03x18 - Stuck in Dad's Birthday

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[ALL] Happy birthday!

[HORN BLARES]

Birthday breakfast burrito.

- Your favorite.
- Ho ho ho.

And special birthday-blend coffee.

I even put in some of that blueberry

sweetener you pretend not to like.

- [CHUCKLES]
- And the mug is clean...

- ... ish.
- Wow.

Thanks, guys. You didn't have
to go to all this trouble.

We really did. It's time you get

the birthday celebration you deserve.

What do you mean? You guys always

give me a good birthday.

Drop the act, Dad.

We all know you're the last one

in a month full of Diaz birthdays.

[HARLEY] By the time we get to yours...

We're out of coffee. Sorry.

Wait a minute. [GASPS]
It's your birthday!

[SIGHS]

You deserve more than
hand-me-down coffee.

Seeing Aidan bond with his dad

made us remember how lucky we are.

That's why today is all
about appreciating you.

A re-appreciation, if you will.

And...

You have all day to relax.

And to show you we mean that,

Lewie and Beast are at camp.

You do love me.

Plus, Mom and I are heading down

to the Bait and Bite

to take care of all the essentials

and put up a sign that says

the store is closed for the day.

That way you can just sit
around and do nothing.

I find the couch is
nice this time of year.

And don't worry about dinner.
We've got it covered.

BunBurger, like always.

Dad, you're not getting it.

Mom and Ethan have something

a little more exciting planned.

Right?

Uh, sure. Yes.

We're doing a big surprise dinner

that is definitely not BunBurger.

Yeah, but it's a huge surprise

for us all.

And because relaxing is most fun

when other people are working,

the girls present our gift.

The wheel of mañana.

All the things you say

you'll get to mañana.

Everything you've been avoiding.

The worst of the worst.

Give it a spin and whatever it lands on,

it'll become our nightmare.

Happy birthday.

Hey, Harls, I think you might
need a new protractor.

These look like they're different sizes.

Oh, really? Oh, my mistake.

Not a mistake.

I made the hard ones thinner on purpose,

so the probability of landing
on the most hated chores

is a little less probable.

I knew there was a reason
I took AP Statistics.

Ooh! Knock down the spiderwebs
in the crawl space!

Catch the mouse that
lives in the mailbox?

I don't know which one to root for.

Come on, replace fire alarm batteries.

[DAPHNE] Clean out the garage?

[HARLEY CHUCKLES]

Next time something needs to be rigged,

leave it up to me.

That's fair.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like
things are out of control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Trying to figure out ♪

♪ Your way in the world ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing Don't stop ♪

♪ Let the games begin
Let's jump right in ♪

♪ I want to get stuck with you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I want to get Stuck with you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado ♪

♪ Rowing in the same boat ♪

♪ I want to get Stuck with you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I want to get stuck with you ♪

Ugh. Look at this garage.

There's a basketball being
held up by a spiderweb.

When's the last time the
garage was cleaned?

Ugh! And more importantly,

how big is that spider?

You don't get a garage to keep it tidy.

You get it to cram junk in.

[CHUCKLES] Well, then top-notch work.

Are we keeping this ugly radio?

[TOM] That ugly radio is our
old answering machine...

Kinda like voicemail . .

Oh, great. I'll strip it for parts

and then put it in the recycling pile.

Hey, fresh pile. Yay!

No, hold up, hold up.

This little treasure

is for the keep pile.

There's a reason I held on
to this all these years.

[SUZY] Tom, remember how
number four's due date

was supposed to be next week?

Surprise! The cashier from Mega Mart

is driving me to the
hospital, so get down here.

Maybe ask our new neighbor, Bethany,

if she'll watch the kids.

She seems nice.

And two days later, we came
home with number four.

That's so cool.

And thanks for going with "Harley"

instead of "Number Four," by the way.

And thanks for not
calling me "Number Two."

[ALL CHUCKLE]

[GEORGIE] Oh, wait.
The light's blinking.

Looks like there's another
message on there.

[CHAZ] Tom Diaz, this is
Chaz the Mic Man from . .

You, my friend, are the lucky

winner of the Crimson Coupe

from the hit TV show, Crimson Justice.

Call us back by : tonight,
and this baby's all yours.

[SOUNDBOARD] - , - , ...

I can't believe it.
With all the excitement

of Harley's birth, I never heard that.

I didn't even know I won that contest.

What is a Crimson Justice?

Only the greatest show in
the history of television.

It was about Mike Justice,

a play-by-his-own-rules
detective who fought crime

with his partner... A talking car.

People even said that
I look like the lead.

[GEORGIE] I don't see it.

Well, now I know how I'm spending

my relaxing day.

Ahh, imagine that.

Me behind the wheel
of the Crimson Coupe.

[SIGHS] Would've been a
dream come true. Eh.

Wow, nice job being born
on the wrong day, Harley.

Way to wreck Dad's dreams.

I didn't...

A person can't choose...

Well, Mom wasn't doing me any favors.

What was she doing walking
around Mega Mart that pregnant?

I'm trying to storm out.
Just give me a minute.

_

I checked the coolers,
checked the breakers,

and bumped all bait
deliveries to tomorrow.

Dad's day of absolutely nothing

is a go, unless we
want to give the place

- a quick courtesy mop.
- It's his birthday.

He wasn't elected president.

[SIGHS] Now to figure out
dinner, thanks to Harley.

Why does she always have to overachieve?

I could not agree more.

This guy right here, C-minus in Biology.

You're welcome.

How about we raid the
lobster tanks in the back?

- We could boil him up a feast.
- Dad'll love that.

We'll cook his favorite side dishes,

unpack the fancy table settings,

even get some of those
cute, little lobster bibs.

I was just thinking about
heating up the water,

but sure, yeah, we can do all that, too.

[GEORGIE] Sweet!

The Robo-Roper's gonna help us clean.

Better. The Robo-Roper's
going to make it

look like we're cleaning while

we find Dad's ultimate gift...

The Crimson Coupe.

Hmm, I'm sensing a scheme unfolding.

Please let it be a good one.

Sure, cleaning the garage
is a suitable gift,

but tracking down the
Crimson Coupe so Dad could

drive it would give him
the best birthday ever.

[ROBO-ROPER WHIRRING]

[HARLEY] We'll just
close the garage door,

and it'll sound like we're
cleaning up a storm.

Question, dream-wrecker.

What if Dad did something unexpected

like get off the couch and
open the garage door?

That's where you come in.

Never let Dad out of your sight.

Make him your new Deathne.

Just don't cut his hair
and draw on his face.

[SIGHS] But how are we
going to find a car

Dad almost won years ago?

[HARLEY] Following the
only lead we have.

[CHAZ] Tom Diaz, this
is Chaz the Mic Man.

Your dad is gonna be

so excited about his lobster feast.

You can't wear a bib and dip

a BunBurger in melted butter.

I mean, you can, but
I've asked him not to.

I can't wait to tell Chloe how I grabbed

live lobsters with my bare hands.

If she asks, don't mention

they had rubber bands
around their claws.

Do you have this in a medium?

Sorry, we're closed.

Please? I just need a few things.

I promised my dad I'd take him fishing

- for his birthday today.
- [SUZY SIGHS]

Mom, how can we refuse a man

that's simply trying to
reconnect with his father

after a falling out over
a bad real estate deal?

What? He didn't say that.

No. I'm taking a character
workshop in screenwriting.

I'm reading his subtext

and filling in the backstory.

Am I right?

If it lets me stay, you bet.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Fine. Hurry up.

Hey, nothing bigger than you can carry.

I'm not strapping a canoe to the roof

when I still have to
cook dinner for eight.

I'm Mike Justice.

And justice is best served...

Crimson.

Is this a great show, or what?

Yes, it's so good.

It probably can't get any better.

We should watch something else

just to see how not-as-good

- other things are.
- This is the classic

where Mike Justice takes on

a ring of corrupt art dealers.

We better hit it, Coupe.

We gotta make it to the airport

before that Van Gogh

is "Van Gone."

[COUPE] Crime is wack, bro.

I really hate Harley.

What?

I said I really hate

that Harley can't enjoy this, too.

[TOM] Mike really nailed
those art thieves.

Nothing gets by him. He's got
eyes on the back of his head.

Stop them from taking that Monet

and selling it for money.

You two are very similar in that way.

[MIKE JUSTICE] Coupe, look out!

[GEORGIE] Well, there goes that lead.

I can't believe they
don't have the records

- of all the winners from back then.
- I know!

All the records they
play are from back then.

Hey, this is Chaz the Mic Man

spinning the classics while
you are stuck in traffic.

Hit me up if you got a request.

The Mic Man is still on air?

He gave away a legendary TV car.

He might remember who he gave it to.

Or if we're lucky, maybe
he kept it for himself.

Oh!

[PHONE LINE TRILLING]

You got the Mic Man!

Do you remember a talking car

you gave away years ago?

Is that a song? [CHUCKLES]

No, it's a question.

Well, this is the request line.

[HARLEY] Yes, and I'm requesting

information on the c...

[SOUNDBOARD] - , - , . !

. . What can I play for ya?

Anything Ed Sheeran.
Okay, so about that...

- [LINE CLICKS OFF]
- - , - , . !

You'd think a guy who gets zero callers

would appreciate anyone
trying to hit him up.

- You try.
- Well...

[CHAZ] Call in with your favorites!

I'm not very good at
speaking to authority.

- [LINE TRILLS]
- You got the Mic Man!

[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
Pardon me! Might I trouble you

for some info about an autowheelie?

Autowheelie?

Why are you talking in an accent?

Well, I want him to take me seriously.

This is my professional person voice.

Uh, I need a song.

Uh... Fish and Chips
by Strawberry Bruce.

Okay, we got a lot of weirdos out there.

And in here.

Enjoy this super hit.

The Mic Man will be right back.

He's coming!

What are you doing?

Can you tell us anything about

who won the Crimson Coupe years ago?

Oh, the Crimson Coupe.

Uh, let me see. I think it was

a guy by the name of...

Are you kidding me?!

How would I remember that?

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I only have three and a half minutes

to eat my meatball grinder.

Should've put on a longer song!

Which gives us three and a half minutes

- to ask where the Crimson Coupe is.
- Ask who?

Everybody.

"Blimey, guvnor!" You
shouldn't be doing this!

You'll get us nicked!

We're trying to find the Crimson Coupe.

And do you need to keep doing that?

Yes, I do. I'm practicing
for when I tell the police

I have no idea who you are.

Don't worry. This is nothing.

I do the morning announcements.

Hey, hey! This is Harley
Diaz comin' at ya!

I'm asking all my listeners

if anyone knows the current location

of TV's legendary car,
the Crimson Coupe.

[KLAXON HORN BLOWS]

There's no time for
"ahooogas"! He's coming!

Uh, this speedster on wheels

is from the show Crimson Justice,

and was given away by this very

radio station years ago.

Uh, call now with info,
and I'll give you

a % off coupon to Tom's Bait and Bite.

In the meantime, groove on this!

[IN ACCENT] Apologies
for the oopsie daisy!

Mind the gap!

You let more people in?

Their dingy sprung a leak.

And that's not backstory.
They actually said that.

Well, now we're not gonna have time

to stop and buy the lobster bibs.

We both know a bib's not enough for Dad.

We'll grab him a tarp
in the boat section.

You can't be such a softy.

Move these people along.

Pretend they're your brothers

and shoo 'em away with a paddle.

Oh, yes. I can see

the online review now.

"Great prices, cozy atmosphere.

Oldest boy will shove you out with oar."

[SIGHS] Guess I have to take care of it.

I'm sorry, but we're closed!

Yep, take this and this. Thank you.

Yep, we're closed.

Okay, thanks. Hi! [CHUCKLES]

We're closed!

Closed.

See the sign?

Do you know how much trouble

I could be in with my station manager?

Lucky for me, he got fired years ago,

and was replaced by a
computer in Rhode Island.

Robot boss, talking car.

Look how much we have in common.

- [SIGHS]
- Please don't throw us out.

Us? I have no blooming
idea who this one is.

[PHONE LINE TRILLING]

[CHUCKLING] Okay!

It's . where lunches are short

and my patience is shorter.

Let's see who's on the request line.

You got the Mic Man!

I'm calling about the Crimson Coupe.

[SIGHS]

If you let us talk to that woman,

we'll leave and never come back.

Now, that's the best request

- I've had all day.
- [HARLEY] Yes!

What do you got?

Can't fight that biker g*ng

without a healthy dose of vitamin A...

and ranch.

[COUPE] Nutrition's important, bro.

They always tried to subtly
work in an important message.

Yes, I'm subtly learning so much.

First thing... They say "bro" a lot.

Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid,

me and your uncle Chick
made a game out of it.

Every time someone said "bro"

we took a slug of milk.

Ooh. We should do that.

Drink chocolate milk

every time someone said "bro."

I just said "milk."

I know, but we need to
make this our game, Daddy.

[COUPE] Time to take out the trash, bro.

[DAPHNE] Ooh! Drink.

Bye-bye, bikers. [CHUCKLES]

Ooh!

Every time there's an expl*si*n,

we should eat a brownie.

They blow up a lot of
stuff on this show.

- Yeah.
- I'll go preheat the oven.

Yes, my son won the car

but he stopped driving it years ago.

He moved away and kind of lost interest.

Having the chance to
drive the Crimson Coupe

will change our dad's life.

Drive it? I thought you
were here to buy it.

It's for sale?

Shouldn't you check with your son?

Well, maybe he should've
checked in with me

after I broke my hip last winter.

Oh, it's just taking up space here.

How's bucks sound?

I have that much in my slush fund.

It's literally from selling slushies.

The Boi-Zendaya-Berry has
been a huge hit this season.

We'll be right back.

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

There's even more people than before.

Dad's homemade potatoes
just became instant.

Apparently, Rod's Reel and
Deal had a power outage.

We're the only fishing game in town.

And the instant potatoes
just became chips.

[SIGHS]

It's time to get tough
and bounce people.

Yeah.

Let's go, buddy.

Buy it and "bye-bye it."

And you, there's no fish biting in here.

Take it outside.

I mean, after you pay for it.

[CLANGING]

Attention!

If you're not out of the store

in the next five minutes,

I'm releasing the frogs.

[SHOPPERS CHATTERING]

[SUZY] Don't test me,
people! I'll do it.

[CLANGING]

[SUZY] Let's go, we're closed.

Bye, girls. Good job.

Sorry! That bank was a lot further

than I'd remembered.

- Three hundred dollars.
- [GEORGIE SIGHS] And...

a brochure on senior savings
plans where you could put it.

The woman on the front is
on a cruise with her dog.

Oh, that's very thoughtful.

The car is yours, girls.

Great! Where is it?

I think we just spent $
to clean another garage.

Any chance you could
really quickly invent

a garage-cleaning machine?

Sure, I'll just work on some sketches

while you move the boxes.

Question withdrawn.

♪ Go hard or go home ♪

♪ Go, go ♪

♪ What you wanna do? ♪

♪ Go hard or go home ♪

♪ Go home, go, go ♪

♪ What you wanna do? ♪

♪ Go hard or go home ♪

♪ Go home, go, go ♪

♪ What you wanna do? ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go ♪

♪ What you wanna do? ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go ♪

Does this thing actually talk?

If so, it better say thank you.

Hmm, all those mouthfuls

of dust bunnies and cobwebs
are gonna be worth it.

We're gonna make Dad's dream come true.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[BRAKES SCREECH]

[MOURNFUL MUSICAL FLOURISH]

Do you think Dad has a dream

to tow the Crimson Coupe?

- [CAR SIZZLES]
- [HARLEY COUGHS]

Be sure to tell your
friends we're closed.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

All right, instead of a festive bib,

yummy sides, and fancy china,

we've got a tarp, chips,
and chipped plates.

But the headliner's lobster.

No one cares about the
opening acts anyway.

[ETHAN] They're gone!

Someone must've stolen them.

Well, they sure didn't walk
out of here on their own.

Right. I mean, yeah,

the coolers are flipped over

and there's trails of water leading

- all over the store, but...
- [GASPS] They escaped!

There's animals with giant pinchers

loose all over the store!

Mom, Mom, relax. They can't hurt us.

They have rubber bands
around their claws.

Like those?

- Run! Aah!
- [SUZY SCREAMING]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

What a disaster.

Instead of taking on Dad's nightmare,

we created a new one.

We didn't clean the garage,

and now we're gonna ruin his day off

by making him come get us.

Hmm. He spent all day with Daphne.

Maybe he'll welcome the break.

[TIRES SQUEALING, expl*si*n]

Ooh! expl*si*n!

Brownie me.

[MIKE JUSTICE] I'm beginning to think

this ghost town isn't empty.

[COUPE] Spooky.

Mm, cheesy guitar riff.

What do we eat now? Jelly beans?

No, churro. Jelly beans are for

when Mike takes off his sunglasses.

[MIKE JUSTICE]... and let's do this.

- Oh, there they go.
- These shady cattle ranchers

have roped their last
prized steer, Coupe.

[COUPE] Giddy up, bro.

[MIKE JUSTICE] Hold on, Coupe.

Let me stretch first.

Ahh, stretching's important.

Oh, teaching a lesson.
Gotta have the broccoli.

Ugh, you had to throw
in one healthy food.

[PHONE RINGING]

[COUPE] Junk in my trunk.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Harley?

Don't tell her what we're
doing. She'll want in.

This is our game, bro.

Ooh! Drink!

Mm?

What?

First things first. Are you girls okay?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

Good.

It's the Crimson Coupe,

the Crimson Coupe!

How did you get the Crimson Coupe?

It was supposed to be
your birthday present.

I'm sorry.

For what?

For making you miss that message.

The Diazes are notoriously late.

Who did I think I was
being six days early?

You were just being born.

You didn't know family traditions.

Yeah, but because of me you
had to sacrifice the car.

And now you had to sacrifice

your day off to come and get us.

You know what that's called?

Being a parent.

I knew that when I signed
up for it, and I love it.

[SIGHS]

Nothing I do for you guys

as a dad is ever a sacrifice.

In fact, I got a great idea.

By the time we're done restoring this,

it'll be just like it was on the show.

Yeah, so it's not gonna talk.

That was TV magic.

It could with a little Harley magic.

You see? This car is gonna be way better

than if I'd won it years ago.

Make sure Coupey knows how
to say, "Crime is wack!"

I thought it was dumb, but
it's kinda grown on me.

- [ALL CHUCKLE]
- [DAPHNE] Here.

[LAUGHS]

I love being a dad.

[SUZY] Was that in the garage?

Man, we really did need
to clean that thing out.

The girls got it for me.

Uh, oh. Sorry.

All we got you was BunBurger...

like we do every year.

Yeah, and every year it's my favortie.

Favorite burger, favorite car,

favorite family.

I have never felt so re-appreciated.

Bring it in!

So, are we gonna tell him

we didn't clean out the garage?

If I get this thing talking fast enough,

- we'll have the car break it to him.
- Mm.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[SUZY] Should we eat?

Let's do it!

Best birthday ever!

Birthday dinner.

[ALL CHATTERING]