06x03 - May Divorce Be With You

[bunniefuu]

So you need a divorce attorney?

Tell me, who is the
soon-to-be lucky guy?

Okay, Cliff, for your Infowars,

his name is Ben, and he's Jewish.

So you're gonna have
to bring your A game.

Okay, well, why would you want me

to represent you?
I actively dislike you.

All my girlfriends think
that you made me hate women,

which is completely ridiculous.

My mom made me hate women.

Well, you know, I just saw
your ad in the subway,

and you just looked
so hot and competent.

Yeah, people keep saying that.

I was worried it was a little corny.

Oh, no, I love it.
You should wear that monocle.

Well, look, he's gonna
want to destroy you.

Trust me, I dated you
for a couple months,

- and I wanted to destroy you.
- That is unfair.

I've seen you through your
darkest family tragedies.

You b*rned down the church
at my grandmother's funeral.

Yeah, a fire which revealed
the chilling remains

of a m*rder*d nun.
You're welcome "Dateline."

No, this is gonna get ugly,
so don't talk to Ben directly.

You're only gonna fight.

Do everything through your attorneys.

Fight? What am I gonna fight over,

half his "Star Wars" collection?

The only good one of those
movies was "Spaceballs."

[theme music]

Now, before we finish this meeting,

I would like all of us
to send a lot of love

to a woman whose heart
battered and cracked

like an old baseball glove.

Okay, that's enough.

Yes, I am divorcing Ben, but it's fine.

We weren't even that married.

I barely had time to let myself go.

Is divorce necessary?

What if I find Ben a mistress
or prescribe you some opium?

No, stop. Hey, look at me.

You let me know when you're
your old self again, okay?

'Cause I want to hook up Ben
with some girls.

No, no, no, listen.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

The baker didn't want to make this,

'cause it's so depressing.

Guys, I'm fine. I have a great job,

I have a great kid,
I have great friends.

Yeah, but you don't have a husband,

and that's all you ever wanted.

I'm so sorry, Dr. L.

You know you can join our team anytime.

I don't have to be gay yet.

Okay, I'm going. I'm taking the cake,

and I'm not sharing it with any of you.

- Oh, that's...
- Oh, come on!

Tam, what's the deal?

You haven't spoken to me in weeks,

and I think it has something to do

with our steamy night of erotic play.

It was only steamy because your dogs

were breathing all over us.

I'm sorry, but it was a mistake.

No, no, a mistake
is when I cut my scrubs

into capri pants.
What we did is beautiful.

Look, no, I was full of hormones

from fertility injections,
and I was emotional.

- It can't happen again.
- Listen...

[door rattling]

Hey, did you guys lock the door?

It's Colette! Come on!

Hey, don't make me
Kool-Aid Man this bitch.

How are things in the romance
department, Jeremy?

So recently I bedded a docent

in the Georgian room at the Met.

Now, the bed was neoclassical,

but the sex, ooh, quite rococo.

Uh...

Sorry, I just came in here

to grab a new hand sanitizer.

Someone touched mine.

Well, that was more awkward
than when we ran into

Daddy's Hispanic family at dinner.

Nice folks, the Kimball-Rubios.

But I feel bad.

Anna came over to
the apartment a few weeks ago.

I think to try and get back together,

but, well, I was "entertaining."

Anna wants to get back
together, and you told her no?

So now you're just spitting
in the face of the universe?

You told me I should use
the breakup as an opportunity

to level-up to hotter women.

That was the gin talking.

Of course you should
get back together with Anna.

That's the bourbon talking.
Always trust the bourbon.

Anna wants to have
more experiences dating,

and I think she has a point.

Well, there's your mistake.
Women don't have points.

They have well-informed hysteria.

Now let's see what
Mr. Jose Cuervo has to say.

Dr. L! Dr. L!

Karen, knock much?

I thought I heard a bear in here.

Uh, does it look like
there's a bear in here?

Just a beautiful, feminine woman
eating an enormous cake.

Well, there's some weird guy
out there asking for you.

He's wearing cargo shorts
with a beer in each pocket.

Wassup?

Ahh! Peter!

This is so great. Hi!

- Hey. How you doing?
- What are you doing here?

Well, Lauren got a new job
as the head of neurosurgery

at Lenox Hill, so we're
living back in New York, baby!

Oh, my God, this is amazing.

Peter, I have missed you so much.

Can my whole family crash
with you for a little bit?

You see, we bought a condo
at Tr*mp Tower,

but we don't speak Russian,

so it's really hard to make friends.

Of course you can stay with me.

Lucky for you, my marriage
just fell apart.

I heard about that,
and I want to tell you,

that dude, Ben, I never trusted him.

I mean, who doesn't drink beer
when they're on antibiotics?

You know what, everyone is
making a big deal about it,

but my marriage was
just not meant to be.

I'm doing fine.

Mindy, no, you're not. I can see.

You let your moustache
grow in from the sides.

There's some of that cake that
hasn't been demolished yet.

Something's not right,
and I am gonna make it better.

Peter's back in New York!

Guys, it's great to see you,
but you disgust me.

No one is gonna throw Mindy
a party to cheer her up?

They made me the office party planner

because I'm gay, but I'm
the wrong kind of gay for that.

Well, I say we throw her
a karaoke party.

Oh, yes, oh, my God.

I call "O Holy Night of Bethlehem."

It's yours. We're gonna do it

at this great place I found in Koreatown

when I was chased out of
a massage parlor for my demands

and I ran into a karaoke bar.

- What?
- Who are you again?

You have the entitlement
of a guy who works here

but the demeanor of a guy who
gets injured in a viral video.

Thank you. And may I just say... shwing!

- Yeah.
- What is that?

I'm Peter Prentice.
I used to be a doctor here.

I didn't even work with Peter
and I love him.

I think he might be my favorite Jew,

'cause he doesn't rub your face in it.

He doesn't take half of September off

- for Rosh this or Yom that.
- Stop.

Wait, so you moved back here,

but you don't currently have a practice?

Mm-hmm, I was doing the whole

stay-at-home-day thing for a bit,

but you know what,
I want to buy my own weed

and my own sneakers, like a real man.

Hey, that's my sandwich.

No, it's not. This is Karen's.

- I'm Karen.
- Then this is your sandwich.

MINDY: Thanks for treating us
to such a fancy dinner,

Mom and Dad.

We had to pick a nice restaurant,

because we have so much to celebrate.

Oh, you must mean
my newly found independence,

and it's so nice that
you called it a celebration.

- It's very modern of you.
- No, dingus.

We're here so you can meet
my girlfriend, Parvati.

I'm sorry. You're his girlfriend?

I thought you were some random cousin

from the Pittsburgh light-skins.

Nah. Parvati and I met when we were sat

next to each other at a wedding table,

and I was hella charming,

'cause my edible hadn't kicked in.

And we've been serious
for, like, a year.

Well, Parvati, what do you do?

I'm a pediatric oncologist
at Columbia Presbyterian.

- Damn.
- She's changed my life, okay?

As a matter of fact... waiter.

I think it's time for dessert.

Parvati, this last year has been
the greatest year of my life,

and I just want you to know
that no matter what happens,

I will always... nah! No, Mindy!

- The ring is in there!
- [gasps]

Okay, I definitely swallowed it.

- No!
- Ahh!

But I could tell
that it was big and nice.

Yeah.

Rishi, I can't give you
the ring right now.

All right, tell Parvati
I'll give it to her tomorrow.

: A. M. on the dot.
I am very regular.

It's cool. I told her
how much the ring cost,

and that's all that really matters.

She posted a picture
of the receipt on Instagram.

I'm really happy for you, Rishi.

God, what a reversal of fortune, huh?

I know. It's almost like
we switched places.

You know, you're struggling;
I'm succeeding.

You're getting a divorce;
I'm getting married.

I even grew an inch last month;
you seem to be shrinking.

So, uh... I mean,
you're doing great too.

MINDY: Okay, bye.

[knocking]

- Hey!
- Hi!

How's it going? Hi, Henry.

Come on in. Good to see you.

- Make yourself at home.
- Hi. Thank you.

Wow, Lauren.

Uh, first of all, it's great to see you.

Second of all, so I guess
you got a perm, huh?

I know, it looks bad.

It looked much better in Texas
where there's no humidity.

- Eh.
- Look, I am so sorry

that my apartment is not as
palatial as your Texas mansion.

But I will say this.

The rats are starting
to eat the cockroaches,

so we barely have any cockroaches.

Well, don't even worry about us.

We will not in this apartment
that much at all.

Besides, we have your karaoke party.

Karaoke? Peter, just remember

not to say the N word this time.

It was in the lyrics.

You were singing "Sweet Caroline."

You know, I told you,
I don't need this karaoke party.

My parents tried to cheer me up.
It completely backfired.

Mindy, everybody already RSVP'd.

Jeremy, Jodi, Anna.

Who's this Anna you keep talking about?

There was never an Anna before.

Now all of a sudden everyone's all like,

"Anna, Anna, Anna."

Oh, Anna's so cool.

This is her.

Yeah, I actually
stole this from her house,

and I was gonna take her photo out,

but she's so pretty,
I thought I'd leave it in.

She's not that pretty.

I mean, her hair is straight,
if that's your thing.

Honestly, straight, curly,
it wouldn't matter

when it's framing
a perfect face like that.

She's pretty, like, if
you think Kate Upton's pretty.

- Yeah, I think everybody does.
- You know what, guys?

I think I will go to karaoke with you,

and maybe I'll debut a new song.

It will likely have the N word in it.

Mm-mm.

Colette: Do you know
what's wrong with Morgan?

He's been acting so sad.

I don't know. Why you asking me?

Do I look guilty? 'Cause I'm not.

Hey, there are my girls.

Yeah, I don't really know you like that.

My brother and I replaced you
when you left.

I know you, but I don't
think we ever spoke.

Okay. Where's Mindy?

Last time I saw her,
she was in the bathroom.

She put a colander in the toilet

and is trying to pass a diamond ring.

It is not going well.

Man, that's such a bummer.
I really wanted to work

on my karaoke set list
with her at lunch.

Don't be intimidated, but in my frat

I was in a singing group
called Cockapella.

Peter. Would you like
to have lunch with me?

I've been meaning to talk to you.

You want to have lunch with me?

- Yes.
- Okay.

I'll have lunch with you, but

I have no money, so you'll have to pay.

Anna. Anna Bo-banna.

[sing-song] Makin' copies.

No, I hate that. Please put that back.

Thank you.

Peter, I asked you in here
for professional reasons.

Professional? You need a pap smear?

You came to the right guy.

When I was Mindy's OBGYN,

she used to call me Pappa Smurf.

I'm very happy to say I don't
understand what that means.

Peter, I would like to offer you a job.

- My job.
- Why, are you leaving?

Jeremy has rebuffed my advances,

and it's just too difficult
to face him every day.

Jerem... I'm sorry.

Jeremy turned you down?

What, are you some kinda weirdo?

No, I'm within the range of normal.

I'd be happy to show you my brain scans.

So what do you say?

Will you take my spot at Shulman?

I don't know. Let me think about it.

Let me smoke about it.
And let me stroke about it.

Please leave.

Oh, Morgan, there is a ring in here.

I need you to go to Brooklyn
and give it to my brother.

Ooh, I would love to.

Afterwards, I would like you
to go to my apartment

and pick out a cute outfit
for karaoke tonight.

Oh yeah, I'll pull some new
looks for the fitting.

- Thank you.
- Hey, I gotta say something.

I'm loving the new attitude, Dr. L.

You know, Morgan,
I was thinking about it,

and I have a lot to be thankful for.

I got a great job, I got a great son,

and "Will & Grace" is back
and bitchier than ever.

- Life is good.
- Damn straight.

These are the best years of your life.

- Right?
- Oh, oh!

And Cliff, the divorce lawyer, called.

Ben wants half of all your money.

- Hello, Peter.
- Hey, there he is.

I am so excited for tonight.

I don't want to ruin things,
but we may be getting a visit

from Peter, Paul and Jeremy.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Well, how much time do you have?

Weak pelvis, soft ankles.

No, you have this girl,
Anna, who works in this office,

who is so cute.

She's a living, life-size Bratz doll,

and she's into you,
who is a grade-A Jeremy.

Listen, I admit I might have
been a bit of a tit in the past,

but things have changed. I'm cool now.

Look, you're a weird guy,
as you've just proved

by referring to yourself as a tit.

But that's what's great about you,

and if you can find a weird girl

whose weirdness matches
up with your weirdness,

pfft, I wouldn't let that go.

LAUREN: Hey, Mindy, I'm back.

Mindy?

Oh, God, she's dead.

I knew it would happen,
but it's still sad.

- Ah! Ah! Ah!
- Ohh.

- I'm not dead!
- What's wrong with you?

Help me up. God.

Why were you on the floor?

I was extremely sad.

Oh, are you thinking
about your ex-husband?

He was very, very attractive.

I had a dream about him.

- What?
- I did.

Okay, no, it was the right decision

to get divorced from Ben,
but it's getting really messy.

Lauren, do you know he wants
half of everything I own?

- No.
- What's he gonna do

with Omaha steaks every month?

You know, I was married before

to a guy who was horrible, and, man,

the years after my divorce
were the hardest of my life.

But they were also
very valuable, because they

gave me a chance to really
figure out what I needed.

Which was Peter?

Look, I'm as shocked as you, but, yeah.

- Hey, where is Peter anyway?
- Oh, Peter.

Last I heard, he was
having lunch with Anna.

You remember, blonde, skinny,

John Mayer wrote a song about her.

Oh, yeah, I know Anna.

Lauren, I gotta tell you, that
was some really good advice.

And now maybe you'd like
some advice from me?

Maybe about alternate hairstyles

or different ways to style your hair?

You know, I promised Peter
that I wouldn't use

his tracking device, but what
am I supposed to do here?

You have a tracking device
on Peter's phone?

No, his thigh. What?

They do it to zoo animals.

Okay, what is at West th Street?

Oh, that's Anna's apartment.

Oh, hell no. [groans]

Lauren, we just... okay.

[singing along] ♪ I'm coming up ♪

♪ So you better get this party started ♪

♪ Get this party started
on a Saturday... ♪

Hey, where's Tamra? I got her dumplings.

I'm not letting anyone
touch them. Oh, God, dude!

Morgan, Tamra's not coming.

She said she had to do her laundry.

No, that can't be true.
I do her laundry.

Hey, Morgan, we need to talk.

Uh, okay, all right.

I went to your closet, and
I hated everything that I saw,

so I called my tracksuit guy,
Slobomir, and... you hate it.

I love it. It's amazing.

"Charlie's Angels" much?

Ahhh! Oh, my God!

Ah, can someone take a picture?
Someone take our picture.

JODY: Well, if it isn't
the lady of the hour.

Sorry to hear that Ben
is putting the squeeze on you.

I can't imagine losing
half of my fortune,

but that's why I always carry

a wrapped pre-nup in my wallet.

I can't believe

how insensitive you're all being.

- Thank you, Colette.
- Dr. L, does not want to hear

all these happy songs
while she's miserable.

We should be singing about
her troubles and financial woes.

♪ As the snow flies ♪

♪ On a cold and grey Chicago mornin' ♪

♪ A poor little baby child is born ♪

♪ In the ghetto, in the ghetto ♪

Oh, sorry. Oh, we're stuck together.

Isn't it ironic?

We are the two biggest, most
single losers in the whole club.

Yet we look like a million bugs.

You mean a million bucks?

What? No, bugs.

How would you get a million bucks?

Okay, good point.

You know, Morgan, I was supposed to sing

"Lady Marmalade" with Peter,
but it looks like he bailed

after forcing me to attend this party.

Would you like to sing it with me?

I would be honored.

- JODY: We love you, Colette!
- ♪ Someday ♪

Yeah, you're done.

Get out. Give it up.

[cheers and applause]

All right, now Dr. I and I

are gonna sing a fun, positive song

because your husband
might have left you,

- but I never will.
- Thank you.

- [phone rings]
- Ooh. Hold up one second.

TAMRA: Hey, Morgan, I just walked by

a plus-sized female mannequin,

and it reminded me of you. Come over.

I have to leave you.
I have to leave you right now.

I'm sorry. Love is alive for me.

I love you, I love you.

- Wait, what about...
- Thank you.

Go ahead.

♪ We've only just begun ♪

[phone buzzes]

♪ To live ♪

ANNA: Can you come outside?

I need to talk, but I don't want
anyone to see me.

Oh, hey, Anna.

Oh, my God. Did you get a nose job?

How? Your nose was so tiny.

It must all just be nostrils now.

No, I was punched by Peter's wife.

She thought I had designs
on her husband,

and when I got physically
ill at the idea,

she got even angrier.

Anyway, Peter said he'd pay for karaoke,

so he sent me to give you this.

It's a hundred dollars
from your dresser.

Hey, wait a second.

Why were you and Peter hanging out?

[sighs]

I've been thinking about
leaving the practice

and getting Peter to replace me.

He came over to my apartment
to work out the details.

What? You were gonna leave the practice?

Things have been so awkward with Jeremy

ever since we broke up.

I hate not being my normal,
easygoing self.

So what? Suck it up.

You can't just leave the practice

'cause it's awkward
with some ex at work.

That's, like, the story of my life.

I like having another woman
working at the office.

Plus, you're, like, my friend.

Thank you.

That's really nice.

And I'm really sorry that
Ben went after your money.

I know how important
money can be to people

who didn't grow up with it.

Yeah, I mean you went through
a divorce last year.

How do I handle these negotiations?

Negotiations?

Why don't you just talk to Ben?

Tim and I hammered it out
in one afternoon

on our side-by-side ellipticals.

Oh, no, my lawyer says
I shouldn't talk to him at all.

You lawyer told you
to only talk to lawyers.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, seems like

a pretty good way
to bill more hours, isn't it?

You know what. I knew it, I knew it.

I hate lawyers. First they tell me

I can't come within feet
of Carmelo Anthony,

and now this.

Okay, I better go talk to Ben.

Good luck.

You know, Anna, maybe we're lucky.

We both got divorced from men

that we weren't really in love with.

Trust me, it's a lot harder to
break up with someone you love.

Bye.

[gasps]

Okay, okay, I just heard a request

for "Pearl Necklace" by ZZ Top.

Excuse me, Karen.
I have to perform a gesture.

- Get off the stage.
- Ow!

Jeremy, I know that
you have moved on from me,

but I have discovered that
I cannot move on from you.

I think about the day
that I turned you down,

and I'd do anything to have
another chance to answer you.

In other words...

♪ If I could turn back time ♪

♪ If I could find a way ♪

♪ I'd take back all the words
that have hurt you ♪

♪ And you'd stay ♪

Oh, my God, it's happening.

My life is finally becoming a musical.

I'm "A Star is Born-ing."

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ I did the things I did ♪

♪ I don't know why I said
the things I said ♪

Both: ♪ Pride's like a Kn*fe,
I can cut deep inside ♪

♪ Words are like weapons ♪

♪ They wound sometimes ♪

♪ ♪

[cheering]

♪ I didn't really mean to hurt you ♪

♪ I didn't want to see you go ♪

♪ I know I made you cry ♪

♪ But baby, if I could turn back time ♪

CHER: ♪ If I could find a way ♪

[all cheering]

CHER: ♪ I'd take back all
those words that hurt you ♪

Oh, hello. Are you the clown

to cheer up the patients in pediatrics?

Obviously not.

Although, yes, I do have
a scarf up my sleeve.

But that's just because of static cling.

I'm looking for Ben.

Ben's in with a patient.

You can sit in the waiting room
or just stand.

Those shoes look so comfortable.

Okay, that's enough.

- Lindsay.
- Hey, Mindy.

Hey, it's so great to see you.

I just want to say I am really sorry

that I'm not gonna be
your stepmom anymore.

And I hope that what your dad
and I are going through

doesn't hurt you too much,
because the truth is,

I love you, and I think you're the best.

Thanks.

I heard my dad talking to the lawyer,

and it seems like they were
asking for some money.

Is it a lot?

You know what? It doesn't matter.

Because if it means
you get to have a nice life

and go to college,
then it's money well spent.

Come here.

Oh, hey, and we can still
hang out, like, all the time.

No, that's okay.

I've been spending
a lot of time with my mom

and my dad's new girlfriend, Vanessa.

Exsqueeze me? There's a Vanessa already?

Meanwhile, I had dinner with
Morgan three times last week,

and I loved it.

Vanessa's so cool.
She runs Reality at MTV.

Okay, that's a cool job
if it's, like, .

Eh, anyway, I'm gonna let you
get back to your book.

Oh, hey, Linds, please don't
unfollow me on Twitter.

Yesterday @DollarsForFollowers
unfollowed me.

I'm down to single digits.

I won't unfollow you.

Sweet, sweet girl.

Bye, Linds.

Bye.

Dr. Lahiri, Ben's available bow.

Not available romantically though.

He's really serious with Vanessa.

Actually, I don't need
to see Ben anymore.

You can just tell him
I lost a lot of weight.

Hey, Cliff, it's your
favorite ex-girlfriend.

Well, that's not true.

Fine, your favorite
non-white ex-girlfriend.

That would be Agnes Choi
from high school.

Okay, you know what, who cares?

Just can you please tell me
how my divorce is going?

Well, you know, normally
I don't get to say this,

but I've actually got some good news.

Apparently, you went
and spoke to Lindsay,

who got her dad to back down.

Wow, I tell you, even I've
never been cynical enough

to go after the kid. I am impressed.

Okay, it wasn't cynical.

Lindsay and I shared
a really tender moment.

Just goes to show you,
Cliff, that sometimes in law,

the best way to get to people's heads

is through their hearts.

Yes, you have quite the legal mind.

- Thank you.
- Get your feet off my desk.

Well, either way,
I'm glad I was able to help.

I just wish Danny's divorce
was going as easily as yours.

Danny's getting divorced?

No, I mean, not your Danny.

No, it's a Danny... Italiano.

That was terrible.
Look, just don't tell anybody.

Oh, I won't tell a soul.

MAN: Go to bed.