02x14 - Chef Aid

[bunniefuu]

Stinky britches, you got stinky britches. Stinky, stinky britches-

What are you singing, Cartman? Alanis Morissette's new song.

You got stinky britches

- Hello, children, ready for lunch? You got stinky, stinky britches Eric, is there a problem? This stupid song's in my head!

- Alanis Morissette's " Stinky Britches"? Yeah! Stinky britches!

Did everyone say hi to Mr. Twig?

Hi, boys, how are you?

When is Mr. Hat coming back?

I told you never to say his name!

But we hate Mr. Twig. He sucks. Yeah!

Stinky britches, you got stinky-

Mr. Twig is far more stable than Mr. Hat could ever be...

...so he's a better puppet!

He'd be better as a coat rack.

How dare you! Come on, Mr. Twig.

Hello there, children! Hey, Chef.

- You got stinky britches- What did you say?

It's some new hit song.

Where did you hear that?

All over. The radio, MTV, everywhere.

I'll be sodomized on Christmas. What?

Children, I wrote that song 20 years ago!

You wrote it? Back when I was in the rock business.

And now, some big record company's published one of my songs.

Then you should get paid!

I don't want any money. I'd just like to see my name on the credits.

Let's go to the company! My dad's a lawyer, he talks about this a lot!

Well, all right! Maybe I will go! I'll play them my version of the song!

Stinky b*tches You got those stinky britches-

So you see, Mr. Big Record Producer...

...I wrote " Stinky Britches" several years ago!

I see no resemblance between that song...

...and " Stinky Britches" by our artist Alanis Morissette.

Huh? It's the same song!

I'm trying to be cool about this, but you can't rip people's music off!

It's against the law! I am above the law!

I'm afraid you leave me no alternative. We're going to sue you.

Sue me?! You stole one of my songs, and you're gonna sue me?

Yes. I suggest you get a real good lawyer. We'll have the best.

My dad will be Chef's lawyer! Yeah, and he's Jewish!

Stinky, stinky britches Stinky britches Mr. Twig? Is that you?

Mr. Twig...

Mr. Twig! No!

Who did this to you, Mr. Twig? Who?!

Just let me do all the talking.

We'll bring these bastards down! Right.

This court is in session. Who's representing the defense?

I am, Gerald Broflovski.

And for the prosecution?

I am, Your Honor...

...Johnnie Cochran.

Uh-oh. Why " uh-oh"?

That's Johnnie Cochran. He got O.J. off.

Uh-oh.

Please, I need some help! I think he's got third-degree burns!

Give the child to me!

Is he going to be all right, doctor?

Is he going to live?!

It's a stick.

Don't give me that medical jargon! Tell me, is he gonna be okay?

On this 15th day...

...of what is considered to be the most important trial of the day...

...Johnnie Cochran will defend Capitalist Records.

The question now is, will Cochran use his famous Chewbacca defense?

What's that?

I don't know. It's what he used in the O.J. trial.

I hate that Cochran guy!

If he was here in front of me, I'd be like, " You stupid son of a bitch!

You- I bet- How'd you like me to kick you in the nuts?!"

I'm sure that would scare him.

In summation, ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

...you've heard my client's song, recorded over 20 years ago.

You've heard the exact same song produced by these cheats...

...in the past month. I'd say it's an open-and-shut case.

Make the right decision. Thank you.

We've got them.

Mr. Cochran, your closing arguments?

Ladies and gentlemen of the supposed jury.

They want you to believe that he wrote " Stinky Britches" 10 years ago.

And they make a good case. I almost felt pity myself!

But, ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, one thing remains.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca.

Chewbacca is a wookie from the planet Kashyyk.

But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor.

Now think about that. That does not make sense!

Damn, he's using the Chewbacca defense!

Why would an 8-foot-tall Wookie...

...want to live on Endor with 2-foot-tall Ewoks?

That does not make sense!

More importantly, you have to ask yourself...

..."What does this have to do with this case?"

Nothing.

It has nothing to do with this case. It does not make sense!

I'm defending a major record company, and I'm talking about Chewbacca!

Does that make sense? I am not making any sense.

None of this makes sense. So remember...

...when you're in that jury room...

...deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation...

Does it make sense?

No. Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense!

If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit. The defense rests.

Okay, then.

Wow, he's good.

In a teary-eyed courtroom, Cochran has just finished his closing arguments.

And as was anticipated, he did use the Chewbacca defense.

Whether or not it worked is up to the jury.

How find the jury?

We find the defendant, Jerome " Chef" McElroy...

...guilty as charged.

Whoops. Whoops?

You're guilty of harassing a major record label.

The fee of $2 million will be handed over within 24 hours.

You think I have $2 million?

You have 24 hours to find it, or else you'll go to jail...

...for 8 million years!

It's actually four years.

Oh, sorry. You'll go to jail for four years.

This can't be happening!

Oh, no, dude. Chef's going to jail.

I want that chair too.

That's my favorite chair! You heard the judge!

Since you lost, I can seize anything to pay my legal fees!

Take that water cooler too!

Hello there, Chef.

Hey, children. What's going on?

That record company guy is taking everything.

If I don't find $2 million, I'm going to jail!

We came over to cheer you up!

Yeah! Ready, Cartman? Ready!

I will do the German dance for you It's fun and gay and tra-la-la I hope you will enjoy my dance Would you like some sauerkraut German boy, German boy?

- Yes, I'd like some sauerkraut- Okay, thank you. I feel better.

You do? Just please stop.

I knew it would work.

What's that? This?

My photo album of my times in the rock business.

Ever know anyone famous? Did I?

Janis Joplin, The Beatles, Elton John. I got to travel around the world...

...hanging out with bands, going to lavish parties...

...loving many, many women.

What's that? Nothing.

Take this too. That has no monetary value!

Why are you taking that? I can take anything!

The law says I have 24 hours to come up with your money.

I am above the law!

I told you not to mess with me! You know what I'm gonna do?

I'll raise the money...

...but not to pay you.

I'm going to use it to hire Johnnie Cochran myself, and sue you!

You wouldn't!

Watch me! Now get the fudge out of my house.

I brought more juice, Mr. Twig. Are you feeling any better?

I don't know who'd want to hurt you.

I promise nobody will ever hurt you again, ever.

Mr. Twig, are you okay? Mr. Twig?

Mr. Twig is broken in half!

Who did this?! You won't get away with this, you bastards!

Okay. Thank you, Mr. Cochran.

He'll take my case if I can pay his legal fee. $2 million.

Ask those famous people you knew. They're rich.

They wouldn't remember me. All I did was cook for them.

We'll help raise the money.

I appreciate that, but raising $2 million is not easy.

My only hope is to whore myself to every woman in town.

Wish me luck, children.

We've got to help him. Yeah, but how?

Maybe those rock stars will remember Chef. Let's pay them a visit!

This house is huge! It's bigger than Cartman's ass.

No, it isn't, you guys.

Can I help you?

We're raising money for our friend.

Would you like a Moon Crunchy or a Snacky Cake?

Are you Elton John? I'm his butler.

Then what are we talking to you for? Come on, guys.

Are you Elton John? Sir Elton John. I was knighted.

We're raising money for our Chef. We have Chocolate Nuggies-

I'm not a candy bar fan. What?

Please, our friend Chef-

You mean Chef, Chef?

Yeah. You remember him?

I haven't seen him in so long!

I remember when I first met him. It was about 25 years ago.

I was just a struggling musician.

You're my cheddar cheese girl You're soft but firm And you go well with wine Oh, oh, cheddar cheese girl Cheddar, cheddar cheese girl Boo!

Hey, Elton, don't feel so down. My Scottish haggis will cheer you up.

Thanks. I just don't understand what I'm missing.

Look, Elton, you are a great singer.

But a Ret*rded monkey could write better lyrics.

I thought I had it with " Cheddar Cheese Girl."

You need a guy to write lyrics for you.

I know a guy named Bernie Taupin who works at Moth Burger. I'll call him.

Great idea!

And, Elton, why don't you get some new threads?

You know, some slick glasses and sh-t.

So Bernie wrote my lyrics.

Without Chef, I would never have had a music career.

So will you buy our candy bars? Of course!

I'll buy three Crispy Yum Yums. Three Crispy Yum Yums...

Could you write a song for my girlfriend, Wendy, with these lyrics?

Sure, but I would retain exclusive worldwide rights...

...with 20 percent commission on sales and ownership of publishing.

Okay.

Tell Chef I said hi! Thanks, dude!

We'll have the money in no time!

Oy, thank you, Chef. No problem, Ms. Broflovski.

Now, about that hundred bucks? Of course, here you go.

Leaving so soon?

I got a long way to go to raise the money I need.

Best of luck to you then.

How was it, honey? Pretty much what I expected.

Are you Meat Loaf? Yeah, what do you want?

Mr. Loaf, we're selling candy for our dying friend-

He's not dying! Shut your mouth.

We have Nilla Crunchies, Berry bars-

What's it for? Chef.

Chef's in trouble? You know him?

Do I!

Nobody came again. There, there, Cous-Cous.

Maybe you should change your image. What do you mean?

Nobody wants to see a guy named Cous-Cous. You need a beefy name.

Beefy? Like, uh...

Tri-tip!

That's not bad. Here, have some meat loaf.

I owe everything to Chef.

Wow! So you'll help him? You bet.

Give me a box of Nilla Yum Yums. Cool!

Let's get this show on the road!

Hold on a second, Ms. Crabtree. Would you like to use some sex toys?

Sex toys? Like what? Like this very special device.

"Chef's pleasure bag." How does it work?

You put this paper bag on your head to increase your sexual pleasure.

Really? Well, hell, let's give it a shot!

Oh, yeah, that's much better.

I'll do anything for Chef!

Give me a box of Choco Nummers! Thanks, Rick James!

That's $35! Come on, let's get this money to Chef!

Oh, that was wonderful, Chef! Good show!

I can't keep doing this. It's k*lling me.

Come on, buck up, fella! I'm serious. I'm not gonna make it.

Sure you are, Chef! I'll give you 100 more for another romp!

Aw, hell.

Thanks for coming, Officer Barbrady.

What's this all about? These pictures just arrived.

I set up a camera and caught Mr. Twig's assailant red-handed!

Now go arrest him!

What? Can I go now?

Yes. Yes, I'm sorry.

Weirdo.

It can't be. These can't be right.

Mr. Hat!

Wait! What are you doing? It's over.

I couldn't raise the money, so now I have to go to jail.

No, you don't! Huh?

We raised money by selling candy bars to rock stars!

Did what? Wow! How much did you make?

You can see here that we raised approximately $95.

Falling well short of our $2 million goal, here.

But we can put it with what you made whoring. How much did you make?

I made about $410,300 but-

It doesn't matter. It belongs to me!

It's illegal to take Chef's money! I'm above the law!

All right, time to go. Bye, children. Thanks for your help.

Let's go.

What did you do that for?

I don't tell you how to do your job, don't tell me how to do mine.

Dude, Chef is gone. No more Chef.

No more Salisbury steak and pecan pie.

We can't let him down.

It's over. He's gone. He wouldn't give up on us.

How many times has he saved us? Four.

But what'll we do?

It's easy, dude. Chef Aid. Chef Aid?

We set up a stage and have Cartman do the German dance.

Then we sell tickets.

That's a great idea! Yeah!

Did you think I'd take you back?

That you can walk out and come back like nothing happened?

Don't look at me like that. Remember, you're the one that left!

I'm not taking you back!

You can just go to hell! You go to hell and you die!

You're a lying bowl of turd, Mr. Hat!

I hope you starve, you lousy son of a bitch!

What are you looking at? This is between me and Mr. Hat.

It's over, Mr. Garrison. This is it. We've had enough.

What do you mean?

It's the big house for you, fruitcake.

What? Jail?

I will do the German dance for you It's fun and gay and tra-la-la I hope you will enjoy my dance This isn't going well. He should put more into it.

Dance better!

Would you like some sauerkraut? Yes, I would like sauerkraut Howdy ho, boys!

Elton John! What are you doing here? I knew you'd need help.

Boy, do we! So I called a few friends.

And we all decided to come over!

Wow, cool! I see you've got a stage for us.

Dude, it's yours!

Then let's rock and roll! Or something similar.

Hooray!

And Mr. Twig has no idea Mr. Hat is even back.

I care a lot about Mr. Twig, but Mr. Hat and I have so much history.

Finally snapped, huh, Garrison? What?

Don't you get it, Garrison?

It's all you. You're Mr. Hat and Mr. Twig.

You've got split personality schizophrenic-jeebies.

I warn you, don't even think of taking advantage of me in this prison cell.

Thanks for coming to Chef Aid! Are you ready to rock and roll?

All right, let's get things going with Rancid!

California sun has sunk Behind Anaheim hills Here it comes tonight I was high on junk-

You still aren't entertaining ideas of raping me, are you, Chef?

No, Garrison! Shut the hell up! That's good.

What the-! Oh, boy! We're free!

Wow, what a daring rescue!

Mr. Hat!

Mr. Hat saved us, Chef!

Let's get in the truck! I'll drive from here, Mr. Hat.

How'd he reach the gas pedal?

Rick James, ladies and gentlemen! God bless you, Chef!

And now, here's your favorite band, Primus!

We're damn proud to be here to support our good buddy Chef.

In the early days, Chef told us to keep trying...

...and to keep pursuing our dreams even if we sucked. I love that man.

What are you doing?

Raising money so Chef can sue you!

Now get out before I kick you in the nuts!

We'll just see about this!

Now here's Joe Strummer.

When The Clash were on tour, and we lost the beat...

...Chef was in the wings going...

..."Don't forget, pump your loins, children."

That was, like, his motto or something.

Well it's a rockin' world Make no mistake about it It's a shockin' world Could be what's so great about it It's a rockin' world What the hell is this?

Welcome to Chef Aid, Chef!

How'd you get out of jail? Mr. Hat busted me out.

Children, did you do this? Well, we helped!

We're gonna raise your money! I don't believe it!

We'll just see how long this Chef Aid thing lasts.

And now, here he is, TV's Ozzy Osbourne!

We're all here to help our friend Chef, who has touched our lives.

I remember when I was starting out, Chef suggested I buy a pompadour hat.

I thought he said, "Bite the head off a bat," so I did.

And the rest? Oh, it's just history.

Now, let's go crazy!

Ain't nowhere to run

Ain't nowhere to hide

Oh, my God, Ozzy Osbourne bit Kenny's head off!

You bastard!

And now, here's Ween!

We're happy to be at Chef Aid. Chef told us to do a country album.

No, dude, that was Steve's idea. Then who's Chef?

I thought you knew him. Anyways, here's our song.

Many colors in the h*m* rainbow Don't be afraid To let your color shine Don't worry, Mr. Twig. Even though Mr. Hat rescued me...

...I'm gonna stick with you.

"Do you love him?" It doesn't matter. He left me!

"Do you love him?" Yes.

"Then run to him."

But I feel I'd be making the wrong decision.

"Love isn't a decision. It's a feeling.

If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler...

...but much less magical."

I'll never forget you, Mr. Twig. Thank you.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!

Thank you all for coming to help Chef!

This is a song written by a very special little boy.

I don't know his name, but who cares?

Anyway, he wrote it for his girlfriend.

Wake up, Wendy Smell the coffee Dude, that's your song for Wendy! You're a wuss!

I win, you lose. Chef Aid is over!

And you didn't raise near enough to pay Cochran's legal fees! I win!

And what happened then?

Well, in South Park they say...

...Johnnie Cochran's heart grew three sizes that day.

Wait!

Mr. Chef, this music has really touched me.

I'd like to take up your case. Free of charge!

You will? I will.

See you in court, Mr. Record Producer.

No!

Ladies and gentlemen...

...of the supposed jury, you must now decide on reversing...

...the decision for my client.

I know he seems guilty, but, ladies and gentlemen...

...this is Chewbacca. Now think about that for a minute.

That does not make sense.

Why talk about Chewbacca, when a man's life is on the line? I'll tell you.

I don't know. It doesn't make sense.

If Chewbacca does not make sense, you must acquit!

Look at the monkey. Look at the silly monkey.

Chef, how does it feel to be a free man...

...and finally have credit on the song " Stinky Britches"?

It feels great. I just can't find the words...

...to thank the artists who put on Chef Aid.

Most of all, I want to thank the children.

What'll you do now? Get back to what's important.

It's Tuesday, and that means