02x15 - Spookyfish

[bunniefuu]

The following program is brought to you in Spooky Vision.

Be warned: All scenes are accompanied by pictures of Barbra Streisand.

I wonder why Cartman wasn't in school today.

Probably to avoid that spelling test.

Hi, guys. How's it going?

Who're you supposed to be, Luke Perry? How come you weren't in school today?

Did you eat too many pork rinds last night?

You guys. You're so funny.

No matter how I'm feeling, I always count on you to lighten me up.

What?

I had to stay home because my mother wasn't feeling well.

She has the flu, and I wanted to take care of the house so she could stay in bed.

I just wanted to catch you guys to see if there was any homework tonight.

What are you talking about? Stop screwing around.

We're all meeting later to buy pumpkins.

Then we can enter the carving contest! I'll run home and get money from Mother.

Do you guys need some too?

Dude, this is creepy.

Stanley, look who's here. Aunt Flo! Hello, Stanley. Remember me?

Hi, Aunt Flo.

Stanley, Aunt Flo only visits once a month. Be nice.

Say, Stanley, I brought you and Shelly presents.

Wow! Really? Hey, I love Aunt Flo! Okay, Shelly. This one's for you.

It's a television-CD player Surround Sound home theater!

Wow! What do you say, Shelly?

Thank you, Aunt Flo!

Okay, Stanley. Your turn.

Your very own fish.

What do you say, Stanley? I don't know.

I think he likes you. Shelly, let's hook up your home theater.

Okay.

How do you like your fish? I don't like it. It's spooky.

Now, what's spooky about a cute little goldfish?

Go put him in your room.

Do I have to? Yes, you do.

Damn it! Language!

Where have you been? My mom's having her monthly visitor.

Aunt Flo?

Every time she shows up, my mom turns into a bitch.

Where's Cartman? He was bringing money to buy pumpkins.

Yes, I wonder why he's being so nice? Here he comes!

Did you bring us money from your mom?

Yeah, right. You guys can kiss my black ass!

You said you could get us money. You guys are hella stupid.

If I had money, I wouldn't give it to you assholes.

At least he's back to normal.

But we can't get a pumpkin to enter the carving contest.

It's okay. Kenny said he'd get one.

How will he get one? He's hella poor.

Why do you keep saying "hella," fat ass? Because I'm hella cool.

That's not cool! You are just hella jealous.

Good night, Stanley. We'll see you in the morning.

Can you leave the light on?

It has to be off, or Aunt Flo will complain about wasting electricity.

I wish she didn't have to visit now.

Me too, but she only visits your mom for five days or so.

I'll be out sleeping on the couch.

Where'd he go?

Kenny, you share that blanket with your brother!

Who the hell could that be?

Hi there, folks. This is a heck of a storm out.

Thought you could use some provisions.

There are candles and food.

It ain't much, but it's enough for the night.

Take care, folks. I've got other houses to get to.

Kenny, wasn't that your fat, r*cist, foul-mouth friend Eric Cartman?

Hey, where did the shirt go?

I covered you with a shirt. Where did it go?

I'm not going to look.

It's not closer. I'm just seeing things.

Mom! Mom!

Stanley, settle down!

Look! He's going to k*ll me, Mom!

Is there a problem? No problem, Aunt Flo.

Do you not like your goldfish? No!

I'm sorry. I'm a bad aunt. There, there, Aunt Flo.

Stanley loves his goldfish.

Stanley, what are you doing? The fish!

Stanley, I'm in no mood for this. Not when your Aunt Flo is in town.

Look. You woke your sister up.

Go to sleep, Stanley.

Mom! All right, Stanley. I have had enough...

Stanley! What have you done, baby? What have you done?

I was just sleeping, and the next thing I knew-

It's okay, honey. It's okay.

I've got such a good boy. Mommy's little angel.

Don't worry, Stanley.

Mommy's going to hide the body. Nobody's going to take my baby away!

I've got such a handsome boy, such a good boy.

You're not gonna get away with this!

Sharon! Aunt Flo, what are you doing up?

Look at you with your little shovel, just like when you were 12.

Mom, what are you doing? It's going to be okay, Stanley.

Mom, do you think I k*lled that guy? It was the fish! He says I'm next!

Get some sleep, baby. Mommy's taking care of everything.

But, Mom-

"Mama's gonna bury it in the backyard"

Mom!

What is it, honey? My baby's k*lled again?

No, Mom! What are we going to do, baby?

I've got such a handsome boy, such a good boy.

It's about time, Kenny. Did you bring the pumpkin?

Well, where is it?

What the hell is that? It's all I could afford.

Who ever heard of a squash-o'-lantern?

That's hella stupid. Stop saying "hella," Cartman.

How will we win the contest with a squash?

Stan, you don't look so good. I haven't been sleeping so well.

God, I hate you, Kenny.

I have to get another knife. This one's hella dull.

Will you shut up?

You know how some people are murderers?

Yeah?

You think animals can be too? I don't know.

Great. He has that stupid beard on again.

No, cut with the blade facing away from you.

You're going to hurt yourself. There you go. Isn't this fun...

...carving pumpkins for Halloween?

"You guys are my best friends through thick and thin

"We've always been together we're four of a kind having fun all day

"Pallin' around and laughin' away just best friends

"Best friends are we"

I love you guys.

You seem tired, Stan.

I haven't been sleeping well. Why?

My pet goldfish k*lled another random person last night.

That sucks, dude!

Hey, dudes. It's hella cold out here.

Cartman? Who'd you expect, Maury Povich?

You're hella lame! What are you doing?

What do you mean? I'm just standing here.

Mellow out, guys! You can't be standing there.

Why the hell not? Because you're standing over there!

Son of a bitch! Well, you don't see this every day.

I can't believe what I'm seeing. It's like I'm looking in a mirror.

Dude, this is hella weird.

Officer Barbrady. What a surprise. What can I do for you?

There's been a report of a few missing people.

Is that so?

Yeah. No biggie, but I was wondering if you'd seen any of them.

I've never seen any of those men, Officer Barbrady.

No, I didn't think so. Mind if I look around the backyard, though?

Why would you do that? I'm checking everyone's backyard.

Missing people usually turn up hiding in someone's bushes.

May I?

Well, this all looks- Tennis, anyone?

Nobody's going to take my baby away from me!

Nobody!

Mrs. Marsh, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you a few questions.

Hello there, children! Hey, Chef!

All ready for a Halloween lunch?

Today I've got spooky spaghetti with freaky French fries.

Chef? Or haunted hash browns.

Chef. And a creepy cookie and monstrous milk.

Chef? And a terrifying napkin!

Chef! What?

We have problems! What's the first problem?

I have a goldfish that keeps k*lling people.

Well, don't worry, Stan. I'm sure it'll work out.

Now, what's the other problem?

Oh, no! Oh, dear God, no!

I arrived at the bus stop, and this son of a bitch was there.

I'm sorry. I've caused so much trouble. It's strange to me too.

Exactly what do you remember?

I was just standing around...

...and Stan and Kyle were being mean as usual...

...and Kenny just bought a car.

Of course! That's it! What?

Don't you see, children?

This Cartman is from an evil, parallel universe...

...where everything exists as its opposite.

He's my evil twin? But he doesn't look like me!

He's all fat. He's hella lying!

Will you stop saying that word?

Of course! My goldfish is from the evil, opposite universe too!

Children, somewhere in South Park something has created a door...

...to the evil, parallel universe.

This is amazing! I can't believe how nice you are.

How do you mean?

In my world, you're a skinny, white, insurance salesman.

Hello, boys. I'm Stan's Aunt Flo.

What's wrong with your head? Why are you shaking?

Dude, she's got Parkinson's Disease. Hella sweet.

Check it out. You don't even put a quarter in her.

Cartman! Dude, this is hella cool.

Aunt Flo, where did you get this goldfish?

I got it from the pet store. Do you remember what pet store?

I believe it was called the Indian Burial Ground Pet Store...

...just outside of town.

Where? I have the address written somewhere.

Let me look.

We have to take the fish back to that pet store.

We? You got a turd in your pocket?

I'm going home. I'm hella hungry. I'll help you.

Shut your g*dd*mn mouth. Are you sure that fish is a m*rder*r?

It seemed normal to me. Just help me take it back.

Did you find the address, Aunt Flo? Aunt Flo!

Stanley, no! Not Aunt Flo! It was the fish!

Oh, what a good baby. What a good son I have.

We'll never know where it is. There can't be that many in South Park.

She isn't from here.

It could be anywhere between here and Denver.

We better get working.

Go home and call all pet stores in the phone book.

Can do! Screw you!

It's all taken care of, Stanley.

I've got such a good boy, such a handsome boy.

Come on, we're running out of time.

Hey, why is the basement door locked?

I don't see any pet stores called Indian Burial Ground.

Shut up. I'm trying to watch TV.

And now back to The Terrance and Phillip Halloween Special.

That fart was absolutely ghoulish, Terrance.

Man, that's hella funny! What's so funny about that?

No, kitty, this is my pot pie!

No, kitty! That's a bad kitty!

Who's my kitty? Who's my Mr. Kitty?

My fluffy ol' pal.

Yeah, that's a good... That's my Mr. Kitty.

Don't touch my kitty!

You suck, dude.

Stanley, Kenny's mother is here. She's wondering if you've seen Kenny.

You saw him, didn't you?

You saw my boy. Yeah, my goldfish-

Stan got a new goldfish and wanted to show it to Kenny...

...but he never came over.

My Kenny used to laugh and play.

He was 8 years old, just like you. I know.

You have to tell me. What happened? You have to know something.

Mrs. McCormick, please leave.

You've been drinking! That's right. I'm a little drunk.

You'd be drunk too, if you'd lost your boy.

My Kenny used to sing and dance.

You guys, I found the pet store. Come on, let's go.

Mom, I know you think I did all this, I'm gonna prove it was this... fish.

I believe you, sweetheart.

Run from him, boys. Run and don't stop.

Can I help you, boys? I want to return a fish.

Damn it! What?

That's the ninth return this week. What's wrong with it? Let me guess.

It k*lled a bunch of people? Yeah, dude.

Damn it. It's just like all the other returns.

Why is your store called the Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?

There was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.

So you just built your store on top of Indian burial ground?

Oh, hell, no!

First I dug up all the bodies...

...pissed on them, and then buried them again upside-down.

Why? Why?

I don't know. I was drunk.

When you did that, you opened up a doorway to an evil, parallel universe.

Well, that certainly would explain a lot.

Like what? Well, like this.

I've been wondering what the hell this was.

Hello, Mr. Marsh. Top of the evening to you.

Okay. 'Bye, then.

Sharon? Yes, hon?

There's a policeman being held prisoner in our basement.

I had to restrain him so he wouldn't find...

...the bodies in the backyard and take our baby away.

Why'd you take his pants off?

Sharon, why'd you take his pants off?

Oh, Randy, I just don't know what to do anymore.

What is it? I just...

I can't believe that Aunt Flo is gone, that she won't be visiting me ever again.

Well, don't think of it as an end. Think of it as a new beginning.

Could you fill me in on the dead bodies and c*ptive policemen stuff?

Look, this is very simple. All I want to do is return this fish.

I can't give you your money back.

I don't care. I just want this fish far away.

No, I won't take it back.

Listen. You can't sell people pets like this.

Pets are from an evil, parallel universe."

It's not our fault you disrespected the bodies of native peoples...

...but, by golly, you will take this fish back.

All right, you win. Wow! Thanks, Evil Cartman.

And, sir, can I make a suggestion?

Move your store...

...and let the great people of the Wampanoag rest in peace.

You kick ass, Evil Cartman.

Know what I like best about you?

You don't say "hella."

If he says it again, I'll k*ll him.

No, Kyle, m*rder is never an answer.

What the...

Cartman was just here. Who are you?

We're looking for Cartman. The trail ended here.

Where is he? I don't know who you mean.

Maybe this will jar your memory.

Stop! You don't know what you're doing. Those pets are evil!

I'm glad that's over. Now I can sleep at night.

We still have time to enter the pumpkin-carving contest.

Yeah, I almost forgot.

Come on. I bet together we can make the best pumpkin ever.

Evil Cartman, I like you better than our Cartman.

You're cool, and you don't say "hella."

Thank you, guys.

I like you more than my evil, parallel universe.

Good puppy.

Where will we find a pumpkin? Let's use Kenny's squash.

I never thought it was a bad squash. It just needs some tender loving care.

Oh, man, this movie is hella scary.

There you are, Cartman!

Nice costumes. You spend about $1.50 on those?

We're taking you back, goody two-shoes.

I got a better idea.

Why don't you two go... yourselves.

Hey, what's wrong with you, Cartman? What's wrong with me? Let's see.

I hate you guys.

You're hella stupid. Come on, Mr. Wholesome.

We're taking you back. Don't touch me!

What the hell's going on? Cartman never hits.

All right. Just stand there.

This gingification g*n will send you back.

You're from the evil, parallel universe?

Yes. It's about time you showed up.

You don't want me. You want the imposter.

Come on. I'll show you.

And the winner is...

...squash-o'-lantern, by Stan Marsh, Kyle Broslovski...

...and the Evil Eric Cartman from a parallel universe.

We won, dude. We won.

You win the Halloween chocolate ball. Oh, no!

Stan and Kyle have come to take me back to my world.

I don't want to go back. Don't worry, Evil Cartman. You're staying.

Now zap his hella ass back to your hella universe.

Stop saying "hella"

Thought you could get away from us?

Please! Leave him alone!

Shut your trap.

Why not take our Cartman back? He's more like you.

You back-stabbing sell out! It's time, Cartman.

Prepare for gingification.

Well, good-bye, you guys. It's been fun.

Oh, what now? It's the evil pets!

The gingification g*n! Get to the stage!

It really was Stan's fish that k*lled those people.

Give me that g*n, kid. Up yours, evil twin.

No!

Now you just got to send this bozo through...

...and the mess will be over.

Sorry, Cartman. We like Evil Cartman better.

What? We can't deal with you saying...

..."hella" anymore. You're going to the other universe.

Which one is the good Cartman? I am.

Stop wasting time, Cartman. We have to send one of you back.

Which one of you is the Cartman we can't stand?

He is.

Time is running out. You'll have to destroy us both.

What? It's the only way you can be sure.

We have to both go, for the good of the world.

No! Screw you guys!

How did you guys know?

Our Cartman would never say anything like that.

You're hella stupid. I knew you would fall for that!

Oh, no, dude! You tricked us, Cartman!

That's right, I did.

"You guys are hella stupid You guys are hella lame

"You guys are hella dumb Hella, hella, hella"

Damn it!

I'm sorry my wife held you c*ptive.

She's been upset because her Aunt Flo isn't gonna visit her anymore.

I understand.

I remember when my wife stopped getting her monthly visitor.

Do you want your pants back?

No. Just leave me with my dignity.

Okay, people. Move along. Nothing to see here.