02x04 - Thawing Hearts

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

-Ta-da! -Oh.

What is that?

It's a vag*na.

Oh! A human vag*na. Oh, I see it now!

Everyone always draws dicks. That's sexist.

I'm tryna to flip the script, b*tches.

So beautiful. It reminds me of my mother.

Listen, Georgia O'Keeffe, if you hadn't made it so detailed, we'd still have some fuel left in that incredibly powerful g*n.

I will not compromise for my art.

Okay, everyone into the ice vag*na.

Let's go k*ll Mr. Freeze.

[theme music playing]

I've been dreaming about getting revenge on this freezer-b*rned dickhead ever since he froze me in a block of ice for months!

I'm thinkin' classic "stick an apple in his mouth and roast him like the pig he is."

-[cell phones chimes] -Whoa, oh-oh!

-Take a gander at your cellular telephone. -What?

Oh, my God! He finally did it and she finally said yes!

-Huzzah! -Third time's a charm.

Eh, he could do better.

Oh, I love weddings! Me and Ivy have so much fun at weddings.

We'll get so sh*t-faced, we puke, make fun of all the dumb couples, make the DJ play "Since U Been Gone" until a dad tries to fight us.

-[goon A] What do you think you're doing? -[goon B] Stop right there!

-[goon C] Get out of here! -Spread out.

-[grunts] -I got news for ya, this is Ivy's wedding and she's the dumb couple. You need to find a date.

No way! After the "I dos," it's basically free time. She'll wanna hang out.

For me, the question is not who I will bring, but who I will be! [chortles]

I've been working on a new character, Sandra.

-She's single, by choice, and down to clown! -[goon grunts]

I guess I'll bring Tabitha of the Hammerhead Clan, I mean, I am betrothed to her.

[g*ons screaming]

Post-Joker Harley wants to hook up with as many randos as she can.

Ya bring someone to a wedding, that means you're serious.

Not if you bring a hooker.

You are a vile, pocket-sized man.

I don't want anythin' serious with anybody again.

So, I'm going solo.

The only thing I'm serious about, is gettin' some strange from one or several members of that 12-piece jazz band.

Whoo!

Oh, my God! It's Beyoncé!

Oh, my God. It's Lady Gaga!

Harley Quinn, I have been expecting you and your insane clown...

Group.

Psycho.

Ah! No! It's too cold!

I've got brain freeze.

I did tell you to wear a jacket.

It is unfortunate that the cold displeases you so much, as the core temperatures of your bodies are about to decrease precipitously.

[whimpers in fear]

[Kite Man] Oh, what a d*ck!

Look what I just got from my nemesis.

[Poison Ivy] "Congrats on the engagement. Condiment King"?

What an assh*le, right?

Yes, a d*ck and an assh*le.

Wait, why though? Can you just remind me?

Pff! Uh, where do I begin?

No emojis to convey the tone, and a period instead of an exclamation point?

He's being sarcastic.

But what else should I expect from my nemesis?

Chuck, are you okay?

No! I'm freakin', Pam!

We have to get this wedding venue.

Honey, don't put so much pressure on yourself.

We're just touring one venue, right?

Ah, no. It's not just "one venue."

It's the venue!

And if we don't get it, the whole wedding will be rui--

Hey! Relax.

Okay? All we need is a dance floor, booze, and Kelly Clarkson's greatest hit. We could do it anywhere.

I have been dreaming of getting married at the old Gotham corn factory ever since I saw Melanie and Clint Howard's nuptials in Obscure Celebrity Weddings Yearly.

That photo spread was like a series of sick Renaissance paintings, but way sicker. That could be us!

So, yeah, I'm a little on edge.

Well, then what are we waiting for, hon?

-Let's go get that venue. -Hell yeah!

All we have to do is impress the venue manager with our super dope love, and it is in the bag.

Hey, uh, does this tie go with this kite?

Okay, no tie goes with a kite.

But you do look really handsome.

I will now unfreeze you.

Please, do not act as petulant babies, for I have no intention of k*lling you.

Holy sh*t!

What are you gonna do to us, you frigid... [stuttering] f*ck?

Cursing. Hmph. The crutch of the illiterate.

People call me a m*rder*r, but that is a misnomer.

You see, I created this lab for the sole purpose of finding a cure for my wife's incredibly rare blood disease.

It's terminal. Which is sad, right?

-And yet, there is hope. -[squeaking]

I have been performing a multitude of experiments on the common snow rat, which shares 98% of its DNA with that of a human.

The experiments have been a rousing success.

-Ah! -He's lost his sh*t!

This is a real shampoo factory.

[squeaking]

[gasps]

Your arrival has proved fortuitous, as it coincides with my decision to move on to human experimentation.

[all exclaim]

[squeaking]

You know, speakin' doctor to mister, maybe ya wanna get it right once with a snow rat before ya move onto humans?

No. I'm 98% sure that the 2% difference in DNA is the issue.

And now that I have you, Harley, I can put that theory to the test.

Maybe we pull straws to see who goes first?

He is a man shark, he is like an aged little boy, and, hmm... A dirt man?

Yeah. Thus, you, being not only a human, but also a human woman, are the

-ideal subject. -Hey!

[grunts]

[goon screams]

[grunts]

[Harley] Ah!

f*ck, again?

I do not know how much this will hurt, due to the fact that complete loss of bodily functions can mean any number of things.

But, were I to venture a guess, I'd say that it will... sting a little.

Wait! I know how we can save your wife!

You're only saying you'll save her life to save your own.

So what, you don't want me savin' your wife's life? Okay, I won't.

Hey, relax, relax. Let's not jump to conclusions.

This is a negotiation.

How do you propose to perform this miracle?

My friend's a doctor and the smartest person I know.

Wow! That's the nicest thing you've ever said about me.

Not you, idiot. Ivy.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Look, freeze, Ivy's a genius biochemist.

If she can't find a cure, there isn't one.

Why would Dr. Isley help me?

She wouldn't, but she'll help me.

Now, let me out of these restraints, I'll sh**t her a quick text and she'll come fix your wife up lickety-split.

This is an agreeable proposition.

There is only one thing we can do while we wait...

[dramatic music]

Lunch!

I will go make preparations.

Any food allergies or phobias I should be aware of?

No? Ha! Wonderful.

[Harley grunts]

Harley, look, I don't want to question your plan, but do you really think Ivy can find a cure?

I mean, Freeze will for sure k*ll us if she doesn't.

So we're just breezing past the whole, "he's preparing us lunch" thing?

No idea, but I'm not bringin' her here and puttin' her in danger.

I'm buyin' us time.

This weirdo is all gross and obsessed with his dumb, dying wife.

Some might call that "love"?

Whatever. If we take her hostage and thr*aten to k*ll her, we can get him to give us his freeze ray. And then, we can freeze his ass in a block of ice!

Wow. Great plan. This is one of your best.

I got one question though.

How the hell are we supposed to find his wife, when we're frozen to chairs?

Could someone pass the mac and cheese?

Oh, my God.

What? If I'm going to pull off the plan, I need sustenance.

The reason I wanted to do this lunch is, Nora hasn't hosted guests in quite some time. So I thought, this will be fun for her.

Her options are limited.

Jesus, that blue perv gets his jollies by freezin' women.

Everyone, let us begin consumption of the bounty I have prepared.

Okay, change of plans. As a former ice-block victim and now champion of ice-blocked women all over the world, I decided we're gonna save his wife first, then k*ll him.

[Kite Man] Four minutes early, perfect.

Eager, but not desperate.

That's late in my book, bro.

Mitchell, what the hell are you doing here?

Oh. Didn't you hear?

-You're not the only world-famous villain... -[Ivy scoffs]

...engaged in this town.

I'm sorry, "world-famous"? Come on.

Wedding venues are tough to come by in new New Gotham.

And there's only one unbooked weekend left.

So, it looks like you've got some competish from the Condiment King.

[laughs]

I'm not getting married in any place with the stink of condiments.

And I'm not getting married anywhere that reeks of kite!

Oh, yeah. Kites are odorless.

Unless, uh... They do get wet or if you store them improperly, I--

Chuck, we can do this wherever.

I will not yield!

Once the manager sees the biggest power couple in Gotham is in his presence, and how sick our love is, he'll kick your ranch-loving ass all the way back to the Hidden Valley.

Gonna be tough to impress him with that stain on your suit.

[stammering] What stain? There's no stain!

Ah!

That one.

[laughs]

All right, Condiment King, Becca, you got here first, so let me take you on the tour.

For the schmutz on your suit.

[classical music playing]

[Mr. Freeze] Mmm...

[slurps]

[chuckles]

Why's he doing that? What's wrong with your face?

Small man, as the consumption of cooked meats increases my body temperature and puts me at risk of death, please, a little favor. Describe the mouthfeel of your steak.

Um...

Butter-like?

Mmm, like butter. Yes.

All right, this is some weird Silence of the Lambs sh*t.

Ah! I see you found your appetite, my eager little snow rat.

So, how'd y'all meet?

Was she alive then?

It's a funny story. Nora, you tell it better than I do.

Oh, she's being shy. [chuckles]

I'll tell it.

Nora was the owner of a mom-and-pop cryogenics lab, and I was determined to squash it.

You see, as the CEO of a multinational corporation, I had a duty to my shareholders.

Expand or die.

Now, seemingly unrelated, I had really hit it off with an enchanting stranger online.

You'll never guess who it was.

-Your wife. -Meg Ryan?

-Nora. -Yeah. Like I said, she tells it better.

[chuckles] Huzzah!

A meet-cute for the ages.

All I hear is a story of a big swinging d*ck coming in and ruining a woman's livelihood.

Oh, you grinch.

Look, you'll have to excuse my friend here.

She's all sour on love right now.

Yeah, she's not even taking a date to her best friend's wedding.

Ooh, is there turmeric in this?

That is a swift kick, nice.

I suspect your cynicism comes from never having experienced true love.

Oh, yeah, this is definitely turmeric.

I'll tell you about true love, you f*ckin' bitch!

True love made me sacrifice my career as a psychologist, permanently change the way I look, and almost got me k*lled, like, so many times.

Love is bullshit!

[dramatic music playing]

-[oven dings] -Oh, spinach puffs.

I will never forgive Joker for the damage he's done to your heart.

Making you give up on love was perhaps his greatest crime of all.

I'm also willing to bet that your outburst nearly cost us spinach puffs.

Who cares about the puffs?

We're imprisoned by the person we came here to k*ll!

We need to get that g*n.

I'm just eating my feelings.

His story was so moving. [chuckling and chewing]

Problem solved.

Not entirely. The steak is under-seasoned, and there doesn't seem to be a grain of salt on the table.

God! Your stupidity is astounding.

Clayface, grab the g*n, de-ice us, then give me the g*n.

-Great plan, boss! -Unbelievable.

Do me first. I'm so cold, my nuts are the size of Dippin' Dots!

Is that unusual for you?

What? No!

I have regular-sized--

Whoopsies!

I think I speak for me and Harley, when I say, thank you.

Let me find this. Ah, there we are.

...testes!

Sure, they're store-bought, but you--

Listen up, you crazy assh*le.

I'm not buyin' your bullshit story!

I know your wife ain't sick.

She probably tried to leave you, and you couldn't handle it, so you f*ckin' froze her.

What are you doing?

Giving her the freedom you denied.

You're just like my ex, you creepy control freak.

Nora's not your property anymore!

Harley, you don't know what you're doing!

This is for ruining her small business.

Ahhh!

Now that you don't have your stupid g*n, I'm gonna k*ll you.

[Nora coughing]

See? I told ya she was fine, ya piece of sh*t!

My love, that I gaze upon your face can only mean one thing.

You've found a cure!

I'm not going to die of this incredibly rare blood disease anymore, and we can spend the rest of our lives together.

[gasps, sighs]

I'm sorry, what was that?

You've condemned her to death.

You better hope your friend Ivy can find a cure, or I'm going to blow this entire place up and k*ll us all.

Right. Let me check on her ETA.

Wait. You're telling me aioli is just mayo mixed with something else?

Little bit of an industry secret. [chuckles]

-It goes great on corn. -Get outta town!

No, don't get outta town, you got a wedding.

[gasps] Oh, hi!

I thought I smelled a kite.

[laughs]

Oh, jeez. Oh, jeez!

Look at those two, thick as thieves.

Dreams are stupid.

Never gonna get this place. We should just leave.

Hey! Hey! Up here.

Okay? f*ck that guy, he's a d*ck.

I know how important this is to you, okay, so I'm prepared.

We're gonna go in there, we're gonna blow that manager's g*dd*mn socks off.

-[Stew] And this is, of course... -[Kite Man] The staircase, made famous by Mr. And Mrs. Clint Howard.

It was the cover sh*t.

Ah, ooph! I've got goose bumps.

Do you think this place is just a wedding mill for Hollywood royalty?

Oh, no. Of course not.

I mean, the old Gotham corn factory is just so rich with history.

You know, I think that's what we really connect with.

Oh, really? What exactly do you know

-about this place? -[cell phone rings]

Ah! It's Harley, and she never calls... eleven times, unless it's an emergency.

[sighing] Ha! Uh, corn...

Um, the maize... Yeah, venue...

Ah, fiancée... The love... Um, well, uh, you know, Per-- I'm a husk guy.

-So, uh-- -Babe, I'm so sorry, Harley's gotten herself into some serious trouble, and I have to go save her.

I'm sorry. I love you. I love you! [blows kiss]

So you were about to enlighten me on your personal connection to corn?

Uh...

Um...

Uh...

Did I misread the situation? Yes.

But Ive, if you'd seen him feed her soup, you'da done the same.

They'll find a cure, my love.

But if they don't, we will die together.

Because I'm blowing the whole place up!

No, you are not!

Hey, would it speed things up if I got ya a microscope for the other eye?

Yeah, no. But BTdubs, thanks so much for getting me involved in this.

I actively tried not to put ya in the situation.

And then what happened?

-Well then, I... I f*cked up the situation. -There it is.

I didn't know what else to do!

Other than call the smartest, coolest, hottest person I know.

Well, that is true.

Look, Freeze is crazy!

He orchestrated the whole Injustice League hit on me.

How absurd.

I woke up in a block of ice.

That's your signature move! You tried to k*ll me!

Everyone else wanted to k*ll you, but I convinced them to freeze you.

As you can imagine, a group of white, cis-gendered, heterosexual, male, crime lords, they loved the idea of turning a woman into a helpless object of mockery.

-Oh. -Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.

You've falsely accused the most woke ice-themed villain in all of new New Gotham.

Okay, this is crazy, but I think I might have our answer.

Uh...

-[cell phone rings, buzzes] -Oh, thank God.

I... I gotta take this. Sup, babe-arino?

Ah, yeah... Oh. Your old greenhouse? Yeah...

Hey, remember when we were there and I had a couple too many margs, and next thing you know... Oh... Oh, it is urgent?

Anything for you.

My betrothed needs the K-man ASAP.

If you leave right now, this is definitely going to affect my decision.

Positively? Because you'll see how much I love my fiancée and will do anything for her, which is far more important than any corn connection we might have?

-Absolutely not. -Well...

The things we do for love, right?

[sighs]

I wouldn't know.

Just to double-check, what color petals am I looking for?

[Poison Ivy] Magenta.

[Kite Man] Right, right.

That... That's like a reddish pink?

No, no. It's a purplish pink.

Don't touch the reddish pink ones, they're paralytic, okay?

Cool. And, uh, ballpark, uh, how long does that take to kick in--

[stammers] You know what?

Doesn't matter, 'cause I definitely didn't touch the reddish pink one.

There in a few.

Oh, boy!

Ah! [groaning]

[grunts]

[groaning]

I touched the reddish pink one.

Uh, yeah, I see that.

Don't worry, it's... It's gonna wear off.

Okay, looks good.

Okay, so Nora needs a blood transfusion, but unfortunately, her blood type is as rare as her blood disease.

Ever my unique butterfly.

Once you inject this serum, it will change your blood type to Nora's.

And then, we can give your healthy blood to your wife.

[imitating Borat] "Your wife!"

But, the transfusion will k*ll you.

[all gasp]

My condolences.

Why the hell did you have to say the death part?

Now he's going to make one of us do it!

Well, I've never been more thankful for my shark blood.

And, as previously stated, I am a dirt thing, so it won't work on me.

This is bullshit.

No, it must be my sacrifice.

The only reason I've suffered through life in this godforsaken cryo-suit, is to find a cure for Nora.

If that time has come, then I greet my end with open arms.

Holy sh*t, that's insane.

It is not insane, for if you truly love someone, you will do anything for them.

My beautiful girl.

Goodbye, my love.

Have the life I could never give you.

I will never stop loving you.

No!

[crying]

[sobbing]

Oh, God!

I'm feeling feelings!

I've never seen truer love than that.

Damn. That's nothin' like what Joker and I had.

I guess that would be kinda nice.

Oh. Don't be too hard on yourself.

We've all been in toxic relationships that skewed our thoughts on love.

Leslie.

Chin up, Harls. I mean, if I can find true love, then there's hope for you too.

I'm so happy for you guys.

[Nora sobbing]

And my condolences to you.

He seemed like a really great guy.

Yeah, good guy.

-So, so sorry. -He was a real mensch.

Can we go now?

Oh, my God! Get out of here!

Babe, I'm just... I'm so sorry that I left the venue.

I know how much this meant to you, and I hope I didn't mess it all up.

While I totes appreesh the apology, I realized something today.

It doesn't matter where we get married, the only thing that matters, is that I get to marry you.

I don't even care about the ven--

[phone rings]

I knew my selfless gesture would be rewarded.

Ah! It's just like the end of a rom-com!

You're go for the K-man.

Hope you had a backup venue, you kited douche!

-[Condiment King laughing] -Mitchell?

No, put Stew on.

-No, he's right. -[laughs] Looks like you didn't...

"cut the mustard." [laughs]

Oh, Jesus, here we go.

You'll always be trying to "ketchup" to me.

-[laughs] -He can't be serious.

[laughs] "Mayo" have a good day.

He is.

"Tartar" for now.

Closer.

I think he's my nemesis now, too.

[theme music playing]