we could give her this.

God, no. Not chic. We can do better than that.

It's called the Toussaint.

Named for Jeanne Toussaint, Cartier's director of jewelry from '33 to '68.

It's over six pounds of diamonds.

Right.

After she d*ed, they sold it back to Cartier, and they've kept it in their vault ever since.

They've never let it out. ROSE: Mmm-hmm.

So then, how are we gonna get it out?

Well, they might let it out for her.

The theme of this year's ball is European royalty... (GASPS)

...of which the crown jewels are a featured element.

So, if you were to insist on the Toussaint on behalf of Daphne Kluger...

(WHISPERS) Must be worth quite a lot.

DEBBIE: Yeah.

These are all Russians. They're hackers.

Are there no hackers who aren't Russian?

No, there's barely any Russians who aren't hackers.

Just keep looking, please. Sure.

(AMITA SPEAKING HINDI)

(AMITA'S MOTHER SPEAKING HINDI)

(IN ENGLISH) Okay.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Sorry about Danny.

Sorry about your pops.

So, what are you doing here?

I might have something for you.

A job.

You wanna run some stuff through the store?

No, thank you.

A little more than that.

How long would it take you to make seven pieces of jewelry, if the stones were already cut?

Probably five or six hours.

How long if I told you you didn't have to live with your mother anymore?

Less.

I'm never taking the F-train again.

(LOU SHUSHING)

She's in.

DEBBIE: She is in where?

This what you talking about? Bunch of vases.

LOU: Yeah, that's the Egyptian wing.

She's in the Met?

Security cameras.

There's a lot of 'em.

My name's Debbie.

Nine Ball. What's your real name?

Eight Ball.

We use real names around here.

Could I talk to you for a minute?

I asked you to get me a hacker.

She is one of the best hackers on the East Coast.

Oh, I'm honored... She has other clients.

They don't know her real name either.

I'm sorry, "other clients"?

Now? Yeah.

Did you tell her what her cut was?

Of course. And?

(WHISPERING) Look. She's smoking!

So, Nine Ball.

Uh, do I call you Nine Ball? Nine...

Or Baller.

Baller? Okay. Okay.

Uh-oh.

You know your footprint is a disaster, right?

I'm sorry, what? Your footprint.

My footprint? Yes, ma'am.

If you're planning to steal sh*t, you definitely got to clean this up, 'cause right now, my little sister could hack you.

Oh, right. 'Cause we had this guy...

(BEEPS) (POWERING UP)

Gotcha.

We'll clean that up.

Can I ask where we're going? You'll see in a minute.

Right, we're going to meet Doris Kluger... Daphne.

Daphne. Someone even more famous.

LOU: Someone who makes Daphne Kluger jealous.

ROSE: Jealous? LOU: Hmm.

DEBBIE: In a minute, we're gonna stand up.

She's gonna sit down.

You'll recognize her. Just be cool.

LOU: Aloof. But kind.

But not too kind. Yeah.

You're sweating.

Yeah, look, I sweat. Don't.

On her left hand is a tattoo.

I want you to take it, admire it, but make physical contact, and that's when we'll get it.

"It"? What's "it"?

(NECK CRACKING)

Hi. Wow.

Oh, I know you!

Yes, I know you. I've seen you. I've seen you in things.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

No, you're good. Oh, thank you.

You're really good. Yeah. Thank you.

Well, I just really wanted to say, "Thank you."

Thank you?

For helping us with the feline rescue project.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

DAPHNE: Penelope Stern?

Is she even old enough to go to the Met Ball?

(SCOFFS) Apparently.

Who cares who's dressing her anyway?

Uh, I think Page Six.

I never met with Rose Weil. You said I met with everybody.

You said she was a relic. I meant iconic.

Do you want me to set up a meeting?

(MIMICS MOCKINGLY)

Yes! Okay.

ROSE: I watched one of her films last night.

She's actually really good.

LOU: Whatever you do, don't fawn.

DEBBIE: Just ignore her.

LOU: Indifference, it's an aphrodisiac.

DEBBIE: Very little eye contact.

Rose. Oh.

Daphne. Miss Kluger. Finally. (CHUCKLES)

So, thank you so much for meeting me so last minute.

I am such an admirer of yours. I have so many of your pieces.

Really? Yeah.

So, this search... It has not been easy.

And everything we've seen, you know, it's been great. ROSE: Mmm-hmm.

DAPHNE: But it's been tired and you seem different.

You know, like you're immune to judgment.

Like you're above all that.

I'm sorry, what?

What is going on?

Uh...

Oh, sorry. (PLATE CLANGS)

Um, what were you saying?

I'm trying to hire you for the Met Ball.

Great. Thank you. My honor.

Flattered.

Wait till you see.

This girl has some of the best hands I've ever seen.

Is this one sane?

Hundred percent.

All right, here's how we're playing.

Red is money, okay?

Really? Three-card Monte?

Follow the Queen, live your dream.

But don't sleep. Don't sleep.

'Cause she might disappear, you saw that?

It's lit, right?

She came back, though. She likes you.

All right, let's hit it. And we're following the Queen.

And we're following the Queen.

Is this our only choice?

The turnover in pickpockets is huge.

Where she at? Where that bitch at?

Where she at?

That one.

Wanna call a lifeline on that one?

No. That one. (TAPPING)

All right. That one is mine.

Come on, there's no hard feelings.

And you're a real one, you know? You know what I mean?

Yeah, come back any time.

Not bad. Yeah. I thought so.

Turkey and provolone, please. (MUSIC PLAYING)

So, I'm lifting one necklace.

LOU: It's a very nice necklace.

CONSTANCE: Uh, lettuce and tomato.

And this is legit, the money? Hundred percent.

Okay, I'm in. Great.

Uh, can I get my watch back, please?

Thank you. And hers as well.

No, I...

Sorry. It's okay.

DEBBIE: Who do we have, who do we have?

What about Ivy? No, still in jail.

Really? What about him?

Well, he's a him. So?

Don't want a him.

Because it's a him or because it's a "him"?

No, he's not a "him."

I barely know the guy. What's wrong with a him?

A him gets noticed, a her gets ignored, and for once, we wanna be ignored.

What about Tammy?

(DOG BARKING) (BALL BOUNCING LOUDLY)

Hey, buddy, can you do me a favor? Can you take that outside?

(LOUD BOUNCING CONTINUES)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(DOG CONTINUES BARKING)

Debbie, I am with my family.

I told you... I'm outside.

What? I'm in your garage.

(SIGHS)

(WHISPERS) Deb? DEBBIE: Hmm?

Deb, what are you doing here? I thought you were in jail.

Mmm. I got out.

Look at all this. Thought you retired?

I did.

Not as exciting as hijacking trucks that are smuggling dishwashers from Canada, right?

Yeah, well, I don't do that anymore.

But you were so very good at it.

Thank you. Yeah.

So these are all for personal use, right?

What do you want? Just wanna reconnect.

Oh, yeah? Mmm-hmm.

Reconnect? Mmm-hmm.

You're not bored out here, are you, Tam-Tam?

No, I'm not bored out here at all.

Good, good. No.

Why would you ask that? Because I need a fence.

Well, I told you I don't do that anymore. I'm out.

It's a big job. I don't care.

Do you want me to tell you how big a job it is?

No. No, I really don't.

I think I'm gonna tell you how big the job is.

(INAUDIBLE)

Are you kidding? No.

Mommy, when's dinner ready? (GASPS) sh*t!

Uh, sweetheart, I will be right there.

I'm so sorry. Mommy will be right there.

But I'm hungry! (INAUDIBLE)

I know, sweetheart, I promise, I will be right there.

(WHISPERING) Thanks a lot. She sounds sweet.

(TAMMY SIGHS)

How do you explain all this to your husband? eBay.

LOU: Okay, everybody. Let's get started.

We would like to present to you all with a hypothetical situation.

How hypothetical? Not very, unless we screw up.

$16.5 million in each of your bank accounts, five weeks from now. (ALL GASP)

(NINE BALL WHISTLES)

In three and a half weeks, the Met will be hosting its annual ball, celebrating its new costume exhibit, and we are going to rob it.

Not the ball itself, but a very important set of diamonds that will be attending the ball.

On the neck of Daphne Kluger.

Who Rose will be dressing.

The Toussaint? DEBBIE: Very good.

Once Daphne is inadvertently onboard, we can then get the necklace out of the Cartier vault, hack the Met security system, thank you, Nine Ball, and infiltrate the Gala, considered to be one of the most exclusive...

The most exclusive.

The most exclusive party invitation in America.

So go home, get your affairs in order, because tomorrow, we begin pulling off one of the biggest jewelry heists in history.

Where are you going? I'm going to the big city.

How long? Uh, not too long, I promise.

I'll be back before you know it.

What are you gonna do?

I am going to help my friend Debbie with her job.

What kind of job?

It's complicated. Can I come with you?

No, sweetie, this is Mommy's very special work trip.

DEBBIE: It is my account, it is my money, and the only reason I can't access it is because I cannot remember the make and model of my second cousin's first car.

So if you could just... (INHALES DEEPLY)

I don't wanna make a withdrawal, I would like to make a deposit.

Yes, I...

Hey, can I... (SHUSHING)

Exactly, yes. Yes, I'll hold. What's up?

Oh, hey, I was wondering if I can get a MetroCard, 'cause I'm skateboarding in from Queens every day.

Can I get a MetroCard?

(STAMMERS) I don't have a MetroCard.

You don't have a MetroCard?

I don't have a MetroCard.

What are you, a tourist?

(CHUCKLES)

You're fascinating.

You're gonna just throw me one dub for a MetroCard? That's it?

How about this? We steal $50 million, I'll buy everybody MetroCards. How's that?

Okay.

Is that your brother? Mmm-hmm.

He's hot. Mmm.

CONSTANCE: You sure he's dead or...

DEBBIE: No.

Yes, sweetie, Mommy is in her new job now.

Charlie, will you do me a favor?

Can you put that right there?

What, sweetheart?

Um, uh, well...

Mommy finds very special toys, and then she finds new homes for them.

Yes, exactly like your turtle. That is exactly right.

(WHISPERING) Thank you so much, Charlie, thank you.

Sweetheart, I have to go.

I just got a brand new toy for Debbie, and I can't wait to play with it.

(WHIRRING)

(POWERING DOWN)

Zirconium.

I like it. Yeah, I bet you do.

Unhand the man.

Thank you very much.

Here are your very special glasses.

If Rose can pull this off, and that is a very big "if", these glasses will scan the real necklace and send a digital print back to us here.

Once we have that, this thing will print a replica of the necklace in zirconium.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHISPERING) Where is it? These are not the Toussaint.

We thought you might want to see these first.

Right. What for?

There are certain logistical problems with that necklace.

We wouldn't even know how to insure it.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

All right.

(WHISPERING) "We were very clear on the phone."

Yes. We were very clear on the phone.

We are only interested in the Toussaint.

Yeah.

Well, then, that would have to be a much longer discussion.

That necklace is valued at over $150 million.

Well, I'm not really a numbers person.

It would require its own security team, a new insurance policy.

I'm sure you'll work out all those details.

(SCOFFS) Oh, it's not that simple.

I'm afraid the answer is no.

No?

No.

Look, can I be frank?

I have always loved Cartier.

I think, historically, this has been the most significant house in the world.

But there is whole generation out there who mispronounce your name.

French can be difficult.

(ROSE SPEAKING FRENCH)

Oui.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(AMITA INHALES SHARPLY)

Stop it. Stop, that doesn't help. Stop. Okay, all right. All right.

Mmm.

(COUGHS)

We're too far underground. Can't get a signal.

Very secure down here, huh?

Five feet of solid concrete.

You said you wanted to see it in the light.

You wanted to see the necklace in the light.

Right!

This is light.

No, no, no, she means real light. Natural light, yes.

The red carpet happens while the sun is still out.

Yes, no, I'm afraid that's vital. It's vital.

Mmm. No, I must have the sun.

She must have the sun.

How is this light, Ms. Weil? Um...

Yes, I think, yes, we have the sun.

Much better.

Mmm.

There it is! All right.

Hello, sexy.

TAMMY: Come on, come on.

Ms. Weil. Is she okay?

She's fine. ROSE: Hmm.

She needs to take it in.

This is her process.

TAMMY: It looks really good.

It's so clear. Yeah.

Come on.

No, okay. You gotta...

No. Yep.

If you are done, Ms. Weil... (SHUSHES)

...we'd like to... (GASPS)

...return this to the vault.

Ms. Weil?

Ms. Weil.

ALL: Yes! (ALL WHOOPING)

I'm done.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Sweet.

Mmm-hmm.

(ROSE GASPS)

Oh, my God!

Well? I don't know.

Well, you don't know because this is only a muslin.

It's going to be pink, for a start.

I know it's going to be pink, but I don't know.

Yeah, I feel like it's the waist.

I feel, like, it's just... And then the bottom.

I don't know about the bottom.

ROSE: We can definitely change the hem.

It's the necklace. Oh, no.

It's not the necklace. It is the necklace.

It's just messy.

No, no, no, it's not messy.

It's messy 'cause it's safety pins.

No, you must remember the diamonds.

(BREATHING HEAVILY) It's gonna be diamonds.

(HYPERVENTILATING) I just feel like I look huge.

Hey, Daphne, come here. Come here. Come here.

Listen, deep breath... Deep breath.

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

Listen, look.

You've got one of the greatest necks in the world.

In fact, you've got the only neck that could carry this necklace off.

(STAMMERING) With your neck, this necklace...

You are gonna walk into that Met Gala, and you are gonna light up the sky.

Thank you. (INHALES DEEPLY)

You're welcome. (EXHALES DEEPLY)

If you like him, you go right, and if you don't...

I go left. Yeah, you go left.

So... Okay, that sounds easy.

So do you like him? Ooh. I like him a lot.

Okay, why?

AMITA: He looks kind.

I'm gonna swipe right.

CONSTANCE: Okay. All right. AMITA: Oh, my God!

So does that mean...

CONSTANCE: He liked you back! He likes you, too!

What happens now? What happens now?

So you can message him. Okay.

And you can say, maybe, like, the eggplant emoji, or maybe the girl that does this.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(COUGHING)

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Excuse me.

Can you help me with something?

I think I'm a little lost.

Of course, ma'am.

I feel like I'm going in circles.

I came from Egypt back there, and I'm trying to get to Oceana.

It's a little confusing.

You can go down the stairs to your right, or you can go back where you came from, right down there. Okay.

It might take a little bit longer.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

Excuse me, ma'am.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

REPORTER 1: (ON RADIO) Here's one for your morning commute.

Last night, political artist Banksy made a surprise contribution to the Met.

REPORTER 2: Our founding mothers appeared at the Met last night.

REPORTER 3: Traffic at 15 after the hour.

REPORTER 4: Your news, all the time.

DAVID: This is a major security breach.

How is this even possible?

He did it at the Tate, too.

So you're saying the system your company designed for our museum does nothing to prevent someone like Banksy...

Sir, we're a little more focused on keeping things in than keeping things out.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey! How about an "Excuse me"?

DAVID: Correct me if I'm wrong.

You and your company are responsible for monitoring and safeguarding...

Hey, want me to get the trash?

What? No.

You sure? 'Cause you got a lot here, buddy.

Fine. Just hurry it up.

DAVID: The museum's agreement with your father's company is very...

Generous. Specific.

Have a nice night.

DAVID: The board expects McCallister Security to live up to the letter of that agreement.

KYLE: (ON EARPIECE) We'll do a full audit of the system and update any part of it that needs to be changed.

DAVID: What does that mean?

KYLE: We'll go in and fix it. DAVID: When?

KYLE: Immediately.

DEBBIE: So, now that we've gotten them to make changes to their system, we can make changes, too, and not be detected.

Can you pull up the cameras?

They've got every inch of this place covered.

But here is not where we're gonna hit it.

We are gonna do it in a spot they don't even care about.

Nine Ball.

Now it's a New York State law that no cameras can be mounted in a public bathroom.

Apparently, it's a privacy violation.

Unless you're into that.

LOU: And once we get the Toussaint, we are gonna have to get it out of there without being detected, and they're gonna go over their security footage with a fine-tooth comb, and anyone seen exiting that bathroom is gonna be a suspect.

So...

So we get a mule.

Somebody else is gonna move it for us.

How much space do you need outside that bathroom to plant it on somebody?

I don't know. Nine feet?

And how long is it gonna take us to build a nine-foot blind spot?

Moving a camera? Mmm-hmm.

Bit by bit, 10, 12 days.

DEBBIE: Great.

How long did it take you to figure all this out?

Mmm...

Five years, eight months, and 12 days.

Give or take.

TAMMY: Cartier has hired the best private security in the world.

Guillermo DeVita led the pope's security for 10 years.

And as you know, they've never lost a pope.

DEBBIE: Mmm. Yuri Eshel, former Mossad and IDF Special Forces, elite commando unit.

I'm pretty sure they're assassins.

Well, it's a nice necklace. Yeah.

So you can go ahead and just add them to your list.

What list? That list.

It's not a list.

Okay. Who is he?

Hey, boo.

Oh, Paul.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

(GASPS) (MUSIC PLAYING)

You poor thing.

(CHUCKLING)

Look at that.

(GASPS)

Oh!

KYLE: We don't even know if it is Banksy.

It could be an imitator.

That's all you got?

Sweet!

RECEPTIONIST: Good afternoon. Vogue.

EADDY: Thank you for coming in so last minute.

TAMMY: Oh, of course. Thank you for having me.

I guess you heard, we lost one of our coordinators.

Yes, and that sounded awful.

Chiggers.

I know.

What are those anyway? It's like a mite, I think.

It burrows into the skin and lays its eggs inside.

And then they hatch and they dig their way out.

Apparently, it can last for weeks.

Well, you certainly seem qualified.

Thank you.

Maybe overqualified.

Well, how can anyone be overqualified?

This is the Met Gala after all.

Gala. Met Gala.

It's Gala. Gala.

Is it Gala?

Yeah. Okay.

TENNIS COMMENTATOR: (ON VIDEO) Roger Federer again one game away from another championship.

The love for Federer in this place is just incredible.

Anna.

Uh, yeah?

You have that interview for the Met staff position.

Do it, do it. Okay.

TENNIS COMMENTATOR: You cannot be serious!

A backhand down-the-line win!

We're really short on desk space, so you'll be down here.

This way.

Okay, so here is your desk. Thank you.

And Christina will get you started.

Great. Thank you so much.

Have a good day! Thanks!

Excuse me. Yes?

Was that the bathroom that we passed?

Oh, yes, just down the hall.

Thank you.

AMITA: This is unbelievable.

CONSTANCE: That's Leo?

Leo-Leo?

(WHISPERS) There's only one Leo.

Oh, my God! Taylor Swift!

You're so white!

Can't we just go to this? Do we have to steal stuff?

DEBBIE AND LOU: Yes!

Where is she? Table four, 10:00.

Straightest sh*t to the bathroom without putting her in Siberia.

There's a blank spot next to her.

It's for her date.

Who's her date?

I don't know.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi. Hi. I'm sorry to interrupt, but I've got the final guest list for the Chairman's Dinner.

Oh, great.

You have all their arrival times?

All their arrival times, including a few additional names at the bottom.

(CHUCKLES) Claude Becker?

TAMMY: His publicist was into it.

I barely had to ask.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hello.

They put me next to you.

Oh, lucky me.

Hello.

Claude Becker.

Daphne Kluger.

(CONVERSING IN FRENCH)

(DAPHNE CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

(WHISPERS) The ego has landed.

How did you ever fall for this schmuck?

Seriously?

Lou and I were going through a rough patch, and I really wanted a big score of my own.

So he roped you in?

Mmm. Not really.

What, told you the truth? (GRUNTS)

Only way to con a con, right?

BINGO MASTER: B1.

DEBBIE: Lou and I were rigging Bingo and running cheap cons at Roulette.

Lucky if we made $1,000 a night.

Bingo! ANNOUNCER: Bingo call.

DEBBIE: So a friend of mine set me up with this art dealer and we worked out a simple little hustle.

Claude Becker? Right through there.

Thank you.

Hi. I'm Debbie.

Claude Becker. Oh.

When somebody got interested in a piece, I'd pose as another buyer and drive up the price.

Money was good and he was great in the kitchen.

Oh, my God, it's so good.

One day he asked me to pose as the seller, not the buyer.

What did you do?

(SIGHS) Well...

One signature, half a million dollars.

DEBBIE: He said it was simple.

I'd hand them the documents, and they'd slide me a check.

The whole thing would take a couple minutes, tops.

Sorry we're late.

MAN: Not at all. WOMAN: It's okay.

MAN: Very nice to meet you. WOMAN: It's a pleasure.

It's a beautiful piece. Oh, we just love it!

DEBBIE: He was right. It all happened very quickly.

MAN: You have a right to an attorney.

If you cannot afford an attorney...

CLAUDE: It wasn't my painting. She brought the picture to me.

She had documentation, signatures.

And you two were dating?

What?

Not saying a word.

DETECTIVE MORRIS: Are you sure?

'Cause he's not being quite as tight-lipped as you are.

Are these your signatures?

Yeah, I will testify.

I was defrauded too, right?

I'll be right outside.

(DOOR CLOSES)

LOU: Hey!

We need to talk.

You better tell me this is not what I think this is.

What? (EXHALES)

Claude Becker.

I didn't do that.

I'm not a croupier, okay?

Or a tourist with a bucket of quarters.

Don't con me.

You do not run a job in a job!

It's not going to matter.

We are going to get caught.

Stop it. We're not.

Why do you do this?

Why can't you just do a job?

Why does there always have to be an asterisk?

You frame him, I walk.

Stop.

This is just like last time.

DEBBIE: Lou. Lou!

Lou.

He sent me to jail!

You have no idea what that's like.

Yeah, well, he's gonna do it again.

No, he's not.

He's not.

Good. Switching cameras.

Walking towards the bathroom.

Okay, in the blind spot.

I'm gonna keep walking.

NINE BALL: Nothin'.

Nothin'.

Okay, you're right there.

(DEVICE BEEPS)

DEBBIE: 12 feet. Nice job!

Thank you, Nine Ball.

That easy. Don't mention it.

What's hard?

Hey. Oh, hi!

Sorry, listen, I know this really isn't any of my business...

No, go ahead.

It's just a little red flag here.

But this caterer doesn't have a nutritional specialist.

Okay. And we're running at 20% special meals.

Vegan, gluten-free, low sodium, lactose.

I had a client get sued.

Really? Yeah.

I don't think we should wing any of this stuff.

I think we are short a staff person.

We need a nutritionist.

I do know someone. EADDY: You do?

TAMMY: Yeah, and she's great.

She just moved here from Australia.

DEBBIE: Yes.

CONSTANCE: Okay. Go.

DEBBIE: Vendor, hallway, hallway.

Past the auditorium.

Hallway, hallway, hallway, entry.

Hi, hi! I'm so sorry I'm late. Traffic was horrible.

Okay...

Amita. Thank you.

Constance.

Nine Ball.

And Lou.

And Rose.

Thank you.

And Debbie. Thank you.

(EXHALES)

Hi, I'm Daphne Kluger, and this is your sneak peek of this year's Costume Institute.

This is Dolce and that's Galliano for Dior.

And that is McQueen. Wow.

And who's dressing you tomorrow?

Mmm. Rose Weil.

Interesting. I know.

I kind of thought it was an unexpected choice.

PAMELA: What's this over here?

DAPHNE: So these are the crown jewels from eight royal families of Europe.

Which is probably why there's a moat.

So we can't go over there? No. God, no.

I wish we could. Anyway...

Uh, they are on loan to us from Dmitri Very-Long-Russian-Last-Name that I can't pronounce.

We hear those aren't the only jewels that'll be on display.

Who told you? I have sources.

(LAUGHS) Well, since the cat's already out of the bag...

Yes, I will be wearing a necklace that Cartier has decided to loan me.

It's called the Toussaint, and it has been in a vault for 50 years.

And I'm (CLICKS TONGUE) just a little excited.

Have you tried it on already? Maybe.

How many carats is it? Enough.

(FRENCH MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.

Hey. Hmm?

Lipstick. What do you think? Oh.

Pink. Um, yeah. Barbie.

In a good way.

Thank you.

It's here. Right. Finally. Great.

All right.

Oh, you haven't seen it. No. (CHUCKLES)

Hello. Hello.

DAPHNE: Ooh. That's a big box.

ROSE: All right.

Holy crap!

Should we, uh...

Let's try it on. See if it fits.

DAPHNE: Okay.

Can I, uh... Sure.

(CHUCKLES) Wow. That's heavy.

Really heavy.

Come to mama.

All right. It might be a little...

Just a tad cold. Right.

(SHUDDERS) Ooh!

Oh. All right. Okay.

Oh, wow. Let me see. Right.

That goes in.

Look at you.

Yep. There.

It fits. Oh.

All right.

It fits.

Right, okay.

We can get it off, and then we can try the frock.

Okay. Um... Hang on.

YURI: Oh!

Sorry, you cannot do it. I have to do it.

It requires a special magnet.

What? DAPHNE: Cool.

Uh, special magnet? YURI: Yes.

(CLICKS)

ROSE: Oh. That's cool.

That's brilliant. Brilliant.

Amazing.

Um...

Can I just see that again, out of interest?

Sure. Thanks.

That's amazing.

Great. Let me just see. So how does it work?

TAMMY: Hilda Schneider, fashion reporter, Der Spiegel.

DEBBIE: No.

Hilda Schneider, diplomatic attache?

No.

Lufthansa asset? Lufthansa.

LOU: Problem.

DEBBIE: With? From Rose.

TAMMY: Oh, God.

Come on!

ROSE: Oh, my God, that is amazing.

And you can only do it with a magnet?

YURI: Only the magnet. ROSE: Let me just see...

Stop. Play it again.

ROSE: Oh, my God, that is amazing.

And you can only do it with a magnet?

YURI: Only the magnet. Zoom in a little bit.

(WOMEN SIGHING IN ANNOYANCE)

(NINE BALL TAPPING NAILS ON DESK)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

What, Leslie? I'm busy.

Leslie?

Hey, sis, we're in a bit of a jam right now, and I need your help.

So it seems like they used poly-magnets and a spring.

It gives you attraction and repulsion in the same axis, you know?

Not really. Well, they're drawn together.

But don't touch, until you rotate it, and then they lock.

It's real dope. I'll go get you a positive and a negative pole in a loop. That oughta work fine.

You're a little genius, sis. Thank you.

Really? She fixed it?

Really? You just asked me that?

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Okay, you guys. Sound check.

Nine Ball. Check.

Debbie. Check.

Constance. Yeah.

Amita. Yep.

Lou. Check.

That sh*t was hectic. Got chased by a cop!

Okay, so this is my sister, everyone, Veronica.

(WHISPERS) Check this out. Crazy.

Tight. All right. I owe you one, you little sh*t.

Just get me a new ID.

Go home.

What do your parents do?

DEBBIE: Okay, we are up. Is everybody on?

TAMMY: Yes. LOU: Mmm-hmm.

All right, ladies. Half an hour.

Countdown starting now.

(EXHALES) Okay. First. No need to be nervous.

The food is better on the inside than most people think and even solitary can be kind of peaceful.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

I just wanna say, thank you.

The last three weeks have been amazing for me, and we've all worked very hard for this moment.

So whatever happens tonight, I want you to remember one thing, you are not doing this for me.

You are not doing this for you.

Somewhere out there is an eight-year-old girl lying in bed, dreaming of being a criminal.

Let's do this for her.

Do not engage in informal conversation with the guests, please.

Do not have your cell phone on you.

Please make sure your cell phone is turned in to security prior to the start of the event.

Very important.

Do not slouch, cross your arms, put your hands in your pockets.

I know it's gonna be a long night.

I know you're gonna get tired.

(PHOTOGRAPHERS CLAMORING) (CAMERAS CLICKING)

Hello. Hello. How are you?

Edward, so good to see you. Claude Becker.

Pleasure. And, of course, Rose Weil.

You two know each other? BOTH: Yes.

My dear, is that the Toussaint?

I'd say you look like a million bucks, but it's more like 100 million.

Thank you, it's a 150 million actually. (CHUCKLING)

What inspired you for tonight's look?

Her.

EDWARD: Unreal. So what makes this such a fun night?

COMMON: I mean, you never know who you're gonna see.

It's stars from all over the planet.

Meeting actors, people in the fashion industry.

EDWARD: So coming up next, we have Serena Williams.

How are you? I'm good. How are you?

I'm good, thank you.

So you've conquered the court, you've conquered motherhood...

I'm trying. (LAUGHS) I mean, you are succeeding.

Sorry, we're a little backed up today. Your name?

Uh, Hilda Schneider.

Oh, here it is. Have a good night.

(ALL SPEAKING GERMAN)

PHOTOGRAPHERS: Here, Heidi! Heidi!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Yes. Ready for tonight?

Hi, how are you? Nice to see you! Fantastic.

Ready to sit.

Hot sauce? Hot sauce.

(INAUDIBLE)

You good? Yeah. I'll see you soon?

(BANGING) Hey, no, we're closed.

We're closed.

Come on, dude. It's right there.

(WHIRRING)

TAMMY: (SOFTLY) Yeah, I got her.

Yeah, I see her.

We're a go.

Hi, everybody.

MAN: Hi. How are you?

Hi. Good to see you.

It's so good to see you. You look amazing.

You too. Cheers. Oh, yeah, cheers.

No, no, these are real.

Thank you very much. So kind of you.

Okay, counting down.

Three, two, one.

Need a gluten-free and a broiled fish for Table Eight.

Where's the vegan for Table Four?

WOMAN: Over here.

Go, go, go.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, God!

(SIGHS)

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I'm so hungry.

Mmm. I haven't eaten anything in three days.

I'm sorry.

Mmm.

Am I being rude?

She's in deep.

Maybe half a bowl.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

DAPHNE: So, you're supposed to curtsy.

They actually have a guy there to teach you how to curtsy.

Yes, that's true.

Anyway, I go in, I'm doing this little knee bend.

And the Queen glares at me and says, "That's not a curtsy."

Really?

So now, I am in a curtsy standoff with the Queen of England.

And...

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Do you need to go to the bathroom?

No! I'm fine. Are you sure?

I'm at this curtsy standoff with Queen...

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

And she's... Are you okay?

I'm fine. Just give me one second, hold on. I just need to get this...

(RETCHES) CLAUDE: You all right?

Game on!

(VOMITS)

(SPEAKS GERMAN)

Excuse me, we need to... (CONTINUES SPEAKING GERMAN)

(GASPING)

That's good.

Okay, you're right on the edge of the blind spot.

(DAPHNE GROANING)

Hey, you all right?

You good? Oh, you poor thing.

It's okay. You'll be okay. Breathe, breathe...

Breathe... Breathe...

(CLICKS) Breathe.

(VOMITS)

Okay, ten seconds.

Here we go.

Hey, come here.

This can't be here. You need to get this into the kitchen right away.

No problem. Okay, go. Go, go.

Coming at you, Deb.

Okay, here he comes.

Oh.

NINE BALL: Okay, my mule is out.

All my ladies still in the dark.

Dude. Dude. Yo.

You have it? Have what?

Oh, I smoked it.

What do you mean, "smoked it"?

You know, Josh asked, and he was like, "Hey, do you have..."

Guys, where is he? What's wrong?

What's happening?

Stalled in the hallway. Chitchattin'.

DEBBIE: Tammy, you got to get him moving now.

I'm putting the soup down, I'm like...

Hey! Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?

You're not getting paid to talk.

Let's go, come on. Yeah, sorry.

AMITA: Here, I'll take those. I'll take those.

Thanks.

Bathroom break. Bathroom break!

That was intense.

What?

I don't know. It could've fallen off in there.

It could've fallen off back there. I'm not sure.

I was just barfing my guts out.

I was back at the table the whole time.

Seal the exits.

What? No. Do we have to make such a big deal about this? Come on.

You better lock it up. Oh, come on!

We need to clear the room. You can't do that.

We need to do a full sweep.

We can't.

Do you know who's here?

You just lost $150 million.

What would you do if it was a Rembrandt missing, hmm?

Dinner will resume shortly, I promise!

Thank you so much for your understanding.

Just walk towards the stairs.

Sealin' the exits.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Gentlemen, we're working in teams of two.

We start at the perimeter and work our way in.

Once you've been scanned, please go directly to the exit.

There will be someone there that will show you where to go.

OLIVIA MUNN: Do you know what's going on here?

An item seems to have been lost.

They're looking for it now.

Do you know what they lost? Diamonds.

Lots of diamonds.

Diamonds? Really? We're waiting around for diamonds?

Sir, I really just need to go to the bathroom.

(SIRENS WAILING)

Okay, sh*t's blowing up.

Police coming, Cartier coming.

A bunch of news people coming.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're doing it.

They're about halfway through.

YURI: Was there anything you did or anyone you talked to between your table and the bathroom?

I was rather preoccupied at the time, in case you didn't notice.

Amita, there's a guy in the kitchen.

AMITA: Just give it a few more minutes.

We don't have a few minutes.

Oh, sh*t!

He's right there.

DEBBIE: Tammy, how close? Where are you now?

TAMMY: By the moat.

Tammy, pull it out of the water.

Just plant it in the water! Just pull it out, right now!

Found it!

It was in the water. It must have fallen off while you were running.

May I?

We got it back.

Okay. I'll come back down.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Constance, you good.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Whoa, sick!

AMITA: Uh-uh. There's glue, there's glue!

CLAUDE: Feeling better?

I do now.

Couple scotches, please.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Dear God!

Thank you. Oh.

Very nice.

First of all, I'm not a member of law enforcement.

I work with the insurance carrier.

Which means I'm either looking for fraud or I'm looking for the real necklace.

Beyond that, I couldn't care less.

I'm afraid you won't find either here.

We'll see about that, Monsieur...

Monsieur? Delarue-Broussard.

Okay.

Lawrence, when did you last see what you believe to be the authentic item?

When it left here for the Met Gala.

When did you know this was a fake?

The moment it was returned.

And you two.

You had your eyes on the necklace the entire evening?

Apart from when Miss Kluger had her unfortunate incident in the public toilet.

That's correct.

Did you accompany her inside?

It's a women's bathroom.

It's a very big necklace.

There is only one entrance in and out.

We were stationed at the door.

Did you check the plumbing?

No. I did.

Okay, keep going forward.

Squeaky clean, so to speak.

(SIGHS)

Whoever stole this necklace managed to get out without being detected.

Which means we're looking for someone very smart.

Gentlemen.

I've seen a thoroughbred racehorse thrown into a tree shredder.

People will go to great lengths to defraud an insurance carrier.

There! What's this?

I'm saying that's not a blind spot.

What do you call that then? The bathroom.

I don't see a bathroom.

That's...

Because it's in the blind spot.

(SIGHS) What can someone steal from a bathroom anyway?

I don't know, toiletries, mints, hand towels, a six-pound diamond necklace, apparently.

Now, who's this?

A busboy?

Do you know him?

How would I know a busboy?

Aren't we posh?

I don't know everyone who goes in and out of the museum.

Why do you care about a busboy?

He's the only person who moves in and out of the blind spot during the period in question.

Could you please stop calling it a blind spot?

Fine.

The bathroom door that we can't see because of your unique camera placement.

This is the most sophisticated museum security in the world.

Every piece of art is recorded from multiple angles.

We just don't happen to keep art in the bathroom.

I'm not a critic, Kyle.

I'm an insurance investigator.

I didn't wanna do it.

But Eric's all, like, "Come on!"

I'm, like, "Dude, I don't do that anymore."

He's, like, "Everyone's out on the loading dock!"

I know it was really stupid.

I know I'm an assh*le, but it wasn't even my weed.

I'm sorry, what?

It wasn't my weed! Do you want me to pee in a cup or something?

No, that won't be necessary.

Are you sure? I really don't mind.

I'm positive.

They put the necklace on me.

Then I walked the red carpet.

Then I saw the exhibit.

Then I ate my soup.

Then I hurled my guts out.

Then the necklace was gone.

And then everybody freaked out.

And then they found it again, I thought.

But, no?

This gentleman.

Claude Becker. Mmm-hmm.

He was my date.

Was there ever a time you two were alone while you were wearing the necklace?

(MOANING)

No.

Anyone present with you in the bathroom?

My head was in a toilet bowl.

How 'bout after?

A lot of people.

Do you know this woman?

No.

Debbie Ocean, convicted felon.

Her brother, Danny Ocean, more convicted felon.

She was present on the night of the incident.

Did she steal the necklace?

Apparently not, she's the only one with an alibi.

Smiling at the camera the entire time.

Ooh. So...

So I have five innocent people who seem to be suspects, and someone who should be a suspect but isn't.

I have cameras covering every inch of the museum, except for the loo, where $150 million was stolen from that neck, your neck.

Interesting case. Mmm.

Some days, I love my job.

I love my job, too.

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(TAMMY LAUGHS)

(DOOR OPENS)

You guys are f*cked.

Nice place.

It must be a bitch to heat.

Excuse me! You are trespassing.

No. We asked her to come.

TAMMY: You asked her to come?

Oh.

We realized a few days ago that Miss Kluger...

Was not a total fricking idiot.

Might have gotten a sense of what we were doing.

(CLICKS)

You've got one of the greatest necks in the world.

DAPHNE: First of all, if there's one thing I know, it's bad acting.

In fact, you've got the only neck that could carry this necklace off.

DAPHNE: I almost never throw up.

Even when I'm really wasted.

It was in the water.

It must have fallen off while you were running.

DAPHNE: And last but not least, I never forget a face.

JOHN: Debbie Ocean.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, seems to me, eight shares of 150 million is better than seven shares of nothing, right?

Chilly!

Hi, Daph! Welcome to the team!

Let's not all high-five at once.

Plus, I am the one who is saving your asses from insurance fraud. What?

Insurance fraud? I was gonna get to that.

When?

It seems that they've assigned an insurance investigator...

Who's about to look up your ass with a flashlight.

Who? This little Columbo dude, everything but the trench coat.

Totally on to you.

His name is John Frazier.

You know him? Yes.

He busted my father twice and my brother once.

He's family.

ROSE: All right. Lest we forget, this entire enterprise was to keep me out of jail.

Hey. No one's going to jail.

CONSTANCE: Are you sure? We expected this.

We prepared for this.

Yup, that's clear.

We will not be the prime suspect.

AMITA: Okay, well then who will be the prime suspect?

There's a few. We've got the security guys, we've got the busboys...

The shady guy who put you away.

Wow! (CHUCKLES)

(GASPS) The boyfriend.

DEBBIE: Yup. They were gonna be looking for somebody.

Just had to make sure it wasn't one of us.

It's nice.

Thanks.

That is amazing! The precision...

Right?

It's always the attention to detail and the little grace notes that really make something sing.

Why are you doing this?

DAPHNE: Uh...

I don't have that many close female friendships.

And book clubs are the worst.

So I just thought this could be something fun to share.

You're becoming a criminal because you're lonely?

Who isn't sometimes, right?

Are you an only child?

DEBBIE: Midsummer Night's Dream in Miami?

TAMMY: It's Shakespeare.

She did summer stock at Williamstown, plus a bunch of off-Broadway.

What about this one? She looks good.

Let's see. Regional theater, but she trained at Juilliard.

It's really a magnificent piece.

This was your mother's?

Left to me after her passing.

A Swedish prince gave it to her in exchange for her deflowering. (GIGGLES)

Are they worth something?

Yes, they're worth quite a lot.

"Take these," my mother said. "Now, go."

It was moonlight, and then he said, "I'd give you every star in that sky."

I'm sorry. (CRYING)

It must be difficult for you.

Claude Becker? Yeah.

John Frazier. Hi.

SPD Insurance. How are you?

So, Claude...

Like Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Isn't it?

What do you want?

Here are some photographs of you with Miss Kluger.

Now, as you can see, there are many photographs where your hand is on the back of her neck.

I don't really remember where my hands were.

Ah. To be you.

Right?

Problem is, the necklace has been stolen and a fake has been put in its place.

Right now, you're the person with the greatest opportunity...

Why would I wanna steal a necklace?

That's what I keep asking myself.

Why would this guy,

who's got everything, two of these...

Why would that guy wanna steal a necklace?

What was your answer?

Maybe he doesn't have everything.

I think we're done here.

Just a theory. Really.

A sh*t in the dark. We're done.

I'm probably wrong.

It's a beautiful piece, and I want you to have it.

I can't go any lower. Just hold on one second.

Hello?

Oh, hey.

Hi.

What're you doing right now?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

DEBBIE: Hello, John.

Hello, Debbie.

You look well, how long's it been?

A few years. Minus good behavior.

Right. Yeah.

Thank you for calling. I was gonna call you.

Yeah, I didn't do it. Of course not.

You were just on camera 20 feet away while the jewels were being nicked.

It's a coincidence.

No. That's a solid alibi.

What is it? Is it genetic?

Are the whole family like this?

Except for my aunt Ida.

Librarian? Mmm. Homemaker.

Right, I'm gonna make this easy for you.

I don't want you.

I just want the necklace.

I don't care. I'll say I found it in a cab.

How about some of it?

How much? Hypothetically, 10%.

And where's the hypothetical rest?

Oh, I don't know. Literally.

Oh, God. This is exhausting!

I mean, when they said come over, I was like... Ugh.

You know, with the jet lag, the time difference, Arsenal in the Cup Final this weekend.

But now I'm here. It's bloody interesting.

Yeah?

So it's not just profit, it's revenge.

It's a twofer.

He frames you, you frame him, scores are settled.

I'm just the courier.

All is right with the world, it's brilliant.

Just trying to help out an old friend.

You know, one day, you are gonna have to let this go?

And one day, I will.

Let's just say, for argument's sake, that I do know where there's a part of that necklace.

Can you get a search warrant?

(SIGHS) I'd need probable cause.

Well, we may or may not be working on that right now.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Do you wanna play a game?

What kind of game?

A card game.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh?

Uh-huh? Yes, yes!

I'll be right back.

Where are you going? (CHUCKLES)

CLAUDE: Wait.

(CHUCKLES)

CLAUDE: Where are you?

I'll be right there.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(GROANS)

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

You have no idea how this came to be in your possession?

No.

But you were Ms. Kluger's date the night these necklaces were switched.

Yes, I was.

Does that strike you as a rather large coincidence?

Including a 33.18, D color, internally flawless diamond...

DETECTIVE: Are you familiar with a company called Becker Holdings, LLC?

CLAUDE: Of course.

DETECTIVE: Well, it seems four sweet old ladies, who apparently don't exist, have recently transferred some very large sums of money into Becker Holdings, LLC.

Do you know how that might have happened, Mr. Becker?

I think I need to talk to my lawyer.

(CHUCKLES) I think you do.

To our dear friend Carl... ALL: Claude.

Claude Becker. May he rest in peace in prison.

ALL: Cheers.

ROSE: Love you, love you, love you.

LOU: Cheers. Cheers.

I have a question.

So...

It's good that he went to jail, 'cause it's great that we didn't.

But if you only sold the jewels for 85 million, how does it work out that we get 16 apiece?

Do you wanna?

You thought we were just gonna steal one necklace?

What do you think we are, a bunch of pussies?

DEBBIE: See, while everyone was worried about what was happening around your neck...

LOU: And you were hurling your guts out...

Thanks for that, by the way.

It was amazing.

That was really impressive. (ALL AGREEING)

That was really nice, actually.

DEBBIE: The place kinda went on lockdown.

LOU: The kitchen was cleared out, too.

And while everyone was watching the entrance, we thought we'd check out the exhibit.

Because why would you just steal one necklace,

when you could steal more? (ALL GASP)

Holy sh*t! Holy sh*t!

That's a lot.

Yeah.

We didn't just print the Toussaint from that thing.

We printed a lot of jewels.

AMITA: Felt like I was working at Kinko's.

LOU: Meanwhile, I decided to visit an old friend.

(SPEAKS MANDARIN)

Amazon sells these 20-foot selfie sticks.

All they saw was a quick, little blur.

(LOU AND YEN SPEAKING MANDARIN)

DEBBIE: It was a temporary exhibit and they built this metal grid to hang the dresses from.

We just decided to suspend Yen from that as well.

What if somebody came in?

Oh. Somebody did.

I'm sorry, ma'am, you can't be here. We're clearing this whole area. (SPEAKING GERMAN)

GUARD: Ma'am. (CONTINUES SPEAKING GERMAN)

Calm down.

(OVERLAPPING ARGUING)

(IN ENGLISH) We're okay.

DEBBIE: Stealing the necklace was great, but without that diversion, without clearing out the exhibit...

LOU: We wouldn't have been able to grab these.

DEBBIE: These, which bring your cuts to $38,300,000 each.

AMITA: Huh? Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah.

Yeah, I know. It's so beautiful. (LAUGHS)

Sweetie, I know, but you can't put gum in your sister's hair.

I don't care if she tried to put it in your nose first.

What's up, YouTube? It's your girl!

Check out my new crib.

I'm on the co-op board.

DAPHNE: Cut! WOMAN: That's a cut!

Cut, cut, cut! WOMAN: That's a cut!

Resetting back to one.

DAPHNE: Uh, just, you know... Smoother.

Just a little bit of space, please. It was perfect.

I just need it faster and more damaged.

All right? Great.

(WHISPERS) It's not that hard!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

You would've loved it.