02x13 - The Stan Who Came to Dinner

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ traveled down the road and back again

♪ your heart is true

♪ you're a pal and a confidante

♪ and if you threw a party

♪ invited everyone you knew

♪ you would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ and the card attached would say

♪ thank you for being a friend ♪

[doorbell]

[doorbell]

Somebody get that.

I'll just be a minute.

- I'm not dressed yet.

Rose?

- I can't.

Sophia, would you?

Sure, why not?

I'm over 80.

I've had plenty of chances to rest in my lifetime.

Today alone, I probably sat down three, four times.

I'll answer the door and then I'll hot-tar the roof.

- [Both]

hello.

- Hello.

Tell me, how many of me do you see?

- We're twins.

- We're here to see blanche.

So she's taking vitamins again.

- Oh, good evening, rob.

- Hello, blanche.

Rob, you didn't tell me your brother bob was a twin.

You didn't tell me your roommate was grandma moses.

Hey, I could fix your face so you don't look like twins.

Sophia!

This is dorothy's mother.

Dorothy's the roommate who'll be joining us tonight.

Hello, everybody.

I'm sorry I kept you waiting.

This is rob and his brother, bob.

I swear I have seen you somewhere before.

Oh, there you are!

That's a joke.

Blanche didn't mention that you were twins.

I never met bob until tonight.

Blanche, I told you we were exactly alike.

Dorothy, you'll be thanking me for years to come.

[Doorbell]

at least we won't argue over who has the cuter date.

- Oh, stanley!

- Dorothy, I need to talk.

Stan is her ex-husband.

Biggest loser you'll ever see.

Good evening!

Always good to see you, doll-face.

I'm going out.

We'll talk some other time.

And in future, I really would appreciate some notice before you drop by.

Let's say one, two, six months.

I have a stack of papers we need to go over before the surgery.

Surgery?

Finally going ahead with that hair transplant?

Sophia, not everybody knows this isn't real.

Oh, please!

Stevie wonder could tell it's a rug.

Believe me, I wish it were only a hair transplant.

But look...

I won't ruin your evening.

I'll be here when you return.

God willing.

We're seeing merv griffin in the crucible.

I'll risk it.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, look, stan, I made these plans a week ago.

How can you expect me to disappoint rob?

- Bob.

- Bob.

Stan...

Stan, are we talking...

Life and death?

The doctors say I'm lucky to be talking at all.

Hi, everybody.

Rose, could you take my place with rob?

- Bob.

- Bob.

I wish I could, but I'm driving the bookmobile for the grief center.

Isn't that during the day?

Usually, but I got tied up at work and now I feel so guilty.

There are so many depressed people with nothing to read.

Of course, when I'm depressed, I can't read.

I knit.

Maybe I should drive a knitmobile.

Maybe she should drive a nitwitmobile.

I think you should call a friend.

Boys, would you wait in the car?

I wanna talk to dorothy.

- Sure.

Come on, rob.

- Bob!

Bob.

Blanche, I'm sorry, but I have to stay and talk to stan.

You'll get somebody.

Dorothy, I have mixed feelings about calling anybody.

There's something strangely provocative about this evening.

Oh, I would never have a relationship with both twins at the same time.

That would be obscene.

Unless, of course, it was tastefully done.

What was it you wanted to talk about?

Not now, dorothy.

Finish your thought, blanche.

Into the kitchen, stanley.

I'll send one of them home.

Only, which one?

You know, sophia, I used to have this recurring dream about twins.

They always k*lled each other over me.

Maybe I'll drive.

I have a recurring dream.

John cameron swayze straps a timex to my chin and tosses me across an icy pond.

I checked a book of symbols.

Nothing there.

That's it.

I'm done.

What?

You want me to bring down a curtain?

Bypass surgery.

You mean...

Heart bypass?

Yeah, the doctor says the problem's been brewing for years.

I don't understand it.

I always exercise, eat healthy.

Please!

Your idea of healthy eating is taking the skin off a knotwurst.

Whatever.

He says I don't have a choice anymore.

Oh, dorothy!

Come on, you have to pull yourself together.

Hey, babe, don't worry.

I'm a survivor.

Everything's cool.

The cat who's gonna cut me is primo.

I said pull yourself together, not talk like sammy davis jr.

I only meant that the operation is a very common procedure.

Everything's gonna turn out just fine.

On the other hand, they are going to cr*ck open my chest and slice my heart like the lox platter at wolfie's.

Good, someone's going for lox.

Get some bagels, an assortment.

Ma, stanley's having bypass surgery on friday.

So?

He can take the car.

And, stan, no poppy seeds.

They get caught under my dentures.

Sophia, at least you could pretend to be concerned.

Really, I'm worried sick!

Also, a half a dozen sour pickles...

And two prune danish.

I want the lox to visit, not set up shop there.

Ma, this is serious surgery.

Surgery is easy.

The tough part is after.

- Who'll take care of you?

- I haven't thought about that.

Think about it.

You live alone, no one likes you.

- Be nice, ma.

- Come here to recover.

- Not that nice, ma.

- Dorothy, he's still family.

It's your fault he's family, but let's not dwell on that.

The yutz could die.

Sophia's got a point.

What am I gonna do?

Stan, ma's right.

Come here to recover.

Have my room.

I'll move in with ma.

Sophia, dorothy, you're the greatest.

I don't know what to say.

Is it just your heart that's clogged or your ears too?

Half a pound of lox, a dozen bagels, assorted, two prune danish, six sour pickles and a container of cream cheese.

- [Knock at door]

- come in.

Well, tomorrow's the big day.

Are you excited?

[Blanche]

rose...

He's having a bypass, not going off to college.

You're gonna be fine.

I've brought you some clean towels.

Babe, you are a remarkable woman.

I said towels, stanley, not a kidney.

- She is trying to be brave.

- She's very convincing.

Have a wonderful night.

We're wishing you luck in case we don't see you again.

Before you leave...

For the hospital, not another world.

Let's not bother him anymore.

Let stan rest in peace.

Ooh...

Sorry!

I've gotta pack your bag.

We have to leave at 7:30 so you can be admitted by 8:00.

- Dorothy.

- Yeah?

I really appreciate everything you're doing.

- I know that.

- I've never been this scared.

Come on.

You said yourself, it's a very common operation.

Still, something could go wrong.

There's always a chance.

When there's a chance, with me, it usually does.

The way I figure it...

I'm gonna die, dorothy.

Stanley, you're not going to die.

Yes, I am.

I'm gonna die.

That's why there are some things I must say to you.

I love you, dorothy.

That sounds crazy because I walked out on you, but it's true.

I've already forgiven you for that, stanley.

Besides, in the grand scheme of things, it's not bad to wait 38 years to make your first big mistake.

- It wasn't my first mistake.

- What?

Remember the chain-linked fence retailers' convention in atlantic city in 1957?

Oh, my god!

You had an affair at the convention.

There was no convention.

I just had an affair.

- Oh, stanley!

- She didn't mean a thing to me.

She was a waitress in a little greek diner.

She'd put some rolls on the table and say, "can I butter your buns?" One morning she said it and there were no rolls on the table.

Next thing I knew, we were in atlantic city.

Dorothy, I swear to you, it was just that one time.

Forgive me.

Forgive you?

I'm sitting at home with two screaming kids praying you'll sell enough to put food on the table, and you're off planting your flag on mount olympus.

Dorothy, you make it sound so cheap.

Say you understand.

I need to know you forgive me before they cut me open.

They may have to stand in line.

Dorothy, please.

Oh, alright, alright.

You're off the hook, stanley.

Go to the hospital with a clean conscience.

I forgive you.

Dorothy, you've got the compassion of a priest, you do.

But you'd have to be the vatican softball team to forgive me for the other time.

The other time?

I didn't mean it to happen.

I was in the bar next to that diner.

A woman sat next to me.

We talked, we drank, we broke a few dishes.

The next thing I knew, I came to in a motel, my toupee in my mouth.

I cannot believe this.

I cannot believe that I am hearing this.

I always assumed something like this could happen, but I figured it would be with your secretary who couldn't type or take shorthand.

You're wrong on two counts, dorothy.

She could take shorthand...

And I did have an affair with her.

I am shocked.

That airhead could take shorthand?

Dorothy, I am going into hospital and may not come out.

If so, I want you to know that, despite everything, I have never loved anyone as much as you.

- I know that, stan.

- Then you forgive me?

- I forgive you.

- I feel so much better.

And that makes me feel so much better.

Ma, where were you?

We've been worried.

You know who's in this hospital?

Rochelle devito.

She slipped in the shower, broke her hip, fell through the shower doors, hit her head against the sink got a concussion and swallowed her dentures.

To hear her complaining, you'd think no one else had problems.

I took some of her cookies.

Hungry?

- I'm too upset to eat.

- They're doing all they can.

I know, I know.

I'm sorry.

I'm just scared.

- Oh, it's understandable.

- No, it's surprising.

You know, when I was married to stan, there were moments when I'd think, "my god, what if I lost him?" I guess you can't turn your back on 38 years of living because part of me feels that way.

I didn't expect it.

I thought the next time I'd visit would be for ma.

As I'm here, I'll break my hip so you won't have to come back.

You know, it's strange.

If anything happened to stan, I would feel like his widow.

I know I'm not, but...

We've been through so much together that that's how I'd feel.

I remember the first time anybody called me a widow.

I was terribly lonely and depressed, just missing george something awful.

Finally, my best friend persuaded me to join her for a night out.

We no sooner stepped through the door into the boots and saddle grill than these two big truckers offered us a drink.

That is, till one of them noticed my wedding band.

I was so stunned I couldn't speak.

But becky-sue said, "that's alright, she's a widow."

- Oh, blanche, you poor baby.

- I know.

Next time I decided to party when george was out of town, I left that ring at home.

Blanche, you were unfaithful to george?

No, I was only flirting.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Keeps you healthy, keeps you in shape.

Keeps your buttocks firm.

And I wasted all that time on jazzercise.

I have to confess, I hate being called a widow.

It sounds so permanent and final.

I don't believe for one minute that it is.

Someday charlie and I will be together again.

Probably not in the old house.

We don't need that much room.

The kids are grown and we'll be dead.

- Excuse me, mrs. Zbornak.

- Yes.

I'm dr. Deutsch.

I wanted to let you know mr. Zbornak's out of surgery and doing fine.

- Oh, thank god!

- He's in recovery.

He'll be out of intensive care within 48 hours.

Ma!

I understand he'll be spending his recovery period with you.

- That's right.

- It's a critical time for him.

But with proper care, he'll be good as new within three months.

Did you say three months?

[Sobs]

ma, he said three months!

You call that wrestling, you pansy?

If you can't take a crotch slam, get out of the business!

This is great, just great - you and me watching television together.

There's a great basketball game on seven.

I said come out of your room, not talk to me.

I'm kind of an expert in basketball.

That's what's interesting about me.

You've lived here for two months.

There's nothing interesting about you.

No.

I mean it.

Ask me anything.

When the hell are you moving out?

- You k*ll me!

- I'd love to.

- Oh, hello there, stanley.

- Oh, hi, guys.

Wait right here, honey.

You'll never guess what this wonderful fool just did.

He bought a fire-engine red convertible!

Put it on his credit card!

- I have to get a wrap.

- Hey, dude, so you won out.

I figured you would.

I overheard blanche telling the girls last night that you got all the brains, charm and sex appeal, while your brother rob the slob batted a big fat zero.

Ok, rob, I'm ready.

Let's go.

You're rob?

- Bye, blanche.

- Why?

Wh-what's wrong?

Ask him.

- Stan?

- I thought rob was bob and I said something I shouldn't have.

Stan, I'm gonna k*ll you!

I'm gonna k*ll you!

Do you know what this is?

A plate I dropped.

I was gonna pick it up.

This is not just a plate, mister!

This is a family heirloom.

It's great-great-grandma nylund's ceremonial wedding plate.

- Wedding plate?

- Yes.

The bride's family fills the plate with fruit and the guests eat from it.

When the last piece is gone, the bride and groom leave to start their wedding night in a tent...

Or a best western.

A best western?

Oh, the vikings have always been a very progressive people.

Anyway, that's when it's time for the husband to symbolically offer himself to his new bride.

On the plate.

Yuck!

I ate a tuna sandwich on that plate this afternoon!

Stan, I'm never going to forgive you for this.

My niece is getting married.

What will her husband do?

I bet a gravy boat would work, at a pinch.

Oh, stan, I went to three stores, but I finally found the stuff to make you sleep.

Oh, wow, strawberry quik.

You are the best, babe!

I'm gonna take a shower.

If you could bring me a mug in ten minutes, that'd be perfect.

- That man is driving me crazy!

- Me too.

We have to get him out of here.

I know it's difficult living with stanley.

I did it for 38 years.

But the man is recovering from major surgery.

He needs us.

- He is taking advantage of you.

- He is sick.

He's the only one who knows when he's ready to leave.

It's his decision.

Well, sometimes people need help making decisions.

That's the way it was with thor.

Our pet lamb.

From the time he was first separated from his mother, he wouldn't eat, he wouldn't sleep, he wouldn't frolic with the other sheep.

You're slipping into verse, rose.

Keep it simple.

Daddy got the idea of taking this old inner tube, wrapping it in wool and putting it next to thor's bed at night.

We named it brun hilda.

It did the trick.

Thor felt like he was back with his mother and he began eating and sleeping...

- [Both]

and frolicking.

- Yes.

But then one day, thor got a little playful and accidentally bit brun hilda.

The poor little guy just stood there, watching his mother deflate before his very eyes.

He was never the same after that.

Oh, sure, once in a while he'd "baa" at the back tires of a car.

But for the most part, he just kept to himself.

- I see your point.

- You do?

Who cares?

You wanna hear the sequel?

The point is stan is getting too comfortable.

He may never wanna leave.

- She is right, dorothy.

- She is not.

He is recuperating.

He is not getting comfortable.

He doesn't wanna stay any longer than necessary.

- Stan, you're wearing my robe.

- Tell me about it.

Which one of stan's angels forgot to pick up my dry-cleaning?

Oh, wow!

Cheesecake!

Mm!

I just love it when we all get together like this.

Stanley, don't you think it's a coincidence you get a relapse on the day the doctor says you can move back home?

Well, the heart's a funny organ.

I bet most of your organs get a laugh.

- Blanche, I sense hostility.

- Good, because I hate you.

She's edgy because we've been taking care of you for two months, you've been eating all our food and making life unbearable.

That's not a very charitable view.

What are you making for lunch?

Listen, we've been more than charitable.

In the village my ancestors came from, if a man was bad company, unable to provide for his family and no fun under the yak skin, the women would leave him to die.

Tough village.

I spoke to dr.

Deutsch.

He says there's nothing to worry about.

Some patients do experience a sudden setback like this, just when their recovery seems to be complete.

Boy, what rotten luck!

I guess I was pushing myself too hard, trying to do too many things.

Could you hand me the remote control from the top of the television?

I think you should get some sleep.

Maybe you're right.

Wake me for lunch, ok?

[Tv]

davis is bringing the ball up.

He's taking it slow to mid-court.

He's making a move.

He's driving the lane.

It's up!

It's good!

You feeling better, magic?

Dorothy...

Dorothy, i...

I know this sounds insane.

But I thought that a little physical activity would help me snap this setback.

I was wrong, you were right.

I should rest.

Could you help me get back into bed?

Stanley, how could you fake a relapse?

Do I deserve this?

I took care of you because I thought you needed me.

I defended you to my friends.

I mean, why did you do this?

I'm scared, dorothy.

I'm scared of being alone.

This whole experience has made me feel so vulnerable.

So mortal.

Being here with you makes me feel secure.

Sure, it's great having somebody cook your meals, clean your room, do your laundry, entertain you.

It's terrific.

But that's not why I wanted to stay.

It's just a bonus.

I wanted to stay because I'm happiest with the people I love.

Stanley...

Stanley, you know, in all the years we've been together...

I don't think you've ever opened up to me this way...

And poured out such crap.

Didn't buy any of it, huh?

Not true.

I believe you're scared.

You've just discovered something most of us have known for years: life doesn't always turn out exactly the way you like it.

I found that out when you divorced me.

I was scared and alone.

But I survived.

And now you will too.

Because you have to.

Does this mean you're throwing me out?

I'm not throwing you out, I'm pushing you out of the nest.

You can't come here with every problem.

I'm not your mother.

I'm not even your wife anymore.

Now, stanley, it's time that you grew up.

Happy birthday, peter pan.