02x14 - The Actor

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ traveled down the road and back again

♪ your heart is true

♪ you're a pal and a confidante

♪ and if you threw a party

♪ invited everyone you knew

♪ you would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ and the card attached would say

♪ thank you for being a friend ♪

- hi, dorothy.

- Oh, hi, ma.

Why are you wearing a raincoat?

It's 80 degrees outside!

I had a chill.

I have another question.

Is that a saber under your coat?

Yeah, I think it is.

See you later.

Ma, take off the coat.

Ma, did you forget to take your blood pressure medicine again?

I've got a job at captain jack's seafood shanty.

- Why?

- I need money.

- I give you money.

- An allowance.

Who am i, dennis the menace?

Look, ma, you're 81.

Working all day is too much for you.

- I absolutely forbid it.

- Really, warden?

Are you sending me back to that home?

Ma, shady pines happens to be a beautiful retirement village.

Right.

And morley safer just wandered in there by mistake!

Oh, dorothy, we have great news!

You'll never guess who's starring in our production at the community theater.

Oh, blanche, please!

You say that every year.

And every year, we end up with miami's answer to meryl streep.

Phyllis hammerow.

She stinks.

Oh, I thought she was terrific in the diary of anne frank.

Please!

During the entire second act, the audience kept yelling, "she's in the attic!

She's in the attic!" Well, this year, we just happen to have gotten a real actor.

A star of incredible magnitude.

Oh, dorothy.

The miami community players are gonna have the extraordinary experience of working with none other than the incandescent...

Mr. Patrick vaughn.

Patrick vaughn?

Oh, my god!

He is my all-time favorite tv actor!

I cannot believe I am actually going to meet patrick vaughn!

I've had a crush on him for years.

He is the sexiest actor on tv.

I hate to admit it, but he melts my haagen-dazs.

Rose, you tramp!

I'll see you later, I'm going to work.

Ma, I absolutely forbid you to leave this house.

- I'm going to work.

- Over my dead body.

Fine, have it your way.

Go.

I'm tired of arguing with you.

Sophia!

Is that a captain jack's seafood shanty uniform you're wearing?

No, rose.

I'm off to discover the strait of magellan.

Yo-ho!

Dorothy, is this a good champagne?

Gee, it's hard to tell.

The "two for $7" sticker is covering the year of vintage.

Well, I'm sorry, dorothy, but the welcoming committee is on a budget.

Hurry up arranging those flowers.

Mr. Vaughn's arriving from the airport any minute.

- [Knocking]

- oh, my god, that's him!

- How does the room look?

- Who cares?

How do I look?

Welcome, mr...

Ma!

- Thanks, dorothy.

- Give me those!

- What are you doing here?

- I had an hour to k*ll.

I'm here to meet mr.

Hollywood.

- You can't stay.

- Are you embarrassed by me?

Dressed like vasco da gama, yes.

Am I in the right place?

Oh, wow, are you ever!

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm patrick vaughn.

Rose...

Look, rose, it's...

It's...

He's...

I'm...

We...

Euuh!

This is my daughter dorothy.

She's an english teacher.

- And you are...?

- Linda ronstadt.

I'm doing the pirates of penzance across town.

This is my mother, sophia petrillo.

Who has to be going.

- No, I don't.

- Yes, you do.

Mr. Vaughn, my name is blanche devereaux.

- Blanche.

- And er...

This is rose nylund.

Rose.

And er...

This over here is dorothy zbornak.

We just want you to know how excited we are that an artist of your stature is performing in our little theater.

Ladies, there are no small theaters, no small parts, - only small actors.

- Like herve villechaize.

I was speaking metaphorically.

Oh, please go on.

That's such a beautiful language.

Rose, why don't we just show mr.

Vaughn around the theater?

Why don't I do that myself?

I've had the most experience performing here.

Blanche, the parking lot doesn't count.

I'll do it.

I want to do it.

I don't have the time now.

I'm doing another project in town.

I have to meet the director to discuss the nuances of my character.

I read about that.

Aren't you playing a tangerine in a commercial?

Yes.

Ooh, how exciting!

Have you ever been a fruit before?

No, but having been in musical theater for 30 years, I've had my share of offers.

It was a delight meeting you.

Mr. Vaughn, remember, casting is tomorrow at two.

I'm looking forward to it.

I trust all of you will read for the part of my leading lady.

[Vaughn]

to hell with this town.

Come away with me.

But biff, you are a drifter.

How can I just pull up stakes and run off with you?

Please reconsider, josie.

You're the prettiest girl in the county.

[Blanche snickers]

shut up!

Go on, biff.

I need your answer now, josie.

What's it gonna be?

I want you to take me, biff.

Right here on the stage.

- Pardon me?

- Oh.

I'm sorry.

That was just an ad-lib.

Blanche devereaux?

Just a moment.

My god!

My rear tires have less pressure in them.

I'm ready.

The moon is hanging awful low in the sky tonight, isn't it, busty?

Josie!

It sure is, biff.

- It makes me want to kiss you.

- Mind your manners, biff.

We're at the 4th of july picnic.

The whole town is here.

- Come away with me.

- But you're a drifter, biff.

I can't just run off with you.

Please reconsider.

You're the prettiest girl in the county.

I need to have your answer now.

What's it gonna be?

- I want you to take me, biff.

- [Air hisses]

oh!

Blanche, I am sorry.

I'm afraid I popped your bosom!

Don't you worry about a thing, patrick.

My backup pair can take a lot more punishment.

You've made a complete fool of yourself.

Oh, yeah?

Wait and see who gets the part.

Could I have everyone's attention, please?

We had to make a few very difficult choices, but remember, and I mean this, everyone here is a star.

Now, playing the part of josie will be...

Phyllis hammerow.

The sheriff will be played by ronald bromberg.

The rest of you will be non-speaking townspeople.

Thank you very much.

I don't believe it!

- Phyllis hammerow!

- I am stunned!

- He didn't like any one of us!

- Let's get out of here.

Oh, I'll meet you at the car.

I forgot my purse.

Blanche.

Yes, judas?

You're mad because you didn't get the part.

Darned right.

Was phyllis better than me?

Much better.

But you are far more attractive.

- I know.

What's your point?

- I've never done this before.

I hardly know you.

But would you consider having dinner with me?

Why, yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Wait till my friends hear about this.

Oh, this must be our little secret.

I'm in the middle of a rather messy divorce, - and if reporters...

- Say no more.

I'm not naive about these things.

I have a subscription to people magazine.

Well, then, until tonight...

At eight o'clock.

See you later, boff.

Um...

Biff.

Patrick.

Blanche, come on...

- Hi, mr.

Vaughn.

- Oh, please, call me patrick.

Er, rose, there's been something I've wanted to ask you all day.

Mine are real.

That's not what I wanted to ask, but that is good to know.

Rose, ever since we met, I felt there was something between us.

Would you have dinner with me?

Jeepers!

Yes!

Whoa!

Wait till blanche and dorothy hear...

It'll have to be our secret.

I'm in the middle of a messy divorce.

Oh, I understand.

I read people magazine.

Well, then, until tonight...

At ten o'clock.

I don't know what you just did, but you'd make one hell of a yodeler.

Blanche?

Rose?

Oh, hello.

I'm glad you're here.

There's something I want to ask you.

One, do you read people magazine?

And two, are you doing anything tonight around midnight?

Oh, it's been a wonderful afternoon, patrick.

It's been a wonderful week, blanche.

Oh, patrick, our relationship's so special, I can't keep it a secret any longer.

It's hard on me too, blanche.

But one day, I'll rent a plane and write it in the sky.

Oh!

Patrick, sit down.

I...

I want to make a confession.

I've never told this to another living soul, but...

I'm not perfect.

- Blanche!

- No, I mean it.

Look in my left eye.

What do you see?

There's a little sleep crust in the corner.

No, I mean in the center.

See, there's just a slight flaw in my iris.

Oh, yes.

- [Dorothy]

blanche!

Patrick!

- What are you doing here?

- I live here.

- You are roommates?

That's right.

Now what is going on?

Patrick was helping me rehearse my part in the play.

Rehearse what?

You're a non-speaking townsperson.

We...

We added a stunt, where blanche gets tossed to the floor.

Watch.

Oh!

Oh!

I'm getting the hang of that.

I think I'll just go and practice it on the lawn.

Patrick, what is really going on?

I made up that flimsy excuse hoping to run into you.

- I've really missed you.

- Oh, wait a minute!

Do you think I'm an idiot?

You said you didn't know blanche and I were roommates!

- And she believed it.

- God, you're a wonderful actor.

There's no acting involved when I'm around you, dorothy.

- This week has been incredible.

- Let's tell everyone - how we feel about each other.

- [Clatter]

patrick!

What are you doing here?

Why are you on the floor?

Um...

I er...

I dropped a contact.

You expect me to believe that?

You don't wear contacts!

She dropped my contact.

You see, I ran into dorothy downtown and mentioned that I'd run out of contact solution.

She said she had plenty here, because she doesn't wear them.

So, here we are.

Oh, ok.

Here it is!

I found it.

- You found what?

- The lens.

Which I'll now rinse out in the solution we have too much of.

Thank goodness you're here!

I made up that ridiculous explanation hoping I'd run into you.

- So, you live here too, huh?

- Yes.

- Why ask if I live here if...?

- Oh, kiss me, rose.

Go easy, patrick.

It's not a toy.

Well, I have to go.

- We're still on for tonight?

- You betcha.

- Same rendezvous as last night.

- 10:45, You'll pull up behind the theater and leave the trunk open.

Yes.

Goodbye.

- Oh, you're leaving so soon?

- I'm afraid so.

[Both]

I'll see you tonight.

At the theater.

Yes.

Just at the theater.

- Well, I must take my leave.

- Don't leave your lens.

Oh, my lens!

Ooph!

I think maybe I'd better put it in now.

There, that's better.

Farewell!

God, he's good.

Oh, excuse me!

Have you seen patrick?

- Have you seen patrick?

- No.

- Who's the flower for?

- Oh, it's for patrick.

It's a rose for good luck on opening night.

- I'll give it to him.

- Why?

Have you heard that old theatrical saying?

- No.

- Never accept a rose from somebody named rose on opening night.

- Good evening, ladies.

- Oh, hello, patrick.

I got you something in honor of opening night.

Well, thank you, blanche!

That's very thoughtful.

I'd have gotten you a rose too, if I was named violet.

Mr. Vaughn!

Mr. Vaughn!

Did you hear about the cast change?

Ronald bromberg has the flu!

- He can't play the sheriff.

- Who can take over the part?

Hello.

She's the only one who fits into the costume.

Dorothy, maybe we'd better run the lines.

Oh, isn't he the greatest?

Yeah, the great ones always throw in a back rub.

What?

- Have you seen patrick?

- Yes, he's rehearsing lines.

What do you want him for?

- I want to give him this.

- I'll give it to him.

Believe me, he'd rather get it from me.

He has been all week.

What?

He swore me to secrecy, but I have to tell someone.

We're in love.

We've been together since he got into town.

Have a good show.

[Sings happily]

phyllis is such a liar!

Oh, she sure is.

Since patrick got into town, [both]

...he's been seeing me.

Places, everyone!

[Applause]

my name's biff.

I'm a drifter.

[Dramatic harmonica music]

my story isn't a pretty one, but it needs to be told.

It was 1952.

Wykahatchie, mississippi.

The town 4th of july picnic.

[Harmonica]

♪ oh!

Susanna evenin', sheriff.

Evening, fellow wykahatchiite.

- Evening, sheriff.

- Evening, biff.

What you doing here?

The usual.

Just drifting.

You stabbed me in the back!

- Me?

You're the backstabber!

- [All]

ssh!

Excuse us.

How much longer you planning on staying in town, biff?

Hard to tell.

Well, I'm gonna keep my eye on you.

The sun was mighty hot today, wasn't it, josie?

It sure was, biff.

Patrick swore that I was the only woman in his life.

- He told me the same thing.

- Oh, you liar!

He said he was gonna tell everybody about us.

When the time was right, he was gonna rent a plane and...

Write it in the sky?

Yes.

You, sir, are a dirt bag!

Oh, I'm sorry.

It must be the heat.

What are you two doing?

Patrick is in the middle of an exquisite performance!

You have no idea how many performances he has been giving.

- What?

- He's been seeing me and blanche and phyllis behind our backs.

You're a dirt bag!

- He's been seeing me, too!

- What?

- Yes!

- Oh, that man is slime!

- Pond scum.

- Flugenachen!

What?

Flugenachen.

It's scandinavian for someone who docks his boat in a handicapped slip.

It's time that man was exposed for what he really is.

- I'm gonna tell him right now.

- Blanche.

I love you, josie.

You're the only woman in my life.

That's a sack of cold chestnuts, mister!

- Blanche!

- Don't blanche me, lowlife!

You think you can just have your way with any woman?

- There was someone else?

- Yes.

There was me, rose...

- And me!

- You slept with the sheriff?

Lord knows how many others he took advantage of!

Ladies, I can explain!

But now is not the time!

I'll tell you what time it is.

Time for a hanging!

Get me a rope!

And a tree from props!

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

Let me speak!

All right.

I admit, I'm guilty.

But what's the big deal?

We all had a good time.

All of you who had a good time, put your hands back up.

You liar!

Put your hand down!

So what harm did I do?

What harm did you do?

You lied to everybody!

You, sir, are nothing but a low-down, carpetbagging scallywag!

And as god is my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again!

And another thing...

You'll never what?

- Don't ask.

- You know how we all feel.

So why don't you get out of our sight, our lives and our town right now?

[Applause]

- I feel like such a fool.

- Oh, me too.

Don't worry, girls.

The audience had a good time.

And they got their money back.

That's not what we're talking about, you titmouse!

We were talking about how humiliated we all were by patrick.

Oh, you're right.

I feel so common, so cheap.

So used.

How do you usually deal with that, blanche?

Just for that, I'm gonna flush the toilet tonight while you're taking a shower.

It's all our own fault.

We behaved like a bunch of teenage groupies.

The first good-looking, sexy, debonair, charming man that rolls into town, and we got on him quicker than mustard on a tie at a county fair.

It's hard to stay mad at the guy.

I don't know.

There was something...

Special about him.

He made me feel beautiful.

He made me feel young.

He made me feel smart.

God, what an actor.